Lyra's human obsession gets the best of her and she decides she wants to be a human. But how is she going to do that?
After living in Ponyville for several years, Lyra decides she wants to be a human. But it's not as easy as it sounds as she will learn in her many failures. Not to mention the many random events that keep happening, including weird hallucinations and crazy Pinkie Pie moments. All of this will be recorded in Lyra's journal as she writes down her "amazing and totally sane" quest for a way to become human.
Hello everyone! My name’s Lyra, and I am obsessed with humans. Of course, they are so fascinating. I mean, have you seen the way they walk? Neither have I, but I heard they walk on two legs. It seems like everyone else thinks I’m weird or something but I don’t let that bother me much. I am very grateful to have a friend like Bon Bon who will accept my interests in anthropology.
That’s enough of my backstory, the reason I am writing in this journal is because that I am trying something crazy. Wait for it…I am going to find a way to become a human! Yup, it is true. I am tired of living life as a pony. I want to be able to stand on two legs without feeling awkward; I want to have fingers; I want to be human. Unfortunately, Bon Bon doesn’t like my idea. But who needs her anyways? I think I have an idea, but it is going to be complicated. You see, earlier today I bumped into Twilight. Soon, we got into a conversation about humans and other things. Of course, Twilight wanted to give me a lot of books to borrow (geez, she is such a bookworm.) but one book in particular caught my attention. I thanked Twilight and ran home. When I got there, I immediately got sucked into the book. But soon I got bored and threw it in the pile of other borrowed books I had (most people want me to borrow books about dealing with mental breakdowns. I wonder why?).
I eventually started to just bang my head on a wall. I had no ideas about becoming human. I mean, really! Hasn’t anyone ever thought of trying to become a human besides me? I remember later at night, I was looking through one of Twilight’s history books when I found a portion of it talking about a mirror that is the gate to an alternate dimension. Could this be the portal to the human world? If it is, how will I be able to get to it? I read it was locked away up at the Crystal Empire. There has to be one way to get to it, there has to be. Days later I started to plan how I was going to do it. This is a list of ideas I put together:
1. Ask Pinkie Pie to help me. 2. Learn an Invisibility Spell (Rejected because I’m not good at magic). 3. Create a way of communicating to other ponies and find out secrets on how to get in. (I’ll call it the internet!) 4. CRUSH, KILL, DESTROY, SWAG! 5. Forget the idea above. 6. Ask Princess Cadence permission to sneak around the castle.
I know, none of these ideas will work. But you have to give me an A for effort, right? Anyways, I ditched the idea after realizing that the castle is heavily guarded (why didn’t I think of that earlier?). Oh well, maybe lightning or something will strike me and mutate my body into a human or something. Geez, maybe I should read those mental breakdown books. Well, after writing some ideas down, I heard a knock on my door. Guess who it was; It was Bon Bon. Yup, she had come to visit me. When I asked why, she said that I had been stuck inside my house for three days. Three days; that must be an academy record! So I went outside and got a breath of fresh air. For a while, Bon Bon and I were sitting at our favorite bench, talking about Ponyville gossip. After a while, she asked why I found humans so interesting. Well, well, well, it looks like she does think I’m weird. I simply told her that she was being a hater and stormed off. As I trotted away, I heard her yelling back something to me. As if I care! I simply went to a restaurant, paid for a drink, and went home. Some ponies may think I’m barricading myself in my house, but if only they knew the things I am doing in there…Heh, nevermind, no one would ever think of walking into my house. Everyone already thinks I’m a freak who is obsessed with “mythological” creatures. I’ll show them, someday I will. When I entered my house, I trotted to my table and grabbed my notebook and started to write down ideas.
Eventually, my drink became empty. Sluggishly, I grabbed it and went to the trash can. As I threw my drink away, I heard breathing behind me that made me realize that I wasn’t alone. I quickly turned around to see Pinkie Pie standing three feet away from me. (Remember what I said about any sane pony not going in my house. To clarify this, Pinkie is not sane.) She opened her mouth and started to sing about life on a rock farm and how everything always ends in a disaster. After singing the lyrics of her song, she hopped out of my house and started screaming something about a “Hub logo”. What was that supposed to be? Oh well, everyone in this town is crazy. I shrugged it off and simply went down to my table and started to write ideas in my notebook.
I’ve officially come up with a new idea. What if I ask Twilight to turn me to a human! Of course, how could I be so ignorant! I went up to Twilight’s doorstep faster than you can say “banana” (Please don’t). After knocking on the door like a maniac, she opened the door and glared at me. You know what she said? She said “I never knew a pony could be so desperate as to nearly break down the door”. Ha! If only she could understand the situation I was in. I asked her if she could turn me human, and her response was an unamused look in her eyes followed by the door slammed in my face. You know, I’ve noticed all the ponies here are starting to act like real jerks now. Oh well, I will have to come up with a better solution.
Ugh, last night I had the craziest dream. In it, I was living with a bunch of lazy and rude ponies. At one point, a fat hairy guy burst down the door of our house and said I was a human. Heck, my reaction was “I’m a wat?” (I know, it sounds like I’m an uneducated filly. But hey, it’s a dream.) Anyways, I ended up going to a school for humans and made some friends. Eventually, I had to face an evil human known as “Trollemort”. In the end, he died and all the trolls that were following him fled for their lives. It was a very interesting dream.
But anyways, I’m not here to write about silly dreams! This is my biography. Obviously, someone will want to read my story on how I eventually became human. Poor Bon Bon will always regret the day she wanted to hate my fandom. Mwahahahaha.
So today, I kind of…tricked Twilight into stealing a book from the royal library. But don’t blame me on that. It was important because it was a book about the humans. I never knew such a book existed! It was very important for my human studies (And of course, this was very crucial for my main mission: Becoming a human). Did you know that the humans have a fandom about us? I know, it is hard to believe. I mean, it must be for mature audiences because the major curse words like “jerk” (Oh hayseeds. I told myself I would never use that strong of a word). Heck, if I learned that they had a word worse than the J word, I would have a heart attack and die! Overall, the book was very interesting. Another interesting piece of news was that I got a letter from the princess. When I got it, I was jumping for joy and acting like an animal. Oh what wonders surly were in here. Did she hear about my interest in anthropology? I opened the letter franticly and read it.
Dear Lyra Harpstrings,
My faithful student, Twilight, told me that you were having mental problems. So here’s a banana. They always cure everything.
, Princess Celestia
A banana?!?! Is this some type of joke? Eh, forget her. I immediately started to work on ideas for becoming a human. I’ve finally come up with an idea that I think will work! Maybe if I can fuse human DNA into my body; a reaction will occur. Hopefully it will turn me human. But wait…where am I supposed to get human DNA? I mean, there are no humans around right now, what will I do?
Later, I took a break and walked outside for a while. Big mistake. Pinkie came hopping up to me, asking if peanuts were made of magic or fairies… I seriously wonder what is going on in her head. I mean, one minute she is walking along idly. The next moment, bang! She is talking about peanuts or “hub logos”. Soon, she lost interest in me and started chasing a bunch of children (the poor children). After a while, I saw Bon Bon in the distance. I was about to turn around and go the opposite direction. But then she saw me. She kept talking about how she wasn’t hating or anything. Ha! That’s obviously a lie. Everyone in this town is a lie! And they all call me crazy! What is wrong with having a human fandom? The humans have a fandom with ponies. What is the difference? But finally, I decided to play around with her and told her that I accepted her apology. Immediately, we got into a conversation about me becoming a human. By the end of the conversation, she was telling me how I was acting “a little more insane and aggressive than usual today.” Well, there she goes to hating again.
Geez, I just realized that today, I haven’t been coming up with any human transformation ideas yet. Sure, there was that one idea, but it was a terrible idea. I don’t know…I’m tired. But I’m not giving myself a proper amount of rest until I’m human. After that, I can rest all I want. Right.
Well, I’m already starting to run out of paper. Maybe I should have used another notebook for my ideas. Eh, that doesn’t matter because I am close to finally living my dream. Soon, I will finally be human! And when that happens…I will laugh in all the faces of the ponies who doubted me. Yes, I feel myself coming closer to the “solution of my problem” as I call it.
So anyways. Today, I was strolling through Ponyville when all of a sudden, Pinkie Pie tackled me. So, what was her excuse for nearly breaking every bone in my body? It was “Sorry, I tripped while I was running”. Ha! I’ll make sure to hunt her down later.
After her excuse of an apology, she asked me if I could help her make a new batch of cupcakes. After thinking about it, I said “yes”. Hopefully, helping her make cupcakes will have her leave me alone. While we were trotting to Sugar Cube Corner, she kept saying weird things like “I wonder what flavor you will turn out as?” or “Based on your size, you will make a lot of cupcakes!” Geez Pinkie? What are we going to do again? It was starting to sound less and less like baking cupcakes every time she opened her mouth to speak!
Finally, when we were in the kitchen, she went to grab a cupcake for me to sample. Before I could take a bite out of it, she stopped me. Ok, here’s the weirdest part: she looked in a random direction. Then she said “There are too many humans watching this. I’m afraid making cupcakes will have to wait”. So basically, she dragged me all the way to Sugar Cube Corner for no reason. She wouldn’t even let me take a bite out of the cupcake she wanted me to sample. So as I stomped away, I promised myself that when I became a human, I would rid Equestria of Pinkie Pie.
Later, Bon Bon caught up with me. She asked where I was going. Of course, my reply was “I’m going home to work on my plans”. Immediately, she stopped me. And you know what she said next? That ungrateful hater said “You’ve been barricading yourself in your house and talking to yourself! This is madness!” Madness…madness?! This is Sparta! (I heard that Sparta was an old human city that was obsessed with war and destruction. So of course it is my favorite.) After she said this, I told her that maybe SHE was insane. Of course, she has to be insane. Every single pony in this town…in Equestria, is insane! I’m the only sane pony anymore!
When I got home, guess who was waiting for me? Pinkie Pie. She kept begging me to help her make cupcakes or else Mr and Mrs. Cake would go out of business. Seeing her begging for my help, I admit, was refreshing.
After a while, I noticed she kept murmuring about “humans” always watching her. This caught my interest. What if she wasn’t insane? What if she really was seeing humans? I asked Pinkie when she saw the humans. With a quiver in her voice, she said “all the time”. This is my chance. If Pinkie really is connected to the human world through this strange ability…I could unlock the gate between the human world and our world!
I remember tying her up and grabbing some tools. I’ve got to dissect that brain of hers. I know it isn’t right, but my lust for being a human is greater than what is right and wrong. Unfortunately, I couldn’t focus on even cutting her head open because she kept talking and singing. Finally, I decided that I wouldn’t be able to even survive having to listen to her sing the entire time. I let her go, and before she left, she said that maybe she would try a new flavor for her next batch of cupcakes...what was I thinking? She is insane. She probably sees flying cows too.
Later, I ordered a dozen freshly baked cupcakes. When I went to pick them up, I asked what flavor they were. Pinkie said they were “chicken flavor”. Chicken flavor…sounds delicious. While I walked home, I noticed two fillies that kept yelling out “Scootaloo”. They must be playing hide and seek or something. Jokingly, I told them that maybe they ate their friend. Ha! Their reaction was priceless! They ran and screamed at the top of their lungs as I laughed to myself. Children are so gullible nowadays.
Finally, after a while, I saw my house in the distance. I eagerly trotted to the doorstep only to get blocked by Bon Bon. She had several stacks of blank paper and two pencils with her as she warmly grinned at me. She said that she was going to have she and I do a “recreational activity”. So what was the recreational activity? Fan fiction. Yup, she really thinks that we can both sit down and enjoy each other’s presence as we write down words. Geez, how do writers keep their sanity? I mean, what is so interesting about sitting for hours, writing words?
When we finished our stories, we read them to each other. Hers was about a little filly who lives in the country and runs through a patch of flowers every day. Overall, it was boring. Finally, I read my story to her. Basically it was a disaster story that I thought was a comedy. I believe I have a copy of it lying around. Here it is:
Once upon a time, there was a little filly who enjoyed running in the woods. One day, she decided to make friends with the woodland creatures. And she lived happily ever after.
In the belly of a pack of wolves.
I know, it is a masterpiece isn’t it? Of course, Bon Bon, being the hater she is, said it wasn’t a fan fic, it was a crap fic. If fact, she said it wasn’t even a fan fic because, it wasn’t based off another story! Well Ms. Hater, yours wasn’t either! Oh well, life is stupid.
Well, the last few days have been interesting. First of all, Christmas is almost here. So that means that both mares and stallions are staying indoors to avoid getting crushed by the stampedes of fillies and colts that pass through town screaming “Santa” and abducting people that look like the Santa pony. While everyone has been indoors, I’ve been testing and working on a serum that will, hopefully, allow me to become human.
Earlier yesterday, I was working on the serum when I heard noise in the chimney of my house. I freaked out a bit because, I was worried that a group young ponies were coming down it to look for Santa. But it turned out to just be Derpy. She was wearing a Santa hat (apparently, those have come into fashion) and had a hammer in her mouth. So what was she doing in my chimney? She said she was repairing it because she thought it looked like it was falling apart. I was about to go back to working on my serum, when she came over to investigate. She asked what I was working on, and I replied it was a serum that would allow me to become human. In response, she asked if there was anything she could do to help. I was about to say no, when she said she thought she saw a human in the Everfree forest. That easily caught my attention, I started to probe her with tons of questions. Eventually, she had to go, and I watched her go right back up my chimney (Unfortunately, I also heard a couple of fillies start yelling “Santa”, followed by the sound of small Pegasi wings flapping…Then I heard Derpy scream. May she rest in peace).
In a few minutes, I had packed my bags. Going into the Everfree forest is dangerous, but it would be worth it to see a real, live, human. I knew what my plan was:
1. Meet the human 2. Talk with it and act friendly 3. Knock it out and put it in a bag 4. Take it home and take some DNA samples 5. Dissect it (possibly my favorite step)
After several miles, I was at the edge of the Everfree forest. Adrenaline pumped through my body, I was finally out on an adventure! Taking time to breath in the fresh, cold, December air. I took my first step into the Everfree forest. Some may call it suicide to come into here looking for “imaginary creatures”, but I knew that humans weren’t imaginary. I knew it.
After walking several miles, I heard a grunt to my left. I looked in the direction of where the noise was coming from, and saw a pony I easily recognized as Daring Do. She was holding open the mouth of an alligator that was desperately trying to bite a chunk out of her hide. She asked for some help as the jaws of the gator came closer to her weak body. I was about to run over to the gator and kick it in the jaw, but then I remembered that I can’t have anything distracting me. So I walked on without looking back. A few minutes later, I heard a snapping noise, followed by squeals of pain. I guess that alligator won that fight with Daring Do. Oh well, no one ever read here books anyway…right?
After a while, I stopped to sit down and recover from walking so far. Who knew that going on adventures could be so hard? When I finally got up, I heard something coming in my direction. I prepared to run if it was a monster.
And then it walked out in front of me. A human.
It was the strangest looking human I had ever seen. I asked it what its name was. It said in a strange accent, that it was Michal Jackson. After recovering from the shock of seeing its face, I started the work on step two: communicating to it and acting friendly. I soon learned that the last thing that it remembers is seeing a bright light. Hmm, bright lights are experienced when someone is dying. Maybe Equestria is where humans go when they die (if that is true, then maybe the conspiracy theories about human slave mining industries are true). As he kept talking to me, I went to reach for my tranquilizers. But suddenly, a giant monster that looks a lot like Santa ran up and swallowed the human. It then, started to ramble on about “staying plump and jolly for the children”. It then grew wings and flew away.
I know that this story is hard to believe, but it did happen! I saw it with my two eyes! I tried to explain this to Bon bon, but she simply asked if I was on drugs or just being crazy. I’m not crazy! Why does everyone want to call me crazy? If they think I’m crazy, than what is Pinkie Pie?! Ugh, I can’t stand all these rude ponies. But soon, I should be able to leave these ponies and become human. That will be a dream come true! Oh well, I’m running out of paper, and so I should probably get the serum perfected. Great, I’m starting to rant on again. Oh well.
See ya,
Lyra
And so, the moral of this Christmas story is: Watch what you put in your eggnog!
Remember when I said in my last entry that I was working on a serum that would turn me human? Well, I’m finally done with it; but before I can use it on myself, I’m going to test it on ten baby mice I kidnapped from Fluttershy’s cottage. I am so excited to be this close to becoming human that I feel like I could burst! Wish me luck!
But that is not the only thing that has been going on lately. You see, a few days ago, I was awoken by knocking on my door. When I opened it, I found a young changeling at my doorstep. At first, I was wondering what it wanted. But then I realized if the serum works on the baby mice, then I could try it on the changeling. So, of course, I grabbed it and brought it into my house.
I eventually learned it was an orphan and it wanted a home. So that means that it won’t be escaping. But after a few nights, I was starting to wish it would run away. First of all, it would keep wanting to prank me by turning into several creepypasta characters that included: Jeff the pony, Slendermane, Smile Pony, Eyeless Jack, and the Rake. By the time I had locked myself in my room, I was seeing things that weren’t there. Secondly, the changeling had no manners. It kept wanting to put everything in cocoons. Every time I tried to fix the damage, it would snarl at me and do an annoying little laugh. And thirdly, it wanted to touch everything I had. Apparently, it had never seen such thing as toothbrushes or tables from where it came from. At one point, it almost caused a fire when it was messing around with a lit candle.
Yesterday, I decide I needed some time away from my house. So I locked the changeling in my basements (with several old horror books for it to read if it got bored) and went outside for a walk. While I was walking, guess who just happened to show up? It was Pinkie Pie. What did she want with me? Simple, she wanted me to try a new cupcake flavor she had made. It tasted like cotton candy; when I asked how she made it, she said she simply added her own hair to a normal cupcake (yes, I spat it out of my mouth after hearing that). After a while, the weirdest thing happened to her. Her eyes turned into little dots, her skin turned brown, and a weird grin grew on her face. Following this, she started to chase a couple of screaming fillies…I know that sounds weirder than the “Santa monster” I mentioned in my last entry, but it happened.
When I finally got back to my house. I injected the serum into the mice I stole from Fluttershy. Nine of them died, but the tenth one actually showed some change in DNA. If fact, it already seemed to be changing! After seeing the results of the experiment, I went to get the changeling. When I went to the basement door, I noticed a gaping hole in the middle of the door. I guess it escaped, oh well…I think it is time to test the serum on myself.
I know the experiment with the mice showed that the chances of it working were slim, but there is still a chance! I know there is! Though, drinking this serum will change everything. Think about it, if it works, I will have to go into hiding because Celestia would probably put a bounty on my head. Really, who would want a human to be walking around Equestria? If I am caught, then I probably won’t be seen again. But if it doesn’t work, then I will have basically poisoned myself. Either way, I must try the serum, it is the only chance of me becoming human.
So, will I live and have to hide away for my entire life as a human, or will I die and be nothing but a memory in time? There is only one way to find out. Wish me luck!
