A punny pegasus and his companion adventure through Equestria.
Punfusion Iron-Knee, an odd pegasus from the deep south, has made his way to Equestria. With his companion, Map, he will meet new friends, new rivals, and finally interact with beings other than punguins. Not to mention he will probably confuse ponies on the way.
“Well this is a pheasant sight related to what we have seen don’t ‘cha think?” a night blue pegasus colt with a long mane, the coloring of blue similar to his coat, and red, a short tale of the past, not to mention he had a short tail the colors of his mane, a cutie mark of a blurb, and the right foreleg’s knee of iron, said while flying, to his feathered companyon his back. The bird was ordinary- for one of its species. It was black on its back, and white on the front, except for the neck and head. Its head was completely black and its neck was a beautiful shade of orange. It had eyes of green. It had feathered flippers off to its side. It was in fact a Punguin. The pegasus was looking at his surrounding airy-a, he found what he was looking for a nice clearing to land in.
“Want some mead-oh wait we’re two young,” The childish colt chuckled at his joke as he landed smoothly in the meadow. The pegasus urged the punguin to get off his vertebrae. The punguin complied and hopped of his buddy’s back.
The punguin replied “Oh, silly Punfusion, always with the punny yolks of the bad eggs of punguins, I guess when I gave you a crack at them you loved them to your age. Though I must inquire what pheasant do you see beyond me?” The colt simply replied by beckoning his friend into the wooded area around the meadow. The wooded area quickly turned into a dark forest as they walked along.
Just as quickly as they walked into the forest, they walked out into a bright meadow. This land was brilliant, and not just the light which shone brighter than it did in the clearing, but the landscape. A gargantuan tree stood in the center of the grassland. A small stream trickled underneath a bridge. Adjacent to the tree was a chicken coop. and throughout the entire area critters lived in harmony.
Punfusion was smitten by its beauty, “Wow!” was all he managed to mutter. He took in all the colors and nature, for most of Punfusion’s life all he had seen was white save for seaweed. Then Punfusion was taken out of his trance when he felt a slap against his rear left leg. “Oh, right pheasantry,” Punfusion pointed over towards the chicken coop, “Look there, Map,” he stated simply.
“A chicken coop in the middle of no where? Oh well, maybe I could get them to perform a chicken dance,” Map replied. As soon as The punguin said those words an orange pegasus filly with a purple mane and no cutie mark exited the chicken coop.
Punfusion joked, “Well there is a chicken now get her to dance.” After saying those words he noticed something about the young filly, she seemed unhappy. “Wait Map, forget that. She’s in the chicken coop of no where and upset maybe something happene-” He was cut off when he saw a yellow pegasus mare with a pink mane approach the young filly.
“Map, take cover in the bushels!” quietly exclaimed Punfusion.
“Erm, why?” asked Map
“Just trust me, OK?”
“No I am going over there to get directions to the closest settlement, and I am going to hope neither of them say 'in the stream' like I know somepony would!” With that Map waddled over to the pegasi duo.
Fluttershy was watching over the Cutie Mark Crusaders for the day; AppleJack was away for a rodeo to watch the fillies, and Rarity was busy sewing elegant dresses for an important client of hers. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were eager to help Fluttershy take care of her animal friends, hoping they could earn a Cutie Mark in animal care.
Scootaloo was outside feeding the chickens, careful not to startle them. Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom were inside Fluttershy's cottage helping her make lunch for each critter, well mostly Angel Bunny.
"We are going ta get our 'Lunch Making for Critters' Cutie Marks for sure Sweetie Belle!" an excited Apple Bloom said.
"Mhm," nodded Sweetie Belle
Aurghh!
"Oh, my... that sounded like Scootaloo, I better go check on her. Girls, stay here," a worried Fluttershy said as she ran out of here cottage. Scootaloo was outside the chicken coop, with a guilty look on her face, as well as a few scratches.
"Scootaloo, are you alright? You're not hurt are you?" Flutershy asked in a panicked tone. "Oh, my... you are scratched. We should get you bandaged."
Scootaloo replied, "I-I'm so sorry Fluttershy, I tried to be gentle like you have shown me but I just got so excited that I might get my Cutie Mark in chicken feeding, that I may have frightened the chick-" she was cut off by an approaching creature, a bird of some sort if Scootaloo had to guess.
"Hello, my name is Map and I was wondering where-"
"Hello, ooh I have never seen a talking penguin before, what is it you are doing so far north little guy?" Fluttershy Interrupted. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle both snuck outside once they heard Fluttershy's joyous sqees.
Map continued, "I wanted to ask you where the nearesting point is, but it seems that you have problems of your own to attend to."
"That's not a word!" came Sweetie Belle's voice. Fluttershy and Map both screeched and fell over, startled at the unexpected shouts.
Scootaloo just rolled her eyes," What are you? a dictionary?"
"I must remember that for whenever ponies quest-on me," Map said still terrified at Sweetie Belle's sudden appearance.
Nopony seemed to notice the blue stallion walking towards the group.
When Punfusion heard the holler of his most trusted ally, he had to act. Punfusion peeked out of the bushes and saw Map lying on the ground in utter fear. He walked over, if he were to charge well everypony would have been in for a shock. While trotting towards the group he felt a twinge of pain around where his prosthetic knee was. He fell over grasping his knee dramatically shouting, "Oh, my Iron-Knee!"
Punfusion quickly realized the mistake he had made. The fillies that previously tormented Map turned to the pegasus. NO NO NO! Now this rescue mission is a bust of the epitome of failed rescue missions, thought Punfusion. He noticed the mare pick herself up and trot towards him. The end is neigh for me. Punfusion could not move, his knee was still on the fritz, so he accepted his faint.
"Map, they euthanized you as well?" asked Punfusion.
"Really? You think Fluttershy here would do that?" Map pointed at the yellow mare who hid behind her mane, and continued, "She took a look at your knee and she could not find anything wrong with it, other than-well other than it is iron."
"She's quite quiet. Oh pun forgive me where are my manners? Hello my name is Punfusion Iron-Knee, I take it you are Fluttershy"-he held out his hoof-"nice to meet you but there must be a way to repay you for your kindness."
Fluttershy replied "um I could never accept that. I-I hardly even know you. "
"What was that?" Punfusion asked
" um nothing"
"Come again?"
"squeak eep squeak"
"Sorry, I did not mean to offend you," Punfusion offered.
Map glared into the eyes of his antsy-arctic friend, giving a slight shake of his head. Map began to talk', "I am sure there is funthing you need us to do." Fluttershy perked up upon seeing the punguin speak with her again.She began to speak before a certain pegasus cut her off.
"Exactly. Anything you kneed." Punfusion pointed to his Iron-Knee. Map rolled his eyes, while it was a clever pun, it was one that Punfusion used far too often, not to mention whatever courage Fluttershy had gained from hear Map, had been lost.
"Hey Punny? Could you wait outside for a few moments? It seems Fluttershy is shy around other ponies," Map pleaded
"Huh? Why? Never mind, I see what you are trying to do. You are trying to woo her," Punfusion accused, "Well, good luck. I'll be outside if you need anything."
"Wait, what? I am not trying to-" Map was interrupted by the closing of the front door.
Fluttershy's cottage became awkwardly silent as Punfusion left. The Cutie Mark Crusaders as well as Map stared at the front door. Fluttershy gazed at Map.
"I-I'm sorry b-but being wooed, by anypony, is not of my concern," Fluttershy apologized.
"Huh? What? Oh do not worry I was not even going to floart with you. Punfusion just pulls on my leg from time to time is all," Map explained. "However, I world like to know: where is the closest settlement?"
"Ponyville is that way." Fluttershy pointed. "But would you help me find my chickens... um if it is all right with you?"
"Eh, sure Punfusion did offer you assistance with anything, did he not? I-we'll be back," aceppted Map as he walked towards the front door. "Oh, wait where are they?"
"Probably in the Everfree Forest like they always break for," answered Fluttershy. "Oh, do be careful the last time i went chasing after the chickens, I found one of my best friends as a statue. She had looked into a cockatrice's eyes. The Everfree Forest is exceptionally dangerous."
"Wait wait wait a coca-what? All we had back south was ball-balancing leopards, fish, and Rocs." Map was very baffled.
"A Cockatrice, a creature with the head of a chicken and body of a snake, if you look deep into its special eyes it will turn you to stone."
"Special eyes? Is there someone I can purchase contact lenses that blocks out the vision of its wearer?"
"Oh um probably Rarity. I believe the brand of contacts is called MIBRAN."
"Thank you, and do not worry we just need to go into town for some supplies" With that Map finished his journey out of the cottage. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Punfusion was pundering, a meditation where he can think of more exploitable words for puns. He had one but in order to use it correctly he would need somepony who found another somepony with a lot of jewelery attractive.Bah, it should not be to hard, if need be I can just find the fan-colt of a model and be done with it.
His thoughts were soon interrupted by the door opening followed by that familiar voice, "Alright We're going to Ponyville."
"Where going to Ponyville? That does not even make sense," said Punfusion, realizing what his friend had actually said. "Oh never mind you meant we are going to Ponyville. Pray tell we're is it?" Punfusion thought if his friend could confuse him with we're and where it was only justifiable to say we're is it.
Apparently Map was not mystified in the least, "It is over yonder." He pointed with an outstretched flipper.
"Well, wart are you waiting for little tadpole?" Punfusion asked knowing Map hated to be called a tadpole. "Less talk more go."
The walk from Fluttershy's cottage to Ponyville was uneventful- well to say it was uneventful was so much of an understatement it could be considered a blatant lie. Whenever Punfusion or Map moved, soap would form on the ground beneath their body. Chocolate Milk soap to be specific. Lucky for the duo they were both adept sledders. they moved on their bellies just like when they were in the south. Then something appeared, something that those who would use puns to describe it would describe it as dischaord.
Standing before, well more like rolling on the ground laughing in front of, Punfusion and Map, was a creature neither the pegasus nor the punguin had seen before. To be fair there were only four different types of creatures in the Antarctic excluding one unique pegasus: leopards, rocs, penguins, and punguins. To Map this was just another creature like a cockatrice, a mysterious, weird combination of animals that probably had some form of magic.
The creature manged in between laughs to say, "You... should have... seen... the... look... on your... faces. It was Priceless!"
Punfusion and Map gave the creature bewildered glances before Punfusion, still in his sliding position, spoke, "Um hello? Who are you- water you?" Technically the pun did not make sense as the soap was chocolate milk based, not water based.
"Me? I thought you were one of my few worshipers, you are practically bowing before me, not to mention you are much unfazed the chocolate milk soap covering the ground you walk... er, slide as the case may be. The look of a pony sledding on their chest is one of the best reactions I have ever seen. Anyway back to your question, all you need to know is that havoc is my tool, chaos my ally, and disharmony my ultimate goal well up until I had a friend." The abomination against sense sighed.
"Hmm, what was that last bit? Did you say until you had friend? Well now I new something I did not before... a Friend's hip is a good way of dis-arm-ony." Punfusion enjoyed his pun much. Apparently whatever this creature was, enjoyed a good pun.
"It has been too long since I've heard a good pun from anypony other than Pinkie Pie. My name is Discord, thewhich is Lord of Chaos. You are coming from Fluttershy's tree are you not?"
"Yeah," Punfusion stated, "We're sledding to Ponyville, which is apparently the closest settlement to her home."
"I thought the closest settlement was the sand the settled at the bottom of that stream that goes underneath the bridge," Discord jived, causing Map to faceflipper.
Map let out a groan, "And here I thought Punfusion was one-of-a-kind. We are only going to Ponyville to gather supplies for a trek into the Everfree Forest."
Discord and Punfusion were equally shocked, "WHAT!? Why?"
It escaped Map's attention at the time, he had forgotten to inform Punfusion of the chickens. "Oh well Fluttershy's chickens escaped their coop, probably to enact a coop d'grace to a cockatrice that they apparently have a stone to pick with."
Punfusion growlned, "When were you planning on telling me? What is a cockatrice? Oh my name is Punfusion by the way, and this is my troublesome punguin friend Map," remembering that they were in the presence of a pony- er whatever Discord was- and had not introduced themselves.
Discord exploded quite literally. He quickly reassembled himself and turned to the dimwitted duo, "YOU KNEW THE CHICKENS ESCAPED AND INSTEAD OF GOING RIGHT AFTER THEM YOU TURNED TAIL AND HEADED OFF TO PONYVILLE!?" Discord calmed down a little bit, "We're going into the Everfree Forest to save those chickens from being stoned. I myself know what it feels like to be a statue and it is not pleasant."
"Um how do you kn-" Punfusion was cut off by the snapping of talons.
Map, Punfusion, and Discord were standing in front of the Everfree Forest. Punfusion was wearing a saddlebag filled to the brim with who knows what. The saddlebag itself was nothing special, beyond the fact that its colors flowed, changing from red, green, purple, yellow, blue, orange, and a variety of other colors. Map was wearing a penguin-shaped backpack filled with fish. Discord, unlike the punguin and pegasus, had no such pack, but he did not need it, he was the embodiment of chaos after all. Map and Punfusion were baffled by how quickly they had arrived back at that Everfree Forest.
"Good, now you are ready to go into the Everfree. You have enough supplies to last you much longer than this little mission. Now, go on, retrieve Fluttershy's chickens, before something terrible happens. Like them getting turned to stone. In my experience wearing stone is not the most comfortable thing in the world, but enough about me, go!" Discord exclaimed.
"Um how, did we get here?" Punfusion asked. "One moment we're sliding across chocolate soap, the next we are standing at the Everfree Forest's entrance. It just doesn't make sense."
"Sense? What fun is there in making sense? Now go on, into the Everfree Forest with you two. You have some pheasants to find," replied Discord.
Map was terribly confused at this, "Comin' with us?"
"No" Discord stated, as if to to say, 'I thought this was obvious what are you still doing here?'
"Then why did you pack us up and bring us here with you?" Punfusion was uncertain as to what this Discord character's real plans were.
"Because Fluttershy is my friend, and you two were not doing what you told her you would do. So, to make sure you are keeping your word I will see you off."
"Actually Map made the promise not me, and if you were Fluttershy's friend would you not help find her chicken friends before they were her chicken frieds?" Punfusion asked.
"And so I have, look at your pack. That has the work of Discord written all over it," suddenly pens floated out of the bag and began to write 'the work of Discord' all over it.
"Okay I think the bag gets the point, as do I," Punfusion stated in defeat. "Yeah I think we should have come here first , I had not known about this promise until a few minute minutes ago. Still, what if the chickens have been turned to stone? Neither Map nor I have magic to free them."
"In that case put them into your Discord patented Disco-bag the grooviest bag in Equestria. then bring them back to me I will be waiting here for your return, and if the chickens are turned to stone, for theirs back to normal," explained Discord.
"Well Map, let's get going. We should not waste any time." Punfusion walked into the forest beckoning Map to follow. "We should hurry before I catch a fever, Wearing these bags makes me feel like I'm in an inferno."
Discord watched as the pun duo went deeper into the forest before completely losing sight of them. The last thing Discord saw was Map hop onto Punfusion's back. "I doubt Fluttershy would appreciate news of them being stoned." Discord's mischievous grin widened, "This will be hilarious." And with that he discorpeared.
Punfusion and Map had been trotting and waddling, respectively, for only an hour or so. Punfusion's knee was running low on juice, due to the lack of wordplay. Not to mention, everything in the Everfree Forest looks the same. It was like the antarctic all over again, only with greenery. Everywhere one looked, trees wood be the only thing in sight. Punfusion thought. The pun in his head had fueled his knee a little bit, but soon the Iron-Knee would catch up too him. Map was shivering, not from cold or disease, those he could tolerate, but from fear and anxiety.
"Oh come now Map, I am in here to save chickens, unless you are a chicken, then you are not helping." Punfusion chuckled at his wordplay. He was certain nopony had ever thought of using "chicken" to describe a scared bird.
"Oh watch the fowl language, Pun," jeered Map, trying to stifle his laughter, to no aviale. Soon the pair of feathered friends could not stop laughing.
"Well, as they say: those with feathers stick together," laughed Punfusion,as they came to a forkest (a fork in the forest) "Now which way do we go?"
Map thought for not a second. "Laughed," he concluded. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Discord was hooting at the terrible-ness of the pegasus and punguin's puns. This is as rich as the chocolate frosting of Celestia's cakes,if not more so Discord thought. But Fluttershy's chickens must be found. Time to make them stop goofing off. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Didja' ear that? Sounded like a cuckooing hiss." Map was frightened of the noise more than he let on to. Map feared it was a cockatrice.
"Eh if it needs an ear give it corn," was the only reply Punfusion could offer in his startled state.
"We do not even have corn," Map pointed out.
"Are you so sure about that? These bags are crafted by the chaos incarnate itself. Who are we to say what makes sense to pack and what doesn't, when Discord was the one who packed my packs. Whatever logic Discord possesses, I doubt anypony else shares it." To prove his point Punfusion opened the saddlebags and found everything other than organization. "We a pony" labeled a pocket that one could only guess was where the weaponry was, Buffaloes danced in tutus out of the bag, cotton candy clouds began to puff into the air, sleeping bags unfolded from both bags, popcorn shot out, and a tent formed over the duo's heads. "Told ya to expect the unexpected, we do, in fact, have corn," Punfusion proudly stated.
Upon opening the "We a pony" pocket, rubber-chickens in weapon racks popped out, as well as, what could only be assumed as a blade of pure chaos, and bars of soap. The sword appeared unwieldy, having no place for hooves or a mouth. It was also practically useless as a wingblade as it made the wielder lopsided whilst flying. It also had the bag's strange trait of flowing colors. It had a band that would logically connect to the foreleg of it's wielder, however this was of Discord's creation, thus logic was out of the question. It also was bulkier than most blades making it appear somewhat shield-like. Punfusion decided to put it on top of the saddlebags for safekeeping and for aerial protection.
A few minutes of cleaning up the tent of chaos, and the duo was back on track. Neither of them noticed the shwierd (shield-like sword) meld into Punfusion's wings, nor did they see a mass of many eyes, looking at that with hunger.
A beam zoomed over Punfusion and Map's head, disintegrating a tree in front of them. They looked behind themselves to see, lo and behold, a mass of many eyes connected to a central eye via steely skin floating five feet above the ground. The central eye was closed for who knows what reason. Turning back to the ashes that were once a tree Punfusion and Map mentally agreed on something...
"RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!" The duo shouted in unison.
And so the chase began. Punfusion took to the skies with Map on his back, hoping the... would not be able to float higher than five feet. This would not be the case as they soon found out.
"Pun, it seems to have some sort of natural buoyancy. Flying is not going to do us any good!"
"Noted."
Garble garble!
"AAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," they managed to shriek before a beam hit Punfusion's hoof. Punfusion looked at his hoof and noticed it was feeling heavier as well as getting grayer.
"This is not good!" anxclaimed Punfusion
"Land hard and fast!" Map advised
Punfusion did not question why. He aimed his hoof that was struck by the beam at the ground, ready to absorb the shock in the stone quickly covering his body. Punfusion's speed of descent increased with a change in weight, and quickly his hoof hit the ground hard. Punfusion expected to see stone fly from his hooves, to only be able to move his head. A bright flash of light blinded Punfusion, Map, Discord and the Be- "Hold It right there, author scum! You are infringing our copyright to the creature which you are using for non-profit use only. This creature was never put in the SRD, and as such you are not legally allowed to use the intellectual property of Gary or Wizards of a Beach. Sorry Punfusion, that ray of Flesh to Copyright infringement is not allowed to be used outside of our game. So none of this ever happened... Retroactively speaking."
"Well at least my flesh is not being turned to-"
"Really you are going to try and reference that, even after the talk we just gave you?"
"Sorry."
"This chapter has never happened. Author Change the end of the last chapter."
"NO! I can create a creature that is only eyeballs to keep within good legal standing..."
"We'll hunt you down and fine you if you are, in fact, lying."
"Well then. Apparently none of what happened, happened, so we are back here... again." Punfusion sighed.
"Bah, don't let those coastal wizards get you down. Smile at least you were not turned to-" Map was interrupted by a booming voice.
"WE TOLD YOU NOTHING IN THAT CHAPTER ACTUALLY HAPPENED IT VIOLATES THE SRD! SO FUHGETABOUTIT!"
"Hmm, that's odd. I feel like we have been through this part of the forest before. I also feel like a tree is supposed to be there." Punfusion pointed to a pile of ashes. "Oh well, whatever happened here I sure cannot remember it."
"But Pun, don'tcha remember what we did in ch-"
"SHHH, there are wizards all around us... They will be here until they think they have wiped our minds of that nonevent."
"Oh, good point."
"Let us just go deeper into the woods, like we did last time. There we will have a fight with whatever creature is allowed on the SRD. Also I am just now remembering I have aerial cover by the blade on my-" Punfusion was shocked as he looked at his back, seeing not one giant shield-like blade, rather, he saw two wing-blades faintly resembling the shield thing. "Oh that is how you wield it hmm? you wield it by chance? Even for chaos that makes no sense! I don't even know how to use wing-blades."
"Well at least now you can fight back whatever the author throws at us."
"We've broken the fourth wall enough. Only Pinkie Pie would be crazy enough to disintegrate it entirely."
"Pinka-what now?"
"Ugh now even I am breaking it. This discussion is over before we accidentally merge every plane of this multiverse together. Could you imagine what would happen if the fabric of time and space were stitched together so that not only would life be confusing, but also there is a chance that the universe would be obliterated. Now Map shut up. before something terrible like an in-depth spin-off of us trying to save the- Oh crap..."
"What?"
Suddenly another booming voice came, not unlike the Wizards', though it seemed more awesome because as everypony knows authors have egotism problems matching those of Rainbow Dash. "IDEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Punfusion and Map were walking along completely oblivious of the past two chapters.
"Hey, Map."
"Yes?"
"Have you noticed how eerie this forest is? It feels like we are being watched."
"I have no idea what you are talking about. But you make a good point, I am feeling tired so I will get on your back."
"What? I never said anything about tires, let alone treads. Nor did I mention sleep. Did we not sleep in the chaos tent?"
"Well I dunno. The last time we did anything of relevance was two chapters ago."
"Fair point."
"Pun? something odd is on your back."
"What is it!? Get it off me! Get it off me!"
"No I mean look at your wings."
Punfusion craned his head to see the chaos blade seamlessly bonded to his wings. "Well, that's just great. I don't even know how to swing these blades let alone fly with them."
Discord could not help but laugh at Punfusion's confusion. It was just so funny. Punfusion did not even realize the blade did not hinder him at all. What a silly pony. Now Discord though Watching him fight with those will be priceless, almost like the artifact itself. According to Fluttershy though, laughing at another pony's expense is unkind, so I should let him keep the blades as compensation for this prank. At that thought Discord snapped his bear claw making a hydra appear before the pegasus and punguin. Take that SRD * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Map? What was that noise?" Punfusion asked, terrified. A large crash is not usually made by the mind.
"H-h-h-high-draw!" Map squeaked out.
Punfusion was now confused. "You want me to draw a picture and put it up high? I suppose I can do that."
"N-no HYDRA!" Map anxiously yelled.
"I think you mean hydro. I do not see anything resembling water."
The hydra Discord summoned was insulted by the pegasus calling it water. One of its heads charged down towards the blue pony.
Punfusion had a sheet of paper out and a crayon in his mouth. He bent down and began drawing a picture. A heavy gust of wind shot over him, followed by a lound BONK. "Huh? What was that?" Punfusion raised his wings defensively over his head, only to feel resistance. Suddenly that feeling was gone and there was now an ice sculpture of a hydra.
"Told you it was a hydro," Punfusion said, with a bored tone.
"I guess that hydra had an icy heart," Map punned.
"Maybe. Let's go find something that will be considered fowlplay."
"You can't mean."
"I do, 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9... Fluttershy's chickens: ready or not here we come!"
