"I wanna see her..."
The cloud house was rather quiet, despite the crowd nestled within. A few ponies sat on the dark blue couch while others stood in serious discussion. Everyone had somber expressions on their faces and no one was speaking very loudly. The house had beautiful architecture with marble archways separating the rooms, all walled by granite. The floor was made of light, fluffy clouds which the pegasai had no trouble walking on.
An orange-maned stallion with a cyan coat stood silently by the staircase leading to the upper level. He was expecting his brother, a light blue-coated pegasus with a short mane of prismatic colours, to descend at any moment now. Radiant Dash was unique in having a rainbow-coloured mane. At least, he was up until the day his daughter was born. The orange-maned Azure Blitz pushed himself away from the wall as he heard his brother overhead.
Radiant Dash had just said his goodbyes to his wife of five years. As he descended the staircase, his brother walked forward and embraced him. The look on Azure Blitz's face was one of fear and worry. With a weak smile, the rainbow-maned stallion confirmed that Heavens Above was still alive. For how long, they could not know. The other ponies in the room all got up and approached him, offering their condolences once again and hugging him with the same love as his brother. Radiant Dash tried his hardest to keep himself from breaking down as he continued looking from face to face with his weak smile. He crossed the living room without a word and moved into an adjacent playroom.
***
Rainbow Dash was sitting on the floor, frowning at one of her pony dolls while waving another through the air. The doll sitting on the floor before her was beige with black-button eyes. The one in her hoof was blue with white buttons. Both of them had been stitched together by her mother
“That wasn't very nice of ya, Butterbean!” Rainbow said in a high-pitched squeak, bouncing the blue toy through the air. “You're a stupid-head for saying that about Fancy Feathers!”
Radiant Dash gave a small knock against the marble archway dividing the rooms with his hoof. The filly looked up at her father. He grinned broadly at his four-year-old little girl, doing his best to keep his mood elevated for her sake in case she needed her father's comfort.
“Hey there, champ...” Radiant Dash said in a croaky voice. “What're you doing?”
“Playin',” Rainbow said with a shrug, placing down the blue doll and picking up the beige one.
“Do you want to come see Mommy?” he asked her gently, approaching her and dropping down to his knees.
Rainbow Dash froze, holding the doll still in the air. She flexed her wings a few times, blinking her cerise eyes rapidly. Slowly, she laid the toy back on the cloud floor and hung her head low. There was a terribly cold feeling creeping through her body, clenching her stomach in its icy talons.
Rainbow Dash's mother had been carrying a brain tumour for longer than Rainbow had been alive. By the time the filly had been born, her parents had already been aware that the growth was both malignant and inoperable. Within the last year, her health had taken a turn for the absolute worse. Migraines and dizziness during the early stages had been one thing, but the seizures and fainting that were nearly a daily occurrence had been another thing entirely.
“Daddy?” she asked softly, dragging one of her front hooves across the floor. “Is Mommy going soon?”
“I...” Radiant trailed off. He swallowed hard and slowly extended both of his arms out to his daughter. Rainbow Dash quickly got to all fours and ran over to him, throwing herself into his chest. “I'm... afraid so, sweetheart. It's almost time for her to go...”
“I d-don't want her to die...” Rainbow said softly, burying her face into his fur. With a shudder, she could feel tears begin to leak from her eyes. “I don't want to be sad!”
She certainly felt it. Rainbow Dash had been very subdued for the last week. Four years old or not, she had not failed to realize that 'Mommy's sickness' had gotten so much worse lately. Although she was quite happy to see her favourite cousins over the last few days, Rainbow couldn't help but feel that her aunts and uncles were coming to say 'Goodbye' to her mother. Heavens Above and Radiant Dash had not concealed from their daughter that 'Mommy wouldn't be around forever'. They had been honest with her the moment she was old enough to comprehend it. It had not been easy to explain to a four year old filly that the mother she loved so dearly was on borrowed time.
“Daddy doesn't want to be sad either, baby,” Radiant Dash said softly, giving the top of her head a soft peck. Rainbow's short, wild prismatic hair was brushed aside by his muzzle. “But Daddy isn't afraid. He knows Mommy is going to go to a better place.”
“I don't want... want her to g-go...” Rainbow's stomach was churning softly as the warm tears continued to drip from the end of her nose, staining her father's chest fur.
“I don't want her to either. But it's for the best, sweetheart. Mommy's been suffering really, really bad for a long time. She's not able to get better. When Mommy passes on, all of her pain will stop and she will be happy and healthy f-forever...” Radiant Dash explained, his voice breaking.
Rainbow could feel her father's own tears dripping on to her shoulders. She clung tightly to him, her body starting to feel extremely chilly now; she was shivering all over.
“Is M-Mommy really an angel?” Rainbow asked suddenly, desperate for this one bit of comforting information.
“I think so, honey!” Radiant whispered to her softly, breathing deeply to try and steady himself. “She's so beautiful, isn't she? You and your mommy are the two most beautiful ponies I've ever met, Rainbow. When I first met her, I told her I thought she looked like an angel, even before I learned that her name was Heavens Above.”
“It's gotta be true...” Rainbow sniffled softly, still crying lightly. She could feel the constricting bands of misery around her stomach loosening as her father continued to cuddle her in his arms.
“Mommy's going back to Heaven. I guess she was only allowed live here long enough to make the lives of everypony she's met special!” Radiant explained, giving a watery laugh. “And she's given me the bravest little girl in Equestria... but her time is almost over. She's been through so much pain...”
“I wanna see her...” Rainbow Dash breathed, rubbing her eyes with her right hoof.
“Of course, baby. Come on, I'll take you upstairs, Rainbow. Your mom will be so happy you came to visit her!” Radiant said, wiping his own eyes and picking up his daughter in his arms.
Extending his wings, he gave them a soft flutter and floated out of the playroom. Rainbow Dash kept her face buried in his chest as she tried to prevent anymore tears from spilling. She knew she was going to cry when she saw her poor mother and she didn't want to whimper more than she had to.
Radiant flew them past their relatives and up the spiralling staircase of pink clouds to the upper landing. Setting Rainbow Dash gently onto her hooves on the soft, fluffy white floor, he pushed open the door of the master bedroom and lead his daughter inside.
Rainbow Dash's gaze found the emaciated mare in the dim, candle-lit room. Her tall stature looked diminished as she lay on her belly on the bed with her head resting on her arms, eyes closed. The snow white mare's ears perked up once she heard the door close and she opened her eyes to stare blankly across the room. She had lost her sight two months prior. Both mild paralysis and severely declined stamina had prevented her from lifting her head. She had not been physically capable of leaving her bed for weeks.
“Is that you, Radi?” she asked in a very quiet voice, blinking and giving her wings a small flap.
“Yes, my love. I'm back with Rainbow,” he explained, walking over to her and dropping down beside her to gently lift her head and place a kiss on her lips. “I'll let you have some privacy with her. I love you, Heavens.”
“Radi... thank you... for everything you've given me,” Heavens Above whispered softly to her husband, reaching out blindly to stroke his mane. “I was blessed to have had the... chance to fall in love with you...” She could hardly draw breath and her words were quiet like a ghostly chorus. She was clinging to her life second-by-second.
Rainbow Dash could already feel the tears starting to flow down her face again as her parents had this loving exchange. Her mother seemed to be having a very hard time speaking, as she was constantly struggling to take breaths.
“You'll watch over us, w-won't you, my angel?” Radiant whispered, his voice breaking again. He inhaled sharply and Rainbow Dash could see fresh tears start to fall from her father's eyes.
“Always...” Heavens' head dropped lightly on to her arms again as Radiant carefully lowered her chin. She flicked her tail lightly.
Radiant slowly turned and walked away from her, back over to his daughter. From Rainbow Dash's perspective, it seemed to take him a lifetime to tear his eyes away from his wife. In later years, Rainbow would always look back and remember the pained expression on her father's rugged face.
Radiant Dash dropped down to his knees again and wrapped his daughter in another hug. He placed his lips to her forehead and closed his eyes, shaking with grief as he stroked her multi-coloured mane. After a moment he seemed to pull himself together. Standing up again, he stepped aside and slowly walked to the door, leaving Rainbow free to approach her mother.
Heavens Above, upon hearing the door open and close again, took a deep breath. Rainbow Dash watched her thin chest expand. She had never seen her mother so frail and delicate before. Heavens slowly, painfully, stretched out one of her hooves in Dash's general direction.
“Come let Mama see you, sweetheart. D-don't-” Heavens Above stopped speaking for a brief moment as a hoarse cough tore through her lungs. Rainbow's eyes opened with fear for a moment and she started to trot forward very quickly, heart racing. “Don't be scared, my love...”
Rainbow felt a horrible emptiness as she approached the bed and the dying mare. She nuzzled her face against her mother's. The arm Heavens tried to wrap around her was too weak to grip her and the kiss she felt her mother place upon her was soft like the caress of an almost non-existent breeze.
“But...” Dash whispered, screwing up her face as tears filled her eyes again, “you can't see me, Mommy. Your eyes won't work anymore...”
“Mama doesn't need them to work to remember... what her Rainbow looks like,” she whispered softly to the anguished filly. Dash could feel her mother's deathly weak hoof caress her forehead. “You have gold here, just like Daddy...” Dash started to quiver and felt her breath catch in her lungs.
“Mommy, I love you!” Dash whimpered suddenly, pain stabbing at her stomach as her mother's touch slowly traced through her hair.
“Mama loves... you too, Rainbow.” Heavens gasped softly.
Dash could see that her arm was already starting to slip as though it weighed a thousand pounds to the mare. She placed her own tiny front hooves under it help keep it elevated. Heavens Above continued to move it through the colours of her mane.
“Gold at the bottom... then orange, longer than your father's... and red. That's Mama's favourite and she loves the way it sticks up at the back...” Heavens Above continued to whispered to her daughter, moving her hoof around Dash's head to her mane proper. Dash pressed her face against her mother's, crying silently. “And we have green and blue back here! You're so pretty, Rainbow... Mama will never forget what you look like. She won't forget the little bit of violet at the very bottom.”
“Mommy, I d-don't want you t-to go...” Dash moved to her mother's left and climbed on to the bed with her. She pushed her head under her mother's long golden-streaked blonde mane and crawled under her left arm, pressing herself close to her mother's chest. Heavens Above wrapped her arm around her with every ounce of strength she had left. “I'm scared to say 'Goodbye'...”
“Mama was scared too, sweetheart... It was so very hard to accept that I'm not going to be there when... you started school,” Heavens explained as Dash started to cry a little louder, “and it's very hard to accept that I'm not going to get to be by your side as you grow up and fall in love. Mama wishes she could be there the day you have your own foals. All of the birthdays and the great things you're going to grow up to do... I'm so sorry I can't be there to guide you, darling. I'm going to miss holding you in... in my arms.”
“It's not... fair...” Rainbow Dash choked, staining her mother's fur with wet tears and runoff from her nose. “Why c-can't the doctors make you better? I don't wanna grow up without you!”
“Rainbow... you won't grow up without me. Mama will always watch over you and she'll be there in your... heart forever.” She paused to take a careful breath and Dash cuddled even closer to her, shaking with grief. “My body might die but we will always be together, won't we?”
“But we won't! You're gonna be buried and I'll never get to see you again! Me and Daddy will be sad without y-you...” Dash said through her streaming tears and rattling breath, feeling her mother's beautiful wings stroking her mane lightly.
“Rainbow Dash...” Heavens Above whispered softly, loosening her tight hold on her daughter as the strength in her arm failed her. “Did Mama ever tell you why... she named you Rainbow?”
“'cause... 'cause my mane?” Dash asked in response to her mother's own question, twisting her head to look into her mother's blank green eyes, wishing more than anything that they could fix her with the same loving look that they used to.
Heavens Above gave a light chuckle and Dash's heart leapt in her chest. She hadn't heard her mother laugh in days. The warm feeling vanished like a light bulb blowing when she heard the painful cough that followed.
“T-that's one reason, you clever girl...” she choked, pausing for a few moments to steady her breathing. “But there's lots of words that mean 'many colours'. Me and Daddy decided on 'Spectrum' at first.”
“Did you really?” Rainbow asked, lifting her head to kiss her mother's cheek.
“Yes, my love... but I told him I wanted to name you Rainbow in the end and he understood why,” she continued in another whisper.
“How come?” Dash probed her, her own breathing finally steady again.
“Before Mama found out you were in her belly, she and Daddy were having a very hard time with our bills and buying the food we needed to live. To make things worse, that's when Mama learned about her cancer. Everything felt so dark, Rainbow... we didn't have the money to eat what we wanted to eat and it was so hard to pay the bills to keep our home. I would cry myself to sleep sometimes and I tried to hide it from Daddy. We didn't know how we would be able to take care of you when you were born...” Heavens had to pause here for nearly a full minute to get the oxygen back into her lungs as Dash cuddled silently into her fur. “But the day you finally came into this world, sweetheart... everything changed. From the moment I heard your beautiful cries for the first time and held you in my arms, I realized the truth; no matter how hard things get, there will always be a rainbow at the end of the storm. You were Mama's rainbow. I felt so much happier when I saw your gorgeous eyes for the first time. I love you... so much, darling.”
Dash was crying softly again. Despite this, she was finding these words inexpressibly comforting.
“What happened after?” Rainbow asked softly, sniffling.
“I tried my hardest to keep going... as long as my sickness would allow me in order to keep you safe and fed. And then Daddy started getting work with the military again and, very slowly, everything started... getting better.” The mare took another careful breath, her ears twitching. “I never once gave up hope since you were born, Rainbow. Even when Mama's gotta face dying at last, you'll always be my rainbow and my courage. You are my greatest treasure. Always remember... these words, Rainbow, as I believe it holds true for you as well: Your family is your greatest treasure. Daddy will always be there for you and I'll always watch over you.”
“But what if s-something happens to Daddy?” Rainbow croaked, her voice breaking as the tears resumed, thick and fast. “W-what if you c-can't be with m-me in my heart?”
“Not even leaving this world... will stop me, Rainbow.” Heavens Above's voice was dropping so low that Dash could barely make it out now, despite being inches from her mother's mouth. “Even if you... lose Daddy one day, you must always stand brave and tall when... you have to face your fears and never cry when the world becomes too much to bear...”
Rainbow Dash let these words wash over her, the full realization that their time together was reaching its end a firm fact in her young mind.
“Mommy, you're so brave,” Dash whispered to her after a small stretch of silence. “You're never afraid of a-anything, not even having to die... Are you really an angel? Is that why you got sick, 'cause you gotta go home?”
The childish question lingered in the air for a moment, although Dash had been completely serious. Whenever she heard her father refer to her mother as an angel, she always felt a warmth in her chest and the weight of her depressing thoughts leave her for a moment.
“Daddy thinks I'm an angel...” Heavens replied softly. “I think I'm just a regular old pony... maybe he's right and I'll find out when I pass on?”
“I think you're an angel...” Dash mumbled, smiling in spite of herself. “Will I get to see you again one day, Mommy? If you're really an angel, can't you come and visit me?”
“I don't know, my love,” Heavens spoke, once again tightening her arm around her daughter, taking a very deep breath and flinching as pain shot through her, “but of course you'll get to see me again one day. You like Mama's... stories, right?” Dash nodded into her side, sniffling softly. “Mama's gonna be there to meet you when it's time... for you to leave this world. I'll be the first one to hug you on the other side, I promise... I'm looking forward to all the great stories you'll have to tell me yourself.”
“Okay...” Rainbow sniffled, her mind's eye showing her Heavens Above in a white gown and looking perfectly healthy, arms wide in greeting.
“Mama's... gotta leave soon, baby,” Heavens Above said with another cough.
“No...” Dash begged her, squeezing tightly into her mother's fur. “Don't go! Please, don't die!”
“I need to say 'Goodbye' before its too late, Rainbow Dash. You were the best thing to happen to me and Mama will never forget you...” Heavens told her gently, wing stroking her mane once again.
“I don't wanna have to say it...” Rainbow shook her head vigorously, starting to bawl again. “I don't wanna lose my mommy...”
“I know, darling...” Heavens Above whispered. Dash could see her close her eyes. “You don't need to say it. Mama understands...”
Dash nodded softly. She closed her eyes against her endless tears and could feel her mother shivering against her. She tried to steady herself but found it so difficult to calm down. Her throat was dry from the rush of air as she breathed rapidly. There was no escaping this, Dash knew. She stretched out to her mother's face to nuzzle her and felt her mother kiss her again. Relaxing once more, Rainbow Dash just clung hard to her mother's arm. Would she ever be able to get over this or would she just be sad forever? Another terrible idea occurred to her: Would she feel bad if she never said her goodbyes?
“Mommy...” Dash sniffed, trying to stem the flow of her tears. “G-goodbye... I love you.”
“Goodbye, Rainbow... I love... you too.” Her mother's voice was at an all time low. Dash held her breath in order to hear her properly.
“Are you going n-now?” Dash's heart jumped into her throat. Her mother did not respond straight away. Dash repeated the question, her lips trembling.
“I will stay as long... as I can...” Dash's mother fell silent again, stroking her mane softly with one of her thin wings. “If I have the strength to lie with you all night... I will...”
Dash peeled her eyelids open, eyes very sore from her tears. Her vision was so blurry. As her mother stroked her mane, Dash could see the mare smile softly. Dash closed her eyes again, lost in what could be the final moments of comfort she would ever get to enjoy by the side of the pony who had given her everything.
“My greatest treasure... you are my own angel, Rainbow.” Heavens Above's voice was so insubstantial that Rainbow Dash wasn't even sure if these words had come from her mother's mouth or simply flooded her mind.
Dash did not know how many minutes had come and gone. She could feel her mother's harsh breaths against her body as the mare's chest expanded and contracted. Every so often, Dash could feel the feathers brush her head. As her mother took another sharp intake of breath, she brushed her own little wings against her mother's expanding chest. Heavens went quiet again with a small exhale.
Rainbow Dash rubbed her eyes silently and ran an arm across her nose, snorting softly. This had been the worst day of her short life so far. Would she ever be able to smile at the sunshine again? Dash did not know how long she laid there in the quiet of the evening, surrounded by the warmth of her mother's body and wings. She knew how much Heavens Above loved her and what she had meant to her. Rainbow Dash was thankful that she was old enough to be able to talk to her mother and to get to know her a little better.
As she closed her stinging eyes, her thoughts drifted to her father. She would need to be brave and strong, just like him. 'He knew Mommy longer than I did...' Dash thought to herself in the semi-darkness. Heavens Above had wanted her to stand brave and tall. Her father did not want her mother to suffer any longer than she had to. Both of her parents had accepted her mother's fate, Dash knew. She would have to accept it herself. Maybe that was the only way she would ever be able to smile again?
Dash opened her eyes and blinked them clear. She twisted around and buried her face into her mother's chest fur, wrapping her arms as wide around the mare as she could.
“Mommy, I don't want you to hurt anymore. You said... you would stay as long as you could. I don't want you to be in pain... I love you, Mommy. You can go...” Rainbow's soft voice echoed quietly throughout the room, barely a whisper above the flickering of the candles in the corner. She could not hear her mother respond. “M-Mommy?” Dash's voice raised a little higher.
She moved her head to peer into the wasted face of the once beautiful pony. Eyes still closed and mouth still smiling softly, Heavens Above could have been sleeping. Rainbow stretched out her neck to give her mother one final kiss. The lips still felt warm to her. She placed her head against the underside of her mother's chin and felt fresh tears burning against her skin as they rolled down her cheeks.
Dash curled up, wrapping her tail around her body and nuzzling into her mother's fur as much as she could, waiting for her father to come and check up on them. “You went back to Heaven...”