After a magic tornado, three Westboro Baptist Church members aren't in Kansas anymore. With Twilight to guide them, they must get to Canterlot to find a way back, and hopefully learn some valuable lessons about friendship along the way.
Fred Phelps, Shirley Phelps-Roper, and Jack Wu are Westboro Baptist Church members. One day, a magic tornado hits their church in Topeka, whisking them away to the colorful world of Equestria.
Now, with a highly-irritated Twilight Sparkle to guide them, they must make their way to Canterlot in the hopes that Princess Celestia will be able to send them home. Along the road, ponies try to teach them some valuable lessons about friendship. Will they listen and find hearts and brains, or will even Equestria fail to reform these wicked witches?
“Boy, that sure was a great protest,” said Fred Phelps from behind the wheel of the Westboro Baptist Church bus. His trademark over-sized exaggerated white cowboy hat sat atop his head as he drove.
“Too bad only the three of us could make it,” he added, gripping the steering wheel against the strong wind gusts which buffeted the sides of the bus.
“Yes, indeed, it was a fine protest. God sure does hate Oklahoma for some reason connected to fags that I can’t quite remember right now,” said Jack Wu, a short, Chinese-American man with glasses.
“It’s because of Jason Collins, that fag basketball player,” said Shirley Phelps-Roper, the spokeswoman for the group and Fred’s daughter, “He isn’t from Oklahoma, but that one man who complimented him was from there, remember?”
“Oh, right,” said Jack Wu at the incredibly tenuous "logic."
“Well, he doesn’t hate Oklahoma as much as he hates Topeka. Speaking of, guess where we are now? Home, sweet home!” said Fred Phelps as he made a right off of Interstate 470 onto Gage Boulevard. (brought to you by Google maps)
“The city of WHORES!” screamed Shirley, screeching at that last word. Several of the windows on the bus shattered at the vibrating of her loud, banshee-like vocal chords.
“Whores? Yeah, you would know,” muttered Jack Wu under his breath.
“Shut your stupid mouth, Jack,” Shirley snipped.
“I swear, you two. Don’t make me throw my hat back there,” said Fred Phelps as he made another turn.
“Sorry, Fred,” they both said.
“Now that’s better. If you guys are good, maybe I’ll get you two some McDonald’s later. And look, we’re home,” he said, pulling into the driveway of the church.
The Westboro Baptist Church was a large, Tudor-style building located in a residential neighborhood next to houses which had lost all property value in the years since the church was built. From the inside of the gated church, a large white banner hung reading “God Hates Fags!” in big, bold red letters.
“Hey, no one firebombed us while we were gone!” exclaimed Jack.
“That’s good. God has blessed us,” replied Fred.
“Um, gang? I think we should get inside right now,” said Shirley, pointing up at the sky. A large, black funnel cloud hung directly over the church. The wind whipped leaves and grass around as a storm brewed.
“Oh, looks like God will finally take revenge on the residents of Topeka for their vile treatment of us! Come, my followers, into the church so we can watch the carnage from the safe-haven which He has given us!”
“Um, I don’t know about that,” said Jack Wu, “I mean, the funnel cloud is right over the church. I think it might hit, well, the three of US.”
“Nonsense. God would never strike down our church, for we are doing his work. He probably placed the funnel cloud over the church just so everyone would know exactly where it came from. Have you no FAITH, Jack?” Fred asked.
“Plenty of faith, but I don’t know, it looks pretty dark…”
“Shut up, Jack. Do as father says and file into the church,” Shirley snapped. Jack acquiesced and the three filed into the church.
“This is going to be good. I wonder if He will take out that rainbow-painted house across the street from us, first? I’m sure that God hates that fag most of all; he is in such proximity to our demonstration of God’s glory yet persists in his sodomy and sinful ways despite that,” Fred said from behind one of the windows which he stood in front of, gazing out.
“Probably. I’ll bet he’ll weave a trail of delicious destruction right from that house all the way to the Topeka police department, who didn’t do anything for us when our windows were smashed and we were firebombed in 1995,” said Shirley.
“That, or the tornado will hit the church,” said Jack.
“Don’t blashpheme, Jack!” Fred said as he turned from the window. He menacingly walked towards Jack, grabbing his hat from his head, about to smack Jack with it.
“No, I mean the tornado is literally headed for us this very moment. Turn around,” Jack said.
Fred put his hat back on and turned his gaze back towards the window and sure enough, an extra big-ass tornado was hauling its way towards the WBC and the three members inside.
“Maybe God’s taking us along for the ride so we can see His destruction firsthaaaaaaaaaand!” yelled Fred over the sound of shattering glass, as the tornado sucked him in.
“Yeah, let’s go with thaaaaaaaat!” said Shirley as she was swept off of her feet by the whirling gusts of the blackened tornado.
“AAAAAH!” yelled Jack. Though he too was being sucked into the funnel, his screaming was more about the incredible ignorance on display in front of his very eyes than the tornado.
The tornado sucked up the entire church, and it whipped and gusted over the land as the three WBC members flew around and around in it. Finally, the tornado landed in a strange place. I won’t go into detail describing Ponyville and the front of Twilight’s library where they landed, because we all watch the show and already know what Ponyville looks like.
The three churchgoers were nearly crushed under their church. Beams and walls came tumbling down as the church slammed into the ground. However, the three members all stood up and realized that they were fine, so they found a way and climbed out.
“I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, Jack,” said Shirley as she crawled from the twisted wreckage of the church.
“Wait, so I’m your dog now?” asked Jack, crawling through a hole. “I watched the Wizard of Oz, too, you know. That line was originally spoken to a dog.”
“Well, who else was I supposed to say it to? That purple thing over there? COME ON!” Shirley screeched her banshee scream at Jack, nearly deafening him and breaking several windows in Twilight’s library.
“Wait, purple thing… is that… a unicorn?” said Fred, brushing the church dust off of his clothes and walking over to Twilight Sparkle, who had egressed from the library in response to the commotion.
“Oh, hello. You three look odd. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and this is Ponyville. Welcome. I’m not sure how you ended up here. What happened?”
“Well, miss Sparkle, that’s just what we were wondering,” said Fred Phelps in a kind, almost personable manner which did not yet betray his inner sack of shit within, “We were in our church in Kansas one second, and then we ended up in, where did you say?”
“Ponyville,” she responded. “And, what’s a Kansas?” she asked.
“A god-forsaken rectangle in the middle of America, the vilest nation on the planet earth,” Phelps answered.
“Sorry, but none of those names are providing any context. Ponyville is a town in Equestria, which is located on the planet of—“ Twilight started, before being interrupted by Rainbow Dash.
“Woah, Twilight! Me and the other pegasi were just making a tornado in Cloudsdale so we could destroy some old foreclosed cloud homes, and then all of a sudden the tornado just disappeared. What happened?”
“Who is THIS?” Shirley Phelps asked, looking suspiciously at the rainbow-coated Pegasus.
“Oh, well I was just working on a new mass-teleportation spell,” said Twilight, ignoring daughter Phelps, “Maybe the spell hit the tornado, and sent it into their world!” she said as she pointed her hoof at the three WBC members.
“Yeah, let’s go with that explanation,” said Rainbow Dash to the unicorn’s implausible story that was nevertheless still more plausible than half the explanations for HiE that a typical fanfiction would give.
“Yeah, sorry about that, you guys,” said Rainbow Dash to the church members.
“Wait a minute… rainbow mane… a deep, scratchy voice for a female… are you a FAGGOT!?” asked Fred Phelps.
“Fred, these ponies are trying to help us, you don’t need to immediately start asking about—“
“Quiet, you!” Fred yelled as he finally made good on his threat and threw his cowboy hat at Jack, knocking him backwards about twenty feet. He hit the ground with a thud, which knocked the wind out of him.
Wheezing, Jack said, “Jeez, I wish I had a superpower. Fred gets super hat-throwing and Shirley gets super-screaming, and I get, well, Jack.” Little did he realize that his modicum of common sense was far more of a superpower than either of his two churchmates had.
“Wait, what’s a faggot?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Faggot. Noun. A bundle of sticks or twigs, especially when bound together and used as fuel,” replied Twilight Sparkle (brought to you by Dictionary.com).
“No, I’m not a bundle of sticks, I’m a Pegasus. You three sure are silly. Almost as silly as Pinkie Pie. Speaking of…”
Suddenly, the pink mare bounded in front of the three Westboro members.
“Oooh! Oooh! New ponies! Or, not ponies. What are you, anyway? Ah well, it doesn’t matter. I’m Pinkie Pie. Time for the welcome song!”
She grabbed her welcome wagon, turned it on, and sang the same song that she sang in that one Cranky Doodle episode. You can look it up online if you want (brought to you by YouTube.com). Thankfully, the confetti and the dough weren’t mixed up this time.
“Oh God, there’s singing? Maybe this is closer to the Wizard of Oz than I thought,” said Jack Wu.
“I suppose that you’re the lollipop guild?” asked Shirley.
“Uh, no. I do love lollipops, though. I even run a confectionery shop that makes baked goods and candy, too!”
“Pinkie, you really gotta lay off the welcome wagon. You’re gonna scare ‘em all off!” Applejack, the newest arrival on the scene, said.
“And who are you?” asked Shirley.
“Oh, I’m Applejack. Nice hat, by the way,” she said, pointing to Fred Phelps’ cowboy hat.
“Thank you, miss Applejack,” said Fred, flattered by the compliment.
“Why on EARTH are you complimenting their clothes, Applejack? I’ve seen better fashions on a DRAGON than them,” said Rarity, who had also just recently arrived.
“I hope they didn’t scare away any of the animals when their church landed,” said Fluttershy, and with that all of the mane six had spoken at least one line. Spike was there too, but he really didn’t do anything important.
Fred Phelps said, “Okay. So my name is Pastor Fred Phelps. This is my daughter, Shirley, and this is one of my churchgoers, Jack Wu. So we need to get back to Topeka, Kansas. We have a lot of picketing to do.”
“Picketing? You mean, protesting things with signs? What do you picket?” asked Fluttershy.
“We picket all sorts of depraved activity, such as homosexuality, being gay, and being a faggot,” Fred Phelps replied.
“Well, I can try to send you back, but I can’t guarantee that it will work,” said Twilight Sparkle, “I barely even know how I got you here in the first place.”
“That’s quite alright, Miss Sparkle. We’d love to get back to God’s least favorite nation of America since there’s so much of His work to be done there, but if all else fails, we can just stay here in Equestria and picket. I’m sure we’ll find plenty to picket about,” Fred Phelps said, eyeing Rainbow Dash once again, this time with a scowl.
“Wait… stay… here?” Twilight gulped.
“As in, Equestria, here?” Rainbow added.
“Well, if you can’t get us back, that is,” said Jack Wu, “Otherwise, we’d love to go back to our own world.”
“Rainbow, may I have a word with you in private?” Twilight Sparkle asked her friend.
“Sure,” Rainbow Dash said as they went off into the corner.
Twilight Sparkle began singing to Rainbow Dash. In a bizarre coincidence, the melody of the song exactly matched the melody of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” from the Wizard of Oz.
“Looks like we messed up, Rainbow. You and I.
You have made a tornado, way up in the sky.
Looks like we messed up, Rainbow, it is true
And with my magic spell we’ve
Brought all three of these fools.
We’ve brought them here from way afar
If they can’t leave, they’ll stay and start destroying.
That woman’s screech is like a bat,
And that one man will throw his hat,
They’re so annoying.”
Rainbow Dash responded with a verse of her own, correcting a perceived misstatement by her friend.
“You say, ‘we’ve messed up, Rainbow.’ You should say ‘I.’
I’ve made many tornadoes
They’ve never gone awry
If magic made the storm switch worlds beyond me, Rainbow
It’s your fault, not I.
“So yeah. Basically, you trying to lump me in with you in terms of who is to blame isn’t going to fly. This is on you and your weird magic experiments, Sparkle,” Rainbow Dash elaborated.
“So then, what do we DO?” Twilight asked.
“We? This is all on you. You have to put this right. You have to find a way to make this all okay,” Rainbow said.
“Okay, I guess I’ll fix it all by myself,” said Twilight.
“That’s learning to take responsibility!” Rainbow responded. The two walked back over towards the members of the Westboro Baptist Church.
“Okay, church people. I can’t personally get you back to earth because I have no idea what spell would teleport you there. So, you will have to go and see Princess Celestia.”
“She won’t use a magic spell, will she? God tells us to not dabble in sorcery. That’s the stuff of the Devil,” said Fred.
“Fred, I don’t think magic is evil in this world like it is in ours. This unicorn is magic and she seems nice enough—“
Fred pointed a single finger at his cowboy hat, and Jack Wu got the message and quieted.
“Anyway. Is there any other way that we can possibly return to Kansas without some form of magic?” Fred continued.
“I don’t know, but again, you’ll have to see Princess Celestia about that one,” said Twilight Sparkle, “She’s far more knowledgeable about that sort of thing than I am. I think she told me about a portal to another world once.”
“Is it a magic portal?” asked Fred.
“I don’t think so. I think it’s just a portal constructed by science,” answered Twilight.
“Science, eh? Hmmm….” Fred scratched his chin. “Not evolution science, though, right?”
“Um… no.” Twilight answered.
“The same sort of science that built cars and computers, right? Because we can use those.” He asked.
“Yes? I guess? I don’t know what any of that stuff is.”
“Eh, I suppose it will have to do. Let’s go see this Princess Celestia person.”
“Pony,” Twilight corrected.
“Whatever.” Phelps answered, “Can you take us there, Miss Sparkle?”
“Well, sure. As long as you don’t mind having some evil magic pony around,” Twilight scoffed.
“Hmm… I suppose that you will have to do,” said Phelps, “I guess if God can do good works through a mass shooter like James Holmes or Adam Lanza, he can do good works through you. Now take us to the Princess.”
“That’s… the spirit?” Twilight replied, perplexed, “So let’s just go. All we have to do to get to Canterlot is follow the cobblestone road.”
She began walking down the road, and the three WBC members followed her.
“Follow the cobblestone road… Is there a song that goes along with that, too?” Jack Wu asked.
Twilight responded, “What? No. I can sing one if you like, though.
“Follow the cobblestone road.
Follow the cobblestone road.
Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the cobblestone road.
“We’re off to see the Princess,
The Princess is in Canterlot
We hear she can send you all back, and get you all to go.
And then you can leave us all alone, because she will send you home.
Because, because, because, because, because!
Because you’re annoying and won’t shut up!”
“WE are annoying? Well, that makes four of us,” replied Jack Wu.
“Sorry,” said Twilight Sparkle, “Singing is how a lot of us in this world express ourselves. You hold signs and picket, we sing. I know which one I prefer.”
“Oh, well we sing in our world, too. We actually have parody songs that we’ve written to make fun of America and its fag culture. You can find them on our website,” said Fred.
“Yeah, and I didn’t like the parody singing then, either,” said Jack Wu.
Fred Phelps, upon hearing Jack dis his beautiful music, grabbed his cowboy hat and punched Jack in the gut with it, sending him flying a hundred feet up the road. He landed with a thud, breaking at least five pelvic bones.
“Well,” said Jack, returning to his feet in agony, “At least that’s a hundred feet less I have to walk.”
“Uggggh. It hurts! I think I broke, like, five pelvic bones,” said Jack Wu as Twilight Sparkle teleported over to him to check on him.
“Wait… five pelvic bones? I don’t know about human beings, but ponies only have one pelvic bone,” Twilight said.
“Yes, same with us; only one. And I didn’t hit him anywhere nearly as hard as I could have. He’s probably just bruised. Now get up, Jack, and stop being a fag,” said Fred, who just recently arrived on the scene.
Jack got to his feet and discovered that he could still walk, though every step hurt him to take.
“So, tell me more about your world,” said Twilight Sparkle, “From what you’ve told me, it sounds like an awful place.”
“Oh, it is. There’s fags everywhere, and god has damned our nation to hell for its acceptance of homosexuality. It is only by his mercy that we are allowed to picket and preach the gospel and save what few souls we can,” said Fred.
“So. God in your world. What form does He take?” asked Twilight.
“What do you mean?” asked Fred.
“In our world, we have a goddess of sorts. She raises the sun every day, she is immortal, and though she didn’t create the world, she is connected to the powers which did. She is the very Princess Celestia who we are off to see. She is an alicorn, an amalgamation of all three pony races: pegasi, unicorn, and earth pony.”
“So your god directly speaks to you and gives you advice through this Celestia character?” Fred Phelps asked.
“Yours doesn’t?” Twilight asked.
“Not directly. We read the gospel and interpret His words and the words of His son, Jesus Christ, His ambassador from 2,000 years ago,” said Shirley.
“So Jesus Christ must be like Celestia, then. An ambassador of sorts. But God no longer speaks to you through His son?”
“No.”
“Your God is silent, then. How odd,” said Twilight.
“Ooh, ooh! This is exactly like that one C.S. Lewis book, Out of the Silent Planet,” said Jack Wu in a reference that probably no one reading this will get.
“So, if He doesn’t speak to you, how do you know that your interpretation of His words is correct?” Twilight asked.
“Believe me, we know,” said Fred Phelps.
“But, it sounds like you don’t. If your God doesn’t talk to you or send confirmation that you’re right, you can’t know that you are right” (brought to you by screencaps of Facebook.com arguments reposted on reddit.com).
“WE. KNOW!” said Phelps, stopping in his tracks and turning to face the unicorn.
“Okay. Well, if you think you have knowledge that you don’t, that’s as bad as not knowing in the first place. It sounds like you need to know how to think. That reminds me of a song.”
In yet another strange coincidence, this song’s melody sounded almost exactly the same as “If I Only Had A Brain” from The Wizard of Oz.
“If you think that you are correct,
then maybe get your facts checked
to speak in your defense.
Then you could have all the knowledge,
things they’d teach you of in college
if you only had some sense.
You will get a better result
if you don’t make childish insults;
just make good arguments.
You could be so persuasive,
not stupid or evasive,
if you only had some sense.”
Twilight finished singing and Fred Phelps’ jaw dropped a full seven inches. Don’t ask how, maybe it was magic. Or cartoon physics, even though this is written word.
Anyway, Phelps replied, “Now wait just a minute, unicorn! I have plenty of sense. I’ll have you know I am an attorney, and I have a law degree!”
Twilight responded, “Ah, so you’re a lawyer, then! You ought to know better. Would a jury ever take ‘I just know I’m right’ as an answer?”
“No, but that’s why we use Scripture to defend our position.”
“Wrong. You use your own interpretation of Scripture to defend your position. Are there others in your world who interpret it differently? Those who say that it’s okay to be homosexual, or a ‘fag’ as you call them?”
“Yes,” he answered, “But they’re wrong.”
“UGGGH!” Twilight face-hoofed at the endless circular logic from the Pastor. Maybe, someday, she would get him to use some sense. But for now, she just kept on walking.
*****
About ten minutes later, the three humans and one pony passed by none other than Bon Bon and Lyra walking past them on the other side of the road, holding hooves.
“FAGGOTS! Fags doom nations!” yelled Shirley Phelps at them. Thankfully for the two ponies, she did not use her super-screech, otherwise they could have been deafened for life.
“How rude! Did you ever stop and think how that makes US feel?” Bon Bon asked.
“Um… no,” Shirley replied.
“You really ought to learn some kindness,” said Lyra, completely ignoring the fact that she was looking at a being with hands, her fixation on this particular part of human anatomy being overwhelmed by the insult she had just received.
“You know, you should stop being so cruel. Come on, Lyra, get out your harp and let’s show ‘em!” Bon Bon said. Lyra obliged, pulled out a harp and started strumming with her magic. Bon Bon sang,
“When you see some ponies passing,
You ought to have compassion
And yet you tear apart.
You always are presumin’,
and other’s lives you ruin.
If you only had a heart.
You would smile; you’d be gracious;
You wouldn’t be so vicious,
Or tear their lives apart
You’d be friends with the gay men
and the lesbians and straight, then
If you only had a heart.”
The two finished singing, and Twilight Sparkle clapped for them.
“Good job! I like the twist that you put on my earlier song that you would have had no way of knowing the melody to since you weren’t there,” said Twilight Sparkle.
“Thanks,” said Bon Bon, blushing.
“Now hold on a minute. I DO have a heart; my yelling at you is actually the ultimate act of love. I am trying to save you from your sin so that your souls won’t burn in the fires of hell!” Shirley explained.
“So what you’re saying is that Hell is filled with ponies like Bon Bon and I, and Heaven is filled with ponies like you?” Lyra asked.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying,” replied Shirley.
“Well, hey, maybe Hell isn’t such a bad place after all,” said Bon Bon. She and Lyra laughed and they continued along their way.
Shirley stopped, and then ran after them. “Wait! Come back! You can’t just walk away like that! You’re walking straight into Hell! HOW DARE YOU IGNORE ME AND—“ She began her banshee screech but found herself being dragged away by Twilight’s telekinesis before she could finish.
“Come on, Shirley. We don’t have all day. You can yell at lesbians when you get home,” said Twilight, dragging her along the road back towards the other two WBC members.
“Yes, I know. But we have a Princess to see. Now can I let you go, or will I have to float you all the way to Canterlot? Because I will if I have to,” said Twilight.
“Wait, can you float ME all the way to Canterlot? My pelvis and legs are killing me!” Jack Wu asked.
“No.”
“Can I at least ride on your back? I mean, since you’re a horse and all?”
“No.”
“Aww, man!”
Shirley agreed not to misbehave, Twilight set her back down and the four continued their trek.
*****
After another ten minutes of walking, the four passed yet another in the road. Except, he wasn’t a pony, he was a minotaur named Iron Will.
“Why, hello. Salutations. If I might ask, just who are you three strange creatures?” Iron Will asked them, smiling.
“We’re humans. Why do you ask, devil? Go back to the fires of hell!” Fred Phelps said to the smiling, two-horned minotaur wearing a tie, a creature which maybe a three-year old would also mistake for the devil.
“Fred, this man just kindly said ‘salutations’ to us, and he’s wearing a tie. I don’t think he’s a demon, he’s probably some other creature with horns,” said Jack Wu.
“Quiet, Jack!” Shirley said to Jack. “Begone, Devil! You had best not stand in our way or I will let loose the chorus of my angelic voice to banish you back to the underworld!”
“But he’s not even in our way—“
“Shut UP, Jack. I will throw my hat at you, vile demon! Be warned, my hat when thrown by my hand has Samson-like strength!” Fred added.
“Hold on a moment. Jack, is it?” the minotaur asked, walking towards Jack Wu. He looked down at the short, quaking, bespectacled man and extended a hand towards him.
“Um, yes,” Jack said, shaking the minotaur’s hand hesitantly.
“I’m Iron Will. Pleased to meet YOU, at least,” he said.
“That’s it!” Fred Phelps took his hat off of his head and threw it at the minotaur. However, it simply bounced off of Iron Will’s rock-hard abs and rebounded towards Fred Phelps, hitting him square in the gut.
“Oooof! Wha… why… no… No one’s ever been strong enough to resist my hat before!” Fred Phelps said, after the wind had been knocked out of him by his own hat.
“Don’t worry Fred, I’ll avenge you! AAAAAEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIII!” Shirely screamed directly towards Iron Will.
“This is getting old,” said Iron Will. He walked over to Shirley, took off his tie, and jammed it down her stupid bitch throat.
“Mmmph! MMMMPH!” she exclaimed, trying desperately to scream, but to no avail.
“How… how? You’re immune to their superpowers!” Jack said in awe.
“Yep. We minotaurs are as strong as Iron! Hence my name. So that hat was no match for me. As for your friend’s scream: hearing protection.” He pointed towards his ears, which had comically-large cork earplugs in them.
“I do stage shows, gotta protect my ears!” Iron Will explained.
“Stage shows? Of what?” Jack asked.
“I show scared, doormat ponies how to be assertive and get what they want! And you, my friend, look like the perfect candidate for my advice. If you aren’t satisfied, you pay nothing! Now, see if I can remember the words…”
Iron Will started singing a song similar to “If I Only Had the Nerve” from the Wizard of Oz.
“You don’t need to act so furtive,
when you can be assertive
‘cause your friends both are nuts.
You don’t have to be a pansy
It’d all be fine and dandy
If you only had some guts.
Don’t worry ‘bout what they say
When you can have it your way
You don’t have to be a klutz.
You’ll be brave as a lion—”
“Don’t listen, Jack, he’s lyin’” sang Fred.
“If you listen, you’ll be cryin’” sang Shirley, who had just pulled the tie out of her trachea.
“Iron Will is right, you need to just stand up,” sang Twilight.
“Yeah, but what if Fred throws his hat at me, or Shirley makes me go deaf? How can I stand up to that?” Jack asked despondently.
“You can’t stand up to it,” said Shirley.
“Exactly,” added Fred, “You don’t have any superpowers like we do!”
“Well, I DO,” said Twilight, “And if you lay a hand on Jack for anything that Iron Will did, then I’ll get back at you FOR him.”
(Yeah, I know Twilight doesn’t have “super-powers” and it’s just “magic,” but name one superpower-like thing that she CAN’T do. Seriously. One thing. You can’t, because she’s like Green Lantern on crack.)
“Eh. You win this round, Jack. Or rather, your demon friend and your witchcraft-using unicorn won it FOR you. Faggot wimp,” Fred said, spitting in Jack’s face.
“Yeah. When we get back to Kansas, you’re toast,” said Shirley, farting in Jack’s general direction.
“Just remember, Jack,” said Iron Will, “You have more power than you think you do. I’ll leave you with my final pithy piece of rhyming advice: You will find your true power will arise in your darkest hour.”
With that, Iron Will walked down the cobblestone road. The one pony and three humans continued their trek towards Canterlot until finally, they arrived just outside of the gates.
“We’re here!” said Twilight, “Now let’s go in and see the Princess!”
The four friends walked through Canterlot’s gate and towards the palace. On their way, they saw many rich ponies wearing tophats and monocles and smoking fat cigars that they couldn't depict in the show because it's a kids' show.
Upon seeing the three newcomers, the townsponies started to sing in a manner reminiscent of the song “Merry Old Land of Oz” from guess what movie.
“We’re so rich,
We’re so grand,
We’ve sure got a lot
That’s how we compliment ourselves
In the city of Canterlot!
We get up at twelve and eat some caviar
Get on our yachts, and sail to our wine bars
So rich we are!
Winston’s here,
Peeves is there
Alfred serves tea so hot
Our butlers serve our every whim
In the city of Canterlot!
We’ve got money left over to wipe our flanks
And we made the government bail-out our banks
Too big to fail!
We’re so rich,
We’re so grand,
We’ve sure got a lot
That’s how we compliment ourselves
In the city of Canterlot!”
Jack Wu, Fred Phelps and Shirley Phelps-Roper looked over at Twilight Sparkle with bewildered looks on their faces.
“Did they plan to sing this when we got here?” asked Jack Wu.
“No,” replied Twilight Sparkle, “They always do that.”
“I’d say something anti-Semitic right now since they mentioned being bankers, but I don’t think you’d get it,” Fred said to Twilight.
Twilight Sparkle and company continued on to the Princess’ castle; the group ascended the steps and knocked on the door to her throne room. They eagerly awaited for her guards to open the door so they could have an audience with her.
NEXT TIME ON Westboro In Equestria… WILL the WBC get back to Earth? WILL Fred Phelps get some sense? WILL Shirley Phelps-Roper get a heart? WILL Jack Wu get the guts to stand up for himself? and WILL Twilight finally have these hairless monkeys off her back? Tune in next time for the stunning conclusion!
Two white Pegasus guards opened the door to Princess Celestia’s throne room. The four travelers entered into the room.
“WHO DARES ENTER THE THRONE ROOM OF PRINCESS CELESTIA!?” a thunderous voice boomed out at them.
They could not see Princess Celestia’s throne, for it was obscured by a thick red curtain. Smoke and fire rose up ominously from around the curtain.
“Oh, it’s just me, Twilight Sparkle. I’ve brought some people here to see you,” Twilight Sparkle said.
“OH, TWILIGHT!” The curtain rose and Princess Luna walked out from behind it.
“Is… is this Princess Celestia?” Jack Wu asked.
“No, we are Princess Luna, her sister!”
“Why are you hiding behind a giant curtain?” asked Fred Phelps.
“Why? It is tradition to use the Royal Canterlot Voice and stand behind the Royal Canterlot Curtain when addressing our subjects inside of our throne room!” Princess Luna responded.
“Yeah, well, it’s not the tradition anymore,” said Twilight Sparkle.
“Since when?” Luna asked, bewildered, “We were not informed of this change!”
“Since about a year before you got back from the moon,” Twilight Sparkle answered.
The three humans and Princess Luna looked at her incredulously.
“Yeah, I remember one time, Princess Celestia let me stand behind the curtain and do the voice. It was so fun! But she put a stop to it after she found out that it was hard to conduct royal business when nopony can see your face, and you can’t see theirs,” Twilight Sparkle said.
“Also, the yelling was seen as an act of aggression by some of the foreign diplomats. I have no idea why,” she added.
“Where is your sister, Princess Celestia? We request an audience with her immediately!” Fred Phelps addressed the Princess without due respect.
“Our sister is not in at the moment, can we take a message?” Princess Luna asked.
“Yes. My name is Fred Phelps, and I demand that you send us back to Earth at once!” he said. The others nodded their heads.
Princess Luna did not respond for about a minute. Finally, she said, “Dost thou need more time?”
“What? No. No.”
“Thou art pleased with the message that thou hast left?”
“Yes.”
“I shall give it to her then. Thank you, and good bye.”
“Wait a minute,” Fred Phelps said, “Where is the Princess? This is urgent business we need to see her about!”
“Wouldst thou leave another message?” she asked.
“No! We need to see her RIGHT NOW!” Shirley Phelps yelled.
“I don’t know what’s worse, the Royal Canterlot Voice or… that,” Twilight Sparkle said to no one in particular.
“Princess Celestia is off attending to some important royal business.”
“How much longer will she be out?” Fred asked.
“I’m back now.” The four travelers and Princess Luna turned behind themselves to see the towering, white form of the Princess walking into the room.
“So you are the three that I have heard so much about,” said Princess Celestia to the three travelers.
“Yes. We are from Earth and we need to get back,” Fred Phelps responded.
“Uh, your highness,” he added.
“Earth? The land of the humans? Ah, the Silent Planet,” Princess Celestia responded.
“I KNEW IT!” Jack Wu exclaimed. The others looked at him with a scowl and he shrunk back.
Princess Celestia said, “Yes, well. Here in Equestria, we have two-way portals to every place in the universe—“
“Hooray!” The four of them yelled.
“—with the exception of Earth.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Shirley Phelps yelled, breaking all of the stained glass in the room, but thankfully nobody’s eardrums.
Princess Celestia, regaining her composure from the noise, responded, “Well, yes. You see, years ago, there was a great weapon developed on the planet earth. A weapon with the potential to destroy everything in its path, indiscriminate in its destruction, bringing death to millions—”
“Oh, you mean fags?” Fred Phelps asked.
“—No, nuclear weapons,” Princess Celestia said with a sigh. Groaning, she asked,”Twilight Sparkle, how in Equestria do you put up with these people?”
“Barely,” Twilight responded.
“Anyway, since the development of the atom bomb, I destroyed the portal to earth in fear that a nuclear war would break out, and radiation would seep through the portal into Equestria, contaminating every living thing.”
“Can’t you just rebuild it?” asked Twilight Sparkle.
“Well, I would, but there is one piece of the portal which I cannot re-build it without. I need the horn of a Changeling.”
“Okay, no problem. My friends and I defeated hundreds of changelings back during the royal wedding when they invaded Canterlot,” Twilight Sparkle gloated.
“No, I need the horn of a particular changeling: the Changeling Queen,” the Princess clarified.
“But… doesn’t that mean that we’d have to kill her?” Twilight Sparkle asked.
“Well, obviously,” the Princess replied, “Come on. I would expect my favorite student to figure that out for herself!”
“Alright, we’ll just wait here while you go and get it,” Fred Phelps said.
The Princess looked down at him with a glaring eye.
“Sorry about him, Princess. We’ll be back soon,” Twilight Sparkle said.
*****
The three humans and one pony walked along the dirt road towards the Changeling Kingdom. The wind blew dust and dirt and stuff at them as they finally saw the sign indicating the border between the two lands: “Welcome to the Changeling Kingdom: The Darkened Lands. Please, do not bring fruit in or out without getting it checked at customs.”
Twilight Sparkle hesitantly stepped beyond the long sign, across the border. After a few seconds, she called out to the others, “Okay, guys, it’s safe! Come on over!”
The three of them crossed the border.
“That’s it? I would’ve expected more security or something,” said Shirley.
“Me too. I’m surprised nothing has happened to us yet,” said Twilight Sparkle.
“Yeah, about that,” said Jack Wu. The rest of the group looked around as they found themselves suddenly surrounded by Changeling guards.
“It’s okay, I’ve got this,” said Twilight Sparkle. She fired off several beams of magical energy from her horn, hitting the changelings.
“AAAAAAEEEEEEIIIIIII!” Shirley screamed at a group of them as their swiss-cheese bodies simply exploded from the noise.
“Take that, you devils!” said Fred Phelps as he threw his hat in a boomerang-like manner, killing several changelings in a single swoop with the hat’s razor-sharp brim.
“Uh, yeah, go get ‘em, you guys!” said Jack Wu, cowering in between the three super-powered individuals.
They continued to stave off the changeling hordes for a few minutes, but soon they were overwhelmed as a few changeling drones snuck up behind them and covered their feet with that green mucus stuff, and it held them to the ground.
“We’re trapped!” Twilight explained, trying to zap the mucus away with her magic, to no avail. Soon, some changeling drones arrived and shackled the three humans in handcuffs (don’t ask me where they got handcuffs in a world where almost no one has hands) and shackled Twilight Sparkle in hoofcuffs. The drones then carried the four off to the Changeling Queen’s castle.
*****
“So, Twilight Sparkle and three hairless ponies with hands instead of hooves have come and killed my drones!” the Queen barked at the four who had been placed in cages inside of the Changeling Queen’s castle dungeon.
“We’re humans, not ponies,” said Fred Phelps, “and if I could get my hands on my hat right now, you’d be dead, vile demon!” he wrestled to break his hands free of the cuffs, but to no avail.
“MMMMPH!” Yelled Shirley, who the Changelings had placed a gag on.
“If I could use my magic right now, you would be sorry!” said Twilight Sparkle, futilely firing beams at the bars of the cages, which were magic-proof and simply reflected the beams back.
“Yeah, I have powers too! And they’re the most dangerous powers of any of us, so you’d better let us all go, or I’ll use them!” said Jack Wu.
“Shut up, Jack, you don’t have superpowers,” said Fred Phelps.
“Yes, but SHE doesn’t know that!” Jack said.
“Well, I do now,” the Queen snickered, “You really don’t have much sense, do you, Hat Man?”
“Tell me about it,” Twilight groaned.
“Anyway, as punishment for your transgressions, I shall suck all the love out of you to feed my drones!” the Queen said.
“Yeah, about that…” Twilight started, but the queen paid her no mind.
The queen brought her horn through the bars of Fred Phelps’ cage. She touched her horn to Fred’s forehead and it began to glow, but then sparked and fizzled out.
“That’s odd. There’s absolutely no love here for me to siphon,” she said. She repeated the process with Shirley.
“Wow. Not only is there no love inside of you, I feel drained MYSELF from touching you. You are literally a black hole of love. Ah, maybe this short one with the spectacles will have some love to siphon.”
Jack gulped. Though he was a prominent member of a hateful church, he had a sinking feeling that he still had more love inside of him than either of the Phelpses.
The queen brought her horn down onto Jack’s forehead.
“Ah, yes. There’s something here. It’s not a whole lot, but it will do. Now I will start siphoning!” the Changeling Queen said as her horn began to glow.
Suddenly, as the Queen’s horn touched his forehead, Jack’s entire body burst into flames.
“AAAAAHHH!” The queen exclaimed as her hair caught fire and her coat caught fire as well. “Get me some water!” The changeling ponies looked around, but there was no water to be found.
“I’m BURNING! I’m BURNING!” she screamed as the fire ate through to her bones and she fell to the ground, nothing more than a skeleton. Her changeling minions, upon seeing this, fled in terror.
“Hey, I DO have superpowers!” Jack Wu exclaimed, no longer alight. “I can create and extinguish fire at will! I’m like the Human Torch!”
“Big deal, I can do that, too,” said Twilight as she magically lit her body on fire to demonstrate. Jack Wu glared at her.
“Uh, I mean, congratulations, Jack!” Twilight said sheepishly.
“Thanks, Twilight,” Jack responded, chuckling. He set the bars of his cage alight. They burned and he walked out, setting fire to the bars of the others’ cages, setting them free.
“That’s great, Jack!” Fred Phelps responded, “Now when we go to protests and we tell those fags that they’ll burn in hell, you can give them a taste of what it will be like if they don’t repent!”
“You know what…” said Jack, “No. I’m quitting the church. You’re just a bunch of idiotic, heartless losers.”
“HOW DARE YO—“ Shirley Phelps began, but Jack snapped his fingers and a small flame appeared on them. Shirley got the message and quieted.
“You’d better not leave the church, Jack,” said Fred Phelps, “or I’ll throw my hat at you!”
“And then I’ll just set it on fire,” said Jack.
“Well you! Um… Okay. I guess you can leave if you want to,” Phelps conceded.
“Hooray! You’ve finally got the guts!” Twilight exclaimed.
Fred Phelps walked over to the Changeling Queen’s body, took his hat in his hand, and with one swoop of his hat, chopped the horn off.
“Now we can get back to earth, right?” he asked.
“Yep,” Twilight responded, “But first, we have a long walk to go back to Canterlot.”
Jack Wu said, “The Human Torch can fly by putting fire under his shoes. I wonder…” he lit his feet on fire as he floated into the air.
“This kicks SO much ass!” he said as he sailed around, “See you guys back in Canterlot!”
“Big deal. I can fly too, you know,” said Twilight Sparkle.
“But, you’re a unicorn. Or are you a winged unicorn like the princess?” asked Fred Phelps about the detail that I never bothered to reveal in the story up until this point.
“Yes, actually, I am an alicorn,” Schrödinger’s alicorn responded.
NOTE: Yes, I did refer to her as a “unicorn” earlier in the story, but guess what? The Princesses themselves are called “unicorns” in the first ten seconds of the very first episode of the show. So there.
“Well then, why didn’t you fly us all to CANTERLOT? Or HERE!?” said Phelps, visibly frustrated.
“What, carry three people? No thanks, that’s too heavy,” Twilight said.
And with that, they all walked back to Canterlot. Including Jack, who crashed into a castle spire shortly after taking off, was knocked unconscious and had to be carried back to Canterlot for medical attention.
*****
“So, we have brought you the horn of the Changeling Queen,” said Fred Phelps, setting the horn down in front of the Princess’ throne.
“Excellent,” she responded, “Now I can teleport you home.”
“Wait… teleport? I thought you said that there was a portal,” Phelps said.
“What? No! I just wanted to take a shot in the dark and see if you’d go kill the greatest enemy of Equestria. And you did! So now, I can send you home,” Celestia said, smirking.
“I feel so cheated,” said Shirley.
“Listen, we’re not your errand boys!” said Fred Phelps.
“Actually, you kind of are,” the Princess snickered. For a split second, a trollface appeared where her former face once was (brought to you by 4chan.org).
“You first, Jack,” the Princess said.
“See you back in Kansas!” Jack said as the Princess’ horn lit up and he disappeared in a flash of light.
“Alright, who’s next?”
“Me, I suppose,” said Shirley Phelps.
“It’s too bad that you didn’t get a heart,” Twilight Sparkle said.
“Ah, but DID you get a heart? I think that you’ve had a heart all along,” the Princess said.
“Yeah, no. The Changeling Queen couldn’t siphon any love from her. Pretty sure that she’s heartless,” said Twilight Sparkle.
“Ah, well,” the Princess said, and with a flash of light, Shirley Phelp’s black void of a soul was back in Kansas.
“So, Fred. Did you get some sense?” the Princess asked.
“What do you mean? I’ve always been very smart. I actually don’t even believe anything that my church preaches. I’m just in it for the money.”
The two alicorns’ mouths dropped open.
“Well, duh! I’m a lawyer; my whole family is lawyers, actually. All that picketing at funerals and gay pride parades is just to get people to physically assault us so that we can sue them. Shirley and Jack believe it all, and so do all of my other churchgoers, but not me. I’ve just never had the nerve to tell them that it’s all a big scam. I just can’t stand the thought of breaking their hearts.”
The ponies continued to stand in silence. Finally, the princess’ horn lit up and with a flash of light Fred Phelps disappeared.
*****
Fred Phelps’ eyes opened as he jolted up in his bed.
“What a strange dream!” he said, rubbing his eyes and placing his feet on the ground. He got his signature cowboy hat from his hat-rack, and put it on his head.
“Ah well, time to go picket!” he said, either sincerely or insincerely. Meanwhile, on his bedside table, a small top spun around and around and around. Did it fall? Well, actually—
The birds were chirping and the roosters were crowing as Celestia's God's sun rose over the rolling plains and trailer parks of Topeka, Kansas. Other than the occasional strong gust of wind blowing the exhaust fumes from meth labs, it was a beautiful day. And the day was made all the more glorious by the wonderful news which the city had received.
The residents of the city were abuzz, all the way from Washburn University to Gage Park, from Brown to the Board of Education. For today, they had received word that Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church, had finally bit the dust.
At first, they didn't believe it. They thought that this was too good to be true, like when Google had decided to locate their new data center to the city but pulled out at the last minute, or when domestic violence was legalized because the city couldn't afford enough police. But no, it really was true, because the news said so. (Brought to you by cnn.com)
The gays, fearful to go outside in public since the day that Phelps had first set up his church, slowly emerged from their homes, poking their heads out of their doors one by one.
"Is it safe?" said one.
"I think so," said another.
Slowly but surely, the gay residents of Topeka trickled into the streets. After they didn't find themselves being harassed by a certain cowboy-behatted pastor and his brainwashed ilk, they began to celebrate.
They waved rainbow flags and pranced and danced around in the streets, doing cartwheels and singing a merry song.
"Ding Dong! Fred Phelps is dead. Which old Fred? The pastor Fred! Ding Dong! The Wicked Fred is dead. He's gone where he thinks homos go, below, below, below!"
The pride parade procession worked its way around the block until finally reaching the front door of Westboro Baptist Church.
Shirley Phelps-Roper sat up from reading the Bible. She had just been trying to work out through context clues what the word "thither" meant, but her thoughts were disturbed by a merry, jolly, one could almost say... gay celebration outside the church.
She glanced out the window to see the crowd of homosexuals celebrating the death of her father. But, little did they know, the church had kicked out Fred Phelps himself after he had revealed that he didn't really hate fags at all, but rather he was simply a greedy lawyer in there to make a few quick bucks.
But in her pride and arrogance, Shirley walked out to speak to the gays.
"Here to repent for your sins, eh? Ah, I see that our protesting has finally done its work. Now please, come in, and you can beg forgiveness."
"No, being gay isn't a choice!" one of them cried. "We're here to picket Fred Phelp's funeral, just like he used to do to everyone else!"
"Karmic justice!" another one proclaimed.
Shirley Phelps chuckled. "Oh, you didn't know? He's been excommunicated from the church. We actually planned on picketing his funeral ourselves."
The gays all blinked, not knowing what to make of this ironic twist of fate.
But then, Phelps shook her head. "Alas, though. He's being cremated."
Somewhere in the depths of tartarus hell, Fred Phelps let out a chuckle.
