• Published 27th May 2013
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Westboro in Equestria - CartsBeforeHorses



After a magic tornado, three Westboro Baptist Church members aren't in Kansas anymore. With Twilight to guide them, they must get to Canterlot to find a way back, and hopefully learn some valuable lessons about friendship along the way.

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There's No Place Like Home

Two white Pegasus guards opened the door to Princess Celestia’s throne room. The four travelers entered into the room.

“WHO DARES ENTER THE THRONE ROOM OF PRINCESS CELESTIA!?” a thunderous voice boomed out at them.

They could not see Princess Celestia’s throne, for it was obscured by a thick red curtain. Smoke and fire rose up ominously from around the curtain.

“Oh, it’s just me, Twilight Sparkle. I’ve brought some people here to see you,” Twilight Sparkle said.

“OH, TWILIGHT!” The curtain rose and Princess Luna walked out from behind it.

“Is… is this Princess Celestia?” Jack Wu asked.

“No, we are Princess Luna, her sister!”

“Why are you hiding behind a giant curtain?” asked Fred Phelps.

“Why? It is tradition to use the Royal Canterlot Voice and stand behind the Royal Canterlot Curtain when addressing our subjects inside of our throne room!” Princess Luna responded.

“Yeah, well, it’s not the tradition anymore,” said Twilight Sparkle.

“Since when?” Luna asked, bewildered, “We were not informed of this change!”

“Since about a year before you got back from the moon,” Twilight Sparkle answered.

The three humans and Princess Luna looked at her incredulously.

“Yeah, I remember one time, Princess Celestia let me stand behind the curtain and do the voice. It was so fun! But she put a stop to it after she found out that it was hard to conduct royal business when nopony can see your face, and you can’t see theirs,” Twilight Sparkle said.

“Also, the yelling was seen as an act of aggression by some of the foreign diplomats. I have no idea why,” she added.

“Where is your sister, Princess Celestia? We request an audience with her immediately!” Fred Phelps addressed the Princess without due respect.

“Our sister is not in at the moment, can we take a message?” Princess Luna asked.

“Yes. My name is Fred Phelps, and I demand that you send us back to Earth at once!” he said. The others nodded their heads.

Princess Luna did not respond for about a minute. Finally, she said, “Dost thou need more time?”

“What? No. No.”

“Thou art pleased with the message that thou hast left?”

“Yes.”

“I shall give it to her then. Thank you, and good bye.”

“Wait a minute,” Fred Phelps said, “Where is the Princess? This is urgent business we need to see her about!”

“Wouldst thou leave another message?” she asked.

“No! We need to see her RIGHT NOW!” Shirley Phelps yelled.

“I don’t know what’s worse, the Royal Canterlot Voice or… that,” Twilight Sparkle said to no one in particular.

“Princess Celestia is off attending to some important royal business.”

“How much longer will she be out?” Fred asked.

“I’m back now.” The four travelers and Princess Luna turned behind themselves to see the towering, white form of the Princess walking into the room.

“So you are the three that I have heard so much about,” said Princess Celestia to the three travelers.

“Yes. We are from Earth and we need to get back,” Fred Phelps responded.

“Uh, your highness,” he added.

“Earth? The land of the humans? Ah, the Silent Planet,” Princess Celestia responded.

“I KNEW IT!” Jack Wu exclaimed. The others looked at him with a scowl and he shrunk back.

Princess Celestia said, “Yes, well. Here in Equestria, we have two-way portals to every place in the universe—“

“Hooray!” The four of them yelled.

“—with the exception of Earth.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Shirley Phelps yelled, breaking all of the stained glass in the room, but thankfully nobody’s eardrums.

Princess Celestia, regaining her composure from the noise, responded, “Well, yes. You see, years ago, there was a great weapon developed on the planet earth. A weapon with the potential to destroy everything in its path, indiscriminate in its destruction, bringing death to millions—”

“Oh, you mean fags?” Fred Phelps asked.

“—No, nuclear weapons,” Princess Celestia said with a sigh. Groaning, she asked,”Twilight Sparkle, how in Equestria do you put up with these people?”

“Barely,” Twilight responded.

“Anyway, since the development of the atom bomb, I destroyed the portal to earth in fear that a nuclear war would break out, and radiation would seep through the portal into Equestria, contaminating every living thing.”

“Can’t you just rebuild it?” asked Twilight Sparkle.

“Well, I would, but there is one piece of the portal which I cannot re-build it without. I need the horn of a Changeling.”

“Okay, no problem. My friends and I defeated hundreds of changelings back during the royal wedding when they invaded Canterlot,” Twilight Sparkle gloated.

“No, I need the horn of a particular changeling: the Changeling Queen,” the Princess clarified.

“But… doesn’t that mean that we’d have to kill her?” Twilight Sparkle asked.

“Well, obviously,” the Princess replied, “Come on. I would expect my favorite student to figure that out for herself!”

“Alright, we’ll just wait here while you go and get it,” Fred Phelps said.

The Princess looked down at him with a glaring eye.

“Sorry about him, Princess. We’ll be back soon,” Twilight Sparkle said.

*****

The three humans and one pony walked along the dirt road towards the Changeling Kingdom. The wind blew dust and dirt and stuff at them as they finally saw the sign indicating the border between the two lands: “Welcome to the Changeling Kingdom: The Darkened Lands. Please, do not bring fruit in or out without getting it checked at customs.”

Twilight Sparkle hesitantly stepped beyond the long sign, across the border. After a few seconds, she called out to the others, “Okay, guys, it’s safe! Come on over!”

The three of them crossed the border.

“That’s it? I would’ve expected more security or something,” said Shirley.

“Me too. I’m surprised nothing has happened to us yet,” said Twilight Sparkle.

“Yeah, about that,” said Jack Wu. The rest of the group looked around as they found themselves suddenly surrounded by Changeling guards.

“It’s okay, I’ve got this,” said Twilight Sparkle. She fired off several beams of magical energy from her horn, hitting the changelings.

“AAAAAAEEEEEEIIIIIII!” Shirley screamed at a group of them as their swiss-cheese bodies simply exploded from the noise.

“Take that, you devils!” said Fred Phelps as he threw his hat in a boomerang-like manner, killing several changelings in a single swoop with the hat’s razor-sharp brim.

“Uh, yeah, go get ‘em, you guys!” said Jack Wu, cowering in between the three super-powered individuals.

They continued to stave off the changeling hordes for a few minutes, but soon they were overwhelmed as a few changeling drones snuck up behind them and covered their feet with that green mucus stuff, and it held them to the ground.

“We’re trapped!” Twilight explained, trying to zap the mucus away with her magic, to no avail. Soon, some changeling drones arrived and shackled the three humans in handcuffs (don’t ask me where they got handcuffs in a world where almost no one has hands) and shackled Twilight Sparkle in hoofcuffs. The drones then carried the four off to the Changeling Queen’s castle.

*****

“So, Twilight Sparkle and three hairless ponies with hands instead of hooves have come and killed my drones!” the Queen barked at the four who had been placed in cages inside of the Changeling Queen’s castle dungeon.

“We’re humans, not ponies,” said Fred Phelps, “and if I could get my hands on my hat right now, you’d be dead, vile demon!” he wrestled to break his hands free of the cuffs, but to no avail.

“MMMMPH!” Yelled Shirley, who the Changelings had placed a gag on.

“If I could use my magic right now, you would be sorry!” said Twilight Sparkle, futilely firing beams at the bars of the cages, which were magic-proof and simply reflected the beams back.

“Yeah, I have powers too! And they’re the most dangerous powers of any of us, so you’d better let us all go, or I’ll use them!” said Jack Wu.

“Shut up, Jack, you don’t have superpowers,” said Fred Phelps.

“Yes, but SHE doesn’t know that!” Jack said.

“Well, I do now,” the Queen snickered, “You really don’t have much sense, do you, Hat Man?”

“Tell me about it,” Twilight groaned.

“Anyway, as punishment for your transgressions, I shall suck all the love out of you to feed my drones!” the Queen said.

“Yeah, about that…” Twilight started, but the queen paid her no mind.

The queen brought her horn through the bars of Fred Phelps’ cage. She touched her horn to Fred’s forehead and it began to glow, but then sparked and fizzled out.

“That’s odd. There’s absolutely no love here for me to siphon,” she said. She repeated the process with Shirley.

“Wow. Not only is there no love inside of you, I feel drained MYSELF from touching you. You are literally a black hole of love. Ah, maybe this short one with the spectacles will have some love to siphon.”

Jack gulped. Though he was a prominent member of a hateful church, he had a sinking feeling that he still had more love inside of him than either of the Phelpses.

The queen brought her horn down onto Jack’s forehead.

“Ah, yes. There’s something here. It’s not a whole lot, but it will do. Now I will start siphoning!” the Changeling Queen said as her horn began to glow.

Suddenly, as the Queen’s horn touched his forehead, Jack’s entire body burst into flames.

“AAAAAHHH!” The queen exclaimed as her hair caught fire and her coat caught fire as well. “Get me some water!” The changeling ponies looked around, but there was no water to be found.

“I’m BURNING! I’m BURNING!” she screamed as the fire ate through to her bones and she fell to the ground, nothing more than a skeleton. Her changeling minions, upon seeing this, fled in terror.

“Hey, I DO have superpowers!” Jack Wu exclaimed, no longer alight. “I can create and extinguish fire at will! I’m like the Human Torch!”

“Big deal, I can do that, too,” said Twilight as she magically lit her body on fire to demonstrate. Jack Wu glared at her.

“Uh, I mean, congratulations, Jack!” Twilight said sheepishly.

“Thanks, Twilight,” Jack responded, chuckling. He set the bars of his cage alight. They burned and he walked out, setting fire to the bars of the others’ cages, setting them free.

“That’s great, Jack!” Fred Phelps responded, “Now when we go to protests and we tell those fags that they’ll burn in hell, you can give them a taste of what it will be like if they don’t repent!”

“You know what…” said Jack, “No. I’m quitting the church. You’re just a bunch of idiotic, heartless losers.”

“HOW DARE YO—“ Shirley Phelps began, but Jack snapped his fingers and a small flame appeared on them. Shirley got the message and quieted.

“You’d better not leave the church, Jack,” said Fred Phelps, “or I’ll throw my hat at you!”

“And then I’ll just set it on fire,” said Jack.

“Well you! Um… Okay. I guess you can leave if you want to,” Phelps conceded.

“Hooray! You’ve finally got the guts!” Twilight exclaimed.

Fred Phelps walked over to the Changeling Queen’s body, took his hat in his hand, and with one swoop of his hat, chopped the horn off.

“Now we can get back to earth, right?” he asked.

“Yep,” Twilight responded, “But first, we have a long walk to go back to Canterlot.”

Jack Wu said, “The Human Torch can fly by putting fire under his shoes. I wonder…” he lit his feet on fire as he floated into the air.

“This kicks SO much ass!” he said as he sailed around, “See you guys back in Canterlot!”

“Big deal. I can fly too, you know,” said Twilight Sparkle.

“But, you’re a unicorn. Or are you a winged unicorn like the princess?” asked Fred Phelps about the detail that I never bothered to reveal in the story up until this point.

“Yes, actually, I am an alicorn,” Schrödinger’s alicorn responded.

NOTE: Yes, I did refer to her as a “unicorn” earlier in the story, but guess what? The Princesses themselves are called “unicorns” in the first ten seconds of the very first episode of the show. So there.

“Well then, why didn’t you fly us all to CANTERLOT? Or HERE!?” said Phelps, visibly frustrated.

“What, carry three people? No thanks, that’s too heavy,” Twilight said.

And with that, they all walked back to Canterlot. Including Jack, who crashed into a castle spire shortly after taking off, was knocked unconscious and had to be carried back to Canterlot for medical attention.

*****

“So, we have brought you the horn of the Changeling Queen,” said Fred Phelps, setting the horn down in front of the Princess’ throne.

“Excellent,” she responded, “Now I can teleport you home.”

“Wait… teleport? I thought you said that there was a portal,” Phelps said.

“What? No! I just wanted to take a shot in the dark and see if you’d go kill the greatest enemy of Equestria. And you did! So now, I can send you home,” Celestia said, smirking.

“I feel so cheated,” said Shirley.

“Listen, we’re not your errand boys!” said Fred Phelps.

“Actually, you kind of are,” the Princess snickered. For a split second, a trollface appeared where her former face once was (brought to you by 4chan.org).

“You first, Jack,” the Princess said.

“See you back in Kansas!” Jack said as the Princess’ horn lit up and he disappeared in a flash of light.

“Alright, who’s next?”

“Me, I suppose,” said Shirley Phelps.

“It’s too bad that you didn’t get a heart,” Twilight Sparkle said.

“Ah, but DID you get a heart? I think that you’ve had a heart all along,” the Princess said.

“Yeah, no. The Changeling Queen couldn’t siphon any love from her. Pretty sure that she’s heartless,” said Twilight Sparkle.

“Ah, well,” the Princess said, and with a flash of light, Shirley Phelp’s black void of a soul was back in Kansas.

“So, Fred. Did you get some sense?” the Princess asked.

“What do you mean? I’ve always been very smart. I actually don’t even believe anything that my church preaches. I’m just in it for the money.”

The two alicorns’ mouths dropped open.

“Well, duh! I’m a lawyer; my whole family is lawyers, actually. All that picketing at funerals and gay pride parades is just to get people to physically assault us so that we can sue them. Shirley and Jack believe it all, and so do all of my other churchgoers, but not me. I’ve just never had the nerve to tell them that it’s all a big scam. I just can’t stand the thought of breaking their hearts.”

The ponies continued to stand in silence. Finally, the princess’ horn lit up and with a flash of light Fred Phelps disappeared.

*****

Fred Phelps’ eyes opened as he jolted up in his bed.

“What a strange dream!” he said, rubbing his eyes and placing his feet on the ground. He got his signature cowboy hat from his hat-rack, and put it on his head.

“Ah well, time to go picket!” he said, either sincerely or insincerely. Meanwhile, on his bedside table, a small top spun around and around and around. Did it fall? Well, actually—