The Conversion Bureau: A Pint of Cherry By Da Bunnana King
A Prologue of sorts = + = + = + =
Usually when I leave the house to go for a night of drinking, the last thing on my mind is having to worry about drinking a pint of beer that was full of ponification potion. Well let alone it being the potion that turns you into the opposite gender... and a pony.
But I think I’m getting ahead of myself, let me introduce myself, I’m Daniel and I live in a world inhabited by both humans and ponies. Now that probably sounds crazy, right? Well it’s not.
About seven years ago there was this bubble thing that appeared in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. At first, most of the world thought it was some sort of super villain’s evil lair or some sort of science experiment gone wrong. Then ponies started emerging out of the bubbled and their leader horse god thing too, although she was called Princess Celestia, and at first everyone thought the end of the world had come or talking horses come to take over the Earth.
So yeah, at first there were a few riots and a lot of civil unrest, but that was pretty much expected. With the idea of doomsday on everyone’s minds they panicked and lashed out at each other to protect family, friends and anything they held dear. Although the other stuff that went on was crazy, like you would never believe it to be true even if I told you.
Turns out those ponies are actually out of a kids show called My Little Pony but it gets weirder. Apparently there was this whole fanbase that had all this stuff in it. I think it was called the Conversion Bureau or something but I don’t know. To cut a long story when they started offering conversion a whole lot of fans who called themselves “bronies” signed up for it. There was no real reason to convert, the bubble that separated Earth and Equestria didn’t didn’t really pose a threat and it wasn’t a giant wall of death as everyone speculated it to be. It was just like a wall, but it gave people a fresh start and a lot of people found that appealing.
Myself on the other hand I could care less. I had it set. I had an alright job as an architect, a nice car, an alright apartment in the city and I had a girlfriend who I was going to proposed to.
And again I’m getting ahead of myself. Lets just start this crazy story at the beginning. It happened about a year ago when I went out drinking with some of my friends after Jacob had a small windfall when he won half a million dollars in the lottery. = + = + = + =
“So,” I said as I merged in with the traffic of the freeway, “Where are we meeting up again for drinks?”
“Just park somewhere in the valley and meet up by the train station,” said Jacob over my iPhone’s speakers.
“Why can’t we drive there again?” I asked as an idiot in a sedan began tailgating me.
“Because there are never any parks there and all those horse drawn carriages ponies seem to use. Anyway, just find a park and we’ll catch the train to South Brisbane and hit up the clubs there,” he said as I heard one of my friends call out his name in the background, “Look I got to go, John’s here and I better make sure he doesn’t do something stupid.”
And with that the phone clicked off.
“Man parking’s going to be a bitch,” I moaned as I continued to drive down the highway.
I knew South Brisbane was where they had one of the larger Bureaus in the Brisbane region. Along with that a lot of Equestrians seemed to move in around there but along with them came the PER.
Well the Ponification for Earth’s Rebirth is their official name but everyone called it the PER. Anyhow, they decided to set up some sort of base so now there are random ponifiyings in that area. Luckily they’re a tiny group and are mostly harmless but still they did figure out that you can put the potion in a super soaker and in two pumps they could turn anyone into a pony.
Then there was the Human Liberation Force. Now they were some scary people. Most of the time they stayed quiet and never really did anything but when they did. Oh boy. Bureau’s being bombed, ponies being murdered and often times than not the odd pony supporting politician went missing. It wasn’t pretty and the worst part was that most of the police in Australia couldn’t do much about it. Not because they were hiding in the shadows of Australia’s underground but because no one knew anything about them.
But I don’t worry that much about them. I kept my nose clean and just stuck to the grindstone and all for one thing. It wasn’t a large thing in size but a small one, a small gold ring with three small diamonds on top.
It was an engagement ring and I was planning to give it to my soon to be fiance. I had been dating her for almost two years now and I think it was about time I proposed to her. I had it all planned out; I was going to take her to a fancy restaurant and propose to her there in front of everyone. Sounds cliche but I loved her with all my heart and I thought she loved me too.
I sigh and turn off the freeway towards the train station to meet my friends for a night of drinking and fun. = + = + = + =
“So,” Jacob said as our small group sat in the small four seats of the train, “Do you guys have any ideas which pubs to hit up first?”
“Why not that one on the main drag... Umm, The Queen’s Hotel. I hear they have good food there as well,” Max said. He was one of the newer members of our small group. I can’t remember how we met him but I think he played rugby with us when we were in final months of high school.
“Yeah, naa. How about the Bannered Mare? Hear its got all that weird and crazy drinks from Equestria,” said John. He was the last member of our small group. John, Jacob and I were longtime friends from the early years of our schooling lives. I remember we all met on the first day of year five where we, the awkward kids sat at the back of class drawing pictures all over the back of our books.
“Ehhhh, sure why not? I mean its a nice change from beer and fish n chips we usually have when we get drunk off our asses,” I said as the train slowed down to our station.
“Yeah, why not? I mean we usually go to the same pub and drink the same drink and eat the same greasy fish n chips, it gets boring. That and it’s a good change from norm,” Jacob said as we began to move towards the exit of the train.
“So I guess it’s decided, we’re heading to the Bannered Mare,” John said as we exited the relatively empty train to a bustling train station full of humans and ponies alike.
It was strange to see how much our old stomping grounds had changed. Sure the park often had drunk teenagers sleeping, passed out or just being idiots because they’ve had too much to drink. But now among them were ponies that sometimes shared the same fate as them because the most alcoholic beverage in Equestria was hard cider, so a beer to them was like a whole bottle of whiskey.
Even as we exited the station we were greeted with the neon lights of the thriving nightlife of Brisbane. Sure most of the lights were there to lure in customers but now it seemed to be a competition between everyone to have the best and retro looking neon sign. From the small pubs to even those new dress clubs, everyone had a neon sign that turned the nights sky neon blue.
“Man this place has changed,” I said as we began walking down the street as we passed crowds of ponies and humans heading to or from the clubs or the various pubs in the city.
“Not really,” Max said all of us were somewhat hypnotized by the lights, “I mean all that’s really changed are the signs and a change of dancers at some of the ‘clubs.”
“I guess so but still, dress clubs?” I questioned everyone as we passed the Naughty Nurse.
“Hey don’t knock it till you try it,” John said as I looked at him like he had just murdered a litter of puppies.
“Anyway where is this place?” I asked as we continued walking past various clubs, brothels and pubs.
“I don’t know, I guess we keep walking till we find it,” suggested Jacob as we rounded the corner to only be blinded by a very bright red and blue neon light saying ‘The Bannered Mare’.
“Well, lets go waste some money,” Said Jacob as we walked inside.
* * = + = + = + = * *
“They’ve been here for two hours and they’ve already gone through most of the cider,” said Flash as he cleaned a large wooden mug with a rag as he watched the group of somewhat drunk humans from across the bar.
"Well lets give them the ‘Equestrian special,” I said as I turned around to find the strongest brand of cider we had.
“But we don’t have enough regular potion for all of them. Should we make one with cherries?” he said as he pulled out a small wooden box that contained three vials of regular ponification potion and two vials of cherry potion.
“Sure at least we’ll be doing our jobs,” I said as I poured four large pints of cider as Flash poured out the contents of each of the potions into each mug.
“Alright you go serve them and I’ll get everything ready,” I said as I placed the four mugs on a wooden tray table for Flash to carry as I slipped away to the back rooms.
* * = + = + = + = * *
“And then I said ‘that's not a door, that’s a wall of doors!” Max shouted loudly as we all laughed at his joke.
I knew we were drunk as we had already begun laughing at Max’s terrible jokes which were usually horrific but it seems after ten rounds of cider and a few shots of this strange equestrian drink that was salty as hell, I began to wonder why everyone inside the pub were ponies and why the two pony bartenders were staring at us the entire time we were here.
“Ohhh god, that’s terrible... who's up for another four rounds?” asked John as I shrugged off the idea.
“Yeah I’m good for a few more,” I said as I somewhat slurred my words.
“Okay... Bartender can we-!” began John as a yellow pegasus with four large mugs of cider came over to us.
“Here, its the strongest stuff we’ve got but after this you gentlecolts have to leave,” he said as he placed the mugs in front of us, “Well enjoy.”
He flew away with the tray table and flew through a door that must of led to the kitchen or something. Either way I looked at my large wooden mug of cider. It looked pretty much like any hard cider I’ve seen aside from the small floating bits of apples that must of been left in to make the drink stronger but it almost seemed to have a tiny red tint to the already light gold liquid. I wrapped my large hands around the mug and I could almost swear the mug was warm and almost emanated a sort of tingly feel from it.
“Well, cheers boys,” Jacob said as he raised his mug for a toast.
“Cheers,” the rest of us said as we all bumped our mugs together.
I pulled my arm towards me and opened up my mouth as I prepared to drink the sweet smelling cider. The cold metal ring that surrounded the mug touched my lips and I began to drink the cider that slid down my throat.
I could taste the apples that were crushed to make the drink but I also tasted something else. I couldn’t put my finger on it but it almost tasted like-
“God this stuff is strong,” Said Max as he finished the whole mug, “Also has a nice grape aftertaste.”
“Yeah its not that bad,” John said as Jacob passed out next to me, making him face plant into the table.
I quickly finished my drink and lowered my mug to the ground as I began to feel light headed.
“I think Jacob’s had a bit too much,” I said as the room began spinning around me and slowly turning black.
“Daniel you don’t look sooo gooooddd-,” John said as the world slowed down and the last thing I could see was the wood of the table before my world went black. = + = + = + =
Chapter One: Why couldn’t have it been a hangover?
The Conversion Bureau: A Pint of Cherry By Da Bunnana King
Chapter One: Why couldn’t have it been a hangover? = + = + = + =
I floated aimlessly in a sea of blackness not sure which way was up or down. I wanted to spit and see which way gravity would take my lugie but I couldn’t even feel face, I mean I should since I did hit a table before I passed out... well I could... kinda. It felt flat and pressed against something then it stopped.
In some sort of explosion a lush field appeared before me. But that was just it. An open field of grass that seemed to stretch on for ages.
“Well,” I said to myself. Like something or someone was trying to speak for me but it was definitely higher pitched than my old voice, “This is odd.”
“It could be stranger,” said a voice from behind me.
“What?” I said as I snapped my head backwards to see a snake like creature sitting on a hammock made of two clouds strung between two trees. I think it was a he but it was hard to tell from the mix match of creatures he was made of but yet he laid there with a massive pair of sunglasses on and a coconut drink in his bird like claw.
“What-, what are you?” I said as my voice began to find a middle ground between the two voices.
“I’m Discord, master of chaos and misfortune upon all and to date the best shuffleboard player in Equestria,” he said as he sipped on his drink, “So do you want a drink?” He said with a wolfish grin on his face as he offered me a drink in a wooden mug.
“No thanks, I think I’ve had enough... but why I am here?” I asked as he continued to sip on his drink.
“Well someone or somepony decided to spike your drink and now you’ve ended up here,” he said as he let go of his drink and it floated there by itself.
“So I’m dead and this is some sort of personal hell?” I questioned as he sat up in his hammock.
“No quite the opposite, you my friend are very alive but sadly you aren’t going to wake up as a human. So this is where I come in,” he began cracking his knuckles, “I can help you get back the way you were before but I need you to free me.”
“Why would I do that?” I pressed.
"Well I guess you’ll see when you wake up but before you do I think you’ve got to meet Princess Sun Butt and I’ll be in touch when I need you,” he said as he waved goodbye. Then the world went black before bursting to life again as a castle built before my feet and that Princess Celestia stood in front of me.
“Oh... Hi?” I hesitantly asked as she looked down at me with a motherly love.
“So my little pony are you ready to join the herd?” she asked as she slowly unfurled her wings to protect me from the light that emanated from behind her. She almost looked like an angel, well at least a 6ft tall horse unicorn angle.
“Do I have a choice?” I asked as I was somewhat forced to bow before her, though it felt like everything was in the wrong place when I did.
“It’s quite alright my little one, most people in your predicament usually say that but I’m sure you’ll enjoy your new lease on life,” she said as she lowered her wings beating me in the warm glow of light, “Welcome to the herd.”
The light felt warm and welcoming. Like a big warm hug that wrapped itself around me and I felt at ease. I lost my self in the light and blissfully fell asleep in the warmth of it. = + = + = + =
“-re you sure you gave them all grape?” asked a voice as my head felt like it was in a vice.
I groaned in pain as I lethargically moved my arm over my eyes to shield them from the light that someone shone in my face. Though when I groaned my voice didn’t sound the same and my arm felt... well it felt like it had more bends and they were bending all in the wrong direction.
“I think she’s waking up,” another voice said as I heard clattering of hooves on the ground. It sounded like one of them bumped into some plates or metal dishes as I heard the clatter of steel. Who ever it was it had to be the people that dragged me here but I couldn’t care less about who did it but what was going to happen now.
I tried to open my eyes but they felt heavy, so I just attempted to lazily roll off whatever I was lying on and hopefully somehow formulate my escape and then to call the cops.
“Woah there girl,” said someone as I felt a hoof stop me from tipping over the side, “Lets just get you sitting up before you start trotting around.”
"I’m a guy,” I mumbled as I slowly put my hands below me and raised myself to a sitting position.
“Ummm...” someone said as I slowly opened my eyes.
The light blinded me at first but the two silhouettes of ponies blocked the entirety of the light but my eyes adjusted. In front of me were two ponies; a young yellow pegasus with a ridiculous orange mane and a large beige earth pony with a brown mane.
“Well about that,” said the young pegasus as his face turned several shades of red and had shame and embarrassment written all over it.
“Well what is it?!” I demanded as I nearly slammed my fist on the cot like bed but I caught something out of the corner of my eye, something light pink.
I slowly turned my head in horror as I began to see a large light pink feathery wing slowly leading out of my back. It was almost impossible but there it was; a light pink wing made of long thick feathers and feathery down in between the larger feathers.
“Oh god. I’m pink,” I said as my voice went squeaky and high pitched.
“Well we kinda-,” he began as he avoided eye contact and tell me the real truth.
“Kinda what?” I asked as my voice began to crack and kinda change to a feminine tone.
“Well we kinda accidentally turned you into a mare,” he blurted out quickly.
"WHAT!” I screeched as my voice changed to something completely different from my old masculine sounding voice to that of a girl.
“We can fix it,” said the other stallion as he pushed my wings down. I didn’t even notice my wings had sprung up.
“How?” I asked as I eagerly as my wings sprung up again and edged my way closer to the edge of the cot.
“Well we think we can, you just have to come with us to the bureau and we can turn you into a stallion,” he calmly said as I was almost at the point of hyperventilation and or crying.
“Are you sure,” I quickly snapped as I fell off the bed landing in a pile of my own hooves and wings.
“Yes we’re sure but I think we should teach you how to be a pony before we get you back to the right gender,” he said as he sat me up.
“Uhhhghhg,” I said as I flopped down backwards with my wings spread out, “Why couldn’t I’ve have just woken up with a hangover.” = + = + = + =
The Conversion Bureau: A Pint of Cherry By Da Bunnana King
Chapter Two: One hoof goes in front of the other~ = + = + = + =
‘Okay,’ I mentally said to myself as I uneasily stood upon all fours, ‘You can do this. Just one foo- I mean hoof in front of the other and I won’t have to hear that song ever again.'
I slowly raised my right foreleg and lowered it towards the ground. I did the same with my left hind leg. I repeated it with the other two legs and kept on doing the same movements with each leg.
“I think I got it,” I said uneasily as I wasn’t about ready to say I’ve mastered the fine art of walking on four leg.
“Seems like it,” commented the earth pony.
“Alright so what now?” I asked as I stopped in front of them both. It felt awkward standing, let alone walking on all fours but now it felt kinda natural.
“Well we can either take you to a local bureau or send you on your way to figure out how to be a pony,” said the earth pony as he looked me over quickly, “But I think the bureau is a better option in your current state.”
“Alright but what about my friends?” I asked as I began to wonder where they were.
“Ahhh, well I believe they are in the mess testing to see what hay tastes like,” he replied as we moved over to the door. It was strange, I don’t remember wanting to walk to the door but I guess thats what its like for herd animals, just go with what the group is doing to stay safe and I felt pretty safe around them. = + = + = + =
As we walked down the hall it occurred to me that I was now a four foot, pink flying talking horse. Not to mention I was the opposite gender of what I previously was as a human man. Now from my point of view I can kinda deal with this but what worried me is what my soon to be fiance would think about me being a four foot pink flying talking mare.
I could only see this going two ways,
A: she would accept me and we would still find a way for this to work as love always finds a way,
OR
B: She hits me with a rolled up newspaper and I go live in Equestria alone and sad while I spend most of my days lying on a couch eating ice cream and watching terrible day time television.
In reality it would probably play out as option B but I hoped that it would be A because I did love her.
“So,” said the orange pegasus trying to break the awkward silence, “What’s your name?”
“Huh, oh yeah it’s Daniel,” I said in that strange new voice I had. It was hard to describe how it sounded, it was just feminine but I could hear what was left of my former voice.
“So Daniel what did you do as a human?” he asked again.
“Oh I used to work as a freelance architect building custom designed houses for rich clients,” I said as I got the foot... I mean hoof work of trotting down. It wasn’t that hard it I didn’t think about it, I just had to pretend I was walking normally.
“Oh so did you ever have a client by the name of Golden Shimmer?” he coyly asked me as he winked to his yellow friend.
“Errrr... I think so,” I said as I tried to recall that name. I did remember it from somewhere but I couldn’t place my finger where, “Was she the one with scar down her left eye?”
“Yep so it looks like you have met the bureau director and our boss,” he said as he chucked amongst each other.
“So does that mean I’ll be turned into a human quicker?” I asked naively as I craved the ability to stand on two hooves- I mean legs!
“We’ll see,” he said as he pushed open a tall metal door, “But first we have to talk to her before we can start talking about getting you back to the proper gender.”
“And a human!” I interjected but they seemed to ignore what I had said.
‘Great, I’m going to be stuck as a mare for the rest of my life,’ I said to myself as I trotted into a... a lab?!
“What I don’t...” I stuttered as I looked at the stone white room with a large metal operating table in the center.
“Where is she?” asked the now cagy yellow pegasus.
“Right here,” said a dark golden pegasus mare with a single slit scar over her right eye. Strangely it was almost disguised by here straight red mane that hung over her left side of her face. It would almost be indistinguishable from her mane covering the scare but I had an eye for detail.
“Sorry Knight Commander,” said the orange stallion as he saluted with one of his forehooves.
“At ease Knight Shield,” she said saluting him back, “So is this the one you were telling me about earlier?” she said as she looked over me.
“Yes ma’am, what do we do with her?” he asked like I was some sort of child to be dealt with... well sorta but it still didn’t make it any better.
“Easy, she goes through the system as a mare and gets to Equestria where hopefully that potion will be there but before that happens I think we can take advantage of this opportunity,” she said devilishly as she looked at me with greed filled eyes.
“So miss...” she began as all eyes were focused on me. I backed up a bit only to have the cold metal door hit my rump and my ears flop down.
“Ummm... Meer,” I shyly said as I felt their stares were like laser beams shooting into me.
“So Mr Meer, it my memory serves me correctly, then you were the one that build the private grotto for myself and the people I entertain,” she said as she turned abruptly and began to pace slowly back and forth.
“Yes,” I almost squeaked out which pretty much shocked me back into my macho state I was so used to, “I mean yes.” I said this time more assertively.
“Well then, I remember you did a good job and you were paid a hefty amount. Now all I’m suggesting is if you want your meat and two veg back then I suggest you design a few more grottoes like that and I’ll see about that potion,” she said as she turned abruptly back to me, “do we have a deal?”
“Sure, if I had my hands back,” I slyly said hoping to retain my digest and make like a tree and split.
“I guess you’ll have to work with what you’ve got,” she said as she turned around, “But I think it’s time to get you into the conversion program.”
“But... but I’m already a horse,” I stuttered out as I heard a quiet groan from the pegasus beside me.
“As of now you are a newfoal in my bureau but you just skipped the human classes and are very much on a fast pass to Equestria you give us the plans,” she said in an almost maniacal voice, “Now come along we have to introduce you to the rest of everyone else in the bureau.”
“So where are my friends?” I asked as we both began to walk towards two large stainless steel metal doors but it was strange, I don’t remember wanting to walk along side her, it just happened.
“Oh they’re enjoying lunch in the cafeteria and talking amongst themselves last time I checked,” she said as she pushed open the doors.
“Also, welcome to the herd,” she said as I walked through the doors into a pretty empty cafeteria that only had a few groups of ponies and humans dining in it. Some of them looked at me walking through the door then almost all of them at once looked at me and began applauding me.
I felt embarrassed and blushed a bit as I shied away from the attention but luckily they settled down a bit but I still had a few eyes looking at me.
“So ummm where are my friends?” I asked as the small group of stallions continued to stare at me. There were three of them sitting at a table eating a pile of hay on plates. Two of them were earth ponies, one with a light brown coat and brown mane while the other had a pale blue coat and icey white mane, and the last one a orange coat and goldenrod colored mane.
“They’re all staring at your flank right now,” she chuckled as I noticed that the group of stallions weren’t staring at me but at my pink butt.
“What?!” I as I turned back to look at my own pink butt before looking back to the group, “Oi, quit staring at my butt!” I hollered at them.
“Well maybe you should stop having such a nice butt,” piped up the blue earth pony with Max’s voice.
“God dammit Max,” said the unicorn in Jacob’s voice as he slapped the back handed... or hoofed Max’s fluffy head.
“Ow,” he said as he rubbed the back of his head.
“I’ll let you four get acquainted with each other Daniel,” Shimmer said as she left our small group looking at me as my face turned a shade of cherry red.
“Oh god this is too sweet,” said Max as John nearly choked on his mouthful of hay.
“Shadup,” I said as I slumped into the seat next to John only to give him a firm pat on the back to make sure he didn’t choke to death.
“So I guess that explains why we saw a pink pegasus sleeping and mumbling in her sleep at the PER base,” said Jacob before he went down to take another mouthful of hay.
“So what are you going to tell Sarah?” pipped up John.
“Well I’m not going to lie to her that's for sure but I’m more worried about the outcome,” I said as I remembered the two ways it would play out in my head.
“Well I hope you're ready to get it out of the way,” Max said as he scratched the back of his neck with his foreleg, “Because the bureau staff informed next of kin and since I was the first awake I told them Sarah was your next of kin and well... she was on her way... and that was like four minutes ago.”
