Chasing Apples, Bells and Oranges
By: Solarip
Chapter 1: It Begins
It was almost noon in the town of Ponyville. The late morning air smelled of cakes and pastries as lunchtime was approaching. The warm and mild breeze blew across the Ponyville Schoolhouse.
The schoolhouse was almost the same as the library, only there were foals inside. As the teacher discussed her lesson, the class remained silent. Few were paying attention, while the rest were either asleep or bored. The light grey pegasus, instead of listening to what the teacher said, had left his mind to wonder around town.
There was peace in Ponyville, if you call a town of busy streets with buzzing crowds and yelling ponies as peaceful. Early morning, the town hall was in mild traffic, filled with ponies minding their own businesses. The residents had no reason to sit idly, for they had somewhere important to be.
The market, however, was carpeted with ponies walking past the stalls that were set up overnight. Most of them stopped by on a stall or two to fulfill their search on what they need. A handful of ponies' needs were satisfied, but those who weren’t moved to another and repeated the process. A few even complained about the price hike on the owners' products.
The Golden Oaks Library was a place to find silence, as it was a library and unnecessary noise was always kept to a minimum. Although only a few stopped by and actually went there, the librarian that had been residing in it didn't care. Having a few ponies reading there was just one problem concerning the residents' knowledge, but the librarian just wanted to see them happy.
Rumble, seated in the first row and closest to the window, snapped out of his reverie. He was definitely bored. With his head rested on his right hoof, he stared beyond the window and to the sky. He wanted, no, needed to fly out of his chair and simply feel free from walls and homework, but it would have to wait. He glanced at the clock situated on the other side of the room. Eleven-thirty.
He reached his left hoof out to the window, trying to touch the clouds. Only four hours left before I can show off my awesome tricks to Featherweight and Pipsqueak.
"Yes Rumble," Cheerilee called.
Rumble sprang out of his chair, causing pencils and paper to fly out and some of his classmates to wake up.
"Y-Yes Miss Cheerilee?" he nervously asked.
"Oh! I thought you were going to answer my question," she said in surprise.
"Oh yeah, but um..." he tapped his hoof on the desk.
"What's the matter?"
"Can you repeat your question?" he requested as he scratched the back of his head with a hoof.
"Why certainly," she said, cleared her throat, then continued, "If x minus y is eight, and x plus y is ten, then what is the value of y?"
"Um, one?" he answered with doubt.
"Correct!" Cheerilee gleefully yelled.
She turned to face the chalkboard and, wrote Rumble's answer.
Rumble smiled in his triumph. The fact that he answered her question seconds after hearing it gave himself a mental pat on the back. He sighed in relief and calmly sat back on his chair. He stared at the window the way he did a few moments ago. My luck saved my flank today. I guessed the answer right out of the blue and I got it! Now where was I? Oh right, the stuff to do after class.
Then something hit him, metaphorically. His eyelids grew heavy and his head slowly slid out of his hoof without him realizing it. There was nowhere else his head could go but on his desk. A loud thump was heard in the classroom, but his classmates else were too bored or too sleepy to care. With a hoof resting over his head, he snoozed off as he drooled on his wooden desk. Little did he know that three sets of eyes were watching him.
* * * *
Rumble was standing on the only cloud visible. He scanned for signs of pegasi, but it turned out that we was alone. He turned around, only to see the same thing. The wind blew from behind. Moments later, he felt something wet on his face and hooves. He tried to wipe to off, but it didn’t went away. What’s happening to me?!
A loud thunder was heard, causing him to cringe. Seconds later, he started to hear voices and murmurs of foals mixed with noises that he assumed to come from books and chairs. It surrounded with noises and sensations and made him scared beyond straight. He sat on the cloud and covered his ears but the noises never left. Well, at least the cloud seems normal to me. He buried his head inside it in a desperate attempt to muffle the creepy noises, but to no avail.
Moments later, after so much suffering which caused Rumble to be on the verge of tears, the horror faded. The wind and voices were nowhere to be felt or heard. He brought his head back up but he remained paranoid of what will happen next. He took a cautious look at the sky and saw nothing unusual, just like before. He closed his eyes and felt something on his head. He felt his mane sway, not by wind or body movement, but by nothing. He looked up, only to see nothing but the sensations were still there. He shook his head to see if it would go away, but the swaying continued.
From above, he saw a bright light. At first, he thought it was the sun, but the light grew brighter. He placed a hoof over his eyes and stared at the light. It grew brighter and brighter until it was impossible to see. He felt the cloud disappear. After that, he couldn't see, hear or feel anything else.
* * * *
He opened one eye and saw a white filly, who seemed to be caressing his mane, standing before him. His vision cleared and saw a better view of the filly. She had a horn, emerald eyes and pink cheeks. It’s Sweetie Belle. Why does she have pink cheeks? He slowly raised his head and Sweetie swiftly pulled back her hoof.
"Hey Sweetie Belle," he greeted her lazily to break the silence.
"Um, hi!" she raised a hoof and waved at him.
"How long was I out?" he asked, yawning, while scanning his surroundings.
"Um... about four and a half hours, I guess," she said and looked at her hoof as if she was looking at an imaginary watch.
"Really? Wait, why are you here alone? Where's Apple Bloom and Scootaloo?" I really thought they are inseparable.
"Well, since Bloom, Scoots and I were the last to leave. I didn't want to see you sleep here till dawn. I decided to wake you up," she explained as she drew tiny circles on the ground.
"Oh okay. Thanks," he replied before a smile appeared on his face, which faded afterwards. Should I be remembering something?
"What's wrong?" Sweetie asked.
"Have you seen Featherweight and Pipsqueak anywhere?" he asked.
"Well, they left already."
"Horse apples!" Rumble slammed a hoof to his desk. His sudden outburst startled the filly. Realizing Sweetie’s reaction, he calmed down. I don’t want to scare her, since I know she's pretty sensitive. I should probably stop doing that.
“I’m sorry I startled you like that."
“Oh, it’s alright,” she said, giving Rumble a smile.
Rumble absentmindedly grabbed his saddlebags and placed it around his back. He looked down as he walked out of the classroom with Sweetie Belle following him.
"Hey wait up!" she yelled.
"Huh?" Rumble snapped out of his empty thoughts, stopped and waited for her.
"Can I walk with you?" she asked.
Rumble turned, only to look at Sweetie's bashful smile and pleading eyes. He stared, mildly blushing at the sight.
"Um, okay."
* * * *
The two walked side-by-side across the playground. Trying to avoid eye contact, Rumble looked to his right, while Sweetie looked to her left. I've never walked with her before. I've never been this close to a filly before, but here I am, being asked to walk home with her. Okay Rumble, don't mess this up! Just talk to her. Simple, right?
His mouth opened, but Sweetie was the first to speak.
"Do you have any plans for tomorrow?" she asked.
"Well yeah, actually. Why do you ask?" Rumble replied.
"You see, the group project Miss Cheerilee gave us was meant for four members, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders will always be together, so that makes us three. We need another member, and I thought you would fit since you're really smart and all," she explained while she looked at the ground and rubbed her foreleg.
"Plus, it's a weekend and I'm home alone for the next two days since I'm staying at Carousel Boutique and my sister will be in Trottingham for a business trip," she continued with confidence, but mostly, the lack thereof.
"Oh I see. Feathers and I are supposed to be going to Cloudsdale for a Wonderbolts show...” Rumble explained, tapping a hoof on his chin.
The unicorn’s ears flopped down when she heard those words.
“...but I'll think he's busy, too. He left without me, so he must have something urgent that he needed to do. So I'm free!"
"Really?" she asked. Her ears perked up.
"Yup. I'd like to be part of the project with you girls. I don't have a group on my own, so I guess I'm lucky," he said as he scratched his cheek. I don't think I can trust Pip and Feathers this time. I'm positive they already have their own members and having to be with the Cutie Mark Crusaders is a change of pace for me. After all, I saw what they've done ever since their club was made, and I'm pretty impressed, except for that one time at the talent show.
The pair reached the town proper. He looked around and saw only a few ponies walking by. It was strange for him to see an empty street in the afternoon. Don’t tell me a new zebra came to Ponyville. The balmy wind blew, making Sweetie's mane sway with the breeze.
After a long moment of awkward silence, Sweetie Belle stopped beside a fountain. Rumble stopped after realizing his friend stopped. He turned to Sweetie, who was beaming with glee.
"Everything alright?" Rumble asked as he raised an eyebrow.
She didn't reply. Instead, she continued walking, happier than usual.
"Oh nothing," she said in a sing-song tone.
Rumble shrugged and continued walking to meet Sweetie.
"So, where are your friends?" he asked.
"You mean Apple Bloom and Scootaloo?"
"Yup."
"Well, they're probably stuffed from eating at Sugarcube Corner," she explained.
"Oh, okay," Rumble said with a smile. Seeing his heartwarming smile before her caused Sweetie to blush even more.
Sweetie looked away to regain her alabaster complexion on her face, and it worked. Rumble, who was staring at the filly before him, had been curious as to why she was acting that way. Is she mad at me or something? Maybe I did something wrong to her, that's why she's like that.
"Sweetie?" Rumble called the unicorn filly.
"Y-Yes?" she replied while avoiding eye contact.
"Are you okay?" he asked and placed a hoof on the filly's shoulder.
Instead of a response, she hid behind her mane, save for her eyes, and gave Rumble the cutest look she could. She folded her hooves and brought them as close to her chin as possible. Her emerald eyes widened and her cheeks turned pink. She did her best to cover most of her face with her mane, but it is not enough. She made the most adorable smile.
She leaned closer to Rumble. Since he couldn’t do anything, frozen by Sweetie Belle's adorableness, he just stood there. Sweetie, on the other hand, continued to slowly lean closer to him, until their muzzles were mere inches apart. They exchanged breaths unintentionally, as it couldn’t be helped. Rumble blushed even more than the time when he saw his brother and Rarity do indescribable things on the couch. His eyes widened, focused on the filly. Not even realizing, he leaned closer to her and closed his eyes. He took a second to know what happened next, but it wasn't what he expected.
He felt a slight pressure on his muzzle, making it a little bit itchy. It felt like a hoof. He opened his eyes to see what it really was, and it was a hoof on his muzzle. A hoof from none other than the filly before her, which seemed to have returned to her normal, innocent self. She put her hoof down moments later.
"What was that for?!" Rumble yelled.
"I was just messing with you," she said with a gleeful smile.
Rumble pouted. This made Sweetie giggle at the sight.
"You look cute when you do funny faces!" she squeaked between giggles.
Her giggles were contagious. Rumble joined in with Sweetie Belle in their fit of laughs and giggles.
A moment of laughter had passed and their giggles faded. They continued walking afterwards. Rumble felt Sweetie's fur brushing his coat. Too close! He moved away from her, but Sweetie reacted and went closer to him. They did this a couple times but his attempts were fruitless. Is she like this to everypony?
Sweetie Belle and Rumble now walked at the same pace. Before, the filly tried to catch up to the athletic colt’s gait. Now that she had gotten used to his pace, she can now focus on the conversation she's in.
"Hey Rumble!" she called to her friend.
He turned to Sweetie in response.
"How 'bout we go to my sister's house?" the alabaster unicorn suggested.
"What're we gonna do there?"
"Just some stuff," she said nonchalantly.
"Stuff?" he pressed on, trying to know what that meant.
"Yeah... stuff."
What does she mean by that?
Seeing as there was no use in asking further, Rumble said, "Okay then."
The pair went silent as the town glowed with an orange tint from the setting sun. Along the path Sweetie Belle and Rumble passed by was a bush. A weird bush, as it had a purple mane and a pair of binoculars sticking out of it.
I pray that this ends in RumbleBloom
The answer is clear, Rumble. Just make a herd! #LikeABawss
Mind your verb tense (this is a pet peeve of mine). Since past tense seems to be your primary verb tense, I suggest you stick to it.
2540207
Then I'll gladly do that! Thanks for the tip!
This story needs to be featured or sent to Equestria daily! And Rumble + Sweetie Belle = bucking adorable![:rainbowkiss:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowkiss.png)
![:scootangel:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/scootangel.png)
![:raritystarry:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/raritystarry.png)
2540800
I hope it does.
4.bp.blogspot.com/-IACE8kJCMMg/UFoa01ZV6ZI/AAAAAAAABos/GBGBCmER_k0/s1600/mlfw892_131715680015.png
*ahem*
Dawwwwwww
Also, Thunderlane what are you doing with Rarity?
2541103![:rainbowlaugh:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowlaugh.png)
Thunderlane: Hey! It wasn't me, it was Blossomforth!
It wasn't described, so it could be anything. Yes, ANYTHING!![:moustache:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/moustache.png)
dis gon b gud.
Fav+like, let's see how it will turn out ;]
This was quite an enjoyable story. While you have a few too many errors than you should have for a smooth read (I'd suggest getting an editor), you had quite a good writing style and the characters were well thought out, not to mention a plot that promises to be very enjoyable indeed.
2541311![:twilightsmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png)
Thanks for pointing those out! I was beginning to doubt that my story isn't good enough. I actually have an editor that I can approach to, I'll let him edit this for me later.
Very cute story!![:scootangel:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/scootangel.png)
2541494![:twilightsheepish:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsheepish.png)
So does your avatar!
Needs to end in RumbleBelle
Rumble bloom for da wiiiiiiin keep this story going my good friend!
D'aww.
Warning: This comment contains spoilers for the entire first chapter. If you don't want spoilers, DON'T read this comment!
Hello, SolarFlare. I've just read through the first chapter of "Chasing Apples, Bells and Oranges," and I'd like to comment on it. Since this is your first chapter, I'll be making observations about all of it, in the hopes that you can see what you do well and what can be improved upon. Please note that none of the criticisms in this comment are meant to insult or discourage. They are only meant to present suggestions as to how you can improve. I won't do this for any of your later chapters; beginning in chapter 2, my comments will be much more basic, saying what I like and what I don't.
With that out of the way, here we go:
Your story's name is "Chasing Apples, Bells and Oranges", but here it's "Chasing Apples, Belles and Oranges". Please pick one or the other.![:twilightsmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png)
This is your introduction to the story, and I'd like to break it down into parts:
1. "The glimmering sunlight was shining down on the busy streets of Ponyville." Given that the first scene with Rumble is him sitting in class, I don't think this is a good introduction to your story. First off, it's early morning (or eleven-thirty; the time this is taking place in is confusing), so how early does school begin in this world? Second, How would Rumble care about if it's shining down on Ponyville? I can understand if he's staring out the window, wanting to run around in the sunlight, but that's not indicated. I'll talk about this in more detail when talking about the next few paragraphs.
2. "The morning couldn’t be fresher and the air was impossible to be tainted." That sounds phony. When going into detail about the setting, I find it a good thing to put descriptive details in the description. For example, instead of saying "the morning couldn't be fresher," perhaps talk about how the air was crisp and cool, or about how the air smelled of freshly baked bread/pastries/cakes or something. And saying it was impossible for the air to be tainted doesn't do anything for this specific story. If the story took place in a post-apocalyptic war zone with toxic gas covering 95% of the land, and there's a small glen where "the air was impossible to be tainted" because the wind blows it right past it, then that phrase would fit; this story is taking place either in the early morning or eleven-thirty in a regular town, so there's no reason for that phrase to be there. It's a cheap phrase that could be replaced with some descriptions to make this paragraph come more alive.
3. "The sun glimpsed over the adamant mountains, almost like it was sitting on the glorious heap." There are two pairs of contradictory words here:
a) "glimpsed" implies that there's a brief look (unless you're using it archaically to mean "glimmer," but even then it doesn't work), while "on" implies that the sun is on top of the mountains. I'd say get rid of "glimpse" and go with a word like "rose".
b) a "heap" is a pile of something, and they're usually not "adamant." I say get rid of "heap" and replace it with "peaks".
4. "The lakes acted like mirrors reflecting Celestia's blessing." So what? How does Rumble know that? This story is about Rumble, yes? How would he know that the lakes reflected the sun?
To conclude this first paragraph, It's a decently written paragraph, but its biggest problem is that it doesn't open up Rumble's story. It could be a nice opener for another story, but it doesn't do this story any justice, in my opinion.
I'd like to reiterate that this criticism is not meant to insult or discourage you. This is your first chapter, so I'm being as thorough as possible so you can improve as much as possible.
This is okay, having a leisurely pace to it while describing what's going on around some parts of Ponyville. However, like the first paragraph, it, in its current state, has no relation to Rumble's story. I can imagine Rumble looking out the window and seeing all of these ponies walking around, adding to his want to get out of class, but as it is, that doesn't come across. To talk about technicals, though, let's talk about each paragraph individually:
I don't think you need to say there's peace in Ponyville, since the focus is on the action of ponies going about their business in an energetic fashion; it's a deceptive introduction to the setting, sounding pleasant but not being entirely accurate. Other than that, I think this is a nice paragraph overall.
I don't get why complaining about the price hikes, and not about how everypony seemed to find what they were looking for, or even how the stalls were lively, closes this paragraph. However, given Rumble's boredom, I can see how he'd focus on the energetic marketplace, and I think it's a great paragraph. I just feel like you need to introduce Rumble before you mention anything about the setting.
On its own, I have two problems with it. First, what is "unnecessary" noise? Is the hubbub outside in the marketplace unnecessary noise? I think that word is not being used to benefit that part there. Second, why mention the problem with intelligence? I can't fathom any reason that should be there. As it fits in Rumble's story, I think this paragraph needs to be taken out entirely, because it just does nothing for your story overall.
Now we're getting to Rumble's story, and it's a nice introduction; I feel like this part is where the story truly begins, if it mentions Rumble. I have one problem with it, though: "positively" is a dead word here, and it could be taken out without any problems with it. However, this paragraph is good.
Consider taking that description of the town before this paragraph, and using it in combination with sort of a daydream for him, like he's zoning out and then he imagines himself doing something amazing. This paragraph is alright, and I like the tone of it; it feels adventurous, like the narrator feels that Rumble has a lot of energy in him.![:twilightsmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png)
But do you see why I'm mixed up on time? You say the townsponies moved around in the early morning, but when Rumble looks at the clock, it's eleven-thirty (hyphenated). That confused me.
I don't care if your hooves are too small for those sleeves, I'mma hug you right now! *hugs SolarFlare21*
*ahem* Sorry, but I have a head-canon that Rumble, Featherweight, Pip and Dinky Doo are the best of friends, and seeing that made me go ERMAGERSH SO AWESOME!. Thank you.
As for it being a paragraph on its own, I think it's excellent. It's simple and to-the-point, as it appears to need to be. Good job.![:pinkiehappy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiehappy.png)
That underlined part isn't necessary, but everything else is nice.
I question what half-confidence is, but I think this is a nice exchange between Cheerilee and Rumble. I don't think "shock" is the word you want, though. Perhaps "surprise".
Now I have to question why that part with the math question is necessary. None of the classmates react to his success, and, as I'll discuss later, Cheerilee doesn't comment on his paying attention. I can imagine him trying to concentrate on the lesson, taking notes until something metaphorically hits him, but I would like to see something come out of this.
I will say, though, that this is a small complaint on my part, and I like this part.
This part runs around in circles. He resists it, but he has no choice but to welcome it? Also, I don't think you're using the word "slumber" correctly. I feel like... well, let's talk about your next paragraph.
So everypony was too bored or sleepy to care... including Cheerilee? Surely she'd notice that, and either try to wake him up or ignore him. I feel like leaving out what Cheerilee does in reaction to this would help, since it would paint a better picture of what's happening in the classroom.
Getting to the paragraph before it, though, I feel like this could be combined with it like so:
"Then something hit him, metaphorically. His eyelids grew heavy and his head slowly slid out of his hoof without him realizing it. There was nowhere else his head could go, but on his desk. A loud thump was heard in the classroom, but everypony else were too bored or too sleepy to care. With a hoof resting over his head, he snoozed off as he drooled on his wooden desk. Little did he know that three sets of eyes were watching him."
That part about slumber trying to take him doesn't seem necessary, and I feel like combining these two paragraphs moves the action along much more smoothly, making it more pleasant to read.
And there's the first part. I feel like once we get to the scene with Rumble, the story moves along nicely. Everything before that, though, feels unnecessary, or in the wrong place. I feel like if you were to move parts of it to when he's looking out of the window, then it would create a sense of boredom in the classroom, which would be good for your story. The interactions are nice, although they could do with a bit of consequence, as I'll talk about in the second part.
In conclusion, it's a decent beginning. Now onto RumBelle!
Let's talk about point-of-view. This is told from Rumble's POV, yes? That's how we have access to his inner thoughts. So I feel like even though this is a pleasant paragraph, it tells too much. I feel like explaining the announcement after Rumble wakes up, like Sweetie Belle telling him what he missed when she wakes him up, would make more sense, as well as keep the story in Rumble's realm. Also, why do we need to know that the schoolhouse is decorative? That seems like a dead word here.
No problems with it on a technical level, it's nice, but still, how would Rumble hear it when he's sleeping? This is a small complaint, something to consider, but not really all that pressing of an issue.
Rumble isn't standing, so perhaps change that word to "remained." Other than that, I feel like this paragraph is really nice, but consider making Rumble hear a bunch of shuffling, or dream about a bunch of shuffling and talking going on, would be better. Still, small complaint, and I like the casual style this is beginning with, making Rumble seem oh-so-adorable.
I have quite a few problems with this. First, a lot of these descriptions aren't necessary. Stuff like "the purple-maned pegasus" and "the famous bakery and confectionary" are just description for description's sake, and can be taken out and not change a thing. We know who the orange pegasus and the white unicorn are, so you could just change those to Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.
Also, this is a point-of-view change. Rumble isn't awake yet, so he wouldn't notice some of these things. Also, why are you getting into Apple Bloom's head? This is Rumble's story, so I feel like the focus should be on him more. I can see it just being dialogue, like this:
And Rumble would overhear it while still having his eyes closed. That way, he'd hear their plans, and it'd still be about him.
This is a very nicely written section.. and it'd fit if it were from Sweetie Belle's point of view. This story, however, is about Rumble having to deal with three fillies that want to be his fillyfriend, so I feel like this should be from his point of view, exclusively. Consider this:
"It was then that Rumble felt something messing with his mane. At first he thought it was the wind, but then he felt something brush against his head. "It's so soft," a voice whispered right in front of him. He was now awake. *next paragraph*"
The cuteness of this is kept, and it's still from Rumble's point of view. I feel like a big problem with this story so far is that you lose your point of view quite a bit, making the story seem to jump around.
I've no complaints about this paragraph. I think it's very cute, describing how young children would wake up after a nap in class (y'know, if they had wings.
) It's just great overall, in my opinion.
"You missed lunch... and recess... for some reason, Cheerilee decided to let you sleep. She tried waking you up a few times, but you wouldn't budge." My point is there's a bit missing in this exchange. It is, however, a nice exchange. I just feel like it lacks some information that should be talked about.
I really like this exchange. It stays with Rumble's point of view, allowing him to observe Sweetie Belle's reactions. Also, that comment about the imaginary watch is adorable.
That part about not wanting to scare anyone comes off as odd. I don't see why he'd think that at that moment, especially the part about not wanting to scareanyone. Where does that come from?
On the positive side, the dialogue is really good. I think your strongest area of writing is your dialogue, as it comes off as being natural and adorable at times, as well as expressing emotions in an attention-grabbing manner.
I don't think any of this is necessary. It could be removed entirely, and nothing would really change, in my opinion.
We know who the filly is, so just say Sweetie Belle. At the very least, the word "a" does not convey what you mean, as you're referring to a specific filly, the one Rumble's been focusing on. "A" would work if it was a filly he hadn't known was there.
I don't feel like she's say "you can't leave me here!" I feel like she'd say "Can I tag along with you?" Also, point of view switch again. Other than that, I am interested in this scene. Good job.![:ajsmug:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/ajsmug.png)
Other than that part about Rumble and Featherweight living close to each other, which doesn't seem to make sense since he already knows this and it's irrelevant to the situation, in my opinion, I think this is a nice paragraph. It not only moves the action, but begins the awkward romance between them.
D'aw! Sweetie Belle's making her move!![:rainbowkiss:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowkiss.png)
Hang on a second: Rarity leaves Sweetie Belle alone at her Boutique for two days? Hang on, first off, why would her parents be okay with that? Second, Rarity knows that Sweetie Belle is kinda clumsy and likes to mess around with things, so I don't think she'd willingly let her stay there.
Do you remember when I said I wanted that math scene to have some consequence? Well, talking about how smart he is since he answered a difficult math problem would imply flirting, and it'd make that part about the math problem relevant, slightly but still significantly, to the main conflict: who's gonna win Rumble's heart? Also, since this is a group project, Sweetie could try and butter him up with calling him smart, among others things, perhaps.
"Quicker than normal" appears to be a dead phrase, but other than that, I like this exchange. Rumble's falling for the whim of a lady, and that could create some interesting characterization.
"I'd also like to" seems a bit too formal for Rumble. However, given that he wasn't working with anypony, why does he think he's not desperate for members? And doesn't he have Featherweight and Pipsqueak as friends, and possible group partners? I may be overthinking it, but this kinda doesn't make sense.
Point-of-view change again. Also, wow, Sweetie Belle doesn't like zebras? That may not be what you're thinking of, but that's how it came across for me. I do like the description of Sweetie Belle's mane, though. That's a nice touch of description.![:eeyup:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/eeyup.png)
...What? That part before the underlined part was nice, but what on earth does his Aunt Cumulus have to do with anything about this situation? I think that may be a dead simile you tried to do. Perhaps consider getting rid of it, or replacing it.
Again, I praise your dialogue. It's not too flowery, and it fits the characters. It gets to the point, moves the plot along, and gets some good characterization across.
I struck that part out because I don't think it fits Rumble's personality. Other than that, I like this part, how flitting Sweetie Belle is, and Rumble expressing his curiosity. It keeps my attention.
D'aw!
That underlined part at the end is going overboard with description. It makes the smile come across as completely unbelievable, and I don't think you want that in this situation. Be careful for things like that. However, the reaction Sweetie Belle gives here is great, and I love it.
*claps* Besides those word choices, that is excellent. This interaction is great!
Nothing wrong, methinks; very nice.
That comment about vaccination is entirely unnecessary, and distracting. Kudos to you, though, for using the word "gleeful" properly and significantly. Your interactions and dialogue are really nice, in my opinion.
Another point-of-view change. Pick one or the other, please.
Nothing really happens in this paragraph. When you have something like this, consider putting something for her to focus on, or go into detail about what she notices about him. The comment about the gait and catching up is nice.
No.
Sorry, but that really bothers me. Smiling like it's automatic makes Rumble seem like he doesn't care about Sweetie Belle at all. I suggest taking that out immediately.
This is nice. I think the invite coming near the end here is a good move, as it really does appear to begin this game.
Ooh, the intrigue here is nice, very nice! It ends on a positive note critically. Bravo!
And that's it for chapter 1! My final thoughts on it:
Your biggest strength is dealing with your characters in terms of dialogue and body action. When you don't have unnecessary words or your wording isn't clunky, it comes off as really well, natural and significant for the most part. You also seem to have a nice grasp on pacing, although Sweetie Belle moving in for a kiss could be called jumping the gun and moving things along too quickly. Your plot is interesting, and the conflict is set up nicely.
The largest problem with it is definitely the changing point-of-view. It's very confusing to go from Rumble's to Sweetie Belle's thoughts given what you're trying to accomplish. If you want to focus on Rumble dealing with the fillies, then have it as his point of view; if you want to focus on the three fillies' antics as they try and win him over, as well as their internal struggle as being friends, then tell it from their point of view. There's also the "said" problem, which is also prevalent, and switching tenses. I assume you mean to write it in the past tense, which is what I changed the words to in parentneses. There's also a bit too much description; be careful with how you describe things, and aim to have them describe important things—but not too much that you can't write anything! We're still learning, and it's better to get our words out.![:twilightsmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png)
Overall, this appears to be a story worth watching, as it has a nice set-up and great character interactions. I will be following this to see how it fares.
I'd once more like to reiterate that none of these criticisms are meant to insult or discourage. They are only meant to offer suggestions as to what you could be doing better. Take them as you will. Again, my other comments on later chapters won't go through everything like this one, but they will be summaries on how it turns out, as well as what I think about how the conflict's unfolding.
I wish you the best of your talents with the rest of this story!
Has to choose one? Polygamy is magic.
I can already tell this is going to be good, and I haven't even started yet.
2545824 Yes, from reading the first chapter, it can be expected to be a great story. The dialogue and body language (s)he uses is particularly nice.
Why can't I see Rumbaloo in the comments?![:raritydespair:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/raritydespair.png)
I want Rumbaloo!!
2542854
As you can see, I took your criticism quite well and revised the chapter.
Thanks!![:yay:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/yay.png)
2546976 I just read it over, and it's much tighter than it was before. The added dream sequence was pretty cool as well. I would like to point out some things, though:
I appreciate that you went back and fixed those things that needed fixing. I think the chapter is much better. I wish you the best of your talents with oyur next chapter!![:pinkiehappy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiehappy.png)
2547004
Horse apples! I forgot to fix my grammar!
I apologize for those errors. English isn't my mother tongue and I'm still fairly new to writing.
Thanks for pointing those out yet again. They're much appreciated!![:twilightsmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png)
2546963 I'm actually hoping that this ends with either Rumble and Sweetie Belle or Rumble and Scootaloo being together. So, you're not the only one rooting for Rumbaloo.