You're mad. You said you wouldn't be mad.
That's not what I said.
You said...
I said it would be okay. But that doesn't mean I can't be mad at you first.
...I guess that makes sense.
...
I... I guess I have a lot of explaining to do, huh?
Yeah. You do.
I don't know where to start.
Not my problem.
Should, should we get up? It's kind of cold.
Yeah, we probably should.
...
...
...
Okay, start talking.
I'm... I'm not sure where to begin, Dashie.
Don't call me that right now.
R-right. I'm sorry. Rainbow Dash. Right. But... I... I still don't know where to begin.
The costume.
Huh?
Where did you get the costume? You said Gummy ripped yours up. Your story was pretty suspicious to begin with, so does this mean you flat-out lied to me?
No! I never lied to you, I promise. Maybe I did bad things, and maybe I kind of misled you a lot, but I never actually lied. I swear. Pinkie Promise, even.
Like that even means anything anymore.
...
...
Applejack.
...huh?
Applejack. I took it from Applejack.
...I knew it would be something like that. I should've asked everypony to double-check that their costumes were where they were supposed to be. I don't know why I didn't.
Me neither. I kept expecting you to. I was kind of mad that you didn't.
...
...
...
I took it a few months ago. Mrs. Cake sent me to Sweet Apple Acres to get an order of apples for Sugarcube Corner, and while I was waiting for Applejack, I got bored and started digging around her room.
I wasn't really looking for anything, but I found the costume in her dresser and tried it on, just for fun. It had been a long time since we'd dressed up as Mare Do Well, and I wanted to see if it felt the way I remembered.
Then she came back. She laughed when she saw me, and told me that she had to get back to work, but to make sure I put her stuff back the way I'd found it.
But I didn't. I took it with me. I didn't even know why at the time, I just did.
But if you'd asked her about her costume, she might have looked for it and noticed it was missing. Then she probably would've known it was me right away.
...What do you mean, "felt the way you remembered?"
It's... kind of weird, but I really liked being Mare Do Well. Nopony knew who I was, so I didn't have to be anypony. I could be anypony I wanted. If I wanted to be dark and mysterious instead of bubbly and happy, I could be, and nopony would think less of me.
Geez. Is it really that hard for you to be happy? Are you just... constantly on the verge of a breakdown, or something?
No, it's... I don't know. I'm not sure how to explain it. I am happy a lot. But not always, y'know? And when you're supposed to be the Element of Laughter, it's kind of hard to know what to do with yourself when you don't feel like laughing. Everypony expects me to be smiling and happy, and sometimes I just don't want to be. But... nopony likes the serious Pinkie.
Okay. Fine. You took it from AJ. But what happened to your costume?
I ripped it myself. I still have the pieces in my room somewhere. I didn't want it to be a lie when I told you I didn't have it anymore. I even tried to get Gummy to help, and he kind of tore it with his claws a little.
...
...
...
Should I keep going?
Yeah.
...
...
A-after we dressed up as Mare Do Well that first time, all I could think about was how easy it would be if I could just wear a mask all the time and do what I wanted without worrying about what everypony thought.
And then I found Applejack's costume and took it, because... because I really wanted it all of a sudden. I was stupid and forgot I had my own. It was just on a whim, I guess. And... and I decided to just do it.
It wasn't even about you at first. At first, I just wanted to start again with a new identity; so I pretended to be a superhero, because that was the kind of costume I had. I went on nightly patrols, looking for trouble. I wanted to keep on being Mare Do Well, even though all that was supposed to be over.
Then I realized that this could be my chance to approach you. I'd had a crush on you for a really, really long time, but I knew that you just thought of me as silly Pinkie and wouldn't take me seriously. I wanted to be taken seriously, and I was scared that you'd turn me down because you'd think I was joking. But as Mare Do Well, you wouldn't know anything about me. You wouldn't have had any prejudices.
You're still talking weird.
Huh?
Mare Do Well... Mare Do Well talked really fancy, with big words and stuff. You're still doing that.
I'm not stupid. I can sound smart if I want to.
...
So, um, so, I decided that it might be fun if I approached you in disguise, since I'd be able to be honest with you without worrying about what would happen between us afterwards. I followed you around for a while – a few nights, maybe. I'm not sure exactly how long. But I wasn't trying to stalk you or anything creepy like that; I was just trying to build up the courage to actually do it.
Then that stallion tried to rob you, and I jumped in without thinking. When you tried to talk to me, I panicked and ran away, because I didn't know what to say to you. I wasn't ready yet.
After that, I decided that I wouldn't follow you anymore. I was pretty shaken up about almost getting caught. Everything I was doing felt so wrong, like it needed to be kept absolutely secret no matter what, although I guess it kinda was wrong, and it didn't feel worth it, really. So I decided that the Mare Do Well idea had been pretty silly. But then my tail started twitching, and –
Pinkie Sense? Seriously?
I know you don't think it's real, but it works!
Anyway, my tail started twitching, and my Pinkie Sense told me that something bad was gonna happen to you. I didn't warn you because I knew you didn't believe in my Pinkie Sense, and even though I'd told myself to forget about the costume, I think a part of myself really wanted to keep wearing it – because I had the idea to keep you safe that day, and I ended up doing it as Mare Do Well.
I really liked the feeling of watching out for you for once. You always get to be the hero, always saving me and the others and being brave for everypony, and... and I liked how it felt to be on the other side for a little while. It made me feel strong.
I never feel strong.
After that, I ditched the costume in a back street somewhere and went to meet up with the others. I told them that I'd found you, and I led them to the alley where you'd cornered me before I got away. We'd been looking for you, so I didn't have to explain where I was. They thought I'd just split off from the group.
I tried to sound like I'd been in the audience by talking up Mare Do Well's rescue of you. I wanted you to be impressed. But you were mad, not impressed... something I should have expected, I guess, considering how you reacted to the original Mare Do Well thing. I hadn't thought you'd still be upset.
So, the next night, I went to get the costume from the alley I'd hid it in when I saw you walking around, and I figured you were looking for Mare Do Well.
Was that seriously the first thing your mind went to?
Well, yeah. I know you pretty well. And I was right, wasn't I?
...
It made me kind of uncomfortable, to see you purposely trying to get in trouble. I mean, I know you can take care of yourself and everything, but still, it was risky. So I thought that since you were only doing it to draw out Mare Do Well, you'd cut it out if I just gave you what you wanted – but then I got carried away again. I wanted to have fun with it, since I'd be talking to you as whoever I wanted to be, but it was like I couldn't control myself. You were so close, and I didn't have to be the Pinkie you knew, so it was like I became the exact opposite instead.
That's what it was like, when I wore the mask. I wasn't happy, silly, make-everypony-smile Pinkie anymore, because I was tired of all that. Instead, I was serious, cold, make-everypony-angry Mare Do Well.
I felt bad afterwards and threw that party to try and cheer you up. It was like an apology, almost, but you still seemed upset, so I took you to my room to talk to you. I wanted to try and figure out how upset you actually were, but... then you said that you thought Mare Do Well liked you, and I got upset. It didn't make sense to me. I'd liked you for such a long time, and you'd never noticed how I felt ever, but Mare Do Well talks to you for five minutes and you're already interested?
But then you said that you didn't like her back, and that you just wanted to know who she was. And I was relieved. I was still confused, though, because if you liked her better, it meant you didn't like me as my ordinary Pinkie self – but if I gave up the act, it meant I lost the one outlet I had for my feelings.
Anyway, you probably didn't notice, but when you went outside afterwards, you sat right under my window, right where I could see you. I wanted to keep talking to you, but I knew you were done with Pinkie, so I thought I'd give it a shot as Mare Do Well, and put on the costume. So I snuck out of my window. I had to climb onto the roof and out around back, so it was kind of hard, but then –
What about the flowers?
Huh?
The carnations. What was the deal with those?
Oh. Um.
Well, I'd heard Rarity telling Twilight about this book she'd bought about the language of flowers, and she said something about roses being cheesy and how it would be really romantic to get flowers with some kind of deeper meaning. I thought "friendship" was a good one, so I had them delivered, because I thought what you'd said about flowers and moonlight was funny. And the notes were easy to write. I just used a pencil. I get a lot of practice at the bakery, since I have to write up menus and bills and stuff.
So like I said. I snuck out to see you. I wanted to keep talking to you. I was getting kind of desperate. I just kept wanting to see you and talk to you, and I took any chance I got to do that. But while we were talking, I became too honest and told you too much. I confessed a lot that night.
I was afraid that I'd given myself away, but then you brought up the whole game idea, and... I got excited. I mean, I like games, and here was an excuse to keep being Mare Do Well for you.
If you hadn't brought up the game and given me the idea for the challenge, I think I would've stopped that night.
Then Twilight showed up and I got scared and ran.
When I was back in my room, I started to freak out when I realized what I'd done. It was like Mare Do Well was another pony completely. The total opposite of me. When I put on the mask, I became possessed by her, and it scared me, how it was like I couldn't stop myself from acting out like that. She was so different from me. But you seemed interested in her, so I kept it up, just so I could be near you. I knew you hated her, but you also seemed intrigued, and I thought that I could win if I could just get you to like her, too. That way, you wouldn't be mad at me once I revealed who I really was. It would be safe.
I offered to help you investigate because I wanted to find out how much you already knew, so that I could postpone your investigation as much as possible. That's why I was so unhelpful.
Why were you jealous of yourself, though? I mean, that's crazy. Like, seriously crazy. Drag you to an asylum SCREAMING crazy.
...I know. But it was like I told you; Mare Do Well was somepony else. Pinkie didn't understand why you were so interested in Mare Do Well when you'd never noticed her before, and Mare Do Well wanted Pinkie to shut up and stop interfering, because at least this way I got to be close to you.
That was when I really started hating myself. I know it's crazy to be jealous of myself, but I was.
So, you brought me to Rarity's, and then Applejack's, and then you just kind of stopped. What was up with that?
I took you to see Rarity because I wanted to make sure that you wouldn't be able to access those sales files I'd told you about. I wanted you to think that Mare Do Well had bought the costume from Rarity, to throw you off, and I knew that as soon as you actually saw them and saw who'd actually bought it, you'd know I must have gotten mine from somewhere else.
It was around then that I really started to hate having a double life, though. I wanted to be honest with you – but at the same time, I didn't want to lose what I had. Mare Do Well could do whatever Pinkie wanted to do without being afraid, and I didn't want to give that up, but still. I was sick of lying to you.
I started thinking it would be easier if you just found out who I was on your own, and I started sabotaging myself. That's why I brought you to Applejack next. I wanted you to ask her about the costume. I wanted her to notice it was missing and piece it together.
Why did you leave me alone with her, though? Because you couldn't face up to it, or something?
No. Because I had an idea.
What?
...The derby. I'd heard about it, and had this idea to get you the best Hearth's Warming Present ever, because I knew tickets would be hard to get. I went off with Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo and Apple Bloom because I wanted to be the one to walk them home, so that I'd have a reason to stop by Rarity's. When I brought Sweetie back to the boutique, I told Rarity that I knew how busy she was and offered to watch Sweetie Belle for her until her work was finished.
She was super grateful and asked how she could repay me, and I asked her if she'd be able to get me a ticket. I paid for it; I just wanted her to secure one, before they sold out, since I knew the shows went quickly. So she got her friend Fancy Pants in Canterlot to figure it out for me.
Also, while I was playing with them, they showed me their zipline. I hadn't intended to show it to you at the time, but after your wings were hurt, I remembered it and asked if I could use it and they lent me their gear.
You said you had connections! What kind of connections are those?
I never said I had connections. I said I called in a few favors.
More like "manipulated Rarity into feeling like she owed you something."
...
...
...
Keep talking.
Um... well, after I took Sweetie home, I headed back with Apple Bloom, because I wanted to find out what Applejack had told you. But it was late and I realized that you'd probably be going to find Mare Do Well, and I wouldn't have time to run and change, so I asked you not to go.
I thought you'd stay, for my sake. But you didn't want to, and... and that hurt my feelings. I'd thought that me being a friend would trump Mare Do Well being interesting, but you chose her, and I was mad. Really, really mad. Because Mare Do Well was pretty much my exact opposite, and if you liked her, that meant you didn't like me.
But I still wanted to be near you. Even if it meant being somepony I hated. So I told you not to go to the bakery, because I wouldn't be there. And I went, and I changed, and I slipped into the alley to wait for you. And then you came, and... and I was still so, so mad at you, and it came out in a really weird way. I think... I think I wanted to hurt you, but... I don't know. It was like, "you chose the mysterious stranger over your best friend? Fine, let me show you what she's really like; you'll regret it." So it was like I was being Mare Do Well extra hard that night, and I was really aggressive and mean, even though I knew it made you uncomfortable. I did it on purpose.
Then your wings were broken.
That was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me ever and I never, ever, ever want anything like that to ever happen again. I thought he'd killed you at first, and... and I won't even tell you what I did. But I was so, so scared, and I decided that the Mare Do Well thing had gone on long enough and I put the costume away.
You'd said before that you kind of liked Mare Do Well when she was being normal, and... and I was so relieved. Because I thought you meant that you liked her better when she was acting more like Pinkie. More like me. I thought that meant you liked me. So during the storm, when you came to Sugarcube Corner, I decided to tell you that I liked you. I thought you'd say you liked me too, but...
I don't know.
You didn't, I guess.
I was really upset after that, and I hated myself even more for being so stupid. I didn't want to be me anymore, and I took the costume back out. And then you showed up out of nowhere and tried to make Mare Do Well feel better. That almost made things worse, because... well, why were you trying to comfort her, when you'd run away from Pinkie?
And I know it's crazy, but it just made me more jealous.
That is pretty crazy.
I... I know.
Can I ask you something?
Yeah. Of course.
What about the heights thing? You said you were scared of heights, but you've been up high before and never freaked out.
Um... there's kind of two things about that.
The first is that I'm pretty good at hiding it when I'm upset about something.
And the second is that I sort of misled you again. It's not the heights, exactly. It's falling.
Huh?
My Pinkie Sense.
I don't get it.
I think that the worst feeling in the world is when you know something bad is going to happen, but you just can't stop it because you don't know when or how. So it's not the heights, exactly. It's when I know somepony's going to fall and I can't do anything about it. Like when you were chasing me before; I was shaking so hard that I almost couldn't run, but I didn't know when it was going to happen or to which one of us, so I couldn't do anything. And sure enough, I fell, and it was scary.
That kind of makes sense, I guess.
Okay. Keep going.
I bribed the servant unicorn to put the note in your bag. I told him to make sure you didn't find out. That's why he was so scared of you.
...I don't even know what to say about that.
When you invited me to the derby, and when we spent the day together, I was so happy. It was like when you told Mare Do Well you liked it when she was normal; it felt like you were rejecting Mare Do Well because you'd decided you liked regular Pinkie more.
And then I found the note in your bed, and I didn't even know what to do. I didn't know if I was supposed to be angry or sad or what. I mean, I'd sent the note, so I couldn't really bring myself to be upset, but I knew that I was supposed to be. I just... I don't know.
But I guess you thought I was upset, because then I got your note about not writing to you anymore. I'd liked the notes, though. Even though I knew you were writing to Mare Do Well and I was answering as her, I could pretend they were for Pinkie.
Then you kissed me, and... wait.
What?
Did you hear that?
No. Hear what?
I thought I heard somepony.
We're crouched in some random alley in Canterlot on Hearth's Warming Morning. Of course you're gonna hear somepony.
Yeah, I guess... anyway, then you kissed me, and I know you were drunk, but I felt like... I think... I really, really wanted it to be real.
Then you said that about Mare Do Well being mad, and I sort of freaked out.
Because you were right and suddenly I realized how completely bonkers it was, that I'd be jealous of myself and that you'd be kissing me to make me angry without even knowing it, and...
That's not why.
...
I kissed you because I wanted to. The... the thing about Mare Do Well being mad was just me being stupid. Like an afterthought. I didn't mean it. That wasn't why.
...
I don't really remember what happened, but... but I remember that.
I was kind of spying on you at the ball.
That's creepy.
I know, but I was worried about you. Applejack shouldn't have given you anything to drink. But I heard some of what you guys were saying, and –
What did I say?
You said that you thought Mare Do Well had a sexy voice, then that you used to like Fluttershy, then that you thought Applejack was hot, and then that you were going to throw up, so I jumped in.
I did not!
Yes you did!
No! I... oh, geez. Did I really say all that?
Yeah.
...
...
...So. So, you kissed me, and I got upset. Twilight came over but I ran away, and later she came to ask if I was all right. I told her that you'd kissed me, and that you only did it to make somepony else mad, and I don't think she really understood why I was so upset, but she said she'd talk to you. But I knew you wouldn't be there.
How the hay did you know that?
I know you. You run away when things get too difficult for you to cope with. You've told me yourself. I knew you'd have probably flown off. And I decided, right then and there, that this was definitely the very last night. That Mare Do Well was going to disappear. It was crazy for me to have this whole other self that I was in a rivalry with, and the thought that you might actually, genuinely like her better was scary. So I was going to get rid of her. But I didn't want you to keep hunting for her, so I put on the costume one last time and went looking for you, to tell you that the game was over, but when I was talking to you, it was like I lost control again, and the anger I felt at myself manifested as hurt directed at you.
I wanted Mare Do Well to disappear. I wanted to kill her. I wanted her to vanish, and then I wanted Pinkie to be able to go and comfort you in her wake.
But then you started chasing her.
And now... here we are.
...I don't even know what to say. I mean... Pinkie, that makes, like, no sense. At all. That is so totally messed up I'm not even sure where to begin. And... and why's your hair like that, anyway? All straight and stuff?
...When I was little, I wasn't very happy.
...
I used to go by my full name then. Pinkamena. And I was really sad and lonely and serious. Then I saw a rainbow, and it was so, so beautiful. I'd never seen anything that beautiful; I was so happy to see it, and I wanted to be that happy forever. But the thing is, it's hard to be that happy.
Smiles hurt after a while, and sometimes I'm just not up to it. I try to act happy no matter what, but sometimes, it gets so hard. I just need a break. When I get all moody, it's like I've gone back to being that sad little filly I used to be. I call myself Pinkamena when that happens. When I stop being Pinkie Pie.
What I said about Mare Do Well and Pinkie being two different ponies? It's like Pinkamena and Pinkie are two different ponies, too. And for some reason, my hair always goes straight when I'm in my Pinkamena mood. I don't know why.
...
...
...
...I think I'm broken.
You're not broken.
I'm in so many pieces, though. And I don't know how to put them back together again.
I – did you hear that? I thought I heard somepony say your name.
Are you sure?
Yeah, but... never mind.
Want me to go look?
No. Please stay.
...
...
I don't know what to say, Pinkie.
I know.
But... I mean... I liked you, Pinkie. And I liked Mare Do Well. So... if those are all pieces of you... then once you're put back together, won't we...?
...I don't know how to do that, though.
There's gotta be something. I don't know what, but there's gotta be something we can do. I mean, friends help each other, right? So if you seriously think of yourself as broken, then we gotta fix you up.
...You still want to be my friend?
Duh. This whole thing is pretty messed up, but... I don't want to lose you completely.
...
...
...So what happens now?
I'm not sure. But... I guess... we start over. And this time, no hiding. No masks. At all.
If... if you're sad, you need to tell us, okay? We're still going to love you. It's not like we only like you because you make us smile. We like you for more than that. And...
And there's probably more we should do, but I don't know what. I don't think one night is enough to figure this out.
...
We're probably gonna need, like, a million years. I mean, this got really complicated. And I have a lot of issues, too, so... you're not the only one. I gotta figure stuff out, too.
What about us?
You mean..."us?"
Y-yeah.
I... I don't know.
You said you liked Pinkie and Mare Do Well. So... so if I find a way to fix myself, do you think... do you think you'd ever...
I don't know if I can answer that right now.
Okay. I understand.
But...
But what?
I think... I kind of want to...
Um, want to what?
...
...
...Dashie?
Do that.
Can... can we do that again?
Yeah.
...
...
...
...
...
Rainbow Dash! There you are!
Uh-oh.
Oops. I told you I heard somepony.
Um, hi, Twilight.
We've been looking for you every... Pinkie? What are you doing here?
Hi!
Why are you dressed like that?
Um...
Were you two...
Can we just go back to the palace? I'm kind of tired.
...
...
...
D-damn it...
P-p-p-pinkie?!
*Resigned sigh*
I don't know what to think anymore.
Also, what's with this chapter's formatting? XD
edit ;;
Pinkie does break the fourth wall at times and PinkieDash is pretty popular but...
*slams forehead onto desk*
edit 2 ;;
This chapter wasn't so bad, answered a few questions even.
c:
But..
PINKIE?
XD
Really hard to get over that.
I thought it was Twilight until last chapter.
I don't think it should've been Pinkie, at the very least... but, it makes sense in a Pinkie sort of way...
I expect alternate endings and whatnot now.
...yeah, I think I'm gonna get to working HARD on that parody now...
188897
Only if it's either Zecora or Derring Do under the mask.
This was perfect. I figured it out about three days ago. The duality of Pinkie and the focus on her and Dash's relationship in this story are the things that cemented that it had to be and SHOULD be her. It wouldn't be right to suddenly focus on another character in the story other than Pinkie when we didn't see that much meaningful interactions from the others but her.
This chapter was a weird departure from the others, and a big risk to take at such an important moment. But it was good. The dialogue shines all by itself, and that's what the audience really needed to see. Without being potentially bogged down, we get the good stuff. In theory
And it works well enough, I guess, but I don't know if it was the best option. Everything was leading up to this, and there's so much going on in this scene and in these characters minds that I would have liked to see. It feels lacking somewhat. This was not the moment to skimp, because there's just so many things you can almost see in your mind's eyes that these characters are thinking or doing that I would have liked to have seen.
That said, it was an interesting stylistic choice and I applaud your courage to experiment with your writing and grow even in the middle of things.
188890
by in a pinkie sort of way. do you mean in a completely unexpected way?
I also thought that this was a Twidash fic
Then again, going over your other fics... You seem to be a supporter of rainbow pie
Pinkie? Son I am disappoint. Truth be told I was hoping it would be applejack, twilight or rarity the whole time. I think it would have added a good dynamic to the story. But with the whole pinkie pie being skitzo thing, and the fact she had so much face time I think it had to have been the inevitable conclusion. I just wish I had been proven wrong. It just seems to me to be a total cop-out to blame it on pinkies split personality disorder, but you're the writer and this was your idea. It was one hell of a story, I enjoyed it. But I can't wait for alternate endings.
Yay` pinkie! Just had to comment about this on both chapters. Yeah! lol
188920
Yeah, pretty much. The reasoning was solid, but nonsensical at the same time. I know that doesn't make sense, okay?
I was really hoping it was Twilight (or at least Rarity or Applejack) simply because the unmasking wouldn't be the conclusion. There would be many hurt feelings to patch up, many things to explain, and more, deeper interactions with more than two characters as they attempt to patch up their friendship through the end.
The story itself was wonderful, I just found the conclusion to be... well, anticlimactic.
And this is from a PinkieDash supporter, mind you.
I still believe it could have been twilight xD
But still a nice chapter :)
That was beautiful. Best thing I've read in a long time.
I... I feel like I need a cigarette.
To be honest I was really hoping that it would not be pinkie. I sort of knew it would be her, and it was obviously going to at least be one of Rainbow Dash's friends...but I don't think any of them really fit Mare Do Well very well (in my opinion of course). An OC most likely would have been impossible since there would be no way to define the character, which is too bad because I think that would have been my Ideal. Nonetheless you've done a great job with the story and the explanation of Pinkie's actions fit well, I could only hope to write fanfiction half as good as you.
A sad sad day when my fav fic goes away
Pinkie - that is the way it should be! Ignore the haters, because Rainbow Pie rules
It doesn't seem like many other people are happy with Mare Do Well being Pinkie - i'm kind of surprised by that. I'm glad it was - I think it fits, and her explanation of it amuses me no end. I can just picture her holding little bits of the costume out to Gummy trying to get him to maul it.
The chase sequence was, in my opinion, extremely well written - it's tense, exciting, dramatic and the way it's written is excellent - it contrasts the slow build up and...i'm not sure what to call it...psychological maybe...nature of the rest of the story without losing the feeling and quality that makes it so good. That, and Rainbow Dash harassing people in the street about superheroes is somehow just so perfect it's scary.
I think Dash's reactions throughout the explanation are really well done - she remains aggressive and rather nasty throughout, but at the same time she's being a lot more forgiving than anyone has any right to expect, and she never once plans on giving up on her friends. I'm impressed that you've had her grow so much and so believably as a character without changing her personality all that much.
I can't help but notice that the ending of the story is kind of the reverse of the scene in which Pinkie first confesses - instead of running away from her and Pinkie's feelings Dash chases her (knowingly or not) down and forces them both to deal with the reality of the situation. That, for me, was excellent - did you mean it to be that way?
I think i've been rambling for a bit too long so I shall end this by saying that somehow, even though we've only seen another side to Pinkie a handful of times in the show for obvious reasons, your version captures the feel of her really well and never really felt out of character - except as Mare Do Well, of course, but even then I can totally picture her doing that.
Well done, and thank you. This was worth waiting for.
188897 yes please do.
Im still disappointed it could have been so much more. I know some people will be happy but I have to say it was very disappointing ending for me at least. Its not a bad ending it is very well done and explains a lot, i just wish it was not Pinkie Pie.
I will say this I shall continue to fallow you and read your stories because they are wonderfully written and i was always looking forward to them.
I thank you sir for seeing this story to the end.
May you always find inspiration in the smallest things, to write the tales that bring sadness and joy.
188918 188989
Ditto. c:
I have a happy.
Best fic, favourite author. Nothing else to say.
I am rather disappointed. I was really hoping it would be Twilight. Oh well. Great story overall though.
188897
Twidash perhaps?
I like pinkie being MDW, screw the haters.
I have mixed feelings with this chapter and after finding out that Mare Do Well was Pinkie Pie. **wait, this isn't a hate review :D**
You made it seem as though this was going to be some big mystery to be solved. A clue here and a clue there with a mass load of red herrings everywhere. It's a bit of a disappoint that it turns out to be the obvious answer that everyone has been thinking since the beginning. As a mystery story that this was led to have been it failed a long time ago.
Overall this story was wonderful! With the announcement of leaving red herrings everywhere to trip up the reader that had to be the biggest one and that was mighty clever of you, if that was your intention from the start. The meetings between Rainbow and Mare Do Well, damn they were always heated, just didn't know what she was going to do or say next or how Rainbow was going to react. I was really rooting for Mare Do Well for the whole story, she came across a bit obsessed but you can tell that she was putting her heart into it and that she really loved Rainbow. Pinkie wanted to stop, but her love for Rainbow drove her on long after she was tired. I know that really isn't a good thing because of some of the things Pinkie said about hating Mare Do Well, but it still shows heart and how much she cared about Rainbow to be someone she hated because she wanted to see her that badly. The emotional turmoil that the characters went though really really made this story an entertaining read. It was a bit repetitive at times when we were reading Rainbow's thoughts, but I greatly enjoyed reading about Rainbow really exploring herself and really coming to face the truth of what was going on. As she said, she was forced to confront a lot of issues that she had, Her trust in her friends was put to the test and she nearly went crazy because of it (I'm glad she didn't).
This chapter was quite interesting to read and really added a lot to the story, I'm glad that you put this out with the last chapter. It really opens up Pinkie's character and it really makes the choice of Pinkie as Mare Do Well make sense (no matter how much Tails wines [I was getting rather sick of it tbh]). I greatly enjoyed the format that you went with this one....It just added something and I don't quite know what it is, but it's perfect for this chapter. It almost seemed to make everything stand-still, like it was just only them. This 100% dialogue was awesome.
Mare Do Well being Pinkie Pie...as I said I have mixed feelings about it and even though as I said the ending really makes her choice understandable it was still an overall disappointment AND YET I'M NOT DISAPPOINTED!! Yeah...I don't get it either. Kinda feeling both at the same time. I made a few predictions some to myself and some in reviews but in the back of my mind I knew it was Pinkie. I even voted for her in the poll cause I just knew it was her. The fact that it was obvious that it was her no matter how much wishful thinking [the readers] did. That is what's a bit of a let down. All this build up and it turns out to be the obvious choice.
*sorry more ramble* The whole thing with Pinkie being both herself and Mare Do Well was a rather clever idea that you thought up here. It was really a self test to Pinkie to see if Rainbow could like her for who she is rather than what she pretends to be (being all happy all the time).
Hmm....4/5 only because of the obvious choice happening in the end.
Have a good one. I look forward to reading the concluding chapter :D.
To all you haters out there that shall be posting after me here's hoping for a good laugh to quell that hate :D
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Questions answered. Ending was great.
Seriously, what's with all the hate? Like I said on the chapter previous, what's expected isn't all that bad.
Again, I say, bravo.
Okay, so, was really hoping it would be Twilight. But Pinkie works. You made it such a twist ending :D I'll be looking forward to more stories of yours.
As I said before in my review of the previous chapter, since Pinkie Pie had the most development and exposure to Dash and their relationship was the most explored out of everyone, it would have been a stupid literary move to go for a character who ad comparatively less development and exposure. It would have been a waste of all that time and effort put into their dynamic, a waste of the reader's emotional investment into Pinkie's situation and into Dash's feelings about Pinkie. People are only really sore because their favourite ships didn't turn out to be true. If Twilight had the same relationship and character development put into her and Pinkie didn't, then I would have expected it to be Twilight as MDW. As such, she didn't, so it would have been stupid to have a character who's barely been looked at the whole story ending up as MDW. It would have been bad writing. Trust me, I know.
Plus, have you people even glanced at the other stories AA has done? It's Pinkie Central there, so it's pretty obvious that this was going to be another story with Pinkie.
I knew it would be Pinkie Pie, but I really wanted it to be Twilight.
Oh well.
I knew it would be Pinkie Pie, but I really wanted it to be Twilight.
Oh well.
Thank you!
*Creates Account*
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Well, it's been a bloody good ride from the first chapter to now. This is, and will likely remain, one of my all time favourite stories, Fanfiction or not. I expected it to end up as Pinkie from pretty much the get go, and I have no problem with that being the answer either, though I'd continuously held out hope for Twilight (I *am* disappointed, but it'll pass). That being said, I also hope the possible background RariJack hints get some closure too
Still doesn't feel right being Pinkie, the explanations both made sense and seemed forced... Mare-do-Well being Pinkie does, to me, feel like the easy way out . but I loved the hell out of the whole thing, and I eagerly await more/alternate endings. I'll be keeping an eye out for Tails' parody for sure
Cheers to you, Anon
Thanks for the story
*All my 5 Stars*
So, the story is still marked as incomplete. Does that mean we still get some more? I'd like that. Stories going out right after the climax give me a hard time, I like "dealing with the fallout"-chapters.
This chapter was just exposition and dialogue, but I enjoyed it a lot. I think you made great stylistic choice for this chapter.
Excellent story. However it was mostly obvious it was pinkie most of the time
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... And that made sense, right?
Damn it.
I was right, and you still made me doubt one last time with the manehathan comment. But in the end I was right.
I completely agree with all of you who are disappointed with this "ending". I really don't understand why I'm so upset about this, but I am. Here's my thoughts.
A few years ago, the New England Patriots went 18-0, and were THAT close to winning the Super Bowl. But, they lost, and finished 18-1 instead of the perfect season. But, hey, it was all about the journey, right? They should still feel proud, right? WRONG!
Just imagine if this were to happen. Scooby-Doo is said to be drawing to a close. In the final episode, the gang breaks up. Well, hey, guess what? All the years before of it being a great series makes up for the crappy ending, right? WRONG!
Another story on this site, called The Legion Of Gloom, had a perfect plot. It was hilarious, entertaining, clever, and downright masterful. But...the ending was downright crappy, depressing, and not at all funny or wanted. But, as long as the rest was good, that's all that matters, right? WRONG!
I'm gonna get yelled at for this, but I could care less. I was hoping and praying CAD would prove me wrong and actually NOT do what you all said (a cop-out), but...ultimately, he did. It was the WRONG move. I don't care what reasons ANYONE gives, it was the wrong move. What was the point of this story? Seriously, what was the point? From the first chapter, all the way to this one, we've had nothing but Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie. So, a twist is coming, right? Nope. Instead, Mare Do Well turns out to be Pinkie, too...and her unbalanced ego is apparently to blame. Wow. Just...wow. Serious, SERIOUS cop-out. As I stated above, without a proper ending, something that SHOULD be marvelous becomes...terrible. I fully understand that it's his story and he will write what he damn well wants, but...I don't know. I've been writing for a lot longer than he has, and I know for a fact that it's a better idea to write an ending that will please a lot of people instead of just some. The Harry Potter series had a GOOD ending; I think we all can agree on that. But, this...this was just bad.
I don't really care if there's more chapters. I don't want to see more of Dash and that stupid pink brat. Thanks to CAD, I'm thinking about making a huge sin that I swore I would never make: moving Fluttershy out of last place on my "mane six favorites" list and replacing her with Pinkie for fifth. Trust me, I HATE Fluttershy...but, ultimately, that's how I feel. I can't understand why I'm getting so worked up about a stupid story, though. I suppose...it's just because it brought me, like most of you, so much joy. In this life we live, the little things that bring us joy is what matters. Sports, books, movies, music...all of it. It might seem petty. It might seem stupid. It might seem unhealthy. But, I really loved this story so much, and I didn't want it to join The Legion Of Gloom for being a masterful series with a dreadful ending and thus I was forced to not like it. But...well, for me, writing means more than it does for ANY of you. If I didn't have my ability to write and read, I think I would be dead by now. Stories mean so much to me...so very much. This is why Cupcakes drove me crazy. This is why I utterly refuse to read My Little Dashie; I cracked up and bawled for two hours at reading a certain other story where Dash died and Scootaloo had to grow up without her, so I do NOT need more crying. Before you yell at me for being a jerk and taking things too seriously, back off and realize that stories are MY LIFE. Do not question my logic and feelings.
I'll get over this sometime. I'll try to work on my parody of this story, and maybe that'll make me feel better. It took me a LONG time to get over the major disappointment from The Legion Of Gloom, since I loved it so freaking much...and this is most likely to do the same. I just...why did it have to be Pinkie? Why? It just...it ruined everything. It was nothing more than a Pinkie x Dash fiction; the "mystery" wasn't a mystery at all. Why couldn't it have been Twilight? Or Rarity? Or even Applejack? Why? Why, why, why, why, why? Yeah, I know...because it's the author's choice. Don't nag, I know. At least this should let some stress off my chest. Whenever a new episode of The Games We Play came up, I instantly stopped everything I was doing to read it and try to be one of the firsts to make a comment. It really did a number on me. So, at least now since it's basically over, I can calm down and not worry about it so much; all the other stories I track don't have the same meaning as this one did. CAD should be proud of weaving a beautiful piece, save for the end. I disagree with his choice, but I will be one of the many to admit that he can really write. Hats off to him for that.
If you're going to reply to this, go ahead. But, please, don't yell at me and don't scold me. I don't want to hear it, and I don't care what you say. I have my feelings and opinions and I'm sticking by them. There is absolutely nothing that you can say to make me change my mind. I hope CAD's happy; I think I'm going to have to abuse Pinkie in some of my stories for this and have Fluttershy get more parts. Yup, I've gone loco. Excuse me while I go and call the mental ward.
Take care, everyone. No matter what, we all still love My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, and that's all that matters. We may all think differently, but our hearts keep us united as one. This is all for those ponies and this show that we have all fallen in love with, and nothing more. Stories don't mean anything. What matter is what's in our hearts and what we choose to do with our passion that makes us a true fan. Always remember that, Bronies...and female Bronies. Goodbye.
Twilight Sparkle x Rainbow Dash Rules. Eat it, foals.
I have to say I was expecting Twilight, however having it be Pinkie was a welcome change. Realisically if Dash had ended up with anyone else it would have been a very sad ending.
I JUST HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS.
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So. This is it. The first fic I've ever been driven to regularly follow... and it's over now.
I was right, and I'm glad I was right. I'm gonna get a lot of shit from so many people for saying that, but if they have free opinion privileges, so do I. So if I had a problem with the ending, it wasn't Mare Do Well's ultimate identity.
If anything, my problem is that it seems this is the ending. It's partly because it doesn't feel like there's total closure, but mostly because of the reason expressed in my first statement.
Even with the point about this ending being open, it's not by any stretch a bad thing. I actually kind of like works with ambiguous endings; it lets me decide what I want to happen, and nothing says it doesn't. (I rule that that top's coming the fuck down in Inception. That's only a little relevant, but who cares at this point in the rant.)
Yeah, you can argue that this was another Pinkie/Dash fic through to the end. But I like those stories - hell, I've said more than once that it might as well be my MLP:FIM OTP. Plus, it's one hell of a complicated and entertaining story. Part of why I love Homestuck is its complexity, how LITERALLY EVERYTHING can end up becoming important somewhere down the line. The kind of tight continuity a story like this demands in order to work. And you pulled it off so perfectly.
I love how you worked with Pinkie Pie outside of the mask. Sure, you might as well have stuck the hat and cape on her for a daily stroll through Ponyville, but there were absolutely moments where I questioned my assertions. Especially when I saw all that pure hurt after the drunken kiss. By the end, like I'd said, I was conflicted enough to be voting for her and writing her off at the exact same time.
I applaud you, AbsoluteAnonymous. This story was basically what drove me to seek out other fics from this show and eventually get this account. I was honored to come along for the ride, and it brings me the oddest joy to see where it all led. Thank you so much for bringing this story to life - one that threw enough curveballs to let me question the obvious conclusion, and one that demanded to be picked apart and analyzed in order to see how all the pieces were meant to fit together.
The rest of the readers can say what they want, and I won't fault them for it even if I disagree with them. But man, you've earned all five of those stars from me in full, and it's still not enough to show how awesome this was for me.
FANTASTIC! very satisfying conclusion, the red herrings had me doubting along the way but everything just screamed Pinkie. This is truly the best possible conclusion, Pinkie in a love triangle with herself leaves us with no conflict. Maybe a little therapy needed but I am still happy. Dash finally sees that being with a friend does not need to mean everything is broken forever.
As others have said, this was a bit of a risk, doing a dialogue-only chapter. I like that you took it, and I think it worked out very well.
I think you conveyed a lot just with dialogue and pauses, and I'm quite impressed with the skill it takes to pull that off. I loved the tension:
You said...
I said that it would be okay. But that doesn't mean I can't be mad at you first.
It feels like they're both balancing on the edge of a pit (perhaps even a PRECIPICE), and one wrong move will send them tumbling over, and I can really feel it in my gut.
I'm...I'm not sure where to begin, Dashie.
Don't call me that right now.
Ouch. But fair. Much more than fair, really.
No! I never lied to you, I promise. Maybe I did bad things, and maybe I kind of misled you a lot, but I never actually lied. I swear. Pinkie promise, even.
Like that means anything anymore.
Ouch, again. But also fair. Reading this is emotionally GRUELING.
Geez. Is it really that hard for you to be happy? Are you just...constantly on the verge of a breakdown, or something?
I don't recall if one of Rainbow's internal monologue used these exact words, but I recognized them immediately even if they're not a word-for-word match. I love that they're finally TALKING. Laying out all their truths, all their secrets. It's about time.
You're still talking weird.
Huh?
Mare Do Well...Mare Do Well talked really fancy, with big words and stuff. You're still doing that.
I'm not stupid. I can sound smart if I want to.
I can HEAR the bite, the hurt, the flash of anger in Pinkie's voice right there, and DAMN. And a nice call-back to MDW telling Rainbow, "Pinkie's not stupid, you know." I also find it interesting how Rainbow is still mentally separating MDW and Pinkie Pie--she doesn't say "When you were being Mare Do Well, you talked really fancy" but talks about MDW as an entirely separate entity. I wonder if RD is still reeling from the shock.
It made me feel strong.
I never feel strong.
Oh, Pinkie. I still do feel for you. I can't help it. Even though you really have messed everything up really, really badly.
It didn't make sense to me. I'd liked you for such a long time, and you'd never noticed how I felt ever, but Mare Do Well talks to you for five minutes and you're already interested?
This makes perfect sense to me. It's not rational in the least, of course, but emotions often aren't. And if ever there was a pony who would be prey to inexplicable, contradictory emotions, I think that pony would be Pinkie.
More like "manipulated Rarity into feeling like she owed you something."
...
Keep talking.
It's like this whole story is this mask that is just layers and layers of bandages, and this chapter is Rainbow and Pinkie pulling back all those layers one by one, a slow and excruciating process. I really like that, as much as it makes my stomach hurt to read it. After all that's happened, a proper reckoning is necessary, and this feels like a proper reckoning to me.
Because Mare Do Well was pretty much my exact opposite, and if you liked her, that meant you didn't like me.
I think Pinkie believes this is true. I am not as sure that I believe this is true. I think MDW didn't come from thin air--that all the things MDW was are things that Pinkie holds inside her, somewhere, in some quantity.
I really like that Rainbow mostly just lets Pinkie talk during this whole scene, by the way. Just lets Pinkie lay it all out.
Because you were right and I suddenly realized how completely bonkers this was, that I'd be jealous of myself and that you'd be kissing me to make me angry without even knowing it, and...
I hadn't expected that this was the real cause of Pinkie's freak-out. I really like that this is the reason. I like that Pinkie has been feeling guilt and has been worried about how crazy she's been.
I did not!
Yes you did!
I'm not sure if this is the tone I'm supposed to be hearing here, but at this point, I imagined these two characters slipping into something of their former relationship--playful, friendly teasing, like when Pinkie was talking about Luna scaring Dash, during the ride to Canterlot. It brought a pang to my heart, especially as they slipped back out of this almost as soon as they'd slipped in.
They may not be broken, but they're fractured in a million different places. I ache for both of them.
...I think I'm broken.
You're not broken.
Oh my gosh. Oh my GOSH. That is so big of Rainbow to say that, it's such a loving and selfless thing for her to say, and my heart can't even handle it. This was the moment when I thought things might be some sort of okay between these two ponies.
But...I mean...I liked you, Pinkie. And I liked Mare Do Well. So...if those are all pieces of you...then once you're put back together, won't we...?
...I don't know how to do that, though.
There's gotta be something. I don't know what, but there's gotta be something we can do. I mean, friends help each other, right? So if you seriously think of yourself as broken, then we gotta fix you up.
...you still want to be my friend?
Duh. This whole thing is pretty messed up, but...I don't want to lose you completely.
I have no words for how emotional this part made me. I just ... I'm sorry, I don't. It's wonderful, though.
You said you liked Pinkie and Mare Do Well. So...so if I find a way to fix myself, do you think...do you think you'd ever...
I don't know if I can answer that right now.
Okay. I understand.
I like this tentativeness, this uncertainty. It would've been way too easy if everything was fixed up all nice and neat. Rainbow's right that this is all way too much to fix in a single night. It's taken them weeks (months?) to get to this point ... it's going to take a long time to rebuild.
Um, want to what?
...Dashie?
Do that.
Can...can we do that again?
Yeah.
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, OH MY GOSH. Can't. Even. Handle. It. *squee!*
So, now that it's been established that Pinkie was in fact Mare Do Well, I feel like it's a good time for me to discuss Pinkie's characterization. I know you're keen on Split Personality Crazy Pinkie and, just to state my biases, I'm pretty strongly not. That's not a criticism of Split Personality Crazy Pinkie, per se--I just wanted to be clear where I'm coming from, so you can take what I say with an appropriately sized grain of salt.
That being said, I think your Split Personality Crazy Pinkie (here and in your other stories, which I WILL review one of these days, finally) is one of the best in the fandom. And there's certainly canon to support this characterization, as "Party of One" attests. Further, I believe Pinkie probably provides the most room for creative interpretation of any of the Mane Six. All of them suffer a bit from being made to display whatever characteristics the writers need them to display in a particular episode, but I think Pinkie is the character the writers write with the least consistency.
In one episode, she'll be fairly lucid and sensitive to her friends' feelings (with Fluttershy in "Griffon the Brush-Off," with Twilight at the end of "Lesson Zero"); in another, she'll be pretty detached from the annoyance of those around her and oblivious to their feelings ("The Last Round-Up," "Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000"). So fanfic writers can legitimately choose which of these qualities they want to play up and which they want to de-emphasize, and I think that's all fair game.
Still, I do wonder if your Pinkie, wonderfully complex and engaging as she is, is a bit too far from the canon Pinkie we know. Pinkie SAYS she usually is happy, but I'm not sure that jives with what we've actually SEEN in the story. Pinkie's been pretty unhappy and miserable for most of the time, and she does seem to have fallen a bit into the "woe, my smile is but a mask for my reservoirs of hidden pain" syndrome that bubbly and cheerful characters are often prone to in fan stories. (And I am, undoubtedly, the pot calling the kettle black at this point. I've done this myself. I'm trying to do it less.) I'm not sure I'd go so far as to say she's OOC, but she does feel notably different than the Pinkie in the show.
But then, so does Rainbow Dash, to a lesser extent. So do all of them. And that's at least partially the whole POINT, I well know. I dunno. Will have to think some more on this.
So much more I should probably say, but I'm still on an adrenaline high from this chapter and the last and not thinking so clearly. Just ... as always, thank you for writing and for sharing this story with all of us. This story, these character, this writing is all absolutely amazing.
Well, one of my most favourite fan fics has finally ended, and with a bang. Very well done on this story, the journey has been a great one. Sad to see it end.
189256
This. MOST of this.
Except the part about writing meaning more to you than any of us. Son, I am beg to differ.
Gotta say, I think Pinkie killed it a bit. I know bronies be going on about how it wasn't about the mystery, it wasn't about "Who is Mare Do Well," but more of an introspective piece--and that's fine, don't get me wrong. I think they're incorrect, but that's my opinion. I loved this story, and the less-than-inspired ending doesn't change that too terribly much. I just would've loved it a heck of a lot more if it had played out like an actual mystery instead of the usual run-of-the-mill PInkieDash fic. And heck, it's not even that I dislike PinkieDash, which is still in my top-5 for favorite pairings. I just think that, in this instance, it would have added a great deal of depth to the narrative if MDW was someone other than Pinkie.
My two bits on that.
Okay, I have to give you credit for one big thing. You answered all my complaints about it being Pinkie - I thought that Pinkie would know better than to risk making Rainbow love *another* mask, but if that wasn't the goal at first, then it makes more sense. That was the big problem that I had with it, and the duality that comes into play here fills it all in.
So while I'm still not sure how I feel about it being Pinkie, I think you did it being Pinkie right for this story. Kudos to you sir, for filling in those plotholes like a pro.
Encore Encore! And Epilogue as well!
Also, their never going to get the stains out of that suit are they?
Steel Resolve, I guess you were right. I was really sure it wasn't Pinkie. I'm actually okay with how it's turning out so far. Hopefully this'll continue to tie up the "Pinkie needs fixing" thing.
Ah, Split Personality Disorder. NOW it all makes sense. OK, not upset or disappointed or anything like that, I'm impressed. As soon as Pinkie put on the mast, her SPD caused her to more or less become yet ANOTHER pony locked away in her head. That's frightening, but it works really well. Bravo!
189536 Anon did a great job throwing us off the scent time and again. It took alot of writing skill to ensure that people would be unsure who it was. For the record, I would have been fine with Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, hell even if it was Rainbow Dash going nuts, as long as there was a final laying out of the cards to explain how the hell that was possible. Pinkie Sense making her afraid of heights is a GREAT explanation, imagine trying to ignore your own body screaming you were gonna fall every time you jumped. This ending kinda reminded me of Fight Club, everything just seems so clear once you figure out the twist.
189256
I'm going to agree on the part that the cop-out was pretty heavy. To be honest, I really didn't care who it was, as long as it wasn't Pinkie. There were no real "favorite ships" to be picked, I just wanted it to be somepony who didn't take up the other half of the story. I read the past ten chapters or so, and I can only hope, "Oh Celestia, please don't be Pinkie", no matter how incredibly obvious it is that MDW really is Pinkie, and then, Chapter 20. Yeah, MDW really is Pinkie.
Anyway, the ellipses in this chapter sort of bothered me. A space is needed after using ellipses. "... ", rather than "..." No big deal, it just sort of bothered me.
Not going to say that Pinkie ruins the whole story. Maybe the last few chapters mean less to me, but I still liked it. Pants-shitting suspense all throughout this fic, and I loved the ride. Let's see how the author decides to close this fic.
And the moral of the story is you can't please every body, but I'm happy. Rainbow Pie is best pie! This is seriously my fave story on this whole site, you sir are a baws. Keep up the good work on this, and any future fics. Imma read them all.
While Pinkie being Mare Do Well was an interesting twist to the story, I can't help but feel like it cheapened a lot of the drama that goes on in the story. The fact that Pinkie was just jealous over a persona, and not another actual pony, kills a lot of the drama that we've read so far.
At the same time though you haven't particularly built anything leading up to the reveal of mare do well being someone else, so...
I have mixed feelings on this.
Throughout the story I haven't been a huge fan of your writing style. Your tendency to tell things in as many words as possible often leaves you reiterating frequently. This is just taken from a list of 32 useful writing rules I have bookmarked, and often reference:
7: If you find you’ve said the same thing more than once, choose the best and cut the rest. Frequently, I see the same idea presented several ways. It’s as if the writer is saying, “The first couple of images might not work, but the third one should do it. If not, maybe all three together will swing it.” The writer is repeating himself. Like this. This is a subtle form of pleonasm.
This leads you to a second rule that is mostly broken because of number 7 being broken:
8: Show, don’t tell. Much vaunted advice, yet rarely heeded. An example: expressing emotion indirectly. Is your preferred reader intelligent? Yes? Then treat them accordingly. Tears were streaming down Lila’s face. She was very sad. Can the second sentence be inferred from the first? In context, let’s hope so. So cut it. If you want to engage your readers, don’t explain everything to them. Show them what’s happening and allow their intelligence to do the rest. And there’s a bonus to this approach. Because movies, of necessity, show rather than tell, this approach to your writing will help when it’s time to begin work on the screenplay adaptation of your novel!
That being said, I find things to criticize in anything. This story was far better than most, and deserving of the 5 stars I gave it (because if I don't give a story like this 5 stars, then I'd probably ever give out 5 stars to anything).
Here's the list of rules I'm talking about if you're interested. They've been an amazing reference guide to keep in mind while I write.