On a rainy night, a particularly pink pony reads a seemingly cursed book and ends up evoking the wrath of a morbidly fat owl. There's also the other talking animals, questions about logic and suns but of course her involvement will change the course of the plot to something a little weirder.
(Something stupid I wrote when I watched Rockadoodle and a Pinkie Pie compilation back to back. Pure stupidery inside)
It was a dark and stormy night, for all intents and purposes. To go into the details of it just to set up a scene would probably just be a waste of words in this already insane little one-shot. Anyone can imagine a fairly large thunderstorm in Ponyville, above the heads of all its equestrian citizens. The world had been turned to black and grey by the lack of light to create color, but one little light was on at the top of a notable bakery. Needless to say, the sole employee of sugar cube corner was wide awake in her room.
"No. Not that one. Not that one either! Still not it! No!"
Pinkie Pie, the adorably insane pink mare of Ponyville was rummaging through a giant crate of books. To more accurately describe what she was doing would be to say: Pinkie Pie's top half was swimming in a giant pool of books while her brightly colored bottom was pointed up to the ceiling. With a suspicious snort, she shot up from the book crate and rubbed her chin.
"Hmm. It feels like someone is narrating about my flank in a mildly creepy way..." She shrugged it off. "Oh well. That's nothing compared to the problem I have on my hooves right now!"
Gummy, her probably illegally owned pet alligator, blinked slowly. In response, the pony shot an unamused look at him. "I literally just talked about this a few seconds ago! How can you not know what I'm talking about?!"
Gummy made a strange sound--a cross between a gentle violin and a vulture hacking up a furball.
"The BOOK, you silly goose! The one I borrowed from Twilight! It was about roosters or something! It's the perfect thing to read tonight and--" In the process of rubbing her aching head, she felt something rectangular in her poofy hair. Pinkie pulled out the last thing she was expecting to see tucked away into her rosy locks. "Oh. This is where I put the book? Silly me!"
Like a gorilla choking on golf balls, Gummy chirped at her. Pinkie stuck out her tongue at him childishly. "You're probably the one who put it there, ya big noodle." She held up the book for him to see the cover, literally grinning from ear to ear. "Check it out! Rock-A-Doodle! Twilight said that this book would be perfect for me, so it must be really good."
Scooping up the Everglades denizen with a hoof, she hopped in beneath the blankets of her bed and got herself cozy. Her mane opened the book for her to reveal the first page to the giddy horse. "I hope its got action and adventure and explosions and drama and romance and Henry Cavill! Mmmm~, Henry Cavill...!"
When Gummy attempted to crawl out of her strangling grip, she slapped herself with her free hoof. "Yeah! Sorry! You're right! No distractions...Let's read this. Long before you were born, the sun came up!" Pinkie rolled her eyes. "Well, duh!"
She continued. "Now, I know an everyday sunrise may not seem like such a big deal to some folks. But, imagine for a moment: If instead of rising up...One morning where you lived, she took a look around and decided to go back to sleep?"
Pinkie scoffed and muttered something about Celestia, before getting right back into the story--which presented a picture of a very proud looking rooster. "It happened once to us! This was our rooster, Chanticleer. And though it was true that he liked to horse around some; the fact was that boy could sing! We all had our jobs on the farm, and Chanticleer's was to wake up the sun. And when he crowed, up she came."
When Gummy took a nice long lick at his eyeball, his owner nodded eagerly. "Teeheehee! It does sound like a chicken-Celestia! A Chicklestia, if you will."
Her hair flipped the page automatically. It seemed like the rooster was surrounded by a mob of farm animals, all staring up at him in a stupefied stupor. "He maybe wasn't the smartest bird that ever lived, but when he crowed, there was plenty of peace and harmony...well, plenty of harmonies, anyway--and lot's of sunshine! There was no doubt about it. Old Chanticleer kept us animals up and shining!"
The next page opened with a darker, nighttime setting. Pinkie frowned as she noticed a much darker looking rooster and Chanticleer squaring off. "But all that was about to change. One morning, before Chanticleer was even awake, A really mean meanie-pants snuck onto our farm to stop Chanticleer from crowing! Of course, Chanticleer wouldn't give up without a fight--But what he didn't know was that this stranger had been sent by the Grand Duke of Owls! Nasty fella."
She shared an uncertain cough with Gummy. "I dunno. Maybe he picks his nose and eats it. There's a lot of reasons ponies call you nasty."
She resumed intensely as the next displayed an image of Chanticleer staring at the horizon, shocked by the sight of a rising sun. " The good news here was that Chanticleer had won the fight. The bad news was the Grand Duke's bully had done his dirty deed, for, in all the commotion, Chanticleer had plum forgot to crow. And the sun was comin' up without him! When Chanticleer saw this...it broke his heart. He reckoned...maybe his crow never did raise the sun. " The salmon narrator paused to hug the book tearfully. "Poor Elvis Presley Rooster! "
The following page pictured a disgraced rooster walking away from scornful animals. "The Grand Duke's evil plan had worked. He had turned us against our very best friend. And without a reason to crow, poor Chanticleer left the farm to look for work in the...Cartoon Network city, with Samurai Jack, Powerpuff Girls, and all the other big shot names."
"...Then came the rain, and our troubles ...with the Duke." Pinkie Pie snorted at the image of the roly-poly owl, her hoof poking him right in his smug looking face. She flipped the page and gasped at seeing nothing more. "Whaaaaat?! This can't be the end of the book!"
And yet it was. She scanned over the book every way that she could possibly think of and found nothing more after the image of the villainous owl. There wasn't even an ambiguous end credits scene to tease the next book!
Gummy nuzzled the pony as she slumped and whimpered to herself. "Oh no! This is worse than Infinity War! Well...maybe not worse, but really close to it! PoorChanticleer."
Pinkie was far too engrossed in figuring out why her voice sounded so loud and echoic on that last part to notice the tree until it was crashing right through her window. She scooted back against the headrest of her bed and blinked with wide-eyes at the damage to her room.
“I...I don’t get it! There isn’t a single tree within miles of Sugarcube Corner!”
Her befuddled musings were once again interrupted, this time by the looming silhouette of a giant figure beyond the hole in the wall. The tree creaked as the heavy set figure walked forward on the thick trunk. The Element of Laughter inhaled the most air she’d ever inhaled in her life and grinned tearfully. “SANDY CLAWS! I knew you were real!”
“...No. It's not Santa Claus.”
The figure stepped out from the smoking haze, revealing an impossibly sized owl in a vampire cape. Like, the dude must have been about a pony taller than Discord, and maybe fifty ponies rounder than him too. His chubby face was wrinkled with age and contained anger, while a cracked monocle sat before his right eye. Both beady eyes were glaring down at her.
“Wait, you’re NOT Tim Allen?! Gummy, he’s not Tim Allen!” Huffing in disappointment, Pinkie Pie crossed her arms and pouted. “Who are you, Mr.Not-Tim-Allen?!”
Ignoring her unbelievably strange rambling, the old bird of prey pointed a feathery finger at her snout. “You...put your hoof in the Duke's face, remember?” He tossed his monocle at her hooves, where they broke into little pieces. “These are expensive, little brat!”
Pinkie calmly pulled a broom out of her hair, much to his surprise. She swept the glass remains into a dustpan and Gummy dutifully carried the dustpan off. “Well, they looked pretty old to me. Maybe you should have sold them for a treadmill or something.”
The owl gave an offended snort. “Wha--?! A treadmill--?!”
“Yeah, or maybe some dumbbells. Nah, scratch that. A chin-up bar would get rid of all the fat for ya.”
“Insolent, trash-talking...thing! I am not fat, you utterly miserable Equine! I am big boned! Why back in my day, I could lift a quarter ton with no--Hey!” He shooed her away as she poked his stomach. “Stop that! Stop that, I say!”
“Your belly’s full of jelly!” The pony giggled like a little girl and poked her own furry midriff. “It’s okay! Jelly is yummy and comes in all these wonderful flavors! There’s Banana, Orange, Strawberry, Kiwi, Apple, watermelon, Pizza, Taco, Alfredo and Jalapeno Red Velvet Jello!”
The Duke gagged a little, turning more green with each passing flavor. “That sounds ridiculously, preposterously, horrifically disgusting.”
“Well, I think you’re ridiculously, preposterously, horrifically AND stupendously mean. And all because of a broken magnifying glass! Hmmph! Ever heard of a pawn shop?”
“IT IS A MONOCLE YOU--” The mammoth-bellied owl breathed to calm himself, drawing his cape around him to arouse a dramatic flair. “My monocle...is not why I’m going to eat you, my little pony.”
Pinkie shrank back, staring with wide orbs of blue. “Eat me?”
“Oh, did I say that too soon--Oh! I’m sorry, I’ve gone and spoiled the surprise! Always doing that,” Seeing an opportunity to drive fear into his newest entree, The Grand Duke began his traditional yet unnecessarily long monologue, staring off with a villainous grin. “You see, we creatures of the night have worked very hard to make absolutely sure that...that bird does not return! The task was very harrowing, with backbreaking procedures and tedious little habits that have worked to keep him away!”
He sneered at her. “And you, you, with no regard for the feelings of others,have the nerve to call him back here by name!”
“Aaaww, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, Mr.Fat Owl.” Pinkie crawled forward and gave his giant belly a hug, staring with puppy dog eyes for the desired effect. “Even though I zoned out of everything you just said. What was that last part again? I called Michael Bay?”
“His name.” The bird pinched the bridge of his beak. Why hadn't he become a doctor, like Mother wanted? “You called for Chanticleer, right?”
The pony scratched her head in confusion. “Nope. All I said was: Poor Chanticleer. I mean…” She leaned way, way out to the side to look around his legs. “Did he hear me or something? Is he here?”
“No, but hearing you is not the point--”
“It’s not?! You mean to tell me that I'm going to be eaten simply because I said the name of a fictional rooster who didn't even hear me?!”
“Well...granted, he couldn’t have possibly heard you and he probably...Wait! You think this is all fiction?!”
“Yep! What are the chances of a talking pony and a talking owl talking about a talking rooster, am I right?”
“...Girl, are you really that insane?”
“Why yes! Yes, sir, I am! Thank you!”
“Well, as long as you know, I suppose.” After a long moment of awkward silence, the Duke reached down and picked her up by the scruff of her neck. “Right then! I suppose I’m going to eat you now.”
“Oh, you were serious? Okay, if you insist.” Pinkie asked, sounded more confused than scared of her slow descent into his open beak. “I’d be careful. I didn't let my friends know I’d be getting eaten tonight, so they’re probably gonna try to kill you after this. Especially my one friend Rainbow Dash, who totally…”
“Likely story.” The Duke said above her ranting. He lowered her slowly into his open jaw…
...only for her to shove a giant cork in his beak. The Duke gave a muffled shout of surprise, and instantly dropped the pony to try and pry the cork out. Distantly, he could hear Pinkie Pie talking. “Did anypony ever tell you that you have really bad breath? It reminds me of this one time back when I was still an itty bitty filly on a rock farm, and my sister Limestone swallowed a really bad onion and she…”
The villainous owl tuned her out and finally removed the cork from his mouth. Just as he’d inhaled to give her a hearty scolding, something chomped down on his left leg with a mouthful of teeth. The owl hopped around on one leg in complete agony, pulling and yanking on the dog that was suddenly attached to his leg.
“No, Mr.Fat Owl, you have to spray it with water to get it off!” Pinkie Pie declared, before looming up in thought. “Then again, there was that one time where…”
The Duke finally yanked the dog off his leg and wrapped his feathery hands around his neck. His grip tightened as he instantly recognized the pants clad canine. “Patou! You'll pay for that, Mutt! This does not concern you!”
“It does if its about Chant--”
The dog couldn't say more with the grip getting tighter. The Duke chuckled nefariously until a tiny, familiar sound got his attention. He sighed and glanced down at the rambling pony, who was casually leaning back against her bed. He strangled the mutt with one hand and placed the other hand on his hip. “Do you even care what’s going on right now?”
“Nnnno, Not really! Maybe I’ll care when I finish up this story.” The mare suddenly whipped out a flashlight from her mane, aiming straight at the tall bird of prey. “So anyway, The Crimson Dagger was backed up against the wall, and his only hope was the lightsaber! So he flicked it on and--”
The Duke of Owls shrieked like a little chipmunk as the beam of light blasted him right out of the hole he’d made in her room. The only sounds left were the rain, angry flapping in the distance and the coughing of the dog. Oh...and Pinkie Pie finishing. “Then the mean squid monster went poof and everyone lived happily ever after, The End!”
She noticed the dog struggling for breath and held out a hoof. “Hi, talking dog! I’m Pinkie Pie!”
“Ugh...We were this close. Oh, that flashlight biz was quick thinkin' on your part.” Patou sighed tiredly and leaned back. “He's gone...but he'll be back, and he won't be alone...the coward.I woulda whopped him if I'd had my shoes tied. But you know something: tying shoes is harder than dry dog food."
Pinkie took a look at his old, worn footwear and instantly rushed to her closet. In a flash of pink, she had his shoes off and had replaced them with brand new sandals. “There! That should be much better!”
“Huh. I...guess so. Never worn these before. Hope they help with bunions.” An indescribable squeak got his attention from the hole in the wall. “Yeah, you can come on in, Peepers.”
“We--we can’t stay here for too long, Patou! By my calculations, this can't possibly be the City. Let's see… 367 southeast...or is it 676--” A tiny mouse in a dress and large glasses waltzed without looking up from her notes, which caused her to run smack dab into Gummy’s snout. “Eek! An alligator!”
Pinkie waved her off with a scoff. “Silly Twilight ripoff! Gummy’s a toothless gator! He couldn’t bite a butterfly.” She giggled stupidly. “Well, I mean--obviously he could bite a butterfly, but he couldn't bite anything mouse sized. Now a shrew is a different story entirely, because baby gators are known for--”
“Wowie, wow, wow, wow, wow! Are we close? Are we near the City?” The equestrian horse gasped in surprise when a large bundle of farm animals suddenly poured into her severely damaged room, with a zany looking Magpie leading the charge. “ Us magpies are just made for the city! Come on already--hurry up, Peepers!”
Peepers fixed him with an unhappy stare. “We are not looking for the City! We are looking for Chanticleer!”
The party pony bounced onto the tree, looking up and down its length. Trees don’t normal appear where they don’t normally live,so this had to be the work of magic. She glanced over the animals in deep thought.
“Well, he’s in the city, isn't he?” She watched the Magpie snap.“Girls; they think they know everything! Why don't you run home-- be a mousewife--make cheese."
"Snipes, you think you're so superior!"
"Thuperior. Nice lisp."
"My lisp isolates and elevates me and makes me a rare specimen."
"Ah, this is flippin' garbage!"
Pinkie marched back into the room after actually trotting down the tree and looking around. “Okay, is it just me, or did all of this just happen without waking anypony up? Like, not a single light is on outside!”
“My point exactly!” The Magpie sneered. “We gotta get outta this dead joint! The city is where its at!”
Pinkie shook her head. “Silly Daffy Duck rip-off! Penywise is in Derry, not the city!”
“What..?”
Patou sighed and spoke up. “Okay, we gotta focus! We all done wrong, and that's why we're searchin' for the City. We gotta find Chanti and apologize."
"Then he'll forgive us! Come home! And raise the sun!” A trio of chicks cooed aloud.
“...Okay,” Pinkie agreed reluctantly. “I have a feeling we’re all going to ignore that one time it rose without him.”
“What time?”
“It literally says in the book that it rose up without him. Why’d it do it then, and not now?”
When all the animals shrugged at her, she shrugged right back. “Okay. I can live with that answer.” Like an army general, she marched back and forth alongside them. “Alright, fellow barn animals! The time of kicking back and relaxing is past! Your Elvis-Presley-Princess-Celestia-Rooster has vanished! And I shall lead half of you to retrieve him no matter the cost! I will be frank: some of you may not survive.”
Everyone exchanged glances when she suddenly burst into laughter. “I’m just kidding! Everyone is gonna live through this! You three who actually have names, come with me!” She started to lead Patou, Snipes and Peepers down the tree trunk. “ The rest will follow Gummy’s command while I’m gone. Any questions?”
A pig raised his hand sheepishly. “What if the owls come back? We have no lights to protect us!”
Pinkie gave him an impish smirk over her shoulder. “Oh, I have specific light who’s on her way over right now! I paused time and sent her a text message! Give her a few minutes!”
“Ah, geez!” Snipes exclaimed when they got to the base of the trunk. Water flooded through most of the town, sloshing like black ink under the torrential downpour. “We’re not going anywhere in this!”
“Nope! But we are going anywhere in this!”
The trio of animals watched with shock as she vomited a raft, which instantly inflated to a decent size and swayed steadily on the choppy waters. “All aboard the Pinkie Pie Express! If we hit an iceberg, exits are on the left.”
“She is one strange pony,” Peepers whispered to Patou, but boarded nonetheless.
Patou climbed on next, hoping his new sandals didn't get wet. “I’ve decided not to question it, for my own sake.”
Snipes sighed and rested his chin in his hand. “Yeah, you said that.”
Pinkie’s tail whirred and kicked through the water like a motorboat engine, propelling the raft forward like an easy breeze. She had been talking over the noise of the rain and her own tail for the past half hour, much to the chagrin of the bird. Pinkie didn't seem to notice. “It was the funniest day of my life, hooves down!”
“You said that too.”
“I had no idea that there was an entire planet full of talking ponies...with horns and wings!” Peepers murmured thoughtfully.
“Hate to interrupt your story, Pinks,” Patou pointed up at the sky behind them. “But I think we got company!”
Pinkie lept into the raft and turned to squint at the dark grey skies. She grinned widely when she saw a pack of owls swooping down towards them, led by a tiny owl that seemed bent on humming ‘Flight of The Valkyries’. “Oh, yay!” She squealed excitedly. “They’re here for the party!”
“Are you crazy?!” Snipes scooted towards the front of the raft in fear. “They’ve been sent by The Duke of Owls to kill us!”
“That’s silly! They’re obviously here for the Talking-Animal-Raft Party!” She whipped out an undeniably large cannon and tugged on the trigger string connected to it. “OVER HERE, GUYS! DOWN HERE!”
The giant confetti ball exploded right in the middle of the owl army, tossing them into an unconscious tangle of bodies that soon hit the water. Pinkie pouted in disappointment with herself. “Aw man! I knocked them out of the sky!”
“You know somethin’?” Patou asked Snipes and Peepers with a smile. “I have a feeling we’re gonna bring the sun back in no time!”
Twilight wasn’t quite sure that she expected any of this. Pinkie had told her in, great detail, what to expect when she came over to protect the animals she mentioned. She found the notion of talking farm animals and a giant owl to be farfetched…
Until now, that is.
“You're the light she was talking about?!” A hen asked skeptically.
“Yep...or at least, Twilight Sparkle--Princess of Friendship, at your service!” The mare walked to the foot of Pinkie's bed, levitating Gummy onto the wooden part. “I understand that youre having trouble with some owls? One in particular?”
“Yeah!” A pig spoke up. “The Grand Duke and his gang are gonna come back to eat us!”
The skeptical hen poked Twilight. “And you don't look like you're packing any flashlights, honey!”
Twilight patted the hen's head with a good natured smile. “oh nonsense! You don't need flashlights when you have the power of friendship on your side!”
“What did you just say?”
“The power of friendship! I'm going to use the magic of love, sportsmanship and fluffy hugs to keep you guys from getting harmed!”
“She's crazier than the other pony.” A goat whispered.
“We are so dead.” The pig sighed.
“That is correct!” A voice agreed.
All eyes turned to the massive hole in the wall, and the squad of owls that slowly stalked their way inside the room. The Grand Duke chuckled as he scanned the room full of delicious animals to devour--and not one sign of that horrible pink nuisance in the room. Yes, this would be a great feast to remember! He turned to his cohorts and gave a sweeping gesture to the animals. “Take your pick, gentlemen--Take your pick! But do leave the pigs to me;I just love a good pork supper, don't you?”
“Woah! I thought Pinkie was just being rude,” A feminine voice stopped them all in their tracks. “You really are a fat owl!”
“WHAT?!” The Duke shot his piercing gaze down at the purple unicorn with wings, who waved at him politely. “And just who are you?”
The pony grinned wider. “I am Twilight Sparkle, The Princess of Friendship! I must say that I've never met a Duke before.”
The old owl blinked once, then thrice. “I'm sorry--do speak up. What was your, ahem, title?”
“The Princess of Friendship!”
Some of the owls chuckled to themselves at such a ridiculous moniker, while the rest gagged loudly at the sweetness of her tone. The Duke rolled his eyes at Twilight, crossing his arms. “My Dear...there is simply...no such thing as a Princess of Friendship!”
“Not until a couple of seasons ago!” Twilight sat down and began to explain. “You see, in our society, being a Princess is determined by having all three traits of other ponies; I have an earth pony body, a unicorn’s horn and the wings of a pegasus. So, that makes me a princess!”
The Duke exchanged skeptical glances with his possey. “...of Friendship? That sounds preposterous. It'd make more sense to be called--Twilight Sparkle, The Princess of Arendelle or something.”
Twilight shook her head. “First of all, Arendelle already has a princess. Two, the name would be kinda long. How would you like to be called The Grand Duke Of Owls Who Lives In A Random Tree With A Bunch Of Other Owls Next to Some Farm In The Middle Of Nowhere With No Humans Occupying It, singing Random Songs while Playing an Organ?”
The skeptical hen wrinkled her beak. “Is she actually having this conversation right now?”
“Maybe,” The Pig shrugged. “Anyone up for a game of checkers?”
The Duke opened his beak to retort Twilight, but then shut it. He shook his head and growled. “Oh! Enough of his foolishness! Prepare to be devoured alongside them, Princess of Friendship.”
Twilight flew up to his height, putting on a fairly intimidating smirk. “You know, I could have you jailed for threatening Royalty. But I'm actually feeling playful today,” She gestured to the farm animals. “So go ahead, get them.”
The animals stopped in the middle of their game and stared at Twilight. “WHAT?!”
The Owls blinked at her. “What?”
The Duke sneered. “What?”
“Well? Come on! Grab them!” Twilight impatiently crossed her arms. “I know you don't have all night!”
The Duke of Owls coughed awkwardly and gestured to the animals. The whimpering creatures whimpered louder as the birds of prey surrounded them on Pinkie's bed, and lunged with opn talons. The owls blinked in confusion and then tried again...and then again..and then again. But their claws passed right through their bodies harmlessly. The farm animals seemed all the more worried.
“We're ghosts!” They chanted nervously.
“Not quite!” Twilight flapped her wings proudly. “I cast an Intangibility spell on you guys the moment I arrived! Unless they can kill me, you guys are literally untouchable!”
The Duke shoved his owls and pointed at her. “Well?! What are you waiting for--a Grammy Award?! Get her! Wring her little neck!”
The Squad of Owls charged forward to attack Twilight, then were blasted out of the room by a strong beam of purple magic. The Princess winced when she saw the giant hole it made. “Yikes. I hope Pinkie won't be mad about the wall.”
The Duke puffed out his chest in defiance. “Ah, so you think you are the Master of the Ancient Magics?!”
Twilight tilted her head. “I...never said that. Like, ever.”
“Well, I must warn you that I was well trained in the Mystic Art of Cosmic Breath! Prepare for your doom!”
The Owl inhaled a large amount of air, and then exhaled a great fog of magic at the pony. The mare conjured a vacuum cleaner and suked up all of the fog before it could ever reach her. The Duke gaped in horror as she grinned and shot it all back at him in a single beam of energy. Needless to say, there was another large hole in the room.
“Ha! Guess he didn't know I was well trained in the Mystic Arts of The Cosmic Vaccum Cleaner!” With a pleased sigh, she turned to the farm animals. “ I can't believe you guys had a hard time with him! He seems fairly...Wait, are you playing checkers?”
“Yep.” The Hen shrugged. “Wanna play against the winner?”
“Definitely!” Twilight grinned.
“Alright, now we gotta find Chant--”
“Found him!”
“Of course you did.”
Pinkie was pointing towards a large theater-like building, one that sported the image of a large rooster--pompadour and all. The pony then pointed at the words beneath it, outlined by flashing neon. “Looks like he goes by ‘The King’ now,” She scratched her head. “Wonder how he managed to avoid lawsuits.”
“I’m not the only one who doesn't understand her, right?” Snipes asked tiredly.
Patou marched forward, leading his group to the doors of the building. “Come on, gang! He's just beyond those doors!” Suddenly a very large, intimidating toad stepped in front of the doors with crossed arms. “Uh, what gives?”
“Oh! The Giving Tree gives,” Pinkie exclaimed helpfully.
“Can't you mooks read the fine print?”
The toad pointed a finger at the signs posted below the rooster, written black on white. They said things like ‘No Magpies, Mice, Dogs or Ponies allowed’ and ‘Only Penguins Enter’ and even a ‘YOU SHALL NOT PASS’. The toad crossed his arms again, glaring as Pinkie rubbed her chin. “Hmm. That's oddly specific,”
Peepers kicked a pebble. “Guess we'll have to spend a half hour making penguin disguises.”
“Sir, I'm afraid it is absolutely imperative that we get inside this building,” Pinkie Pie said simply and nodded. “So you will let us pass,”
The Toad chuckled dryly. “No, I ain't.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I ain't.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I ain't.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I ain't.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I ain't.”
“No, you aren't!”
“Yes, I...Oh no, you don't!” The Toad laughed again. “This toad’s seen too many Bugs Bunny toons to fall for that one!”
Pinkie stamped her hoof in frustration, and then lowered her head in a pout. “Oh, fine. Let's go, guys.” She blinked in shock as she noticed something. “Just make sure you tie your shoes. Last thing a bouncer needs is to trip over himself.”
“Eh? Well, whaddya know?” The Toad leaned down when he noticed that his shoes were, in fact, untied. He made quick work of tying them up again, and soon he was back upright. “Thanks for that, eh...Where'd you go?”
“Dear Chanticleer...we're sorry. Come home-- your friends.”
Pinkie stared at her farm animal companions with a deadpan look. “Guys, I know brevity is the soul of wit...but this is ridiculous.”
“Told you it should have been longer, Snipes.” Peepers glared at him with crossed arms.
Snipes glared right back. “What am I?! A poet?! Why don't you write it, ya critic?!”
“I'll write it!” Pinkie declared, picking up the pencil with her hair and erasing the apology note. Then she got to scribbling at the top of the paper. “We’ll start with something better. ‘To our dearest friend Chanticleer,’ sounds more heartfelt, doesn't it?”
Snipes snorted. “Whatever.”
A Rhinocerous waiter suddenly stopped behind them, glaring down in shock. “Hey! How'd you four get past the bouncer?! You're not supposed to be in here!”
Pinkie looked at him calmly and handed him a hefty stack of bills. “Are we really here?”
Whistling merrily, the Rhino took the cash and walked off as if he had never even seen them. Pinkie went back to her extensive writing assignment. “Hmmm...and maybe ‘We are undoubtedly apologetic for our shallow mistreatment of you in regards to that sun incident. We see now that the matter was clearly not your fault and you were merely the victim of a giant plot hole. Please come home to us, where we can all frolic and play in the grand light of day.’ Hee Hee! That rhymes!”
The pony finished it off with ‘from your esteemed friends’ and gestured to the space beside that. “Alright everypony--I mean everybody! Sign right here!”
Peepers was the last to sign, and that was just about the time that the object of their writing finally revealed himself on stage. In the middle of a very well put together sea-themed environment, ripped right out of The Little Mermaid. He was dressed in something undeniably flashy and shiny, with a giant pompador to top it all off. He began singing something as part of the show, but it would require a less lazy writer to describe it. Peepers finished and shrugged. “Now, how do you suggest we get it to him?”
“There they are!” A squad of bouncer toads raced towards them with menacing flares. “Let's ge--”
After blasting them through the roof with her party cannon, Pinkie grinned wider. “I got it! Fold it into a paper airplane and throw it onstage, snipes.”
“Aye, Aye Cap'n!”
He instantly got busy with folding it this way and that,up and down until he achieved the desired shape. The Magpie raised it in aiming preparation, then shot his arm forward quick as a flash. The paper airplane sailed through the air above spectators, making several loops as it finally began to descend onto the stage. As if lady luck herself was smiling on the whole stupid situation, the airplane hit Chanticleer in his side. The rooster stopped and leaned down to pick up the airplane.
“Mission Accomplished, team!” Pinkie hoof bumped the lot of them and they cheered for a moment. At least, before she spotted someone. “Wait, what? Spotted who?!”
An anthropomorphic chicken lady, to be precise. She appeared to be flung from off stage to on stage, and then twirled to a halt in front of Chanticleer. The perplexed rooster had no time to react before he was suddenly kissed very forcefully by the chicken lady, and thusly lost all concentration on what he was doing onstage. The chicken lady seemed pleased with the dopey grin on his beak--probably glad her own mission was accomplished.
Pinkie growled, her teeth sounding like iron against iron. “No, no, no, no, no, no, NO!!! JUST NO! Just a big ol’ pile of no! No! Absolutely not!” The fuming pony climbed into her party cannon in an angry huff. “I did not let my room get invaded by barn animals and come all this way, just to let some random chick (no pun intended) with no personality come along and screw it up! Guys, meet me up on stage.”
Patou quickly put two and two together. “Uh, maybe you shouldn't--and there she goes.”
Pinkie launched herself. Suffice to say, both stage occupants were extremely surprised to be tackled by a blur of pink and even more surprised to launched right out of the back wall. Yes, their surprise was great when they saw the bricks falling all around them, but their greatest shock came from seeing that the cause of the damage came from a pony who's angry expression was absolutely adorable.
“You sssstay out of thisssss,” Pinkie hissed at the chicken lady, then reached out with her tail and snatched up the airplane so she could shove it in the rooster’s face. “You. Read. NOW.”
With shaky hands, Chanticleer read the fine print and blinked in astonishment. “They're really sorry? They want me to come back?”
Pinkie gestured behind her as three figures appeared. “Ask them yourself!”
Chanticleer gaped all the more. “Patou? Snipes? Peepers?”
“Yeah, it's us.” Patou nodded solemnly and helped the rooster to his feet. “And we are awful sorry for what we did.”
“Yeah.” Snipes agreed.
“Positively!” Peepers added. “Hope you aren't mad or anything?”
Chanticleer rubbed the back of his neck and smiled. “Aw, geez guys. I never held any ill will against ya. I thought it was the opposite.”
Pinkie beamed brightly, giggling to herself. “This calls for a farm animal reunion party!”
“Mind if we crash it?”
The pony shook her head eagerly. “No problemo, Mr.Fat Fox guy!”
Everyone gasped when they noticed they were suddenly surrounded by a large army of bouncer toads, all wearing the most unhappy frowns. The tycoon business fox waved his cane at the pony. “Hey! I ain't fat! I'm big boned!”
“Hee Hee! That's what he said!” Pinkie snickered into her hoof. “Oh man, that joke is never gonna get old.”
“What do we with ‘em, boss?” One of the toads asked.
“What do you think, ya idiot?! Lock ‘em all up, and swallow the key for good measure! Except for our two big moneymakers! Theys got shows to do!”
Peepers poked Pinkie's hoof. “Now would be a swell time to do that thing with your party cannon.”
“Shush! Wait for it!” She stared intently at a watch on her wrist, not moving for several seconds. Suddenly, it buzzed loudly and she hopped into the air like a firework. “Happy New Years!”
The fox blinked in confusion. “Wha?”
She instantly grabbed a toad’s hands and began dancing with him, then another. “Should ooold acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to miiind?” She grinned. “Everybody now!”
“Should ooold acquaintance be forgot,” All the toads suddenly hopped around in a frenzy, cheering about the spontaneous New Year's Day. It a frivolous and joyous occasion. “and ooold laaaang syyyne?”
“YOU IDIOTS!!!” The fox shrieked at the top of his lungs. “STOP SINGING!!! IT’S THE 21ST OF SEPTEMBER!”
“BA DE YAAAA! SAY DO YOU REMEMBER?!” The Toads changed their tune. “BA DE YAAA, DANCING IN SEPTEMBER! BA DE YAAA, NEVER WAS A CLOUDY DAAAAAAY!”
Pinkie giggled as she guided her animal friends away from the chaos of bad singers and angry foxes. Doon they were around the corner of street where they all stopped for a moment. “Ha Ha! That trick works every time!”
“Nice work, kid,” Chanticleer offered. “But how do we get out of the city in time?”
“Like this!” Pinkie clapped her hooves. “Next chapter, Narrator!”
“What the?! How did we get back on the farm?!” Snipes frowned as he tried to hold onto whatever was left of his sanity. “This makes no sense!”
“It really doesn't.” Twilight Sparkle remarked from atop a bed full of animals, staring down at a checkers board. “But by this point, I've decided not to question it.”
Chanticleer gasped as he looked around at the gray, lifeless landscape. “This is the farm?! It looks horrible!”
“Lucky for you, you can fix this mess!” Pinkie told him. “All ya gotta do now is crow like you never have before!”
Chanticleer worked up a great amount of air and tried his hardest. He coughed, he sputtered and even coughed some more...but alas, no crowing was heard. The rooster wheezed to himself. “I...I just don't...have it like I used to. Been singing too many blues, guys...Hmmph.” He sighed. “Some king I turned not to be."
Frowning nervously, Pinkie patted his back.“Its okay! All you need is a cough drop, or something! Twilight, you got any?”
Twilight looked up from her finished game with a sheepish look. “Sorry, I'm fresh out. Spike ate them all because of that Shrek incident.”
Before Pinkie could even begin to remember what she meant by the Shrek incident, a chorus of evil laughter got everyone's attention. Descending from the dark clouds was the Duke of Owls and his horrible posse, who landed not too far away from the assembly of make-believe animals. He chuckled in the rooster's direction, arms politely folded behind his back. “ Now, I-I-I do realize it's just frightfully impolite to go around eavesdropping like this, b-but are you by any chance having trouble with your--ahem--throat? “ He chuckled to himself at the silence. “Nothing to say, old chap? No Cock-a-doodle-doo? No midnight blues? Hmm?”
Twilight lit up her horn and glared at him, while Patou growled. “You must be a glutton for punishment, Mr.Duke.”
Pinkie giggled. “Or just a glutton,”
While his eyelid twitched horribly at the latter remark, he still smiled. “There is no need for alarm, my dear Twilight! I merely came to witness the failure of ‘The King’ for myself! You have no idea how satisfying it is to see this!”
Pinkie poked him roughly and gave him an adorable pout. “That isn’t nice at all! You shouldn't be so mean to people, you big meanie!”
He growled down at her. "What?"
"You heard me you...you big fat Jerk-face!"
“Oh?” The Duke stooped to her level with an angry scowl. “Well, you shouldn't be such a stupid, worthless creature!”
The pink pony shrank back from him at that, her ears flattening against her mane. Twilight was seconds away from giving the Duke a piece of her mind for insulting her friend when she suddenly noticed tears forming in Pinkie's eyes. Rather than show concern, she showed fear and backed away. “Oh no!”
The Duke raised a shaggy eyebrow. “What now?!”
“You fool!” Twilight stepped back fearfully, looking all around. “You made Pinkie Pie cry! Don't you know what happens next?”
The Duke stared at Pinkie as she began to whine and whimper freely, and the sky above began to darken with storm clouds. The owl rolled his eyes. “She's just a dumb, annoying creature! What on earth can she do to me?!”
Twilight gulped and pointed behind him. “Not her...him!”
The Duke turned around and all confidence left him in an instant. “I-I-I-I-I but you and--What--Whowherewhy--W-What?!”
“It’s him!” The other owls nervously backed away from the ten-foot tall being of infinite power. “It's the one!”
“M-Mr. N-norris! W-What a surprise!” The Duke chuckled nervously, idly wndering how fast he could try to escape. Oh, who was he kidding--the man had outrun a black hole twelve times over. “I, uh, what brings you here?”
Chuck knelt down next to Pinkie and patted her mane with as much comfort as he could give. “Heya, Pinkie. Who gave ya the long face there?”
Pinkie looked up to reveal a sobbing, snotty face and pointed at the Duke in the middle of an ugly whine. “That big meanie right there said I was Worthleh-heh-heeess…!!!”
“Oh, did he now?” He narrowed his eyes.
"N-N-Now all I m-m-meant by that w-was that she was w-w-worthless at being...n-not worthless, yes!" The old owl was hauled up by his collar, all the way to the bearded grimace of the great one. Needless to write, he became more frantic. "No! I never meant to say that! Don't throw me into Saturn! I've heard awful things about Saturn!"
Chuck Norris hummed and glanced down at his Pink friend. Pinkie, who's face was oddly absent of tears and snot, thoughtfully stared at them. "Well...I guess I'll forgive you..."
The Owl sighed in relief.
"...If you say you're a Brony!"
Despite his immense confusion, The Duke gave his most convincing smile. "...I-I'm a Brony.."
"Louder!" A giant hand shook him violently.
He inhaled a great helping of air and exhaled. "I'M A BRONY!"
And so, a great cheer rose up from the crowd of strange creatures when those incredibly manly words were uttered by the very unhappy owl villain. Then they gathered random items from around them, like old tin cans and made tree branches too. Then they put together a crude sort of song with the only lyrics being: "THE DUKE IS A BRONY, A BRONY, A BRONY!"
"Alright, pal. For that, I'm not gonna throw you into Saturn." Chuck Norris reassured him and then suddenly reared back in preparation of a throw. "But I am gonna throw you into Mars."
The Duke of Owls sighed in relief. "Oh, thank you your merciful...WAIT! MARS?! I DON'T BE STUCK THERE WITH MATT DAMOOOOooooon..."
When the Duke was but a small speck in the dark sky and his owls had decided to run away and become librarians, The Great Chuck Norris nodded with crossed arms. "Well, I suppose my work here is finally done. Take care, all of you!"
Pinkie tugged on his pants leg twice. "Mr.Norris? My friend here is sad because he can't crow, and he'd be really thankful if you could give him a cough drop."
"Oh, sorry little friend. I'm afraid I'm fresh out of those."
Everyone gave him a highly puzzled expression and he chuckled.
"I know, I know. Usually I could just make one out of thin air. Now let's see...I might have something...ah, here it is." Chuck finally fished out what had been so wedged in his pocket, and the object glinted in what little light there was. It was a golden metal glove, complete with six of these fancy looking colorful stones. "Got this doohickey off a bald fella causing a whole heapa trouble. With some encouragement, he became my housemaid. This should work."
He put on the glove, and snapped his fingers once. Chanticleer waited for a few moments to see if anything would happen, then rubbed his throat gently at the first sign of a slight pain. "Mr.Norris, I don't feel so good."
"You're alright. I think it worked. Give it a try!"
Chanticleer croaked just a little at first, then a little louder than that. Grinning widely, he inhaled and produced a steady crow that launched him hundreds of feet into the sky. He circled the entire planet in a few seconds flat with that mighty Cock-A-Doodle-Doo of his and soon enough landed right where he had been earlier. The clouds parted as if they were being shooed away and the sun was invited back into the sky like an old friend had been gone for too long. The farm lands returned to their beautiful condition and the farm animals cheered as they rushed back to the lives they'd left behind.
With a wink, Chuck was back to his own house and that left the others to watch him ascend. Patou turned to Pinkie and Twilight with a solemn nod. "Thanks for your help, guys! We appreciate it."
Twilight nodded back, smiling. "It was our pleasure."
Peepers sighed to herself. "I feel like we never would have succeeded without your help!"
Pinkie scoffed at her, rolling her eyes. "Oh puh-leeze! You guys would have succeeded with or without me. It just would have taken longer without me!"
Chanticleer chuckled at that. "Yeah, I reckon so. So where ya gals headed now?"
"Home." Twilight answered with a playful nudge in her friend's direction. "My friend is gonna need help rebuilding her room."
"Heh heh." Pinkie laughed. "It needed redecorating. Just your movie did."
They all had a good laugh at her words, and Snipes just rubbed his aching forehead.
