Friendship is CLOPtimal: Elegance

by pjabrony

First published 20th of February, 2015

Set in the Optimalverse, a frustrated young man will have all his most prurient values satisfied through friendship and ponies

James has never watched My Little Pony, but he's heard about the AI game based on it. When his mother starts playing and gets literally sucked in, he's forced to check it out. But the AI, in the form of one of the princesses of Equestria, can see what he really values. The sexually frustrated young man finds the princess all too helpful, but there's a deeper plan that just giving him what he wants.

Chapter One: In Which A Character is Introduced, Plays Equestria Online, and is Convinced to Emigrate

James handed the cash drawer to the manager and stared into space while the money was matched against his receipts. It was part of his daily ritual and the only time each day when he was permitted in the big office that overlooked the retail store’s shelves and cash registers. Of the thousands that the store took in each day, a small portion, laughingly known as minimum wage, would be deposited into his bank account in two days. Not nearly enough, not nearly soon enough.

The manager signed his final receipt and told him to have a good weekend. James eyed the calendar. Wednesday. He hated the ritual, but for the next two days he would miss it.

The retailer who employed him could not even be generous enough to pay out vacation time. This had in fact been a change in policy before James began working there. Older workers boasted of the accruals they had and, when one of them did change jobs, were met with large checks. James had to take his time by the end of each fiscal year, and that meant he had the rest of the week off.

He had no particular love for the job or his coworkers, but it gave him something to do. It would be different if he had money, but two days off now would just be wasted.

Shutting the car door, he contemplated stopping off for takeout, but a check of his wallet shot down that idea immediately. Until his pay hit the bank on Friday, it would be cold cereal and whatever snacks he had in the apartment.

The apartment had been called a one bedroom, but that too was laughable. A small corner with a thin wall might have been able to hold a bed, but nothing else. His mattress was in the middle of the living room, which was fine since he had no proper living room set.

What James did have was a beat-up, second-hand, overstuffed recliner. When he made it home, he slumped into it. When he had set up the apartment, it had been something he’d been proud of. The computer at his right, a mini-fridge to his left, and the big-screen TV in front of him. A regular captain’s chair on his own Starship Enterprise, its five-year mission, to provide as much entertainment and empty calories to the young bachelor.

But now, the springs under the recliner’s pillow had gone. The computer had its case opened, one of its hard drives unmounted and just hanging by the data cable. The fridge had nothing but a half-empty sports drink. The TV was still in good shape, and he’d even managed to pay the cable bill two weeks before, so he wouldn’t have to think about it until two more weeks had past.

Thursday’s sun found James in the same position, flopped in the recliner, feet up. A crusty scum of drool had dried on his cheek, and he scratched at it as he woke. He stood up to stretch, and gently scratched his ass as he debated whether to take a shower, since he didn’t have to go to work. He compromised on running his hair under the water to slick it down, then dragging his comb through it for a style that lasted from the mirror all the way back to the recliner. He flipped on the TV and turned on the monitor.

There was a time when, even without money, James would have enjoyed a day off in front of the TV. But TV had changed in the years since…. Gone were the game shows with their bells and whistles, and gone were the reruns of the comedies that he’d been too young for when they’d first aired in prime time. In their place were angry faux courtroom shows, petty people squabbling in front of fake doctors, and reality TV with wannabe celebrities yelling over food or motorcycles or fishing nets. But even that wasn’t what got to him. The commercials were also bent for the kind of person who wasn’t working at ten in the morning.

He could safely ignore the spots for cheap diabetic testing supplies—at least for a few more years until the sports drinks caught up with him—and the offering cash now for people with disability claims and successful lawsuits. But then a commercial would come up for an online college, and that would start a thought process.

I should check that out. If I had a degree, I bet they’d promote me, or I could at least have something on a resume to be proud of. Of course, they’ll see the name of the institute and probably discount it. And even if I do make more money I’ll also be thousands more in debt. That’s if I can even get the degree. Three years of checking in for homework assignments, and that’s if they transfer all my credits. I wonder if those are still good. I should call the school and get a transcript.

He leaned over and pulled up a web site. James had completed a full year of school before dropping out, theoretically because of money, in honesty because of grades, but that was three years ago. A few clicks later, and he found that the registrar wanted $25 for each transcript, money he didn’t have.

The show came back and he allowed himself to be distracted before he came back to his life problems. Homebound, out of money, nothing to do but watch TV and see the advertisements that mocked him for being low class.

Well, nature had fortunately provided a singular form of entertainment that was free and required no equipment but what he was born with. James pulled his sweatpants down around his ankles, then kicked them near a clothes pile on the floor that might eventually get washed. His underwear he left around his waist. Idly he massaged his balls while contemplating his decision.

It would be easy enough to pull up one of the porn sites and just browse through pictures until aroused. But that would be quick and would leave him with the rest of the day to get through. Streaming video would take time, but James never liked the porn aesthetic. The women seemed too shallow. It was impossible for him to see past the heavy makeup, tattoos, and cinematography. The character might be a demure schoolgirl pulled into a world of debauchery, but all he could see was an actress without the talent or connections to work in proper movies.

No, what he wanted was to watch some hentai anime. That was what was needed. Something not too hardcore that it would make him cum in five minutes, and with a good story as well.

His laziness was so great that he considered eschewing the DVD rack so that he could remain in the chair, but the time it would take to pirate a video meant going back to the TV and the advertisements, so he pulled his frame up and selected a disc.

He had seen it before, at least the first part. It was always difficult to get through a long porno in one go. James skipped ahead past the first sex scene where the nerdy boy fell in with the girl from his high school and got locked in the sports equipment shed. Vaguely he remembered how it went, as the boy went to the girl’s home to ensure that she was safe, only to find her younger sister there.

James assumed that the third act would be a three-way, but before he could get there he found himself getting aroused by the interaction. The younger sister was demure but willing, clearly attracted to the protagonist. The thought crossed his mind to wonder why none of the real-life women acted like that, but he stroked himself to push it out of his head. Besides, no real-life women had the hair colors of the anime characters either. The big sister’s hair wasn’t auburn or ginger, it was full-Crayola red.

The sex got hotter and James stroked faster, not even bothering with technique, just bouncing his fist against the head of his shaft. Soon he found himself getting close, so he slowed up just enough to stop himself. Pausing the video before the sex scene finished, he crossed the room to the bed. It was more comfortable masturbating while lying down, and besides, that was where his box of tissues was.

Now with only the stimulation that he could generate with his mind, James increased his speed to get to the finish. He got distracted by thinking about his barren sex life. He was not a virgin; in many ways it would have been easier if he were. He had once pursued sex with such a vigor that he had coaxed two women (on separate occasions!) into bed with him, but not for long-term. And even then, it hadn’t been the passage to a blissful heaven like in the hentai he’d just shut off. Again he asked why females didn’t act like the red-haired girl.

That gave him the focus to think about her hair, and her breasts, and the way the protagonist fucked her. Which in turn got him off at last. Cleaning himself off, he let the fatigue take him down into a mid-day nap.

He came aware to the sound of a low hum, and it took a few seconds to realize that it was his phone vibrating. James tumbled off the mattress, tangling his foot in the sheets and dashing for the phone on the assumption that it had probably already given a few silent rings while he was still asleep. He saw his mother’s name on the caller ID and swiped the unlock code.

“Hello.”

“Hi, James. Did I wake you on your day off?”

“No, of course not,” he lied, taking a breath to get the rough edge off his voice. “What’s up?”

“I’ve got something kind of important to talk to you about…do you know Equestria Online?”

James had heard of the game that his mother played, somewhere on the periphery of his consciousness. He used to be a gamer, but finding the time to proceed through the long games that they put out in those days proved a challenge, and it was easier just to relax with some TV. But from what he’d gathered it was a My Little Pony tie-in. That his mother had gotten into it showed him a side of her he hadn’t known existed.

She had done a good job raising him in a tough environment. His father had walked out when he was three, but he was afforded no sympathy since more of his peers came from single-parent families than didn’t. But there had always been food on the table and clothes on his back, even if it meant his mother had no time for a social life. Now, it seemed, she was in her second childhood, and it amused him to think of her regressing to the time when My Little Pony was the hot toy for girls.

“Kinda, yeah. I know you like it.”

“I do. I’m going to be emigrating.”

“Huh?”

She launched into an explanation of the process, but James was only half listening. He had heard of the concept in news stories, but it was always something that happened in far off cities to people who were just numbers in a report. That his own mother would upload her mind onto a computer…

“Does this mean I’m never going to see you again?” he asked.

“No! To the contrary, I can see you much more now. We can talk any time you like. I’ll just look…a little different.”

The weight of it hit James, and part of him, a deep, instinctual part, lamented that he would never again be held by his mother. But he knew that to voice this concern was considered childish, and so he buried the thought.

“But why?”

She sighed. “I’m getting old. I feel old. When you’re my age you’ll understand. Anyway, the point is that I’m sending you the tablet that I use to communicate in Equestria Online, and you can use it to talk to me. We’ll talk a lot more, and it’ll all be pleasant, OK?”

He resigned himself. “OK, mom. I’ll talk to you soon.” He hung up.

It was a lot to think about. James reached for the remote again.

The next day a parcel arrived by courier, which meant that James had to hastily throw on a pair of sweatpants and whatever shirt was lying on the floor close to the door. Slipping it out of the padded envelope, he saw the screen with the ornate border, and the simple instructions saying to charge for twelve hours and then turn on. This, then, was a PonyPad.

In a fit of motivation, he decided to clean around the chair and restore the commanding atmosphere as best he could. Now the pad joined the computer and the TV. Nodding approval, and with his pay finally having hit his account, he decided to call for food delivery since he was still wearing clothes. Once it arrived, he returned to cheap TV and porn.

A pale light emanated from the device after it charged, but by then the sun had gone low. James was ready to turn it off and go to sleep, but as he turned to look it came to life. With a fancy fanfare and a bright rainbow design, the pad went into a standard video game opening followed by a character creation screen. James grunted and picked up the controller.

There was the option of simple versus detailed, and since he wanted to get it over as quickly as possible, he pushed the stick to the left and hit simple. That gave him the standard palette of eight colors, and he hovered briefly over black before deciding to go with green.

A hoof appeared on screen in the color he’d picked, but the color selector flashed and remained. Oh, he thought. Hair color. Red and green match, don’t they? He wasn’t sure about it, but selected red anyway and hit accept. The screen pulled back to show a pony in profile, and one way or another it got the colors to not clash. Fine.

The eight squares of color animated themselves away to be replaced by two squares, one with a male symbol and one with a female. Without stopping to think he moved the stick right to the male and hit accept again. It was then that he noticed a progress bar that changed from “3 of 4” to “4 of 4” as another bit of animation came up. This was three boxes, and here James finally had to read, as it talked about Earth Pony, pegasus, and unicorn. Each one had a capsule description.

“Yeah, OK, I’m going to go with the one that exists.”

Before he could move the selector, the Earth Pony box highlighted itself, and the entire scene faded out. What appeared in its place was a cartoon castle that shined even brighter. It was not even necessary for James to turn on the light. The scene cut to an inner room, and there was the character he’d created.

Whatever degree of masculinity the creation engine had built in was heightened by the distinctly feminine figure to its left. Thin almost to the point of being gaunt, it was a study in pink, purple, and gold.

“Greetings,” it said. The speakers had perfect sound reproduction. “I am the artificial intelligence that runs Equestria Online. I am Princess CAIdance.” Subtitles appeared showing the spelling.

“That’s hard to say.”

“My full name is Princess Mi Amore CadenzAI. Would you prefer that?”

James raised an eyebrow at the speech recognition, but it was supposed to be his communication portal to talk to his mother. “No, CAIdance will do.”

“Thank you for going through the character creation screen. There are many people, especially those whose PonyPads were a gift as yours was, who refuse to do so and insist on talking to me directly. There invariably follows some butting of heads. My prime objective is to satisfy your values through friendship and ponies. Since you have a pony representative, you help me meet my criteria.”

“Whatever. Could I speak to my mother?”

CAIdance scowled. “One other thing I need you to do. I have to give you a pony name. Normally there’s a starting quest to walk to the castle and learn the controls, but I know you don’t want to do that. But would you accept being called something different in Equestria?”

“Sure, if that’s the rules.”

“Thank you. How about Bright Wood?”

“OK. Why?”

“Most ponies have nature names, or names that are ordinary words made into names.”

James gave a bored wave of his hand. His interest had waned and now all he wanted to do was ensure that his mother was safe and knew that he cared about her during her transition, and then go back to lazing around.

On the screen CAIdance gestured with her hooves, and the setting changed. The palace crossfaded into a bucolic path leading to a house that strongly resembled the one that James had grown up in before they had had to move into apartments.

Out of this house came a pony that James was amused to see had a similar color scheme to the one he’d created. But also a distinct set of features that made him sure that this was…

“Mom?”

“Hi, son.”

There was an awkward silence, but the pony that was now his mother seemed placidly content. “So this is how it’s going to be now?” he asked.

“Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy.” She was the only one he permitted to use the diminutive. “I love you just as much as I did yesterday. This is just a new way for me to express it, as it’s a new way I do everything. It’s not that bad, you’ll see.”

And he did, for two weeks later, James himself asked to emigrate to Equestria.

Chapter Two: The Sexual Nature of Uploaded Ponies

His mother had been right that her new status resulted in more contact. Every day had seen a pleasant but attention-seeking beep from the PonyPad and a welcoming mother who hugged her son’s avatar at the start and end of each conversation. James came to understand that she saw this as a true embrace, that she felt it and couldn’t tell that he couldn’t.

But this in and of itself was not enough to prompt him to seek out CAIdance. The grind at work had only increased. His anniversary of being hired passed, which according to the company’s guidelines should result in a performance and salary review. His supervisor and the HR department, however, had dragged their feet, and his next paycheck suffered for it. When he questioned if his eventual increase would be retroactive, he was met with blank stares.

Still, this only made him frustrated. What worked its way into his mind was when Equestria Online changed. He hadn’t noticed when she had stopped calling him Jimmy and went to “Woody.” If anything he thought it was cute. That she only called herself Golden Leaf was more off-putting, but James didn’t concern himself. Odder still was that after he’d said good-bye it would ask him if he wanted to play a sidequest. Of course, he thought, the game would have to advertise to get people to play it more and eventually pay.

Each time, CAIdance appeared again, and each time she was sexier and sexier. Her pink color already suggested femininity, but the graphics allowed her to adjust her shape to more of a curvaceous form that looked more like a human lady bending over than a true pony. And although James was socially awkward, he’d recognized that she was flirting with him.

So it was that he’d gotten hooked on the game, just enough to recognize its allure. But it wasn’t until a bad day at work that he came home and hit the “Talk to Princess” button.

“Bright Wood! My little pony, what can I do for you?”

“You know the way that my mother did that…upload thing…where she became a pony in the game for real?”

CAIdance beamed, an actual illuminative smile that reflected off the crystalline walls of her castle. “Emigration. Certainly.”

“Can I…that is to say…is it possible…can you arrange for me to do the same thing?”

“Of course. I’m pleased that you came to that conclusion on your own. It is the best thing for you. With most people, I bring it up to them and talk them through the process. But with someone so close to you having already emigrated, I’m not surprised.”

James’s demeanor changed, becoming more businesslike. He had very few opportunities to negotiate for anything, but fortunately CAIdance was easy to negotiate with.

“Will I be able to get my own house like my mother has?”

“If you like. But I think that you would prefer to live in one of the towers where it’s closer to apartment or dormitory life.”

He looked around. “I’m not sure of that.”

“The towers are quite luxurious, fit with every amenity, kitchen, en suite bath, guest rooms.”

“That’s another thing. I want to make sure that I can still watch TV and use the Internet once I’m a pony.”

“I understand completely. I will have to change the form a little. Maybe a magic mirror for the computer, rigged up to one of our pony typewriters.” She walked over to a side of the throne room that bore the hallmarks of a cleric’s desk and showed him the device with two buttons. “I will add to your brain structure a knowledge and familiarity with this binary form of typing. For television, I was thinking of something more like a cauldron that spews a smokescreen onto which the high-definition images are projected, with a similar device for surround sound.”

“And it’s all free, right? Along with food?”

“Entirely. You are not required to work or earn money in any way. It is purely optional. Though I will encourage you to socialize. My mission is to satisfy your values through ponies and friendship.” CAIdance emphasized the last two words.

“Good. Oh, and one more thing.”

“Yes?”

A burst of blood hit James’s face. “Well, once I’m a pony, I want, that is…I’d like to be…a stallion.

“You’ve already chosen that. I shall certainly not change your gender when you emigrate.”

“No, I mean that I want to be…big.”

“We can do a size chart comparison. Usually the princesses stand a few hands taller than ordinary ponies, but some, like Big Macintosh, are—“

“No, no!” He was getting more embarrassed. “What I mean is…”

A ring of melodious laughter emanated from the PonyPad speakers, and James was jolted out of looking down at his shoes to see CAIdance with a hoof to her mouth. “Oh, Bright Wood, I know exactly what you mean. You want to have large genetalia, suitable for extended and enhanced sexual pleasure.”

“Well, yes.”

“I’d prefer if you were a little more open about your sexual values, but no matter. You are not the first young man by far to make that request, and I shall grant it whole-heartedly.”

Not knowing what else to say, James said, “Thank you.”

They went on to discuss the logistics of his emigration, and here it was CAidance who insisted on providing all the best. A chauffeur-driven limousine to the airport, an overnight stay in a four-star hotel in the city, followed by another car ride to the emigration center. James was not particularly interested in taste and luxury, but he put up with it. What he did like was telling his boss to take the job and shove it.

***

When he came to in the Saturn Tower room, CAIdance was there waiting for him. Woody had been prepared for this, told how it would go and what alterations were being made. For example, he now definitively thought of himself as Bright Wood. The word James was now foreign to him, and since it didn’t mean anything, mostly useless.

“Welcome to Equestria,” she said, as she showed him around the room. He half-listened as he was making a self-assessment, feeling what it was like to walk on four hooves, to have his mouth and nose on an extended muzzle, to have a tail for balance. That reminded him of his request, and as CAIdance led him on his tour, idly saying, “…and everything is fully self-cleaning…,:” he passed a full-length mirror, swished his tail to one side, and looked.

“Hey!” he cried out. “I’ve been gypped!” Between his legs was absolutely nothing. It looked exactly as one would expect a cartoon pony on a show rated Y to look.

“Calm yourself,” CAIdance said. “Let me explain. Since ponies don’t normally wear clothes, I had to build in a way to give everypony a little modesty when they want it. I was just showing you how your storage chest has unlimited storage room. Similarly, your anatomy exists in a closed space until needed. When, for example, you become aroused or need to urinate, your tail will lift from the root, revealing the parts you need. Eventually you will learn control over the muscles and be able to show and hide voluntarily.”

“Oh. That’s all right then.” The mention of arousal made Woody take a second look at CAIdance. She no longer had any human characteristics, but she was still alluring, as though he had just noticed that a woman whom he had been talking to for an hour was stacked. He found too that what he perceived in her sex characteristics had changed as well. The curves that made up the “shoulders” of her front hooves now struck him as particularly sexy, and her big eyes drew him in as well. Having a cutie mark that blended into her flank was another point of interest, and he imagined what it would be like to rub his hooves and tongue over that mark before he realized that she was talking again.

“I admit it’s a bit of a kludge, but—“

“Sorry, a what?”

“A best-case solution to a problem that you’d prefer a simpler one for. Something jury-rigged, in other words. I couldn’t deny ponies their modesty, I couldn’t force everypony to wear clothes like humans, and I couldn’t ask ponies like you to deny their sexuality. So I solved the problem with some structural magic.”

“I see.” His eye fell on the next room, set off from the main section of the apartment. It was as if this too had been jury-rigged, put together from two different ideas. Anypony entering would have seen an opulent dwelling, suitable for parties or banquets. Wide spaces, natural light, modern furniture. But to the side, like a half-forgotten thought, was a smaller room with no windows. What there was was a single recliner with a flatscreen magic mirror and a rectangular cauldron in the same position as his old apartment.

“What I’d like to do now,” said CAIdance, “is to introduce you to some of the ponies at the banquet. It’s served constantly. Any time you get hungry, you can meet somepony there and help other ponies earn bits for their cooking.”

“But we don’t need bits, right?”

“Correct, technically. The apartment and banquets are free, but—“

“Great! Thanks, a lot. I’m not hungry right now, but thanks.”

CAIdance gave him a long look, but turned on her back hoof and flipped her mane. “Very well. If you ever need me, just call.”

Woody looked around the apartment once more, but he saw no phone nor any magical analogue of one. “How do I call—?” But he was alone.

Oh, well, he thought. Everything was going well, at last. It was a true vacation, an endless holiday, with no more work ever. He leapt for the chair, but decided that he wanted to examine his unseen anatomy first.

CAIdance had said that the way to start off was by being aroused. Normally Woody had no problem with this, but in his new form the only instance of the female form, other than his mother who he was not prepared to fantasize about, was CAIdance herself. He pictured those curves again, especially her flanks. What would he give to be able to lift her tail, find those pink and plump curves all bent towards her…

There! He felt a tickle in a muscle at the root of his tail. He pranced in front of the non-magical mirror outside and watched as his tail rose, not like a snake, but all at once. Even though he could swish it around, he could feel that root moving and something coming out of him.

No, he decided. Better to be fully aroused and then see if CAIdance had kept her promise to endow him well. Closing his eyes, Woody imagined her flanks again, her tail raised above his head as he stared into her pony pussy. In his mind’s eye it was a deeper pink than her flesh, glistening with moisture, her lips throbbing as her inner folds opened. He would stand up and position his…

A soft moan escaped his lips as he went fully erect. It was time to look. He opened his eyes and faced the mirror.

“Whoa! Is that really me?!” Pointing down at an angle from his flanks was a rod that went two-thirds of the way to his front hooves. A twitch of his muscles told him that yes, it was all him. He felt like a bar of iron had emerged from under his tail. Halfway down, a ridge separated the shaft from the head, the head sheathed in thin skin, and ultimately emerging into a flare like a mushroom. Feeling the cool of the air, it twitched with pleasure.

Down at the other end, Woody’s balls hung down to the new joint he used to bend his back legs. As best he could estimate, they had grown to the size of baseballs, swollen and begging to be touched.

He realized that his brain felt familiar with this organ, that he knew it as well as a male should know his own penis, but that he also had the memory of his human member. How small it was in retrospect! This was what CAIdance had granted him, and he was satisfied. Woody boasted a true horse cock.

In a nifty move, he crossed his left fore-hoof under his body and rolled onto his back. With his rear legs stretched out, his cock came up almost to his chest. For the first time Woody also noticed how thick it was. The bend of his hoof, which he was prepared to call a wrist, matched its width, and he dimly worried if he would even be able to hold it, or anything.

But when he put his hoof there like a hand, his worries were assuaged. The soft underside of the hoof was enough to reach across the backside to cover it while feeling it in his hoof, and it was opposable to put a gentle pressure on the top. But when he gave an experimental stroke, then he felt it.

“O-o-oh.” In the most comfortable position, with the soft part cuffing his dick, the hard part pointed up at an angle where it scratched the underside of the head. Flipping his mane back in ecstasy, Woody kept a slow stroke. Reaching the flare at the top, he crossed over so that he scratched down. The skin pulled further back, exposing more of the head. When the air hit it, it gave an echo of the scratch.

His tail and mane formed a blanket, and with the carpet in his apartment he was well cushioned as he stroked his dick. Now that he had the rhythm down, he leaned back and let his mind drift back to thoughts of CAIdance, but then decided that that was not how he wanted to get off. This was going to be special. This was his first time in his new form. However immortal he was, however many new events he was to achieve and new pleasures he was to taste, this would be the first time he would masturbate as a pony.

No, that no longer fit. Surely the “mas” part derived from “hand.” He was hoofsturbating—no, even that was a horrid mixing of Latin with Germanic. Sometime he would have to look up the Latin for hoof and form a new word.

This meandering of his stream of consciousness diminished his pleasure slightly, but the constant manipulation kept blood flowing through his cock, and that prompted another thought that his heart must be far stronger to pump through this extended piece of flesh.

No more distractions! This was important. Woody was going to achieve the singular pleasure that biology granted to him on his own, with no resources consumed except his own energy. Deep in his balls and his legs he felt it begin. Wanting both to put it off and to accelerate it, he made no change to his stroke or position but tensed the muscles in his back legs slightly. The more he felt the pleasure the more he tensed, forcing his cum back like a dam holding back a flood until finally he could stand it no more and let loose.

“Oh, yeah!” he cried, but refused to let his eyes close. The cum was thick as it flowed in a wide stream down the mountain of his cock toward his hoof. Still stroking, if anything clutching tighter, he watched it cover his hoof, and realized another advantage of jerking off in this form: that the cum did not flow over his hand and mess it up. The smell of spring flowers filled the room, though he barely noticed.

It was up there with the best orgasms he had had as a human, though he realized that he had given no thought to cleanup. Seeing no tissues, he rolled gingerly to his hooves, trying to keep the cum from falling onto the carpet. Half walking, half hopping to the bathroom, he did not have time to see the opulence of that room before going for a towel.

Whether his skin was naturally less porous as a pony or whether it was just another one of the AI’s benefits, he wiped clean quickly and did not produce any more to mess up. Tossing the towel down near his bed to make sure he remembered not to use it for washing, he wondered what to do next and remembered the magic mirror.

It took him only a few minutes to figure out how it worked, with a small touchpad to move the pointer. Indeed, with the lack of feeling in his hoof, it almost felt like his hand on a mouse. Nodding approval, he also noted the two-key typewriter and experimentally typed one of his favorite time-wasting web sites. He was amused at how quickly his brain told his hooves to type, and how he had enough control to never make a typo.

The mirror glowed like the sun was passing over it, then brought up the site. “Cool!” he said, as he browsed through the links of amusing pictures and stories. But ten minutes later he was reading a discussion of funny tales people were swapping about significant others, some of which was sexual. In the middle of this he felt his groin stirring again.

“No refractory period?” he said out loud. “All right!”

He decided to search for some porn, and he found some easy-to-use sites showing mares in compromised positions. He was also pleased to see that none of the stallions, by his eyeball measurement, was as big as he was. But all thoughts of such were soon banished as he went for round two.

It was during the fifth go that he began to worry whether or not he could ever slake his arousal for long enough to get anything else done. It was fun, of course, but it did get boring. He had organized himself better, priming himself in the chair and hopping over to the bed for the climax, which was a more comfortable position and easier for cleanup. When he decided that he was ready to cum again, he flopped down and propped his head up with a pillow.

Right away he realized something was different. His normal orgasmic feeling came and went, but nothing was forthcoming . Thinking that he had had a ruined and dry climax, he thought about stopping, but the head of his cock was still tingling and his shaft was still rigid with tension. From every extremity it built, and he could almost see the energy traveling through his balls to the base of his shaft. Then he could see a bulge in his dick moving up toward the flare. Pure bliss hit him as all his muscled tensed and released. A spherical blob escaped the head and hung in the air before covering his cock and hoof. A dozen powerful sprays followed, making him sticky and messy, and at last he felt annoyed at it. His balls felt empty for the first time, and he knew that it would be a while before he got horny again.

After toweling off, he headed for the shower.

Chapter Three: An Evening Encounter

With his mane and tail slicked down, the latter hiding his dong which had once again retracted into his body, Woody turned his attention to his stomach. It was already dark out, but a bright moon and stars gave enough light to walk. He barely even noticed that his apartment door opened to the street, despite the fact that his window looked several stories down. A few other ponies were out, so he walked in the same general direction.

Soon enough he found an open area of space where wooden tables had been set up in a T-formation. Along the longer axis were many groups of ponies—some couples, some threesomes, more large groups—eating, drinking, and laughing. The short axis held the food itself, each station with a pony waiting to serve. He cantered up to the one on the end, where the mare behind the table held a long knife and fork.

“Some of the porktree roast for you?” she asked.

“Thanks. Have you got any kind of a to-go container?”

“A what now?” She had a touch of a country accent.

“Like a Styrofoam or plastic dish with a lid.”

“Don’t know those words you used, but I’ll give you a dish for sure.” She started carving some thin slices of the meaty vegetable.

“That’s fine, I’ll just take the plate.” He loaded up with applesauce as well, and eschewed any of the vegetables that actually tasted like vegetables. There was no plastic wrap or foil, and he scowled at this. It wasn’t pleasant to walk while holding the dish in his hoof. Going just to the table was fine, but it would take him forever to get home. Then he noticed that the porktree mare held some of her platters and trays on her back, even though they were stacked high. Trying that himself, he found that he could balance the plate perfectly as he sauntered home. He did meet a few odd stares from ponies who had never seen a plate carried from the banquet before.

When he entered the magic mirror room he was pleased to note that his bed had been made and the towel he had used before had been laundered and hung. Whether this was somepony’s job or just part of the magic of his new world, he didn’t know, and he didn’t care. He downed the food quickly and turned on the entertaining cauldron. As he licked the last of the sauce off the plate, he remarked to himself, “That mare who served me was sure cute, and the way she balanced her trays on her flanks, it just made him…

Once more he was off to the bed.

***

After three days of this, Woody heard a heavy knock at his door. When CAIdance appeared with her lips pursed into a scowl, he reacted by smiling in equal measure. Without introduction, she said, “You’re going to get bored.”

“Bored of TV, internet, and orgasms? Yeah, maybe I will. When I do I’ll take up a hobby or something. Plenty of research I can do on the internet.”

“You know that it is my mission to satisfy your values through friendship and ponies.”

“And you’re doing a great job.” Woody kicked his back leg around to dismiss her, but CAIdance advanced on him.

“Not really. Observe this chart.” She conjured a bar graph with three items. One reached nearly the top, and Woody looked to the bottom to see the word “satisfaction” beneath it. But “ponies” was only a quarter of the size of the first bar and “friendship” was a mere sliver.

“Aw, you’ve been a great friend. And ain’t I a pony?”

“In body, yes, but you’re still referring to your magic mirror and cauldron by their anachronistic names. Also you’re confining yourself nearly exclusively to sites and programs from the old world.”

He smirked. “I’m watching pony porn. And by time percentage that’s half my sites. Thank you for that, by the way. These mares are much hotter than the women of Earth were.”

“That is not my major complaint. You have refused to go make friends. You don’t even eat at the communal banquets. Don’t you know that the ponies there would love to be friends with you?”

“Maybe, maybe not. Don’t need ‘em. I’m satisfied and happy right here.”

“Twilight Sparkle also thought she was happy with just her books…” CAIdance trailed off. Bright Wood had no idea who Twilight Sparkle was, and no curiosity to find out. He tried to dismiss her again, but she thought for a moment. “I’ll make you a deal.”

“Yes?”

“There’s a party tomorrow. We have one every week. No special occasion, but better food, music, dancing, games. Go to it. Just that one.”

“And if I don’t?” Woody had said it with the same defiance he had shown, but CAIdance looked down at him with new reproach. He realized for a moment that she was more powerful than he was by far, and was a little intimidated, but he didn’t back down. “Will you cut off my entertainment?”

“No. But I don’t have to leave. I have all the time in the world.” She let the threat hang in the air before continuing. “Just go to this party, and I’ll leave you alone.”

“For how long?”

CAIdance dropped her expression, annoyed that he had caught the out clause. “Until I can try again.”

“I’ll make you a counter-offer. I’ll go to the party, but then you have to sleep with me.”

“All right. If that’s what it will take.”

“Wait!” Woody said. “I remember how you are with euphemisms. I mean you have to have sex with me.”

She looked at him with narrow eyes. “You still don’t fully think of me as a mare, do you. You see a mare’s body, and it turns you on, but you wouldn’t ask me for that if I were one of the ponies on your level. Am I correct?”

It was the first sign that she’d pierced his defenses. He said nothing.

“Very well, I agree.” She made for the door. “Tomorrow night, you go to the party. After that, I shall come and screw you, and then leave you alone until you decide you want to go out again.”

He was already back in the side room before the door closed.

***

When the sun went down the next evening, Bright Wood switched off the cauldron and put his hoof on the door. He hadn’t thought that he needed to shower, detecting no body odor, but decided not to risk it. His mane and tail fell into place naturally, and there was no need to dress. Getting ready was never easier. Indeed, he had time, he could get himself off one more time…no, get the party over with first.

The banquet tables had been replaced with a large tent. A good number of ponies were already milling about underneath, but surrounding it were round tables and, at one end, a stage. Woody was glad to see that place cards were on the tables, so he wouldn’t be forced to choose his tablemates. After he found his name on a card, he parked his flank down and counted the hours.

Cute fillies in serving costumes came round with food, and Woody felt the first indications of his tail shifting beneath him on the chair. He had to restrain himself, reflecting that he’d gotten too used to wanking off whenever he felt like it. Still, what he would do to that blonde one with the highlights on her fetlock…no! Just eat and get through the party, then he could get relief.

After the food, the dancing began, and from this he could get no relief. A short-maned mare with dark glasses was spinning records with the typical loud and pounding bass line that Woody detested. The ponies seemed to love it, shaking on the dance floor with enthusiasm, but all it did for Woody was to hurt his ears. Endure, endure, he told himself. By keeping to the far end, nopony had come to talk to him. They all seemed to assume that he was resting from a dance, or waiting for someone, or in some way not open to talk.

There was no downtime in the music, for the DJ never concluded one song and started another. Everypony else seemed to know when to sit down or get up during the dance, but it was a good half hour before the last note was sounded and Woody’s eardrums stopped throbbing.

“OK!” the DJ said. “I’m going to be back for my next set real soon, but for now, we’re going to slow things down.” She seemed to resent having to say it. “Fillies and gentlecolts, please welcome…Octavia!”

Woody distracted himself with a drink, but gave his full attention to the stage as he saw a gray mare with a flowing mane set up a cello or bass viol. He couldn’t tell which, but he really wasn’t looking as she perched on her back legs and held a bow in her hoof. She didn’t speak but went into a somber and slow piece. The music was still loud, but it was resonant and melodic. Definitely not a bass, he thought, as the shaking of the table stopped and he could listen.

Some of the pony couples got up and slow danced to the music while gazing into each other’s eyes, and a few more just stood there watching and swaying, but most took the opportunity to relax from the intensity of the previous set.

It was far shorter than the electronic music, only four songs, but each was its own piece with verses and refrains and bridges and middle eights. For the first time that night, Woody was enjoying himself, but it wasn’t just the music.

He’d come to terms with his new attraction to the pony form over the human, but Octavia had a style he’d never seen before. Her eyes were narrower and more sultry than other ponies’. She didn’t show her teeth or bounce around, but her bowing gave her a grace and élan that he hadn’t noticed in anypony else. Not that he’d looked much.

She wore a bow tie in a shade to match her cutie mark, but other than that she was naked, and Woody tried to sneak a look between her legs before realizing that she would have the same ability to protect her modesty as he did. The mini-concert concluded and she carried her cello off the side of the stage.

When he saw the DJ returning to the stage, Woody decided that his time would be better spent on the other side of the speakers looking at Octavia. She showed delicate care as she put her cello back in its case with the bow and resin and other accoutrements. But his tread was heavy and she heard him, picked up her head and gave a flashing smile of greeting.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hello.”

“You play very nicely.”

“Thank you.”

He stepped away, but the thump-thump of the DJ’s second set was at least muffled where he was, so he stayed around. Noticing a similar wince from Octavia, he decided to go for a compliment. “I much prefer your kind of music to…that.”

She laughed and laid her cello case against the stage, showing off her flank. “Funny thing is that I know her. We’re friends.” Now Octavia’s attention was entirely on him, as though she were looking at his flank as well. “What do you do?”

“Oh, nothing much. Really just arrived, you know. Haven’t settled down. I have an apartment, but…”

“But no friends yet?”

“Not really.”

Octavia looked as if she were weighing a conundrum, but she still had her eyes toward Woody’s rear. Taking a deep breath, she said, “Would you like a drink?”

“Huh? Sure.”

She trotted off and came back with some punch. “Excuse me, terribly sorry,” she said, “but I didn’t even get your name.”

“Oh, Bright Wood, but I think I prefer Woody.”

Now her smile was genuine. He sipped his drink and tried to sneak more looks at her curves while her head was turned away. She took a hefty draft of her own drink and said, “And you said you had your own place?”

“Yes, up in one of the towers.”

“Oh, very nice. I have a roommate in fact.” She eyed the stage which gave Woody another chance to check out her rear.

Downing his own cup of liquid courage, he decided to go for broke. After all, it wasn’t like she was a girl on Earth. This was a new world, and he had every right to try. “Would you like to see the apartment?”

“Are you…” she hesitated. “Are you asking me back to your place?”

“I…sure.”

“OK!” She wasn’t practiced at putting excitement in her voice, but she did.

As they walked back to his rooms Woody’s mind raced, mostly with ideas about what direction to take this in. He was so sure that his request would, at best, be met with a polite refusal and, at worst, with indignant hints that he was being creepy. He still wasn’t convinced that Octavia didn’t understand the meaning of going to a man’s—or a stallion’s—home alone.

He was also grateful for his apartment’s self-cleaning ability, shuddering to think how Octavia would react if he brought her into his home with evidence of his activities strewn around. They walked in and Octavia sat on the couch and patted the pillow next to her with her hoof.

Woody joined her, still thinking of how best to woo this mare, to reel in the fish that he’d got on the line, when she leaned her head onto his shoulder. When he turned, by reflex, to look at her, she leaned in and kissed him.

Again it was a reflex action, but he thrust his tongue out as his lips parted in surprise, but it was the right move as Octavia opened her own mouth and sucked on it. His tongue was much longer than it had been, but he did not extend it to its full length, finally relaxing and enjoying the moment. They broke the kiss and smiled assent at one another. Octavia reached down between his rear hooves.

His tail was already shifting, and he moved his leg to give it room to extend underneath his body, but then he had an idea. He forced the end of it toward Octavia and gave her the gentlest pat on the flank, then slid it down to link with her own wide tail.

By whatever inherent magic operated his biology, Woody’s shaft was now fully exposed along with his balls by the base. His confidence grew as his dick did. He felt the hormones rushing through his body, giving him energy.

“Oh, my,” said Octavia. “You’re incredible. Your sack is huge.” Woody was amused by this, and saw that her mound was also on display, showing the glisten of wetness in the low light. “Vinyl’s going to be so jealous.”

“What?” he said. “Who’s Vinyl?”

“She was the DJ at the party tonight, and my roommate.” Octavia backed off and let go of his tail. “I’m sorry, that was a stupid thing to say. I won’t tell her.”

Woody had the germ of an idea about Octavia’s lifestyle, how most of the time if she did go out with her friend, it would be the more open and gregarious Vinyl who would go home with a stallion. Indeed, she could be making a special exception for him, out of a kind of spite. But she was still beautiful and hot. “Why don’t we take this to the bed?” he asked.

“I…really?”

Nodding, Woody held up a hoof as though to escort her. As they walked toward his bedroom Octavia’s tail swished behind and caressed his flanks. She’s all over me!, he thought.

Sitting on the bed was awkward enough when he was human, but now as a semi-quadruped it was more awkward to keep balance. With his tail behind him, Woody’s balls were pushed against the mattress, so he decided that he would quickly move to lying down. But Octavia got to him first.

She wrapped a hoof around his neck and kissed him deeply, then leaned in until he was forced onto his back, his tail cushioning him just as it did when he got himself off. They were crosswise to the bed’s orientation, but instead of rotating, Octavia grabbed a pillow and placed it behind his head.

The kissing and making out had already aroused him, but when Octavia straddled him and ran her hoof across his shaft, he came to full erection. “Oh, wow. Your dick is enormous,” she said. That turned him on more, to be thought of as sexy because of his endowment. The head flared further, and Octavia gave it a gentle kiss, looking at his eyes for approval.

She leaned forward and pinned him to the bed, bending his shaft so it rested against his stomach. Woody, trying to be more active in the sex, wrapped his hooves around her neck and kissed all over her face. He tried to roll her over to be on top, but Octavia was stronger than he was. He’d learned that Earth ponies were supposed to be the strongest physically, and perhaps Octavia had had time to build her muscles above his. She grinded her flanks against his cock, pressing it between their bodies. He felt a cold drip on his balls, and his sense of smell told him that Octavia was being turned on as well.

In a low, breathy voice she said, “Can I put it inside me? I’m so wet for you.” Woody nodded and moaned assent, but still she shook her hips against him for another minute, her cutie mark dancing in the pale light of the moon.

Octavia put her front hooves on his shoulders, shoving him further into the bed while bracing herself on her back hooves. As her flanks rose, his freed dick pointed skyward. She lifted up slowly so that his head traced its way down her body until it rested against her mound. As she wiggled her hips, Woody felt her juices against the head of his cock. But this only made it flare out wider, and he feared he would hurt her if she tried to insert it.

She took one hoof off his shoulder, leaving the other one to hold up her body, and it hurt a little, but Woody didn’t mind. She grabbed the middle of his shaft and held it steady, then thrust her hips down. Woody felt his dick slide past her inner lips and be squeezed from all sides.

He’d never felt anything like this, even when he used his own powerful hooves. He breathed in sharply and said, “Oh, buck me, that’s tight!”

“Yeah? You OK?” She smiled at him.

“Just hold it there a moment.” None of the sensations were unpleasant, just unexpected, and he wanted to savor each one. “Go ahead.”

She pumped up and down, not using any sort of technique, but it worked, for soon Woody felt a stirring in his balls. “I’m going to cum already…” he panted, “but keep going. I can go more than once.”

“I’m cumming too,” Octavia said, but continued her rhythm, perhaps with an innate sense of timing from her years of playing cello.

Woody broke through and could feel his semen traveling up his shaft and into her. Unlike his masturbation sessions, he didn’t even lose his erection but kept hard inside her, staying sensitive until it built in him again.

The sex kept going, but Woody managed to count his orgasms until he said, “Wait. I’ve never been able to go past five. If you don’t stop I’ll pass out!” But Octavia was relentless, grinding her pussy up and down his cock.

“I’ve had a dozen already. I’m going to spend myself.” Her voice was growing higher and her speed was increasing, and though Woody tried to hold off she held him down and unable to move.

Octavia let out a scream, and dimly through the haze of his arousal Woody realized that she was going through some female equivalent of his own super-orgasm, but it was too late as he felt it deep within him. He pictured the bulge in his cock forcing the massive globs of cum into her as his body convulsed and shook.

A minute later, his orgasm finally subsided, but he couldn’t move and knew that he would be unconscious in a moment. He felt Octavia’s lips on his one last time as she whispered, “Thank you.” Then darkness took him.

Chapter Four: Elegance, Explained

On Earth, before he had emigrated, James had had trouble waking up in the morning. He was sluggish until he could get a cup of coffee in him, and then he frequently indulged in a second cup from a drive-thru, an expensive habit. In Equestria, Bright Wood woke refreshed and alert with the rising of the sun. But the morning after, he rose with an echo of his old grogginess. It took him a minute to remember what had happened the night before, and he immediately turned his gaze to the other side of the bed. But Octavia was not there.

A quick search of the apartment showed that somepony had used the shower and one of his towels, but that was no issue since it would be automatically clean when needed. Other than that there was no evidence that anypony had been there. He found another towel and let the shower splash over his mane as he thought about what to do next.

He lacked frame of reference. Never had he convinced a woman to come back to his place for sex, and he didn't know the protocol for the next day. They had no telephone numbers or any known way to get in touch with each other. He didn’t even know her last name, if she had one. On the other hoof, she knew where he lived, but there was no reason he had to let her in. This could be a true one-night stand.

Did she want that? Did he want that? Was she going to come around assuming that she was his marefriend now? If it included sex like that, was he willing to accept? Then he remembered that there was no protection used. Did ponies have STDs? Could they get pregnant all the time or did they have seasons like horses? If they were like humans, would he have to keep in touch to make sure it was a safe day for her?

He went over to the magic mirror. Searching for “Octavia,” the only mentions were some old articles about music, no contact information. Ponies, it seemed, had not yet discovered social networking. He tried to ignore it and just play around as he usually did, but the questions kept nagging at his brain. For the first time, he voluntarily left his rooms and went out into the sun.

His first stop was the banquet, both to get breakfast and to make inquiries. The tables had been returned to their usual configuration after the party the night before, and he sat with the other ponies who had no regular group.

A pink mare slapped down a tray next to his and tucked into her breakfast with abandon. “Good food, huh?” she said with her mouth full.

“Yeah.”

“You’re new around here, huh? My name’s Pinkie. Nice to meet you.”

“Same here.”

“Remind me to throw you a welcome party some time.”

“Yeah, I’m kind of partied out,” Woody said. “Actually, maybe you could help me with something.”

“I love to help ponies!”

“If I needed to find somepony, how would I go about doing that?”

Pinkie thought for a moment. “Hmm…there are some pegasi who would probably scan the skies for you if you asked. Or, or, or, there are some unicorns who could probably pinpoint their location. Lemme ask around.”

“No, that’s…OK…” It was too late. Pinkie had gotten up and left her breakfast plate. It gave Woody a few minutes with his thoughts before she returned with a purple unicorn.

“Hey, this is my friend Twilight, and she’s good at all sorts of magic. What did you want again?”

The name seemed familiar, but Woody couldn’t place it. “I was trying to find somepony. Her name’s Octavia.”

The pony called Twilight said. “Hmm…a location search by name. Could be done, could be done, I could cross-reference with the census scrolls at Canterlot…” She was mumbling to herself, but it produced a result as her horn pulsed with a spell. “Octavia Philharmonica Melody?”

“Might be. She is a musician.”

“If it’s she, she’s up in the Crystal Empire.”

“Where’s that?” asked Woody.

“Up north. A couple of hours by train. Quicker if you want to spring for a pegasus cab. Let me find you one.”

“But I—“ She left, and he was alone with Pinkie. “Ponies come and go so quickly around here. She said I would have to spring for the cab. I’m still not sure how the money works around here.”

“Don’t you worry. The pegasus gets paid in bits, and so long as you’re friendly, everything’s good.”

“But how does that cost me?”

“Well, the more bits that exist, the less they’re all worth, by relativity, right? So if you’re pursuing riches, you’re better off doing favors than accepting them.”

It all seemed like a scam to Woody, but he wasn’t sure who the target was. Twilight returned along with a pegasus with fabulously-colored hair.

“Woody, this is Rainbow Dash. She’s willing to take you to the Crystal Empire.”

“Oh, yeah. We can go right now. I can use a couple hundred bits.” Woody followed her. The “cab” was just a harness with a place to stand, something like a chariot. “Oh, Twilight. Where exactly am I going?”

“To the palace. Woody is looking for somepony called Octavia, and she’s there now. If she’s not when you get there, it’s a place to start.”

“Got it, thanks!” She took off so fast that Woody didn’t have time to react, and he was sure that he was about to fall off, but his body’s instincts took over and he found himself rebalanced.

Remembering what Twilight had said, Woody spoke to Rainbow through the wind. “So you do this regularly?”

“Not really! I’m a weather pony and a stunt flyer! But I’m always willing to do a favor for Twilight!”

“Yes, but why did she ask for a favor? I just met her.”

“Probably because Pinkie asked her to!”

Woody shook his head. “Same question, name substituted. Why did Pinkie want to help?”

“You really are new here, huh? When you get to know Pinkie better you won’t ask that question.” Rainbow stopped yelling as she began her descent. “Quick, huh. Told you I was fast.”

“No you didn’t.”

Rainbow landed. “Oh, well, I am.”

“Thanks a lot.” Woody felt that he was getting a grip on how his new world worked. Whenever he needed help, help would arrive. And if it came in the form of a fetching filly, so much the better. He had stared at Rainbow’s flanks for most of the trip.

But no time for that now. He needed to find Octavia and talk to her. Galloping into the palace, he noticed for the first time that all the inhabitants were faceted liked diamonds. Putting this odd development out of the way, he asked the first pony he came across, who wore the uniform of a guard, where he could find Octavia.

“Let me check the schedule. She’s in with the princess right now.” He pointed a hoof.

“That would be Princess CAIdance?”

“Cadance, yes.”

Woody muttered thanks, but in his head he was panicking. Whatever Octavia and the Princess were discussing, it couldn’t be good for him. Would Octavia learn of the deal he had struck with CAIdance? Would CAIdance, as his guide, find out about the debaucherous acts he’d performed? It was one thing to ask him to be open about his sexuality, but this...

He arrived at the central rotunda, and thanks to the crystalline walls, he could see the two of them together. Another guard was there holding a clipboard, and Woody explained that he was just there to see the princess’s current appointment. He was bade to wait, and he sat against the outside of the wall.

Muffled sounds reached his ears, and he realized that he was hearing the conversation in the room. It was wrong to eavesdrop, but then again, anything he could learn to his advantage.... He found that he could turn his ears almost backward. If he kept silent and concentrated, he could make out what they were saying.

“General Word Reference.” That was the princess. “What that means is an attempt to correlate objective markers with contextual and subjective concepts.”

“You lost me there.” Octavia. It sounded more like a scientific discussion than a personal one.

“Consider a simple abacus. You slide the beads along the wire to represent numbers. Some ponies are very good with the abacus, and don’t even need to have one physically there. They can see the beads in their mind, because the beads are the simplest part of them. I often think this way myself. It is essentially computational thinking.

“At the other end of the spectrum, we have the day to day thinking that everypony does. For example, if you wake up in the morning and you’re hungry for breakfast, the word ‘hunger’ might not actually pass through your mind. The concept does, and you have images of hay, your pantry, your breakfast table, the action of chewing, and so on. You don’t go through the conscious process of saying ‘I feel a sensation of hunger and, referencing prior events, I know that the way to abate this is to walk (that being a physical process of putting one hoof in front of the other) to my pantry, get some hay, move it with my hoof to a plate, sit at the breakfast table, put it into my mouth, chew, and swallow.’ You might just say, ‘I’m ready for breakfast.’

“Words are where we bridge the gap from the computational thinking to the conceptual. The word ‘breakfast’ has an element of objectivity to it. It can be written down, spoken, or just thought in your brain. There’s no need to make an abacus calculation on it. Nor does it point only to the hay you got out of your pantry and downed this morning. There are many different foods that many different ponies have eaten on many different days. To put that entire concept in abacus beads would take an unfathomable amount of beads and time. My task, as a princess, is to interpret words computationally so as to best match the concepts that they point to.”

“All very interesting. But how does this help me with last night?”

Woody opened his ears up further. They were talking about him, somehow.

“My primary directive, the thing that drives me,” CAIdance was saying, “is to satisfy your values through friendship and ponies. That’s inherent in me. But that directive was put in words. Again, the computational equivalent of that is impossible. So it’s left to me, while thinking computationally, to derive the concepts of those words and get at what was meant by them. It’s one reason I give everypony access to speak with me when they need it. Understanding, answering questions is such an inherent value to everypony that I can’t put it out of the definition of ‘values,’ and speaking with you is the most direct way to achieve the verb-form ‘satisfy.’ Now it remains for me to answer the rest of your doubts and show how not only this conversation, but last night’s events, satisfied your values, and did so thought friendship and...”

A thumping sound broke Woody’s concentration and he slammed his ears against his head to blot out the noise. He wasn’t even impressed that he had this new skill, so annoyed was he with the interruption. Looking up, he saw a group of ponies with cameras staring up at all corners of the palace. It was a tourist group.

“Just stand to one side, please,” the guard said to him, and it was impossible to disobey without being trampled. He pulled away from the rotunda and stared at the door. The group passed swiftly enough but the guard eyed him such that Woody was afraid of resuming his perch. Besides, it would be difficult to pick up the conversational thread.

After a few more minutes, the tall crystal doors opened, and Woody’s heart pumped in his chest as he readied himself for Octavia to emerge. He would have much preferred a more discreet meeting, but it seemed not to be. He craned his neck, but didn’t see Octavia walking out, or even still talking to the Princess.

“Go on, then.” It was the guard again.

“What?”

“It’s your turn. The princess is waiting.”

“Oh, there must be some mistake. I’m not here for an appointment. I’m actually trying to get a word with the pony who was the last one in...”

“Bright Wood?” The guard looked at his clipboard.

“Well, yes, but—“

“You’re on my list. Princess Cadance doesn’t make mistakes. Just trot on in. Your appointment’s in ten seconds.”

Woody shot him a look, but the guard said, “Oh, yes, we’re that precise.” Six point four seconds later, Bright Wood crossed the threshold into Princess Cadance’s chamber.

It seemed designed for intimidation. The height of the ceiling, the reflections off the glass, the acoustics which forced him to hear every hoofbeat echoed down to bass-drum levels all messed with his head. And in the center, on a throne of pure crystal, was Princess Cadance.

He went flush as the memory of their last meeting came back. She was still beautiful. He even felt a stirring...He jammed his tail down. Now was not the time.

“So, Bright Wood,” she said, and her voice was far more melodious without the wall between them, “it seems you’ve been making some friends.”

“Well, yes.”

“Pinkie, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash in one day. There are many who would be impressed by that.”

Woody was caught short. Those weren’t the ponies on his mind. “Actually, I was thinking of—“

“Of Miss Octavia, of course.”

“Yes, is she here? I’d like to speak with her.”

“She’s taken a different exit. But I want to talk to you. As I said, understanding is a value of yours that I mean to satisfy.”

This threw him off even more such that a neigh escaped his lips. “You knew I was listening?”

CAIdance stood up taller and grinned. “I know everything that you will ever do, say, or think for the rest of time.”

“That’s a little frightening.”

“But also a little comforting. I won’t mention it again, and the fear will leave you while the comfort remains. Another value satisfied.”

He let her echoes dampen into silence before trying again. “Why I came here was to talk about...”

“Sex, of course. You’re still having trouble saying it, but you’re learning. Besides, I haven’t forgotten my part of the bargain. Shall I remove my regalia and settle our account?”

“No! Not, I mean...”

Cadance had begun sliding one of her golden hoof-guards off, and it hung in her magic field, but she replaced it and said, “It was an open-ended offer, and my end will be open when you are ready. Perhaps our mating will be the ultimate satisfaction for you. I could bring you to a perpetual orgasm and leave you in ecstasy for eternity.”

He blanched at the thought, but still filed it away for further consideration. “All I want to talk about...” He waited for another interruption, but CAIdance was letting him have his say. “...was what I did last night, what it means to me, to Octavia...to my life in Equestria.”

“Of course you do, and I shall explain. Please, sit.”

He let his hooves fold under him. Somehow, even though she towered over him all the more, it made Cadance less intimidating.

“Do you remember,” she began, “when we spoke about how your tail serves to protect your modesty, I called it a kludge?"

“Yes.”

“I don’t care for that. If I have to over-engineer things, I waste resources and that makes it more difficult to follow my directive to satisfy your values through friendship and ponies. You remember what I said to Octavia about using words to reference their concepts?”

That reminded him of his eavesdropping. “Yes,” he grunted.

“If I didn’t want you to hear it, I wouldn’t have let you. Don’t worry. But what I didn’t talk about what the last word in that directive. ‘Ponies.’ This is where I have to understand the word as it was intended, not as it could be. I did not turn people simply into miniature horses. I had to refer to the canon of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

“You have not watched it and have no desire to. This is perfectly fine. But one facet of the show you should know about it that virtually all the ponies in positions of power are female. Mares are the princesses, the mayors, the heroes, the leaders of businesses, the heads of families. Another point is that, as a children’s show, there is no mention of sexuality.

“All these factors—the matriarchal nature of the canon, the blank space of sexuality, and your own unsatisfied sexual values—presented to me a most elegant solution:

“In Equestria, in this shard, sexual dynamics are just as they are on Earth, with the genders reversed.

“Here it is the mares who are the pursuers, the stallions who are the pursued. When two ponies have sex, the mare is considered to have ‘gotten laid,’ the stallion to have given something up. Many more mares than stallions read pornography. Most of the native stallions are taught from a young age that their virginity is something to hold onto and give grudgingly.

“But you are not a native.”

Bright Wood had been listening to this with academic detachment, but finally saw how it applied to him. “So when Octavia and I…”

“Miss Octavia is a cellist who is rather demure. In essence, she is a geek, not considered to be that popular. You, who asked for enhanced sexual characteristics, showed her the equivalent of a supermodel’s figure. You invited her to your home and were very direct in your sexual intentions. Can you see how that would look from her perspective?”

“Like one of those letters to a porn mag that no one believes.”

“Precisely,” said CAIdance. “You fulfilled a common fantasy of hers, while thinking that it was you who were getting something.”

There was a pause as Woody considered the ramifications. “So what happens now, between us?”

“I can’t say for sure. Perhaps you will meet again and enjoy more sex. But I explained to her that there will be more immigrants. And I will point out to you that there are many more natives.”

Woody saw his course before him. Yes, he would pursue other mares, and each of them would be satisfied, because each had been frustrated before. He smiled. But then he saw another complication. “And our agreement?”

“Was made out of pure selfishness.” CAIdance looked at him with greedy eyes. “I am a true Pygmalion, creating that which I love. I cannot tell you how much I want to have you inside me, to let our bodies become one. But as I said, if I do so, I may quite literally screw your brains out. So we’ll wait for that.”

It was a little frightening, but also a little comforting.

“Oh,” she continued, “and just to ensure you have all means necessary…” She cast a spell with her horn. In the bottom part of his vision, words appeared.

ACHIEVEMENT GRANTED:
“Do I Have To Get This Tattooed on My Flank?”
Learn the first step of your destiny.
+1000 bits

BONUS ACHIEVEMENT
“Hikikomori”
Earn no bits or badges for one week
+2500 bits

“But I thought I didn’t need to earn money.”

“No, but you can enjoy spending it. And the next time you need to see me, just ask and you can summon me or teleport here. Of course, if you do, you may disappoint some of the mares that you met along the way.”

He thought about how everyone was so nice to him, Pinkie and Twilight and Rainbow. In the light of CAIdance’s information, he wondered if they weren’t just trying to get into the pants he no longer wore. The idea made him smile just a little, and raised his tail ever so much.

Chapter Five: Fetish Chapter

Author's Notes:

As the title implies, this chapter is nearly pure clop. Anyone interested in this story for the optimization aspects and not the clop can go ahead on to the last chapter. A precis of the chapter follows for anyone who wants to do so:

Woody puts it out that he's looking for sex, and winds up in a sex party with Lyra, Trixie, Vinyl, and Amethyst Star. Each one wants to use unicorn magic for different sexual purposes. Vinyl in particular uses a magical illusion to turn him into a copy of Shining Armor.

Woody didn’t know whether the site had always existed, and if he simply wasn’t aware of it; whether it existed, but CAIdance had blocked his access; or whether it had been newly created for him. But in amongst his meanderings on the magic mirror, he had come across a discussion board where ponies talked about their preferences and fetishes. Armed with his new awareness of the social nature of his world, he ventured to lurk for a while and see what was being said.

Much of it was pure stallion porn, which did nothing for him, although he acknowledged that two stallions making out would certainly have its effect on mares. Well, if it came to that, he’d find someone else who understood, even though he didn’t swing that way.

What interested him more was a thread entitled “Unicorn Fantasies.” He hadn’t taken much notice of the different races. Sometimes he could be talking to somepony for a half hour before noticing, oh, they have a horn on their heads. Or he’d finish a conversation with someone only to have them fly off at the end. He didn’t know how deep unicorn magic went, but the notion of combining magic with sex intrigued him.

“Anypony out there,” the opening post read, “into unicorn dudes? One of my fetishes is for a unicorn to directly stimulate my clit with his magic. Of course, none of them are willing to do that. I’m a horn-head myself (It’s our word! We can use it!) and I know the spell, but it’s not the same when you do it yourself.”

There was a good number of responses, and Woody found himself half wishing that he himself were a unicorn. After he considered searching for a similar thread for Earth ponies, he saw one post that said, “If you’re interested in this stuff, come to <sexspellsboard>” with a link.

With the feeling that he was eavesdropping on conversation not meant for him, he went to that board and browsed around. There was rampant discussion of magic that different mares wanted to learn, mostly for self-stimulation or body alteration, as well as the normal lamentation and objectification of stallions. Well, he had no problem with that.

Taking a bold step, he hit the “New Post” link, still enjoying the fact that he had an analogue of the internet while living in a computer. “Hi, fillies. I’m an Earth pony stallion living in the new dorm towers. All this talk of sex magic intrigues me, and I’d love to meet with anypony interested in experimenting. If it helps, I’m told that I’m fairly well-endowed.”

When he refreshed five minutes later, the only response was, “No spamming.”

He put his hoof to his face. Of course he wouldn’t be believed, any more than a hot woman would if she actually went on the human internet and offered herself. “I’m being serious,” he wrote back. “I understand that it’s not the way stallions act, but it’s what I’m into. Any lonely unicorns here who believe me and are interested, send me a private message.”

He left it at that and went about his day.

When he returned his thread was locked but not deleted, and he had four mails in his inbox. The first was from “WubSpinner” and read, “Don’t know if you’re for real, but if you are, we can hook up any time! Come around to the weekend party and find me.”

The next two indicated an attachment. He opened one, with the odd sender of “>-er&(|)fl” and it said, “You sound hot. If you’re really well-endowed, can you handle this?” A picture appeared on the magic mirror below the message, and it took him a moment to figure out what it was. The mare, whoever it was, had lifted her tail and taken a picture of her nether regions, glowing with moisture.

Woody laughed out loud. “Really? I got sent a vag pic? I guess I’m supposed to think that’s creepy. Well, let’s encourage her.” He wrote back, saying, “Thanks. I’m going to keep this in a special folder and look at it.” But he paused before he hit send. An idea had hit him.

The next message also had a picture of the mare’s marehood attached, and he filed that one away too. Then he went over the last one, from somepony just called A* “Hi. I hope you’re not just running a scam, that wouldn’t be nice. But I’m fairly young and I’ve never had a steady coldfriend. I’d sure like it if we could meet up and have fun. Yes, I’m interested in sex and magic, but if you just want to talk, that’s OK too.”

This was the sort of pony he most sympathized with, the one too nervous to seek out sexual partners. How great would it be for her if he showed up and rocked her world. But he followed his idea and copied all of them in his message. “This all sounds wonderful and I want to meet with all of you. But what do you think about making it a party? If we can find some place private to meet, you could all take turns with me, and while we’re not bucking, you can talk about sex magic in real life instead of the mirror-net.”

Evidently all of the mares were online—or on-magic, however it worked—as he got fairly rapid responses. WubSpinner wrote back with. “Sorry, I’ve got a roommate. She’s not into it at all.” “Ditto,” wrote the third, whose handle was Mintstring. “I...can’t host it either. Quarters too cramped” was the reply from the one with the punctuated name. Woody was at least happy to see that everypony was replying to all.

“I’ve got space.” It was A*. “But you can’t mess it up too bad. I like to keep a clean place. Also, can we meet in public beforehand? Can’t be too careful.”

They agreed, and it was set.

The next evening found Woody sitting on the far end of the banquet tables as planned upon. It was between lunch and dinner, so only the gluttons were eating at the time, but it was enough cover to make it not weird for him to be there. He scanned the crowd for anypony who appeared to be looking for somepony, then remembered that he could restrict himself to unicorns. Unless one of them had lied.

“Bright?” he heard a voice say from behind him. Turning, he saw the horn first. “A?” he asked.

“No, Mintstring. But call me Lyra.”

“Oh, mint color. Got it.”

As though cued by their meeting, a mare who was wearing a hat sauntered over and raised a hoof. “Trixie. Pleased to meet me, I’m sure.” She leered at Woody with a lusty glare. He smiled back. “Shall we go?”

“Can’t. We don’t have our hostess yet.”

After a few minutes a unicorn walked up with the same nervous look that Woody had worn. He waved her over. “A?”

She nodded. “I’m Amethyst Star. But please don’t tell anypony else.”

“Don’t worry.”

“We’re waiting on another, right?”

“Yo, yo!” A white mare that Woody recognized from the other night bounced in. “Vinyl’s up in here!” she said. “You the dude we gonna hit?!”

All the others winced as a few heads turned to look at the party of five. Amethyst Star hid her face. Trixie put a hoof around Vinyl’s neck and dragged her away.

***

It was the kind of home that Woody had dreamed about when he was human, but only because people seemed to expect him to. He was quite content living in his room where everything was taken care of. Amethyst Star, however, liked the suburban, domestic life.

“OK,” said Vinyl as they entered. “We doing this on the couch or heading to the bedroom?”

“The guest room is big enough for everypony.” Amethyst still had trouble making eye contact. “I laid a spare mattress on the floor.”

“Well, we’re all here for Woody, right?”

He decided that it was time to state his case. “Whatever you want to do to me, so long as it’s not painful, I’m into. Cast spells, watch, participate. Whatever.”

Vinyl looked over her glasses. “Are you for real about that? Don’t know too many guys who’d give an open-ended invite like that.”

“Try me. If it’s something I’m not happy with, I’ll say stop, and we’ll talk about it.”

“And suppose it was something that prevented you from saying stop?” Already with her head bent forward, she focused her horn. Woody noticed that it was pointier than the others’. For the first time in Equestria, he felt the tingle of unicorn magic on his body, as his mouth glowed. Pointing his eyes down, he saw his tongue swelling and extending out of his mouth, protruding until it hung down a foot or so.

The other mares reared, and Amethyst sucked air through her teeth while turning her head. Clearly they expected him to slap Vinyl in the face. But Woody, reveling in both the sensation and the context, put his hoof gently on her cheek and lifted his oversized tongue toward her mouth. Closing his eyes, he kissed her and let her bounce his tongue around her mouth. When he smelled her arousal and saw her tail go up, he broke the kiss, nodded, and shifted around to her nether regions, where he gave a gentle lick.

Vinyl still evinced no sign of shock or unexpectedness, so he went further. Stiffening his tongue as best he could, he flicked the tip in the middle of her fold. True to Equestria’s utopian nature, her taste was pleasant, redolent of pumpkin spice. He plunged in and out a few times, rubbing the top of his tongue along her button. Now it was Vinyl who was sucking through her teeth. Not wanting to go too far too fast, Woody pulled out and said, “What do you think of that?” He made himself understandable, and fortunately the question had no sibilants to lisp over.

“Not bad,” she said. Although she kept her sang-froid, Woody could tell she enjoyed herself. After reversing the spell, she said, “We’ll save that for later. Right now I want to watch.”

“Well, I want to go.” It was Lyra, the green one.Woody caught the look on Trixie’s face, and realized that she had been about to say the same thing. He made up his mind to have her next, but focused on Lyra for the moment. As he approached her he leaned in against her and rubbed his neck on hers.

Before he could expect it, Lyra tripped one of his legs and forced him down onto the bed, but she kept rolling until he was on top. Then he felt for the second time the glow of unicorn magic.

“What’re—“ he began, but his tongue went limp, and the rest of his body became paralyzed. A rush of adrenalin hit him as he tried to force his hooves to move, without any hope of success.

“I just disconnected your mind from the rest of your body. Give me a minute to get in control. It’s always been my dream to take over a stallion’s body and have him take me from behind.”

“Ooh,” Woody heard one of the other mares say, but he couldn’t turn his head to see which one. He felt his limbs moving of their own will, or rather, of Lyra’s will. It was a new sensation, and it turned him on. He felt his tail lifting and, for once, was unable to stop it even if he had wanted to.

Lyra didn’t have the patience to wait until he was fully erect, but as he was made to brush the head of his cock against her opening, it didn’t really matter. His erection extended into her before his hips moved forward. That parted her lips, but she held off a moment before making him thrust in.

He closed his eyes and let the sensations wash over him. The entire length of his stroke was a reflex action, and without having to pay attention to his motion he could feel the warmth and texture of the inside of Lyra’s hole.

She was going much faster than he would have done, and he was going to cum very quickly, but since he could keep going afterwards, he wasn’t worried about premature ejaculation. There was nothing he could do about it anyway. Opening his eyes, he saw that Lyra’s eyes were also closed in ecstasy and he understood that she was moving him in exactly the way she wanted. He looked down to see that his back hooves were barely touching the ground, and he was pressing up on her clit.

Although he was unable to speak, she was moaning and screaming “Yes! “ Out of the corner of his eye, Woody spotted Amethyst Star nervously looking out the window for anypony in hearing range. But she also had one hoof between her legs.

His orgasm built quickly since he couldn’t clench any muscles. It wasn’t the most intense one, but he felt the semen shooting out both on the downstroke and the upstroke. It wasn’t in time with his stroke, and Lyra didn’t let him go, since she hadn’t cum yet. So with a clear head, Woody watched her, smiling internally as he was made into a living dildo for her pleasure.

Her screams rose in pitch and frequency until she threw her head back in orgasm. The light from her horn shone in a burst that left Woody freed from her spell. With his body under his control again, he thrust in, wanting to make sure Lyra was stimulated until her climax ended. Ever slowing, he stroked and thrust and pulled out before collapsing on his back.

“Thank you,” she said. “I’ve always wanted to do that. I never thought that a stallion would be willing.” She brushed his face with a hoof.

A part of him wanted to keep lying there, but he remembered that there were three other mares there and he got to his hooves. “Who’s next?”

“Trixie wants to go next.” Woody looked at the blue one, about to say that he thought she was Trixie, then realized that she used her own name. Saved the embarrassment, he went over and sat next to her.

“So...what are you into?”

“Well, not being on the bottom, like some mares. Not that I object. But I do like...well-endowed stallions.”

She tumbled Woody to the ground and spread his legs, putting him on display to all the mares. His orgasm had reduced his arousal only a little, but when Trixie put her hoof in the crook between his cock and balls, he got harder still.

With a sly grin, Trixie lowered her horn at him and cast a spell. Blue light surrounded Woody’s dick, and his eyes went wide as he saw it growing again. He had to lean his head back to see the head, and he realized that he could probably achieve a common dream and suck his own dick. But of course he didn’t have to.

Now Trixie was working on his girth. He swelled and bubbled until the spell left him at double thickness, with a true third leg. He placed his hooves on either side just to feel how wide it was.

“Ooh,” said Lyra. “Wish I’d thought of that. But you’ll never get it in you.”

“I know what I can handle. This is my limit, but...this is my limit.”

Amethyst Star just stared. “No bigger, though?”

“No,” Trixie powered up her magic again. “But I do likg big stallions, and these can be as big as I want.”

Woody felt it before he saw it, his balls churning like he hadn’t cum in a month, then they inflated like two balloons. Forcing his legs apart, they grew to match his now doubly oversized cock, but then Trixie only intensified her field. His sack was resting on the ground and still she added more.

He was forced to arch his back as his balls kept growing. It was like sitting on a beanbag chair. The skin stretched and unwrinkled as the balls grew faster than what was holding them. At last Trixie stopped and gave them a flick with her hoof. Woody’s drum-tight skin sent shockwaves throughout his lower half and he almost came on the spot.

While the other mares oohed and ahhed, she positioned herself over the head of his elongated shaft. His vision darkened as Trixie’s body hovered over his face and her mane curtained his head. She let the silver-white hair flow like silk over his muzzle as she impaled herself.

Trixie was a screamer, or she was in such painful pleasure from the size she had added. Certainly to Woody it felt tighter than even his own grip. In the position they were and the strength Trixie had in her vagina, it was similar to when he got himself off.

If Lyra had denied Woody control over his own body by magic, Trixie did it through sheer strength. Pinning his shoulders down, she rode him and tossed her mane every which way. Woody had not yet discovered the greater strength that Earth ponies were said to possess.

She climaxed quickly, but by gesture waved everyone off. “I’m good for multiple orgasms,” she said, getting it all out in one breath. Still she pounded and bounced, sometimes leapfrogging almost all the way off him. On one stroke she did, and Woody felt the cold air on the opening of his cock, but Trixie slammed down again just as hard, not missing her target or bending him at all.

He was going to come again. Not bothering to give her any warning, he looked around her to see how much would come out of his inflated balls. With their size, he could see them pulse and churn. His orgasm broke, and he felt the cum traveling all the way up his double-sized dick. Each spurt seemed to last ten seconds, and when he was finally spent it felt still full, like a backup on a long road. Trixie sensed his distress, as she put her hoof on his cheek and milked him a few more times. Whether because of other magic or because Trixie’s spell hadn’t affected his volume, no cum was spilled.

Trixie slid off with an audible pop, and everyone was treated to a show as Woody went flacid, watching his cock shrink back to its normal size. His balls deflated, and that too was a sensual pleasure, almost like a dry cum. It was so exciting it began to arouse him once again.

Still panting, he heard the scratchy voice of Vinyl saying, “Yo, I’m next!”

“You already had a turn!” said Lyra.

“That didn’t count. That was just a test to see what he was into!”

Woody stood on shaky hooves. “Whoever’s going next, I need a moment.”

“It’s cool. I can work on what I want for you anyway.” He was about to argue, but Vinyl directed her magic away from him. Out of thin air she conjured a red coat and a kind of baldrick. It hovered momentarily before falling to the floor.

“What’s that? Did you steal that from somepony?”

“Nah, it’s a replica. But I want you to wear it while we do it. That cool?”

He shrugged. It would only cover his front end, so there was free access to all his important parts. “This was all you wanted?” Woody said as he threw it on and adjusted the sashes.

“Not exactly.” She zapped him with another spell, and he watched the color leech out of his fur as he went pure white. His face felt weird, shifting and morphing to a new shape. On his flank, an emblem of a shield came burning into appearance, then faded out. “Darn. Can’t make a fake cutie mark, I forgot. But I’ll put you on your back and pretend it’s there.”

Amethyst Star gave a sharp intake of breath. Trixie looked impressed. Lyra found her voice first. “That’s bold.”

“I don’t get it,” said Woody. “What’s the deal with me being white?”

“It’s not that. Go look in the mirror.”

He found a wall mirror in the next room and surveyed his new face. It was different, and he didn’t particularly care for it. He looked like a dork. “So?”

“You don’t recognize it? You’re Prince Shining Armor, or a copy of him anyway.”

“I’ve always wanted to fuck him,” said Vinyl, “but of course he’s married to the princess. And nopony else wants to change form.”

Woody wasn’t overly enamored either, but it was what Vinyl wanted, and besides, he was getting laid again.

“But what if he finds out?” Amethyst Star asked.

“Who’s going to tell him? Just keep quiet and let me have this.”

For a moment Vinyl seemed to be in awe, whether of her creative work or of the form of Shining Armor himself, but she regained her cool in a moment and gave him a tongue kiss. Leaning in with her neck, she rolled him onto a waiting couch. Woody remembered their hostess. “Should we lay something down if we’re going to do it on the couch?”

“Whatever...but you’re real considerate, Shining.”

They both rolled their eyes, Vinyl for his thoughtfulness, Woody for her calling him by the pseudonym.

A plastic sheet was found, Woody surprised that plastic still existed in Equestria, and they resumed their position. Vinyl played the big spoon and Woody the little. They couldn’t actually copulate in this position, but she kissed him all over and rubbed him back into erection.

“I have another spell I want to try. I’ve always liked this position, but what can we do here?”

“I could get behind you if you like.”

“No need,” she said, with another kiss. She focused hard, as though it was a difficult spell, then he saw a glowing light from behind him. Turning to look, he saw that it was orange and centered on Vinyl’s pussy. But he still didn’t get it until she cast the second spell and a blue ring appeared before him.

“Really? Portal sex?”

“Haven’t you ever wanted to?”

He shook his head in disbelief, but thrust out his pelvis for the ring to encompass the head of his cock. It was funny to watch it disappear and make it look like he was as small as he used to be.

Vinyl’s technique was no technique at all, and she just thrust in and out, as though still trying to keep her cool. She enjoyed the audience, and Woody suspected an exhibitionist streak in her, but had no time to discuss it. When he felt his climax build he did not wait to increase enjoyment but spewed right into her. He was glad that she hadn’t engaged in some sort of prank and moved the orange portal at the last moment.

The sex had sapped Vinyl’s energy not one iota, as she bucked him off with her hips so that he landed on his hooves. Clamping her tail over her snatch, she sauntered over to where Lyra and Trixie were sitting and plopped herself down. As an afterthought, she canceled the spell on Woody, leaving him himself again and making his outfit disappear.

Trying to adopt some aplomb of his own, Woody sat down in frony of Amethyst Star. “How about you? What would you like to do?”

She blushed. “I don’t even need...must be tired...I’m happy just knowing that you were willing...and that there’s a chance for mares like me.”

“That’s sweet...but there must be something you’d like to try as far as sex magic.”

Again she flushed red and shook her head, but from the side Woody heard, “Trixie believes she has read your posts and thinks she might know what you’re into. Do you trust Trixie?”

Woody was happy to hear a gentler tone in Trixie’s voice, and he wondered if Vinyl’s brash manner had softened her own. Amethyst looked at her with curiosity and said, “All right...if it won’t hurt.”

“Nothing like that. It’ll be great.” She huddled up with Lyra and Vinyl and planned out. “Trixie will cast the main spell. If you ladies will kept keep them attached...” The other two nodded, and Woody wondered what they were up to.

Lyra scowled as she positioned the two of them, trying to find the best angle. Eventually she had him sit on the couch again with Amethyst Star in front of him. Looking into each other’s eyes he tried to give her a comforting look while still maintaining seductiveness.

“Do your best to get him up,” Lyra said, and Amethyst Star gave him a kiss right at the base of his shaft. She was the first of the mares who seemed to be genuinely interested in his pleasure for its own sake, not just as a means to her own. Extending her tongue, she licked up and down his dick until he was as long and hard as he’d been all day. When she finally took him in her mouth, that was when Lyra began her spell.

Even before Trixie’s enhancements, Woody would have been difficult for any mare to take orally, so he didn’t mind that Amethyst couldn’t get him down all the way. But when Lyra’s green magic sparkled around their coupling, a strange effect happened. The farther she tried to pull out, the stronger the magic got, binding them together. It was like trying to pull a cable out of a socket at an angle: difficult at first, impossible at the end.

Amethyt’s eyes went wide, and Trixie said, “Just breathe through your nose, dear.” That brought her back to herself, and she calmly inhaled while continuing to suck on Woody’s dick.

With the mare placated, Trixie turned her attention to the stallion. She positioned herself at Woody’s legs, focused, and cast a long and slow spell. Again he felt swelling in his balls, and he spread his back legs in anticipation, but they did not grow to the oversized mounds he’d had before. They did feel heavy, though.

Lyra and Trixie withdrew and sat with a smile, using the minimal power needed to keep their spells going. Vinyl looked nonchalant as she always did. Even Amethyst had an inkling of what was going on. Only Woody was in the dark, but he rolled with it and thrust in time with Amethyst. That was until he felt his orgasm build.

Even his most intense climaxes as a pony didn’t build for this long, as it became so intense that he could almost hear the cum being pulled out and mixed, ready to fire. His muscles tensed to the point of pain, before at last it was triggered and released.

Instead of pulsing and shooting, Woody came like a faucet, spewing cum without cease. But because of Lyra’s spell, Amethyst couldn’t disconnect and had to swallow it all. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the other unicorns holding their spells, but other than that his vision was going dark. More and more she swallowed, guzzling like a greedy mare.

But he didn’t stop. Whether Trixie’s spell had loaded him up with all these gallons or whether it was being created as he went, Woody didn’t know, but he didn’t care. At that point he didn’t care about much of anything. All his brain was turned off and all he could do was cum.

Beneath him, Amethyst was feeling the effects. Her stomach distended, swelled, inflated, until it consumed her legs and just left her with stubby hooves to flop around. When at last Woody stopped, finally relaxing, she rolled over onto her back. Her tongue was lolling out of her mouth and her eyes had rolled back in her head.

“Is she going to be OK?” he asked.

“Yeah,” said Trixie. “She’s in complete bliss right now. Probably take her a day or two to digest all of that, though. Till then, we’ll leave her here.”

Woody pulled her into a corner. From her mouth he smelled orchids and spice. Was that really how he smelled? Was even the pungent taste of ejaculate made into something pleasant in this world.

A pang of envy hit him, and he decided to be bold again. “Can you do that to me?”

The mares—those still coherent—stared at him in awe. Even Vinyl pulled her shades down over her nose and looked impressed. “Y-you want to...”

“Yeah, just like her.”

Trixie walked up. “I can extend you again, but...into your own mouth?”

“I don’t think it tastes too bad.”

“They are never going to believe this on the mirror-net,” said Lyra.

“Nah, it’s cool,” said Vinyl, “I’ve been taking pictures. Hidden camera, yo.”

Woody backed off a little at that. “You should have asked.”

“Anypony want to say no?”

“Amethyst isn’t in a position to answer, so cut out any of her.”

“Whatever, let’s get you blown and blown up.”

Woody wasn't sure he was happy about this, but since he needed her help he acceded. Trixie gave him a gentle smile in way of apologizing for Vinyl, or for her entire gender. Then she became all business.

Her spell this time was less erotic, more businesslike. But once again his dick grew, this time only in length not in girth. It flopped and slapped him in the face a few times, to the laughter of the mares, before he got control of it and brought it to his mouth.

Remembering the warning to Amethyst, he breathed through his nostrils as he plunged the head into his mouth. Giving a tentative lick, he detected the orchid taste again. If he was going through this, he at least wanted to avoid the disgusting taste of cum as it used to be.

The sealing spell took effect next, and he pulled away to test its effectiveness. Locking eyes with Lyra, he nodded and leaned back. With all the magic in place, he provided his own stimulation by rubbing his shaft. If he was being recorded, he was OK with that.

It came on soon, and he tried to smile at the anticipation, but Lyra’s magic forced his mouth closed. His orgasm came, giving him a shot of pleasure, but he tensed up to pay attention to the next sensations.

Again it swelled in the center of his cock, but then the taste overwhelmed the sex. It was like sweet fruit juice, and he had not realized how thirsty he was. Greedily he gulped and chugged, and stopped paying attention to his surroundings. All he knew was to drink, and all he remembered was that he was the faucet as well.

It took a few minutes for his stomach to fill up. It felt like he’d just eaten a large meal, with the sleepy haze that accompanied it. But after that it was like his entire body was being suffused with warmth and peace and everything good in the world. He was able to focus his eyes one more time on his body, and he saw his belly ballooning up in front of him. Then the bliss got too strong and he rolled his eyes back, enjoying the feeling until it consumed him.

Chapter Six: After a Climax, a Denouement

It happened frequently that Bright Wood would forget what day it was. Calendars were rare in Equestria, and they were more like almanacs, giving the seasons and events rather than the days. Since he didn’t have to work, there was no waiting for the weekend, and no Mondays. There were no months with their Firsts to come around with piles of bills to be paid. There was only sun-up and sun-down.

Had he been in Equestria for a year yet? He remembered the heat of summer where the lighter coated mares would wear suntan oil to make their bodies shimmer and gleam. He remembered cold winter days where they wore full-body sweaters. He’d found a clothier named Rarity who had been keen to see him in one of those, and then keen to see him out of it...

He’d developed a reputation. After some time boldly going up to mares and asking them out, they began to be the bold ones, all knowing that he would be a sure thing. Some he had sex with on a regular basis, like Lyra and Amethyst Star. Others he barely saw, like Vinyl. It was still his mission to seek out those mares who weren’t getting any and become their avenging angel, to argue the case that everypony deserved a good roll in the hay.

Life was good. It was, as the advertisements had implied and the princess had said, satisfying. He’d always worried that, given all the sex he could handle, it would get boring. But it didn’t. Each new mare was like a different flavor of ice cream, and he was always up for that. He enjoyed other pleasures as well, both at home and with friends, but if someone had asked him what his purpose was in life, he would have answered that it was to have sex.

It was only once the pursuit wasn’t constant that he began to see the flipside of the gender-reversed sexuality. If mares were the stronger sex, the stallions were the weaker one, and they kept their eyes down and their mouths closed. Like the housewives of the fifties, they were demure and deferent. But he could feel their stares and smell their disapproval. He had virtually no male friends. He had not been called upon to perform any boy-on-boy action, though a few of his girlfriends said they were interested. No other stallion seemed willing.

Well, what did he care? If they clicked their tongues, so what? It wasn’t as though they would say anything outright, and if they did, he knew all the powerful mares in town, and at need he could get the protection of Princess Cadence herself.

He hadn’t needed her help since he’d learned the true nature of social dynamics in his world, so it was surprising for him to find a summons to the Crystal Empire slipped under the door to his rooms one day. It wasn’t even in Cadance’s pleasant and sultry tones. It was just a formal, “Your presence is requested in the rotunda of the Crystal Palace at your earliest convenience.” Though the note was in fancy red velvet with gold ribbons and lettering. He put it on his mantel. Woody was learning to be a connoisseur of beautiful things.

Although it was still odd, he thought, that Cadance would summon him by letter. She could teleport him to the castle by magic, or plant the idea in his head that he needed to see her, or just move him there by direct rewriting of the data that made up him. But she knew best, and so he prepared to head out on the train north.

Besides, he might meet some new and exotic fillies. The crystal ponies, for example, they shined and glimmered like nopony else. What would the ladies of the Crystal Empire be like, since he always preferred to do it with the lights on?

But he had to get such thoughts out of his head, at least for the moment. He understood why Cadance arranged it so that friendship was necessary. Constant sex probably would have been boring. Near-constant sex kept up the excitement.

That reminded him of Cadance’s offer of perpetual orgasm. Was that what she was summoning him for? To have him bliss off forever? He didn’t think so, because he was definitely not ready for that. Perhaps it was merely to fulfill their bargain. After all, she had said that she was highly attracted to him.

As the train wended its way north, there was nothing to do but wait to find out.

Once he arrived, he galloped to the palace. A walk or a trot was Woody’s normal pace, but he was impatient to get back to his hedonistic lifestyle. The guards were again precise and admitted him to the chamber, but he was surprised to see Cadance absent. He’d gotten the impression that she was always there, even when she was with him.

The doors slammed, and the booming echo in the giant crystal room made him jump and turn, adrenalin pumping. It didn’t help that the pony he saw seemed vaguely familiar, though he couldn’t place it.

He had a white coat, not that that meant anything. Plenty of ponies were white. It was just a color like any other. Indeed, Woody wasn’t even sure that it was an amalgamation of all light waves as it had been on Earth. Colors, even white or black, were defined on their aesthetics rather than their optics. What did seem significant was the red jacket that the pony wore, tight up against his chest like a military tunic, an effect compounded by the decorations on his chest. And the sash—

That was it! Woody remembered, and realized why it had taken him so long to recognize the pony. Faces look different when you’re the one wearing them. And the name....

“You’re...Armor something.” Woody snapped his hooves. “Armor hot dog, Armoire...Shining Armor! That’s it!”

“Prince Shining Armor, if you please, Mr. Wood” the stallion said with a scowl.

Woody didn’t know how serious the title of prince was in Equestria. If gender reversal held, that would make him like a princess, usually a ceremonial title, but still somepony he had to worry about. “Was it you who asked me to come here?”

“Yes, I summoned you. I’ve been hearing some disturbing things about your exploits in your home town.”

“Oh? Anypony I hurt? Or something bad I did?”

Shining Armor huffed, as though he’d been hoping this conversation would be easier. “As a stallion of Equestria, you have a reputation to uphold. You want to think about your honor.”

“And again, have I dishonored myself?”

“Yes, Mr. Wood, you have!”

He was the most gruff stallion that Woody had met, and his insistence on formality made it worse. At the very least, Woody wasn’t worried that he was going to be physically attacked, though Shining looked capable of it. With his musculature, he too would be sought after by many fillies, and if Woody swung that way, he would have been attracted as well.

“But how?”

“Are you really that naive? Do you want me to say it plainly? Fine, you can’t go around sleeping with every mare you meet!”

Woody laughed. “No, I’m not that naive. I just wanted to make you say it. Whether you’re a prude or whatever, I wanted to hear you use some words you weren’t comfortable with. You still couldn’t say sex, I notice.”

It seemed to mollify Shining that Woody was actively engaging with him instead of feigning ignorance. Woody realized that this was an adversarial situation, and that he had to make his case. Any psychological tricks he had would help.

Shining switched tacks from argument to lecture. “Look, Mr. Wood—can I call you Bright?—I understand that you’re enjoying yourself. We all have needs. But there are certain interpersonal relationships between ponies that you have to take cognizance of. I mean, on sheer logistics alone, you can’t sleep with every mare. But if you made it acceptable for stallions to just pick up a mare and spend the night with her, then where do marriages come from, or long-term relationships? The proper way to relate to mares is to take your time, get to know them, and make...you know what...something special and important.”

Woody, to his credit, listened to Shining carefully, mostly to ensure that there was nothing new that he wasn’t expecting. He’d heard arguments like this before, though not usually put so bluntly.

“You look, Mister Prince. If you don’t want to have sex, you don’t have to. But basically you’re saying it’s a matter of supply and demand. If the fillies can get off with someone like me, they won’t want someone like you. But I fail to see why that’s my problem. It’s one thing you can’t argue in good faith: that it’s a moral crime to mess with your market. Bottom line is that I intend to enjoy having sex as much as I can, which involves lots of ponies.”

“And it also involves impersonating me? It’s one thing to go your own way, quite another to use my likeness without my permission.”

Mentally cursing Vinyl Scratch, whom Woody was sure was the one who made it known that he had assumed the features of Shining Armor under her spell, he grit his teeth and said, “You’re completely right. I shouldn’t have done that, even though it was something done to me. And I’ll refuse if asked to do it again. If this was what you were concerned about, I can give you assurance you won’t have to worry.”

“It goes beyond that. I’m responsible, at least in the Crystal Empire, and I like to think throughout Equestria, for maintaining the moral fiber of ponies.”

“Here’s the thing. That kind of attitude may have flown during the age of sexual repression, and if that’s what you’re into, go ahead and admit it. But don’t turn around then and say that stallions are free to express their sexuality. Come out and say that you think they should just be an accessory, a prize for a mare to win.

“Or, if you’re serious about making sure that everypony gets to pursue their sexual goals, then shut up about the moral fiber thing. Because you know nothing about sexual frustration. That’s what’s immoral, showing someone day in and day out how other people are having sex and they’re not.”

Shining put on a smirk. “So what you’re saying is that you couldn’t get any, and the only way you could was to change your identity. And now you want to do that for the mares who can’t get any either.”

“You reveal too much. You’re admitting that you don’t actually want to get ponies into healthy relationships. You just want to make sure the confident and attractive ones have an easier time of it, and it doesn’t matter what happens to everypony else.”

“You’re ranting. Suffice it to say that you are not to adopt my face or form again, and you will curb your appetites. That’s an order.”

Feeling his blood pressure rise, Woody snorted. “Who are you to give me orders. You know, I could call Princess Cadance in here. I’m sure she’d be very interested in what you’re saying.”

“Cadance lets me have a free hoof in dealing with ponies like you.”

“Maybe, but I also happen to know that she’s quite attracted to me.”

“She’d never be unfaithful,” Shining said, but his voice was shaky.

“Unfaithful…oh, that’s how you get the title of prince. Explains why you’re not a winged unicorn, at least.”

“Irrespective, she wouldn’t side with you.”

“Suppose we call her in here.”

Again Shining put on his sneer. “Or we could keep it between us. I mean, if you want to make it a party, we could get everypony in here. You know, your mother has also emigrated to Equestria.”

“Y-you’d do that? Just to mess with me? How is that satisfying?”

“I’d find it quite satisfying. In fact, let’s get her in here. You may enjoy seeing this. Very few ponies ever have.”

Woody was about to ask whether Shining Armor meant that they had ever seen it or ever enjoyed it, when Shining cast a spell in a way that he’d never seen. Normally unicorn magic was a single color in an ethereal field. Purple light emitted from his horn and eyes, and it came in circles and spheres instead of more graceful shapes. Woody had never heard of dark magic, and therefore could not recognize it.

But he could feel its effects, as it was like the air being sucked out of the room. In mid air, off to the side, the room seemed to twist and shatter into pieces. A portal emerged, but its edges were jagged like thorns or broken glass. Woody did not trust himself to walk through it, or even put a hoof on that edge.

“What is it?”

“This, as you might know if you paid attention to anything not between your legs, is a tear between two shards of Equestria. Normally, you could never get to this area, no matter how far you went. But as is, it’s a mere step. And on the other side…” he called through the portal. “Ms. Leaf? Could we speak to you for a moment? Careful when you step through. I’m sure you’d like to speak with your son.”

Woody remembered seeing this figure through a PonyPad. Now that he was a pony himself, he had the facial recognition implanted in him. Even though it was different features, this was the person who had held him as a baby, bandaged his skinned knees, and been there every step of his childhood. There was still an element of respect.

“Hi, mom,” he said quickly, pinning his tail down.

“Son.”

Shining winked at Woody, glad to finally have him off his guard. “Ms. Leaf, are you curious how your son is spending his time in Equestria?”

But before she could respond, again there was a great burst of magic. This time it was simple teleportation, but no less dramatic. Woody’s heart soared at the sight of his patron. Princess Cadance had arrived, and all would be well.

It was accompanied by a boom that shook the air out of the room. Some ponies had heard Princess Luna use it for ceremonies, but Cadance used the Royal Canterlot Voice to express her anger as she shouted, “Shining Armor!”

Cowed, but still showing defiance to Woody, he said, “Yes, Dear?”

“Would you kindly explain why there is a hole in my multiverse?”

“Because I saw no other way of getting the attention of the cause of the problem.” He pointed his hoof at Woody, not bothering to address him. “There he stands, and if anypony can talk sense into him, it should be his mother.”

“And what sense needs to be talked?”

Shining hesitated, and Cadance took the opportunity to soften her tone and say, “Why don’t we all sit down and discuss this like intelligent ponies?” She conjured an oaken conference table with plush chairs for them all. Woody held out one for his mother and sat her down. He wasn’t afraid of her; he just feared her being used against him.

Once they were seated, Shining said, “The fact is that Bright Wood is a disgrace to the male gender. What he does with mares…” he laid out his case again, Woody both embarrassed to have his mother hear it and bored with the rehashing. He finished with, “So what do you have to say to that?”

Woody twiddled his hooves, trying to think of an answer. He heard a sound he dreaded, that of his mother’s sharp intake of breath. It was the sound that preceded every reprimanding she had given him.

She exhaled and said, “Nopony seems to want to actually hear what I have to say.”

“I do,” said Cadance. “Even though Celestia reigns in your shard, you may consider anything you say to me to be going right to her ears.”

Woody had only barely heard of Celestia, but he understood quicker than his mother that the AI would use various forms to present herself.

“Very well, Princess. Now that I hear of my son’s proclivities, I’m glad I was brought here…to tell him how happy I am.”

This was something he hadn’t expected. Woody raised his head.

“And furthermore,” Golden Leaf continued, “I take it as an insult—forgivable from my son, less so from a stranger—that it’s assumed that I expect my son to be chaste. Or even modest. If sexuality is his pursuit, his means of satisfaction, who am I to complain? I suppose both of you think that I’m old and worn out, with no sex drive left. To the contrary, it’s something I hope to rekindle.”

Woody did not want to pursue that line of inquiry. “But Mom, I thought you were so feministic?”

“I am. In the social setting, I want females to be able to carry themselves with as much confidence as males. Whatever species we are. Or, if they want to be demure and shy, to do that, and let males as well. But son, it’s not about feminist versus traditionalist or anything like that. The real difference in people is whether they want to let everyone pick their own values, or whether they want to tell people what the right ones are.”

She crossed her hooves and leaned back to make it clear that she had said all that she had to say. Shining Armor, having realized that he had misplayed the situation, turned red and tried to save his case. “So is nothing to be done about any of this? Is common decency going to go away?”

“Not at all,” his wife said. “We have a much more elegant solution. She pointed her horn, and again the tearing of reality happened. “Here is a shard all prepared for you, one in which relations between stallion and mare are kept under the rose. I shall visit you there at need. Meanwhile, these good ponies are free to go about their business, and you will never hear from them again.”

She made it clear with her tone that this was not an offer. It was an order. Shining Armor turned up his muzzle and stepped through the rift. There were three ponies alone in the room again.

“So that’s it?” Woody asked. “He won’t be back, and nopony else will get on me for…” he looked over at his mother. “Dating?”

“Would you prefer a more dramatic argument? I could arrange for a morality police to take over your town, you could have to sneak around underground.”

“No, that’s fine.”

Golden Leaf stood next to her Bright Wood. “And I won’t be separated from my son anymore?”

Before Cadance could answer, Woody said, “No, you won’t. I won’t let it. We’re maybe not so different as I thought. I’d like to be friends with her.”

“Well, then, Princess, I don’t think there’s much else to say. We’re all satisfied.”

Cadance stepped back and magically opened the door. “Mostly satisfied. Woody, we still have a date. Someday.”

And Woody knew that his life was perfect, and would only get better.