A human is in Equestria as a Unicorn. Human becomes a film director and one of the most controversial figures in Equestrian entertainment.
So a human is in Equestria and is turned into a unicorn. Yadda yadda, we've seen this premise a few thousand times.
But what if he went into Equestria's entertainment business and became a movie director? What if the movies he made were adaptations of his favorite movies and stories back on Earth? How would ponies and other races react to human stories that are morally complex, dark, and terrifying?
I take requests. If there's a certain movie you want the ponies to react to, just post in the comments.
The first movie I made in Equestria was one I really did not want to do. Some cheap romantic comedy called "Love on Wings". I was a rookie and I needed the money so it was either that or work retail. To my surprise it was a moderate success with lukewarm reviews. I had expected it to bomb, honestly.
Oh, sorry, I suppose I should give you a couple paragraphs of exposition.
I was just a regular twenty-seven year old man named John Miles who lived in Los Angeles. Then one night I went to bed as a human, and I woke up in a back street alley as a red unicorn with a brown mane. At first I thought I was tripping on some bad drugs, or having a lucid dream, so I took it in stride. I found a newspaper in a trash bin and read it. Apparently I was in Equestria, that place where that pony cartoon takes place. I also soon found out I was specifically in a city called Las Pegasus. The year was May 5, 979. That made me laugh. It was around noon that I realized it was all real and I freaked the hell out for the rest of the day. The next day I think I went insane because I suddenly decided to tough up and deal with my plight.
I had no money and no home except for a cardboard box in the back alley I first woke up in, so I got a job at some fast food joint that served hayburgers and hay fries. A month after that I got a job at a grocery store. By that time I had managed to save enough for a cheap apartment that cost fifty 'bits' a month. One day a pony asked me why I didn't work at Applewood (their version of Hollywood). I asked them why they thought that , and they responded by saying that my Cutie Mark was a movie camera, so movies must be my special talent. I had heard talk of Cutie Marks during my time here, but I never really looked into it. I went to the library and did research on Cutie Marks. Apparently Cutie Marks represent what a pony is skilled in. I figured "Screw it" and went to Applewood for a job.
So I walked into Applewood hoping to get an easy job like one of those microphone guys or even just a janitor. Instead I almost immediately became a director. Here's how it went down.
I walked into an office building that was offering job positions. I went up to the receptionist. "Hi, I'm looking for a job. My Cutie Mark is a movie camera so I figured I'd look for a job here."
The mare behind the desk gave me a bored look and popped her gum. "Yeah just give me a minute sir I'll find something for you."
Not five seconds later an angry brown earth pony stallion burst through some doors and stormed out the building. "I refuse to direct such a useless piece of trash! I only work on TRUE art!"
A fat blue pegasus in a nice suit ran after him. "Wait! You can't bail now! We already spent the budget and signed all the contracts!" But the angry pony was already gone. "Oh jeez, this is terrible! I need a director now to finish this movie! Anypony would do!"
"Sir," the receptionist mare said, "I've got a new guy here lookin' for a job. He seems like the diretin' type."
The fat pegasus snapped towards me. "You! Can you direct?"
I blinked. "Um, I made some home movies when I was young?"
"Great! You got the job! What's your name sport?"
"John Miles."
He raised an eyebrow at me. "Strange name."
"Uh, it's foreign."
"Ah, okay. Name's Big Bucks, by the way, and I'm one of the top executives in Applewood, if I do say so myself. I need you to direct a movie called 'Love on Wings'. Are you up to it?"
"Sure. How hard can it be?"
I had a shit time making that fucking movie. The original script sucked ballsack so I rewrote half of it. It was full of dull cliches and lame jokes and oh god just thinking of that first script makes my head hurt. Big Bucks and the other executives didn't like the changes I made, but since nobody else wanted to make the movie I had ultimate job security. The only good part about making that movie were the actors. Sure they were a little whiny, but at the end of the day they were cooperative and nice enough. Some of them even approved of the changes I made.
"Love on Wings" only took two months to make. Upon theatrical release it made $20 million bits, which compared to its $5 million bit budget isn't that bad. The general reaction from critics and audiences was "Meh, it was okay."
A week after that Big Bucks called me up to his office. "You did great kid," He said while chomping on a Cuban(?!) cigar, "You actually managed to make that movie turn a profit! So I tell you what, for your next movie I'll let you make whatever you want."
"Any movie I want?" I repeated. I guess this was my life now.
Big Bucks nodded. "Anything, John. So long as it's, y'know, marketable. So hey come back to me later when you have an idea, or if there's something on your mind now just tell me."
... Actually, there was something on my mind for a while now. A certain episode from season 2 that had a lot of potential, but was just utterly wasted. That and it would be fun freaking the hell out of these childish ponies. "Actually, yeah, there is one project I've been wanting to do."
"That's great, so what is it?"
"I want to make a superhero movie."
Big Bucks smiled. "Ah, so you want to direct the sequel to the Power Ponies movie? Smart, that should be an easy one to market."
"No. I don't want to direct a Power Ponies movie. I don't even want to direct a kid's movie."
"Uh, you do know we're not goats right?"
"Look boss, my point is I want to direct a superhero movie that takes itself seriously and shows how superheroes would actually function in the real world."
"Jeez, you're really taking this to heart, ain't ya?"
"Yep."
"Well, if that's what you wanna do next. So, do you got a title for the movie?"
Big Bucks and the other executives gave the green light for my Mare Do Well movie. Sorry, future Mane Six, but stealing your idea before it was actually supposed to exist is for the greater good.
To say that the movie was a perfect adaptation of The Dark Knight would be a lie. Act One was a loose adaptation of the first half of Batman Begins, and Acts Two and Three were basically a condensed version of The Dark Knight itself.
The character Mare Do Well herself is basically a gender bended version of Batman, so instead of Bruce Wayne the character is now Beatrice Wayne. Rachel Dawes is now the best friend instead of the love interest. Harvey Dent/ Two Face is mostly the same, except now he's the love interest to both Mare Do Well and Rachel, thus preserving the love triangle from the original movie but slightly different. The Joker is still his old crazy self because you don't mess with a perfect character like that. I even managed to find pony actors who bore striking similarities to the original actors. The stallion who played The Joker was named Heath Ledge for crying out loud, he even gave the same awesome performance as Heath Ledger! Thank god he didn't accidentally overdose.
Now I know for a fact that making movies back on Earth is hard work, which is why I slapped myself in the face when I realized just how easy it is for ponies to make movies. I didn't notice when I was directing Love on Wings, because I figured it only took two months because all we had to do was film the characters crack bad jokes and do a couple slapstick stunts. It was during Mare Do Well that I discovered that magic is VERY useful in movie making, and saves a lot of time and money. Illusion spells are basically Equestria's version of greenscreen. We used them for everything from explosions to Harvey's half-burned face. It's like this cool third option that's between practical effects and CGI. It really is there in front of the camera, but none of the actors are actually in any danger.
We filmed on location in Las Pegasus. Pre-production began in late September of 979. Post-production ended in early May of 980, one whole year since I arrived in this world.
Opening day was on June 1, 980. I was still a relatively unknown director at the time, but the movie itself had gained a lot of hype. It helped that I based the trailers off of the actual Dark Knight trailers. The world premiere took place at what was basically Equestria's version of the TCL Chinese Theatre. Myself, the producers, the cast, Big Bucks and the other executives were all given the red carpet treatment. We smiled and waved for the cameras. Like I said earlier, I was an unknown to just about everyone (one mare even called me "that one guy that made Love on Wings") so I was mostly ignored in favor of the actors and actresses, who were much more famous than me. There were lots of other celebrities and famous or important people there but I didn't bother with them unless I had to shake their hooves/ hands/ talons.
We all filed into the theater and took our seats. The lights dimmed.
I would like to quickly mention that I did not screen the movie for critics, so what was about to occur was the raw, unbiased reaction of ponykind to a very, very dark story. Some of Equestria's most notorious and hard to please movie critics were actually in the audience, so I could worry about them afterwards.
The movie starts at Wayne Manor, just outside the fictional city of Gotham. There we meet a young and happy-go-lucky Beatrice Wayne earth pony, her wonderful parents Thomas unicorn and Martha pegasus, her snarky but wise butler Alfred Pennyworth unicorn, and her best friend Rachel pegasus. Later on, Beatrice and her parents go to see a play. After the play ends, they leave and cut through a back alley. They're happy and smiling.
And then a stallion whose face is obscured by the night's shadow mugs them, shoots Beatrice's parents in cold blood, and leaves. We never find out his identity. Martha is already dead. The last thing Thomas says to Beatrice before he dies is "Beatrice... Don't be afraid..." The final shot of the scene slowly pans out and lingers on Beatrice as she cries over her parent's dead bodies.
I wanted to laugh my ass off at the ponies. They had all gasped when Martha and Thomas got shot, and by the time the scene was over half the audience was a blubbering wreck and the other half was silently gushing tears. I would also like to mention that that was only the first 15 minutes of the movie.
So we had a ten-year time skip. A twenty-year old Beatrice is being all broody about her dead parents and the high crime of Gotham City in her mansion. Alfred tries giving her a motivational speech at the mansion, Rachel tries giving her a motivational speech on the way to work, Lucius Fox zebra tries giving her a motivational speech after an important business meeting, Carmine Falcone griffon gives her a demotivational speech at a bar, and then Beatrice decides to board a ship and travel the world looking for a purpose.
We get a montage of Beatrice monologuing to herself about how black and white morality was stupid and childish and other philosophical stuff like that. She traveled through foreign cities of griffons, minotaurs, zebras and other races. Special emphasis was given to the part where she goes to a kirin temple and learns about martial arts, willpower, and mastering her fear. I left out the League of Shadows because that's not the story I want to tell.
Beatrice returns to Gotham, reconnects with her friends, meets Harvey Dent earth pony and Deputy Gordon unicorn and starts secretly preparing for her war on crime. We get a quick montage of her creating her crime fighting gadgets and designing her costume with Alfred and Lucius.
We cut to the city docks at night. Falcone and his thugs are there selling a shipment of drugs to some crooked royal guards. Suddenly, Falcone's thugs are picked off one by one in the shadows. The royal guards escape and soon it's just Falcone hiding in his personal carriage. A pair of hooves burst through the roof and pull him upward face-to-face with a masked Beatrice.
"Who are you?!" Falcone asks.
"I'm Mare Do Well." And then Beatrice punches Falcone unconscious.
Gordon and the cops arrive just in time to see Mare Do Well leave and arrest Falcone and his goons.
The screen stays dark for a few seconds, then it cuts to an aerial view of some skyscrapers. What ensues is the opening scene to The Dark Knight.
Nobody made a sound, but I could tell from their faces that the ponies were very uncomfortable. The tense stringy music and bank robbers in creepy clown masks seemed to affect them more than humans. They shifted in their seats when the robbers fired a few rounds in the bank and started yelling at people.
"That's funny, it didn't dial out to 911 it was trying to reach a private number." One of the ponies on the roof said.
"Is it a problem?" The other pony said.
"No, I'm done here." He was promptly shot in the back. The audience gasped.
I heard Big Bucks mutter "Yeesh, no honor among thieves."
The ponies were tense throughout the whole scene. The bank manager (who was a unicorn) pulling out a shotgun, the robbers literally shooting each other in the back, the bus crashing through the wall. But the part that really set them on edge was the Joker's big unmasking. By the way, Joker is an earth pony in case you're wondering.
"Look at you," the mob bank manager unicorn said, "What do you believe in, huh? What do you believe in?!"
The Joker stuck a smoke bomb in his mouth. "I believe that what doesn't kill you simply makes you..." He took off his mask and we got a full close up of his mutilated face, "...Stranger."
Many in the audience physically reeled back in their seats. Some started to look sick and I even heard one mare scream.
The following three scenes were as follows. Beatrice and Alfred are in the secret base under Wayne Manor talking about the Joker, Harvey Dent, and the fact that there is a love triangle forming between Beatrice, Harvey, and Rachel (Puts the actual film in a different light oh ho ho). Next we have Harvey and Gordon talking about corruption in the system and what to do with Mare Do Well. Then we have Mare Do Well and Gordon meet outside of Gordon's house, both questioning whether the other is trustworthy.
I knew the ponies wouldn't react too much to all that, but I knew they were in for a treat for the following mob meeting scene.
Mob bosses Sal Maroni griffon, Gambol zebra, and Chechen earth pony are talking about Falcone's arrest, the problem of Mare Do Well and the Joker's robbery. No, there is no Lau because I didn't want to do that subplot, Beatrice literally just crossed the globe in the previous act. To do that again would be repetitive.
Then the Joker walked in, laughing in a dry, sarcastic manner. "Ahahahaha. Oh hee, ha, ho, hee, ha. And I thought my jokes were bad."
"Give me one reason why I shouldn't have my boy here pull your head off." Gambol said.
"How about a magic trick?" The Joker put a pencil on the table. "I'm going to make this pencil disappear."
Gambol's henchman went up to the Joker. The Joker slammed the henchman down and the pencil went through his eye and into his head, killing him. "Ta da! It's gone."
"AAAAAAAHHH!!!" Was the general reaction of the audience. They already knew by this point that the Joker was a ruthless villain, but they were expecting a Mane-iac ripoff not... this.
After that we have Mare Do Well, Gordon, and Harvey meet on top of the police building. They talk about how they need to start trusting each other and work together if they are to take down the mob and the Joker. Next scene is of Lucius showing Beatrice some gadget upgrades.
Now we have Gambol playing pool in his home. "Hey Gambol, there's somebody here for you. They say they've just killed the Joker." One of his henchman says. "They brought the body here."
A full bodybag is brought in and placed on the table. Gambol opens it and sees that, yes, it really is the Joker dead.
Gambol smiles to those who did the deed. "So, dead. That's 500."
And then the Joker jumped up and put a knife to Gambol's mouth. "How about alive, hm?" The ponies shrieked at the sudden jumpscare.
"You wanna know how I got these scars?" As the Joker rambled on, the ponies got more and more freaked out. "And... why so serious?" Scare chord and cut away shot. Half the audience looked away and the other half was scared stiff. The ponies were nervous wrecks now. They were expecting a superhero movie, not a horror movie.
The rest of the show was pretty much like this.
Harvey talking with the Mayor? Calm ponies. Dead Mare Do Well copycat suddenly appears in front of window hung on a noose, followed by freaky video message? Scared ponies.
Party scene? Calm ponies. Joker crashing party, sexually creeping on Rachel, and Mare Do Well popping up and fighting Joker? Scared ponies.
Epic chase scene in which Joker is captured and has a memorable interrogation with Mare Do Well? Tense, but still calm and collected ponies. Joker breaking out via cell phone bomb inside goon, Harvey getting half his face burned off and Rachel dying in an explosion? Speechless ponies.
"Harvey, it's okay, it's alright... some-" BOOM!
All the ponies were mutely staring at the screen with wide eyes and dropped jaws. They were NOT expecting that. Big Bucks turned his head to me. "You killed the best friend?!"
I gave him a shit eating grin and shrugged.
The following scenes were mostly of Beatrice feeling guilt abut how she couldn't save her best friend. The audience was in full on despair mode now. Apparently killing the best friend in a movie was just something you did not do in an Equestrian film. In hindsight, I should have seen this coming, given the setting. Friendship is magic and all that.
The scene where the Joker corrupts Harvey into Two Face was kept mostly the same, but I added a couple unique lines to my version.
"Anarchy and chaos are not the same thing," Two Face growled. "Chaos is just randomness. It can be good or bad. You're just anarchy. You're just evil."
The Joker smiled and shrugged. "Well, to each their own."
Take THAT ponies and your simple childish views on chaos!
So Two Face went crazy, Mare Do Well caught the Joker, the boats did not blow up, and Two Face died. Mare Do Well told Commissioner Gordon that she would take the fall for Harvey's crimes, and escaped into the night as the rest of the cops and royal guard chased her.
"She didn't do anything wrong!" Gordon's son exclaimed.
"Because she's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now," Gordon explained. "So we'll hunt her, because she can take it. Because she's not our hero. She's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. Mare Do Well."
The movie ended at a solid two hours. The end credits started.
The audience was dead silent for a minute. Then they started talking among themselves.
"What a crappy ending."
"That was scary."
"Why did the bad bad pony live but the good bad pony died?"
They were all in the middle of filing out of the theater when the screen cut to Beatrice in her mansion. She stopped when she saw a pony by the window. "Mare Do Well, huh?" The stallion said. "You think you're the only superhero in the world? Ms. Wayne you've become part of a bigger universe, you just don't know it yet."
"Who the hell are you?" Beatrice demanded.
"Nick Fury, Director of SHIELD."
"Huh?"
"I'm here to talk to you about the Justice League."
The end credits resumed. The general reaction of the ponies was a confused "What the?"
Opening day to the public was a couple days later. Mare Do Well grossed 2 million on opening day, and by the time its theatrical run was over a couple months later, it had grossed just over 1 billion. Reviews were split. Half of the critics praised it as one of the greatest movies ever, while the other half called it needlessly scary, dark, and 'unpatriotic' for depicting corruption in Celestia's royal guard. ...Hm, maybe the latter has a point about corruption in the royal guard. There's no doubt that they're incompetent pussies, but I don't recall any villainous guards from the actual show.
I had two meetings with Big Bucks during Mare Do Well's theatrical run. The first was a couple days after opening day.
"WHAT IN TARTARUS WERE YOU THINKING?!" He yelled. "You said you wanted to make a superhero movie, not a snuff film!"
Well apparently snuff films exist in Equestria. Moving on, this was my response. "I wanted to make a superhero movie that also happened to be a crime thriller."
"The parents at Celestia's Morals are going to have a shit fit!"
"Mare Do Well is a movie for adults, not for children. Hey, we can use that against them! How dare you take your child to a movie for adults!"
"Oh my god, John, it's not that simple."
"Sure it is boss, all we need to do is fix the rating system. We need something between PG and R. *cough*PG13*cough* Yeah, that'll make everything better."
"It's not just the parents of traumatized children you'll have to worry about. The press will be out to get you. The more underhanded newspapers will no doubt depict you as some sort of psychotic anarchist."
"I'll need makeup and a purple coat."
"Will you take this seriously already! Your job is on the line here! I and the other executives are seriously considering firing you!"
I gave him an even look. "Tell me, Big Bucks, did you like the movie?"
"Did I what?"
"Did you like watching the movie?"
"Well, yes..."
"Did it excite you? Did it captivate you? Did it make you ask questions?"
"Well, yeah! It was fun to watch, I guess, but it was really risky. It was too different from what the public is used to."
"Then let the public decide."
"Eh?"
"I'll make you a wager. If Mare Do Well makes more than 100 million bits before its theatrical run is over, I continue having free reign in making whatever movie I want."
"And if the movie doesn't?"
"Then you can keep a metaphorical leash on me, and I will conform to Applewood standards."
Big Bucks rubbed his chin, then smiled and leaned over his desk. "John Miles, you have yourself a deal." We shook hooves.
Like I said earlier, Mare Do Well ultimately grossed 1 billion bits.
When we met again a few months later, Big Bucks just gave me this flat glare. "How did you do it."
I shrugged and had a dopey expression on my face. "LOL I dunno."
Big Bucks close his eyes and shook his head. "Alright, fine, you win. However you made that movie, it made a lot of money, so keep doing it."
I did a victory hoof pump. "Yes! Art prevails!"
"Right. Say, if you don't mind me asking, what was up with that eye patch pony during the end credits? And what the hay is the Justice League?"
"Oh, that was just a sequel hook."
"For another Mare Do Well movie?"
"Nope! You see what I'm gonna do is do four more solo superhero movies, then the sixth film will be a big team up crossover!"
"...So, you're gonna introduce each of these heroes in their own films, one at a time, and then bring them together?"
"Yeah."
"And then this Justice League is supposed to be your version of the Power Ponies?"
I frowned. "No. The only thing the Justice League will have in common with the Power Ponies is that they're both superhero teams. And that's it. Besides, the Justice League will be way cooler than the Power Ponies."
"That's a big claim. So how long until this Justice League movie actually becomes a thing?"
"Oh, not for, like, at least five years. Oh! That reminds me! You wouldn't mind if I directed two unrelated movies back to back would you?"
"Now hold on there, you're good but I don't think you're that good. Making two movies at the same time is incredibly hard work."
"That's why one is going to be a low budget horror and the other will be the second installment of my Justice League series."
"Well, you won our wager, so I might as well let you deal with the consequences if this blows up in your face. Hit me. What's the scary movie about?"
"It's about an old pony who puts other ponies into deathtraps, and they have to find a way out before they get chopped up. I call it Saw."
"...Right. And your next superhero?"
"Okay, so bear with me on this. A big green dragon of absurd power awakens from his ancient slumber to stop another big gold dragon of absurd power from destroying the world."
Big Bucks walked into the studio just as I brought the ax down and split the fake pony head in half, spraying myself with red syrup and food coloring.
"Yep, works like a charm." I said with a smile. I looked to the side to see Big Bucks staring with me with a dropped jaw. His cigar had fallen out of his mouth. "Uh... yeah this is exactly what it looks like."
"You just killed that pony!"
"Relax, it's just oobleck and wax." I yanked the ax out of the fake brain matter and set it on the ground. "I'm just making sure the special effects for my next movie aren't half-assed."
Big Bucks gave a nervous gulp. "Well, okay then. You had me going there for a second. This is for that Saw movie you're making, right?"
"Uh huh, we start filming next week. We should have it done in a couple months just in time for Nightmare Night."
"You really think you can get this done by then?"
I picked up a towel from a table and started wiping the fake blood off my face. "Oh yeah, definitely. This movie's super cheap, the budget's only one million, and the final running time should only be a little over an hour. An hour and twenty minutes tops."
"Aren't you also working on another movie about dragons? Doing two movies at once is hard work, especially for a guy new to the business such as yourself."
"Oh I've already got the script and miniature cities finished for that. All we have to do is hire a cast and start filming. That should be done around, oh... next year summer."
"That's a tight deadline. You better be able to handle it."
Opening day for Saw was one week before Nightmare Night. By the time the movie was over, one-fourth of the audience had run out of the theater screaming, one-fourth had fainted, one-fourth was trying to recover from violently puking, and the last fourth was sitting rigid in their seats with clenched teeth and wide eyes.
Meanwhile I was just sitting back in my seat with my front hooves behind my head and one leg crossed over the other, humming a tune.
"Most ponies are so ungrateful to be alive. But not you, not anymore."
"AAAAAHHH!!!"
"Game over!" Jigsaw closed the door.
"AAAAAHHH!!!"
The end credits started playing so I got up and stretched. "Well that was fun. Who's up for dinner? I'm paying."
Big Bucks, who had been sitting next to me, threw up on the floor. "HURAAAAGH!"
"I'll take that as a no then."
Saw didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped. It only made 20 million at the box office and reviews were mixed with a leaning towards the negative. Turns out that little ponies really don't like gorefest snuff films and downer endings. Oh sure Mare Do Well also had a downer ending, but there was still some hope. Saw on the other hand had a straight up hopeless ending and the villain won.
Maybe I shouldn't be too dark and edgy with the movies I'll be making. I'll become predictable and the ponies will be apathetic towards any of my projects. Well, I guess that means no Saw sequel, not that I was gonna do one anyways. Not to say I won't do other horror stories...
A few days later I was sitting in front of Big Buck's desk. Big Bucks himself was there in front of me, head facing downwards and with his hooves in his face. "Please don't do anything like Saw again." He said in a tired tone.
"Okay." I said.
Big Buck's head snapped up towards me with a hopeful expression. "Really?"
"Well, I definitely plan on doing other horror films in the future with plenty of blood and guts, but I'm gonna make it a point to make sure they all have a happy ending, or at least a bittersweet ending. In hindsight Saw's ending was a bit of a downer."
"A bit of a downer?! That was the most depressing ending ever! Even worse than Mare Do Well! No wonder the box office tanked!"
"We made twenty million out of a one million budget. I call that a success."
"The critics hated your movie."
"...Okay now that was uncalled for."
"John, this is just my way of saying be careful. Sure Mare Do Well made a billion, and that made you and I really happy. But you wanna know what that really was? Beginner's luck. I can tell you're very creative with your ideas, I mean, just look at Love on Wings!"
"I really don't want to talk about that movie."
"Regardless, you took what should have been a failure and managed to make a decent profit out of it. I've put a lot of faith in you John, but someday you're gonna make a movie that will alienate the audience, and it's gonna flop."
"And then what? You and every other executive are just gonna drop me like a hot potato?"
"... Not exactly, but it's gonna be a black mark on your permanent film record. Look at it this way: that twenty million you made off of Saw? Oh sure we can count that as a success, but only because the budget was a measly one million. What if it was one hundred million, hm?"
I narrowed my eyes. "I'm not gonna screw up that badly."
Big Bucks regarded me for a moment as he puffed his cigar. "I don't want to be that bad guy here John, but in this business, anyone can fall. Countless directors have started their careers with a series of hits, only to make that one dud that completely ruins them. Very few actually have a lengthy career."
I felt like a school kid getting lectured. I splayed my ears down and looked to the floor.
"Oh hey c'mon don't be like that," Big Bucks said, "I'm just trying to give you some pointers so you can survive. Let's just look back on this as an example of what not to do: making movies like Saw."
I nodded my head a few times. "Yeah, okay. But I'm still gonna do more scary movies!"
"As long as they don't end like Saw, I'm A-OK with that. Say, I just remembered, how's that dragon movie you're making coming along? Gojyra, was it called?"
"You mean Gojira, and we actually just started pre-production right now. I'm looking for ponies to play the Equestrian part of the cast so we can film their scenes, and we're in the middle of building accurate replicas of real life cities."
"Hold up. What do you mean 'the Equestrian part of the cast'?"
"Only a few of the main characters are actually going to be ponies. I'm also looking for foreign dragon and kirin actors."
"And how do you plan on doing that?"
"By flying to Neighpon with my crew, of course."
Two months later I was at the airport with most of the cast and crew for Gojira. We were going to fly over to Neighpon, find the actors for the kaiju, film any scenes that took place in Neighpon, and then fly back to Equestria to finish filming.
So we all got molested by the TSA (Some shit never changes, no matter what universe), boarded the plane (Yeah turns out Equestria has had airliners for almost a decade) and we took flight.
Back on Earth, I've flown about five times (ten if you count the return flights) so I was used to the sensation of taking off. Apparently it was going to be a ten hour flight to Neighpon, so I brought a couple of books along and a small pillow for sleeping. Although, if I am to assume that Earth and this world are roughly equivalent, with Equestria being America and Neighpon being Japan, then this world must be smaller in size. On Earth a flight from California to Japan takes about twelve hours, while here it's only ten, and I could tell just from looking that pony planes are WAY more primitive and slower than modern human planes.
Besides myself, the pegasi seemed at ease, for obvious reasons. The earth ponies and other unicorns seemed really nervous, though. One of our new guys on the camera crew, an earth pony named Film Reel, was sitting right next to me. He looked super jittery.
"First time flying?" I asked him.
Film Reel looked at me and nodded. "Y- yeah. Just a little scared."
"You'll get used to it. First you'll feel tingly in your stomach, then your ears will hurt from the air pressure, then you'll be bored out of your mind. It's not that bad."
"You speak like you have a lot of experience flying."
"That's because I do. I've actually been to Neighpon before, while filming Mare Do Well."
"Oh yeah the scene where she trains in that temple!"
"Exactly."
"So what's Neighpon like?"
"Beautiful scenery, great food and hilarious anime."
"What's anime?"
"Anime is basically animation, like cartoons, but not like cartoons."
"What do you mean?"
"It's hard to precisely explain. I like to look at it like this: Cartoons are typically more child friendly and play it safe, while Anime, while also willing to be child friendly, is perfectly willing to take risks and tell more mature stories. Another thing-"
The plane started moving.
"Hold that thought, we're taking off." I had the window seat. You always stop what you're doing to look out the window if you have the window seat.
I would have done an adaptation of the original Gojira movie, but this world didn't have to worry about nukes or radiation, so the inhabitants of this world wouldn't have been able to relate to it. And quite frankly, it would probably be seen as a racist anti-dragon movie. I'm not taking that risk.
I'll be honest with you guys, the Gojira movie I'm making for these ponies is a mix between Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster (1964) and Godzilla (2014). Basically, Godzilla and Ghidorah are already arch enemies who battled thousands of years ago, and when Ghidorah is unleashed by ponies in Neighpon, Godzilla wakes up to stop him. Along the way Mothra and Rodan help Godzilla as fellow ancient protectors of the Earth. Yes I'm calling this planet Earth because apparently there is no official name for this stupid planet. Anyways Ghidorah makes his way towards Equestria and is defeated by the three heroic monsters in Las Pegasus via being blown up and sinking into the ocean.
There are five monster battles. Godzilla vs Ghidorah, Rodan vs Ghidorah, Mothra vs Ghidorah, Godzilla vs Rodan vs Mothra, and finally Godzilla, Rodan, and Mothra vs Ghidorah.
I made sure to throw in an aesop explaining how ponies are arrogant little shits for thinking that nature is completely at their mercy, and just how helpless they really are in the face of a greater natural force (which the kaiju represent). Of course there's scenes between the pony and kirin characters to connect the events together so that it all at least resembles a plot.
Of course, we have to actually film all of this stuff first.
I was jostled from my nap when the plane started to rock. "Huh, what?" I looked out the window to see us closing in on an air strip. "Oh, we're here." I was having the weirdest dream, like several months had passed when it had only been a few hours.
The plane landed on the runway and slowed to a stop. A stair was rolled onto the runway and set up to the plane door. The door was opened and I stepped out into the fresh air. "I'm back, baby."
A kirin wearing a nice suit was waiting for us. He gave a polite smile and bow. "Welcome to Neighpon. We are honored to have you here, Mr. Miles. I am Shinrai, and I will be your escort to our studio." So we were all loaded onto a bus and we drove about twenty miles to their film studio. Along the way I explained to Shinrai what kind of movie Gojira was and what I needed for it. He smiled and nodded. "Of course Mr. Miles, we can provide what you need."
So we arrived at their film studio and the cast, crew, and myself were all seated a big dining table for lunch. We were given hot soup for appetizers, but then I noticed there weren't any noodles in the soup. "Uh excuse me, but where's the noodle?"
The kirin waiter gave me an even glare and he said, "We give you hot and sour soup while you wait for NOODLE!" Then he stomped off.
Film Reel leaned in close to me. "I thought kirins were big on politeness."
I nodded. "Well most of them are, but you can't expect them all to be the same. That would be silly."
"What's this green blob on my plate?"
"Never had wasabi before, kid?"
"No. What is it?"
"It's a condiment that only the toughest ponies can handle."
"Oh yeah? Well I'm tough!" He put the whole damn blob of wasabi in his mouth. He chewed and swallowed. "Heh, that wasn't so bad. Kinda tasted like... like... haaaaaaaaaa." A horrified look washed over his face. I pushed my still cold cup of water over to him. Film Reel hastily chugged it.
After we were treated to what was basically a vegetarian meal, we got to business. "The cast auditions are ready," Shinrai said.
I smiled. "Excellent. Let's get right to it." I looked to the cast and crew. "Ladies and gentleponies, I'm off to judge the auditions for our kirin and dragon actors. You may want to go to your hotel rooms. I'll see you all tomorrow."
So I followed Shinrai to a large open room, where there was a crowd of kirins and dragons lined up against a wall. They saw me and started talking to each other in quiet but excited tones. I gave them all a friendly wave. Shinrai and I entered a small adjoining room and took our seats at the table. I nodded to Shinrai, who then nodded to the kirin aid who was patiently waiting by the door. "We may begin."
You would not believe how lucky I got. Somehow, somehow, I managed to find three dragon actors who were near identical to the kaiju I needed. Well, the mlp fim universe is one of those kinds of places that has lots of homages to other universes, so I suppose it kinda makes sense that I would find three people near identical to the characters they were gonna portray. Near identical being the key words.
Godzilla was gonna be played by a dark green wingless dragon named Ryu. He had the posture, the dorsal fins, even blue flames! But he was nervous as fuck and was a little pudgy around the thighs. Well, if I wanna reference the 90's movies... Anyways, I decided to give him a chance. But I told him that he was gonna have to work out a little to build some muscle. Also I had a make-up team put little pointy ears on his head.
Ghidorah was going to be played by an old golden river dragon named Atisuto. He had the same head design as Ghidorah and apparently he was a very experienced and respected actor in Neighpon, but his snake-like body, four limbs and lack of wings weren't selling me. That's when Shinrai suggested the simple but brilliant solution of using illusion magic. It was so obvious in hindsight that I wanted to punch myself in the face. So here's what we did with Atisuto. One of our special effects unicorns cast an illusion spell that made it look like he had a pair of great golden wings, two tails, and his forelimbs were now a couple of extra heads. We all found this last one hilarious because while it looked like he was being all badass wrecking shit with his three heads, all he was actually doing was waving his arms around like a crazy person.
Rodan was... a bit of an inspiring case. He was a birdlike brown winged dragon named Hato, and he was crippled. He entered the room like a dragon from Skyrim, using his wings like they were arms. Apparently he had been caught in an accident a few years back, and the only way the doctors could save him was if they amputated his arms and tail. Shinrai immediately dismissed him and tried to convince me to consider somebody less "inconvenient". Apparently another similarity Neighpon shared with Japan was their discrimination against the disabled. Of course I gave Hato a chance. The guy was just so optimistic and passionate in his audition that I gave him the role right then and there. He was so surprised that he got the job that he actually shed a few tears of joy.
Mothra would be played by an animatronic butterfly. No need for wires, we had levitation spells.
So we also got our kirin actors that we needed, which was a lot more mundane than it sounded. Now all we needed was for the actors to memorize their scripts and prepare the little cities for stomping.
We filmed the indoor city stomping scenes in the winter. We filmed the Neighpon scenes in the spring. Post-production took place after we flew back to Equestria in the summer. Gojira was released in the summer of 981.
I lounged back in my seat and smiled at the onscreen destruction. Godzilla and Ghidorah grappled with each other, knocking over buildings with zero fucks given. Mothra and Rodan occasionally swooped in, harassing Ghidorah. Little ponies fled the city streets, trying to avoid the fighting titans and falling debris. I especially liked the part where a whole platoon of Royal Guards come in all badass looking, they charge with their swords and spears drawn... and then Godzilla steps on them without even noticing. The scene was played for laughs.
The theater audience was really into it if only for the shock value. There was an occasional frightened gasp or whimper, but there wasn't any screaming or fainting. While this most certainly was a monster movie, it was also an action movie, not a horror movie.
I don't think the ponies were used to such blatant destruction, or to be told that they would be more or less helpless in the event of a kaiju attack. I wonder if I overdid it.
Reviews were mixed.
Half the critics called it a subversion of the typical monster movie with a very philosophical message, while the other half dismissed it as merely a big dumb summer movie that glorified chaos, destruction and dragons. What a bunch of racist dicks.
The box office earnings were pretty good. Our budget was 100 million, and our total at the box office was 200 million. But that was just in Equestria, we made a lot more from our international audience. Neighpon LOVED it, making us 900 million. Gojira was also really popular with dragon audiences, to the surprise of nobody.
So I had my usual meeting with Big Bucks, but this time I told him I might need some time to think about what movie I was gonna make next. He was okay with that and told me to come back whenever I was ready.
It was two months after Gojira was released.
I was just casually walking down the streets of Las Pegasus, minding my own business. Even though I was a famous movie director, I was a common sight in downtown Las Pegasus. The ponies knew who I was, but they were so used to my presence in the area that they almost treated me like I was a regular customer, which is how I would have preferred it honestly. I was still asked for autographs, however.
I entered a local bookstore. I was reminded of Barnes & Noble every time I came here.
So I was just browsing along the isles when I saw a crowd of children and young adults over by the manga section. Curious, I approached them. "What's going on over here?"
A mare turned her head towards me. "Oh my gosh! It's John Miles!"
The others gasped and started excitedly chattering. I had to stop them before they pulled out their papers and pens! "Yes it's me, but let's focus on the important thing here. What were you all just looking at now?"
A little earth pony colt said, "Didn't you hear about the Equestrian translations of the first volumes of the most super cool mangas ever being released today?"
I smiled. "Really now? Let me take a look." This should be good. I've read some manga from this world. It was okay, but not as good as the stuff back home. It was also a lot tamer. I bet they were all looking at some cutesy magical filly or cheesy tokusatsu hero. Ha ha ha ha ha!
I saw the titles on the New Releases shelf.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha...
What I saw made my blood run cold.
Mobile Suit Gundam.
Super Dimension Fortress Macross.
Astro Colt?!
I stared. "Um, are you okay?" One of the other ponies asked.
Son of a BITCH!
I picked up a copy of each and bought them. I rushed home with a bag of manga hanging from my mouth. I was pissed as hell.
A half hour later I made it to my classy single-story house in the suburb I lived in. What? Were you expecting me to live in a mansion on the mountainside? Screw that. I actually like having neighbors.
I entered my house, locked the door, and went straight to my study office. I set the three manga on my work desk, sat in my chair and glared. How the fuck was this happening?! I thought I was the only human in this world! And now I got some motherfucker stealing my idea! DAMMIT!
After a few minutes of raging and a few more minutes of cooling down, I decided to actually read what I bought. I was surprised how close they were to the source material. The only real change was that the humans were now ponies and other races. Kirin were common, this was written in Neighpon, not Equestria. The manga were also actually really good. I finished all three in two hours and was left wanting more. Damn... I miss that feeling. Good ol' Earth nostalgia.
I calmed down some more when I realized that this was probably for the best. I love anime and manga, I really do, but stories like that just can't be properly adapted to film. So if somebody else is filling in that niche that I never could, then so be it.
That's when I finally noticed that all three manga were written by the same person. Why did it take me this long to finally notice? Because I'm a dumbass. Anyways, they were all written by the same guy: Katsu Kato.
I ran over the crest of the grassy hill, holding the camera and tripod with my magic. A few hundred yards downhill on the river was a small plane. I called down to the pilot, who was a llama. "CARL! START THE ENGINE!"
Carl, who was in the middle of reeling in a fish, looked up at me with a blank look. He saw the swarm of capybara natives chasing after me. They were throwing spears and shooting arrows while screaming "AI AI AI AI!"
Carl gave a calm blink. "Huh. That's problematic." He jumped into the pilot seat and started the plane up.
I was at the riverbank. I heroically jumped, grabbed onto a vine, swung out and let go... and I fell ten feet short of the moving plane into the river. I sputtered out water, whipped my head to the still moving plane, and started swimming as fast as I could. The capybaras were all lined up on the riverbank, chanting tribal nonsense and still shooting at me. "Carl! Wait up!"
"You better start swimming faster," Carl said with a casual voice. "Because I'm not stopping."
I grabbed onto the edge just as the plane began to gain speed and lift off. I used my magic to shove the camera and tripod into the passenger seat. The plane was now in midair, leaving the jungle far below. I was hanging on for dear life. "AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"
"You seem to be in a precarious position," Carl commented.
"You're not helping!" I yelled back. I climbed the side of the plane and plopped myself into the safety of the passenger seat. I gave a relieved smile, but before I could relax my hooves touched something slimy. I looked down and my eyes widened. "CARL WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!"
"Oh that's one of my meat puppets," Carl explained. "Please don't smash it I'm saving it for later."
"I HATE YOU CARL! I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!"
"Oh come on you don't mean that."
We bantered and argued for the whole flight until we touched down in the little village we originally took off from. I took my supplies and jumped off the plane onto the dock. I tossed Carl a little bag of bits. "There, I paid you for your services. I will never hire you again."
Carl gave a serene smile. "Why not? Don't you remember all the good times we had on our adventure?"
"You pushed me into piranha infested rivers twice, fed me to a flesh-eating plant, poisoned me, and almost left me behind to die at the mercy of cannibal capybaras."
"Yeah, good times. Good times."
"You were the worst guide ever, Carl. Goodbye." I walked along the dock to the village on the riverside. The sun was setting. The rest of the crew was there waiting for me. Two days earlier the capybaras attacked us in the jungle and we all escaped, but we had accidentally left the camera behind, so I went back with Carl to retrieve it. Mission accomplished.
Sorry, I should give you guys some context. A little over a week ago, we had flown down to South Amareica to film scenes for my adaptation of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Back in Equestria it was winter, but down here it was summer.
I found the rest of the cast and crew in the local bar. I sat down on a stool at the counter right next to Film Reel, who was trying and failing to hit on girls. "Hey guys. I'm back."
"Holy shit! You're alive!" Film Reel exclaimed. "The boss made it back! I win the bet!" There were several annoyed groans and everypony gave him a bit.
I pointedly glared for a moment, then I turned my attention to the bartender, who was a tapir. "Give me the strongest thing you got."
The bartender poured me a shot of a dark red drink. "We call this the Brain Breaker. Hope it helps, senor."
I downed the shot in one go and shook my head. It burned going down. Seconds later my brain started feeling fuzzy. "Another," I said.
"Hey boss," Film Reel said, "Where are we gonna go after this?"
I downed the second shot. "We still have to do filming is Saddle Arabia. We're gonna be spending a couple months over there, actually. And after that, we're gonna finish filming in Equestria. Another shot please." The bartender poured a third shot. I downed it.
"So are we done filming the jungle scenes?" Film Reel asked.
I nodded. "YEP, we're- hic- we're done with this rainforest death world. Now we gotta- hic- go to a desert death world. Our flight is tomorrow." I tipped backwards and hit the floor. Good night, sweet prince.
I woke up in my hotel room. After cleaning up in the bathroom I went down to the dining area, where everyone was already eating breakfast. It was explained to me that I had passed out and was dragged to my room. It also occurred to me that our flight to Saddle Arabia was in less than three hours.
The next two hours was a panic filled bum rush to make sure that we had everything and nothing was left behind. Thankfully we made it to the airport on time and we got the hell out of there. Fuck the rainforest, that place sucks. Then I remembered that we were going to this world's equivalent of the Middle East. As an American of the 21st century, I was expecting a miserable desert populated by a bunch of fanatical savages that still thought it was the year 100 BC.
I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was wrong. Saddle Arabia was just as cutesy and relatively innocent as Equestria. Which kinda makes sense, in hindsight. I mean, shit, if Middle East terrorists were a thing in this world, then Equestria would have had its version of 9/11 in Season 2, and those horse ambassadors wouldn't have been let into the country let alone be allowed to be next to Celestia during a fireworks show. Ah, the benefits of an optimistic G-rated universe.
I was grateful that the locals were nicer and more welcoming than in the real world, really, I was! But it was hard to let go of prejudices. The rest of the crew was having fun and interacting with the local camels and horses, meanwhile I was eyeing everyone with suspicion and being paranoid. My fear proved to be unfounded, because the most trouble I got was when a merchant swindled me. Ten bits for a two bit charm, that bastard.
But we were still in a desert, and the heat was a very real danger. We stayed in the shade as often as we could and kept our heads covered, and we carefully rationed our water supplies. And don't get me started on keeping sand from getting into the filming supplies! ARGH! We took filming scenes in the desert very seriously, because screwing up meant we had to do a retake, and doing a retake meant spending more time in the heat than we had to.
The heat wasn't the only danger out there. When we came upon a fork in the road, one way being the long way and the other being a shortcut to our destination, our guide chose the long way with no hesitation. When I asked why we weren't going the short way, he looked me dead in the eye and said, "Down that path live many sandworms, ghouls, and giant ant-lions." That was all the explaining we needed. We didn't actually encounter any on our little adventure, thank god, but it was still scary to think that shit like that existed in this world.
We spent a couple months filming there. Our time was split 50/50 between camping out in the desert and hanging out at surprisingly luxurious hotels. By the time we finished and flew back to Equestria, it was spring 982. We finished filming at the studio.
Opening night was in late spring. Raiders of the Lost Ark was an instant success. It was just like in the real world, the movie immediately became a part of pop culture. Although there were some questions raised.
I sat on the set of a popular talk show hosted by one Bill O'Really, who was a grey earth pony. For a couple minutes now he's been asking me basic and safe questions, but now he was getting to the juicy stuff.
"So what can you tell us about the bad guys in Raiders of the Lost Ark?" O'Really asked.
"They're Nazis," I replied.
"Is that some evil organization that you made up for this movie?"
"... Yes. But they're actually an evil political party that has a large following."
"What's their motive?"
"They believe that ponies are the Master Race, so they want to commit genocide against all other sapient races and take over the world under a pony-only empire."
"Oh my, that sounds rather extreme."
"I wanted the villains to be a credible threat and I didn't want the audience to feel bad when they died."
"And regarding their plan, what was up with that again?"
"They wanted to use the power of an ancient god to take over the world, but that obviously backfired."
"If they wanted to use the power of a god, why didn't they go after Princess Celestia?"
"Because Princess Celestia isn't a god, duh."
The crowd gave a shocked gasp. O'Really glared at me. "Really now. So you and by extension the Nazis don't recognize Princess Celestia as a deity?"
"That is correct."
"SO YOU'RE A NAZI???"
"I thought I made it clear that the Nazis were the villains, and therefore in the wrong, you imbecile."
"But you and the Nazis agree that Celestia isn't a god!"
"Correct. But here's where we disagree. The Nazis see Celestia as a threat to their plans, whereas I see her as a regular pony."
"How DARE you say that!"
"You know what your problem is? You don't see Celestia as a pony, you see her as a symbol. You put her on a pedestal and expect her to be perfect 24/7. You know what I see? I see a pony stuck with the shitty burden of raising the sun and moon everyday, while she babysits a race of toddlers that can't fend for themselves unless they have a mother figure watching over them. And all the while they're talking about how great she is for the things she does for them, but nobody asks what they can do for her. It's always about us little ponies but never about Celestia. And through it all she wears that queenly mask so she can stay strong for us while she tolerates our nonsense. Respect."
Bill O'Really jumped out of his chair and tackled me to the ground. He started punching me. "OH REALLY? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?! YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY AN EVIL VILLAIN WHO WANTS TO BRAINWASH OUR CHILDREN WITH ANTI-CELESTIA NAZI PROPAGANDA!!!!"
Two security guards rushed onto the set and pulled O'Really off of me. They dragged him off the set while he raged the whole way. "RABLABLA! BURN THE HERETIC!"
I sat up and rubbed my bloody nose. "Well that escalated quickly."
It was a week later. I was sitting at my desk trying to choose my next movie when I heard a knock at the door. "Who could that be?"
I opened the front door to see a pony pointing a pistol at me. He shot me in the chest. I gave a pained cry and fell onto my side. I stared with horror as red trickled from my chest and onto the floor. The pony entered my home and coldly glared down at me.
"Why?" I weakly asked.
The pony aimed the gun back at me. "For raping my childhood." He shot me two more times in the side.
"Jesus Christ!" A second pony exclaimed as he entered through the doorway. "You freaking shot him?!"
The first pony rolled his eyes. "Oh relax. It's not like I killed him."
Now that I thought about it, the gunshot wasn't that loud, and my body only stung a little and did not at all feel like I just got drilled by three metal slugs. And was that paint I smelled? I wiped the red off my chest and sniffed it. That's not blood, it's paint! "Did you just shoot me with a fucking paintball gun?"
"Yes." The first pony replied. He shot me a fourth time in the leg.
"Stop that!" The second pony demanded.
"Not until he pays for what he did." He was about to shoot me again when I pulled the gun out of his grasp and snapped it in half. He didn't get angry, rather he looked like I had only slightly inconvenienced him.
"Oh yeah? And what would that be?"
"You raped Batman, Jigsaw, Godzilla, and Indiana Jones. You must be stopped before you rape any more pop culture icons."
"WHAT?!"
"Will you knock it off already!" The second pony yelled. "We're here to recruit him, not piss him off!"
"Stop," I said, closing my eyes and taking in a breath. "Just stop." I looked them over. The first pony was a pegasus stallion with a dark grey coat and a light grey mane. The second pony was an earth pony stallion with a light tan coat and a brown mane. "Start from the beginning. Why are you here?"
The second pony gave a shamed look to the floor, then he returned his gaze to me. "I'm sorry about my friend here, I really am. My name is Ernie Bud, and my friend here is Jack Rennard. We were supposed to ask you if you wanted to join our organization, OOTH, but I understand if you don't want anything to do with it, Mister Miles."
I raised an eyebrow. "Ooth?"
"Organization of Trapped Humans."
My eyes widened. "You're... you're like me, aren't you? You're human."
He nodded. "Yeah."
I pointed at Ernie. "You mentioned Jesus earlier." I pointed at Jack. "And you mentioned Batman, even though my version was only ever referred to as Mare Do Well. Of course you're human! Nobody in this universe would know those things!"
"Yep."
"How many of you are there?"
"We only started last year, but there's already dozens of us. For obvious reasons, we're a secret organization, out of the eyes of the public and government."
"That sounds ominous."
"Yeah but it sounds kickass too, don't it?"
"Hell yeah! I knew there were others like me but I didn't think I'd actually meet any of them anytime soon! Sign me up!"
"Just like that? People are usually suspicious about us."
"Oh I totally am, but I'm willing to take that risk."
"Great! Wanna come to our secret base?"
"Hold up, how far is it? I have to start working on my next movie soon."
"It's up north, in the Smokey Mountains."
I tapped my chin with my hoof. The Smokey Mountains were a little over a hundred miles away from Los Pegasus.
"How about I meet you guys at the train station there in two days?"
Ernie's face lit up. "Great! See you then!"
"Just one thing before you guys go." I punched Jack in the face. "There, now we're even."
Jack scrunched his nose and wiped away the little trickle of blood. "Fair enough."
Ernie breathed a sigh of relief. This was usually the part where a brawl would break out.
