First published 19th of September, 2014
Twilight reads a book.
Twilight reads an EXCITING book! Join her on this literary adventure!
Chapters
It was a dark stormy night with winds as powerful as tanks knocking against the treehouse of the ever infamous and highly regarded Princess Alicorn Twilight Sparkle.
She was just laying down on her wondrous sheets and wearing her normal silk pajamas.
She had reading to do, and though the book did not look interesting, Princess Celestia had assigned it so she had to read it.
She opened the book and her eyes scanned the page.
Page after page passed and her eyelids grew heavy as the hours sinked by.
Hour after hour, page after page, the time passed unbearably slowly for the tired alicorn.
She yawned and spent a moment looking down at her small, scaled assistant.
He had been able to go to bed when she had wanted, only shortly after having received her book.
Now she sat here, wanting to sleep but being unable.
Thus she continued.
On and on the book continued, reciting pointless fact after pointless fact.
At least facts I have already read a hundred million times before.
She sighed and turned the page.
And the next page.
And the next page.
Suddenly, she turned the page.
Twilight facebooked the book and pushed it to the side.
She wanted to rest, and maybe she could afford just a moment or two.
A simple few moments…
Grumble.
“Damnit!”
Twilight immediately moved off of her bed and swiftly trotted down the stairs, each hoof resounding within the dark treehouse.
Her horn glowed bright to illuminate the nice wooden furniture.
She went into her kitchen and licked her lips when her eyes happened upon some cake from a party with Pinkie earlier that night.
Now if only it hadn’t left me so drained.
She picked it up and bit into her lip.
Twilight had had so much to eat earlier that day, and this could upset the peculiar balance of her normal dietary system.
She shrugged and slammed a hoof into the counter to flip the cake into the air.
She opened her mouth wide, her jaw stretching to its absolute maximum and chomping down on the moist chocolate cake.
Twilight shuddered in almost ecstasy as she savored the flavor.
Her saliva mixed with the glorious pastry and melted it in almost a minute.
More like 54 seconds, but I suppose close enough.
She thanked her messy style of eating as she licked her lavender muzzle, enjoying each sweet morsel of sweet frosting.
With her snack devoured, Twilight slowly trotted up the stairs.
She had given herself enough of a break and now had to get back to her book.
Her extremely boring, annoying, aggravating, book.
She opened the book and a small pain in her head told her that her superior intellect to most was already to the point of rejecting such dreck.
She shook her head furiously and continued to read, against her minds warnings.
On and on she read, never ending the sheer torture she had been assigned.
The horror of the book knew no rest.
Well it did know rest, or perhaps not.
I mean the horrors never began in the first place.
It would have been so much better if it had horror.
Or plot.
Or anything of interest, especially seeing as I am being forced to read this!
“Argh!”
Spike jumped as Twilight let out her raucous and rough scream into the heavens.
“Jeez Twilight, with a scream like that, you might just pierce the heavens or something.”
Spike curled back up, his short tail wrapping around the small body.
Unfortunately, because of his annoyance, the shovel shaped end slapped into his eye.
“Ow.”
“Don’t hurt yourself Spike. Only one of us should be in agony tonight.”
Twilight curled herself back up tighter.
She was cold at this point and the cacophony outside was driving her insane.
She glared at the world outside, cursing the fact that she could not control and force the elements under her control.
Yet at least.
Yet.
So onwards she read.
Page by page by page by page.
Wait.
Sorry, Twilight was swatting at a lady bug that had landed on her bed.
Now she continues to read page by page by page by page.
She stopped as she got to the next chapter, needing to shake her head to try to clear the pain building behind her eyes.
“Someone just end this already.
Please?”
Twilight moved to push the book away.
It had no use to her and Celestia must have known that.
However, this page was titled "Necromancy and all of its wondrous uses!”.
Twilight’s eyes lit up at the mention of new magic and leaned in close.
The veins in her eyes could be seen as she almost pressed her face back into it.
The page read, Necromancy is merely a filly’s tale meant to scare little ponies.
All unicorns who study it are stupid, and therefore, seeing as you are probably begging this to be of even the slightest interest, you are stupid.
Continue reading please for our four thousand word description of paint drying for five minutes.
We will continue to explain this process as it dries for nine hours.
Twilight’s eyes twitched.
Twitched again.
Rage burrowed deep within the mare now grew, growing more powerful by the moment.
She had had enough.
This book now mocked her and would pay for the transgression.
Her mind flashed a thousand different ideas from banishment to being forced to be put into the Apple family toilet.
Which was an outhouse.
However, she decided that the classic approach to book destruction would be best.
She threw the book into the air, her eyes glowing bright white.
Magic filled the room and Spike was rudely awaken as Twilight hovered in the air.
More and more power grew in the tree.
It threatened to break the house, wrend it from its roots and destroy the poor house.
Finally, the spell was cast.
The book lit on fire, burned up in five seconds, and then the ashes quickly disappeared.
She had done it.
She had destroyed the book.
The book was the bane of her existence, and she had destroyed it.
Burned it to ashes.
Murdered literature.
She smiled at having murdered the terrible book.
It was horrible.
No good.
Very bad, even.
She almost wished she hadn’t burned the book so that she could repeatedly punch it over and over for being so miserable to her.
But no, the book had to be murdered so that nopony would have to suffer what she went through.
Twilight let out a content sigh, and curled up in her bed.
She was asleep very quickly, a content smile on her face.
Her dreams were filled by the only dreams that a mare in her predicament could have.
The only type of dream that anyone in this predicament could have.
She dreamed a dream, of that there was no doubt.
However, the dream of millions of facts and books, being punched, doused, and then burned as high as the sky (or her when she has the extra bits) was beautiful.
However, then the problem came.
Facts pushed the glory out.
Boring mundane facts.
About what?
Only the most horrible, frightening, boring thing ever.
So there she sat in her dream, thinking only about how paint may have dried for nine hours.
Twilight woke up screaming.
She couldn’t take it, she had to know.
It would haunt her until she died.
The bookstore manager was glad to see her, but not so glad as every book was ripped from its shelving.
Finally, she had it back in her possession, and she was going to READ IT!
And there she sat, for hours, reading about how paint dried.
