Bad Day in Two Dimensions

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Manehatten. A sprawling metropolis of steel and glass, business capital of Equestria, and holder of the prestigious title “Gateway to Equestria”. Its strategic location on the east coast of Equestria made it the first city immigrants and travelers saw when entering the country, while the city itself had become known as a hub for big business and finance. This also made it the recipient of a much more unsavory title; “Crime Central”.

Despite the best efforts of the Royal Sisters, Manehatten remained a haven for both the Equestrian Mafia, and crooks and scoundrels of every type. It was said that if you had a vice, you could get your fix in the dank shadows of the city’s docks and warehouse district, home to smugglers and pirates. If your tastes were a little more… refined, you could seek out the glittering high rise offices of the local crime Dons. Gambling, prostitution, slavery, drugs and illegal magic artifacts could all be had if the price was right. Muggings, kidnapping, and even murder were common occurrences in the seedier parts of the great city. Unlike the more sedate towns and cities of Equestria, the Manehatten Police Department was barely able to control the crime rate with a constant influx of new offenders coming off the docks, and just as many convicted felons able to simply hop a ship bound for foreign ports, only to return once the heat had died down. Adding to the city’s woes, was an unfortunately healthy subversive element, consisting of terrorists, anarchists, and undercover agents from nearly every nation on the planet, many of which were nursing a grudge against Equestria for one reason or another.

None of this made Twilight Sparkle’s day any easier, either. Following Trixie’s attempt to enslave Ponyville through the use of the Alicorn Amulet, Twilight had sent the unstable piece of jewelry on to Canterlot, to be either disposed of properly or locked away from those who would be tempted to use its power for evil.

“Of COURSE that isn’t what happened. OF COURSE, one of the most dangerous magical artifacts known to ponykind would JUST SO HAPPEN to go MYSTERIOUSLY missing from the Palace Vaults, just the most protected and secure location on the entire PLANET!!!”.

Rarity cautiously scooted closer to her panting friend, placing a calming hoof on the frazzled lavender alicorn’s shoulder.

“I understand completely darling. Why, the thought of that dreadful, gaudy charm falling into nefarious hooves, it quite simply doesn’t bear considering!”

Across the train car aisle, Rainbow Dash let out a derisive snort. “I don’t see what the big deal is. Heck, Twi was able to trick The Lame and Gullible Trixie into giving up the doohickey without too much hassle, and that was before she sprouted wings.”

Twilight took a final, cleansing breath before straightening her mane with a spark of magic. Shooting Rarity a grateful glance, she finally felt able to reply to her polychromatic friend. “Most of the credit for that particular victory was due to teamwork and sleight-of-hoof rather than magical prowess on my part Rainbow. Imagine if the amulet were to be used by somepony truly evil like, say, King Sombra? Even with my ascension granting me increased magic reserves, I would still be unable to stop a pony who refused to remove the amulet willingly. ”

Rainbow seemed to consider this for a short span, before waving a dismissive hoof and squirming into more comfortable position. “Yeah, okay, so you can’t just abracadabra the amulet away. Big whoop! You said yourself, teamwork is what beat Trixie last time, so there shouldn’t be any problem getting the amulet away from whatever sad sack happens to have it now. After all, ya got The Dash with you, don’tcha?” This last was accompanied with Rainbow flipping her trademark shades down over her eyes, while flashing a cocky smirk at Twilight and Rarity. The Stetson wearing pony she was sharing a seat with rolled her eyes. Giving the speedster a gentle cuff across her ears, Applejack reproved her gently.

“Yeah, you and the rest of us gals. How many times do Ah gotta remind ya there ain’t no ‘I’ in ‘Team’?”

Fluttershy decided now was a good time to throw in her two bits worth.

“Don’t forget the Royal Guards Princess Celestia sent with us. I would hate to make them feel left out, since they’re going to be helping us find the Alicorn Amulet.”

Shooting Applejack a glare while readjusting her shades, Rainbow attempted once more to find a spot on the train seat that was comfortable enough to nap on. “Yeah yeah, go team, rah rah and all that jazz. I get it. Just trying to lighten the mood around here, ya bunch of downers.”

Pinkie Pie chose that particular moment to bounce her way back into the train car, towing a serving trolley behind her loaded with an assortment of snacks and drinks. Pulling her load to a stop alongside the rest of the Element Bearers, Pinkie beamed a megavolt smile at the generally glum visages of her friends. “Woo wee, those guards can really pack the snacks away! Lucky I was able to save some for you girls, ‘cause it looks like you could use a little pick-you-up!” Giving the trolley a sharp kick with a back hoof, Pinkie skillfully began juggling the suddenly airborne contents in a blinding fast pattern. Before any of the others could react, they found themselves with a sweet snack and beverage seemingly appearing by magic in their hooves.

Taking a dainty nibble of her éclair, Rarity favored the still juggling party pony with a small smile of gratitude. “Pinkamena Diane Pie, I do declare, what would we do without you?”

Finally growing bored with simply juggling the remaining snacks, Pinkie switched to balancing them in a shaky tower on her nose, before simply opening her mouth and tipping them in a cascade down her throat, seemingly without chewing them. Licking her lips, she turned her grin back towards Rarity. “Dunno. Be a bunch of Frowny-Faced McFrownertons?”

Rainbow Dash stuck her hoof out for a bump, which Pinkie enthusiastically returned. Chuckling, Rainbow finally gave up on finding comfort on her own bench, and instead flopped over to lay on Applejacks seat while using the farm pony’s side as a makeshift pillow. “Darn straight Pinkster. Between my awesomeness and your… whatever-it-is you do, we’ll keep this bunch of fuddy-duddies going.”

Twilight finished off her own jelly donut, then sat back with a contented smile. “I don’t know what I would do without any of you girls. You’re right, as long as we work together, we will find that Amulet. I think everything will be just fine.”

Five hours later…

“Me and my big fat mouth. Of course the universe wouldn’t let me get away with saying something like that!!!”

Twilight and company had arrived in Manehatten on schedule, and immediately begun their investigation into the Alicorn Amulet’s whereabouts. One stop at the Manehatten Police Department later, the group had begun quietly investigating the various auction houses, antique dealers and pawnshops known to be clearing-houses for various high-powered magical items. Pavement was pounded, snitches were squeezed for information (in one case literally given a loving squeeze from Fluttershy after breaking down and bawling about what a broken home he had come from), and stones were overturned in the search for the dangerous talisman. This had finally led them to the docks, and a seemingly abandoned warehouse with a suspiciously large group gathered within. An attempt to sneak one of their number in to ascertain the items being sold led to their entire party being discovered and doused with sleeping gas. When they awoke, they found themselves wrapped in enough chain and magic inhibitors to subdue an army, while being sneered at by a particularly slimy looking griffon dressed in a suit that was snazzy enough to impress even Rarity despite their situation. Further observation revealed that not only was Amulet being auctioned, but apparently they were now up for bid as well.

Straining her cuffs experimentally, Applejack leaned over far enough to give Twilight a soothing nuzzle. “Buck up, sugercube. T’ain’t yer fault, jest bad luck all around.”

Fluttershy had managed to scoot her bound form up against Twilights other side. In addition to being bound, she had been blindfolded after she had tried to Stare their assailants into submission. “Applejack’s right Twilight, stop blaming yourself. It’s not your fault Rainbow got found out. She just got too enthusiastic. And she’s not the best actor. And, um, maybe she shouldn’t believe everything she reads in Daring Do?”

Rainbow was trussed up to the point of nearly being invisible beneath her bonds, but that didn’t stop her from twisting around and directing a glare at the oblivious Fluttershy. “Hey! First of all, Shut Up! Second, I’ve tested most of what’s in those books, and they do to work. And third, Shut Up!!!”

Applejack could barely move, but she still had enough wiggle room to snap her tail out and pop Rainbow in the nose. Satisfied the indignant Pegasus was more concerned with her smarting nose than in continuing to argue, she turned her attention back to Twilight. “Like ah was saying, jest hard luck. Yer the magic expert here Twi, can’t ya whip up some little ol’ spell to get us out of this mess?”

Twilight concentrated for a moment, her brow furrowed with the effort. Her horn was capped with a heavy ring, and any attempt to channel magic through it resulted in a pitiful few sparks before sputtering out. Relaxing, Twilight shook her head. “Afraid that’s a no go. I don’t know where they got it, but this is a military grade inhibitor. The Royal Guard uses these things for those prisoners that are especially dangerous, and they’re virtually unbreakable.”

Rarity perked up at that. “Virtually darling? Surely that must mean there is some hope, yes?”

Twilight nodded. “With enough time, sure. Since becoming a princess, part of my recent training with Celestia and Luna covered situations related to hostage situations, and possible escape routes and techniques. Sit tight girls, I’ll see what I can do. How’s Pinkie doing?”

Rarity glanced over at the still form of the pink pony. “Still unconscious I’m afraid. Those brutes must have dosed her especially thoroughly.”

Twilight nodded grimly. “I was hoping she would be able to pick these locks, or do something… Pinkie-ish. I’ll tell you what concerns me the most about this situation though.”

Rainbow finally quit nursing her snout, and quirked an inquisitive eyebrow towards her brainy friend. “What, more concerning than the possibility of getting sold off like a matched set of Wonderbolts shot glasses?”

Twilight nodded grimly. “Think about it. The high grade inhibitor rings, Fluttershy’s blindfold, Pinkie’s sedation, the heavy chains? These crooks knew exactly how to restrain us in the most effective way possible. I have a bad feeling that they knew who we were, and not only that, but when we were coming.”

“How very astute of you, Prinzessin Twilight Sparkle.” The conscious members of the party turned their startled gaze to the speaker. Emerging from the shadows in the back of the warehouse, was the most hideously disfigured griffon any of the ponies had ever seen. From the neck up, the bird-lion hybrid’s head was a mass of scar tissue, as though he had survived being dunked into a vat of lava. His beak had been replaced by a steal prosthetic, sharpened and polished into a wicked shine. His eyes were cold, calculating, and yet seemed to shine with an inner madness, lurking just beneath the surface. His plumage was a matte black, seeming to suck in all ambient light until it seemed as though he were a living shadow. His body was crisscrossed with scars of fights both old and recent, while a plainly efficient sabre hung from a belt of real leather. Twilight took particular note of his uniform, which was of a style she recognized as originating from Griffonhiem’s military elite, the Blut Talons. Instead of a row of medals that most griffon officers seemed to favor, however, this griffon sported a single insignia on the uniform’s breast; a stylized depiction of a hydra.

Prowling to a stop above the bound prisoners, the griffon stood for a long moment simply gazing at them. The silence was predictably broken by Rainbow Dash, who began struggling in her bonds and shouting at the sinister figure. “Hey! Hey, you with the road kill face! What’s the big idea, knocking us out and tying us up? Don’t you know who we are? Let us go, or so help me I’ll kick your buzzard butt clear to-“ The griffon moved with the fluid speed of a striking snake, backhanding Rainbow across the muzzle. Turning his burning gaze upon the rest of the ponies, he calmly began speaking in lightly accented Equestrian.

“I am very well aware of who you are, Fräulein Dash. I know all of you. The Elements of Harmony, Celestia’s little lap dogs. We shall see just how arrogant the verdammte Sun Princess is once she knows I have her precious student in my talons.”

Fluttershy swallowed convulsively, and managed to squeak out a barely audible question. “Um, what about the rest of us?” The griffon’s metal beak made facial impressions nearly impossible, but there was no mistaking the wrinkles his hideous face folded into. The ponies who were conscious and could see couldn’t repress a shudder. The griffon was smiling.

“Gentle Fluttershy, eh? Well, I fear I have no use for you, or your other little friends. You will be auctioned off to the highest bidder. There are plenty of buyers, both pony and griffon, who would pay a pretty penny to possess their very own Element Bearer, to use as they see fit, Ja?” Turning his back on the horrified group of friends, he began to stalk back into the shadows.

Moistening her suddenly dry lips, Twilight called out to the departing figure. “Wait! Who are you? Surely we can come to some arrangement? Please, I’ll do whatever you want, just let my friends go!” Pausing, his body half-in and half-out of the shadowy corner of the building, the griffon turned his head back towards Twilight. She gulped, as his eyes seemed to burn brighter, like two angry flames.

“I believe I have made my position perfectly clear, nein? There is nothing you can offer me, Prinzessin. As for who I am, you may call me… Baron Wolfgang von Bluddbeak. Rest now, you will need it for what is to come. Celestia will finally be brought to her knees before me, and the Griffon nation will take its rightful place above you pathetic prey-animals. Hail Hydra.”

Turning once again, the Baron prowled off into the darkness with a final, contemptuous flick of his leonine tail. Rarity turned frightened eyes upon Twilight’s shaking form. “Twilight? What was he talking about? Who, or what is ‘Hydra’?” Finally gaining control of herself, Twilight looked over her shoulder to reply.

“Hydra was a secret cabal of griffon scientists and sorcerers. They were supposed to be disbanded after the last Equestria-Griffonhiem conflict over fifty years ago, after Princess Celestia realized they were using dark magic in an attempt to free Nightmare Moon early. They were an extremely secretive group, so there’s not much known about them for sure beyond rumor. What is known, was their tendency towards extreme and cruel experiments performed on any pony who fell into their claws.”

Fluttershy choked back a sob. “Oh Twilight, isn’t there anything we can do?”

Straining her magic slightly, Twilight relaxed and gently nuzzled the trembling Pegasus. “Don’t worry Fluttershy. This inhibitor is well made, but I think I’ve found a flaw in this particular one. It’s extremely dangerous, but I think I can use enough magic to link with the Alicorn Amulet. Once I’ve established a link and disabled my inhibitor, I’ll teleport us out of here.”

Applejack was quick to point out the flaw in this plan. “Are you loco Twi?! That there Amulet corrupts anyone who wears it, you remember what happened to Trixie!”

Twilight was quick to reassure her friends. “I won’t be wearing it, just linking my magical energy with the Amulet’s. It should be enough to overload this inhibitor, and give us a chance to get out of here.”

One by one, her friends chimed in with their support.

“Alright egghead, let’s just get out of here already!”

“Ah’ll take yer word for it sugercube.”

“You can do it, we believe in you Twilight.”

“Hear hear! We know you can do it darling!”

“Yeperoonie! Let’s make like a banana and split!”

Twilight jumped in her bonds, and turned an annoyed frown on an owlishly blinking Pinkie Pie. “Pinkie! Why didn’t you say you were awake?!”

Pinkie grinned sleepily at the irate alicorn. “You didn’t ask me, silly!”

Twilight sighed and shook her head. “Never mind. Get ready girls, here goes nothing!”

Well, that was a major bust. Trudging out of the convention center, loaded down with a backpack and a replica Captain America shield I constructed from a discarded satellite TV dish, I thought back to the preceding hours. When I had heard about the ComicCon taking place just an hour drive from my dorm, I had thought it would be a great idea to invite that cute redhead from down the hall to attend with me. I had helped her get moved in just a few days earlier, and had noticed the plethora of classic comic cover posters she possessed. We had got to talking, and found that we shared several classes in addition to an interest in comics. Where she was a DC fanatic, I was a Marvel nut, and we had spent nearly an hour playfully debating the merits of our favorite characters. When I asked if she wanted to split the gas money to attend the ComicCon with me, I was pleasantly surprised when she agreed. Thus when the day arrived, we met at my vehicle dressed in our comic geek best, her in a Batgirl costume, and myself in a cobbled together Captain America uniform complete with homemade shield.

The drive was pleasant, and the convention center was easy to find. Parking, however, was a total nightmare. Finally pulling into a spot three blocks away, we trudged our way back to the venue and finally began browsing the displays and stands. Like I said earlier, going great. I lost touch with my companion somewhere between the video game display and the Chris Evans autographing booth, but I figured we’d meet at the exit. Autographed shield in tow, I joined the throng of con-goers that were surging for the doors. Finally breaking free of the crowd, I began searching for my AWOL cohort. Figuring that even if this probably couldn’t be considered a date, it had gone well enough to at least give me a shot, I set off in high spirits fully intending to ask her if she would like coffee sometime. Well, I finally found her, just around the corner under a picturesque gazebo. Any greeting I had intended to call out died stillborn when I saw she was enthusiastically swapping spit with a guy dressed as Superman. She introduce the dude as her fiancée, and began talking a mile a minute about how I was such a sweet friend. Well, I stood there, grinning like an idiot as my dreams of an actual date went up in smoke. Excusing myself as soon as was polite, I beat a hasty retreat.

Thus, my day. Start good, end in heartbreak. Ah heck, that’s probably a little over-dramatic, since I didn’t know her that well to begin with, and we were barely past the acquaintance level. What can I say, I hadn’t ever had the best luck with women in the past, and this was yet another girl who had firmly placed me in the “friend-zone”. Shrugging my backpack and shield up on my shoulder, I stopped beside my car to dig my keys out of my homemade costume. Pausing a moment before I could climb in, I studied my reflection in my car windows. I was a big guy for sure, six foot four inches tall in my socks and tipping the scales at just under three hundred pounds, most of which I’m ashamed to say was the result of too much homework and not enough time in the gym. Dark blond hair, glasses, stubbly beard. Yeah, heartthrob I am not. Wonder if that’s why I can’t convince a girl to get past the friend stage? Shaking myself in an attempt to break out of my funk, I started to open the car door in preparation to return to the dorm and college life.

It was at about that moment that I noticed something shiny in the gravel a few feet from my car. Thinking it was a quarter someone had dropped, I started towards the supposed free cash with intent to appropriate into my sadly empty pockets. Just a few feet short of bending down, I realized that what I thought was a shiny coin reflecting a street light was actually a glowing ball of energy. Stopping short of actually touching the weird will’o’the’wisp (what? I’m not an idiot) I began studying the phenomenon from what I thought would be a safe distance. Before my very eyes, the thing began to shimmer, and then expand. First in little fits and starts, then in pulsing contractions like the beating of a heart, the phantasm grew from slightly smaller than a marble, to the size of a softball before stopping. Pulling out my phone, I decided that enough was enough, and the authorities would be the best bet for handling whatever the heck this thing was. As if it had been waiting for my attention to waver, the ball suddenly expanded to the size of a manhole cover, and began lashing out angry tendrils of energy, one of which latched onto my leg, and began pulling me feet first into the center of the glowing ball!

Letting out what I fondly hoped was a manly bellow (but was more likely a pitiful scream) I found myself plunging through what was apparently a portal of some kind. Now, I liked to think I was fairly well versed in the genre of science-fiction, and had seen depictions of every kind of conceivable portal and/or transport, from the Stargate to the Terminator time travel sphere. This though, this was nothing like what I had seen from Hollywood. It felt like my body was being squeezed through a knothole, while being stretched by a taffy-puller while being diced by a blender set to smoothie. There was a blinding flash, and pop that reminded me of my baby sister blowing bubblegum, and suddenly I was on my hands and knees on some sort of concrete floor reacquainting myself with every meal I had eaten for the last week.

Finally finished voiding my stomach (but not my bowels, thank all that’s holy), I became aware of someone screaming in what sounded like German. Finally raising myself back to my feet, I suddenly became aware of a rather large club swinging at my head! Reflexively raising my arm, I braced myself for what was sure to be the most agonizing pain of my life when that thing snapped my arm like a twig. Imagine my shock when not only did my arm survive the blow, but the club did not. The guy that had tried to pulp me was left standing there with a splintered stick in his hands, a look of confused shock on his ugly mug. How ugly was this guy’s face? Imagine a bulldog with a bad overbite got his face run over by a semi-truck, and then went five rounds with Rocky Balboa. Yeah, there’s a face not even a mother could love. At this point, I was running on adrenalin and anger. This sorry sonovagun had just tried to brain me, and I was not figuring on letting him have another shot. I cocked my fist back, and let him have it right in the kisser. I guess he must have weighed less than he looked, cause when I connected, that sucker went flying backwards! The dude smashed right through a stack of heavy looking wooden crates, and just flat out pulverized them with his passing. After I had managed to pick my jaw up off the floor, I finally began to take stock of my surroundings, and quickly began to realize a few things.

1. I was not in a parking lot anymore. I seemed to be in some sort of warehouse or storage building.

2. That butt-ugly Babe Ruth wannabe was not the only guy in that building with me, and boy did the neighbors look pissed.

3. And this was most important; NONE OF THE PEOPLE IN THE BUILDING WITH ME WERE HUMAN!!!!

I swear, there must have been about ten other creatures, and all of them looked like either some insane cross between a dog and gorilla, or actual honest-to-gosh griffons!!! As previously mentioned, they all seemed to be murderously angry at me crashing their little get-together, and most important, they all seemed to be armed with an ugly assortment of swords, knives, clubs, and crossbows. I think I even saw what looked like a flintlock pistol stuck in one of the griffon’s belts beside a sabre, and HOLY GUACAMOLE WAS THAT DUDE UGLY!!! If I thought the first guy was scary looking, this one was downright demonic! His head looked like one big mass of burns and scars, while his beak looked like it was made out of some kind of metal. He was the one screaming in German, and judging by his gestures it was pretty clear he was ordering his flunkies to dispose of me in the most painful way possible. One of the griffons raised his crossbow, and let fly. Once again acting on some weird instinct, I whipped my little fan-boy craft project up in a futile attempt to save myself getting perforated. Looking back on it, I have no idea why I thought my flimsy little toy shield would protect me from a freaking arrow, but like I said, I was running on autopilot at this point. Imagine my surprise when, not only did I not get skewered like a grilled mushroom, but the arrow actually pinged right off the surface of the shield. Come to think of it, I didn’t remember my shield weighing all that much before, either. Not that it was heavy, mind, just I could tell there was some solid heft to the thing now. That was all the time I had for introspection, cause at that moment the rest of the gang thought it would be a good idea to try and rip me limb from limb.

The rest of the fight, if you could call it that, went by in what must have been mere seconds, but felt like hours to me at the time. It was like I had suddenly absorbed the skills of Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, and Chuck Norris, and in turn unleashed them on the pack of ugly that was trying to attack me. Limbs cracked, teeth and feathers flew, and agonized screams filled the air. I felt like a passenger in my own body, watching in helpless awe as it mowed through my assailants like a blade through grass. When it was over, it was just me and Mr. Burn Victim left standing. The rest of the gang were all scattered across the floor of the building, with one draped over a support beam up in the rafters. Surveying the damage, I slowly turned towards the last guy still standing, and YIKES! Did he look pissed. Seriously, if looks could kill, I wouldn’t just be dead, I’d be a smoking little pile of soggy ashes. Snarling what was likely a cuss in German, he flared his wings and shot off into the air above my head. Swinging my shield up, I dropped into a crouch, fully expecting him to dive-bomb me and attempt to rip my face off. Instead, he just hovered there a moment, before turning tail and shooting off through an open skylight. As he was leaving, I hear him yell at me in near perfect English.

“This is not over, interloper. You will regret this night’s work!” Well, that happened.

Beginning to shake as I came down off of my adrenaline rush, I turned to the only other conscious occupants of the room. Oh, didn’t I mention? In addition to the griffons and ape-dogs, there was a small group of little miniature horses lying chained up in a small heap. Now that I had a chance to look at them without someone trying to kill me, I realized that not only were these little ponies decked out with fur in literally every color of the rainbow, but that some of them had either horns or wings. Huh. Pegasi and unicorns, go figure. One of the ponies, wearing a cowboy hat and orange fur with blond hair, was the first to speak. And lo and behold, apparently they were intelligent in addition to being colorful. Why not.

“Who and what the hay are you?”

Looking at my suddenly much more professional looking uniform and transformed shield, I opened my mouth and answered in the most honest, bright manner possible. “I’m… I’m Captain America.”

What? You try and sound intelligent after being pulled through a portal, kicking griffon butt, and discovering talking horses.

It gets better... Kinda

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Silence. Complete absence of sound. Twilight Sparkle was very well acquainted with Merry Webbing’s dictionary definition of silence, and was further acquainted with the forms said silence could take. There was Contemplative and Golden, Charged and Pregnant. And then there was the black sheep of the silence family, the one the other silences would see sneaking into the family reunion when it thought the others weren’t looking; the Awkward Silence. Laying there, wrapped in chains from muzzle to dock and staring at the bizarrely attired human that had just finished decimating the forces that had captured them, Twilight realized that not only had Awkward Silence descended upon them all, but it had brought along its distant cousin, the Pregnant Pause.

“I’m Captain America.”

What. No, seriously, What. Ok Twilight, deep breaths, approach the situation logically.

1. There was a human, a creature not native to Equestria, standing in front of them.
2. He had apparently appeared as a result of her attempt to connect her magic with the Alicorn Amulet, which had reacted in a chaotic explosion of power that would have left Discord in a giddy fit.
3. He claims to be a captain, so perhaps a member of the human world’s military. (Addendum to 3, he is wearing a uniform of some sort, thus bearing out the previous hypothesis, however the colors and style seemed needlessly bright and stylized. Further research into human military standards required.)
4. His given name, “America”, triggered a memory of an atlas glanced over in the Canterlot High library. Due to time constraints, only cursory information available; one of the largest nations of the human world, highly advanced in terms of technology, democratic system of government. Perhaps a codename?

Further analysis was cut short, thanks to Rainbow Dash’s decision to begin thrashing around in her bonds in an attempt to break free, all while directing a stream of questions that ranged from the belligerently interrogative to almost fan-fillyish awe.

“Hey! You in the spandex! What kinda name is A-mare-ica anyhow? Where’d you learn to fight like that, you took those scuzz-bags apart! Who you workin’ for anyhow? What’s that thing ya got strapped to your arm, a shield? What kinda lameo weapon is that? Oh man, when you punched that one dude did you see HMPH!!!” Surprisingly, it was Pinkie who had stuffed a hoof into the gushing Dash’s mouth. Somehow managing to direct an apologetic glance at both the human and her glaring friend, she kicked the last of her shackles off.

“Sorry Dashie, but I think those questions can wait until after we escape and stop those meanie-pants griffons.”

This seemed to wake the human up, as he visibly shook himself and stepped forward to begin struggling with the knots holding Rarity’s legs bound. She favored him with a dazzling smile, the effect of which at close range seemed to almost knock the human backwards. “Most obliged for your assistance Captain. Or, do you prefer, Mr. Amareica?”

Regaining his composure, the human managed to return Rarity’s words with a grin of his own. “No problem, er, miss. Just so you know, Captain America isn’t actually my name, I’m just sorta… borrowing it for now.”

Shaking her now freed limbs, Rarity took a few dainty steps to restore feeling to her hooves before turning her attention to untangling Rainbow Dash’s wings.
“Really now? And what would your true name be, if I may be so bold as to inquire?”

She was forced to leap backwards with a yelp of surprise, as Dash’s wings suddenly flared as the newly freed Pegasus leapt into the air to hover around the human. Flinching away from the rush of feathers and rainbow mane and tail, the human almost stumbled over the still bound Fluttershy, coming to rest sprawled almost nose to nose with the wide-eyed pony. Swallowing, the human directed a nervous smile at the trembling mare. “Um, Hi?”

Fluttershy was saved from having to answer, as Rainbow swooped down and hauled the human back to his feet. Quickly releasing the bonds holding Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash directed a scathing glance over at Rarity as she attempted to calm her fillyhood friend with surprisingly gently hooves. “Seriously? You’re already flirting with the new guy?”

Rather than dignifying Rainbow’s sarcastic question with a reply, Rarity instead set about freeing Applejack, though not without a huffy toss of her mane and an offended “Hmph!”

Rolling to her hooves, Applejack took a moment to retrieve her Stetson before stomping the lock holding Twilight’s chains shut. “All flirtin’ aside, jus’ what is yer name? An’ jus’ what are ya? Pardon mah sayin’ so, but Ah ain’t never seen nothin’ like you in all my born put t’gether.”

Finally freed, six brightly hued equines found themselves facing an equally garishly clad human, one who seemed more than a little shell-shocked. Sinking to the ground, the ponies watched as he set his shield to one side, before reaching up and unbuckling his mask, allowing it to join the shield on the cool concrete. Running his hand through his dirty blond hair, the human scrubbed his palm down his face to reveal two small blue eyes that peered back at the ponies with bewilderment clear in their gaze. “Look, just, give me a second, alright?”

Surprisingly, it was Fluttershy who responded first. Before any of her friends could make a move or a sound, she had crossed over to where the strange creature was sitting, and begun stroking its arm comfortingly. “Um, that’s okay. We won’t rush you, just take your time.”

Tensing at first, the human visibly relaxed under the animal caretaker’s gentle touch, even going so far as to smile back at her. “Thanks, I think I’m gonna be alright though. It’s just a lot to take in, ya know?”

Nodding her understanding, Fluttershy switched from patting his arm to gently rubbing his back. “I understand. Um, I’m Fluttershy and these are my friends” here she began pointing out each in turn “Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack.”

“A pleasure to be sure darling.”
“Sup.”
“Hello!”
“Hidie-Hi!”
“Howdy.”

Slowly beginning to relax under Fluttershy’s gentle ministrations, the human nodded his acknowledgement of each pony’s greeting. “Nice to meet all of you. Sorry for freaking out there for a second it’s just…” here a pause to gnaw his lip “You’re all talking ponies!”

A moment for each of the ponies in question to trade confused glances, with Rainbow being slightly more vocal. “Nah, really?! We didn’t notice. Thanks for the heads up Sherclop.”

The human shook his head. “No, you don’t understand. This is crazy! Ponies don’t talk, griffons and trolls are fantasy characters, and” an incredulous glance at certain appendages “for that matter, so are pegasi and unicorns!”

“Your face is a fantasy character!”

“Rainbow Dash!”

“What?! What’d I say?”

“Darling, there is simply no call for such a crude reaction. The poor creature is obviously from a sheltered society where he has simply not come into contact with the likes of ponykind.”

“Sheltered? More like from under a dadgum rock, if’n you’ll pardon me sayin’ so Mr. Amareica.”

“Uh, no offense taken? But my name isn’t America, it’s…”

“AJ’s right! Even if he never saw a pony, how the ever-loving cirrus clouds has he never seen a frikkin diamond dog?! Or a griffon for that matter?!”

“If I could get a word in edgewise?”

“That’s my point exactly. Jus’ where in the Sam Hill is he from?”

“Actually, I’m from…”

“Oooh Oooh, maybe he’s from Oatstralia?! They have all kinds of quirky critters from down under. Snerk, quirky! Funny word.”

“Um, Oats-what? No, I’m from…”

“Don’t be silly Pinkie. Ehrm, sillier I suppose. Fluttershy is quite well versed in the fauna of this world, and even she hasn’t recognized this… being.”

“GIRLS!!!”

Sudden silence. Twilight refolded her wings to her sides, while allowing the glow surrounding her horn to dissipate. She would have to remember to thank Princess Luna for teaching her the spell for the Royal Voice, it did occasionally come in handy. Her momentary smugness dissipated quickly however, as she looked around at the group collectively wincing and rubbing her ears. Note to self: the Voice is best used in an open area, not in an enclosed warehouse with surprisingly excellent acoustics.

“Ahem, sorry about that. But if everypony could allow our guest to speak for himself? I think I know what he is, but it would be best if he could confirm my theory.”

Once more, six pairs of eyes trained themselves on the newcomer, this time in eager anticipation. Glancing from one to the other, the human finally drew a deep breath before speaking.

“Well, I guess we’ll start with who I am, since that seems to be causin’ the most confusion. My actual name is Roger Stevenson. The costume I’m in is based off of a comic book superhero named Captain America. Sorry for the misunderstanding, but I wasn’t really thinking very clearly when ya’ll first asked my name.”

Pausing for a moment to allow this to sink in with his audience, Roger cleared his throat before continuing. “As for what I am, I’m a human. I was on my way home from a comic convention when I was sucked into a ball of light, and BAM! I wake up sicker than a dog in freakin’ Narnia.”

Twilight raised a hoof. “Equestria actually, not Narnia… wherever that is supposed to be. You look very similar to the humans I encountered in a mirror universe to this one, with a few apparent cosmetic differences.”

This last statement garnered a raised eyebrow. “Differences? Mirror Universe? Okay, I figured I wasn’t in Kansas anymore, but you’re saying I’m in a completely different universe?”

Nodding eagerly, Twilight eagerly launched into lecture mode. “Indeed, as proven by Starswirl the Bearded in the Fortieth Year After Nightmare (40 A.N.), there are in fact countless parallel Earths residing in equally countless parallel universes. I myself have visited two such mirror worlds, both of which resembled Equestria to a certain extent but differed in key areas. Since you only passingly resemble the humans I encountered in the first parallel world I visited, I can hypothesize that you in fact originate from a third alternate universe, and I can further…”

Anything further would be left un-theorized, as an orange hoof inserted itself into Twilight’s rambling mouth. “As interestin’ as this all is sugercube, Ah’m afraid we got bigger problems than Mister Stevenson’s home. Such as, didn’t we come tah Manehattan with a passel of Royal Gaurds? What in tarnation happened to those fellers?!”

Pinkie chose that moment to twitch as though experiencing a seizure. “Oh my gosh-oh-golly! You’re totally right AJ, we forgot all about poor Lieutenant Skipper an’ Sergeant Slice an’ Corporal Stalwart an’ Private Hollow an’ Private Private an’ Private Face an’ …” a second orange hoof corked the run-on rollcall before she could go further down the roster.

Twilight nodded her head decisively. “Right! You’re right Pinkie and Applejack, There’s no time for conjecture; we have to make sure those griffons haven’t done something awful to those soldiers. They would have tried to rescue us if they had been able, which means something must have gone wrong. Okay everypony (and human), here’s the plan. Rainbow Dash, you and I will go high and make sure there are no more nasty surprises waiting for us.” The Pegasus snapped a crisp salute, leaping into a hover in preparation for action.

“Rarity, Fluttershy, you two will be our support. Hang back and guard our backs, and be ready to help if anypony’s hurt.”

Both ponies nodded their understanding, one more firmly than the other, with Fluttershy swallowing convulsively and nervously checking to make sure she still had her first aid kit safely packed in her saddlebags.

Order’s issued, Twilight turned to the last two ponies and one confused human. “Pinkie and Applejack, you two are our muscle. If we encounter a problem that Rainbow or I can’t handle, I’m trusting one of you girls to handle it. And finally” she turned a concerned glance upwards “I understand I have no right to ask this of you, considering all you did to aid us already, but could you help Applejack and Pinkie Pie, Mister Stevenson?”

Once more, six pairs of eyes fell upon the human, this time reflecting a mixture of nerves, fear, hope, and eager excitement. Taking a moment to look from one pony to the next, Roger Stevenson heaved a deep sigh, before standing to his full considerable height and hefting his shield to one shoulder. “Look, I’m not gonna lie, I’m scared right the heck outa my mind right now. This morning, I was jus’ a college student, trying to enjoy a comic nerd gathering, and now I find myself looking like something outa some bodybuilder magazine, with fighting moves I’ve only seen in movies that I barely know how to use.” Picking up his helmet/mask, he fingered the odd piece of headgear for a breath before slipping it on and turning a slightly wild grin on the assembly. “But heck, I’d also be lyin’ if I said that I ain’t having the time of my life right now. So just call me Captain America, ‘cause I’m ready to kick some Nazi bird ass.”

Oh man. Oh Lord in Heaven, what is wrong with me?! I just agreed to follow a freakin’ winged unicorn and her candy colored pony posse into battle against some griffon knock-off Red Skull to save a bunch more Technicolor miniature horses from what sounds like a messy end. I’m not a soldier, I’m not a fighter, and I’m sure as spit not a hero. I’m just a good ol’ boy from Texas, trying to make it through university while battling nothing more intimidating than grouchy professors and the freshman fifteen. I keep blinking my eyes, thinking that I’ll wake up in my cramped little dorm with the scent of week-old laundry and stale pizza boxes, with the Avengers movie theme blaring from my computer speakers.

Instead I find myself tearing along behind the aforementioned pony patrol, moving at a speed that some disbelieving corner of my brain keeps reminding me should be impossible for a normal human being in even the best of shape. And somewhere along the way, as I vault a stack of crates a good ten feet high and come abreast the seemingly constantly giggling Pinkie pony, I decide to put my earlier words to action and just enjoy whatever boons this crazy universe has decided to grant me.

Military grade boots pound across concrete loading areas, as a belt with an all-too-real feeling Colt .45 slaps my thigh while peering ahead through a mask that has gone from cotton to what I think is some kind of Kevlar, with more of the same encasing my body from neck to boots. Incredibly, instead of restricting my movements, this suit conforms to my body as though it had been painted on, and moves and flexes as though it were a second skin rather than bulky body armor. And on my left arm? What was once a satellite television dish cut and painted to somewhat resemble a movie prop, was a perfectly contoured disk of the sturdiest metal I had ever encountered. Even after deflecting any number of bullets, arrows, clubs and enemy craniums, the red, white and blue saucer showed no sign of dents, dings or even chipped paint.
Up ahead, I could see a mixed gang of griffons (holy smokes, real griffons!) and more of those dog trolls attempting to attach a winch to a large cage, in preparation to hoist it aboard what looked like some sort of cargo ship. My newly enhanced vision picked out the huddled forms of what appeared to be more multi-hued ponies lying motionless on the cage floor, and a frightening feeling of hot rage suddenly began to pound against my temples. Nothing deserved to be treated in that fashion, knocked senseless and dumped into a cage, bound for slavery or worse. Taking in the determined faces of the pony-girls running alongside me, that feeling of rage and adrenaline suddenly morphed into a savage feeling of exhilaration. These alien creatures had shown me kindness, and perhaps even friendship. Me, who was the true alien to this world. Hero or no, there was no way in hell I was gonna turn my back on that.

Scrambling up a stack of wooden shipping crates, I catapulted myself from their summit boots first into a griffon that looked as though he was a sentry, laying him flat and rolling forward from the strike to come to a crouched position that allowed me to power myself shield first into a dog-troll’s face. Heh, didn’t even feel the vibrations from the strike. Throwing back my head, I let loose with a undulating “WaaaaaHooooo!!!!” as I pivoted around to grab a fleeing griffon by it’s tail and swing him into another that was readying what looked like some sort of musket.

Pivoting from the groaning forms of my first targets, I watched as the Marvelous Mare Brigade (what? I’m a comic geek, sue me) pitched into the gang’s front lines. The pegasus, Dash I think, proved to be more than a match for the griffons in the air, zipping around them and landing punishing high-speed strikes to delicate-looking wings that left her hulking foes spiraling into the ground with pained squawks and yowls. The unicorn/pegasus hybrid Twilight (must. Resist. Vampire. Joke.) was strafing the gang members that had chosen to remain on the ground, firing quick bursts of light from her horn that exploded on contact, knocking her targets sprawling with similar shouts of pain and surprise.
Further back, the white unicorn Rarity was levitating hunks of rock and brick from the ground around her and pelting the foe with frightening accuracy, landing hits with what looked like bruising velocities. Pressed nearly right up against her was the little yellow pegasus who had been the first to show me kindness and consideration, looking out at the carnage through adorably oversized, terrified eyes that seemed to just radiate a desire for someone to grab her up and squeeze her tight and pet her quivering little ears and protect her from the cruel, heartless world… ahem.

Apparently choosing to get up close and personal with the enemy and engage face to face, Applejack was dashing in and out of their motley ranks, pivoting on her forelegs and driving her hind legs into whatever unlucky sonofagun happened to get in her way, sending them hurtling into crates, the sides of the ship, other griffons or dogs, or the cold looking water of the harbor. Despite their small size, these ponies were proving to be frighteningly strong. Her fellow ‘normal’ pony, Pinkie, had somehow managed to acquire a miniature old-timey style cannon that fired… confetti? Weird, but somehow effective, as each blast left her targets hopelessly snarled in streamers and other assorted party supplies. Equally inconceivably, she was dressed in what looked like a miniature version of a General Patton uniform, complete with a baby blue helmet while a novelty Groucho Marx glasses, complete with bushy moustache and oversized nose, dangled down against a lollipop held clenched in a wild grin. Despite lugging around an artillery piece almost as large as she was, none of the gangsters seemed able to lay a claw on her, as she danced and contorted around them with a giggle and a blast from her confetti cannon.

Turning from the reality bending pony with a shudder, I turned my attention to more pressing matters, such as the crew of griffons wrestling with a large tarp on the deck of the ship, and… was that a dadgum GATLING GUN?! Sure enough, it looked like this particular band of viscous cutthroats had brought what looked like an old school machine gun to this fistfight, and was getting set to turn it on our collective sorry butts. Ripping open my holster, I jerked free what this morning had been a cheap water pistol and trained it on the gun crew who were by now in the final stages of loading a clip into the wickedly gleaming death dealer mounted on the deck above us. Rapidly squeezing the trigger, my first two shots went wild as I struggled to compensate for the considerable recoil the now very real firearm possessed. The following six rounds found their marks among the gun crew, knocking them away from the Gatling in an explosion of feathers and cries of pain. I froze, nearly dropping the gun in my shock. I knew what I was doing, if I hadn’t acted, both companions and most likely myself would be dead, and it was better that the gun crew died than we did. Even so, I had just knowingly killed what was for all intents and purposes another living, thinking person. Then, as I wrenched my gaze away from the sprawled bodies on the ship and mechanically began loading a new clip into my now empty weapon, I noticed something odd. The clip in my hand was loaded with rubber rounds! My knees nearly gave out in sudden relief as I looked from the clip in my hand to the now painfully writhing griffons, many of whom were doubled over clutching massive bruises where my shots had found them.

My relief at NOT being a murderer was short-lived, as my whiplashing emotions left my oblivious butt open to a blindside attack from one of the larger of the dogs, who grabbed me around my arms and chest and proceeded to squeeze my organs to a creamy gravy. With my arms pinned and darkness quickly beginning to narrow my vision, I was left to kick ineffectually at my assailant’s hulking form. Just as I began to fear for the continued integrity of my ribcage, a rainbow blur shot past and struck the behemoth restraining me right between the eyes. Before the dog could shake off the first blow, she was back, this time hovering above my dance partner and me in order to deliver a series of rapid-fire strikes that smashed mercilessly home. With the dog further staggered by what appeared to be a blue furred jackhammer, Dash swooped straight up, before powering down with both hind hooves. This appeared to be the final straw, as the dog seemed to simply collapse as though his limbs turned to jello. Dropping to the ground beside my would-be destroyer, I raised a hand in a weak wave of “thanks” to my rescuer as I gasped for breath. Apparently not satisfied with my recovery speed, Dash swooped down once more to lift me to my feet, before shooting me a cocky smirk and wave of her own as she left seeking more griffons to fly circles around.

Finally catching my breath, I took the chance to scan around the battlefield. In the time it took for me to take out the gun crew and be saved by Dash, the rest of the ponies had seemingly finished what was left of the marauders with the help of a now free squad of muscular ponies who must have been the guards they had been talking about. What griffons or dogs left standing were by now attempting to make their escape, either winging off through the warehouses and alleyways behind us or attempting to slink off into open sewers, or even leaping into the water in an attempt to escape by swimming. Most were quickly subdued and restrained by the guard squad, eager to redeem themselves after being caught unawares earlier.

Gliding down to my position, Twilight came in for a stumbling landing that nearly sent her horn on a collision course with a rather sensitive portion of my person. Recovering her balance just in time, she settled her wings at her sides with a slight blush visible on her furry cheeks. Okay, seriously, how am I able to see her blush through fur?

Clearing her throat with an embarrassed cough, she craned her neck up to address my rather considerable (to her) height. “Ahem. Sorry about that, still having the occasional difficulty with the landing part of this flying business. Well Captain, on behalf of Equestria, I would like to extend my most sincere thanks for your assistance in capturing a dangerous group of criminals and terrorists.” Tossing her head in a frankly adorable attempt to settle her mane around her horn (seriously, why do these little pony critters have to be so goshdarned cute?), she continued in what seemed an oft practiced ‘official’ tone. “As Princess of Friendship, on behalf of the Council of Harmony and the Princesses Celestia and Luna, I would be honored to extend an offer of friendship to you, and I further pledge myself and my friends to ensure that your stay in our universe is a pleasant one, and offer my own considerable abilities as both a mage and scientist in getting you safely home to your own world, wherever it may lie.”

Well, I ask you, how do you respond to something like that? As I stood there at a loss for words, still clutching my shield in one hand, I watched in dismay as the little pony’s carefully composed face and bright smile began to sag, all while descending into what was obviously the early stages of an anxiety attack. Then, rolling warmly through the fishy air of the docks around us, came gentle chuckle. “Lan’ sakes, Twily-girl, ya don’t have tah use fifty words when five will do the job jus’ as well.”

Cantering slowly over to where we were awkwardly standing, the Stetson bedecked pony I remembered being introduced to as Applejack led rest of the small group from where they had been engaged in binding both limbs and wounds, as the case demanded. Tilting her hat back on her head, the orange coated pony cracked one of the friendliest grins I had ever seen on anyone, human or otherwise. “Ah think what Twilight was tryin’ to say, sugercube, is welcome to Equestria, thanks fer the assist with rounding up these no-good varmits, and would ya like to come stay a spell with us while we find yer way back home?”

Stepping close to her group, Twilight favored the cowpony with a grateful smile and gentle nuzzle (hngh!) to her freckled cheek. Turning back to me, she seemed much more relaxed now that she was surrounded by her friends, and managed to give me a much more genuine smile before speaking again. “Applejack is right, as usual. I tend to get caught up in my status as a princess, and I forget that honesty and kindness will often go further than royal procedure and correct protocol. Will you allow us to offer you a place to stay until you can return to your home?” The rest of the ponies were quick to chime in.

“Indeed darling. After your gallant actions on our behalf today, it would be churlish in the extreme not to offer you what comfort and assistance we may be able to provide.”

“I’m with the egghead on this one. You pitched right into those goons, and ya got some pretty sweet moves. You’re a’right, for a weird monkey thing.”

“Um, I agree with the others, too. Not about the fighting, that was scary, oh! but you were very good at it, I didn’t mean to insult you by saying you were scary, even though you kinda were, but, but, oh dear…”

“Yuparooni! We sure showed those meanie-mean-pants a thing or three! Oooh, Oooh, you know what this calls for, right? A party! One to celebrate stopping the bad-guys, one to welcome Roger-Dodger, one to say yay-we-got-the-alicorn-amulet-back, Oooh, there’s an idea, a TRIPPLE-DECKER party with a triple-decker cake to go with it…!”

“Pinkie!”

“What? Oh, right, Welcome to Equestria Captain Rodger-Dodger America! I’ll be in touch about your welcome party after you settle in, Pinkie-Promise!”

Looking down at the eager, friendly faces surrounding me, I found myself becoming overcome by the positive emotions each was projecting in their own unique way. Kneeling down so that I wouldn’t tower over them, I managed a smile for each one as I stretched out my hand. “Miss Twilight, all of you, thank you so much for your kind words and offer. I would love to stay with all of you until I can figure out how to get back home.”

At first, Twilight seemed unsure what to do with my hand. Then she smiled and placed her own purple hoof in my proffered grasp, and shook firmly. “Then let’s finish up this mess here quickly, we have much to show you Roger.”

Dash suddenly blinked. “Uh, hey, not to harsh on the lovey-dovey we got going here, but did anypony happen to see where that creepazoid griffon went? Or the amulet doohickey for that matter?”

The group froze. I wracked my brain, trying to remember if I had seen anything resembling any kind of jewelry. As the ponies and I began attempting to compare notes, I realized that I hadn’t seen Colonel Scar-Tissue anywhere around whilst his goon squad was getting pounded into the dirt. Breaking away, I began methodically scanning the area, trying to see if the griffon was still around, simply laying low. It was at that moment that a grinding crash rang out from the deck of the ship. Whipping around, I was just in time to see a large cargo hatch slam completely open, as what looked like an oversized Fourth of July rocket shot from the hold, with the griffon in question strapped to the side in some form of harness. For one, seemingly endless second, our gazes seemed to lock. Then he was gone, riding a column of fire and smoke up and away beyond the horizon. Shuddering, I tried to get the memory of the scarred griffon’s eyes out of my head. They weren’t the eyes of a rational being, but of a rabid monster, simultaneously burning with insanity and chillingly calculating. The disparity was enough to ensure that any sleep I got from then on would feature those eyes in some nightmarish shape or form. Joy.

Down at my waist, I heard a horrified gasp. Turning to look, I saw Twilight staring after the rapidly dissipating smoke trail left by the rocket as though the Devil himself had appeared before her. Kneeling down once more to her eye level, I reached out a comforting hand. “Hey, Twilight, its okay. He got away this time, but he won’t be able to run forever. You’re safe now.”

Wrenching her eyes from the horizon, she looked to me with palpable fear in her wide eyes. “No, none of us are safe. In his talon, I saw it. He has the Alicorn Amulet.”

I'm Captain America

by skyace

Bad Day in Two Dimensions

It gets better... Kinda