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  • 141w, 3d
    And it's off! the pre-readers! I went all out and got chapapater 3 ready, and as of a few minutes ago have sent it off to the good people who sift through my unedited, literary garbage so you don't have to ;)

    In other news, got me Natural Selection 2. Jegus, it's good. Loved the first one, and this lives up to and then some.

    Anyway, thank's for your continued patience,


    3 comments · 106 views
  • 141w, 5d
    Chapter 3 is almost done. Seriously.

    Well everypony, chapapater 3 (sic) is almost done. And by almost, I mean I have about 100 - 300 words left to do. Sounds like a lot, but it isn't. After that it'll be straight off to my fantatstic pre-readers and then onto your computer screens.

    By tomorrow night, it should be off to the pre-readers. At the latest, Tuesday night.

    Toodle pip,


    3 comments · 60 views
  • 144w, 3d
    Some News and Trivia

    Hello there everypony! Just felt like sharing a bit of news and trivia with you all, as the title suggests.

    - Firstly, Chapter 3 has taken a small hiatus (literally 3 days) due to my science case study and my German writing exam. Work will resume as of Wednesday evening (GMT).

    - Secondly, I added a few more link thingies to my profile. These are:

             -My YouTube channel (awful)

             -My steam id. Please feel free to add and message me; I'm usually up for a game. The multiplayer games I currently own are:

                ~Team Fortress 2

                ~Counter Strike Source

                ~Garry's Mod



                ~Half Life (1)

                ~Hidden Source

                ~Zombie Panic Source

                ~Natural Selection (1)

                ~Mechwarrior Living Legends

                ~Mechwarrior 4 Mercenaries

                ~Gang Garrison 2

    In a bit of trivial news, I recently styled my Rainbow Dash's hair for the first time. Basically, my IRL friend M. bought me a 2012 Rainbow Dash (the one with the duck and the suitcase thing) and suffice to say I was overjoyed. However, I noticed that her time in the box had not treated her mane kindly. It was frizzy and had loose ends. So I tried combing her hair. Big mistake. The end result was that her hair looked even worse than before. I had a look around on the internet and discovered that I had to wash and condition ponies' hair. I found this amusing, but nevertheless gave it a try. And now her mane is straight, soft and smells like tea tree and mint. She takes pride of place amongst my small Gundam army as their noble and respected leader.

    All I can say is If you'd have told me one year ago that I'd be styling the manes of ponies then writing about the experience on a blog on a website where I upload fanfiction about said ponies before frequenting the halls of YouTube to watch videos about aforementioned ponies, I'd have questioned your mental sanity.

    Yet look at me now.


    2 comments · 67 views
  • 147w, 1d
    Quick update

    Chapter 2 is in the hooves of my pre-readers.

    2 comments · 110 views
  • 148w, 5d
    Chapter 2 update

    Well, I have good news for all of you reading this blog post. Chapter 2 of 'Hot Chocolate' is all but finished; I just have a few more words to write in order to round off the chapter nicely. Then it's off to the pre-readers! While I can't make any promises, You should expect the next chapter by the end of the week, if not by the weekend. Further good news is that this chapter is longer than the first, which should make for moar reading, as requested by most people in the comments XD

    Anyway, sorry for making you wait so long :(


    4 comments · 69 views
  • ...
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Sunlight streamed in through the large arched window, falling in a graceful beam onto a sleeping, sky blue pegasus. Yawning loudly, Rainbow Dash stretched her legs out under her warm blanket of cloud and blinked drowsily around her sunlit room.

Shelves affixed to fluffy walls contained miscellaneous objects and fond memories: A jar of rainbow from her first day working as a weather pony, her first moulted feather, a tome on advanced aerial maneuvers, one of the few books in her house, gifted to her by Twilight Sparkle. Posters adorned other sections of wall, mostly of her idols, the Wonderbolts.

Suddenly wide awake, she shot up, the blanket poofing back into the cloud that formed her bed. Rainbow Dash darted out of her room, and down the large spiral staircase, pausing only briefly in her kitchen to grab a banana. She leaped out of her front door and into the vast blue expanse of the sky, front-flipping gracefully as she arced towards the ground. Snapping her wings close to her body, Dash hastily ripped the banana out of it's skin and shoved the fruit into her mouth. She fell faster, the wind making her coat ripple like a storm tossed sea. Her jaw working furiously, the cyan pegasus barely savored the energy rich breakfast. She fell even faster, her mane almost vertical behind her head due to the rapid fall. She finished the banana and threw the skin away, the waste quickly flying upwards as she continued to plummet. Finally, right before hitting the ground, Rainbow Dash opened her powerful wings and pulled out into a smooth curve, softly landing on the grass, which was usually accompanied by a small filly's applause.

Except today there was silence. No orange filly waited expectantly beneath her cloud house. Puzzled, Rainbow scratched her head.

“Squirt's normally waiting here for me to wake up. We always train together on a Saturday,” she mused. But Scootaloo was nowhere in sight. Rainbow shrugged and began the short flight towards Ponyville, her house being slightly outside of the large village. “I guess I really was late,” she muttered as she saw the sun hanging at the top of it's ponderous arc across the sky. “Scoot must be having lunch!”

The wind whipped across her rainbow coloured mane as she gleefully cheered. Flying was her favorite thing to do. Ever. As she cleared the small hill that divided her house from Ponyville, she was greeted with the usual... silence? Now this was weird.

Ponyville was usually teeming on the weekends, families taking advantage of their days off to spend time with their children and to browse the busy market place. Now, however, it was barren. Streets lay empty. Shops stood closed and lifeless. Even the market square where Applejack sold her delicious farm products was devoid of ponies. Stalls stood abandoned yet pristine, fresh produce neatly displayed under vibrant overhangs.

All thoughts of finding Scootaloo quickly vanished as Rainbow struggled to suppress a small twinge in the center of her chest. It was a feeling she did not like one bit. She carried on flying over the empty town, occasionally swooping low and peering into windows in the vain hope of seeing somepony. Anypony. The twinge in her chest was now a cold hand clutching at her heart. She burst into buildings, the doors all unlocked. Yet the houses, while undamaged, were empty. The twinge in her chest was now undeniably the feeling Rainbow Dash, bravest and toughest pony in all of Equestria (in her opinion anyway), hated above all else. Fear. She tried the apple family barn, Twilight's tree house, Rarity's boutique and Fluttershy's cottage. All were empty. Finally, panting from exhaustion and fear, she burst into sugarcube corner.

There, at last, was another pony. Pinkie Pie slowly turned around, her eyes filled with hatred as she glared at Rainbow Dash. The pegasus took a nervous step backwards. This wasn't like Pinkie at all. She was usually the most friendly pony anypony could ever hope to meet, an active volcano of friendship and laughter. Now that volcano was inexplicably frozen over. “P-Pinkie pie? Where is everypony?” she asked nervously.

“Why should you care?” Pinkie coldly responded. “Its not like they need you anymore.” Her words pierced Dash's heart like an icy blade, leaving Rainbow unable to do anything but gape at her. What in the hay was going on?

“Please, Pinkie, I don't understand!” the confused pegasus finally struggled to say.

“Well isn't that a surprise,” Pinkie drawled sarcastically. “I'd love to stay and chat, but I have friends who need me. Goodbye, foreeeeeeeever...” The pink pony slowly faded away, turning transparent before dash's eyes.

“NO! Please don’t go. Please don’t leave me -,” Dash begged, as pinkie faded into thin air.

“ - alone...”

Rainbow dash screamed, jerking rapidly awake. She bolted upright and glanced around at her room, not sunlit but instead draped in a blanket of soft moonlight. Her chest rose and fell rapidly as she recalled her nightmare. For that was what it had been. She hoped. Flying down the stairs and out the door, the cool night air that greeted her quickly made her sweat soaked body shiver; and she made a beeline for Ponyville.

Clearing the small hill, she was greeted once again by silence. Then again, it was midnight, she reminded herself. Without hesitation, she flew over row upon row of thatched roofs before reaching one that seemed to be made of gingerbread; Sugarcube Corner. Flying up to the upper window, Rainbow Dash looked into the dark room... and sighed in relief at the sight of the small pink blob that slowly rose and fell on the bed.

“See, she would never abandon you!” Rainbow berated herself, “You stupid, stupid pony...” She turned and flew away, the moonlight glinting off of tears that were falling thick and fast from a sobbing, sky blue pegasus.

Meanwhile, a bright pink earth pony woke with a start. “Ooh, my pinkie sense is tingling!” she cried. “Ear flop, Knee twitch, Eye flutter,” she intoned, her ears flopping, knee twitching and eyes fluttering on her bed. “A rainbow? But its the middle of the night.” Her face screwed up in thought. “This must be a weird dream: my pinkie sense never lies. This is almost as weird as that one dream when I ate a huuuuuge cookie that was made of apples because a walrus needed to find ...” she happily rambled on to a sleeping baby alligator.

* * *

When morning finally came to Ponyville, it was to find a tired and disheveled looking Rainbow Dash that woke from a restless sleep. She ate lethargically before leaping expertly out of her house and gliding towards the ground. Her heart wasn't in her flying today. The nightmare kept replaying over and over in her head. Yet despite the average performance, the orange filly waiting on the grass below still cheered and clapped as Rainbow descended from her house in the clouds. Scootaloo stopped clapping though when she caught sight of Dash's face.

Her mane, though usually slightly unkempt, was a total mess, sticking out at odd angles like a multicoloured thorn bush. Dash's usually bright eyes were now red and slightly swollen, framed by dark rings.

“Uum, Dash, have you been... crying?” Scootaloo asked.

“What? No, of course not,” Dash replied nervously, mentally kicking herself for not checking her appearance. “I Just, um, was flying through some storm-clouds without my goggles on a, erm, special delivery mission. Yeah! I was on a special delivery mission for princess Celestia! Come on, crying? Who do you think I am, Fluttershy? I'm the bravest, toughest pony in Equestria!”

“Wow! So cool!” Scootaloo gasped. “Sorry about that.”

“That's fine,” Her idol replied with a tired grin, “Lets get this show on the road! Right, now I think you've been making good progress, and you almost flew last time! So today we'll focus on the take off and, with any luck, the landing.” Rainbow Dash watched with pride as Scootaloo, following her instructions to a tee, tried again and again to take off. At first, she just fell over, her wings flapping furiously as she flipped over onto the grass.

Gradually though, she retained control and as Celestia's sun slowly reached the peak of its path across the sky, Scootaloo finally did it. Admittedly, it was only really hovering slightly off the ground. And it only lasted for about 2 seconds before the filly face-planted into the dirt. But from the look on her mud covered face anyone would think she had just out-flown the Wonderbolts.

“D-did you see that?” the filly stammered excitedly, “I flew! I really did it!” Dash beamed at her ecstatic pupil.

“You did really well kid,” Dash chuckled as she ruffled Scootaloo's mane. “Maybe when I’m captain of the wonderbolts I can find a place for you on the team.”

“Thank you so much for this! Just wait until I show Applebloom and Sweetie Belle!” the filly said, turning towards Ponyville and beginning to gallop back. “Same time next Saturday?”

“You know it!” Dash called the to the shrinking orange pegasus, giggling as Scootaloo tried to fly as she ran, resulting in several crashes into bushes and trees.

When Scootaloo was out of sight, Dash was still in an exceptionally good mood. Scootaloo reminded her of herself when she was just a little filly back in - As quickly as they had gone, the memories of her nightmare came flooding back like the bursting of a dam. “Pull yourself together Dash!” she told herself angrily, “Stop worrying about a silly little nightmare. You know it would never happen!” At this, she cheered up slightly, but the little grain of doubt in her mind refused to leave. “Well... those rainclouds aren't gonna drive themselves off!” And with that, Rainbow Dash flew off towards an incoming patch of bad weather.

* * *

Twilight Sparkle trotted contentedly through Ponyville, enjoying the warmth of the sun on her deep purple mane. She looked up and down the busy high street, before turning her head slightly.  “What's next on the list Spike?” she asked her assistant riding on her back. The baby dragon reached into one of Twilight's saddle bags and checked a large scroll, neatly organized and meticulously triple checked earlier in the morning.

“We need to get some more ink,” he noted, “And get some winter coats from... Rarity...” His eyes glazed over and his voice seemed to come from a great distance as he pronounced the seamstress' name. Twilight giggled, and waved her hoof in front of Spike's face.

“Equestria to Spike, come in Spike,” she chuckled. Her assistant snapped out of his trance, shaking his head and muttering under his breath, all the while blushing a delightful shade of scarlet. Twilight carried on walking down the street, occasionally greeting a friend or a shopkeeper, when she spied Applejack at her stall. Deciding she had enough time to fit in a conversation with her schedule, she trotted over to the orange pony.

“Hey there Applejack!” she called. Applejack turned round and beamed at the pair.

“Well if it isn't Twilight and spike. What can ah do you for?” she asked. Hearing a low rumbling sound from her back, Twilight fished out some bits from her saddle bag and passed them over to her friend.

“We'll have two apple turnovers please!” she replied. “I think a certain dragon and I are in need of some lunch.” As she and Spike munched on the pastry treats Applejack handed over, the orange earth pony leaned over her stall and motioned for Twilight to come closer.

“You, er, notice anything strange about Rainbow today?” she whispered.

“No, why?”

“Look over there,” Applejack said, pointing with a hoof towards the sky. Even from a long distance, Twilight had no trouble identifying the rainbow coloured mane of a pegasus battling against some rainclouds.

“She's just doing her job, Applejack. Whats strange about that?” Twilight asked.

“Sugarcube, this is Rainbow Dash we're talkin' about here. She's normally goofin' off up some tree 'bout this time of day. She keeps the sky nice and clear, don't get me wrong, but she usually leaves it till the last second, know what ah mean?” At these words, Twilight stopped and thought. Applejack was right; Rainbow Dash always kept the sky clear, but she left it as late as she could most of the time. Something was definitely wrong.

“I see what you mean,” Twilight conceded, “But its probably nothing to worry about. Knowing Dash she's taken some kind of bet from the weather team.”

“Yeah,” Applejack sighed, “maybe you're right. Anyway, you enjoy your food now y'hear?”

“We will, thanks!” Twilight replied, waving as she trotted away from her friend, Spike being too hungry to care about anything except the mangled remains of the apple turnover in his now sticky claws. Applejack had a point, something was definitely up. She made a mental note to speak to Rainbow Dash the next day and get to the bottom of it.

But for now, she had a shopping list, an apple turnover and a love obsessed dragon on her hooves. It was going to be a long day.

* * *

Rainbow Dash flew down from the reddening sky as evening spread its warming hue across the land. She had hoped work would take her mind off of her... minor fright (The Dash was never scared), and it did. To some extent. Her muscles seemed to glow from physical exertion, and the endorphins her body released from it left her in a state of calm happiness.

For now, her thoughts were focused on two things: a nice, relaxing bath and her welcoming cloud bed. She enjoyed the cooling wind on her sweat matted mane. It was a nice evening. Dash entered her now orangey house and trotted wearily up to the bathroom. Rarity had given her some bubble bath from the spa for her last birthday, and although she didn't really care much for all this herbal mumbo-jumbo, it was definitely relaxing.

Twenty minutes later, Rainbow Dash exited the gurgling mountain of pink bubbles that used to be a bath, scrubbing herself roughly with a towel and yawning loudly. As the last of the bubbles drained away, she was already snuggling up under her wonderfully soft cloud blanket. In a few seconds, she was asleep.

* * *

The sun shone down on a sky blue pegasus as she weaved through the air over Ponyville. The birds were singing, there wasn't a cloud in the sky, and the residents of Ponyville were leaving forever...

Wait. Dash halted in mid air and stared down below. In the town square, everypony had gathered with all of their possessions and had began a march down the main road out of the village. “Where's everypony going?” She wondered aloud. “They can't leave without me.” She flew down toward the crowd of slow moving ponies. But when she got down there, they were gone. Baffled, she looked further down the road and there they were, plodding along at a snails pace. So how did she miss them? Rainbow galloped down the road, but as fast as she went the ponies just seemed to get further and further away. Panting, a familiar feeling beginning in her chest, Dash ran as hard as she could. Yet the crowd of agonizingly slow ponies was still miles ahead.

She took off and flew, faster than she had ever flown before. The trees and hills beside the road became blurs as she sliced through the air. But try as she might, she couldn't catch up. Finally, exhausted, she fell to the ground in a heap. “Wait!” she cried hoarsely. “WAIT! YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME!” The crowd of happy, laughing ponies carried on, oblivious to the pegasus' cries.

“Please,” Dash weakly called, tears forming in her eyes, “please wait...” Suddenly, like mana from heaven, she heard hooves from behind her. Turning hurriedly around, she saw Pinkie Pie hopping happily up the road, her saddlebags full of streamers and balloons. “Pinkie!” Dash croaked. Her friend hopped up to Rainbow Dash and looked down at the exhausted pegasus.

“Well, if it isn’t the pony without any friends,” she laughed. A cold, harsh laugh that sent shivers down Dash's spine and drove a familiar icicle into her heart. “Hey there, aloney-pony!”

“W-What?” was all she could stammer back. Pinkie Pie glared down at Dash with barely concealed anger.

“You disgust me.” She coldly replied, before hopping on towards the crowd of ponies. “Wait for me!” she cried, causing the crowd to slow down and wait for her, many waving at the pink party pony, or else chuckling at her ridiculous luggage. But no one paid any heed to the poor blue pegasus, sobbing in the road.

For the second time, Rainbow Dash awoke screaming, sitting up so quickly her cloud blanket evaporated from the force. She curled up into a ball in the centre of the bed,  her shivering occasionally broken by racking sobs that shook her from head to tail. This wasn't supposed to happen. She was The Dash. She was fearless, brave, strong. Right now she felt terrified, weak and worst of all, alone.

Sniffing loudly, she flew downstairs and out of her house, into the velvety night. It didn't take long for her to reach sugarcube corner. She felt foolish, but she had to check that her nightmare was just that. She had to check that Pinkie was still there. The occasional light from a window in the town told her that at least Ponyville hadn't up and left without explanation. She hovered outside her friends room and peered inside cautiously.

The bed was empty. Dash stared at it in total disbelief. She began to break out in a nervous sweat. That hand was back in her chest, and she found it hard to breathe. She darted around the window, peering in at every angle she could, trying in vain to catch a glimpse of pink. She had just about given up, when she heard something from behind her.

“What are we looking at?” a voice asked. Rainbow squealed and span around, pressing her body up against the window in alarm as she tried to get away from her assailant. Then she saw who it was.

Pinkie Pie revolved slowly in the air, dangling from several bright party balloons tied to her waist. She smiled and cocked her head at Dash as she awaited a reply. Dash just didn't know what to do. Her emotions were having a battle – actually, scratch that - her emotions were having a full scale nuclear war in her head, her thoughts a turbulent sea of supersonic warheads primed to explode at any moment. She just gaped at the floating party pony, speech having completely eluded her. Pinkie's grin faded when she took a closer look at her friends condition.

Rainbow Dash's sweat soaked body was trembling like a leaf in a hurricane. Her eyes had lost their usual brightness, instead having receded into tiny pinpricks, while her mane was so haphazard it would cause Rarity to have a fit. Yet even the limp, messy fringe couldn't hide her friend's tear stained cheeks.

“Maybe you'd better come inside,” Pinkie gently told her friend.

#1 · 152w, 20h ago · · ·

Well, I finally plucked up the courage to submit my first proper fanfic. I'm not too sure what to say here, so it'll be a little brief :twilightblush: In case anyone was wondering, this isn't going to turn into some kind of grimdark nightmare related story, so you can breathe a sigh of relief (or a curse of frustration, whatever works!). Comments and feedback would be greatly appreciated, and if there are any artists out there that might want to contribute some artwork to replace my crude attempt, It would be very welcome :raritywink:

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the story and stay tuned for more!

#2 · 152w, 12h ago · · ·

You grabbed my interest. I'll be tracking. Its a bit early to give proper critique, I didn't notice many typo's and such. "Twilight's tree house, rarity's boutique and fluttershy's cottage" mainly, Fluttershy and Rarity's name without a capital letter (and maybe Boutique needs a capital letter as well).

Other then that, no obvious OOC issues (yet), proper sentence structure as far as I can tell, punctuation and grammar seem to be fine. I'll be reading and if I feel I have something useful to say I'll say it.

#3 · 152w, 12h ago · · ·

I like how this is going and I can't wait to see more! 5/5 and tracked

#4 · 152w, 12h ago · · ·

Oi! You with the face! No, not you, you! Yes, you!


#5 · 152w, 12h ago · · ·

Me gusta. Keep up the good work! :twilightsmile:

#6 · 152w, 12h ago · · ·


Thank you! Glad to see you like it. I'll be taking your feedback on-board and double checking names from now on! Future feedback would be most welcome! :twilightsmile:


Thanks, i'm glad you enjoyed it!


Thank you, and rest assured 'Moar' is on the way!


That I shall! Thank's for the feedback.

#7 · 152w, 11h ago · · ·

Hmm, yes, this intrigues me. :moustache:

Little nitpick, but a lot of names and whatnot weren't capitalized. Other than that, not many spelling/grammar issues I noticed.

#8 · 152w, 11h ago · · ·

This is... interesting. This is getting tracked. Cant wait to see more! :D

#9 · 152w, 11h ago · · ·

hey Sam, it's a small world after all ^^

#10 · 152w, 11h ago · · ·

Tracking this, I'm very interested to see were it goes.


#11 · 152w, 11h ago · · ·


Why yes ma'am I am! where can I get this hot chocolate you speak of?



dat title

#12 · 152w, 10h ago · · ·

Thanks again for all your feedback everyone :twilightsmile:

I forgot to mention in my initial comment a big thank you to my two proof readers/editors:





Judging from your name, would you be Glenn? If so then it is indeed a small world :pinkiegasp:

#13 · 152w, 10h ago · · ·


:) me like

me want more


#14 · 152w, 9h ago · · ·

Good start! There are some capitalization issues, as others have noted, and also some missing commas. But overall the story has a nice flow to it, and I looked forward to reading more.

#15 · 152w, 9h ago · · ·


Moar is on the way! :rainbowdetermined2:



#16 · 152w, 8h ago · · ·

I noticed one error with Applejack's speech. The only time you use a verb then "ya fer" is with "do ya fer" those with a southern accent still say "what can I get ya" or in this case " what can I get ya sugarcube?"

Also you have Twilight say "I and a certain dragon" when politeness (not truly grammar) dictates that I or me always comes second.

I found no other major flaws, and if you need to contact me I do have an account on here. I am Not.

#17 · 151w, 6d ago · · ·


Thanks for the feedback! I've made the changes you suggested, and I may contact you in the near future.

#18 · 151w, 5d ago · · ·

found one little thing: Her emotions we're having a battle this should be were

great story sofar, keep up the great work :twilightsmile:

None but a coward dares to boast that he has never known fear. ~Ferdinand Foch

#19 · 151w, 4d ago · · ·


Thanks! I'll correct that mistake right away.

#20 · 150w, 5d ago · · ·

I'm really liking this story so far, definitely tracking it. I really like the teaching Scootaloo how to fly part, but I think when you said 20cm it was a little too specific- I found myself looking for a ruler or something around me. Also, I noticed a little Cap. thingie:  "..., she saw pinkie pie hop..."

But other than that, I am really liking this story, and for a first attempt it's awesome. I still can't find it in myself to start writing a fanfiction, even though I have read countless amounts of it (I think I may have an addiction), so I applaud you. Good luck and keep on writing :pinkiehappy:

#21 · 150w, 5d ago · · ·

Aww poor Dashy :raritycry:

But on the other hand, i really like this! I need more!! :ajsmug:

#22 · 150w, 5d ago · · ·

Top start so far! I am really looking forward to where this is going.

A few small things though (apart from the missing capitalisations), and they are commas and periods in speech tags and whatnot.

For example: "Why should you care?” Pinkie coldly responded, “Its not like they need you anymore.”

Should be: "Why should you care?” Pinkie coldly responded. “It's not like they need you anymore.”

And: “We need to get some more ink,” He noted, “And get some winter coats from... Rarity...”

Should be: “We need to get some more ink,” he noted. “And get some winter coats from... Rarity...”

Either way, just really small things. Keep up the great work!

#23 · 150w, 5d ago · · ·

Lookin forward for another chapter *tacks the fanfic*! I CAN'T WAIT! Any way good story! like I said can't wait for another chapter! :pinkiehappy:

#24 · 150w, 5d ago · · ·

I like the premise, and I will be following, but no 5/5 from me. The story seemed fairly average to me, no offense. It felt like the cliche story with sadness (although do NOT make RD commit suicide or I will call in the REA on your hide :twilightangry2:)

Anywho, back to coherent thought. It's not a bad story by any means, and I like the idea of it. However, it seems to me that there were a lot of things that should've been explained further in this chapter (such as why does RD only check on Pinkie after her night terrors, even after she's noted that there are ponies still in Ponyville [I assume it goes with the ship part but still.]) Another thing I would've liked to see is the explanation of why RD hates being alone (I am once again assuming that it will be explained in the future and maybe give RD some huge issues with being in a relationship [that'd be a nice plot twist, actually] or something along the lines.)

But yes, all in all, pretty average, cliche, etc. Not bad though. Not bad in the slightest. I'll give it 4 here after I round up the 3.5-3.9 your story fell into.

Also, a quick read through for capitalization and other minor edits.

Keep writing!

#25 · 150w, 5d ago · · ·

Another story for me to follow, willingly at that!

#26 · 150w, 5d ago · · ·

Good job on this sir, can't wait to see more!

#27 · 150w, 5d ago · · ·

Good job. You gave Dash a weakness without making her OOC or insulting the reader's intellegence. Looking forward to more. And Gratz on EqD.

You for got to capitalize the first instance of "Wonderbolts".

I take issue with Dash's explanation to Scootaloo. Dash doesn't make stuff up to cover for herself. She's brush it off, but I doubt she'd spin that tale.

Also although I'm loving that Dash is training Scootaloo, and am down with her early level of progress, Scootaloo is VERY agile and acrobatic and should not crash and fall so much.

#28 · 150w, 5d ago · · ·

Some spelling and grammar errors throughout, I'm kind of surprised it made it past the EQD pre-readers.

Pretty good ATM; waiting for the rest.

#29 · 150w, 4d ago · · ·

I must concur with the general theme of others' comments: MOAR PLEEEEEZE. :yay:

Seriously though, look forward to the next chapter! =3

#30 · 150w, 4d ago · · ·

This is great so far. Can't wait for the rest.

#31 · 150w, 4d ago · · ·


Thank's very much! Sorry if it's too specific, i'll have to change that; Being a bit of a war-gamer, measurements sort of become etched into my memory :rainbowlaugh: I'll also get right on that cap error! Should you ever choose to write a fanfic, I wish you the best of luck!


Thank you! Chapter 2 is on the way!


Many thanks for the corrections, they are always much appreciated :pinkiehappy:


Thanks! You shouldn't have to wait too much longer now for chapter 2, since I got rid of my valve-time clock the other day :trollestia:


No offence taken my good sir! I can understand why you think it's cliche, but I can achieve (hopefully) more character development through emotional struggles and conflict. And don't worry about Dash committing suicide: That's definitely not going to happen! I wub her too much :rainbowkiss: As for why she checks on Pinkie, it was because her nightmare has two 'themes' if you will. One is the fact that ponyville has left, but the other is that Pinkie hates her. As such, she feels she has to check on Pinkie as well to check that that part of her nightmare isn't real. And as to why she hates being alone? Rest assured, that will be revealed in future chapters.

But yeah, thank you very much for the feedback, and keep writing I shall!


Thank you!


More is in production as we type!


Thanks very much! I shall eradicate the cap errors with balefire soon enough. I can see what you mean with regards to her ludicrous tale of gallantry, but I thought it'd seem more Dash-like for her to try and brag her way out of a tight situation. I made Scootaloo slightly clumsy just because I'd think it would be pretty hard having to control two wings independently and flap them both at the right speed and direction. I also imagined she'd be pretty excited and nervous; liable to make mistakes.


I'll have to go over it again and spell check methinks :facehoof: Glad you like it though!


Moar will be heading your way soon!



#32 · 150w, 4d ago · · ·

good fic, tracking for more updates.

#33 · 150w, 4d ago · · ·

I ran the 'fic by my sleep deprived brain and hopefully I've corrected all the spelling errors.


Thank you!

#34 · 150w, 4d ago · · ·

I'm not going to lie, I normally don't read shipping fanfictions put this one seems VERY well written. Can't wait for the next chapter

#35 · 150w, 2d ago · · ·


Thank you :twilightblush: The next chapter should be out soon, but this week's exams are slowing my writing progress to a crawl. However, next week it'll be full steam ahead!

Also, I'd like to thank:

For drawing fanart of my story. This alone made my week, but they then took on my request and made a cover image which *should* be online (If it isn't, it should be soon). If you have the time, check them out, if only for the drawing of 'nightmare' Pinkie Pie :pinkiehappy:

#36 · 150w, 2d ago · · ·

Well, I wish I had more to say, but this story is turning out to be really good! There could be some debate as to whether or not Dashie is being OOC or not, and for the same reason for both. She's the Element of Loyalty. One one hoof, she would be loyal to the thought that her friends would never abandon her, but on the other hoof, perhaps that's part of what drives/drove her to be so loyal to begin with: because she herself was abandoned at some point, and, not wanting anypony else to have to feel that, drives her to be so loyal herself. But that's just speculation. Still, I look forward to see how you describe and explain everything, so... :pinkiehappy:

~ Moonstone, Minstrel of Equestria

#37 · 150w, 12h ago · · ·


   Thank you! All will be explained in future chapters. Glad you like it!

#38 · 149w, 1d ago · · ·

I finally got around to read your story and I like it so fare. I love how dash is teaching Scootaloo how to fly. I love hearing Story's about Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash for some reasons it always catch my interest. Well any I be track your story now. Keep up the good work.:rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss:

#39 · 148w, 5d ago · · ·

>>144150 Thank you very much!

#40 · 147w, 3d ago · · ·

Love this story so far!  Very well-written.  Looking forward to the next chapters!

#41 · 147w, 1d ago · · ·

>>177254 Thank you! You wont have long to wait now - chapter 2 is in the hands of my pre-readers.

#42 · 144w, 4d ago · · ·

I had this tracked but never actually read it.

Im please with how its going.

ON TO CHAPTER 2:rainbowkiss:

#43 · 132w, 1d ago · · ·

That first part with the dream put me entirely on the edge of my seat. I wasn't expecting it, but by the end I was genuinely alarmed at everything that was happening (or lack there of). Plus, it was terribly... ironic? The element of loyalty finding herself abandoned... alone. :fluttercry:

Beats me why Dashie went to check on Pinkie. I would be avoiding her, after a dream like that. I'd go check on Fluttershy or something. Also, I don't know what Pinkie's waking up did for the story... (sorry for being so critical, "I am in the mood", as t'were. :raritywink:)

You've probably already received tons of complaints about the random moments where things lose their capitalization, so I won't comment on it (wait, didn't I just do that?).

So awesome :rainbowkiss:. Ima keep reading now. :twilightsmile:

#44 · 132w, 1d ago · · ·

Man Dash's dreams must real dozzies if all it takes is 1 bad one to break her. :rainbowderp:

Comment posted by raspberryowl deleted at 11:37am on the 6th of October, 2014
#46 · 7w, 22h ago · · ·

Found a thing

But its the middle of the night should have it's instead of its

Oh yeah, another thing

Well if it isn't Twilight and spike. Spike should actually be capitalized since it's a name.

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