/---------------------------------------------\
Chapter II - Strange New World
\---------------------------------------------/
That feeling when you are travelling by a teleportation is unforgettable. You can feel the atoms in your body slowly disappearing into nothing. It doesn't hurt, it's not even uncomfortable. But this time, I never felt such pain in my body. I felt like my atoms were exploding and the only thing leftover was magma, or something else really hot. Thanks to the pain I fell unconscious for god knows how much time.
When I woke up, I felt sick like coming home from an after party. It was dark. I felt dizzy, but not enough that I could puke. So far I had not thought about where I was. My head was more concerned about “trasndimensional hangover”. Yeah that’s the name. It took me a while to realize with this headache that I had expected this and took pills for really strong hangovers. After a while, I was feeling better and finally, I was able to put myself into exploring this unknown environment. I was in some kind of a forest. The trees were branchless and about 5 meters tall.
Was I really in Equestria? “Maybe,” I thought. “Yes, just in a place they never show on the show itself.”
“Hmmm, strange. There's something about those trees. Maybe....if I can..." I walked through some giant balls of dirt and dust to get closer to one of those branchless trees. When I came closer to one of those trees, I touched it. It didn’t feel like any tree I knew. Was it made out of fibers? I couldn't really see it properly, since it was dark. I climbed the tree and tried to look around.
I couldn't see anything, only a mountain in the distance. “If I get up there, I might be able to see more!" I said to myself.
I climbed down and took a path through the strange trees.
My walk took about 15 minutes and it was mostly uneventful. I sometimes heard some weird noises coming from somewhere really far away and I sometimes tripped over those dirt balls. When I finally made it to the mountain, I could see its details properly. It was smooth and cold, like steel. There was something odd about it though. The smell! Oh my god that smell was so beautiful! I stopped thinking and followed the smell up to the mountain. The mountain wasn't very steep, and I was able to climb with enough friction to hold myself onto it.
When I scaled the mountain, I was shocked to find out that it was some kind of a volcano! There was really narrow ground, and there were some walls and more walls higher than the ones I initially saw. They were really weirdly shaped, and it looked like there were ornaments on it. Maybe it was a city? I couldn’t tell, since I couldn't see thanks to the darkness.
Then the smell hit me again. It once again clouded my mind and with it, I tried to walk on the edge of the ground above the dark crater. But that sweet smell made me blissful, like I was drunk. Then it happened. I didn't pay much attention and tripped over the edge and fell into the crater. “This is the end”, I thought.
But before I could embrace death, I fell onto something soft. I opened eyes and found out, that the ground of this crater was soft! Like the softest thing you'll even feel in your life. And the smell was so strong! I looked around to find that all around me were those balls of dirt. There even were puddles of some sort of liquid. After 30 minutes of walking, climbing and falling, I felt really thirsty. I went to a puddle and formed a cup in my hands. I filled it up and smelled the liquid. It smelled salty, but it also was really sweet. It didn't smell like salt water though. It smelled more like a really good sweat. I always felt weird around these things and I liked it. I didn't hesitate and took a sip of it. It tasted much better than it smelled. Something like really sweet lemonade with some trace taste of vinegar.
“Ahhh that hit the spot. *yawn* Oh, I'm so tired after all of this I better get some sleep." And with that, I fell asleep. What I didn't know was that a certain mare was about to rock the world of a certain creature, unaware of the consequences.
Ha, poor guy; he's in for a bad day.
(Love the cover art, btw. AlloyRabbit does great stuff!)
4249111
Oh yes....haha....he is
Grammar issues but since English isn't your native language its understandable. I can still read what your typing. Interesting story and it looks promising. Keep it up!
Okay we didn;t drink water but I'm guessing Luna's Saliva?
4249249
Sweat, but saliva will be someday too ;)
First few chapters will be unaware, trapped somewhere on Luna :D
You gotta fix these spacing issues, man. Every line is broken.
Did you write this in Notepad with "Word Wrap" enabled? That might have been it.
Will offer to help with formatting and whatnot. I see a promising story here.
Sweet Luna's ass, do you know how to space?
4251485
4250186
I know about it, i wrote it in notepad, because i needed it there to be it on Deviant Art. Next time, I'll use Word. And it will be fixed soon ;) don't worry
This looks great. I agree with the others, some issues, but considering this is a first story and you're not a native speaker, it looks promising.
Eagerly awaiting more
Macro/micro fetish fuel. Nice.
Interesting. There aren't that many good small human in Equestria fics around these days, and this one doesn't seem terrible.
I'll keep my eye on it.
4252856
I'll think about it. Thanks!
The premise and stuff is good. The story so far is excellent, and i would be willing to help you edit. Or you could request an editor in the overly extensive editor group however you have to use gdocs. It makes it much easier and stuff. I really like what i've read so far and I think it would help smooth things out with the language issue. Excellent so far, but a good editor will help a lot.
...I... Am quite intrugued... I do want to see more of this. And I would enjoy being an editor if you would like.
No he did not
4256268 What?
...Uhhhh.............
For a second there, i thought it was something REALLY bad.......
..So i don't get more bad thoughts, where is he ON Luna?
4256744 Nothing, Reclaimer.
4256758
So far, in her shoe under the bed. My inspiration was a chapter on one FiM micro interactive story. It no longer exist :(
love the concept of the story so far, though I think that it could be... lengthened a bit? like alittle more detail into whats going on I mean. It almost feels as if it is alittle rushed, here in the early chapters. But that is not a problem that will stop me from liking and reading the story! :)
Grammar seems to be good. and by that, I mean that no errors stood out enough to bother me. so I may have seen one or two errors, but just overlooked them.
Cant wait for the next chapter, and hope to see what will happen to our friend Andrew!
4256834
Thanks you! My problem is that i always make things fast, even if im trying to do it patiently. I hope i'll fix that problem soon ;)
4256860
Take you time! Don't rush
4256868
I know that feel :D Fortunaltely for me, since he was too tired, he though it was a dream :D
4256840
If your open to advice, I learned this the hard way: Quality over Quantity. or in this case, Quality over Speed. made that mistake with my first fanftc and posted the first 5 chapters in less than two weeks! looking back now, I cringe at what I could have done better if I hadn't rushed.
Not to say that you are pumping out chapters too fast! doing pretty good truly.
4257019
I had the first one written for about a month, and i needed 1K words, so it came here just now :D
4258259
Hope you'll like it ;)
The last paragragh in chapter two felts a little weird. But meh.
I also feel that chapters could be a bit longer. 700 words is not a hole lot. Perhaps try to shoot for 1000 that would be nice.
Other then that I have not seen to many major errors. I seen near the beginning that you put NOT instead of No I think it was but besides that I enjoy the story. Can't wait for the next instalment!
4259509
Well we can't all like the same things now can we?
>less than 1000 word per "chapter"
disappointment....
good.
Chapter 3 is now in progress
4284263
Okay, 1300+- words, now only to translate it to English, then to Proof-edit.
4300309
Just send me the draft in email and I'll the editing done for you. I'll be busy for a few days so I can't guarantee when. But it WILL get done before the end of the week. I promise. You can take me for my word.
soooooo what was that about a volcano then?....
O.O wat.