EA False Hope

• MLP: FiM
• Sad
• Sci-Fi
• Slice of Life

Fluttershy awakes to find she has been revived by Twilight using science and magic. However, how much of a blessing is it really?

• Fluttershy
• Twilight

Emotion Nexus · 1k words  ·  62  6 · 1.1k views

“One of the Mane 6 has been revived and put into a robot” is not what I would consider a 1k word idea. As such, this entire story feels really rushed. In one paragraph Fluttershy realizes she has died, and in just a few more she’s decided that she doesn’t want to live anymore. We just don’t have the time, given the short total word count, to fully address everything in depth.

Welcome to the section of the review that is super short if the author knows how sentences function. Thankfully, they do! Periods go where the periods go, as do the commas, etc., etc…. It’s all done rather well is what I’m saying.

Now, the paragraphs are a bit rushed. This leads into the story itself being rushed, because the paragraphs about big topics end way too soon. If each paragraph were longer, or held smaller, easier ideas, then the flow in each one would be much better.

And, continuing off the last section, the paragraphs themselves would flow into each other much better as well. As it stands now, it seems as though each person (being only Fluttershy and Twilight) are jumping from one thing to another. And, worst of all, jumping to some very big decisions after seemingly no time at all to think about them. Fluttershy doesn’t sound like herself, and Twilight gives up way too easily.

Overall, not a particularly bad story. Just way too short for its own good.

Just slow things down. Let each character be themselves. And always remember to show, not tell. Fluttershy feels something’s wrong, but we don’t see any actual evidence of that. Show Twilight giving Fluttershy her first sunrise (or, you know, twilight) since waking up, and show Fluttershy not feeling anything at all. Show her not being able to communicate with her animals like she used to, either literally not understanding them or not being able to be gentle with them like she had always been so adept at. Just show them living, or, in Fluttershy’s case, struggling to. Then, when she finally makes her decision to go back to being dead, it’ll feel that much more impactful, because we not only know that she doesn’t feel right, but we’ve [i[seen it.

This fic may be for you if:

• You like short and sweet stories
• You enjoy stories about coping with loss

This fic may not be for you if:

• You want a fully-developed idea
• You want to be invested in the story/characters