Title: My Wings will Keep you Safe
Author: Astral Phoenix
Amount Read: All
Verdict: 5.5/10 Reject

So as is customary with my reviews, I love to see the good in fics, and to be able to talk and elaborate on what you did well. And I will say, I really did enjoy this fic, it was very good on a technical side, very few spelling errors, I never had an issue with grammar or punctuation or the more technical stuff. In that respect, you’re a very fluent and proficient writer, something I have sincerely struggled with myself. So mega props! That stuff isn’t easy! But sadly we can’t just learn and grow from positive feedback alone! What a world that would be, and whilst this fic is interesting and the plot is interesting and fresh, it isn’t without it’s issues. And it can be painful to hear this stuff, but that’s okay! Because that’s how we get better! This is your first oneshot and seriously.. If I was as good as you for my first oneshot there would be a lot less cringe in my life… So without further ado, let’s bust into the review!!

I did notice some style errors like redundant words. Especially ‘Little Filly’ and ‘Filly’. Get creative! But remember to make it very easy to discern from characters without thinking too much about it. This is a fine art and will come with practice, however. I personally know this struggle as a lot of my work only has two - three characters in the spotlight, which means a lot of referring to them. I also saw some perspective changes, try to keep it consistent, otherwise, it can be confusing and difficult to follow it. Start the story in Twilight’s perspective, or maybe start in AB’s, but don’t jump!

“Apple Bloom sighed in disappointment. “Oh, right.””

There is a lot of this redundant writing. It almost turns a show phrase back into a tell-y one. Apple Bloom sighed, this kind of already symbolises that she is disappointed, you don’t really need to tell everyone that she was, we can already gather that from her sigh.

Now, as an author for what I can assume is more than ten minutes…. I can assume that you’ve had ‘show, don’t tell’ beaten into you like a batten in a dark alley after a night out. Just WHAM, WHAM, WHAM, no good time for you! That sucker is rule number one, but only because it is so damn important to adhere to, but so difficult to grasp and naturally get into the habit of. Think of it like spice in a curry, without it, your story is just a bland series of events. We want to create a foundation for these events to sit on, the meat of the curry, which is why tell is necessary! But for the actual development of the story and the events that carry the plot forward, we as authors need to make that interesting and up for the reader to get lost in. To imagine that truly happening. That is the spice! The flavour! The punch that makes the whole thing worthwhile. There are times in this fic where we get a chunk of tell, and it kind of destroys this beautiful painting you’re trying to craft.

Whenever you see a passage like this in your story:
“Apple Bloom shrugged, and Twilight began gathering some books from the library shelves. Before long, the two of them were midway into building their fort, and it was close to resembling a castle. Apple Bloom was just about to place another book when yet another huge explosion erupted, causing her to flinch so much that she tumbled over the fort and knocked the whole thing down, the books landing on top of her. Twilight frantically moved the books away and found a curled up Apple Bloom shaking in fear once again.”

Look at all these tell-like elements. This is meat, chunky-ass beef, but we already have it! We know that they’re gonna make a pillow fort. Try looking at each sentence individually and see how you can create more of a scene and more of a setting, add detail, add description. This doesn’t tell us how they feel, what the books are like, how dark the room is, what the book forts are like, did they laugh? Did they play? Did they smile? Who’s was bigger? How did the books topple? Did it hurt? How did Twilight feel? This is the stuff as readers we want to know!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I still enjoyed it! But adding this turns your curry from a bunch of tasty meat in a creamy sauce to a succulent, juicy, flavorful experience for your audience to enjoy! (man, now I feel like vindaloo, adding that to the shopping list).

Characterisation, now I feel someone else in another review touched on this, the whole changelings everywhere thing! And I do agree. I can see to an extent, that Twilight will want to help and comfort AB, but holy cow, she turns into an ace carer/almost mother figure in the blink of an eye. There was all this expectation that this was going to be a very canon-esque story, then Twilight completely jumps that ship and turns into something she totally isn’t. Stylistically, I honestly would have LOVED it if you had made Twilight some clumsy, goofball who has a difficult time showing affection. She struggles with it but eventually comes to learn how to do it and how to help AB. The kiss goodnight could have been fantastic! As a way of showing her character development and how far she’s come, but because she gives her one earlier, it’s lost. Twilight isn’t really flawed and the complication of the fic doesn’t seem to affect her, which is not great because stories are all about conflict and overcoming that conflict. With AB it’s her fear of lightning and her need for affection, but without that development and that motherly tenderness automatically inserted into Twilight it kind of just feels like shoe-horned fluff for fluff’s sake.

Speaking of fluff, this is a - passionate one for me. Fluff, by principle, is a tool! Fluff is no way, no how, not in any circumstance, a premise or a device!!!! Oh my gosh this is such a common problem I see. Fluff is cute, fluff is great, but please…. Please don’t make a fic merely to shove as much of it down the audience’s throat as possible. Fluff is a tool, this is my mantra because it truly is. It’s fantastic as a tool too, it shows relationship, it shows development, it helps drive the plot, it shows conflict resolution, and it helps emphasise emotion. But there are rules!

Golden rule: IT NEEDS PURPOSE! It needs a reason for existing, to just whack it in there and call it a day isn’t doing a great story it’s justice, it needs to be valid, and it needs to say something about two characters. Are they in a relationship? Do they feel close? Does the fluff represent someone opening up? Does it represent the struggles they go through? Does it emphasise the conflict? Does it show development? If you can’t justify it being there, or if it doesn’t add anything, then smack that backspace. I’m not saying make your characters emotionless husks that all hate each other, but use it sparingly and the effect will speak for itself. If you wanna see someone who has mastered that gooey, cute feeling inside your system without taking away from the plot, really take a good look at Carapace’s Work It’s a fantastic fic that puts a smile on my face every time, but does so stylistically and creatively without taking away from the actual plot itself.

Alright, this review is huge so I’m gonna leave it there. I know that is A LOT to take in, and sorry. I got carried away, but I truly do hope this helps you on your adventure! You’re a great writer and honestly, these aren’t too hard to fix, even if it may seem that way. Goodluck and I truly do hope you submit again, I’d love to see more of your work in Reviewer’s Cafe, it is well worth reviewing!

Signing off, and good night, America,

-Milo Chalks <3