Hello everypony, I'm TheLevelHeadedBrony! I'm here today to commentate/ review Crimson and Clover by Marcibel

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Let's start with the description:

Crimson and Clover, a young couple, flee the Manehattan Mafia and a disapproving father when they move from Manehattan to Ponyville to start life anew, meeting six extraordinary ponies (take a wild guess who they are). It is in this new life where Crimson, Clover, and their new friends are challenged by Fluttershy's hoarding, foal-birth, a great fire, mobsters, and the facts of life.

This caught my eye when i was looking for my first story to officially review. MLP doesn't really touch big world issues like the mafia and mobsters, so the introduction of these topics along with Fluttershy being a hoarder....
(Somebody call the animal cops...)

...well I just had to give it a look.

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Chapter 1

Right off the bat, I'm hit with this wonderful piece of prose:

Love is a wretched, evil thing. It drives ponies mad. Ponies that don’t have it go mad while seeking it; and ponies that do, go mad while trying to keep it. It draws the weak out of their shells before crushing their innocent hearts. It leads young fillies away from the warm, sweet sanctuary of home to the bitter corner where the streets of Foolish Decisions meet Despairing Consequences. It is a parasite dressed as an adorable puppy, and it is this wrongful connotation that has caused so many to blindly follow it. Although, I shouldn’t condemn those that do trust in love. My name is Clover, and I am mad.

I can tell a lot of thought went into this...my own stories don't start off smacking the reader in the face with a dose of reality.

But then I'm hit with an equally long description of the main character and her love interest. I guess it's needed, but a cover featuring the two main characters would cut down on the whole "my mane is a dark green pine color".

He said that all he ever really wanted was a life of simplicity, but not like those Amish ponies.

What qualifies a pony as Amish? Most ponies already live simple lives with few technological features... maybe its just a simple life, unlike . I know it's not a key element of the story, but it just got me thinking...
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Chapter 2

They were eating delicious-looking cupcakes with green frosting topped with a slice of a delicious red.

.

a delicious red...??? ... And you may not want to use the word delicious...it doesn't really add much to the description of food.

“Yeah.” Applejack turned back to the fillies and then said, “If you’re looking for work, the Ponyville Weather Patrol is looking for Earth ponies and unicorns to hire for preparing for storms.”

hmm... i wonder if this will eventually lead the protagonist to meeting the main six... (sarcasm alert)... and do people...i mean ponies...really invite someone to dinner that they just met?

“Sorry about what my friend did; she’s a few rain drops short of a puddle.”

Poor ...

There, you’ll meet Twilight Sparkle,

so, she's been in town less than a day, and's she's already met the mane six, who just happen to be going to Applejack's dinner....

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Chapter 3

I honestly didn't like this chapter much. She got a job, but this chapter could be highly condensed.

I did like the introduction of Zecora. It's just kinda hard to dislike someone who constantly talks like she's in a Shakespearean play.

And there's also this:

I told him all about Lily and Rose, Zecora, and the clutter I had made.
“Wow,” he said. “Sounds like you had yourself quite a day.”
I threw myself onto the loveseat and off of my hooves. “What about you?”
“Some pony lost a hoof working the large circular saw.”
I looked to Crimson in slight disbelief and said, “Okay, you win.”

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Chapter 4

“I got it when I started my own garden.”
They weren’t satisfied. Apparently, they were expecting me have some big moment that eventually ended with the achievement of me reaching marehood. I had to explain to them that some ponies don’t get their cutie marks though big adventures or challenging moments. Sometimes, you just get things when you do something you love doing.

That definitely sounds like the CMC's

Yeah for happy endings!!!.....(can i stop smiling now?)

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Chapter 5

Twilight asked Pinkie Pie and me if we could accompany her to Canterlot. Apparently, her copy—which was also the library’s copy—of the third installment of the exciting Daring Do series was ruined by a certain adventure-loving pegasus that checked it out (for the fourth time) and then left it outside while helping the Weather Patrol put together a rainstorm.

Why is Clover going again? I'm sure Twilight has met plenty of people at dinner but wouldn't take them to Canterlot. And shouldn't it be Rainbow Dash that goes? It would be torture for her to be trapped in the egghead Colosseum!

We eventually came to the nonfiction section. In there was a book that caught both sets of our eyes. The title was Equesria’s Book of World Records. I looked at Pinkie, and she at me. I grabbed the book, and we began reading it in the middle of the aisle.

I always read in the middle of an aisle in bookstores... they need more couches and chairs...and I always tried to find the weird people or the most giant ice cream sandwich

“Wow, some pony is not a morning person.”

!!!!!! THEY SAID PERSON!!!CONSPIRACY ALERT CONSPIRACY ALERT!!!!! (CALL LYRA!!!!)

I am Mrs. Guinness

Now now...no need to be slipping in alcohol references in... wait.....

and didn't spike call her appletini?.....!!!!!!!!!!!!

and didn't pinkie say that he "spiked the punch"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wait!!!

4. All attendees must be clean of recreational and sleep-depriving drugs.

So they can't smoke a joint or drink a cup of coffee? What about soda or chocolate?

This sounds like a horrible party....nevermind the fact that now Equestria has drugs.

A year later, Pinkie Pie received a copy of the new Equestrian Book of Records and showed every pony around town. On the entire next page of Pinkie’s record was a full-page picture of not just her, but of the entire town of Ponyville. As for her record, it was broken once, by about fifteen minutes; but we owned them the following year.

So does that mean the next chapter is two years later? And I'm pretty sure a Los Pegasus party would last longer...they're always partying there.
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Chapter 6

Suddenly, Sweetie Belle had an idea. “We should each make a foal!”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Then why are y’all in trouble?” Applejack asked. But instead of waiting for an answer, she turned to Cheerilee.
“These three have been asking colts to have foals with them.”

I'd hate to be a parent and get that call....Then again, that's why i'm probably not going to be a parent.

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Review:
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Execution/ Presentation
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For the most part, this story stayed in first person with Clover. For the most part, I saw no faults except that I would use italics to indicate thoughts But especially in Chapter 6, the pov shifts around without a lot of notice. I have done stories where the pov shifts, but I would put lines(------------------------------) inbetween different pov's

This story was written with a lot of purple prose. I almost thought that the story of Crimson and Clover could be condensed a bit to better keep the attention of the reader. I was able to connect with the story, but a few "bumps" or long stretches lost my interest. The pacing also varied from chapter to chapter. Most fics do, but the difference in pacing between Chapter 3 and Chapter 5 was extremely drastic. The stories eventually begin to seem like individual episodes with different authors.
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Mood
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Based on the six chapters currently published, I'm guessing the author wanted the mood to be acceptance and friendship. While the story so far delivered, I again feel that each chapter has its own mood and feel, which doesn't unify the story. Also, I felt that the mood was a little too concentrated. Clover makes friends with six very different ponies very easily. I know this is Equestra, but still...
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Grammer
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overall, this story gets a B+ for grammar. There were only a few mistakes, but they were consistent. I'm not gonna go over them all, but I chose a few examples.
Chapter 1

At first, she admitted not knowing us; but she continued talking to us as if we were friends, a decent change of pace from the snobs I was used to.

I personally would re-write the beginning as "Although she admitted to not knowing us, she continued to talk to us..."

Make sure tense and voice stays consistent, and try to learn when to use semicolons

Chapter 2

She was excessively hyperactive (as redundant as that statement may be, it was true); and yet, she was friendly, pleasant company and smile-provoking.

Again, you cannot use a semicolon when a conjunction follows the independent clause.

Chapter 5

The Friday following Applejack’s supper and following Crimson’s and my one week anniversary, Twilight asked Pinkie Pie and me if we could accompany her to Canterlot.

make sure when refering to two people, it's Crimson and I

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Tips
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In the description, you put up a lot of hype, yet the book has not covered mobsters, fire, or Flutterhoarder. Will the mobsters start looking for Crimson? What will other ponies think of him once they discover he's an ex-mafia member?

Also, try to keep the situations realistic. I doubt Mr. and Mrs Cake would just let Pinkie go gung-ho decorating their house and shop and effectively kicking them out for the night.

I would also suggest you get an editor to look at the chapters to find the nitpicky stuff.
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Rating
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I rate this fic, according to the Commentator rating scale , Enjoyable

I found a few good nuggets of really good writing, but the flow of the story is jumpy and all over the place.I would like to see more of this to see if my questions are answered

2844141
Wish I had a stamp to approve this.

so it was good?

2844409
You did great, I am having a hard time finding things to be constructive on. I do think that might be a good sign

2844141
It may be unorthodox of me coming here and saying these things, but here are a few things to clear some of the things up:

First, the POV not once shifted from Clover's point of view. If you read the scenes where the perspective is told from a third-person point of view, you'll realize that Clover isn't in them. She'll always be telling the story, but she certainly can't use words like "I" or "me" when describing scenes without her in them. When I was writing this, I had the realization that a third-person story is just a story that doesn't have the narrator in it. It's a bit weird, yes, but it was necessary.

Second, I was taught in school to use semicolons to separate the independent clauses in a compound sentences when either of the independent clauses have additional punctuation, like a comma; and an online site actually concurs.

Third, the "hype" from the summary reference chapters with the fire being the earliest one planned, Chapter Nine. I have over thirty chapters planned, even the ending, and some ideas are still coming to me.

Fourth,

Will the mobsters start looking for Crimson? What will other ponies think of him once they discover he's an ex-mafia member?

Yes, and you'll have to wait until I write that particular chapter to find out.

Despite all of this, I have been thinking about rewriting some, if not all, of this story. Now my questions for you are: Do you suggest this? And if so, what parts exactly?

P.S. I really enjoyed reading this. I had a review done on another one of my stories, and it was boring. This was actually helpful. Thank you.