Within Tartarus: A Collection of Horrifying Events

By Cromegas_Flare and contributors

Reviewed by Rinnaul

From the Top
This is an unusual one in that it's an anthology (with some interconnected entries). So rather than doing a long commentary for each chapter followed by a breakdown of the major areas, I'm going to do a quick review of each story individually and point out any highlights or weaknesses that I see, with a section on my overall feelings towards it at the end. It’s still going to be really long.

Intro: Warning, while not technically a story itself, reminds me of Rod Serling’s opening narration for The Twilight Zone. That’s a good thing. It’s a bit too brief to properly set the mood, though, and a few odd phrases, such as “within the peace of their minds” and “guarded by the souls of those recorded”, were a distraction.

Fluttershy’s Angel begins with a series of brief statements, and feels choppy. It’s trying to set up the slice-of-life tone that the horror will inevitably destroy, but the poor flow hampers that. The scenes of Fluttershy in bed do more to establish a calm, everyday tone than the previous sections did, using references to the sounds of the animals she surrounds herself with (and then the absence thereof) as wonderful scene-setting, and provide a natural lead into our horror elements. I was distracted from the early paranoia-development sections by some conflicting descriptions, but aside from some “telly” writing, the imagery worked well. I honestly loved the next section, when Fluttershy was assaulted, and that sort of physical torment could have easily carried the entire chapter. I was actually a bit disappointed when we then meet the monster, as I feel that horror doesn’t always need one - an unexplained malevolent force can be antagonist enough. Fluttershy’s psychological crisis was understandable for the character, but having the monster walk her through it weakened it a bit. I did like that she rejected it in the end, however, even if that soon became a moot point. There’s some well-done gore in the next segment, and a perfect torment to inflict upon Fluttershy, but rather than focus on her emotional response, we have vague threats from the monster and a fade to black.

FaCes&EyEs immediately gave the impression of being a ponified “Tell-Tale Heart” with Derpy as the victim, and I hoped the story would bring something more to the table than just that. Unfortunately, despite a good flow, and being a very well-written imitation of Poe, it was nothing more than than and didn’t try to be any more than that. Some typos, likely Autocorrect mistakes, hurt it some more, though I may have overlooked them were the story’s obvious imitation not drawing me out of the tale.

Twilight’s Assistant is a continuation of “Fluttershy’s Angel”, making some bizarre character reveals before presenting us with a lengthy infodump that is quickly overwhelming. Having some more detail go into the possession in this chapter was good, but the events that followed happened far too quickly. Spike’s imminent doom is given very little time to build up, Fluttershy’s appearance was a sudden and severe shift in the tone, and what happens to Owlowiscious lacks the visceral impact of Angel Bunny’s end, while Twilight’s horror doesn’t have the emotional kick that Fluttershy’s did. All of this could be improved by simply giving us more time to experience all of these events, but the cliffhanger of Twilight starting to figure it out was a solid point.

The Gate is a Daring Do adventure, and the longest chapter thus far. The prose has definitely improved in this chapter, and it does a good job of giving the impression this is a pulp adventure novel, as well as having a few nice allusions sprinkled here and there. The descriptions are good and the story is flowing well, with no obvious errors, until we hit a jarring change in tone with a beheading. Afterwards, the previous problems with choppy prose resurface, and we have some decent action, followed by another gore scene that, while well-written, feels like more of the same from “Fluttershy’s Angel”. The subsequent scenes, however, do provide some new imagery, which ranges from the bizarre and almost absurd, to the creatively cruel and disgusting. Finally, we conclude with an “all just a dream” and some musings on the nature of nightmares, only to reverse it with the reappearance of our macguffin and monster, though personally I’d have left it at just the macguffin.

Trit Trot is, in short, the tale of Applebloom taking Diamond Tiara’s life in a fit of anger, her escalation into being a serial killer, and her eventual execution. The depiction of an Equestria much darker than we normally see is jarring, and many characters’ reactions seem far too muted for the events that take place. And I refer to a darker Equestria not merely in the events that take place (which I expect of this genre), but in the reactions to them - a death row already feels out of place in Equestria, never mind prison guards excited about the impending executions. We’re lacking much in the way of emotional response for the majority of the story. The only place where this isn’t true is with Applebloom herself as her execution approaches - everything she does, I can believe entirely, even if some of the things she visualizes make no sense to me.

Reality Is a Nightmare is based on a Youtube short, and doesn’t deviate very far from the original. It aims to conclude with a darker tone than the video did, but the writing style is very light on details, and unfortunately this results in a very confusing read. There are moments that were conveyed well - Rarity’s fright upon realizing that she was still hearing the noise even after she fixed what she believed was causing it, for example. But the majority of the tale needs just a bit more information to be clearer.

In Memorioums: Uncensored, a madpony talks to himself in the mirror. On the one hand, the disjointed and rambling tone does a good job establishing the tone and emphasizing his insanity, as does his frequent confusion about time and identity. On the other, typos are numerous and there is little actual substance to the story.

Magic is, thus far, the best thing in this entire anthology. I have the vague impression that there was a typo or grammatical mistake here or there, but for the life of me I couldn’t tell you where. The story flowed well, and more importantly, it held my curiosity. From the first paragraph, I had to know what the secret was, and it just kept building as things progressed. Even better, I couldn’t guess it. Even after Twilight returned from the teleport during the flashback, I wasn’t sure where it was going until the ritual began in earnest. The ritual is as dark as Twilight’s thoughts suggested, and casts Celestia in a truly horrific light - not only because she didn’t just condone but lead the ritual, but also because afterward the implications sink in and you realize how many times she’s done this and what that means about her power. The story cuts off just as a new ritual begins, and leaves me with too many questions and ideas to possibly list them all here. Out of the park on this one. A masterpiece if it were a stand-alone story.

Ripe Flesh (Part One) drops Twilight into a world made of meat - I’m reminded of the Meat Wall Dungeons in the .hack// games. The story on the whole is more disgusting than horrifying, from Twilight’s desperate attempts to eat the meat to her repeated vomiting, and it does little to make me stop and think. As well, there are numerous typos and misused words, and they stand out most in the earlier parts. We then have an appearance by a slightly crazed Dusk Shine - Twilight from a sex-changed universe - who has been trapped here even longer and is looking for a way out. Also, maybe it’s weird of me to kind of hope this turns into an AU self-ship, but then again maybe I just have an unhealthy love of Twilight Sparkle. The explanation about why they’re here is reasonable enough, but lacks the background support to give it punch - a few lines of Twilight’s inner thoughts could amend that. There’s a good shift in tone as we end here, though - Dusk Shine wants to go home and bets Twilight can help them pull it off, but I suspect Dusk may be crazier than he’s letting on, and not to be trusted. The slightly ominous tone is a nice cliffhanger to end it for now.

Philosophy has Blueblood seeking a wife. Forcibly. And he’s opted for Twilight Sparkle. Honestly, while there were no problems with the writing itself, placing Blueblood in this role seems very peculiar. The idea of somepony stalking, subduing, kidnapping, and brainwashing Twilight has excellent potential to be creepy. But instead of focusing on the growing tension, the entire time I’m distracted by the idea that it’s Blueblood of all ponies doing it. It would probably have played better with an OC or unknown character doing the deed.

Punctured Lollipops follows a depressed stallion who moved to Ponyville after hearing of it as the happiest place in Equestria, only for Pinkie Pie to go missing and the town losing all its cheer.The story is well-written enough, and does convey a sense of loss and washed-out apathy in its world. However, the plot itself is quite bizarre, with little in the way of explanations, and quickly becomes difficult to take seriously.

Mood
As an anthology, the mood could hardly be expected to remain consistent throughout. For each individual tale, however, mood was usually consistent. The only story where changes in mood or tone felt jarring was “Twilight’s Assistant”, though “The Gate” did hit a major bump with how sudden its first gore scene was.

Grammar
A few of the stories suffered greatly from spelling or grammar mistakes, with the biggest offenders being “Ripe Flesh” and “Memorioums”, but the majority had few enough errors that they could be easily ignored.

Style
The style of the pieces varies as widely as the moods, but a few are notable in how the writing either supports or undermines the story. “Fluttershy’s Angel” is weak at first due to the rough writing, but once it gets into its swing (roughly about when night falls) things improve greatly. The single greatest strength of “Memorioums” is how the style so effectively conveys a broken mind, while “Reality is a Nightmare” loses a lot of impact because it fails to convey what happens clearly.

Final Verdict
On the whole, a three out of five, though “Fluttershy’s Angel” could have reached a four as a stand-alone tale, and “Magic” easily a five.

Well this was sure helpful, thanks bunches.

2707878
For Magic-

Out of the park on this one. A masterpiece if it were a stand-alone story.

.. I have to give credit to FaleYur on this one. He did a excellent job editing. Though I did all the writing, it would have not been an easy read with out him. (He is on the staff to this group, and diserves much attention for his superb skills.)

As for memorioums, that story has a special place in my heart. I wrote it from personal experience, and experiences that I still have to this day.

Yet, I have to agree, I had fun writing 'The Gate' (Which has a second part of the story) and 'Punctured Lollipops' Yet, I have more pride in 'Magic' then what I have had for any other story, next to memorioums.

I would give a quick story to how the Idea came into bloom, but maybe another time.

Keep up the work! I am glad to have you as a Commentator.

I'm gonna read this! It sounds awesome!