Requiem of Darkness
By ChaosDragoon

Reviewed by Rinnaul

No matter how unpolished your writing, no matter how out of practice you are, no matter how bad the reviews, you should at least strive to be able to say to yourself: “At least I update more often than Ask Gaming Princess Luna.”

Also, I was going to take a few more jabs at that comic, but then decided that since I’m writing this up at 10 AM, I’ll share breakfast pics instead.

It was alright.

Review time.

Quick Recommendation: While not unsalvageable, the story is in need of a major overhaul, with attention given to multiple areas.

First thing I see is a very generic long description and a lack of cover image. For the former, The Abyss has a group that’s good for helping punch up weak descriptions. For the latter, cover art isn’t necessary, but is certainly helps draw people in. You don’t need to steal art off of derpibooru or commission something, either. I’ve gotten away with tangentially-related screen grabs from the show and even stock photos.

The next things I see is a dire need for editing. Words are misspelled and misused regularly — approaching one major error per paragraph — and the structure is all over the place. In the first few paragraphs, there’s a tendency to use too many clauses, and the sentence becomes awkward. Later on, entire scenes are nothing but strings of simple sentences, and it turns choppy. And then there are words that don’t even exist.

“You’re as beautiful as the night sky, if not beautifier.”

Obligatory.

There’s some characterization, too. Luna sounds off, but I’ll let that slide since her canon presence leaves so much room for interpretation. However, the way these authority figures argue is thoroughly childish, and I have trouble believing the princesses are so okay with Chrysalis being there in the first place. She attacked Equestria not so long ago. Twice, if you bring canon up to date, and three times if you count the comics.

I’m getting no feeling of tension over the attacks repeatedly referenced. There’s no description of the creatures — probably intentional on grounds of Nothing Is Scarier — but with no other indications of the threat they pose beyond “They attacked us”, they could be a horde of undead furbies wielding murderdildos for all I know. Show how dangerous they are. Maybe the dragon and Chrysalis are wounded; or there should have been a new griffon ambassador but he was killed, so the old one is taking up his former position again. Chrysalis could be snappy because she’s hiding her actual losses, rather than just cause she’s being a bitch. Something to indicate what the stakes are here.

“As you know” explanations aren’t the worst, but there are better ways. Start the characters off in the dark so they need to inform each other — the three races who have fought so far should have different experiences, and benefit from comparinginformation. The lampshade hanging afterward doesn’t really help anything.

And why shouldn’t the creatures be able to think? We haven’t been given any indication to the contrary.

The timing here feels silly, and just too convenient. The summit seems to take all of ten minutes, and five hours later all four armies are arranged at Ponyville. Five hours, really? That’s logistical efficiency that would impress the Cybermen (or Borg, or Cylons, or insert favorite alien cyborg race here), and just doesn’t seem possible. And, of course, —convenience!— the attack is just half an hour away.

I was going to question why the staging grounds is Ponyville, since canonically Ponyville is in central Equestria, but I think everyone knows the canon map is kind of dumb, so I’ll let that slide.

However, the question still remains how they knew it would be in Ponyville in particular. Equestria is pretty big.

Literally the only thing I could think of. Now, if only there were a Pony parody…

You’d be better off without these flashbacks. They’re too short to have anything of substance, are very telly, and clearly only serve to give the reader information you thought was important, but couldn’t come up with a better way to write it into the story.

And seriously. Twilight’s never held a weapon before in her life, and you’re starting her off with some kind of triple-bladed scythe. This should turn into a comedy where Twilight keeps almost slicing her own legs off because something like that would be unwieldy even in an expert’s hands, much less a newbie.

And this happened while reading:
Asilin: “Basketball-shaped heads?” Do they even have basketball?
Me: I don’t think so. I mean, they have balls. (Pause) Well. Stallions.
(She hits me)

Frankly, the description of these beings is not particularly intimidating. I honestly suggest you be much less specific. They need to have some form, yes, but the more detail you give, the less impact it will have. Better yet, make it clear that there’s a definite form, but the POV character (you seem to be using Twilight in a close third person limited) either can’t get a clear look or can’t comprehend it.

One of the creatures roared as it began to convulse before tendrils ripped out of its back. The tips of the tendrils formed into the shape of sickles. The tendrils shot towards a few of the changelings and pierced through their bodies. Some of the other creatures roared and convulsed as tendrils with sickle tips ripped out of their backs.

This is very repetitive, and it really needs more description. Honestly, if you want a good battle scene, you’re probably going to be picking up a Gore tag.

A Pegasus was hit by a beam and as the sky filled with smoke from the impact. A pearly white Pegasus skeleton fell from the smoke. The air forces where in a state of panic as they frantically tried to avoid the beams. Those who were caught in the beams of light suffered the same fate as the Pegasus. Their skin, muscles, tendons, and tissues were melted off their bones. Leaving nothing but a pearly white skeleton.

More close repetition, and again, sorry, but this description just lacks any impact. I admit I even laughed at the phrase “pearly white skeleton”. That’s not dramatic or horrific. It’s hitting “refuge in audacity” territory.

The POV changes a lot in Chapter 4. At first, I thought Drake was getting a chapter to himself, which still wouldn’t have been optimal (it’s been Twilight’s story so far — changing it now is disruptive), but this is just head-hopping. There’s no clear consistent voice or balance of perspectives for it to be omniscient.

With the unicorns taking the creatures in front of Drake. He was able to deal with the creatures on his back. He did a gator roll to crush those on his back. The unicorns pushed the creatures away from Drake as he stood on all fours.

Here, unlike earlier, the problem isn’t awkwardly complex sentences, but the opposite. There are so many simple sentences bunched together that it feels choppy and has no flow.

And seriously, these things can do anything. Shape shifting, spinning their claws and blades like drills, and now fusing. It’s honestly pretty silly after a while.

Gilda yelled as she pulled her spear from the creatures head.

Really, don’t throw in canon characters randomly where they don’t make sense. Gilda is a young athlete. What is she doing on a battlefield?

“I can’t use it,” Twilight said as she shook her head and added, “I’m much better with magic then physical weapons.”

I was wondering why she was even given a weapon, particularly something as over-the-top as that one. She’s a major threat just with energy blasts.

And that’s all there is of the story for now. Beyond the need for editing, and a rather rushed pace, it just feels like the author didn’t think a lot of things through.

Spelling and grammar problems, poor structure, plot/logic holes, and a rushed pace. This story

Needs Work.

Because I’ve finally gotten around to watching this show, and this music video made Ty Lee a favorite character for me before I even saw any of her episodes.

Thank you for the great review. I will take everything you said and apply it to making my story better. Thank you for taking the time to look at my story and give me advice as to how to make it better and keep the reader from having to reread specific sentences to keep the flow of the story smooth.

5853000
You're welcome.

And since I forgot to link it when I posted the review, here's Abyss's group. It's fairly inactive lately, but they're good for advice, particularly on how to get attention for your story.

5853058
Thank you for the link. I'll use both the resources you've provided me and the resources he group provides me