Hello folks. Minds Eye here with my first review in this group. And lucky me, I picked a good one.

The story is tagged Sad/Romance, but it will hold a broader appeal to anyone that enjoys stories along the lines of a folk tale or a myth. In fact, the description labels itself a legend for ponies to share before their annual harvest, called the Day of Reaping.

Given that this story is a legend, its cast is composed entirely of OCs. Three to be exact. First, we are introduced to the unicorn king, Jupiter. He loves nothing more than tending his garden comprised of various specimens collected from far away lands, the centerpiece of which is an enormous magical tree he planted as a colt. On his latest journey, he brought back a scorpion that names herself Antares. She comes to resent Jupiter for taking her away from her home, and she strikes a deal to take revenge with a jaded court mage, Star Light. She will become a mare, and find some way to take from Jupiter what he loves the most.

Antares is our protagonist, and she stands out as the most fascinating of the three. Her relationship with Jupiter creates a good deal of inner conflict about her vengeance, about what form it would take and even why she wants to take it in the first place. As the story’s years pass, as she bounces between her growing love with Jupiter in the day and returning to Star Light at night to renew the spell on her, her character becomes a tragic figure. Tangled up in her own web, she can’t escape her true nature. As the fable says, a scorpion must sting.

Jupiter and Star Light are both simple characters by comparison, but they complement the story perfectly well. Jupiter can be a clever stallion when he wants to be, and he plays the part of being torn between two loves rather well. Star Light is a crafty fellow. His own relationship with Antares is interesting in its own right. They have a give-and-take over time in their collusion until the cards fall in one’s favor. I believe the simplicity of these two works out to the story’s benefit, as their interactions with Antares help to underscore her changes without cluttering things up too much.

The plot itself almost has a timeless quality to it. I likened the story to a myth earlier, and that’s very much what it is. Love, betrayal, magic, and if you couldn’t guess from the cover art, the plot details the constellations featured and how the ponies associate them with the time of year right before the harvest. Remove the pony elements, change some of the contemporary dialogue such as “Okay” and “Shut up,” and this tale would not look out of place in a collection of mythology next to the stories of Orion and the like.

One tip I would give the author is to draw more attention to certain character traits before the plot revolves around them. Specifically, I’m referring to Jupiter’s whistling while he works in the third chapter. It was useful to build more inner turmoil in Antares after her relationship with Jupiter grows more strained, but the only other time I could find Jupiter whistling was back in Chapter One--years earlier in the characters’ lives. I had completely forgotten about it, so it all struck me as out of the blue. It was a good idea that could have been even better with a bit more set-up.

And a minor note about Antares: the first time the reader learns her name is in a dialogue tag.

“Why not?” Antares asked.

This comes in Chapter One before she names herself anywhere else. The context clues are there for us to figure out the scorpion is talking, but it would have been nice to name her beforehand. Or just change that line to she or the scorpion.

The quality of the writing was fairly good, with a few exceptions:

The first day of the harvest began early, without no time for contemplation or thought.

Double negative in Chapter Two.

She left the garden behind, walking straight on up into the castle.

Also in Chapter Two. You don’t need three prepositions for this.

Also, I recommend that the author think twice about their usage of commas in the future. There are a ton of them here, nearly to the point of distraction. It was almost a game for me to count up how many I could spot in a single sentence towards the end. I found a whopping seven here:

As the minutes ticked by, the Sun rose higher, catching more clouds in its shimmering light, and suddenly it was as if the whole sky had caught fire, bathed in prismatic reds, oranges, pinks, and yellows.

If you just rearrange a couple of the phrases in that sentence and change some of the words a bit:

The Sun rose higher as the minutes ticked by, and its shimmering light bathed more clouds until it was as if the whole sky was aflame in prismatic reds, oranges, pinks, and yellows.

Same details, but a little less cluttered. Commas are practically unavoidable when writing, but that doesn’t mean they belong everywhere.

One more example (spoilered because it’s towards the end of the story):

The spot at the centre of the garden remained bare, and every year, on the anniversary of the harvest, she would return, to remember it all again, and weep a few more tears for Jupiter.

Five commas in this one. Other than rearranging phrases again, you could simply delete the commas right before on and to. The sentence will carry the exact same message with three commas instead of five.

Overall, these issues were nowhere near enough to kill my enjoyment of this story. It was a pleasure to read from beginning to end, with an old fashioned charm to its plot and a compelling main character.

5370720 You have much to learn, young padawan. Your structure is basic but passable; you write well enough to pass as smart; your style is simple but also passable. I shall now bonk you on the head with the Knowledge Stick. Come, fly away with me as together we soar through the sky and shit on people who don't deserve it. But we're critics, so we're assholes.

Also, this is quite common among the site users, but I don't recommend you use double space. Those are used in books to save space. Using it on the internet isn't needed and can sometimes be distracting. So unless you're printing out a report, they're not need much.

5370868

I don't recommend you use double space. Those are used in books to save space.

Either you've got your double spaces and indents switched around, or you're trolling here.

5371003 Double spacing too. You'd be surprised. You double space on paper because it leaves room for the editors. If you have an editor that corrects by pen, he'll most likely leave a mark followed by a line indicating the error you made.

5371003 But I don't believe you're convinced either way.

5371025
While double spacing to leave room for editors actually does make plenty of sense to me, at least for the drafting process rather than the final product, double spacing does not save space, it creates more space.

5370868
Structure and style not make one great. So sayeth Master Yoda. Or something to that effect.

5371039 Excellent point.

5370720 Well, pretty good review, IMO.

5370720

Thanks so much for the kind words and effort!

I feel like I'm supposed to say that this story was some sort of "labour of love" where I really poured my heart onto the page, but in reality this was kind of a one-off that I just wrote because I felt like it. What's even stranger is that I generally do not like sad fics, yet somehow I managed to write a good one? It beats me.

Anyway, thanks again, and I wish the group all the best for the future! You guys are providing an excellent service to the community.

Sincerely,
cursedchords