She Looks so Perfect
By Miss Spectrum

Reviewed by Rinnaul

I’ve been awful about any of my projects lately.

Lost my job, so I feel like crap. Play video games to make myself feel better, then get frustrated with myself for wasting so much time on video games. So I play video games to make myself feel better, then…

But, there have been like a dozen new reviews in the group lately, and I risk losing my position as the most prolific reviewer, which would be awful.

So let’s see if we can push through this.

So, I normally pick the lower-rated stories, but in this case, I went for something short instead. So, have some SunLight romance.

Quick Recommendation: Not terrible, but severely hampered by poor grasp of the language and a lack of solid editing, as well as weak characterization and the events playing out rather bluntly.

It’s like these are drawn to me. I normally go for the lowest-rated fics, but the one time I grab a highly-rated, highly-viewed fic just because it’s short… Well, let’s say the rating system can be misleading.

Fortunately, I had a way to entertain myself as I read.

And all was well until we had to flee an approaching shoggoth.

I seriously considered making up a cutie mark for bad fanfiction, drawing it on my thigh in marker, and taking a picture of it for this, but I don’t think anyone needs to see a picture of me with my pants off.

Okay, to be fair, this is far from the worst I’ve ever reviewed. In contrast to racism, sexism, badly-done vore fetish, totally incomprehensible gibberish, and Crome, this barely even registers on the scale.

However, the comments indicate that the author is not a native English speaker, and that shows. More than anything else, this story is difficult to read due to awkward grammar and unnatural structure. Now, I never lay the blame fully on the author for translation difficulties when they aren’t a native speaker, but this still needs a better proofreader, or preferably, a full editor.

But Twilight just took me crazy!

I had not accepted to spend a night at her house just because I wanted to.

And Twilight could never be attracted to me, not to girls, but to Flash.

But Twilight never looked to lay eyes on me like that.

You know, she always comes with her five friends here, but you never come along.

This sort of awkwardness is present throughout the story, though the most glaring examples seem to be earlier in.

Also, this happens, in reference to AJ & Dash:

Among the six, these two are my partners for... Well, that sort of thing.

What sort of thing? Sexy things?

Not that I even remotely disapprove.

And I’m even particularly fond of SunDash as a ship. But the narrative is very unclear, and having the three of them be casual lovers seems very strange when the story tells us that each of them is pursuing another girl (the ships are SunLight, RariJack, and FlutterDash).

Anyway. As we go on, the characters are just kinda bland. Sunset’s entire personality is “I have a crush on Twilight”, Applejack’s entire personality is “I say ya’ll a lot” and Rainbow Dash’s entire personality is:

I looked at Rainbow playing in the field, she was very good and fast.

By the end, I don’t really have a feel for anyone beyond those simple roles. Even Twilight is kinda vaguely excitable and likes books, which doesn’t exactly conflict with the show’s presentation of her character, but it doesn’t exactly tell me anything new, either. Really, everyone just feels like they exist solely to present this ship as A Thing That Is Happening, even if the actual happening of it is rather telly and juvenile.

Honestly. Applejack and Sunset are apparently old enough to drink (unless you’re going to argue that miss Element of Honesty is going to break liquor laws), but none of the four with stated love interests are willing to tell each other about them, and once Sunset and Twilight finally open up to one another, they’re still keeping it hidden from their parents, because reasons.

Even the love confession feels forced and awkward. There’s almost no buildup, beyond Sunset fretting over her crush, and the final reveal is just Twilight awkwardly admitting she likes Sunset, Sunset awkwardly admitting the same, then declaring their love and making out.

Happy end.

Above all else, find a proofreader who won’t correct just your spelling, but one who will work on your grammar and structure, as well. Preferably, find a full editor, someone who can critique your plot as well as the mechanics of your writing.

Let Twilight and Sunset’s final scene play out longer. Give us more hints that Twilight likes her back, rather than just having her blurt it out after noticing that Sunset is behaving oddly.

You can’t establish character by just having characters talk about each other. We need to really see how they behave and how they think. The latter is only directly possible for Sunset because she’s the viewpoint character, but for others, the key is to use their actions to suggest their thoughts.

There are other things I could point out, but most of them I can’t be sure whether it’s a plot/character problem, or me failing to understand something thanks to the weak language.

Despite the grammar/structure problems, weak characterization, and awkward narrative, this is salvageable. However, as it stands it still

Needs Work.

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I thank you, our brave man.