Welp, new style of reviewing! Instead of finishing the entire thing, I'm going to make this my on-going review! I got permission to do this style of review to actually bring discussion in. I thought it would be nice to give the author a bit of recognition and... to make this a lot more easier on me. My schedule has gotten to the point where I'm not even able to write often. Being a dual major with eighteen credit hours isn't a good idea. Not much time to do anything. So, I'm going to try and get this story done. I promised the author that, so here we go!

Before I post this, I'm going to let you know that the first chapter was reviewed a long while ago. I haven't been able to touch it due to recent projects plus my college issues, so I'm going to post that one first while I format the second chapter. Hope Zodiacspear, the wonderful author who wrote this piece, enjoys it. =]

Disclaimer: Rating will be given when the commentary is done and the overall review is complete.

Positives of Chapter One
-Characterization is fairly decent. It's not too dodgy and I'm not really out of the loop in terms of who is who.
-Villain in this chapter isn't someone I would expect. How this is a positive? Well, it's fresh, creative, and brings in something to make our protagonists squirm. It's an entirely different canon just waiting to be explored.
-Writing is eye-grabbing. Each transition flowed seamlessly.

Negatives of Chapter One
-Remember when I said the characterization was fairly decent? Here's why the word "fairly" was added in. Each character is not fully established until a certain word count, which wouldn't be a problem if they weren't so confusing to identify during the first three to four hundred words. We don't get a clear look at who is who until a certain word count.

Here are the word counts to let you know:
Tourmaline: 670
Tormod: ~800 (it's in-between 795-803)
Wanderer: - 3,287

Now why am I saying Wanderer isn't clearly identified? Well, according to the word usage (which I found to be one of your major problems in terms of writing), Wanderer's cutie mark is left to be speculated because of the phrase "might have been". This is telling me that:

1. The cutie mark is not really as it seems.
2. It's probably not a spyglass.

However, the spyglass returns when you are describing the villain's appearance, which reaffirms the reader that his cutie mark is, in fact, a spyglass.
It's a bit misleading, so make sure the writing isn't hiding things that you don't want to hide.

Now, I'm not finished with the characterization. Overall, they are very nicely thought out, however, Tormod and Tourmaline are way too closely related in name for me to differentiate who is who. At this very moment, I had to reread the chapter twice because I was confused by the names. They are easily mixed up because they both start with the letter t, and they both have similar letters in similar spots. With their names being like this, readers like me would easily mix up their identities. However, the thing that did save you from making me horribly confused is that you established that Tormod is a unicorn, and Tourmaline is a pegasus. So instead of me thinking of them by their names, I thought of them by their pony types.

TL;DR: The character's names are easy to mix up.

Two other tidbits in terms of character and scenes for this chapter that just made me flat out confused (might be fixed in the next chapter, so I may highlight them later if it is established later on):

1. Tourmaline starts out as sassy and almost like a tsundere that isn't in love and what not, yet she does a complete one-eighty and changes her way of responding? It caught me off guard when she defended Wanderer's claim as she did. It's not bad per se, but it did catch me off guard. Yet again, this could be part of her character. We'll have to see if this flip is consistent throughout the story.
2. Tourmaline's wing inhibits her ability to fly, so how the heck was she able to fly out of the temple?
3. Tourmaline asks who has mid watch, and the rules are that whoever gets closest number gets mid watch (from how the dialogue is shown, this is what we see), however, Wanderer says he gets mid watch when he obviously lost? That is a confusing scene in general.

-Word/Grammar derps. I'm just going to highlight a few of them for you (going to keep some for the full review ;)

She quietly considered her tasks for the day: an envoy from the Crystal Empire was expected this day carrying news from Princess Cadance, as well as new trade agreements from the their merchants, and she also expected a report from her favored student.

That "the" doesn't need to be there.

He was a stallion, two hands taller than Wanderer.

Unless these ponies suddenly turned anthro, I don't think they have hands. They had heads, though.

Tormod waited a moment more before following them inside.

Inside the temple they found a large central room with a pedestal in the middle of the room; ringed by rows of low stone benches.

Remember, same words in same places doesn't help my brain convey the same meaning. In short, word usage here needs to be varied.

“—Though I’m sure whoever finds us in this forgotten jungle can happily read about the flora we’ve see,

Should be "seen".

In all honesty, this error is hard to find because of the contraction "we've" (we have). Sometimes contractions can make sentences harder to read, which is why I am tending to stay away from using them so readers get a full understanding of the sentence. Why am I mentioning this?

“We’ve maybe an hour left before dusk.

Because you use them in an awkward fashion. A more simpler way of putting this could be:

"We have about an hour left before dusk."

This makes it more certain that he knows that its in the range of an hour. With how you stated it, we have maybe an hour left? He's fairly uncertain that what he's reading is even an hour. >_<

-Vagueness. Yikes, this one blurb made me want to mention this.

He had led them through other adventures with nothing more than a gut feeling and a strong will.

I don't like vagueness. I want to see the establishment, I want to learn of the establishment of behaviors. So telling me "other adventures" led these two to believe that he is empowering tells me there are two possibilities...

1. The other adventures weren't established at the time of this novel.
2. The author did have them established, but he wants to lead the audience to read more of the story to find out (because they might be hidden in the story, right?).

Honestly, I would avoid being vague like this when you're starting out a story, so we get the full gist of who your character is and why he is such a role model to look up to.

So yeah, that's what I think about the first chapter so far. I might've left some stuff out, but if I find more, I'll surely add it to the review. I didn't.

Onto chapter two! =]

Disclaimer: The rest of the commentary/review will not be in this format. My style changed in fourteen weeks. :D

Disclaimer: This style will remain throughout the rest of the commentary/review. I hope this is entertaining, and I hope I don't offend anyone. It's a weird style, but I love it to death.

Welcome to the second chapter! The last one had a lot of promising hopes, with only a few minor grammatical errors and slight content woopsies, but that can be excused, like when the head of the Financial Aid department decides to miscalculate payments and scoot two hundred dollars in unexplained fees. No matter, let’s slide into the introduction (or transition from the closure of one), where we are brought to…

Princess Twilight Sparkle?

A few months after her coronation, Princess Twilight Sparkle sat quietly in her library in Ponyville, engrossed in a book she was reading. Her day started just like any other, she had stayed up late studying and woke early to study more.

Despite becoming a princess of Equestria, little had truly changed in her life. Her new wings and other ponies genuflecting to her were about all that was new.

An interesting viewpoint, I should say. Now we’re getting into the main characters that we know from the show. However, I highlighted this… woopsie? It’s not a normal one either. Take good care of how this introduction has been worded, because it isn't just the bolded section that I'm worried about.

First we’re getting the actions of Twilight, which isn't bad if it wasn't for the exposition that pointlessly elaborates on said action. However, I do get it: the story is introducing the character to ensure understanding, but if that were the case, would it be better to introduce the exposition first rather than the action? Let's take a peek as to what I mean. Here are the original opening lines:

A few months after her coronation, Princess Twilight Sparkle sat quietly in her library in Ponyville, engrossed in a book she was reading. Her day started just like any other, she had stayed up late studying and woke early to study more.

Now take the first sentence and blend it with the second one. You could've gotten something like this:

Princess Twilight Sparkle's day was just like any other: sitting quietly in her library, head buried in a book she had stayed up late studying but decided to wake up early to learn more about it. She had been dying to read the book long before she even received it, but with the coronation having clouded her mind a few months prior, and all the other adventures her friends went on, her time set aside to read the book had been buried with all her other favorite reads.

I mean, grant it I did add some things, but I kept most (if not all) the content from the original lines. As you can see, by adding the exposition first, you can mesh it with some description of the surroundings. Meshing allows fluidity and a bit more depth that readers (including me) won't grasp on the first glance. Once fully realized, it would (as shown by the example) possibly give more character to the one being introduced.

Well, that and the second reason, which is why I bolded the two certain sections in full. The second section first sentence should be changed or omitted on the basis that the two sentences (it, and the last sentence of the first section) are similar in content, but reworded to try and mask the faulty transition. It's more of a similar view, which can happen when trying to transition from one idea to another. In order to fix this dilemma, there needs to be a direction given to that particular section, so we can try and contrast the two realities. To clarify, the first realty is that Twilight Sparkle is still adjusting to her wings and behaviors given to her by other ponies (which can be debated in terms of the wings bit, but that's for others who want to discuss that), and the second reality is the way the story depicts the triggering of the contrast.

Compare and contrasting between two qualities of a character (while using a transition to another scene to progress the plot) could go something like this:

Green had walked onto a platform. The platform was large, and on that sheet of steel lay a puppy, curled into a ball while whimpering softly to the sounds of a squeaky door slowly moving by the gentle sway of the wind. It was nearly time to rain Green had assumed, since Green spotted the grey, ominous clouds rolling in from the thunderous rage up north. Green didn't like storms; he feared them ever since he was a child.

Although fearing little rain drops and dancing strikes of lightning were part of his worries, the most stressful one of all was getting to his meeting. His boss needed him to be at work every morning at nine, when the crow perched on the tree outside the store crows. Unlike that damned door which annoyingly squeaks when the wind merely swooshes on by, the crow wasn't a distraction. However, walking down the steel avenue, eyes solely now on the road--that door--distractions! Time was of the essence! Green had to get to his meeting or else the crow would sound its call, and the boss would be angry at him. If he had to face his fears and annoyances, then so be it.

You, Zodiac, did use the transition idea of correlating one of the topics to the other, but instead of giving a new action or quality to mesh those sentences together, you separated them, which made the second sentence of that paragraph awkward to read. Try to blend them together. =]

It was early morning and she was almost finished with her book when she heard footsteps from the stairwell.

Some redundancy. You already mentioned it was morning with how Twilight acted. The only thing thing that distinguishes the early mentioning of the morning to now is that you brought the adjective "early" in.

Twilight herself could go with minimal amounts of sleep and awake feeling refreshed, something the young dragon grumbled about frequently.

Awkward introduction of this sentence. Mind if I give a suggestion? How about using a transitional phrase:

"Unlike Spike, Twilight could go with minimal amounts of sleep and awake feeling refreshed..."

Seems like it flows better, doesn't it?

He muttered something, still rubbing at his eyes.

Comma splice! *Zaps*

Plus, the line doesn't fit with how the other sentences flow. It's like a jagged blade, except once you use the blade to hit a brick wall, it becomes as useless as a Puritan's declaration to make gun-ho remarks about visibility.

Sorry, I read a book about Puritans recently, so my head is full of jokes about them. Also, I haven't heard of someone using a blade to hit a brick wall. If someone has, then good on them!

“Thank you, Spike, you really are the number one assistant.”

my*

Also, this line is so cliché now that whenever I see it, I twitch suddenly. Anyone have a remedy for that? I don't like to twitch, except when I want to watch a stream.

She rubbed at his head spines affectionately.

Head spines? Hmm...

I mean, I know what you mean, but that sounds weird to read. However, it's not too important, but I thought it was something to point out. Never really heard of that phrase until now.

They both shared a laugh and not long afterwards the two were moving onto their tasks.

Mind elaborating on "tasks"? Pretty vague to what you transition into, which is a well-written transition.

After they talk about some events and whatnot (Twilight's lackluster ability to fly, and Spike's instinct of knowing when Twilight has made a checklist), we move to Fluttershy, who--

Later on that day, the two of them found Fluttershy waiting for them at the local eatery.

Why? Suddenly, we're now going to go eat again, except with another friend. The introductory clause is the factor that saves this sentence, but man, more variation please?

Also, why "local eatery"? The phrase is vague and needs more elaboration for me to get a better vision of the environment. For all I know, they could be eating at Sugarcube Corner, or Ditzy's Fine Muffin Bazaar. Well, if that existed. That would be a sweet place, though, wouldn't it? Variety store for muffins and other baked goods. Fuck yes. More competition for Pinkie and the Cakes to deal with.

>Giving story ideas to people is something I do way too often.

"What's the occasion?" Spike asked as he sat at the table and grabbed a menu.

Fluttershy pawed at the dirt for a second. "Oh... uh, nothing really. I just... wanted to have lunch with friends."

Twilight tilted her head at her friend, frowning softly as the pegasus refused to look at her directly. "Fluttershy... what's wrong?"

Fluttershy's eyes widened a bit and she tried to hide behind her bangs. "N-Nothing's wrong, I just wanted to have lunch. That's all."

Um... overly explaining oneself? Usually if Fluttershy is pinned, she wouldn't reiterate what she said twice. Maybe a whimper instead of another long winded response would work better at Fluttershy's second reply? You know, for variation?

I like that.

“There you are! Slacker!” They heard a shout from above.

First, you have two spaces before the word "slacker". Secondly, wow, Rainbow Dash, you're being an ass.

Calling Twilight a slacker might be a bit too much there, author. However, I do agree, she is quite the slacker when it's not book-related.

Dang it, Twilight.

A rainbow blur landed beside them, eyes glowing in apparent outrage. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you, Twilight,” Rainbow Dash said as she brushed her hair out of her eyes. “I’ve something to show you.”

Wait, so she's angry because Twilight isn't around to be shown something?

Uh...

Okay? Well, that other something is a lesson, which makes me wonder. Why is Rainbow Dash angry at Twilight for not being able to show Twilight her next lesson? The... wat?

It's interesting, but out of place. That's all I can really say about that.

“No, no,… well sometimes. You’ve had some pretty crazy crashes before, but no, that’s not it. Come on you three, you’ve got to see this.”
“M-m-me too?” Fluttershy asked, nervously.
“Yes, you too Fluttershy. Come on, we’re wasting time.” The cyan pegasus said, pushing them along the road.

No, she's talking about the other Fluttershy quivering in fear behind you.

Well, the scene breaks here, and transitions into the next section. Well, hopefully no more eating, right? That would be a great idea.

Despite insisting that she could walk on her own, Twilight found herself pushed towards the local watering hole.

So... not to be a bit of a stickler (since it's sort of my "job" to do that), but why mention local? They're still in Ponyville. You could of said without having another sentence to say it that they are at Ponyville's lake, but instead...

Despite insisting that she could walk on her own, Twilight found herself pushed towards the local watering hole. It was a popular place for the residents of Ponyville to cool off from the summer’s heat.

You chose unnecessary redundancy. It's fine, it's fine. Just... be careful. You could do better by simply blending the sentences together.

From her viewpoint she could see it was a large slide and that there was a fast-moving, pink blur near its base.

Unless Twilight or the Narrator suddenly lives in Southern Illinois, where people say, "That there tractor be fine!", you might want remove the "that" in that there sentence. Yes, I can make fun of Southern Illinois, because I love that place. Too bad I get mixed up when someone says worsh instead of wash.

Welp, after this error, the scene breaks again. For some reason the scene was necessary for build-up purposes only, which I find it a little awkward. On one side of the coin, the build-up is necessary to bring surprise to the viewer, however the negative about it is that the whole scene is word filler. You could do without this entire scene, and still understand what's going to happen.

Best of both worlds, don'tcha think?

“Afternoon, Twilight, Fluttershy, Spike, ‘bout time ya got here. What kept ya, RD?” Applejack asked as they approached.

Where the hell was he this entire time? In my head, I'm envisioning Fluttershy and Twilight being shoved by RD, while Spike was just tagging along while rolling his eyes. After realizing that I missed the word "three" before RD shoved them out of the restaurant, I now wonder how RD is able to shove two ponies and a dragon that basically double (or more than double) her weight. This makes me believe that RD is a super strong pony that can shove an entire herd of ponies. A bit unrealistic in canon, but kind of necessary in practice. You know, like Doctors, but Who knows, right?

Screw me and my puns.

“These slackers were trying to hide out at one of the restaurants.”

Rainbow... stop. Please. They're not slackers. Just food, right?

As Applejack set the hose in its designated place, she called down to Twilight, “Can ya put that other hose in the lake, Twi?”

“Of course,” she said, using her magic to levitate the other hose over the lake before dropping it.

Why? In the show, the damn thing is never empty. Unless I'm missing a piece of information, like Ponyville being in a sudden drought or something, then why would she overfill a lake?

“All right!” Rainbow Dash cheered, giving Applejack a high-hoof.

Two points for the author. One for Applejack, and two for being creative and calling it a "high-hoof" instead of a hoof bump. Whenever I see hoof bump, I think of a disease. Yikes.

Twilight looked at the water slide with a smile, amazed her friends put together such a thing.

Because water slides are more amazing than saving an entire empire from a crazy dude with a horn that needs a major fixing?

Right.

However, on a hot day, water slides trump crazy crystal-craving ponies.

Good on ya, Twilight.

“Where did Apple Bloom and her friends find the pump?” She, unable to resist, asked Applejack.

“Who knows where they get half the things they get. It’s one’a them things where yer better off not askin’.” The orange mare shrugged.

Okay... so we have another orange mare in the story? Oh wait, nevermind, that's Applejack.

Be careful with this type of vagueness. Sometimes you can confuse a reader more quickly by trying to use variation then to not. Plus, the italicized section, which was attached to what Twilight said, is naturally confusing, which is what led to the author using the vague phrase "the orange mare". Instead of using an indirect reference, use a direct reference with dialogue tags. Par exemple, pour toi écrit la description dans cette scène--Suddenly, I jumped languages. Oops. For example, if you write a description in a scene like this, you will get a bit more of an understanding of what's going on. You know, meshing?

"Where did Apple Bloom and her friends find the pump?" Twilight asked with a punctual brow raise.

"Who knows where they get half the things they get," Applejack began, shrugging. "It's one of them things where yer better off not askin'."

Meshes quite well, doesn't it?

With a high pitched “Whee!” she slid down the slide. She flew over the lake and splashed down with an impressive cannonball. The resulting wave soaked everypony standing near the lake, including an unaware Rarity.

Hmm... This section sounds very monotone. It sounds more like you're listing the events rather than giving us an immersive scene to really dive into ourselves. We want to slide down the slide too! However, you don't need to go extremely in-depth. Rather, all you, the author, need to do is take the sentences and mesh them together. Give them a certain flow instead of leaving a dull representation behind.

“P-Pinkie Pie! My-my hair!” she declared in a tragic tone.

That line triggered me. Sorry, flashbacks to a season I forgot about.

She did a few midair flips before splashing down with a loud. “Yeeeaaah!”

The period should be a comma.

“Yeah! That’s how it’s done!” the cyan pegasus cheered from the water’s surface. Her friends all cheered as well. That was when Rainbow looked Twilight’s way.

Um... except for Rarity!

She definitely hates the water.

Well, after all these shenanigans, we finally get to the purpose of this scene: the lesson. Rainbow Dash had dived from above by using her wings, but then slowly glided over the lake to lose most of her speed and do loopy-de-loops, before finally making a splash.

Silly Dash, tricks are for k--divers! Yes, divers. Olympic and professional ones.

Jokes aside, the lesson is for Twilight to do the same type of dive. Instead of jumping from a platform to let gravity do the work, she would have to fly up and then descend.

Simple, yet a bit of a problem for Twilight. Wings + crashing = inevitable.

Or she'll--

She hit the slide and sailed out over the lake… and beyond.

Be like Buzz Lightyear! To infinity and bey--

With a panicked scream, Twilight tried using her wings to stop herself, but it was not enough to keep her from crashing into a tree.

Nevermind. I predicted that so well that she even hit a tree, a place so sacred to Rainbow Dash that she--doesn't say a word about that. Good thing too, otherwise she'll be more loyal to those trees than Twilight.

Gotta pick your loyalties.

The girls and dragon all shared a laugh and enjoyed the rest of the day at the lake. That was until Spike gave a sudden belch of flame. The flames turned into a rolled up parchment that bore the royal seal.

"A letter from the Princess?" Applejack asked as she donned her hat again.

Twilight nodded as she took the parchment in her magic. "Thank you, Spike." Her eyes scanned the page before she gasped.

"Uh oh, what is it this time?" Rainbow grumbled, crossing her arms in an annoyed huff.

Oh, that's why this is entirely relevant to the plot. Sudden letter from the Princess trope inbound.

Trope aside, it's a truthful way to break off the scene, so I and hopefully others will let it slide.

That same day, Princess Celestia quietly sat out on the balcony overlooking the city of Canterlot. The last she heard from her sister was a few weeks ago, saying that Luna’s expedition had found the temple and to expect her home soon.

The expedition were those three ponies? Oi. Not a bad squad, but those names... Oh those names.

Wait, where the hell has Luna been?

It had been months since she had felt his resurgence, but after that initial touch, there had been nothing else.

Oh... pppffttt!
Three things happened:
1. Gutter.
2. The possibility that the Princesses can feel their enemy's existence through different means that I hopefully will never see or know (farting would be funny, though, wouldn't it? ["I sense a disturbance in the force... And it smells like evil, also known as Luna's crap."]).
3. A drive-by rapist suddenly popped into my head for a moment, but that horrid image was dashed when the awkwardness of a guy's wang hanging out of a window flopping in the breeze killed my laughter with disgusting rue for those who like "dicking around".

You killed me with that sentence, yet I loved every second of it.

It almost seemed as if he had disappeared as quickly as he had come.

My maturity knows no bounds.

Had it been Luna alone, she could have been to the temple and back within a few short weeks, but with the extra protection—

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

What? Lenny just wanted to let you know that was a perfect innuendo!

She was jarred out of her thoughts by the sound of a horn being blow by the city gates, signaling the return of Luna and her expedition.

Blow should be blown.

She quietly hoped that news would be good, and her fears unfounded.

Okay, I'm confused. Why say unfounded? It sounds so... hard to grasp. I'm having a hard time just understanding the difference between well-founded and unfounded. After a few minutes of contemplating, I finally understood the distinction, but it's not too clear until you realize that unfounded in this context is that her fears are not what they are. She hopes that nothing went wrong. Why word it like this? Seems so backwards to write it with a complicated tone. This desperately needs fixing to make sure readers understand clearly what you're saying.

After the scene of Celestia's amusing commentary about Luna's expedition to that temple and her worry about the kingdom, we move to the throne room, where Celestia and Luna meet to talk about the results of the expedition:

She did not have to wait long as Luna made her way directly to the throne room. When she arrived, Celestia saw she was followed by a pair of guard ponies pulling a canvas covered wagon and also accompanied by a worn-looking blue-green pegasus with a three-coin cutie mark. Celestia looked over the pegasus concernedly before her eyes looked over the wagon.

Um... Holy SH--EEP. Where do I start?

First, content. Yay! Tourmaline survived! The one that's the chick, not Tormod, the one that's the dude. The two T names. Ya.

Second, grammar/syntax/holy sheep. The first error I found was related to how you describe her coming into the throne room. It's irrelevant whether she came in directly or indirectly. I mean, how does the indirect way of entering a room work? Talking to a maid? Hiding behind a cake? Are those choices considered indirect? I would just remove the word directly and change the word "to" into "into".

Intoception.

The second error relates to the idea of combined adjectives. You know, like well-written, or as the author had in the story, well-founded. Here, canvas-covered would make sense because it identifies the wagon in one fluid motion rather than seeing that weird space in-between.

The third error relates to how you introduced the second half of Luna's entourage (Tourmaline). Even if you remove the word "also" (why it was bolded was due to it being unnecessary), the second half of the sentence falls off into awkwardness valley. This is the time when you need to either separate the sentence into two sentences, or attempt to rehash the sentence into one uniform idea. The fastest way to doing this is separating the sentences, because you can incorporate more movement into the scene, while keeping the surprise of Celestia intact. I'll leave this to you, author, since my suggestions would take at least two pages for reasoning purposes.

That's a lot of pages.

The point of the bold word is that "also" should never be there, since two transitional words (conjunctions) should not be next to each other.

The final error in the section was the fact that you used the same phrase twice. The usage of "looked over" isn't proper since there are so many other words you can use. For starters, the first appearance of the phrase could be changed by switching "over" to "at". Why would she be looking over her? Wouldn't the Princess (let alone anyone) look at the person or thing they are concerned about? Eye contact is a must in these situations. It allows the one who is being allowed in (as a foreign person) a comfortable sense of ease, either that or an uncomfortable sense of anxiousness, where one asks to go straight to the bathroom without a moment's notice.

Unlike the first section, the second appearance of the phrase "looked over" could be completely replaced with the word "inspected". She's curious about what the heck is in the wagon, right? So why wouldn't she inspect it? See what it's about?

I mean, it's obvious: wheels + objects in wagon (concealed by cloth [if there is any]) = curiosity. Easy formula.

So, that seems to finish that little section. Let's move on to the rest of the scene.

The conversation in the throne room starts with Luna saying that they have a problem. Not like Houston, but similar in direness. Through the conversation, we are told of many things, including...

1. Tourmaline is, in fact, a pretty name.
2. Tormod is fucked.
3. Wanderer really needs to get a better coat color. " His coat was a dark purple, almost black" is pretty close to a black, hopefully not red later on, OC. Bad for a villain colorization, and usually a messy situation in practice.
4. Celestia, apparently, is amazed that another being can turn someone else into stone. She thought she had dibs on that spell or something?

Moving on to greener pastures, we return to the throne room, where Celestia decides, since my sister can't break Tormod's stone prison, I might as well give it a shot! So, she does it, and finds out the one who is behind it by simply feeling the aura.

It was a magical aura that she would never forget.

The one that touched her, right? You know, the maturity-breaking one?

But all is a loss, as she is unable to break Tormod from his stone age prison. Alas, poor Tormod.

After they come to that conclusion, Celestia tells Tourmaline that she and her brother are staying at the castle in guest rooms in hopes of finding a cure for her brother. Then, once Tourmaline is out of the sisters' viewing, the two discuss the issue more. Thus the "I should have forseen this" and "No one can be blamed for the villain's return" triggers are placed. Also they discuss what they should do about the guy, but does nothing except "we must prepare until he strikes", which reminds me of a certain nation that does the same thing, except the villain is the economy, and the protagonist is that awkward stock broker whose waiting for his valued stock to go up instead of plummeting down.

“We will have to warn Princess Cadence and Princess Twilight, and advise her friends to have the Elements of Harmony at the ready. We will also have to inform Discord; he might be able to provide more information we can use.”

Oh, don't forget the other ponies too! Plus Discord, since chaos (and once evil being) fights other evil beings. We saw how much that worked, right?

Disclaimer: at the time this story was written, Discord and Tirek wasn't a thing. Just fyi.

Luna winced at the thought; even if Discord offered information, she could only hope it would make at least a sliver of sense.

The author uses common sense. Thank you. Have another point for logic.

Well, we've broken into the final section of the chapter. This one... is really hard to grasp because now we're with the Changelings. Right. Let's get into it.

So the Changelings (with Chrysalis) are trapped in a prison, where music plays on repeat and then scratches to annoy those who are listening to it. Sounds familiar? I guess Hasbro stole it from Zodiac or something.

Well, if only I didn't expect the next plot twist, this would've been great.

Out comes Mr. Wanderer, or that dude with the, as Chrysalis puts it, the "annoying costume". I'd rather jump in with the dark purple (but closely related to black) coat color than that, but... she's got a point. Who the hell has a singing costume? Are you serious?

That drives me nuts just thinking about it.

Anywho, just wanted to put this out:

She and her minions tried in vain to not only dig themselves out, but also o solve the riddle of the enchanted costume that blocked the only exit from their prison.

The letter "T" died.

Anyway, I like this chapter overall, but I really didn't like a lot of the filler. Some content didn't make much sense, but that was because there wasn't any need for it, there wasn't a lot of information to understand the purpose of the scenes in full, or words decided to change the environment I was viewing momentarily. I hope the errors I pointed out will be considered, and I hope that the rest of the story gets more and more interesting. I hope to find out if Tormod (the dude) gets out of the stone age, and Celestia and Luna would someday use the force to not feel their enemy's up.

Thanks for reading this chapter's review!

All right, interesting take on the review so far. I am enjoying the layout and the detail you have put into this review. Rest assured that many of the glaring mistakes will be corrected.

The whole costume thing with the changelings, I want to point out that it is tying in the IDW comics. The 'singing costume' is the one Pinkie had on their adventure and was seen guarding the door to the changeling's prison. The villain is not wearing the costume...

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The villain is not wearing the costume...

Well that does make sense. Maybe we should relocate those singing costumes to Broadway? I bet you it would make Broadway ten times better to view. Either that or Broadway would become a comedy act.

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to make this a lot more easier on me.

I'd say you've put way more work into this than any of my reviews.

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I'm very elaborate when it comes to reviewing people's stories. It's just something I love doing.

Well, chapter three. Boys and girls and all who inhabit the Earth, we're now going to read more. Yay! =]

Starting off is Chrysalis and her changelings, where Mr. Wanderer and his overly confident self talk about their current predicament. Well, not Wanderer's, but more of the imprisonment of the Changelings.

Right off the bat, though, I see a very blatant moment of "wat"?

Remembering who she was, she finally answered his question, “Just who are you to demand anything of me?”

Suddenly, music = brain damage. She couldn't remember that she was a Queen of all these other bug-like creatures. Right.

His smirk widened only slightly. “Who I am is not important at this moment,

No, that sounds pretty important. I mean, Chrysalis should be all in your grill right now, but here, she's really lax. Something I didn't expect of her.

but what I have to offer you and your—” He paused a moment to glance at the collected changelings. “—brood.”

They crave love and rough sex. If you don't offer either, then you're fucked, Villainous Wanderer.

now that the annoying costume is gone

So an annoying costume was the entire issue? Crap! That thing was probably constructed by Rarity to get revenge on her friends for dunking her in the dreaded lake! Only Wanderer decided it would be a great way to torture love-craving bugs so he could get free sex and tabloids on Changeling orgasms.

Or he just wants to fuck with them. It's probably this option.

Before Chrysalis or her changelings could move, the stallion’s eyes flashed and a solid wall of amethyst appeared at the doorway. The one changeling to touch it was thrown across the room.

Suddenly, Matrix Reloaded.

“You will find that impossible to pass through,” he said in the same passive tone. “If you so wish it. I can restore the automaton, and see to it that it becomes truly indestructible.”

First, the bold section isn't an error, but more of me wanting to point out the "no shit" in the line. Changeling flies across the room = ya, it's passable. Villains love pointing out the obvious, don't they?

Unlike the first section, the italicized section is full of errors. It may be because of how its organized, but something is definitely wrong with what he said. If this was a continuation of the first sentence (meaning that the segment "You will find that impossible to pass through" would be only finished once the second half "if you so wish it" is ending with a period), then that period needs to be a comma. Also, the word "if" should be lowercase, since it's not a new thought, but a continuation of that previous thought.

Now, if it wasn't part of that previous thought, then the period is still a period, the word if would still be capitalized, but the period after "it" would be changed to a comma, since it opens the next thought. Also, it transitions from one thought to the next seamlessly, except with no Rarity harking about her little sister ruining some her dresses, or how she can't find that baby daddy she wants so much. Ice cream, anyone?

That isn't the only error, mind you. The phrase, "and see to it that it" is so cloggy that even a plumber would want you to fix that metaphorical pipe. Instead, it should read more like this:

"...restore the automaton to see that it will truly become indestructible."

Follow that with an evil, snarky smirk and you got yourself a villain with some class.

“Now that the foolishness is done, are you willing to hear my offer?”

Villain is one impatient child.

I offer you and your changelings freedom from your imprisonment and a small kingdom of your own.

So... a kingdom within a kingdom? Villain, that's not how that works! Actually, that wouldn't work, since Chyrsalis is more possessive and rowdy (for love, mostly) than any other villain in the show. You might as well keep her for the loving and rule beside her, since to some, she's like a trophy waifu.

All you need to do in return is to swear fealty to me and follow my orders to the letter.”

Author, you made it sound like you used a thesaurus there to dodge the word "allegiance". Just use basic words, they help understand what you're saying. Plus, it won't make me, as an English major, cringe when someone uses a thesaurus again.

A fool who still favors spoken oath as some sort of binding agreement, it was almost laughable. Still, if this stallion succeeded she and her kin would be free and with a kingdom of their own; if not, they would still be free.

First off, define free? Second, I already pointed out that the kingdom logic doesn't make sense. He's luring you into being like slaves on a plantation. He's the slave owner, and you're the slaves.

Something in his expression made her suddenly feel ill at ease.

Contradiction. Take off "at ease".

“But first, I require your oath and information.”

I also require of your license and registration at the next window.

“No matter, the world will soon know my name once more. All will tremble at my coming.”

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Lenny is waiting for the climax.

So the entire section was them talking about Chrysalis and the Changelings' fate. Of course, now they're being bribed to go and take on Celestia and Equestria again. Man, the changeling life is rough.

Moving along, we take our perspective elsewhere, with those Elements getting off a train. Seems legit. All they have to do is get to the castle. Simple enough.

However... the introducing of them getting off the train is awkward.

It was the day after their day at the watering hole that Twilight and her friends stepped off the train at Canterlot Train Station.

Firstly, there could've been multiple ways to interpret this section. They either had been on a train for an entire day, or they went home, slept on the fact that the entire kingdom might be shitting themselves, woke up in a stressed out appearance (hairs on end and curled in every direction, circles around their eyes, upset tones of voice), and hopped on the train to get there as fast as they could before they pulled each other's manes out. Not sure which is true.

Also, why on a train? They could've been teleported there by Twilight, you know, because she's the strongest magic being alive?

Lastly, why mention the watering hole? Could've been straight forward and said "lake". Either that or rewrite the sentence to say:

"It was the day after Twilight received the urgent letter from the Princess, a letter that stressed her out to the point of getting her little to no sleep. However, as she stepped off the train, the worry melted away, knowing that her friends were with her too. Together, they could do anything."

You know, giving the narrative more character? Also you're mentioning the more important piece to the whole puzzle: the letter that they received. The water slide isn't as important as the dire situation.

The six friends made their way through the city at a leisurely pace.

Spike will never be friends with them.

“What do you think the princess wants to tell us so badly?”

Capitalize "princess" here, since we're talking about a shorthand version of Princess Celestia, even though Luna is definitely part of the Princess Club too. Poor Luna, like Spike but taller, adored by many (not to be recognized enough, though), and with a title that is more flimsy than cardboard.

I’m sure whatever she has to say will be important,” Twilight said as they wound their way through the streets of the unicorn city.

Twilight, Twilight, Twilight: Celestia doesn't talk for her health, so why even doubt that what she says may or may not be important. This isn't Trollestia, right?

Second, are we really calling Canterlot the unicorn city? This isn't G3.

As the scene progresses, Fluttershy brings up the bowing and royalty issue that plagues Twilight. Apparent bowing is a problem, so address while others bowing is a great time, right? Yet, Rarity decides to bring this point in:

You shouldn’t look at the looks and bowing as cause for embarrassment. Rather, look at them as signs of respect for your station.

One: she hasn't had this type of praise before. So of course she's going to be embarrassed. Also being in a higher social status doesn't make you own a station. Rather, her social status is a position, not a place.

The rest of the scene dwindles on this topic of royalty and bowing, where Applejack says its dishonest, while Pinkie is like, "Yolo, let them do what the fuck they want, they're getting dusty knees, after all." I thought Pinkie's scene was cute, but...

If it makes them happy, let them do it I say.”

Sometimes, there's a random comma or something missing. Here, you're missing the comma after "it". I say is a phrase that adds a bit more recognition, like a filler phrase but to add more attitude to a person's claim. Necessary in gesticulation, kind of unnecessary in reading. All that needs to be done is to check over the sections again in Pinkie's spheel, since sometimes there are some slight errors. Better to clean it up then leave it dirty, aye?

Once they girls are done with their tangents, they arrive at the Castle, or more importantly, the throne room.

The girls soon found themselves in Celestia’s throne room. The Princess of the Sun smiled warmly as Twilight and her friends arrived. Princess Luna stood next to her, a warm-but-restrained smile on her face.

So everything is owned by Celestia? Poor Luna, no joint ownership here!

Secondly, unnecessary variation in identification. You could've omitted Celestia's and put Celestia where "The Princess of the Sun" is currently fumigating the "warm smile". The irony.

“Princess Twilight, everypony, I am so pleased to see you all,” Princess Celestia said as they approached.

Celestia really is pleased. Twilight, you're mentioned by title! Just another salt to the burn from the original discussion.

So they are greeted, talk about the essence of Harmony, which I thought was absolutely fantastic. A great way of explaining how Equestria works, which, by the way, can also be applied to our existence. However, as we get into Celestia spilling the beans about the expedition...

Well, things get contradictory again.

“An accidental discovery,” Celestia said. “A small group of adventuring ponies discovered a long-lost ruin far to the south of Equestria. One that I had hoped would not ever have been found. Unknowingly, they released a long sealed spirit.”

So... now Celestia is masking that this "small group of adventuring ponies" wasn't Luna's expeditionary force to look for this "long-lost ruin"? And why would this expedition even take place if Celestia didn't even want it to be found in the first place? Just because you didn't suspect it doesn't mean you need to enforce the unexpected. Yikes.

Also, long sealed spirit. Snrrk. That totally is not what you meant.

“Oh dearest Celestia, would you please get to the point? Much more of this and I’m likely to fall over from boredom,” said a voice that originated from above them.

Suddenly, Discord. There's that balance, eh?

Also, Discord doesn't only come above. There are so many angles that we have to work with. Originated might be the wrong word choice here.

“Discord!” Fluttershy said happily. The others muttered his name as well.

I like how Fluttershy is the only one to be excited about Discord. That's so sad!

“Now, if good ol’Celestia would kindly move this along, we all wouldn’t be bored to tears.”

The princess sighed at the antics of The Spirit of Chaos.

Princess, and why was Discord called that? Oh boy...

His name is Tyranny, and he represents the aspect of complete order and control.

Blunt irony is blunt irony.

“Don’t we know it?” Many sarcastic remarks came from everywhere.

So everyone was saying "Don't we know it?" or was that a way of saying that they all were making fun of Discord? I'm not even sure.

“But there is one thing you can expect from Tyranny, predictability.

Doesn't flow right... Maybe, "But there is one thing you can expect from Tyranny and that is his predictability." Sounds better and flows much nicer than a random abrupt pause.

The conversation moves on, and they discuss about Tyranny's essence, which is yet again interesting. His physical form was destroyed, yet his spirit lived on and was trapped in stone? Once in a body, he can become physical again, and this time, turning others into stone!

But, within all of this conversation, we get one piece of info that is very good.

There was a collective gasp, though Discord snorted. “With Discord’s help, we have been able to undo what was done to him, but it will be a while before he can move about again. The return from stone is a taxing process on ponies.”

Yay! Tormod is unfucked! How he was is a bit sketchy, but simple in logic. Discord is the opposite of Tyranny (apparently), so he can undo the opposite of his opposite. Makes sense.

So when the conversation dwindles down to Celestia hoping that her student and her friends won't encounter the villain soon, we get this trope:

“In the end, Twilight, I just want you and your friends to be ready if and when he makes his appearance. Which I hope is not any time soon,” Celestia said.

Just then the doors of the throne room flew open and in rushed one of the royal guards.

Oi. Suddenly, Villain is an asshole. Attacking an outpost in the East? What a douche.

Overall, good chapter, very well-written and very few errors. Can't wait to see what Discord will be doing later on. I hope he has a bit more than just a settling down and shots fired type of character role. Also, Tormod and Tourmaline will definitely be pivotal characters, right? Or will Twilight be the one who outshines them?

Only time will tell.

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Time to read and review! It's chapter four! Before I jump into the next chapter, I'd like to point out that this story is LONG. There's no doubt that we'll be here for a while. However, that doesn't mean I will be shortening what I'm pointing out. For a story to be finished in my eyes, I want to make sure I'm thoroughly hitting every single aspect of the story. If I find something funny, I'll show the line and joke with it. If I find errors, I'll make sure I explain why I find it wrong and then go into detail as to fix it, or to let the author come up with their own fix (suggestions included). If I find something interesting, I'll make damn sure that you will know it.

So, let's get on with the chapter, shall we?

So, to recap, we finished the last section with the mentioning of the outpost out East being attacked. Poor guard who had to bring the bad news; Celestia and Luna are ticked.

However, that's not what we're going to be reading about. Instead, we're going to dive into the whole attack, or as that is what I assume, since the story starts off with:

A few days before Twilight and her friends visited Canterlot, Tyranny and Queen Chrysalis stood on a cliff overlooking an outpost of the Equestrian Guard.

Unfortunately, I'm starting to see a pattern. Let's look at the introductory sentences in the previous chapters. For starters, chapter two's introduction goes:

A few months after her coronation, Princess Twilight Sparkle sat quietly in her library in Ponyville, engrossed in a book she was reading.

Meanwhile, chapter three's introduction is written:

Chrysalis’s changelings bristled at the sight of this pony who so boldly stepped into their prison alone.

I didn't want to point this out earlier, since I wasn't too sure if this was going to happen, but the story keeps poking at the previous chapter saying, "Hey, if you forgot what happened..." or "This was mentioned a bit ago!"

This type of story-telling comes off as treating the reader dumb, which is probably not what the author meant. Of course the reader remembers that "this" happened, because the reader wouldn't remember it if the story hadn't interested them in the first place. Professionals jab at story content like this except if that content they are jabbing at happened a long while ago. Like, eight to nine chapters ago. That's a very large time frame versus the one chapter mini-jabs this story has. So, to the author, be careful when introducing chapters. It's pretty weak with what we have so far, and if that's the quality of the intro, then not many readers will flock to the story, nor will I. Fortunately the storyline (with all of its elements) is what is having me hooked, so there's a plus.

Continuing from the introduction, we get the rest of the setting. We're currently at the outpost that was attacked, or well, before it was attacked. We are viewing the incident above Chrysalis and the Evil Wanderer, which is nice to see. A bit more description on what happens is what I'm expecting, and I hope so too. Let's dive into it!

First off, after the opening sentence, we get this:

The outpost was located along Equestria’s eastern border and some distance from any town.

Irrelevant information? Why is it important to mention that it was very distant from any town? Unless there's some plot point I'm missing, then this info is merely filler.

It overlooked a popular trade route that extended out into the neighboring nation.

This would be a better sentence than the add-on from the previous one. My only problem is the "out" here. A bit of word filler that isn't needed.

“How much longer are you going to make us wait at this game? My colony needs to feed.”

The Queen is impatient. Well, she should've thought of something to take this guy out, but I think she notices finally that, despite his height, she is no match for him. Or is that something I'm missing?

Especially not a pony who was not as tall as she, but she reminded herself that she just needed to bide her time and tolerate him…for now.

Chrysalis, your plan better not suck eggs.

“The darkest hour, midnight. Give the order to your minions, and make sure they follow their orders exactly as I have instructed. Do so, and we will take the fortress with little difficulty.”

Again she scowled at him as he turned to look back at the fortress. Was this how her minions felt when she spoke to them?

Well if you spoke so specifically and fragmented, then yes, they would feel angry and upset. Sorry, Evil Wanderer, but you sound less cool and more pompous with this dialogue. Might I suggest more combining of sentences and stronger emphasis on copulas?

“Lieutenant,” she barked, and in a moment the armored changeling flew up to her and kneeled.

The phrase "in a moment" here sounds lazy and awkward. Change it to something that'll better mesh it with the rest of the sentence. Either that, or separate it out with a transition phrase that will suit the situation. Maybe "Seconds after her command, an armored changeling flew up to her and kneeled in reverence."?

Not sure, your call there.

So Chrysalis tells her Lieutenant to strike at midnight and to follow orders and he goes:

“As you say, my Queen”

Rest in peace, my beautiful dot.

The section ends with Evil Wanderer telling them to make sure the guards are unharmed. When he leaves, Chrysalis talks to her Lieutenant after he asks how much longer until we put our fangs in the dude's crotch (not really, but it sounds funny), and she says after the attack on the fort.

So maybe Chrysalis isn't fucking around. They just need some love, and some sharp fangs.

Hopefully Wanderer knows to wear ball cups for protection.

Moving on into the next section, we get perspective of the take over from the guard's view, the Commander of the Outpost. We get a good description of how strict he is and--

He was not a hard commander, but he made sure things remained professional under his command.

(͡◕ ͜ʖ ͡◕)

We know what you mean, boss.

Totally.

As the scene goes on, we get the Commander stumbling upon two recruits that are honestly more awkward than obeying, but it does fit the scene well, as the two guards who transform into changelings appear in front of him. They fight, he gets stuck in goo, struggles, and the section ends.
For the most part, the rest of that section is well written, other than the little dinks like:

“What in the name of Celestia was that?” he asked, pushing between them as he looked to the night-enshrouded woods.

Of course it's night, so why mention in it in a passing dialogue section? Couldn't you use a different adjective?

The commander’s instincts kicked in, and he lashed out with both hind legs, catching the second changeling in the chest, sending it sprawling.

Your lack of transition phrases and words disturbs me. More clauses, less comma splicing!

Par example:

"The commander's instincts kicked in: he lashed out with both hind legs, which caught the second changeling in the chest and sent him flying in a heap of defeat."

Take heap of defeat as you will. :D

Moving onto the next section, we get the aftermath of the attack, and Chrysalis' plan, which by the way, did suck eggs. Let us turn on him by doing something that is easily seen! Good plan, Chrissy! If you need me, I'll be over here facepalming. She induced me into this state.

Then we get this:

“How pathetic,” “Did you honestly think that I was not aware of your plan?” he questioned.

Why is this separated?

Also:

I was using you to get our freedom and so that we could feast on those here.”

Villain tells plans to other people cliché.

The gale force winds tossed them all aside, like leaves caught in a dust devil.

I like how you described the effect of Wanderer's attack on the changelings. Not something I would have came up with, so there's a plus for descriptive use of dust devils.

Tyranny pointed his free hoof towards him and a shadowy clawed hand sprang forth and pinned him to the ground.

Chrysalis could only look on in shock and horror. Her entire hive, defeated with just a single spell.

No, only most of our hive was defeated with one spell. Your lieutenant tried to get up, but sir Edgy the Evil Wanderer got his magic claw out. Well, he isn't edgy, just playing with some black toys.

Right?

The wall exploded outward, bits of mortar and stone spraying into the night-shrouded woods.

Exploded = outward, so why mention it?

Also night-shrouded? First it was enshrouded, and now shrouded? Erm...

Better logical word variation, please.

She intended to shoot a glob of sticky substance at him at the last second and use her horn to finish him. However, he saw it coming and sidestepped the attack.

It's an action scene that sounds like a porn but isn't!

Whoa.

So let's skip ahead. If you want spoilers though, since you did stumble into this thread, Tyranny (Evil Wanderer) wins and he crumbles that poor commander to dust. Well, possibly the whole garrison too.

I'm guessing he's going to use those for later, since he did half-assed his transformation into one, but eh.

Do feel sorry for the Commander, though. He won't be seeing his wife or children. Damn. The indirect feels.

So the section ends with that, and we move on to greener pastures, also known as the final section, where we catch up with mane six. Yes, mane!
We start off with Twilight remembering what Celestia told her, because jab at the audience at the right time for the purpose of making sure we are on track.

It had been five days since they had left Canterlot, and her mind once again wandered to the final conversation with Princess Celestia.

Also because it has been five days. I mean, five days is not too long, but how the heck does she remember her conversation with her so well?

I mean, pinpoint accuracy folks. Nothing written down...

Shit, she is an A+ student.

“I need you and your friends to gather the Elements of Harmony and join Princess Luna and a small number of the Royal Guard to head for the outpost and find out what has happened there.

Celestia, stop rambling already. It's the first damn sentence, and you are already off to the races like a horse in Kentucky. Slow down!

Also, the amount of the word "and" in this sentence is too damn high.

Lastly, you do know what happened, Celly. They took it over. That's not a question, that's an answer.

Moving on...

"If it is the changelings like our scout hinted at, your numbers should be enough to deal with them. Between your friends, Luna, and yourself, you should be able to defeat them.”

Wait a minute, that was a scout? I thought that was a random guard who came in frantically pissing himself on the basis of "Oh shit, round two is coming!"

Also, no mention of a scout ever in the scene previous. Plus the whole garrison was defeated, so how the heck did someone from the outpost warn of the scout that the British Changelings had fucked their entire regiment up? Maybe there should've been a figure in the darkness that Chrysalis spotted but didn't think much of because she thought it was a Changeling or something (that was walking from the outpost).

I don't know but there's no context here. Just assumptions and forced "I know of the situation" type of Celestia.

“If it is Tyranny who is behind this, use the Elements. He is likely too powerful to defeat without them; and Twilight, be wary, Tyranny is a master manipulator. He will say things in an attempt to deceive and control you. Warn your friends as well if he attempts to speak to you.”

You already told Twilight to get the Elements. Why tell her that again? I mean, I know it's for a different purpose, but come on. Point out the obvious, Celly.

Also, Tyranny confirmed for an Avatar the Last Airbender villain. Steals faces and entire identities, is terrible at dialogue, and isn't too deceptive because he is the definition of predictable.

So yeah, warning is pointless.

Twilight smiled confidently. “Don’t worry, princess, it will never happen. If my friends and I can handle Discord, we can handle Tyranny.”

Discord is a different plate of villain, Twilight. He's clever, isn't predictable, doesn't use trends of claws and disintegration, and is a "weaker" opposite of Tyranny. So yeah, not exactly the same. Still, you--I mean, Fluttershy can do it!

Well, now that we're out of Twilight's extraordinary mind that remembers things to the T, we zip back into the present, where she is currently with Luna, Spike, those Royal Guards, and her friends. They're heading for the outpost, which has been attacked and probably vacated by now, but whatever, right?

“So, Twilight,” she heard Spike say from the back of the wagon. She slowed her pace to peer inside the wagon.

Wagon is indeed a wagon. Pronouns are your friend, author.

“I don’t know, Spike; I haven’t been to this part of Equestria before. It can’t be too much further though, we are not too far from the border the last time I saw on the map.”

Wait, so you're not sure, Twilight, but you are sure? Contradictions are contradictions.

Also, take out the awkward preposition. It's not needed and it slows the reader down for a moment. You could add "time" right after the word "last" to make the sentence more smooth, but that's only if you think it sounds good. To me, it sounds fine either with or without the addition of "time".

A young sparrow flew erratically outside the wagon while she watched.

“Ooh, that is very nice,” the yellow pegasus said to the sparrow.

Out of context, this sounds weird. Just weird, nothing else.

The white hat rested easily on Twilight’s head. “Thanks Rarity. When did you make this?”

“Oh I made them after our day at the lake, dear. I felt everypony should have something to wear the next time we spent the day there.

No, Rarity, you're still salty about being splashed on twice (and also dunked into the water). So yeah, it's for protection from random water droplets, not for style.

“Nothing is wrong with it, dear,” Rarity said without missing a beat. “It is just well…worn.”

“That’s how ya know it’s a good hat,” Applejack said firmly.

No, that's when you know you wear your hat like a human wears his or her shoes. You just like it so much that you can't part with it, AJ.

And here I thought nopony could make the royal guards laugh, but leave it ta Pinkie.”

Because guards are not like regular ponies cliché.

“One a the guards I was talkin’ to said the outpost shouldn’t be too far ahead.

One of*

“Our little friend here said he just came back from the outpost we are heading to. He said it is deserted and quiet. He felt uneasy being there,” she said worriedly.

Hold up! So this little bird was not a random bird, but one of Fluttershy's newly gained companions, who was probably told by her of the situation? Using a bird to scout when you have ponies with wings?

...

I guess that works.

Twilight nodded resolutely, standing straighter.

Keep the posture of a Princess, Twilight.

“I’ll tell the princess and see if we can pick up the pace. The sooner we get there, the sooner we will have our answers.”

Capitalize that P! You aren't calling Princess Luna, Luna alone, therefore it needs to be capitalized.

“What?” the ponies and dragon said together.

Did anyone order a slice of awkward dialogue tags?

...

No?

...

Okay, that needs to be fixed. It needs to have the emotion of shock and surprise, not some bland monotone reaction you hear when someone tells you that a new end-of-the-world date appeared because someone was wrong for the thirtieth time.

In short, use that creativity I have seen from time to time here, Zodiac!

And to top off chapter four, we have Fluttershy staring in:

“Do we have to?” Fluttershy asked in a small voice.

Of course, my little pony, then there would be no story!

So with chapter four in the books, I have to say that this story is decent. The storyline is what is keeping me fixated on finishing it, but some of this dialogue and narration...

Aye, it needs fixing.

Let's see where chapter five will take us.

Hopefully somewhere where I don't question Tyranny's predictability...

...or Celestia's all-knowing brain.

4739133 Wow, that is quite the expansive review of chapter four! I do appreciate the pointing out of the flaws in the story, both narrative and mechanical. Perhaps I should have used those claws Tyranny has to shred the story a bit closer, eh? XD

I was using you to get our freedom and so that we could feast on those here.”

Villain tells plans to other people cliché.

Clichéd villains tend to do clichéd things.

I didn't want to point this out earlier, since I wasn't too sure if this was going to happen, but the story keeps poking at the previous chapter saying, "Hey, if you forgot what happened..." or "This was mentioned a bit ago!"

This type of story-telling comes off as treating the reader dumb, which is probably not what the author meant. Of course the reader remembers that "this" happened, because the reader wouldn't remember it if the story hadn't interested them in the first place. Professionals jab at story content like this except if that content they are jabbing at happened a long while ago. Like, eight to nine chapters ago. That's a very large time frame versus the one chapter mini-jabs this story has. So, to the author, be careful when introducing chapters. It's pretty weak with what we have so far, and if that's the quality of the intro, then not many readers will flock to the story, nor will I. Fortunately the storyline (with all of its elements) is what is having me hooked, so there's a plus.

I've always known it as a way of tying the chapters together. Otherwise I could have readers wondering "Wait, when did this happen?" Without a clear way of telling (or showing) how the events tie together, it could lead to reader confusion as to when the events take place. It's not really a way of questioning the readers intelligence, but making sure that everyone is on the same track.

That being said, that doesn't mean I shouldn't find a better way of doing so. Rather than the narrator outright telling our readers when things take place, it should be shown through character perception or dialogue. This was back when I really didn't understand showing vs telling and when to do each.

Live and learn, you know?

You already told Twilight to get the Elements. Why tell her that again? I mean, I know it's for a different purpose, but come on. Point out the obvious, Celly.

To be fair, she said to use them, not gather them.

Keep up the review, Soarin'! I look forward to each entry!

4739352
Will do boss.

Also, yeah, I know this is one of your stories, so I'm trying to not grill it to the point of burning it. I'm glad that you're learning a lot from what I'm pointing out, so hopefully as this progresses you'll see patterns in writing that you can try and inhibit over time, and learn different moves! I mean, I'm not an expert, but I do know a fair bit of creative writing. I'm not like some of the authors on the site though... Hopefully someday, right?

4739429 Just giving a bump. Hope my story didn't fry your brain or anything.

4805697
No, it hasn't. I'm just currently stuck in a horrible conundrum, where essays and cynical minds like to dance together.

AKA, I'm trying to find the time to finish the review of the next chapter.

Just want to let you all know that I am coming back to do this review, but it will be after my finals are done. From what it looks like, I won't be able to start on this again until December 16th. Sorry Zodiac. Maybe as a Christmas present I'll finish this off?

Or maybe a New Years Gift...

*schemes*

Well folks, this is the chapter that may make me stop reading this story.

Why?

Um…

Shit.

The storytelling is killing me. It's actually so awkward at some points that I have to re-read to make sure I read the author's choice of words correctly. We'll get into this as soon as we get through the first paragraph of chapter five.

When they arrived at the outpost a short time later, the only sound to greet them was the wind and leaves rustlilng.

That should be rustling.

And… it's also an awkward opening sentence. The phrase, "When they arrived at the outpost" would've been good enough, but the addition of "a short time later" kills the flow that you had to begin with. Not only that, but the juncture of "wind and leaves" murders the predicate of the sentence with a slice of awkwardness.

To improve this sentence would mean to remove the awkward details and fix slight errors in tense along the way. So, here is how it would look in two different ways:

When they arrived at the outpost, the only sounds greeting them were the winds howling and the leaves rustling.

When they arrived at the outpost, the only sound greeting them were the leaves rustling in the wind.

So, why these two different suggestions? Simple. I cannot assume what the author meant. I can only assume that there are several possibilities that the author could use. The author, Zodiac, could use either one, or even come up with one that I missed, since fixing this sentence has more ways than one in dicing and slicing the awkwardness away.

But this is only the first sentence. Let's jump into the next one.

The afternoon sun still shone brightly above, but they all could feel a sense of gloom pressing down over the place like a thick fog.

Hmm…

Uh. Good attempt, but bad execution. I know this is your first fanfiction to really be posted, but yikes. Word for thought: adjectives do not make a story better. And "all" here sounds better after "could". I don't know how to fix the rest of this sentence, because I'm having trouble just getting past the adjective bundle.

These are just two examples of the massive problems this story has. The entire chapter has awkward dialogue due to the following:

1. Comma splices.
Example:

“Rarity, Fluttershy, did you see anything?” Twilight asked the two.

“Not a thing, dear,” Rarity said, Fluttershy nodding in agreement.

<Rarity said what she said.>

<Fluttershy nodded here.>

Give them separate queues or combine them with a transitional phrase or word like "while". It would change the tense, but it sure would make more sense.

…

I'm not Zecora. I'm not a rapper either.

Also, you do not need "the two" when you mention two characters' names in the dialogue.

2. Out of character responses.

Example:

Luna nodded. “I had come to much the same conclusion, however it only brings about more questions. Where has the changeling queen and her minions gone after the betrayal, and where have our soldiers gone? There has been no sign of anypony leaving the barracks. Finally, where has Tyranny gone from here?”

“All good questions, Princess,” Applejack said.

Is this just me, or does this response not sound like an AJ thing? I mean, not everything needs an adjustment due to a dialect change, but cripes sakes, those are good questions, but the response isn't even approachable.

And the phrase "Finally" sounds awkward. If you're going to do a series of questions, then you need to treat each sentence like a series. So, start off with first, then second, and then third, before hitting the last one with "lastly" because fourthly does not sound so well-written (even though it's correct).

3. "As" phrases.

Example:

“What do ya think happened here, Twi?” Applejack asked as she joined her.

“I’m not sure," she said as she straightened.

First off, these two are back to back? That is a writing sin right there, and I'm not even in that group!

Secondly, just to give some context, this could've been more creatively brought out if you made Twilight surprised by Applejack's intrusion. I mean, Twilight's head was in the clouds when she was looking at these depressions and such. Applejack's voice would probably knock anyone's brain back to reality.

4. Failed sentences!

Example 1:

The pink earth mare pouted, crossing her forelegs and. “Hmph, I’ll have to give him an earful about breaking other pony's things.”

You failed to finish the sentence.

Example 2:

“He destroyed my costume?!” They all winced at Pinkie’s volume; at the outburst, a few of the guards looked in their direction curiously.

This sentence could've been worded better.

5. One word responses.
Example 1:

Twilight shook her head. “A changeling’s anatomy would make wearing armor meant for ponies impractical at best."

“Curious,” Rarity said, rubbing at her chin.

"I'm curious so I'll say I'm curious while I rub my chin," I say, rubbing my chin.

That totally wasn't awkward.

Example 2:

“I’ve come from the armory, Princess; all of the Equestrian armor is missing. Yet, strangely, all the weapons remain."

She furrowed her brow. “Strange.”

Yes, it is strange that the weapons were strangely there. Why use the same word twice?

There are many more errors to point out, but I'm not going to do that. I want the author to fix the mess ups here, so they can learn from their mistakes (not that you already have, Zodiac). I'm betting it's even worse in the next chapter, so I suggest getting an editor a surgeon to do an immediate surgery on this patient.

So, I would go over the content of this chapter, but I'd like to point out something before I do that. Bear with me when I type this, but shit:

“Trixie, what happened to you and your wagon?” Twilight asked.

“Who did you tick off this time?” Rainbow Dash growled at her.

Wait, wait, wait! You want to help her out?” Rainbow asked, pointing a hoof at Trixie.

“Oh come now, Rainbow Dash, would you turn away from somepony who genuinely needs help?” Rarity asked. “Even if it is Trixie.” Her tone clearly indicated she had not forgotten the show mare’s previous actions either.

Rainbow huffed. “Fine.”

Twilight turned to Trixie. “Will you be all right?”

The showmare smiled her confident smile. “The Great and Powerful Trixie can look after herself."

“But can’t get her own wagon back on its wheels,” Rainbow Dash said before flying off.

Rainbow Dash may hold grudges, but shit, this bad of one?

Trixie is like Kevin Hart asking for help:

And Rainbow Dash is not the best friend here. She's Kevin Hart's wife.

I mean, the story content is still fine. Tyranny is a creative villain, Tormod and Tourmaline are still great characters to read about, but man… the grammar is killing me along with some of the content, especially with Rainbow Dash acting too over-the-top with her actions and the fact that—

Celestia sat at the head of the table as the waiters cleaned up after a pleasant breakfast with the siblings. The two shared many tales of the adventures they had together with their friend Wanderer. She learned the three had known each other since foalhood and had been together ever since. They had all found their cutie marks shortly after the other; Wanderer had been the first to gain his, as he was constantly wandering in many places he had not intended to go. Tourmaline earned hers from finding stolen valuables from their hometown that had been lost to thieves. Finally, Tormod had earned his when he found that his love of studying maps and working with navigation equipment was his special talent. Their combined abilities had made them quite the adventuring group. They spoke of Wanderer often and she could see the worry on their faces when they did.

THIS IS ALL TOLD TO US, NOT SHOWN.

Sorry, caps lock.

Why was this all told to us? I mean, a lot of this story is told to us. I can deal with the world build aspect of telling, but this is ridiculous. I would've loved to see the reactions between these three. And… how dull of a way to get your cutie mark, Wanderer. Shit, that just seems so unattractive that even I would not want that talent.

"Wow, I mindlessly wandered into a prison, into Celestia's sex dungeon, and into Hade's shower to earn this fantastic butt mark! Well, what the fuck does it mean?"

That would be my reaction to that. What a great way to gain your talent.

Just, ugh.

I don't think I can go on with this story. I may try one more chapter, but if I don't, I'll give my overall opinion of the story early in an overall review style. This chapter was the breaking point. Sorry, Zodiac.

4934823 *sighs* The sins of my past writing still haunt me. Still, thanks for pointing these out, it's the main reason for reviews: to help authors see what other see.

Hopefully the next chapter resparks your interest. Plenty of action to be had, as well as hints into the lore of this series.

And a Pinkie Pie song, everyone loves a Pinkie Pie song.