The Girls

When the main six find themselves in our world, it is up to one high school student to protect them from forces that want to exploit them and the portal to Equestria for their own needs.

By: Chelis

Now, before I start, you all need to see is this.

Ya, two stories in the row, similar feed back. So, before I start, I'm going to take a breather so I don't become overbearing in my criticism.

The story starts off as you reading in the point of view of a young teenager, who is sick and bored of school. He goes to school and suddenly finds that a new girl has found her way in, and that girl happens to be Rainbow Dash, in human form. She's lost, but without a care to the world. Yep, that's how the story starts.

Along the story, he would eventually come across all of the main ponies, and continue trying to help them find their way home.

What I despise the most... and I understand that despise is a big word... is the fact that the teenager, claims to be protecting the girls, yet hands out his perverted fantasies on a golden platter in the possible case of actually getting himself in bed with them. I understand that some people find that funny, but not in this way. Now, I need to go into why... I will however, comment on those details on the characterization section. Actually, I'll head to that section now, since the narrative is in it's most basic level.

Have a random classic!

Now, First! We have the... the... I don't even know how to say this, so I'll start out simple.

Why would one write Twilight and Rainbow Dash as girls who are completely ignorant to the power of appearance? That they are so innocent, they would, without a care in the world, walk around the house without a stitch of clothing on? Without a stitch of clothing! Walking around the house! Alone with a guy they barely know!

Please, digest that, all of you people, digest that. I don't care if they are from a world where cloths seam to be an option, and they all walk around with nothing but short cut fur... Ponies from Equestria would still have a sense of self respect! They are not dumb, they are not ignorant by any means, at least in that nature. Just with that factor alone, Twilight and RD are written in such an out of character style... something I was blind sided with, that the story itself was not even close to enjoyable for me. For others? Possibly, but not for me... at all.

In all honesty, I don't know why this story passed as Teen with all the language and sexual references. I honestly don't know, because that is not Teen. That would automatically be rated R, or off of Prime time television. So people know where I'm getting at, this is Family Guy and South Park level of mature for me. Yes, I watched the show, this story crosses into that line.

Hmm... now I suppose I should say something nice, even though this is one case where I am really having a hard time saying anything... nice or pleasant. I didn't think that possible, but now I know it is.

I guess, through all that... I did laugh at one part... That lady at the clothes store knows what he is up to, she should be in the story more. I didn't finish, so I don't know. I don't know a lot about this story because of that, but at this point, I'm not at all interested. I know, Harsh. Be sure to drink plenty with all this salt.

You all know, I'm not the best in grammar. I can handle going through grammatically poor stories without much of a head ache. I strength and a weakness one could say, so I can say that I did not go through this story with a headache due to poor grammar... No, the headache was caused by lack of sleep.

With that said, I still found quite a few issues where words did not aline properly. I had to imagine what certain sentences meant. Places where words were doubled by mistake... easy fixes... for the most part. So, I know this could get up to a C+ from in an English class.

Okay, So... You clearly got my opinion on this, so now I'm thinking of those who enjoy it. I can see why some enjoy it, I honestly can. I just can't give it anything worth while in our rating system do to the standard that seems to have shaped it self. So, I'm going to give it a Needs Work

Now, Chelis, don't break your keyboard... Don't cry in a corner. Just... keep up writing. Give me something that has less... sexual references, maybe I can take it more seriously, even as a comedy.

Mr. Flare

3971975 I just wanna know... how the hell did such a fic get a 298/49 ratio of upvotes to downvotes? Self upvote and two hundred and ninty-seven alt accounts?

3971995
No, there are people out there who enjoyed this story.
I read the comment section.

3971997 The way you describe the grammar issues alone...

3971995 its really just because its clop. People see it, upvote it and fav it, and then often forget about it before reading. Otherwise people will often nust like it because of who gets shipped with who regardless of the story quality. It does leave a bad taste in your mouth when you think about it.

3971975

where cloths seam

where clothes seem*

I gotchu Cromega. =]

Great review buddy, great as always!

3972076
Not the first. Rinn got me like 8 times already.

3972005 I do not upvote or fav a fic until I have read it... or at least the first few chapters. As it stands, I do not think I should even add it to my read later list.

Quick! Review one of my crappy stories to at least get a semblance of sanity!! (Lord knows my early stuff is crap, but at least I make an attempt at suspension of belief...)

I'm kidding! You don't have to review my stories. I know they are amateurish. They're like watching a newt slowly getting better.

Emphasis on slowly.

I didn't even know that was a rating.