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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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What is he hoping to accomplish against an air raid with a machine gun? You can't exactly shoot bombs out of the air
Ummmm. Why would they throw four nukes on one single city?
Welp. That turned quite dark
Ahh, wow. A feral ghoul companion That's a new one
(takes "senile old grandpa" to a whole new level )
Remarks and corrections:
> Brass brought the package around and presented it to Rose, it was a small [...]
> Rose gasped when she opened it, inside were two silver necklaces, the pendants were matching halves [...]
> [...] he said, "now go, I'll come when I can."
There are a ton of comma splices in this; sentences that should be separate but are connected by commas. All of the commas in these quoted pieces should be sentence breaks. These are just a few examples; there are a lot more.
> toward the bedroom done
Not sure what the "done" is doing there.
> the happiest day of my live
should be "life".
> Might even have to preform a little
perform
> air ride sirens.
air [raid] sirens
> This is an abuse use of power!
Kinda redundant. Just "an abuse of power" without the extra "use" is enough.
> when the thundering boom of the first bailfire bomb sounded
Heh. Fairly sure that's "balefire"
> voice becoming gravely
gravelly
> to the Sable door
"the [Stable] door"
> and laid down at the foot of memorial.
"and [lay] down"
7160984
Crowd control. A machine gun might do diddly-squat against a missile, but it sure is effective at keeping ponies in line.
The zebras obviously wanted to be extra sure that the city was destroyed.
Defenintaly makes trips into town interesting, thats for sure.
"I told you last time not to bring the zombie back!" the guard called down from the top of the town wall.
"But he's tame!" Rose called back up, "He wouldn't hurt a fly!"
"He ate the last group of ponies we ran across, Rose, and you called it cute." Mac said.
"They were raiders so they don't count."
"The last one was still alive when Brass started on him. I can still hear his screams."
"Ok, fine. He won't attack unless you threaten us. Now can you please let us in?"
"The zombie stays outside or you don't come in," the guard said.
"Ugh, fine! Brass, stay, ok? We'll be back before dark. . . And don't eat anypony!"
As for the corrections, thanks. I will fix them as soon as I can.