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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hmm. This needs some work. First, there's the tense inconsistency. You jump from past to present on several occasions. Then there's the numbers. Don't use digits in text; unless they're overly complex (like, three digits or more, and all different), write them out as words. "Fifteen", not "15". And finally, a small nitpick on the quotation tags: in the classic "s/he said" construction, the actual "s/he said" part behind a quote shouldn't start with a capital letter unless it's a name. And when splitting a sentence on a comma and putting the "s/he said" in between, the second part should obviously also not have a capital letter.
One more on the tense: if you're referring to past events when already in past tense, you need past perfect: "The town’s mayor talked about an emergency escape plan a few months ago" should be "The town’s mayor [had talked] about an emergency escape plan a few months [before]".
On the story content... well. The whole first scene in italics doesn't seem to serve any purpose, story-wise, except establish that somehow they live in a completely idyllic village in the Equestrian Wastelands. The mother expresses hope that everything will be better soon, despite nothing written up to that point giving any indication that anything bad at all happens there. Only the final scene of the story, much, much later, mentions problems with caravans, but in the context of these first scenes, that "everything was going to be better soon" line makes no sense at all. The mother is also somehow a pegasus, while the very very few pegasi that live on the ground are all Enclave exiles, canonically.
Overall, the characters all come across as people who have no idea how life works in the wastelands, which is really strange if you live there. Death and attacks and risking their lives should be a daily concern to them, but instead they're shocked and horrified at the thought of having to fight to survive. As a whole, it doesn't really come across as very believable.