Covered from top to bottom in paintings and various depictions of stories and historical events. I could not help but think that, when first waking up, the walls looked more akin to the result of someone’s spoiled lunch than a work of. “ugh, this place could really use a little blank space. The walls are far too busy. Just a little blank grey square. Right there. In front of my chair. That would be lovely”
I really wish Recap's story had begun there. Calling back to the source material's introduction to Littlepip. That would have been a far more intriguing opening than the background behind her conception. However, the idea behind Stable 22 is quite innovative; stuffing so many historians into one bunker results in a lifestyle that sort of explains why Recap constantly talks in literary jargon.
As far as the opening chapter goes, it is a great premise. Recap gets kicked out of the artist's stable for plagiarism: a realistic possibility. And there are hints of her personality scattered in the details and her act of plagiarism. Some of the narration falls short, because the language seems dumbed down in certain paragraphs. Recap grew up surrounded by literature and art, yet she still finds the need to say "[she] was mortified" or "[she] was elated?" Her narration could reflect her background and upbringing a little more; doing so would help make Recap seem less of an alien character.
But the narration aside, the story is written well. Do not get discouraged by the dislikes, readers, give this story a chance.
Second, in response to the introduction "Covered in top to bottom with paintings (etc)" idea. I will have to say, I really do love that line. I wanted to use it as a call back to Fallout Equestria and only hoped it wasn't too hamfisted. I am glad it came across well. As for whether that would make a good beginning... I think you are right in that it makes a great opening bit. It is one of my favorites parts of the chapter. However, there is also this part of me that doesn't want to call back too much to the original work (at least quite that blatantly) if only because... well, essentially my concern was that it would come across less like paying tribute and more like me copying Kkat. I think I was worried others might critique the story due to its similarity. That said, I will definitely think on it. The story is far from finished.
And third, in regards to the bit on Recap's language seeming dumbed down, I am afraid that is my own limitations coming out there. Me and Recap share a similarity in regards the history side of things (having a BA in history) which gives me some insight into that side of her and, like her, I love reading and stories. However, her experience would have been far more in depth than my own in regards to literary training and understanding. I love stories but writing them, disseminating them, and otherwise using the language one might find in such circles is all something I am stilling working on. I try but... enthusiasm does not equal experience.
Lastly, if you have the chance/desire to respond, I did want to ask one thing. You said "Recap grew up surrounded by literature and art, yet she still finds the need to say "[she] was mortified" or "[she] was elated?" Her narration could reflect her background and upbringing a little more; doing so would help make Recap seem less of an alien character."
I wanted to ask what you meant about words like "mortified" and "elated" resulting in her seeming alien. Are the words just odd/uncommonly used resulting in giving off that feeling? I was curious and hoped to be able to learn from it. Hopefully, once I find someone willing to edit, this will occur less frequently. Again, thanks so much for your comment and endorsement!
P.S. I added the word "art" to "work of...". Not sure where that word got to X_X
She gets kicked out of the stable for plagiarism? I'm surprised she wouldn't be kicked out of the stable for that egregious text dump at the beginning of the story. While it is interesting to have the idea of a stable full of historians and story loving ponies, it seems like they entirely failed in getting any of the editing genes because there are a lot of syntax errors. Missing punctuation around subordinate clauses, lack of ellipsis when they need them, ponies saying "Me and my mother," in a literary stable no less! Some editing could do nicely for this story.
While I sound harsh, I want to say that I see potential. When the real narration started (i.e. the "The multicolored walls stared back at me. Covered from top to bottom in paintings and various depictions of stories and historical events." part), your story started to do nice things. I would really implore you to try to sneak the giant informative section at the beginning, the one about the history of the stable and the protagonist, into the narrative as it happens. It would make it less obtrusive and would add some flavor to enhance why the Recall feels so strongly about the things she cares about. I think it would really help your story out.
Also, I like the humorous narrative bits you use. I too am writing a side story with a lot of humor in it, so it is good to see some people who are doing the same. There are too few of us, and sometimes I feel we need to stick together.
I really wish Recap's story had begun there. Calling back to the source material's introduction to Littlepip. That would have been a far more intriguing opening than the background behind her conception. However, the idea behind Stable 22 is quite innovative; stuffing so many historians into one bunker results in a lifestyle that sort of explains why Recap constantly talks in literary jargon.
As far as the opening chapter goes, it is a great premise. Recap gets kicked out of the artist's stable for plagiarism: a realistic possibility. And there are hints of her personality scattered in the details and her act of plagiarism. Some of the narration falls short, because the language seems dumbed down in certain paragraphs. Recap grew up surrounded by literature and art, yet she still finds the need to say "[she] was mortified" or "[she] was elated?" Her narration could reflect her background and upbringing a little more; doing so would help make Recap seem less of an alien character.
But the narration aside, the story is written well. Do not get discouraged by the dislikes, readers, give this story a chance.
6453551
First of all, thanks for the comment!
Second, in response to the introduction "Covered in top to bottom with paintings (etc)" idea. I will have to say, I really do love that line. I wanted to use it as a call back to Fallout Equestria and only hoped it wasn't too hamfisted. I am glad it came across well. As for whether that would make a good beginning... I think you are right in that it makes a great opening bit. It is one of my favorites parts of the chapter. However, there is also this part of me that doesn't want to call back too much to the original work (at least quite that blatantly) if only because... well, essentially my concern was that it would come across less like paying tribute and more like me copying Kkat. I think I was worried others might critique the story due to its similarity. That said, I will definitely think on it. The story is far from finished.
And third, in regards to the bit on Recap's language seeming dumbed down, I am afraid that is my own limitations coming out there. Me and Recap share a similarity in regards the history side of things (having a BA in history) which gives me some insight into that side of her and, like her, I love reading and stories. However, her experience would have been far more in depth than my own in regards to literary training and understanding. I love stories but writing them, disseminating them, and otherwise using the language one might find in such circles is all something I am stilling working on. I try but... enthusiasm does not equal experience.
Lastly, if you have the chance/desire to respond, I did want to ask one thing. You said "Recap grew up surrounded by literature and art, yet she still finds the need to say "[she] was mortified" or "[she] was elated?" Her narration could reflect her background and upbringing a little more; doing so would help make Recap seem less of an alien character."
I wanted to ask what you meant about words like "mortified" and "elated" resulting in her seeming alien. Are the words just odd/uncommonly used resulting in giving off that feeling? I was curious and hoped to be able to learn from it. Hopefully, once I find someone willing to edit, this will occur less frequently. Again, thanks so much for your comment and endorsement!
P.S. I added the word "art" to "work of...". Not sure where that word got to X_X
She gets kicked out of the stable for plagiarism? I'm surprised she wouldn't be kicked out of the stable for that egregious text dump at the beginning of the story. While it is interesting to have the idea of a stable full of historians and story loving ponies, it seems like they entirely failed in getting any of the editing genes because there are a lot of syntax errors. Missing punctuation around subordinate clauses, lack of ellipsis when they need them, ponies saying "Me and my mother," in a literary stable no less! Some editing could do nicely for this story.
While I sound harsh, I want to say that I see potential. When the real narration started (i.e. the "The multicolored walls stared back at me. Covered from top to bottom in paintings and various depictions of stories and historical events." part), your story started to do nice things. I would really implore you to try to sneak the giant informative section at the beginning, the one about the history of the stable and the protagonist, into the narrative as it happens. It would make it less obtrusive and would add some flavor to enhance why the Recall feels so strongly about the things she cares about. I think it would really help your story out.
Also, I like the humorous narrative bits you use. I too am writing a side story with a lot of humor in it, so it is good to see some people who are doing the same. There are too few of us, and sometimes I feel we need to stick together.