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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
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At first I have to say: I like this story.
Done with that, let's get into detail (starting with the bad things, because good things at the end will make you feel better)
- the main point is the overly angsty protagonist. While this is - in some way - explained in the story it's still a) strange that a pony like this became an officer without ever being in danger or a combat-like situation at all. She asks herself why she can't be a scientist in chapter 2, so why did she take the route of becoming a military-pony in the first place? Nopony's happy with that kind of arrangement: the Enclave gets a panicing, non or bad acting officer who will cause more harm than good and Sienna is scared to death every day.
- you should space out your prologue. You do it in your chapters already, so do it there too.
- you could've introduce Sienna's friends a bit more before the thing that happens happens, but that's comeing from the guy who wrote four chapters aka roughly 30k words to introduce the main character's friends before the thing that happens happens. So feel free to ignore this point.
- My main (and only real) issue: the cheesy afterlife scene. That bugged me. Really. The chapter would've been better without it. Unless you plan to lift the story up into a more metaphysical plain, then it's okay.
So, proceeding to the things I liked:
- Sienna - for all her angstyness - is a character I like. She's relatable, isn't a social outsider like so many FoE protagonists - especially those who live in a stable - and above all is an (enclave) pegasus. I thought I was the only one who has a protagonist who doesn't get screwed by the Enclave because they're pricks like that. Continue with that attitude. Although the prologue hints at the Enclave being mean because the Enclave has to be mean, but I hope for the opposite.
- the prologue: despite the lacking spacing - which you're hopefully going to fix soon - the prologue is quite good. In the sense that it is actually a prologue and no fist chapter titled "Prologue" because starting with a first chapter seems like a bad idea. So kudos for that.
- The whole two chapters were pleasant to read. I can't really say why, but all that's important is that they were pleasant to read. All the way through.
I can happily leave a like and a favorite here and hope to see this continued soon.
Tetragramatron
Thank you so much for your feedback! The prologue was a mistake. I was rushing to get the story published and didnt think about the spacing! I will be fixing this when I upload the next chapter.
I liked to think that Sienna decided to become an officer because she thought it would mean she just sat behind a desk the entire time. (In reality, my sister has told me that higher ranks do this. She was in the Navy.)
I didnt want to get into too much detail with her friends because i didn't want to make them main characters in the story.
As for the afterlife scene, i agree that it is cheesy. As i was rereading it, i decided i am going to change it. I'll have to go back to my rough draft and change a few things.
I appreciate the positive feedback, too! Sienna is actually based on most of my own personality.
I hope i explained things a little better! I'm surprised i actually got positive points This is my first fanfiction, after all!
Thanks for the favorite and like!
-AP