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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Up to this point, I really like it. I'll keep an eye on it.
Great... I had more or less written my comment for this chapter to the end, then misclicked and closed the window, so sorry that I can't bring all of the constructive criticism and nitpicking to the table as I had planned to bring.
One of the major problems in this chapters is that you tell and dosn't show the characters feelings. We should be able to tell when the main character is scared, not from a " I pleaded." in the end of a string of dialogue, but from her body language. Give her some tic that she can show when she is scared, make her gnaw on the elbow of her wing, let her tail whip from side to side as a wheeping willow in a tornado, something, anything really, instead of telling us out right how the characters feel. Show don't tell as you have properly heard a million times.
Your chapter have a lot of problems where you have hit enter early and jumped a line, which isn't that big a problem, but for people like me that pre-read a lot is it a major eyesoar, so I would suggest to just skim trough your chapters after you have published them, making sure that fimfiction haven't fucked any of the coding up.
Now I won't continiue on this story, as you said in your earlier chapter is this your first story, and all of the novice mistakes are showing in it. This in itself is not a bad thing, but with limited reading time, the amount of critique that I originally had written up, and with 200+ chapters lined up waiting for me to read them are there not room in my world for a novice story when I can choose so many others. I hope that you see that as motivation to get better, to look up some tips on writing, how to make your words flow better, instead of giving up on this story. The plot is there as said, your words are just not there yet.
8980970
Thank you for your comment! My first few chapters (okay, maybe most of them) just scream novice, I definitely agree. Even I go back and see my chapters change greatly. I think I mentioned before in one of the author's notes that I planned to rewrite the story once it is finished. It needs a rewrite, that's for sure. I am proud of the story idea, though, so that won't change in the rewrite.
Again, thank you for your comment! I will definitely take into consideration your suggestions! Like I always say, constructive criticism is very much appreciated!
-AP
P.S: I am sorry you won't be reading anymore. However, I hope after the rewrite you will change your mind!