A chance encounter with a longtime friend sends Seren Starfall of the peaceful Stable 64 into a maelstrom of lies, mistrust, and bloody strife, where allies are uncertain and enemies hide themselves behind masks.
Wow that was really embarrassing to read. Did the entire universe have to cave to it own stupidity just to accommodate your pathetic Pony-sues? The same pony who sold her friend up the river in the first place suddenly killing the others to protect the same friend who clearly committed treason is highly unbelievable. Like, how are we suppose to empathize with these characters and their desperate need to escape when their has been no indication thus far that the stables, and its leaders are oppressive are even bad in the first place. Not to mention number of plot convenient things that allows the characters to get away like dad conveniently having a rare stealth buck on hand, main characters never miss there targets, a pony actually throwing a loaded gun instead of shooting it? REALLY!? These chapters are poor edited and unnecessary long as most of the pointless dialog could be easily removed without interfering with the story line. On the flipside, the story is extremely lacking in detail despite how long it is; we don't even know what half of the pony even looked like. The writing is primitive, and even the profanity comes of as tasteless and completely uncreative. Lastly these characters are completely generic, painfully boring, and heartbreaking unrelatable; Mary Sues to the max who get the way just because the story permits it.
2/10 This story is hot trash.
Comment posted by Setokaiva deleted Mar 25th, 2015
5778634 I'd have to argue against your comment here. Yes, I understand why her father having a StealthBuck is a bit farfetched, but it still makes some sense of how he could have attained it, or why he has it. Remember that room he was talking about? Y'know, the one he was fortifying. Who says that he didn't happen to come across one in there? The room itself has some sort of significance, otherwise, it wouldn't have been mentioned. There's also the fact that Seren's mother was on security and died in a "horrible accident". Maybe her mother committed treason like Seren did and was put to death. She had the StealthBuck to use in her "mission" or whatever she was doing, but since her plan never went into action, the StealthBuck was left with her husband. Her father could have thought it was a misunderstanding and, therefore, considering it an accident. Now, onto the part about the bullets always hitting, it happens. Seren was in the confined halls of a Stable during the majority of the chapter and due to the fact that every shot she took wasn't too much of a long shot, it'd make sense for her to hit her mark. And as for a pony throwing a gun, I'm not too sure what you're talking about there... Now, the detail in the story isn't too bad. Does it really matter what the characters attacking her look like? No. You don't need that much detail. There's also the fact that just about everybody knows what a Stable already looks like from the original FoE, or one of the Fallout games. The author performs descriptions when needed and that is good. Overall, the writing wasn't half bad either. It kept me thoroughly entertained throughout the narrative. While some of the dialogue could have been removed, I say it's good to keep the dialogue the author currently has. It adds realism to the story and makes the characters seem more like actual people (well, ponies in this case...). Now, for the editing you call "poor". To make me take you serious on that comment, next time, actually use correct grammar in your comment. Heck, I'm typing this on my phone and I'm still using correct grammar. Onto the reason for leaving: yes, the leader of the Stable was good. However, you try doing the same thing over and over again every day of your life and still say you're contempt with that. I'm pretty sure that Golden was forced to work in Maintenance ever since she was old enough to work. Especially because her mother was the head of it! Wouldn't you just love to do something you were forced into for the rest of your life? Man, it sure sounds fun! Lastly, you mention how the characters are generic and are overall Mary Sues. That, once again, is wrong. If they were Mary Sues, absolutely nothing bad would've happened to them. Honestly, I'm actually kinda thinking that you're a troll now with how much you hated on this story whenever it didn't really deserve that much hate. With that, I'll end my comment. Good day, sir.
Got to say i'm impressed. It's better than mine keep up the good work!
Wow that was really embarrassing to read. Did the entire universe have to cave to it own stupidity just to accommodate your pathetic Pony-sues? The same pony who sold her friend up the river in the first place suddenly killing the others to protect the same friend who clearly committed treason is highly unbelievable. Like, how are we suppose to empathize with these characters and their desperate need to escape when their has been no indication thus far that the stables, and its leaders are oppressive are even bad in the first place. Not to mention number of plot convenient things that allows the characters to get away like dad conveniently having a rare stealth buck on hand, main characters never miss there targets, a pony actually throwing a loaded gun instead of shooting it? REALLY!? These chapters are poor edited and unnecessary long as most of the pointless dialog could be easily removed without interfering with the story line. On the flipside, the story is extremely lacking in detail despite how long it is; we don't even know what half of the pony even looked like. The writing is primitive, and even the profanity comes of as tasteless and completely uncreative. Lastly these characters are completely generic, painfully boring, and heartbreaking unrelatable; Mary Sues to the max who get the way just because the story permits it.
2/10 This story is hot trash.
Looks interesting.
5778634
I'd have to argue against your comment here. Yes, I understand why her father having a StealthBuck is a bit farfetched, but it still makes some sense of how he could have attained it, or why he has it. Remember that room he was talking about? Y'know, the one he was fortifying. Who says that he didn't happen to come across one in there? The room itself has some sort of significance, otherwise, it wouldn't have been mentioned. There's also the fact that Seren's mother was on security and died in a "horrible accident". Maybe her mother committed treason like Seren did and was put to death. She had the StealthBuck to use in her "mission" or whatever she was doing, but since her plan never went into action, the StealthBuck was left with her husband. Her father could have thought it was a misunderstanding and, therefore, considering it an accident. Now, onto the part about the bullets always hitting, it happens. Seren was in the confined halls of a Stable during the majority of the chapter and due to the fact that every shot she took wasn't too much of a long shot, it'd make sense for her to hit her mark. And as for a pony throwing a gun, I'm not too sure what you're talking about there...
Now, the detail in the story isn't too bad. Does it really matter what the characters attacking her look like? No. You don't need that much detail. There's also the fact that just about everybody knows what a Stable already looks like from the original FoE, or one of the Fallout games. The author performs descriptions when needed and that is good. Overall, the writing wasn't half bad either. It kept me thoroughly entertained throughout the narrative. While some of the dialogue could have been removed, I say it's good to keep the dialogue the author currently has. It adds realism to the story and makes the characters seem more like actual people (well, ponies in this case...). Now, for the editing you call "poor". To make me take you serious on that comment, next time, actually use correct grammar in your comment. Heck, I'm typing this on my phone and I'm still using correct grammar.
Onto the reason for leaving: yes, the leader of the Stable was good. However, you try doing the same thing over and over again every day of your life and still say you're contempt with that. I'm pretty sure that Golden was forced to work in Maintenance ever since she was old enough to work. Especially because her mother was the head of it! Wouldn't you just love to do something you were forced into for the rest of your life? Man, it sure sounds fun!
Lastly, you mention how the characters are generic and are overall Mary Sues. That, once again, is wrong. If they were Mary Sues, absolutely nothing bad would've happened to them. Honestly, I'm actually kinda thinking that you're a troll now with how much you hated on this story whenever it didn't really deserve that much hate. With that, I'll end my comment. Good day, sir.