I liked the overall plot, especially the introduction. I'll have to read more chapters to see how good your storytelling and arc writing is, but so far, so good.
The big, glaring issue is your writing. It's completely filled with errors that take the reader *right* out of the story. Random commas and apostrophes are all over the place, most words aren't pluralized correctly, and there are a bunch of other issues like repeated or missing words and missing capitalization. Pay close attention to these sorts of issues, because seeing so many of them really distracts the readers from the story. Keep at it, fix those problems, and you'll have a foundation to build a really good story on.
4893283 Yeeeeeeah I've always had a problem with that. Next chapter will be cleaner I promise :) I have an editor to help me with those sorta problems. Thanks for the feedback.
4893283 What my issue really is, is that I hate reading my own work. So I write it in a rush and end up making all those mistakes because I don't go back over it because I'm too embarrassed to read back what I've written to myself :/
4893312 Lol well that's probably a big part of the problem. You gotta go over it, again and again, and really inspect every word of every sentence. Well, you don't got to really, but that's what I would do.
Overall, not bad. But there's loads of minor errors.
I'm going to help you out and point some of them out. (This comment will be huge if I point out every single one)
The sole purpose of Raiders, it would seem,
raiders. Unless you're talking about a specific group of people, you do not have to capitalize the word.
The viper nest, was the home of the raider gang
Viper Nest Any named location needs to have its name capitalized. Remove that comma as well, it's not important here.
the vipers came here to drown themselves
Vipers Specific gang names need to be capitalized.
Pony bone's and skulls were used as everything from ashtray's
Bones Ashtrays.
This seems to be a very common error here. Apostrophes are not needed in words like these. Get rid of them.
Another thing you can do is split the paragraphs into at least half. They're massive.
This has potential, and could be really good if you touch it up. Also, take that guy's advice and look over it at least a couple times. I'll help you out. (It's a good thing we know each other outside of this site)
Alright, I notice you cleaned it up a bit, and good work. But there's still lots of leftover errors, like commas in weird places and apostrophes used to pluralize. Red Angel's comment is full of examples of this. Also, read up on active vs. passive voice. For example,
"Blood was dripping from the ceiling."
Would sound a lot better as "Blood dripped from the ceiling."
And
"Several bodies were still smoldering"
would be better as "Bodies still smoldered."
I cant explain it very well myself, but like I said, googling that phrase will give you a good idea of how it works.
4908301 I remember passive voice from english class in high school. That was forever ago it seems. I'll try and keep my eye out for things like that. Thank you very much for your input.
The two aspects that stuck out at me were the lack of description and the voice used throughout the piece.
As someone who wasn't familiar with the world in question, I found it difficult to get drawn into it. I couldn't get a sense of how the world looks, of how it feels, sounds, smells and even tastes. A writer is the window through which the reader views what they see in their mind's eye, with the descriptions, similes and so on they use letting them see what the writer sees. If a reader comes upon am unfamiliar door, they won't know if it's big, wooden, black, Gothic or any of that until the writer reveals it to them.
Likewise, the voice you use is crucial to helping the reader experience their world and realize what kind of scale it has. If it's 3rd person, then they should be allowed to see the world as a movie camera would see it. If it's second person, then that world and the people in it are revealed as the friend of the story's focus sees, with the experience becoming that more intimate if it's in 1st person, and the eyes of the story's focus become the reader's eyes
Alrighty, mind if I give some constructive criticism?
I liked the overall plot, especially the introduction. I'll have to read more chapters to see how good your storytelling and arc writing is, but so far, so good.
The big, glaring issue is your writing. It's completely filled with errors that take the reader *right* out of the story. Random commas and apostrophes are all over the place, most words aren't pluralized correctly, and there are a bunch of other issues like repeated or missing words and missing capitalization. Pay close attention to these sorts of issues, because seeing so many of them really distracts the readers from the story. Keep at it, fix those problems, and you'll have a foundation to build a really good story on.
4893283 Yeeeeeeah I've always had a problem with that. Next chapter will be cleaner I promise :) I have an editor to help me with those sorta problems. Thanks for the feedback.
4893298
Not a problem, hope I didn't sound too harsh. The really important thing is to practice and have fun with it.
4893283 What my issue really is, is that I hate reading my own work. So I write it in a rush and end up making all those mistakes because I don't go back over it because I'm too embarrassed to read back what I've written to myself :/
4893312
Lol well that's probably a big part of the problem. You gotta go over it, again and again, and really inspect every word of every sentence. Well, you don't got to really, but that's what I would do.
Overall, not bad.
But there's loads of minor errors.
I'm going to help you out and point some of them out. (This comment will be huge if I point out every single one)
raiders.
Unless you're talking about a specific group of people, you do not have to capitalize the word.
Viper Nest
Any named location needs to have its name capitalized. Remove that comma as well, it's not important here.
Vipers
Specific gang names need to be capitalized.
Bones Ashtrays.
This seems to be a very common error here. Apostrophes are not needed in words like these. Get rid of them.
Another thing you can do is split the paragraphs into at least half. They're massive.
This has potential, and could be really good if you touch it up.
Also, take that guy's advice and look over it at least a couple times. I'll help you out. (It's a good thing we know each other outside of this site)
Alright, I notice you cleaned it up a bit, and good work. But there's still lots of leftover errors, like commas in weird places and apostrophes used to pluralize. Red Angel's comment is full of examples of this. Also, read up on active vs. passive voice. For example,
Would sound a lot better as "Blood dripped from the ceiling."
And
would be better as "Bodies still smoldered."
I cant explain it very well myself, but like I said, googling that phrase will give you a good idea of how it works.
4908301 I remember passive voice from english class in high school. That was forever ago it seems. I'll try and keep my eye out for things like that. Thank you very much for your input.
The two aspects that stuck out at me were the lack of description and the voice used throughout the piece.
As someone who wasn't familiar with the world in question, I found it difficult to get drawn into it. I couldn't get a sense of how the world looks, of how it feels, sounds, smells and even tastes. A writer is the window through which the reader views what they see in their mind's eye, with the descriptions, similes and so on they use letting them see what the writer sees. If a reader comes upon am unfamiliar door, they won't know if it's big, wooden, black, Gothic or any of that until the writer reveals it to them.
Likewise, the voice you use is crucial to helping the reader experience their world and realize what kind of scale it has. If it's 3rd person, then they should be allowed to see the world as a movie camera would see it. If it's second person, then that world and the people in it are revealed as the friend of the story's focus sees, with the experience becoming that more intimate if it's in 1st person, and the eyes of the story's focus become the reader's eyes
Over all, I kind of like the botched bounty hunting thing. Gives the characters the look of "Yeah I'm badass" but "I don't always get it right".
Well, the grammar and style needs a lot of help...but that ending sure made me chuckle!
-Sage
Oh.
"Casually slaughtered" the "wrong gang" of "raiders".
This looks good. >:D