We've run into a problem with differences in teachings again. I can't recall whether or not you've done this in earlier chapters or not, but when you narrate, you're doing it in present tense. I wouldn't say that's wrong, but it would look a lot better in past tense.
The intro is very good, reminded me of the original's intros. Although, near the end, it feels super rushed. Put a bit more description between that last part and the part before it.
Ah, here we are. The main point.
Her magic.
Here's my theory on it. Its a common agreement that all races have magic, and that unicorns channel it with their horns. I'm guessing Updraft learned to channel magic through her wings.
When you brought up Bora, I thought you might be making a cameo to Snowy from Fo:E Memories.
Also, you brought up Red Baron (I think that was his name...) and I must say, I'm glad you finally tied it in.
Overall, one of my favorite chapters so far. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hope the wait for the next chapter isn't so long.
5222831 Romg teh Reague of Regends! Trying to get some ranked games in before the eleventh? And yeah I really liked Elfen Lied, it's a great story if you can get past all the... promiscuous visuals
Yeah honestly I kinda agree with you about the narration, but I've yet to see anyone else do it like me (at least with a story of this scale, there are a few one shots I seem to recall...) so I think I'll stick with it. Something to make my story a little more unique if nothing else.
As for the intro... the whole thing was a bit rushed honestly... I wrote the rest of the chapter and right before I was going to publish it I remembered I wanted to include for something important that happens later. I'll definitely go back and rework it before posting next chapter.
Ah yes, her magic is a quintessential part of the story. You're basically right, but it's far more in depth than that. There are three types of magic. Arcana, which is the magic a unicorn uses by focusing through their horn. It is the most apparent magic, even though it is also the most complex Endura is the type of magic an earth pony relies on to be so strong and fast healing. Endura is the most passive magics of the three, but there are a few notable exceptions in history. Empatha, is the magic pegasi are born with, and it's perhaps the most inherent of the three. The use of empatha not only requires extreme focus like that of a unicorn, but the way in which this magic manifests is dependent upon the emotions of the pegasus using the magic. Each pegasus is only able to use magic of a certain type (Fire, Ice, and Lightning, although a pegasus being able to use lightning magic is almost unheard of) which is determined by the type of person they are. I'm not going to put any spoilers here, but if you want to read more about it here's where you can. I didn't come up with any of this by the way, that's what I always thank The 24th Pegasus and LoyalLiar for because I got permission to include this in here. They actually have their own storyverse using this, and the world building they do is incredible
Bora took me a while to think of a name for, but eventually I settled on that one, meaning "a cold and typically very dry and often gusty katabatic wind (fall-wind) from the north-east." I haven't read memories yet it's getting hard to avoid spoilers!
Oh don't you worry Red Baron will get his fair share of screen time (that big jerk!)
Really? I thought this chapter was a little slow. I needed it to introduce some important things but I was worried it would just drag on too long...
Eheheh... Actually, no. I can only play during the weekends, and this Sunday I hit lvl 30 but got banned the same game. (Stupid internet...) I may be able to squeeze in my provisionals on the 9th. I have almost no doubt I'll make at least Bronze III. Since I hit about level 10, I've been playing against bronzes/silvers, since I had made a lot of friends that were already level 30. In effect, I've been miles above my elo for a long time now. We got a group of 3 friends and we all started around the same time, and I remember we had played a game with a friend of mine who was Gold V. He was quite suprised that level 15's were pinging an mia laner or that we actually warded.
Another funny thing, I always considered anime weird and generally stayed awar from it. Only recently have I started watching anime. I would say Elfen is my... 8th anime. I would defintly say its in my top 5 though. I love anything with a great story, so if you have anything, please send me a list of good animes and heck, while you're at it, mind PM'ing me your League name? You might make a good duo que partner.
Ah yes... The story.
Hmm... While I don't quite agree with your mentality of using a different form of narration to give your story an 'individual' feel, its not my story.
story of this scale
I like how this sounds.
Really? I thought this chapter was a little slow. I needed it to introduce some important things but I was worried it would just drag on too long...
Although, near the end, it feels super rushed
I wasn't reffering to the story as a whole, just the intro. Besides, 5,000-6,000 words is a good cut off for chapter length. Not a million words long so I won't get bored, and not so short I'm unsatisfied.
I hope we get more of Red Baron, seems like an interesting arc.
Do you plan out your writing? Or do you wing it, writing down what comes to your mind?
5160475 Yeah I guess I just didn't think about it, I took a brief Hiatus from this story but I was working on some others
I only have anime and League to explain how long this took.
I had started a review, but it stagnated and forced me to logout.
*sigh*
So let's try this again.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This one's going to be rather long.
We've run into a problem with differences in teachings again. I can't recall whether or not you've done this in earlier chapters or not, but when you narrate, you're doing it in present tense. I wouldn't say that's wrong, but it would look a lot better in past tense.
The intro is very good, reminded me of the original's intros. Although, near the end, it feels super rushed. Put a bit more description between that last part and the part before it.
Ah, here we are. The main point.
Her magic.
Here's my theory on it. Its a common agreement that all races have magic, and that unicorns channel it with their horns. I'm guessing Updraft learned to channel magic through her wings.
When you brought up Bora, I thought you might be making a cameo to Snowy from Fo:E Memories.
Also, you brought up Red Baron (I think that was his name...) and I must say, I'm glad you finally tied it in.
Overall, one of my favorite chapters so far.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hope the wait for the next chapter isn't so long.
....Elfen Lied made me cry.
5222831 Romg teh Reague of Regends! Trying to get some ranked games in before the eleventh?
And yeah I really liked Elfen Lied, it's a great story if you can get past all the... promiscuous visuals
Yeah honestly I kinda agree with you about the narration, but I've yet to see anyone else do it like me (at least with a story of this scale, there are a few one shots I seem to recall...) so I think I'll stick with it. Something to make my story a little more unique if nothing else.
As for the intro... the whole thing was a bit rushed honestly... I wrote the rest of the chapter and right before I was going to publish it I remembered I wanted to include for something important that happens later. I'll definitely go back and rework it before posting next chapter.
Ah yes, her magic is a quintessential part of the story. You're basically right, but it's far more in depth than that. There are three types of magic. Arcana, which is the magic a unicorn uses by focusing through their horn. It is the most apparent magic, even though it is also the most complex Endura is the type of magic an earth pony relies on to be so strong and fast healing. Endura is the most passive magics of the three, but there are a few notable exceptions in history. Empatha, is the magic pegasi are born with, and it's perhaps the most inherent of the three. The use of empatha not only requires extreme focus like that of a unicorn, but the way in which this magic manifests is dependent upon the emotions of the pegasus using the magic. Each pegasus is only able to use magic of a certain type (Fire, Ice, and Lightning, although a pegasus being able to use lightning magic is almost unheard of) which is determined by the type of person they are. I'm not going to put any spoilers here, but if you want to read more about it here's where you can. I didn't come up with any of this by the way, that's what I always thank The 24th Pegasus and LoyalLiar for because I got permission to include this in here. They actually have their own storyverse using this, and the world building they do is incredible
Bora took me a while to think of a name for, but eventually I settled on that one, meaning "a cold and typically very dry and often gusty katabatic wind (fall-wind) from the north-east." I haven't read memories yet it's getting hard to avoid spoilers!
Oh don't you worry Red Baron will get his fair share of screen time (that big jerk!)
Really? I thought this chapter was a little slow. I needed it to introduce some important things but I was worried it would just drag on too long...
5224813
Eheheh... Actually, no. I can only play during the weekends, and this Sunday I hit lvl 30 but got banned the same game. (Stupid internet...) I may be able to squeeze in my provisionals on the 9th. I have almost no doubt I'll make at least Bronze III. Since I hit about level 10, I've been playing against bronzes/silvers, since I had made a lot of friends that were already level 30. In effect, I've been miles above my elo for a long time now. We got a group of 3 friends and we all started around the same time, and I remember we had played a game with a friend of mine who was Gold V. He was quite suprised that level 15's were pinging an mia laner or that we actually warded.
Another funny thing, I always considered anime weird and generally stayed awar from it. Only recently have I started watching anime. I would say Elfen is my... 8th anime. I would defintly say its in my top 5 though. I love anything with a great story, so if you have anything, please send me a list of good animes and heck, while you're at it, mind PM'ing me your League name? You might make a good duo que partner.
Ah yes... The story.
Hmm... While I don't quite agree with your mentality of using a different form of narration to give your story an 'individual' feel, its not my story.
I like how this sounds.
I wasn't reffering to the story as a whole, just the intro. Besides, 5,000-6,000 words is a good cut off for chapter length. Not a million words long so I won't get bored, and not so short I'm unsatisfied.
I hope we get more of Red Baron, seems like an interesting arc.
Do you plan out your writing? Or do you wing it, writing down what comes to your mind?