Rivet Turner is a maintenance pony living in Stable 12. One day while working he finds a strange message on a terminal and is thrust into the unforgiving wasteland of Equestria.
Daisy just eyed me angrily. This isn't a typo. Just a comment. This seems very verbose when "Daisy just glared." might work better.
“Come on Steadfast, what's bothering you? maybe we can help.” Rose asked him. That is surprising the m didn't get capitalized.
We all threw the rest of our food and water back into our backs and headed out. I looked up at the darkening clouds. We’ve been out of the Stable for almost five days and looking up at the sky still gave me vertigo. I pulled my eyes off the cloud layer and shook my head. “I hope it doesn’t storm.” Packs sound better.
Rose grabbed all of the healing potions that hadn’t been broken open (there was five total) along with some healing bandages and some of the clothes. Deadbolt grabbed some of the bottles of water and whatever food that didn’t appear to be rotten. I broke open another one of the crates and found some new weapons. A shotgun, but it was different than the ones I had seen so far. It had too short barrels that each only held one shot. Another pistol, again the same model as mine, it was apparently a common piece, and a large battle saddle similar to the one that Steadfast had strapped to him. I didn’t know how to work it, and it would have been too heavy to carry with us, so I left it. I topped off with some ammo for each of our weapons, including some shells for my new shotgun. Two not too.
Awesome stuff... Keep it going!
Daisy just eyed me angrily.
This isn't a typo. Just a comment. This seems very verbose when "Daisy just glared." might work better.
“Come on Steadfast, what's bothering you? maybe we can help.” Rose asked him.
That is surprising the m didn't get capitalized.
We all threw the rest of our food and water back into our backs and headed out. I looked up at the darkening clouds. We’ve been out of the Stable for almost five days and looking up at the sky still gave me vertigo. I pulled my eyes off the cloud layer and shook my head. “I hope it doesn’t storm.”
Packs sound better.
Rose grabbed all of the healing potions that hadn’t been broken open (there was five total) along with some healing bandages and some of the clothes. Deadbolt grabbed some of the bottles of water and whatever food that didn’t appear to be rotten. I broke open another one of the crates and found some new weapons. A shotgun, but it was different than the ones I had seen so far. It had too short barrels that each only held one shot. Another pistol, again the same model as mine, it was apparently a common piece, and a large battle saddle similar to the one that Steadfast had strapped to him. I didn’t know how to work it, and it would have been too heavy to carry with us, so I left it. I topped off with some ammo for each of our weapons, including some shells for my new shotgun.
Two not too.