Scene change - Kyuubi's injury - Feedback needed · 7:34pm Aug 23rd, 2020
Hello everyone.
Considering the feedback, I came to conclusion that the scene where Shining Armor injured Kyuubi seemed more harsh and more intentional than I intended, so I decided to add minor changes.
Also, it was pointed out to me that tails don't bleed, so I decided to adress it as well.
Here is the altered scene, changed as marked in bold:
Shining stomped in anger. He was more powerful than this thief, so how was she countering his magic? “I hoped to avoid it, but you’ve left me no choice.”
Gathering his raw power, he shot a beam of magic, piercing the levitating shield and Kyuubi's fourth tail, causing silverly substance mixed with fur to spill over the floor. A pained screech filled the area. Aura of magic radiated from the odd liquid.
Too focused on preventing the kitsune from reaching the exit, he shot two weaker beams, piercing her third tail and her right rear leg in an attempt to weaken her magic and reduce her mobility. Much to his shock, the large creature tripped on the floor, creating a pool of blood mixed with fur and silvery liquid.
Shining’s head became green as he resisted the urge to puke. Could it be possible that he had overestimated his foe? He underestimated her at first, not expecting she could put up this much of a fight, only to forget about the fragility of her body, The moment he pierced through her shield and magical armor while removing the healing magic, she became too vulnerable. Or maybe her tails were her weakness as he had shut down her magic by injuring them?
Long story short, Kyuubi is a magical creature with her tails playing the key role in her anathomy, I decided that instead of bleeding blood, they will bleed a liquid made of concentrated magic. (Though in a sense, this is way more important for her than blood since she can heal injuries, but running out of magic means death to her).
Another thing is to highland that Shining just tried to criple her a little, not expecting that his weakened beams would cause such massive damage. (Unlike unjuries to her main body, injury to her tails is way more fatal, something Shining was unaware of).
Please tell me what you think of it and do it fixes some of the issues this chapter have.
I find this a change voor the better. It also shows us something more about her physiology.
Definitely an improvement over what we had. Gives better context to Shiny’s actions.
Good work, I didn't mind the first iteration, but this works just as well, if not better.
Less grievous wounds for poor Kyuubi is a plus in my book. ;)
Might make the chance for reconciliation more possible.
This change definitely shows more that Shining didn't intend to harm her. While not perfect, it's definitely an improvement. You'll want to take an editing wand to it, as there's a little bit of typos and stuff, but yeah.
I'm just going to assume that the weaker beams weren't intended to pierce, correct? Like, the first shot was intended to pierce, but these weaker ones were intended to stike - leave bruises, not holes - correct?
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The first beam was meant to pierce through Kyuubi's shield, but ended up strong enough to break the shield and piece her tail.
Second beams were weakened significantly, yet still managed to do a lot of damage, showing that Shining overestimated Kyuubi and underestimated his own firepower.
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Maybe mention that he weakened his second beams in response to what happened with the first? Iunno, just my two cents. It's fine either way, I guess?