One hundred favourites and progress update. · 3:34pm Oct 30th, 2012
Hey, folks!
First, I'd like to start off by thanking all of you for a total of one hundred favourites so far!
...Okay I admit I cheated. I favourited my own story to reach three digits (and have an excuse to write this update).
Then, I would like to apologize for having you wait for... SEVEN WEEKS!?!?! I'm sorry! Quick, Apple Bloom, show them how sorry I am.
Ah, that's it.
To my defense, life has been hectic lately. School has upped the ante, I have been busy trying to get my driver's license (which I did the day before yesterday), my parents are abroad so I'm taking care of the place and my sister by myself, and my country's equivalent of the SAT test was a few days ago. Plus, both Dishonored and X-COM: Enemy Unknown came out the on the same day...
Things should hopefully calm down now, though, and I'll have more time to put into writing. That said, I haven't been completely idle. Due to a number of feedbacks, I decided to rewrite the beginning of the story. I'll go into details of what I've changed, and why.
The first, and most significant part, is the prologue. It's gone. Some of you might be sad to see it go, or maybe most of you feel it's for the better, but me, the author--who put his blood, sweat, and tears into that chapter--is very sad to see it go.
The reason is because its importance was dubious. It had little to tie it directly into the immediate story of Twilight and, while it did give the reader a way to understand the different pony societies a little bit better, there are certainly less ham-fisted ways to do it. Besides, you want to hook your readers right away, and long legal talks may not be the way to do it. And writing scenes with six characters in the same room is a b*tch!
The first chapter has, among other things, a different beginning. Nothing major, just another way to open it. It is epigraph-less for the moment, however. I'll see if that lasts or not later.
The flashback with Twilight's father is gone too. Someone brought up that it was kind of out-of-place there and that I hadn't instilled enough curiosity in the reader to warrant a flashback. And they were absolutely right. So, that's gone. Maybe I'll put the same information in chapter two.
The ending is in another place as well. I moved the ending of the chapter, with Twilight receiving the letter from her parents, from the end of the first chapter to the beginning of the second. That is something I would like some feedback on, however. I did it to make a more focused main conflict for the chapter (the rising of the sun), but I also felt the old ending made readers more anticipated for the next, and opened up a new main conflict. What do you think?
The old versions can be found here (for those who are interested):
The worst thing a writer can do is rush their work, so take as much time as you need
461970
Thanks! I plan to
Regarding the shuffling of the ending of chapter one, I think the old version worked better back when there was just one chapter, but the new version works better now that there are two. The anticipation isn't needed as much anymore. I doubt a significant number of people would turn away from the story just because the first chapter doesn't have a cliffhanger, doubly so considering that we pretty much know the answer to the cliffhanger already from the episodes.
463426
Since I seem to be fairly late on the point, and may have already stated as much on the actual fic, I'll be a bit more brief:
I agree that legalese is not the best way to start a fic like this, especially since it had nothing to do with Twilight's story.
The cliffhanger approach is great, but now neither chapter one nor two have one, so it's more like a true-- but open-- ending to both. If you've ever read The Sweetie Chronicles: Fragments, then you'll understand what I mean when I say that while cliffhangers make for a good ending, a better ending is a tease, because you can copy and paste that exact scene (Or at least a part of it) onto the front end of the next chapter. Works especially well when updates are sporadic, and the reader wants a quick way to get up-to-date on the goings on without having to skim the last chapter.
Another piece of advice that I'll give you: Take that copy of Canon MLP, rip it to shreds, pick up a little less than a third of it, and only use that. Alternate Universes are as such for a reason, and you've made a great start on it. Just remember to continue changing it.
For one example: Applebuck Season. If you incorporate this episode into your story, maybe have Twilight practically force Applejack to accept her help. Maybe have it be something as simple as healing Big Mac, since they wouldn't normally have access to a unicorn doctor.
Griffon the Brush-off could well be done in the same way. Make Gilda a tad worse than she was, and of course have her belittle somepony for not having wings. Then have Dash be the one to confront her on her dickishness, and skip the party sequence, because I get the feeling that that would be a bit more childish than this story needs.
Of course, the biggest thing you could do in this universe is to not have the Element bearers become best friends at all. Maybe have Pinkie break up a fight between Dash and AJ, or Rarity scoff at Fluttershy for being so... "flighty".