Author Interview » Bad_Seed_72's "Anxiety" [Royal Canterlot Library] · 12:48pm Sep 19th, 2014
Today's story takes us on a journey beyond Sombra's door to remind us that the scariest villains are often the ones inside our heads.
Anxiety
[Sad] [Dark] [Slice of Life] • 10,788 words
What Spike saw in the doorway of King Sombra's crystal palace hasn't left his mind. The fear of Twilight abandoning him haunts him through recurrent nightmares. Anxiety taunts him when he's at his most vulnerable, reminding him of all his failures, all his inadequacies, all his wounds.
One night, this fear and anxiety manifests itself in a full-blown nightmare, dragging Spike face-to-face with his greatest fear: What if Twilight never needed Spike in the first place?
FROM THE CURATORS: One of the core strengths of Friendship Is Magic is its unapologetic sincerity — taking a premise designed to pitch moral lessons (and sell toys) to young girls, and imbuing it with a depth and richness that holds adults' attention too, without ever forgetting its roots. The notion that friendship literally is magic, and that it holds a power relevant to our own lives, is fundamental both to the show and the fandom surrounding it.
Anxiety examines that core premise through the lens of its adult audience — Spike is suffering from problems that will be all too familiar to some of us. "It's a great look at anxiety attacks, low self-esteem, and the mental blocks that can come with those to keep sufferers from seeking help," Present Perfect said, and Bradel agreed: "This tallies really well with my experience of depression." The beauty of the story is that it still holds true to FiM's core message in a relevant and honest way: Spike is in over his head, as it can often seem to those who live with mental illness, and it's togetherness and understanding that will save both him and us.
What impressed us was not only the authenticity of the topics and emotions, but also of Anxiety's characterization. Chris found Spike well-done: "Too many authors turn Spike into a grown up. … Spike's reactions feel real precisely because he acts like a frightened kid." Bradel agreed, also pointing out that "Spike characterization is always hard, since he resides in this weird, nebulous middle ground between child and adult."
Finally, the strength of Anxiety's closing message was singled out for praise. "The talk by Twilight at the end of the piece just knocks it out of the park for me," Bradel said. "It really sticks the landing."
Read on for our author interview, in which Bad_Seed_72 discusses forgetting, Best Pony surprises, not being alone, and forgetting.
Give us the standard biography.
Once upon a time, in a galaxy not so far away, on a dark winter’s night, the world was graced with the unholy terror that is [REDACTED], a.k.a Bad_Seed_72. It was on the eve of my birth that the five signs of Valhalla were gathered outside the hospital unfortunate enough to welcome me into the world, and it was only through the valiant efforts of—
Haha, kidding. Truthfully, there isn’t too much for me to tell. Let’s see… I’m incredibly old (twenty-two), female (last time I checked), (extremely) gay, and, most importantly, a huge nerd all around.
I’ve spent the last four years working in security (the cool computer stuff, not the Paul Blart stuff), but I hope to con someone into paying me to write someday. That way I have more time to binge-watch Netflix and fangirl hopelessly over obscure shippings no one cares about.
How did you come up with your handle/penname?
I actually registered on Fimfiction a year or so before I wrote my first story. I was The_Dragon and all I did was comment on a few stories. When I decided to write my first story, I settled on “Bad Seed” (due to my love of Babs Seed), then added the inverse of my favorite number (27). And, of course, underscores are cool.
Who's your favorite pony?
I’ve been asked this question several times before, and people always expect me to answer Babs Seed and/or Apple Bloom, but...
Honestly? Applejack. (See what I did there?)
With the arguable exception of Twilight, of the Mane Six, Applejack has the strongest head on her shoulders. She’s hardworking, down-to-Earth, loyal, faithful, strong, and determined. She knows what’s important (family and friends) and protects and cultivates it relentlessly. She’s loving and caring, but she can also be a raging storm if she needs to be. She’s the epitome of a strong female character, but she has flaws, too—real ones, relatable ones, that she has to grapple with and overcome.
TL;DR AJ is best pone.
What's your favorite episode?
“Somepony To Watch Over Me”.
The interaction between AJ and Apple Bloom (along with the other CMCs) is absolutely hilarious, and the lesson is relevant and heartwarming. Every older parent or sibling has to learn to let go as the kids grow up. It’s hard, but it’s necessary, and it’s both beautiful and humbling. I love the episodes that hit home like that.
Plus, AJ kicking timberwolf butt.
What do you get from the show?
It served its purpose in my life. It provided entertainment, insight, laughter, reflection, and even a lesson or two. It helped me through a long, dark night of my soul and gave me the inspiration to write when I hadn’t written anything in years. It helped me discover my slight spark of talent and my budding drive to further that. It helped me meet tons of wonderful people, one of whom I love very much.
I will always look upon it fondly.
What do you want from life?
There was a stage in my life where I was partying every night, going to nice restaurants, going to casinos every weekend, buying tons of new clothes and electronics, etc. I used to own three flatscreen TVs and four different gaming systems, along with hundreds of games and movies. The list goes on.
It was nice, but… none of that made me happy.
It took me several years to find out what does make me happy, and that’s being with those that I love and care about. Family, friends, my girlfriend… It doesn’t matter what we’re doing, where we are, or how much money is in my wallet. As long as we’re together, I’m happy.
I desire a simple life. A life where I can make time for those I love, rather than working overtime to buy the newest gadget or a fancy car. A life where I can work part-time (or write) and have enough money to pay the bills, spend time with my loved ones, and have enough left for a little traveling each summer. A life focused on love, experience, and fulfillment, rather than the endless tail-chasing of fame, fortune, and possessions.
If the (wo)man who dies with the most toys wins, I will leave this world a loser. And I will be happy with that.
Why do you write?
I write because the process of struggling with the questions—What is the meaning of life? What is love? What is loss? What is the right thing to do? etc.—is more important than finding the answers. I write because I don’t have all the answers, and I know I can’t find them, but writing makes that okay, and makes the world a little more beautiful and understandable to me.
I write because, if I don’t, I have all these ideas knocking around in my head, begging to be explored. I can only take so much noise!
Most of all, I write because, as Hemingway said, writing is akin to opening a vein onto the page.
Writing is not just creativity for me; it is therapy. Not just in the cathartic sense, but also in the, “Oh my God, I created something,” sense. The wonder you feel after creating something is such a euphoric feeling that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give it up completely.
What advice do you have for the authors out there?
Write for yourself, and only for yourself. I don’t mean to imply that writing something in memoriam or dedication to someone else is a bad thing. What I mean is that you shouldn’t let anyone bully you into writing something you don’t want to. If you ever do that, whether it’s just a paragraph, a chapter, or an entire story, you will come to regret it. Stay true to your own heart, and your own heart alone.
Never give up. Never stop improving. Never stop fighting the tidal wave of opposition you will face—and you will face it—that says that you can’t make it. You can. You will. Prove anyone who says you can’t wrong. Make them eat their words.
Finally, get good editors and listen to them. No one likes criticism, but it is a necessity to creative growth. Don’t take constructive criticism personally. Even if your soul is bleeding all over the page, the critics are attacking the words themselves—not you.
How do stories about mental health issues help the reader?
Stories about mental health issues help the reader in the same way stories about death and dying, or addiction, or growing up, etc. do. They whisper to the reader that they are not alone in their struggles. They whisper that they are not beyond help or hope. They give them a reason, if only for that moment, to no longer regard themselves as wounded beyond repair.
Stories such as these are important in our society—especially American society, where mental health treatment is unobtainable for many, inadequate for some of those fortunate enough to receive it. The degree to which mental illness has been stigmatized is saddening, especially considering the ultimate consequences of leaving it untreated. Mental illness can be life-threatening, and it should be treated as such. You just don’t “get over it”.
Any form of support for those who suffer from mental illness, whether it’s in a story or something far greater, should be recognized as important. We’re all in this together, bodies and minds, and we should not be shamed or made to feel weak for any sickness we may have, regardless of its nature.
What inspired the “voice” Spike hears?
Both my own “voice” and the “voices” of those I know who have struggled with similar things gave me inspiration.
While the “voice” is definitely not a uniform representation of the experiences of those who struggle with anxiety disorders and/or depression, many in the comments section said it was a good or accurate representation.
Though we don’t know everything about mental illness, and each person’s anxiety manifests differently, there are some common threads. Self-depreciation, second-guessing, rumination, catastrophizing, etc. Another common symptom is short-term memory loss (i.e. when Spike begins to question if he bought an apple from Big Macintosh).
I think many of the readers (judging by the comments) missed the memory part of Spike’s symptoms, but I want to address it here. The way I understand it, when your anxiety is occupying the majority of your thoughts, it’s easy to forget things (either due to preoccupation or memories just not being processed correctly).
Before I was diagnosed and treated for my anxiety, I was seriously beginning to worry if there was something wrong with me neurologically because of how often I would forget things. It wasn’t until I went through therapy and learned how to keep my anxiety in check that my memory returned to normal. It’s this symptom that leads to the climax of the story, and one of the most distressing for Spike.
While not every reader may find the “voice” relatable, at the very least, I hope its inclusion has served to educate.
Is Twilight also suffering as Spike is?
Yes, without a doubt.
Though we haven’t seen Twilight have a full-on panic attack since “Lesson Zero,” the thing about anxiety is that it can never really be “cured”. The thoughts and fears that manifest as anxiety can be countered, analyzed, and dismissed until they don’t produce the same physical symptoms, but they are still there. They will come back, and they will have to be dealt with again. Most importantly, there’s no telling that “Lesson Zero” will be Twilight’s last panic attack (or other physical manifestation of symptoms), either.
Twilight’s fears of disappointing Princess Celestia (along with the catastrophe she imagines as a result) may have been assuaged, but she still has anxiety, even if she can keep it in check. I think that she and Celestia had a deep conversation after “Lesson Zero” about why exactly she reacted the way she did to this imagined fear, what it meant, and how she could prevent it. I think that conversation is why we haven’t seen a similar panic attack since (yet).
Twilight being the intellectual, rational pony she is, is definitely well-equipped to handle those thoughts and keep them in check to the best of her ability. From her own experiences, she is able to help Spike with his anxiety as well, and be the best ally she can be (shy of a therapist) while he learns to cope.
Did Sombra’s door implant the anxieties in Spike or awaken doubts and fears that he already possessed?
Those doubts and fears were already there, buried beneath the surface. It was the trauma of seeing Twilight disown him that triggered both the nightmares as well as the acute manifestations of anxiety.
While some may interpret this as PTSD, I was more going for adjustment disorder—anxiety in response to a major life change, loss, or event (not necessarily traumatic, but it can be). In both PTSD and adjustment disorder, past stresses/traumas can be brought up and mixed with the triggering event, confounding the sources of distress. Spike’s doubts about himself and his actions, his relationship with Rarity, etc., and the nightmares after seeing the door were all sources of his anxiety, though only the latter triggered it directly.
Is there anything else you'd like to add?
Thank you for this interview and for inducting my story into the Royal Canterlot Library. I’m glad so many people enjoyed the story and were touched by it. I hope that Anxiety helped to show some of us who have heard the voice that we are not alone.
Though my time in the brony fandom has come to an end, I am grateful for this final honor, and thank you all once again for all you have given me. I wish you all the best!
You can read Anxiety at FIMFiction.net. Read more interviews at the Royal Canterlot Library, or suggest stories to feature at our Fimfiction group.
Probably the biggest loss the fandom has suffered. Bad_Seed, if for some odd reason you should read this, know that I miss you dearly, and this site lost a little bit of light when you left. I fully respect and support your reasons for leaving, but it doesn't change the fact that your presence shall be missed by all that matter.
Too bad she's not writing anymore.
Um...?
2466705
Also, this.
A true shame...
Took fanfic too serious and left.
This is beyond deserving of the credit.
~Skeeter The Lurker
It's great to see her get the recognition she truly deserves. For a phenomenal writer and person, I'm happy to see her story get featured in the wake of her unfortunate but understandable leave.
Just remember, guys, that she has an email address. If you ever want to give her a call, so to speak, do it.
hey babs are you still going to write? if so let me know so I can still follow you, just because you don't write pone related things, doesn't mean you still wouldn't write quality stuff
I still sometimes reread this story. It's one of the best stories I have ever had the pleasure of finding. This must have been an difficult story to actually put down into words. Anxiety in some forms is a mere feeling, a worry that consumes and hurts, that can't be argued with. The way Bad_Seed_72 was able to put it into words is what makes this such a fantastic piece of literature.
I hope Bad_Seed someday self publishes something on Amazon or somewhere and piggybacks on her fame here to start selling her own books.
2466772 She doesn't write anymore. Well, no more stories and such. She's got one incomplete story on her account and she's working on finishing that in one big update, but that'll be the end of it. So there's no point in following her.
Anxiety was [is] a great story, and I can't think of more worthy of a writer to get an interview spotlight.
Miss ya, Bad.
God damn, it's great to see her words again.
2466705 seconded all the way
2466706 *for this fandom
2466705 Damnation, Jake. Don't remind me.
We miss you so much, Bad!!
I'm glad you got this final honor, pal. Celestia knows ya deserve it *huggles*
2466719
It happens to the best and worst of us, no matter what fandom we become involved in.
I miss editing for her...
I don't really like the idea behind leaving fandoms. Barring situations when you stop liking something altogether or a fandom gets 'ruined' for you or you know real life, I just can't see someone just up and leaving. Hell, I rp a character from a game I've only played once...about two years ago. Writing and fandom is a weird ass thing. If you still like pony and still like fanfic I don't see a reason why you would never return to here.
TL;DR I have faith that this isn't the last we'll see of Bad_Seed. Maybe she won't really stick around much. But still.
Or maybe I'm just mad I never got to meet her. She sounds a bit like me in certain regards and an altogether radical gal.
I miss her terribly; she was clearly on her way to becoming one of the greats.
2466705
Friggin' seconded. She's always got friends here if she ever comes back, or needs someone to talk to.
But her stories are so good...
Never Forget
Damn, this made me miss Bad all over again.
I've always wanted to have Twilight come to the realization that:
"Spike's greatest fear was losing me. My greatest fear could have been losing Spike--or my older brother, or my parents, or my friends. But no. My greatest fear was flunking out of school.
"What kind of pony does that make me?"
2466911 yeah, i meant if she had an account on fanfiction or some other indie writing site
2466705
I wholeheartedly agree!
2467773
A pony who's totally confident that those she loves love her back.
Just because something is not your greatest fear doesn't mean it wouldn't be the worst possible thing that could happen to you, if it did. It could mean you're not afraid of it because you are certain it can't happen.
Twilight's entire identity is based around her striving to be the most knowledgeable, the best trained, the smartest... because she's one of the most powerful unicorns ever, and after her experience with her initial magic surge, I think Twilight is terrified of losing control. Flunking out of school is the worst possible thing because it disappoints everyone who loves her and believes in her, it violates her sense of self, and it would mean failing to protect the world from herself -- if she can't succeed at learning what she needs to learn, then her power is dangerous.
Someday, maybe Spike's greatest fear will be losing control of his dragon nature, but so far, that's only happened once; most of the time, he's small and pretty harmless, so he's a lot more concerned about what he can't do than what he can't stop himself from doing. Right now, though, he's the only dragon in a world of ponies, he has no official relationships (Twilight is not legally his mother or sister), and he's younger than all his closest friends. It's natural that his fear would be abandonment. But Twilight is an adult who has never been abandoned, so she's secure in that area. Spike's still a child, and Spike was quite possibly abandoned by his parents; he has a close relationship with the ponies who've raised him, but he still knows, somedragon laid him and then didn't raise him, and that causes feelings of abandonment among many adopted human children, why not Spike?
2467773 Actually, her greatest fear was losing Princess Celestia, just as her dream in life is to be like Princess Celestia and to help others like Princess Celestia. Twilight was sad about the test, sure, but ultimately that was nothing compared to Celestia disowning her. She starts crying and is paralyzed by it. And this isn't the only time we see this. Look at what happens when she ascends. She is explicitly told that she just graduated with flying colours. Her immediate reaction is one of fear and sadness, because it means she won't be Celestia's student any more. The moment Celestia informs her that they will always share a bond, she's reassured.
It's also worth noting she already has been abandoned by all of her friends before, both in A Canterlot Wedding and in Return Of Harmony (and later in Princess Twilight Sparkle). You don't fear something nearly as much once you've been through it, and both times she was left behind by her friends she was able to find acceptance with them again easily enough. Notice in that in her first time she is broken to the point of despair, in the second she is left in tears and heartbroken, but still capable of seeing what she did wrong, and by the third time she does a little soul-searching
and then goes after them. So, no, basically, it's completely understandable what Twilight saw through that door.
2468196
2473002
There is something in what you both say, and I want to clarify: I don't think Twilight's at fault or to blame for having been exploited by Sombra's trap in the way she was. That would be blaming the victim. But years later, when she was no longer a victim, she might come to blame herself.
Why? Well, see, I was thinking of the conundrum posed by an old (heh--well, to you, probably) movie: The Frisco Kid.
Ever seen it? Suppose I told you Willy Wonka teamed up with Han Solo. In the Old West.
celluloidheroreviews.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/02/frisco_kid.jpg
That's The Frisco Kid.
And there's a soliloquy by Gene Wilder's character, a young Rabbi fresh from Poland who's been charged with taking an official text of the Torah from an established congregation in New York to a new one in San Francisco, who are building a new temple. It's right at the end of the movie, and...well, I won't spoil it for you, but it speaks of (not "to"--gah, hate that usage) it speaks of how one's obligations to those who stand with us in utmost need, are more important than obligations to texts, scholarship and even teachers.
Little brothers who need you and look up to you are more important than the teachers you need and look up to. That's a fact. Twilight could be excused for not having realized this fully when she was younger, but she would when she was older and--she's not in the habit of making excuses for herself.
So she would, to achieve resolution of the rather serious question he had posed to herself, have to be brought around to the realization that she was much younger at the time, that she didn't really appreciate the seriousness of losing a relative (you don't, really, until they start to die), and that this lack of experience was not a flaw, but it was a weakness--a weakness that Sombra exploited.
Because that's the kind of pony Sombra was: one who found and exploited others' weaknesses.
2473376 I again have to disagree, because I think Celestia and Twilight's bond is far more meaningful than simply student and teacher, and much more than you are making it out to be. I think what they have is every bit as important and deep as what Spike and Twilight have. Look at how they behave around one another during S4 after Twi has graduated. They hug each other. They cry for one another's pain. They cuddle and laugh and tell each other about their deepest desires, pains and fears. Basically, I have to completely disagree with your statements on the importance of Twilight' visions and fears. Her fear was every bit as valid as Spike's, and she did a fine job comforting Spike in much the same way Celestia comforts her when she is afraid or upset about the meaning of their bond, or the way the M6 comforted Applejack and Pinkie Pie when they thought their relationships with the others were falling apart and not important to the others.
2473395
Hm. We seem to be in disagreement about the true nature of the relationship between a Deity...
l.popoffka.ru/ponies/alicorns%20%26%20discord/celestia/3441__princess-celestia_sun_celestia_artist-shadowsquirrel_summer-sun-celebration.jpg
...and a Savior...
th08.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2012/188/0/c/princess_luna_and_twilight_sparkle_hugging_by_90sigma-d51445e.png
...and NOTHING BAD COULD EVER COME OF THAT, right?
2473428 I think that is quite a crack-ish way of looking at them, but okay. Twilight Sparkle died for our sins. Why not?
In seriousness, though, I think that it has nothing to do with Twilight's value of knowledge and schooling and more to do with who she loves most in the world. That Celestia is her favouritest pony ever is not news to anyone at this point, either. Her song in The Best Night Ever. Her panic attacks during Lesson Zero. Her reaction to meeting Celestia being to devote her life to becoming more like her.
I don't see it as a sign of Twilight's weakness. Just a statement on how much she loves Celestia, and who the two of them value most in their lives.