Outside Insight Wrap-Up · 2:57pm Sep 4th, 2014
Hey folks,
If you were following the Equestria Daily “Outside Insight” contest, you may have seen that my story, The Last Trumpet's Call, managed to snag second place. It was a tight race, with only three points between first and second, but Aquaman's “I am Demon” managed to beat it out. Those of you who remember Obs' “Most Dangerous Game” contest might recall that I barely edged out Aquaman for first place in that contest, so I can't be too upset with him for beating me this time around.
Now we just need a tiebreaker of some kind. Anyone have a set of dueling pistols?
You can check out the full results here. Read below for my thoughts on each of the finalists, as well as a few runners-up and honorable mentions.
I'll be tackling these in order, starting with my favorites. Also, for most of these I will only be writing my thoughts on the story instead of a summary. You can get that part here.
1. Queen of Queens, by JawJoe.
We'll start with my favorite and my pick for first place, JawJoe's excellent vision of Changeling society and its flawed hero, Chrysalis. As someone who just wrote a Changeling fic, I have to say that JJ's approach was one of the most original I've ever stumbled across.
Most changeling stories, mine included, pose that Chrysalis is long-lived or immortal, while the drones are just that: disposable. JawJoe upends that cliché, giving us drones who live forever, with a queen that dies every twenty years. Burdened with such a short life, each queen must fight from day one to make their mark on society, to become immortal through their deeds and legacy.
Chrysalis, in this telling, is a tragic character in the classic sense – a hero with a flaw that dooms them. She is consumed with avenging an ancient wrong, and the path she goes down ends up costing her almost everything. It is only in the story's final scene that she manages a rehabilitation of sorts, and gives the reader some hope that her fall was not in vain.
Stylistically, JawJoe manages to top his most popular work, Night Shift. The creativity he puts into his world-building spans the entire spectrum: great, with the society he creates; to small, with the indelible names he gives his drones. Everything fits together. It is a world that hardly seems to fit in the FiM universe, but remains cohesive throughout.
My favorite stories are ones where characters must make critical, morally significant choices. What they decide determines whether the story is ultimately tragic or heroic. A protagonist should not be a slave to events – they should create them, or your story is not about the characters but rather the events, and for that I could be reading a history book. Characters, characters, characters – that is how you write, and it is what JawJoe has done here.
I wish this story would have won. So, why didn't it? I assume the judges, when faced with the top 10 or so stories and not having much in the way of determining which ones were better written, decided to judge by the prompt. Namely, was the story 1) about ponies, and 2) from a non-pony perspective? Queen of Queens is definitely from a non-pony perspective, but you could argue that ponies themselves barely feature in it. I don't think it suffers for that, but this was a contest, and the judges ultimately had to measure it based on those requirements. Anyway, go check this one out, guys. Again, great job JJ.
2. Rise, by Blueshift
Bloo finished his story earlier than most of us, so I had the chance to read it before submitting 'Trumpet.
It worried me. It was really good.
Where most of us chose a perspective that was as strong, or at least equal to ponies, Blue went as far down the scale he could, finding the most helpless, insignificant of races: the Breezies. He gives us a colony of the creatures, and like JawJoe, he plays with our sense of time – Breezies live, it seems, but a year. They live completely apart from ponies, though they managed to live right under their noses. They are small, and weak, and even the most absent of pony gestures – harvesting apples, or driving a cart – can spell life or death for them.
Misty is a young Breezy, about to set out on her coming-of-age quest. In her society, ponies are both gods and monsters. They must be fought, but also avoided, for to draw their attention would bring certain doom.
Against this backdrop, Breezy society is also rather starkly self-reliant. Adult Breezies who cannot fly are left to die. They will not carry each other; their motto is “I lift myself,” which seems so much weightier for all that Breezies themselves are small and weak. In one stroke, Blueshift tells us exactly how much this sense of weakness has shaped their society.
But this contest is supposed to be about ponies, and as with JawJoe's story, I think that might have hurt it in the judge's final accounting. We get a perspective on ponies, but it is distorted and selective. This is ultimately a story about Breezies from the perspective of Breezies, but honestly that was enough for me. It's the best of that very-specific genre, at any rate.
I did share one quibble with many readers: at the end of the story, Misty's father has a rather abrupt change of heart on a matter of critical importance. Blue later said that he salted the story with hints as to this change, and looking back, they were there, but I apparently didn't connect them the way he was hoping. Aside from that, it was a quality story like we've come to expect from Blueshift.
3. An Outsider's Perspective, by Kavonde
I'd never read anything of Kavonde's before this. Apparently, he took a year-long break from the fandom, and was only lured back by this contest.
I'll just say up front that this was by far the best comedy of the contest. It was my dark horse vote for first place – if it weren't so absurd, I think it would have won easily.
And yes, it is absurd. An elder god of Lovecraftian descent suddenly wakes upon Ponyville, and proceeds to make friends with all the colorful little mortals.
Here's a quick snippet, which captures why I love this story so much:
I lowered my eyes again. "Thank you, Applejack. I swear that I shall never harm your garden again, at least until this universe's preordained doom comes to pass and I must sweep forth to cleanse all light and life from this world and all others."
The next day, I helped Fluttershy feed her ducks.
My favorite comedies are the ones that take an absurd idea and play it straight, forcing the characters to go along for the ride.
I wish I could quote this entire story. It's just perfect.
I'm going to stop numbering stories now, because the order isn't so firm in my mind. Generally, though, the ones I liked more are higher in this list.
Changeling: The Movie, by Obselescence
This was another early one I read, and I think it did well as a comedy. Obs did sneak in a final scene from Twilight Sparkle's perspective, which was technically against the rules, but whatevs.
After her defeat at the hooves of Shining Armor and Cadence, Queen Chrysalis decides she needs to learn about ponies. And what better way than to make a documentary about them?
The comedy here is mostly about the misunderstandings that crop up between the two races. The changelings are fascinated by desk lamps and edible trees; the ponies are mostly just terrified. [Side note: I have a soft spot for stories that poke fun of ponies' high-strung, panicky nature.] There's even a nod to some deeper plot by the changelings to infiltrate ponykind, but it doesn't occupy much of the story's oxygen.
I know Obs more for his contemplative stories, so this was a bit of a break from the usual for him. Sadly, as a comedy, it didn't make me laugh as much as Kavonde's entry, and there's only space in my heart for one comedy per contest. Still, a good effort, and certainly worthy of its top-10 spot.
Cranky Doodle's Bad Asssssss Day, by Einhander
I guess my first question is, why is the word “Ass” drawn out? Is it because there are multiple asses in the story?
Anyway, I liked this much more than I expected. I'm not, generally, a person who enjoys donkeys as characters, but Einhander gives us a protagonist who is not only surly and misanthropic, but very sympathetic as well.
How much must it burn, to live in Equestria as something other than a pony? To know that your race is not the chosen race? That there are gods, but they are not in your image? To know that you are not the protagonist in this universe?
That's Cranky's life. He sees ponies who have everything handed to them. Who breeze through life with joy and ease that non-ponies will never experience. Who aren't just blessed – they don't even realize they are blessed.
And so, understandably, Cranky hates ponies, and the one he hates the most is his best friend among the ponies, Pinkie Pie. She is always helping him, she found his lost love for him, and now, on this very special Hearts and Hooves day, she is trying to help him some more. And in doing so, she manages to ruin everything for him.
My only complaint about this story is that it basically chickens out at the end. Surprise! It turns out Pinkie knew what was best all along, and ponies really are better than donkeys, and Cranky's relationship is saved again, in spite of his tremendous efforts, rather than because of them. There was so much hate in Cranky's life, so much well earned hate, and in the end it's all dismissed for nothing. Cranky is still a donkey in the land of ponies, where everything is perfect as long as you're a pony, and everything he has is thanks to a pony. How much better I would have liked it had this story stuck to its guns. Alas.
Moonlight Palaver, by Carabas
If you like world building, Carabas has a story for you. On the night of Nightmare Moon's triumph, we attend a conclave with the lords of the gryphons, dragons, donkeys, goats (ibexes?), cows and sheep, all of whom are reasonably concerned that the sun hasn't risen, and also that Celestia was apparently overthrown by the vengeful spirit of her long-banished sister.
So, world-building, check. But is this story about ponies? Aside from a few choice bits, it is not. It is about each of those other nations, and to be fair, it is quite creative with them. In very short sketches, it presents believable portraits of the other races of the world and their empires. Some of them are even quite creative – the sheep are ruled by the Tyrant Fairy Floss; the ibexes are ruled by a sentient, inanimate artifact.
But the ponies? We don't see as much of them. Well written, but I'm not sure I agree with the judges that it met the contest prompt so well.
Pride, by InquisitorM
Pride made it to the final round, but not into the top 10. InquisitorM's distinctive style of writing is probably to blame.
InquisitorM takes very literally the injunction “Show, don't Tell.” This is perfectly fine – in fact, it's commendable, and works wonderfully in one of his other stories, “The Boy who Cried Wolf.” When you're reading an InquisitorM story, you don't get much in the way of hints or context. You get what the characters are doing, saying, feeling, or thinking, right now. Everything else? That's for you to discover yourself. Sometimes it works like a dream. Other times it feels like the author is teasing you, deliberately keeping you from some critical piece of information that you need to make all the other pieces fit together.
InquisitorM's writing is evocative. It hits you in the face. Consider this entirely ordinary line:
“Bluebelle, come away from there,” the nearby mother said.
Bluebelle: such a typically obvious, pointless, and worthless name. So utterly pony. At least if they called themselves Weakling, or Herd-Slave it would be an honest appraisal of their culture.
Everything is like that. It's powerful. But context is a thing, and all through 'Pride' I had the nagging feeling that I was missing something. That if only I knew a few extra details – regular things, stuff that all the characters would already know, but just happened to have occurred off screen or before the start of the narrative – it would make more sense to me.
So, Pride gets an honorable mention.
My Father Used to Say, by Nightwalker
Alas, this one didn't make it into the final round. This was an early favorite among some of our review-minded readers (i.e. InquisitorM) and after seeing all the positive press, I decided to give it a go.
It was a good story. Long story short, Gilda has uprooted herself and moved to Appleloosa, where she finds herself the sole gryphon in a town of mostly earth ponies. She is their bete noir, being the bad guy when they need one, but ultimately serving herself and the town.
The story itself wasn't very deep or provocative, but Nightwalker has a nice voice for characters. Gilda in this story is believable and sympathetic; the world she lives in breathes with the best of them. If you like Gilda or Appleloosa, this is a good one to check out.
Sylphidine, by RazgrizS57
This was a pretty tough one for me. Raz attempted an extreme outside perspective, one that uses different senses than we're used to. The result is a deliberately confusing narrative that takes a while to really understand.
I also had trouble with the way the perspective seemed to jump around, from the sylph to Twilight. Take this:
She stammers and blinks, staring at the empty space in front of her snout. Her chest suddenly feels heavy, a pressure on her ribs like she just ascended the tallest the mountain. Adrenaline pulses and for an instant she becomes lightheaded. But this queer sensation passes just as fast, and soon thereafter it’s like it never happened. Now only the pressure remains.
That's Twilight's perspective, but the paragraph before it was from the Sylph's perspective. Quite aside from this whole contest being about non-pony perspectives, you really can't jump around heads like that. It's just too confusing.
Still, for a completely original perspective, Raz gets some points.
Little Apple, by Oroboro
I honestly only skimmed this one, since I'm not a huge fan of pet-perspective stories. That said, it got a lot of good reviews, and if you're a fan of Winona, you might enjoy it.
Of course, this leads us to...
Old Friends, by Bad Horse
I'm just going to quote Present Perfect:
As I tend to say about experimental art, experiments can sometimes fail.
A good effort, but for me, it didn't pan out.
We Who With Songs Beguile, by Loganberry
Loganberry gets points right off the bat for choosing one of the odder perspectives – Fluttershy's songbirds. He gives them names, personalities, hopes, dreams, and everything we associate with protagonists.
The style of writing is first-person, “by the campfire” voice, meaning the whole thing is essentially a stream-of-consciousness. The main bird character is talking to other birds, and that's the narrative. It can work, and sometimes it's an excellent way of developing a character's voice, but I have to confess I would have liked a bit more of a story here. Instead, it's basically just some characters complaining about their lives. It's a one-trick pony if you will: a neat perspective you probably haven't considered before. Take that away and there's not much left.
Okay, the one you've been waiting for!
I am Demon, by Aquaman
You've probably read this by now, and know that it relies on what we normally consider a gimmick – colored text. Some people are fans, some people are not. I tend to judge each instance by its merits.
In this case? I thought it worked.
The perspective is a windigo, and without spoiling the whole story, it ends up following Clover the Clever around, believing her to be its parental figure. Clover, incidentally, hates windigoes with a passion, and because windigoes thrive on hatred, this does nothing to dissuade her little buddy from following her everywhere.
So, neat concept, neat trick with the colored text. What else?
There are multiple conflicts here, which is a sign of good storytelling. Unfortunately, I had trouble getting into the pony-on-pony conflict Aqua introduces. It felt a little forced, and the wrap-up was a little too pat. “Clover hates windigo, but then windigo saves Clover from another pony, and now Clover's just fine with windigo.” Yeah, that's oversimplifying things, but not by much.
This will probably sound like I'm just a sore loser, but ultimately I thought Aqua's last contest entry, “Far from the Tree,” was a better outing. The relationships in it were more nuanced, more complex, and said more about the human condition than anything in “I am Demon.” It might not have won, but I'd have liked to have read something more like that.
On the other hand, a bunch of judges loved it, so I might be off the mark, here.
Finally, some brief thoughts on “The Last Trumpet's Call.”
I did not expect it to place second. Honestly, I was hoping for fourth, or maybe fifth place. JawJoe and Blueshift's entries were, in my opinion, more deserving of the top spots. But, like I said about Aqua's story, the judges apparently felt otherwise. I'm honored they felt it deserved to be considered so highly.
I don't think I'll be writing in first-person again any time soon. That was a deliberate choice for this contest, but now that it's over, I think I'll return to my old standby, limited-third person. It's more flexible, more comfortable, and gives me more narrative freedom.
Next story will be coming out in a few weeks, by the way. Cutie Mark Crusaders fans, be warned.
Congrats on second place. Also, great to see that you are doing okay still.
It's gonna be so awesome
Mah nig-nog.
On the one hand, I'm kinda disappointed that story didn't place higher. On the other, the ones that beat it were still pretty excellent, so I'm not too upset
Also, the fact that it's a genuinely unique play on changelings, despite how overdone they often are, is worth shouting from the rooftops.
Good game, man. Always next time, I guess, whereupon I will rip out your heart and hold it up for the fawning masses to appraise. :D
I sorta knew I'd be playing a dangerous game (ohoho) going into a contest with comedy, so placing tenth (and making it approximately high on your list) is pretty solid for my expectations. Though I wish I could've occupied that space in your heart. I knew I'd be doing changelings for this contest, since they're perhaps the most interesting non-pony race for me, but I also knew I 'd sort of explored most of what I'd want to do with them on an emotional level. So I went for comedy, because I hadn't done that take on them yet. Guess it turned out all right, all said.
Also, yeah, I do kind of have this weird oscillation going between comedy and contemplative. I have no idea why, honestly.
ANYWAY, 'grats on your second place, sir. Gotta read all the winners myself.
What can I say, I like experimenting with my writing.
As far as the bit with the perspective goes, we're still actually following the sylph's perspective. A reliable source of warmth for the sylph is inside of a creature's lungs, and what it's doing when it enters them is assume the host's perspective, but still renaming from the sylph's perspective as it's still limited (I guess you can think of it as kind of like playing a first-person videogame, but with no control over the character). Since the sylph, exempting the little incident with the dragonflame, is blind, it relies mostly on touch and hearing, and that it can only detect the host's dialogue and not the other party's alludes to that. Could I have written the story better? Probably. But I'm satisfied with what's there.
Anyways, I still need to review all the winners myself. I really want to read Rise and all the talk about I AM DEMON and Queen of Queens has me excited. Congrats again on the second place win, too.
Well that's probably the most useful feedback I've had yet. Would it be okay if I bug you about it over PM?
Can't really argue with this, much as I wish I could. I think I was maybe three hundred words off the maximum and running on fumes as far as time for writing went by the time I reached that part in the first draft, so the fact that I managed to tie everything together into a coherent narrative at all is borderline miraculous. Even as I was writing it, I knew this was a 25,000-word story I was trying to shove into 15,000, so there are definitely some parts I wish I'd had the space and time to expand upon outside the constraints of the contest.
But since I'm sick to death of the thing after spending so much time running over it with a fine-toothed editing comb, it'll probably just stay the way it is. Ultimately, I'm just glad I got to emphasize to some degree that the story was more about Clover forgiving herself for her role in her parents' deaths than anything to do with Demon himself. I could compare the whole scene to the emotional climax of Good Will Hunting because that movie did the exact same thing with about twice the skill and poignancy. Aside from my being pressed for words, her turnaround at the end is sudden because it's the explosion at the end of a fuse that's been burning inside her for years, so once Demon--he being the literal manifestation of her internal "demons", because I'm as subtle as a brick to the head--forgives her for how she's treated him, she can interpret it as permission to forgive herself and affectionately identify Demon as the source of her personal renewal.
None of that's to say the scene didn't need another thousand words or so then and another three or four thousand before to really work as well as it could have, but that's at least what I was going for. In any case, every day you make me wait for your CMC story is another month you take off my life. I hope you know that, you sick bastard.
The Cranky story's title is a reference to the 1971 film "Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song", which is... a thing. I don't rightly know how to describe it.
Yes... That Cranky Doodle story should have stuck to it's guns:
Like they did here.
Thank you again for the honorable mention! Always appreciated.
And congratulations once more on Trumpet's placing where it did.
Congrats on the contest.
Any chance RariDash fans will see a new chapter soon?
2427313
Sure thing, man.
Seeing outcomes of the major contests lately continues to affirm my desire to stay the heck away from them.
Still, always lovely to read more of your stuff, sir.
A wonderful read, and enjoyed very much.
Glad you largely approved of Moonlight Palaver. The worldbuilding was the funnest part of writing it, and I'm glad others apparently enjoyed that aspect as well. I wasn't even slightly expecting it to place as highly as it did. At the end of the day, I suppose I can live with losing to yourself and Aquaman.
InquisitorM did express similar sentiments regarding the story's adherence to the prompt in its comments section, and I gather from John Perry's blog that there was enough concern on that front to make it a pretty controversial story behind the judging scenes. The prompt, from my own interpretation, seemed flexible enough to let me come at it in the somewhat indirect manner Moonlight Palaver did. Each to their own, though.