Action Hero Parody Skit (Retro Re-blog #3) · 10:23pm Mar 9th, 2014

This Ain’t Hollywood!

By: Ian Vega-Cerezo AKA Your Antagonist

Characters

Captain Badguy- (CB) A short tempered and easily flustered villain who has captured the Unnamed Hero and is ready to put a bullet into the hero’s smug face to keep him from interfering in his future plans.

The Unnamed Hero (UH)- A hard-boiled do-gooder, who won’t crack under pressure, and is constantly looking for a means to escape his bindings.

Henchman A (HA)- Has qualms with his bosses methods.

Henchman 1 (H1)- Plays Devil’s Advocate to Henchman A

Scene
(Open to a dark secluded office space. There’s a single desk in the center of the room. On one side of the desk stands a sneering Captain Badguy who’s indulging in a monologue about his success-pending scheme, and the capture of his arch-nemesis. On the otherside, the hero sits tied up, with his jaw clenched as he struggles against his bindings. Captain Badguys two Henchman stand in the corner of the room watching their boss is amazement.)

UH: You’ll never get away with this, Captain Badguy!

CB: I’d like to plead au contraire my dear Hero; I already have.

UH: (Through grit teeth) What?

CB: You see, beneath our very feet, as we speak, several thousand timers attached to hundreds of detonators which are attached to dozens of bombs are just ticking down past the fifteen minute mark, and—

UH: Wait a minute.

CB: (Smiles snidely) Let me guess, you’re wondering why I’m doing this right? (Turns around, clears throat and prepares to monologue) Well when I was just a young boy I’d always dreamed of—

UH: No, it’s not that.

CB: (Sighs) Then what is it?

UH: It’s just that you have so many timers and detonators and so few bombs.

CB: (Silent for a moment as he stares at Unnamed Hero) What does that have to do with... anything?

UH: (Shrugs) I dunno, it’s just weird.

CB: What’s so weird about it? If one timer or one detonator fails then there’s hundreds more standing ready to take its place!

(Henchman A walks up next to Captain Badguy)

HA: No wait, I see what he’s saying, boss.

CB: Excuse me?

(Henchman 1 walks up as well)

H1: Yeah, I can see where he’s coming from too.

CB: (Throws hands in air briefly) Oh, well, please enlighten me then!

HA: See, you’ve bought all these timers and detonators as precautions to make sure that the bombs go off right?

CB: (Unsure) Yes...

HA: Here’s the thing: you’ve spent most of your resources on preventive measures instead of the bombs themselves, and because of that, you’ll only have a minimum amount of destruction to show for it.

UH: Exactly.

CB: (To unnamed hero) Shut up! The quantity of the bombs doesn’t mean anything!

H1: You know, I think the boss has a point. It’s all about quality, not quantity right.

CB: That’s right!

H1: I mean to justify having so few for a city as big as New York, he obviously bought a bunch of huge bombs, to make up for having such small amount isn’t that right boss?

CB: (Twiddles with his fingers) They’re... um, well, they’re moderate...

HA: And what is exactly is ‘moderate’?

CB: It’s... I mean they’re... they’re bombs! They’re fucking bombs! What else could you want? Things are going to go boom and people are going to fucking die! What more do you want?

UH: To not be tied up anymore.

CB: Shut up! You don’t get to talk!

HA: (Returning to the matter at hand) So… you’re admitting that you bought subpar bombs then?

CB: I didn’t admit to anything!

H1: Well, if anything, I’m almost certain you used your best judgement and placed the bombs strategically, right?

CB: Well, I... uh...

H1:What am I talking about, of course you did. Afterall, it’s not like you would’ve just placed them wherever without taking into account

UH: (Sing-Song) I’ll bet he didn’t.

CB: (Flustered) Will you just... just shut up! (Grabs a pistol, undoes the safety, cocks back the hammer, points it at unnamed hero)

(Henchman A jumps in front of the Unnamed hero)

HA: Whoa, whoa, boss, you can’t just shoot him straight up.

CB: And why the hell not?

HA: Boss, he’s like, the hero. You don’t just shoot the hero.

H1: Yeah, I gotta agree here, that’s just anticlimactic. Very uncool.

CB: Cool? Who gives a damn about being cool? I’m trying to kill my nemesis here!

HA: Yes, and you’re going about it in all the wrong ways.

CB: (In disbelief) There’s a right way to kill someone?

H1: No, killing is wrong all the same.

HA: There are just more stylish ways to do the deed. Shark tank, laser trap, slow descent into a pit of lava, you know, the classics. Gotta show people you mean business and that you’re not above basking in a little schadenfreude as you watch them meet their demise.

H1: (Nods in agreement) Couldn’t have said it better myself.

CB: What the hell does style have to do with anything?

UH: Oh, you’ve got to represent yourself, man. Presentation is everything, especially when you’re trying to be threatening.

CB: No one is talking to you!

UH: Look man, I’m just saying maybe these two are onto something, I mean based on what I’ve heard up till now I’m definitely not afraid of you—

CB: (Trembling out of frustration, raises gun, aiming at Unnamed Hero)Shut Up! Shut your damn mouth, before I blow it off your damn face!

UA & U1 Together: Whoa! (Force Captain Badguy’s hand down together.)

UA: You gotta calm down, boss.

U1: Yeah, seriously. Besides, he’s right. (Gestures to Unnamed Hero)

CB: What?

UA: You can’t go losing your composure in front of the hero like that, it’ll lessen your image.

U: Yeah, just try to be more like Lex Luthor, or an Evil Sean Connery. You know, be more like a… a supervillain!

CB: (Fed up) Okay! Fine! You want me to be more like a supervillain? How about I shoot one of you to set an example for the other one?

(The two henchman go quiet and look at eachother.)

HA: That could work.

CB: (Baffled) Huh?

H1: (Agreeably) That would definitely set a fire under my bum.

(Cqptain Badguy looks between the two as though they’ve gone insane)

HA: It would strike the fear of whatever god you pray to into me.

H1: I mean, I’m just saying, I would be motivated to go above and beyond if you were to shoot him dead in front of me.

CB: (Massages his temples/ Rubs his eyes out of confusion) I don’t even…

HA: Yeah, I mean we’re undermining your authority, but if you were to shoot me, then you’d see just how loyal and hardworking this guy (nudges Henchman 1) can be.

H1: (Physically waves off the compliment, clearly flattered) Oh, whatever, you’re selling yourself short.

CB: Is this seriously happening?

HA: (Ignoring Captain Badguy and Indignant) I am not! You are definitely the harder-working out of the two of us.

CB: Really? You’re actually doing this? Right now?

H1: (Also ignoring Captain Badguy, Places hands on hips) Now, there is no way in hell that is true. I’ve seen you busting your rump to make sure all of the other little minions are ready and well prepared before each mission. Tucking in their little boot laces, helping them deal with being separated from their families for so long, you’re amazing.

(As the two henchman talk and Captain Badguy watches the argument unfold before him, amazed at how these two could argue about such a trivial matter, Unnamed Hero notices that no one is paying any attention to him, and begins to struggle his way out of his bonds)

HA: (Sighs) I do so love those little scamps.

H1: Right, so if anyone should be shot, it should be me.

HA: Wait a minute now, who’s the one always making sure we have enough bread, pickles and condiments in the staff-fridge?

H1: Okay, guilty.

HA: See, we couldn’t possibly lose someone as thoughtful as you.

CB: If both of you don’t shut up, I’ll shoot you both!

HA: (Scratches his chin in thought) But that wouldn’t be prudent to your plan.

H1: I mean I suppose you could. It would certainly make you look ruthless, after all.

HA: Definitely ruthless, but then who’s going to want to hench for you after that? You’ll have to go solo—

H1: Yetch, solo villainy just does not work.

HA: You won’t be recognized as criminal mastermind, just a homicidal maniac.

H1: The maniacs get no respect, boss.

HA: Oh and—

CB: (Yells out of frustration, fires off a shot in the air) Just shut the hell up!

(Henchman 1 and Henchman A go quiet)

CB: I’m sick of all this pointless crap about style and appearance you’ve both been spewing ! (Gestures to self) I’m the criminal mastermind here, and the two of you are just worthless peons so why don’t you shut the fuck up and let me work? Is that so much to ask?

(The Unnamed Hero, now free from his restraints, picks up the chair he’s been tied to raising it over his head while sneaking up behind Captain Badguy.)

HA: (Raises hand) Uh, boss—

CB: Shut your f— mmmph! Stop fucking talking!

H1: (Points at the Unnamed Hero sneaking up from behind) But, the—

CB: No more words! What’s so hard to understand about shut the face or get shot in it? (Satisfied with the silence) Now, style be damned, I’m going to turn around and shoot this bastard in the face, and then I’m going to—

(Unnamed Hero brings the chair down on the back of Captain Badguy’s head, causing him to drop the gun and fall unconscious. Unnamed Hero picks up the gun aiming it at both of the henchman.)

HA: (Sighs) We tried to warn him.

H1: (Shaking his head )Poor bastard didn’t even see it coming.

HA: (To Unnamed Hero) Very well done.

H1: Agreed. Silent, efficient, quick. All the makings of a solid protagonist right there.

UH: (Taking a short bow) Thank you, thank you, you’re both too kind.

HA: Oh no, it was a splendid execution.

H1: James Bond couldn’t have done it better himself.

UH: Uh, gentlemen, I don’t mean to cut this short, but I’ve kind of got a city to save… (Pulls out and dangles three pairs of handcuffs)

HA: Of course, of course, how rude of us. (Holds hands in front of himself) You do have us at a disadvantage after all.

H1: It would boorish of us not to surrender.

UH: Sorry, it’s nothing personal. (Cuffs them both)

HA: No, no, we understand.

UH: Thanks guys, and the police will be here in a bit too. Need me to get you anything? Water? Bread?

HA: We’ll manage, but thanks.

H1: Don’t know if you care, but he’s got the disarm codes for the bombs in his pocket.

UH: (Take the bomb codes from Captain Badguy’s pocket) Once again, thanks so much, saved me a load of effort. (Looks guiltily at the two) You know, I really hate to impose after you’ve done so much already, but can you… (dangles a pair of handcuffs, gesturing to Captain Badguy)

HA: Sure, sure. (takes handcuffs)

H1: Now, you’d best be on your way, don’t want all those bombs to blow up, do you? I know we do! (Chuckles)

(Unnamed Hero gives a slight smirk and waves goodbye as he runs off stage.)

HA: Good kid. Good kid.

H1: He certainly is. (Sighs deeply) You ready for prison?

(End scene)

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