The Hadouken Menace (Retro Re-blog#1) · 10:01pm Mar 9th, 2014
The Hadouken Menace
Reported By: Your Antagonist
Anytown, USA
Ten year old Johnny A. Murica has just put the finishing touches on a sand castle he had been constructing in a local park since earlier this morning. The young man stands up to admire the fruits of his childhood labor, a sense of pride swelling in his chest as he declares himself king of the juvenile construct. Ah, yes, it's this very sense of accomplishment that will structure and mold young Johnny's mind, shaping him in preparation for his future as Head General Contractor for a highly successful construction firm that he himself would build from the ground up with his own two hands. Revel in it Johnny, for this is the start of your glorious and eventful life. Or so it would have been. In an instant, without word or warning, the grand sand castle explodes, spraying sand and small rocks upon a confused young Johnathan.
Where did the explosion come from? Who had done it? Did someone have it out for him? Were they afraid of his potential success?
These are all questions Johnathan does not have time to ponder or rationalize as he whips his head around, frantically searching for the source of the blast. Mere moments later, he finds it, or rather it finds him. The resulting explosion sends Johnathan reeling across the playground and into the nearby grass where he skids to a halt. No need to worry, Johnathan is still breathing. But as he stands up confused and disoriented, he comes to a mortifying realization: he has just shit his pants. Young Jonathan will never go near a sandbox again, and with the incursion of this phobia, so disappears the architectural legacy that never will be. Just who or what could be responsible for such a traumatizing event? Who or what indeed.
Brooklyn, New York
At Forty-two years old, Franklin Upston labors away washing the windows of a skyscraper. His only support: an archaic platform of rope-suspended scaffolding that has served the window washer for well over ten years, and much like its user, won't be seeing retirement for as long as it can still work. Even at forty stories above the busy New York streets, Franklin is in no hurry to finish, as the only thing awaiting him at home is a sub-par TV dinner and a mouthy broad of a wife whom he has stood by through thick and thin for fifteen years.
Just as he prepares to lower the platform so that he might reach the next window, Franklin notices something out of the corner of his eye: a graceful disc of light slowly but steadily propelling its way through the sky in a rhythmic, uncaring swirl. The on-looker marvels at the light as it soars overhead, unhindered; he's never seen anything like it. Franklin is so entranced by the objects that he fails to notice that it's on a collision course with the ropes suspending his platform, but he thinks nothing of it. That is, until it's too late.
The light collides with the first rope, completely severing it from the rest of the system. The platform jerks immediately downward, and Franklin out of reflex grabs hold of one of the support railings, hanging on to it for dear life, it's the only thing separating him from forty stories of freefall. Onlookers cry out in shock, some racing for their cellphones, all of them giving their full attention to the dangling window washer, who can only watch as the light soars towards his remaining rope. Fortunately for Frank the light merely grazes the support, lowering him only an inch or so.
Moments later, Firefighters, EMTs and Police are on the scene and whisk the terrified window washer to safety. Frank has no idea what the strange light was, or why he had been given a $75,000 settlement from his company, but he is thankful to be alive. What could have wrought this travesty? What was that light?
The Amazon Jungle, South America
The inhabitants of an unnamed village that sits just outside the mouth of the Amazon have reported a series of dangerous and seemingly random wildfires from within the woodland. When questioned for a source of the flames, they simply claimed that for every instance there was an incident, a ball of pure, floating fire had been spotted drifting through the village and into the forest. The villagers maintained these claims even after suffering not only the loss of their village, but several mercilessly raw beatings at the hands of the local Dictator run militia, from which not even the elderly were safe.
Where could these alleged balls of flame have originated from and just what do these three stories have in common with at least a few thousands incidents from around the globe, reported or otherwise? They are all products of the Hadouken or "Energy Wave Fist" menace. The Non-profit Organization: Antagonist Industries, has given hundreds upon thousands of man-hours, dedicated to researching and investigating these incidents worldwide. But just what is the Hadouken Menace? To answer that question we must turn to the very source of the Hadoukens or themselves.
In an interview with an admitted enabler of the Hadouken Menace who has opted to go by the alias of "Ryu" (Pictured below), we asked for some justification in the use of these energy projectiles. Ryu had this to say on the matter: "Look, all I'm saying is if I'm in the middle of a fight and the guy just jumps twenty feet away, why should I run twenty feet just to punch him in the face when I can throw a fireball to do the same job? And, hey, if he jumps over it, you can't really blame me for any subsequent consequences. He had an obligation to either block it or take it to the chest, and he chose to jump over it. Once it leaves my hands, what happens next is literally out of my hands. Hey, can I have those shoes? I literally walked barefoot across a desert just to do this interview."
What Ryu neglects to mention in his reason, is the longevity of fully formed Hadouken, which our researchers have determined to be approximately a full year provided they go unobstructed by the faces of small children or mountains.
At this time, there are no laws in place or being discussed by congress regarding the legality or limitations of a Hadouken or any other human-borne energy-based projectile classified as a "Wave Fist". There are also no plans to introduce any new bills in the near future either, but that does not mean that these rogue blasts aren't a global threat. These irresponsibly discharged energy blasts could be lurking anywhere at anytime, waiting to strike at your spouse, your children, your neighbors, or even you.
Don't panic. There is a contingency plan in pace to deal with these feral Hadoukens, and you can help. Our scientists have discovered the most efficient and immediate way to deal with a wild Hadouken is to grab the person or toy poodle within immediate proximity to yourself, and throw them into the Hadouken, thereby neutralizing its effect. In a pinch, you may use your own body to neutralize the Hadouken, but it is highly advised that you instead ruin someone else's day. With your support, while we can never truly rid ourselves of the Hadoukens, we can drastically reduce the number of causalities inflicted by them. Thank you for your time.
Loathe,
Your Antagonist,
Presidential King Knight of Antagonist Industries
...I have no idea what to think of this.
But...
I do like that.
~Skeeter The Lurker
This PSA was exactly what the world needed! Thank you!