An "Archives" check-up · 10:22pm Feb 21st, 2013
What I'd like to do here is to see if anyone has any critical thoughts regarding Archives of the Friendquisition. Sometimes when I'm down in the fiction mines, I worry that I'm losing sight of some bigger writing principals. I get insecure like that. Is there anything you, as a reader or (if applicable) a fellow writer, have noticed in the entire story thus far, that you think I could improve on? More specifically:
Plot: Does anyone feel like the plot right now is confusing or incomplete? Does it feel slow or lacking momentum? Does anything feel "accidentally" unresolved. Obviously, it's a mystery-heavy part right now, so new revelations are always right around the corner, but does anything strike you as missing?
Characters: I'm really trying to "show, not tell" about my characters. The first step is to "not tell" you about them, which I think I'm doing okay with. But sometimes I feel like I'm forgetting to then actually do the "show" part. Which characters do you get a pretty clear characterization from? Do any of them seem bland, or too similar to one another? Am I overdoing anything? Does it seem like the action and plot are done in compliment to character development, or at its expense? I'm mostly concerned with the "mane 5" (Caballus, Roughshod, Mystic, Fyzzix and Hairtrigger), but thoughts on secondary characters are good too.
The comments I receive to the story are, of course, always welcome and encouraged. It's just that it feels like all the feedback I get is mostly praise (again, always welcome and encouraged), and sometimes specific praise, which is more useful. To me, specific critique is the most useful comment of all, so that's what I'm after here. I figure I have all you guys following me, so I might as well take advantage of you.
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That came out wrong. Just... uh... let me know what you're thinking.
I like spess mare-ines, more spess mare-ines would be nice. Especially if we get to see the Empresses Grey Knights, that'd be awesome. Also seeing as Callabus and mystic work for the friendquisition so they might be able to avoid the mind wipe.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love it when we get to see some big action scene, like for instance they come across another town filled with cultists and, dare I say, daemons. We could have the IG and the mare-ines come in and have a big battle chapter(<- LOL reference) in which the mane 5 are making their way through town kicking flank and trying to catch their quarry, who is desperatly trying to escape the action and elude them once again.
But, you know. Whatever you want to do is fine.
I think that the only thing I can point at that I am missing is to feel that Caballus really is an Inquisipony. What I mean is really use his power. Yes we have seen him talk with some army guys, and get some paperwork done faster, but for those that don´t know the 40K lore are that not really showing how much power it is that Caballus really haves, especially since he sound like a pony that have been in the job for a long time. If I could draw a paralel does he look like what I sees as a normal detective at that "powerlevel" and not a the powerhouse he is. I know that he need to have a low profile, but really feeling his power would be nice, because somehow does I at points more feel like we are following a team of throne agents, than a powerful Inqusipony that have the same power as a segtiongovenor or what they are called. Not that this is a bad thing, don´t read it as such, but I think that we miss that in the picture.
Beside that is there no bad things I can point at "sadly", it is all good, well paced, is informative without dumping it all at the same time, and have both some funny scenes and some serious ones. All in all would I not say that you could make a better story with the material that you have at hand, and I know that you have inspired at least one person to use elements of your story, so I am not the only one that thinks that your story is so good that I think that it is
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Space Marine fiction is a pretty small minority of all the 40k I've read. I actually find them, in general, kind of unrelatable. They're just so... larger than life, that I have a hard time putting myself in their headspace, Grey Knights especially. That's one of the reasons I went with an Inquisition story: they're (mostly) "normal" humans who, through skill, cunning and sheer willpower, can accomplish just as much as the supersoldiers with their big guns.
You mean Matt Ward's Mary Sue Brigade?
That said, their badassery is undeniable, and if nothing else, they can make for a good plot device. I have planned big battles and daring chases in the future, and Pony Marines will play a role in them. Don't you worry your pretty little head about that.
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Yeah, I can see that. I think I imagine Caballus's style to be much more conservative with his use of authority, especially military assets, than other Inquisiponies, even when they might be advantageous. I actually hadn't thought much about it, but it might bear mentioning.
Even with that in mind, I feel like his low-key approach has been appropriate given how much (or little) he knew at a given time. Remember, his cutie mark means "search and destroy." We're still in the "search" phase, which requires subtlety. Once the enemy is revealed, we can get to the "destroy" part, where we will definitely see him throwing around his authority more.
I kinda feel bad asking for suggestions, and just saying "yeah, yeah, just hold on, I'm getting to it." Kind of a cop out, but there's still a lot of story to get to yet, and it may be that some things that seem missing right now are things I'm going to be doing anyway. Still, I very much appreciate you bringing them up.
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You do not feel sorry over it, I have a understanding for that you can´t show all his powers right now when he is searching. Just take it as a reminder to use his power and show them that don´t know 40K to well how much he actually can.
And sorry for my bad English today, my brain have not gotten itself all the sleep it needed apparently, but I do still hope that it is understandable
857644 Understandable, my main point wasn't necessarily marines though. I was more so refering to just having that "call in the calvery scene" where all the badass military stuff is going on around them yet they are not the focus and we are watching them maneuver through the city making the chase scene. It's nice to hear our spiritual leige thinks of everything though.
That being said, I look forward to future archives.
In the Empresses name sir.
The only thing I can think of is a bit more of an introdutcion to the background. I understand you want to have a bit of a buildup but it would be nice to have the standard rulebook intro ponified somewhere just to have a more general idea of the background. What I mean is mention how the empire came to be at some point :P after all the horus heresy can't be to much of a secret for the plot and it would give the story a bit more clarity to know why celestia is in the goldenthrone, where the inquistion comes form and what the inqusition does in the broadest sence (ordos and such).
Also mystique seems to be more of a mane charater then cabalus at times, is that intentional or not?
I hope this helps I am by no means an experienced commentor so I have no idea how to formulate good critique :P.
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Ha, to be honest, I don't have the events that caused Celestia to ascend to the Golden Throne figured out yet, so I couldn't go into detail right now even if I wanted to. I consider the ponies' version of the Horus Heresy to be the birth of Nightmare Moon, and that didn't cripple her at all, so there will have to be something else to explain it. Heck, I been toying with the idea of legends from the past being overblown in the grim future, so it might be that she's just a shut-in who just happens to spend a lot of time on her literal golden throne. Still don't have a reason why, though. Maybe there will be something in the show to inspire me eventually.
However, I don't think it's even necessary. If the reader is familiar with 40k lore, they know how the 40k setting got to be how it is, so it should generally suffice that "something similar" happened to the ponies, without much detail needed. Most Black Library stories set in "modern" 40k times don't talk too much about the distant past, because it's not considered necessary to repeat what readers and characters are assumed to already know. In this story, the characters know, and the readers are encouraged to use their imaginations, at least until I make up my mind and it makes sense to bring it up. But so far, it's just not been relevant.
As for Mystic's screentime, I am aware of that, and it is mostly intentional. This was never supposed to be just about Caballus, even though he is the Inquisipony; it's about those around him as well, so they've naturally got their own sub-plots and points of view going on. If she seems to be stealing the spotlight, it's probably because I have a firmer grasp of her character in my head, so it's a bit easier to write her parts. But thanks for confirming my suspicion that it was fairly obvious. I'm working on strengthening Caballus's character in the meantime, and the others will get more focus in later volumes.
I can't think of anything in particular that needs work... other than the speed at which you produce chapters
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Honestly, there is nothing I can think of that stands out as a problem. Part of that is because there is so much we don't know yet. Beginnings are easy, endings are hard. Without knowing where this is going I don't know if the plot is good, but at this point in time I don't see anything wrong with it.
Your characters are wonderful, and all I'm waiting for is the inevitable etrayal by and execution of Mystic.