I Really Do
I Want to Die
The clicks of my hooves on the marble floor echo loudly around the regal hallway. A hallway I had walked many times before, and will probably walk many times again. The golden shoes I wear shine brightly as I continue my slow march down the empty corridor. Well, I suppose it’s not really empty; there are the guards, stationed on either side of the hall every few paces, but they don’t really count. I lost track of their names centuries ago, and they remain as still and silent as statues. The only thing I ever say to them is “at ease” as I walk by. I hate it when they stand at attention for me. Once I found it an honour, but that was lifetimes ago.
The sharp clicking of my hooves changes to muffled thuds as the hard marble floor gives way to a regal red rug. I enter the throne room silently, noting the presence of Celestia, sitting in her throne, as royal looking as ever. I make my way over to my own throne, to the right of hers, and sit in the overly fluffed cushion.
“Who was it?” She asks quietly, not even turning to face me.
“Her name was Cloudy Skies,” I answer, just as monotone as Celestia.
“Which one?”
“The 137th Element of Loyalty,” I say as mechanically as the last thousand times she’s asked me that question.
“I trust she had a nice funeral?” She asks, just like every time before, though this time she turns to look at me. I simply nod in response.
“It must be hard on you.”
I wasn’t prepared for that. She’s never said that before. “It was, for a while. I’ve grown used to it,” I say after a pause.
“It took me centuries to get used to it, and even now it brings me much sorrow. It’s why I try to stay away from getting too close to anypony,” she explains calmly.
“Well I don’t have that option, do I!?” I snap, perhaps a little harsher than I should have. “Sorry,” I mutter at her small frown.
“That’s quite alright, Twilight. I shouldn’t have brought it up.” With that the questions, and with them the conversation, stop. Celestia turns away from me, gazing thoughtfully at the front doors to the throne room. I turn to the window instead, watching as the sun starts to near the horizon. Luna should be here soon.
The only sound in the room is the nearly silent breathing of everypony present; Celestia, the guards, and me. The sound is almost relaxing; it’s normal. It reminds me of when everypony acted normal around me. Before I became an alicorn, before any of this happened. But that was innumerable centuries ago, nothing more than a memory of a memory.
Before I can stop myself the memories come back. Hazy and indistinct with age, I still remember. Pearly white unicorn with a purple mane, the most generous unicorn I have ever met. Light orange coat and a blond mane, most dependable and truthful I have ever known. A cyan coat and a rainbow mane, truly the most loyal pegasus that there ever was. Light pink mane and butter yellow fur. Both the shyest and kindest pegasus. A pink earth pony with an equally pink mane; the party animal that never failed to make me laugh. I giggle at just the thought of her exuberant personality. I almost laugh when I imagine her trying to understand the word ‘exuberant’. Almost.
“What’s given you the giggles?” Celestia asks, turning to look at me with a small, curious smile.
“Just a memory,” I say, silencing my giggling and putting on a neutral face. It was nothing more than a memory, a memory of a happier time. “Pinkie Pie?” She asks knowingly. I sigh, hanging my head a nodding.
“Nopony’s been able to make you laugh quite as well as her,” Celestia notes with a solemn frown.
“Nopony’s been as funny as her. Just like nopony’s been as loyal as Rainbow Dash, or as generous as Rarity,” I say simply.
“Not even the bearers?”
“No. Every generation shows less and less of the element they represent. It’s getting harder and harder to find them, even more so to bond with them. It won’t be long before the elements won’t be able to find ponies that represent them. Pretty soon they’ll be useless. Already they’re loosing the power they once held.” Celestia grows silent as I finish, looking thoughtfully out the window at the nearly setting sun.
Her thoughts are interrupted as Luna walks slowly into the room. “Shall we?” She offers, motioning to the sun. Celestia nods, already lighting her horn with magic. Luna does the same. After a few seconds the sun resumes its descent behind the horizon and the moon begins to rise. With their jobs done, they let the magic fade from their horns. Luna comes and joins us, sitting on the throne to the opposite side of Celestia’s.
“It was a lovely funeral,” Luna comments quietly, “You should have been there, Celestia.”
My eyes open a little wider in surprise; I didn't notice Luna there.
“I had work to do,” Celestia responds dryly, brushing off Luna's comment and continuing to gaze out the window at the setting sun.
“Just like the last hundred times,” I mutter quietly to myself. Celestia hears me.
“I have a country to run, Twilight I'm sorry if I can't always attend your friend's funerals,” she explains somewhat angrily.
“Then why did you make it to the original five?” I ask, indignation flaring in my gut as I look over accusingly at Celestia.
She's quiet for a time, contemplating an answer that she couldn't seem to find. Finally she says, “Because I wasn't busy.”
I laugh a little, a weak and emotionless laugh. “Give me a break; your memory isn't that bad yet. You put three different meetings on hold to attend their funerals. The nobles were complaining about it for weeks.”
“She is right, 'Tia, why don't you attend anymore?” Luna asks, as curious as I am. Though I know she already knows; she just wants Celestia to spill the truth to me.
The solar princess sighs heavily, tossing a glance at her sister before turning back to me. “Because I don't like what you're doing. We both know you have a choice in the matter now; the enemies Equestria has left can easily be deterred by our military.”
“Right, like the time the diamond dogs nearly collapsed the mountain? Or the time the dragons decided it'd be a good idea to use our outer cities as a buffet? We certainly didn't need the elements then!” I protest loudly, slamming my hoof against the arm of my throne.
Celestia sighs again. “Twilight, both those incidents were well over a thousand years ago. Since then we've made stable relations with the dragons and the Diamond Dogs now have a steady enough government that we've started relations with them. And besides all that, our military is advanced enough that, had we needed to, we could have taken care of both those threats without the Elements.”
I stare in equal parts shock and disbelief, both hidden behind a mask of calmness. Had those really been over a thousand years ago? And, more to the point, did Celestia really trust our neighbours that much that she'd encourage abandoning the greatest weapon we have against enemies?
“Every hundred or so years you go out, find the bearers, and start the cycle over again. I can see that it's starting to tear you apart. I don't need to remind you what happened when Cherry Changa died.”
I stay silent; I know she's right. Cherry Changa, the 46th Element of Honesty. Named after her speciality food that had been invented millennium before her by the original Laughter. I remember when I first met her; I cried for days after I found out she was an element. She just reminded me so much of a friend long gone and lost to the flow of time. After she died... I couldn't take it anymore. Celestia found me a few days later in my room, hanging from a rope secured around my neck. What should have killed any normal pony only made me pass out from lack of oxygen after a couple minutes. Being immortal was starting to get on my nerves. When I woke up I was in my bed with Celestia glaring down at me. I never tried again.
“I'd rather be torn apart than forget who I was,” I answer flatly, coming out of my memories.
“Every time one of them die you lock yourself in your room for days! It's not healthy, Twilight. Why do you keep going back? Why do you keep repeating the cycle?” Celestia asks, sounding genuinely concerned for my well being.
“Because they make me feel alive,” I say, continuing before Celestia can protest. “Because without them I'm afraid I'll forget what it's like to have real friends. Because without them I might forget who my first friends were. Because without them I have nothing. Because without my friends I am nothing.”
Silence descends upon the room for a few hours. Or maybe it's just a few seconds, time gets away from me sometimes. When neither Celestia nor Luna had anything to say to me, I start talking again.
“I'd rather be dead than lose who I am,” I state calmly.
“But you have to see it's not right!” Celestia protests loudly, “I'm not a fool, Twilight; I know what you found after... Cherry. I checked what books you took out from the archives...” she trails off.
“It doesn't matter what I found; we both know I need another alicorn to do it, and I doubt highly you or Luna would help me, and you wouldn't let Cadence either,” I say solemnly.
Celestia stands from her throne. “I'm retiring to my bed chambers. Please; think about what I said. You don't have to repeat the cycle anymore; it's time the chain was broken,” she says before departing, walking swiftly with practised grace out the doors and down the hall.
I sigh as I sink further into the plush cushions of my chair, not even registering the fact that Luna was still in the room. I didn't care either way. I couldn't care.
“She only wants what's best for you,” Luna speaks up. I hide how startled I am at the sudden voice as I turn to look at her questioningly.
“Funny way of showing it,” I say plainly, “what's best for me is to continue making friends. The only way I'm going to stop is if she lets me die.”
Luna sighs, “She'll never do that.”
“Then I'll never stop making friends.”
Before waiting for a response I light my horn and teleport out of the throne room, reappearing in the moonlit statue garden outside the castle. The air out here is chilled and quiet, just the way I like it under the pale silver moon. In recent times (the last couple thousand years) night has been my favourite time. I don't really know why. Maybe it's from the calm serenity the cool tones of blues and purples bring with them, or maybe it's because of the chaos the ever-changing canvas of stars brings. Ever since Luna returned from the moon she took up her place as artist of the night skies, creating a new arrangement of stars almost every night. Maybe it's just because the day lost its splendour when Celestia and I started drifting apart. Whatever the reason, though, calm or chaos, I find peace in the fresh air of night.
I find a spot in the smooth, refreshing grass and lay down, the cold blades brushing against my belly and making a shiver run down my spine.
It's so peaceful out here as the moon continues rising high into the sky, bringing with it the dark of night. I look up, admiring the thousand twinkling lights. Some nights there are millions. Some, only a few hundred. No matter how many or their arrangement, they are always beautiful.
As I look to the sky, I run over the recent funeral in my mind. The open casket with the peacefully resting mare inside. Was Celestia right? Am I just hurting myself by doing this? No. No that can't be true: My friends helped me find who I was. Maybe they can do it again.
My eyes are drawn away from the sky by the distinct sound of magical teleportation, looking over to the dark blue alicorn that popped into existence next to me.
“Luna,” I greet, a little coldly. She doesn't seem to mind as she takes a seat next to me.
“Celestia never told me what you found in the archives after Cherry Changa. Mind sharing?” She asks calmly, looking up at the statue I had subconsciously teleported to. It was that of the original Loyalty, sitting to the right of the old Magic and to the left of a long dead Kindness.
I remain silent for a time, debating if I should tell Luna or not. How could she possibly not know? No point hiding it. “After I tried to kill myself, I went looking for a way I could succeed in doing it,” I say calmly. Luna looks a little surprised, but encourages me to continue with a small nod.
“I found it. An old book from before even Discord had a spell that could be cast on an alicorn, removing their immortality and forcing their body to endure all the years they'd lived as an alicorn. It's a simple spell compared to some things like time manipulation, but there's one catch; it needs to be cast by a different alicorn from the one dying,” I explain. Luna seems only half interested, and I suddenly realize why.
“But you already knew all that. Why did you want me to tell you?”
Luna looks over with a sad smile. She shows more emotion than Celestia these days. “Because if you truly want to die, I will cast the spell for you.”
My eyes open wide, for the first time in decades I am truly, completely surprised. I don't know what to say. Part of me is screaming yes. Another, more stubborn part of me is trying to snuff it out. I stall for time.
“But why?”
Luna sighs, looking up to her tapestry strung all across the expansive night sky. “Because there was a time when I had a need for that spell. I know the pain you're suffering. It's what started my transformation to Nightmare Moon in the first place. Celestia refused to let me die the death I craved, and I resented her for it. I don't want you to have to go through the same if you don't think you can handle it.”
I remain silent as I let her words soak in. I still don't know what I'm going to say, so she continues in the silence I leave.
“When I returned, when you purified me, I begged Celestia to kill me. She refused, and being the only alicorn at the time besides Cadence, who would never cast such a spell, I was forced to accept a life I didn't want to live. Eventually I grew like her, cold and emotionless, just as you ascended. I thought many times about asking you to do it for me, especially after you learned of the spell, but I didn't want to leave you behind. I knew from the beginning you'd seek out that spell. So did Celestia, she just didn't want to admit it. So I waited for you to find it. I waited for you to be sure of your decision.”
“But what about Celestia? What would she do after I'm gone?” I ask, half out of true curiosity and concern, and half from the desire for more time.
“The worst she could do is kill me for letting you die, fulfilling the wish I've had for thousands of years,” Luna explains with a shrug of her shoulders.
“You'd force yourself to live so that I could die?” I ask in surprise. Today seems to be surprising me a lot.
“You were forced into this life, Twilight; your destiny was planned since before you were born. I chose to ascend with my sister. But enough stalling; do you want me to cast the spell?” Her words are clear and concise as she poses her question. My mind is still racing to catch up, even with all my years of practise, I still show the indecision on my face. I made the choice to end it once, could I really do it again?
“You'll have a lovely funeral,” Luna comments distractedly, having turned back to look at her sky. “Cadence and I will plan it. The current generation of Elements, or those that remain, will be invited. Or, you could wait for another year or so and see the rest of this generation die and attend their funerals before starting the cycle again. But I need you to know; this is a one time offer. Your one shot to make a choice, so choose wisely.”
My eyes stay fixed on the stone figure before me, before slowly drifting down the line of the original element bearers.
“What's it like to die?” I wonder aloud to nopony in particular.
“With this spell, painless and quick, like going to sleep. As for after you die... nopony really knows,” Luna says without taking her eyes away from the sky.
I look over to her, still struggling to come to a decision. Eventually, part of my mind wins, and I sigh heavily, letting my muscles relax. I look up at her, for the first time in thousands of years I can feel tears brimming in my eyes.
“I want to die.”
She looks down at me. She sees the tears, but also the determination in my eyes. She smiles gently. “I thought that would be your answer. Get comfortable, and I'll cast the spell.”
I nod, but before I do, I push myself off the ground, shuffling over to Luna before wrapping her in a hug. A few tears leak down my cheeks, but I ignore them as she returns the embrace. When I let go, I lay back down in the silky smooth grass facing Luna, crossing my forelegs and resting my head on top of them. I let my wings spread out across the grass and my muscles relax. My eyes drift closed for a moment before I open them. I murmur sleepily, “I'm ready.”
Luna nods, and lights her horn. Before long I can feel her magic wrapping around my body, permeating it and flowing through my flesh and bones.
“Good night, Twilight Sparkle,” I hear her say, then she casts the spell.
The effect is instantaneous; I feel my magic fade almost instantly. I can no longer feel the magic of the world around me. But it's only the beginning. My hooves, just barely in the bottom of my vision, start growing wrinkly, ageing years in a matter of seconds. I can feel my mane becoming frayed and no doubt turning grey. Then my hooves start losing their signature purple, the colour fading from my coat.
I can feel tears streaming down my cheeks as the years catch up to me rapidly. I can feel the end approaching now.
Through weak and wrinkled lips, I whisper a breathy “thank you.” before closing my eyes for the last time.
“Rest in peace.” Is the last thing I hear.
I hope I'll see my friends again.