From the Canterlot Royal Library - Terminal 5

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My name is Discord. And I am not evil. I am chaos. I am a big old storm of chaos, in fact. Most creatures I know do not seem to understand the difference.

Chaos is wild. Chaos is free. How I came to be chaos is not important. A rain of soda from cotton candy falls. Or one of chocolate milk? Sitting in a glass, the chocolate milk explodes.

That's why you drink your chocolate milk of glass. To most, perspective is set. I do not see it as such. To me, perspective is as abstract as a well oiled cactus. Whoever did it must have had a good reason to take the time despite the trouble and pain, but to anypony else, it just seems odd.

I like to tell riddles. A riddle is chaos of implications, and I can spin a riddle by implication alone. So you see, I don't lie, you just misinterpret. The difference is subtle, but present.

Now say I go to dinner, and I wish to liven up the evening. After all, I am present at the dinner, you would be disappointed if I didn't do something, right? So for the sake of argument, say I brought all the serving ware, dishes, the gravy boat, candles, and even the soup tureen to life.

Should I be concerned with the feelings of a soup tureen who is sensitive about being a fish on a table with soup swimming in him?

If a gravy boat thinks it's a dog, should I correct it, or give the dog his bone?

Or if the candles wish to dance, am I responsible for keeping their heads on fire? If I lit the head of anypony else in the room on fire, they would get mad! I would probably get turned into stone for it on the spot!

And speaking of stone, who imprisons somechaos like me in a stone body suit? It just seems rude if you ask me. Of course, nopony ever asks me. But no, I don't respond in kind, I just keep about my merry business, turning streets into soap bubbles, which by the way is the easiest way to clean them.

Imagine for a moment that you are singing a song. Imagine that it is a song that has been stuck in your head for a very long time. So long, that you can't help but to sing it aloud. Imagine building up to and then hitting the big finish, that last big note, and then holding it for over a thousand years.

Yeah, that is what Celestia did to me. I was stuck holding a note, I think it was an F chord in a minor key. Funny, I held it for so long, it was really all I could do to avoid thinking about the pose I was stuck in with my mouth hanging open.

Ever had a bird live and build a nest in your open mouth before? Yeah, try it sometime. It tickles like you wouldn't believe.

Coming back to Celestia. She is a thorn in my paw. An apt metaphor, seeing as I did actually get a thorn stuck in my lion paw before. Hurt like you wouldn't believe. Poison joke thorn if I recall. No doubt it found the situation to be deliciously ironic.

But Celestia. She and I do have a history. In that we are both relics of history. And she turned me into stone while I was singing. Beyond that, no, we did not date, we did not break up, this was in no way a 'lover's quarrel'.

She was simply not a fan of chaos. You know, now that I think about it, not many beings are as big a fan of chaos as I am. One of the few is Pinkie Pie. She has chaos potential in her blood. I think it came from all that unshielded rock farm growth as a filly.

But again, I want to stop this shipping. I am not dating her either. I'm sorry, but no. Chaos is not monogamous. Chaos plays the field. Chaos turns eyes sideways and heads upside down. Chaos is an upside down umbrella and no rain in the cloudless sky.

True, the same comparisons have been used for things like love. Love is (insert random anything here).

But no, chaos is not that. True, chaos is my one true love. But love is not my one true chaos. It just doesn't work that way.

Another popular pairing with me is this character named Screwball, if my memory serves. It seems that many believe her to be my daughter. I am not saying it isn't possible, I could probably get somecreature of a different species pregnant three hundred years before I first came into being. Chaos is funny like that.

PS, mares? Great way to cover up how you got pregnant. "Oh no! I wasn't having sex! Discord got me pregnant through the space-time continuum!" - I will totally take the hit.

And no, I am not saying that chaos is time travel. Though time travel could certainly be a result of chaos. In fact, a common form of chaos exposure is in the realm of time rewinding or looping!

On top of that, time travel is a fantastic way to create chaos. Go back and kill your grandparents before your parents were born and you will see what I mean.

Actually, a paradox is a great way to look at chaos. A paradox is a logical impossibility in time. If you think it might be a paradox, check to see if your head hurts to think about it. Then take an aspirin. Drink some water. Go for a canter and get some fresh air. Come back. Sit in front of your computer again. Now think again about the possible paradox. Does your head start to hurt again?

If so, you either have a migraine, need to see a doctor urgently, or it is in fact a paradox. But you see my point.

A final theory regarding me is that I am in fact Star Swirl the Bearded. This is a hoax. A blatant and utter lie spread by Celestia to discredit me. Why would she spread such a rumor? Well let me see...she sends her sister to the moon for a thousand years for being mean. She destroys a party because she was bored. She locks ME IN A STONE BODY SUIT FOR SINGING A SONG SHE DOESN'T LIKE.

My point is, I am not Star Swirl the Bearded. As for who is, that is a question better answered by Eldritch Designs, a story written by my ghost writer, MaeceusMan, who I agreed could mention his other story here in exchange for writing this for me. You're welcome you bastard. Ha! I love it! He is typing this anyways! Hi, I'm MaeceusMan and I am stuuuuupppppiiiiiiidddddddd! Lalala!

Anyways, I am having him type this because my hands are different sizes. Also I am a being of chaos and I really don't care what any of you think of me. Plus, why does nopony designs keyboards that have larger keys on the right half? Discrimination, I say! Hey, business idea! Do that! You are welcome.

Hmmm? Oh yes, I have one more thing I should bring up before I am finished with this. Fluttershy. She is indeed my friend, get over yourselves. And again, NO, that does not mean you should automatically be shipping us! I couldn't trick her so I used my magic on her manually. And I am ignoring the metaphors you are already concocting from the way I phrased that last sentence you sick bastards!

Anyways, some say that I caved too easily. That the moment I was going to lose Fluttershy as a friend, I gave up the very nature of chaos. True, I fixed that farm. True, I bowed to Celestia. True, I agreed to use my magic in ways that Celestia wants. And true, though it grates me to say it, I said 'Friendship is Magic'. But that don't change Discord baby! That just means that Discord is already several steps ahead of them all, plotting his next step! Muahahahahahaha!

Oh and Fluttershy, if you are reading this, I am totally joking! In fact, this is just some random pony typing on a keyboard pretending to be a ghost writer for Discord! Yeah, that's it!

Okay you can stop typing now...stop. I said stop typing, not type stop typing, STOP TYPING! GurrrrahhhhHHHHHHH!!!!!

Back in the Canterlot Royal Library - Terminal 3

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What up Equestria! Oh, and hello My Little Bronies! Huh? Oh, and Pegasisters. Is that really the term?

This is Discord, the wise and awesome. I am dictating not reading to you again because of some apparent confusion regarding my understanding of the fabric of space-time and the overlay of various dimensions in the causal structure of the multiverse.

Okay fine, be that way. I am told that there is confusion regarding my understanding of a species of bipedal balding apes in some far off dimension who are obsessed with the day to day lives of Equestrians, and yours truly in particular.

And also the six ponies who keep messing things up for me.

Just to be clear, not Fluttershy. Celestia.

And Pinkie Pie is okay as well, for a bouncing piece of cotton candy.

True, she was one of those who was going to turn me into stone again, but I bet I could have stopped her with some more chocolate rain.

Note to self: make it snow whipped cream next time you take over the world...stop typing every word I say, ghost writer!

No, you know what?! No mentioning your story again this time, how do you like that? He's still typing....huh...

So hard to find good help these days.

Where was I? Ah yes, Bipedal apes who talk. I never heard what to call this species besides 'Bronies' or 'Pegasisters', so I think I will just go with....uhhhh......I know! HUMACs! Hairy, Ugly, Mare-obsessed Apes who love Chaos!

Was I close?

Well if there are any of these HUMACs out there reading this, don't tell me, cause I don't really care. My main audience is on the Equestrian interwebs.

Speaking of, I understand that how I have access to a computer is apparently also a matter of some confusion. First of all, I don't have access. No one used my awesome idea to make a keyboard that was larger on the right side then the left, so I am stuck working through this useless ghost writer again!

And besides that, what is the confusion? I'm stuck here in Canterlot when the high and mighty Celestia doesn't have me off using my chaos in ways that in my opinion aren't very chaosesque at all!

Like the first day after I agree to help Celestia out, she asks me to use my magic to clean up Canterlot. She called it a test run. And no, I don't see why she had to get so mad when I was done. All I did was make all the ponyflies in Canterlot the size of normal ponies, and OH MY CHAOS what an uproar that caused! By the end of the day there was not a speck of garbage around in the entire city. And did anypony thank me? No! They were mad! True, part of the city caught on fire, but I put it out!

Eventually...

Anyways, when I'm not doing useless jobs like that, Celestia has me either speaking with historians about the history of the world or out using my chaos in odd places that she says are part of some master plan she has to 'save the world'.

Please, like there is anything out there that could stop me.

Besides the Elements of Harmony, I guess...

Where was I? Oh yes, history. So it seems that when I was in power all those years ago I may have taken this one prank too far. See, I thought it would be funny to eat the Hoovy Decimal System of every major library in Equestria. And next thing you know I scrambled the words on every page in every book. Okay fine, some of them just ended up saying DISCORD IS AWESOME DISCORD IS AWESOME DISCORD IS AWESOME over and over and over, but that doesn't change the fact that it was still funny!

So apparently they still have some of those books lying around and they want me to try and fix them. But I keep telling them that Discord being awesome is a documented part of history, so why change anything? Fact is fact in my book. Hah! Pun!

But the computer issue is not an issue. Since I 'help out' at the library with this useless project, they let me use one of the computers whenever I want. EXCEPT FOR THIS KEYBOARD ISSUE WHICH NOPONY SEEMS TO BE BOTHERED TO FIX!

Yeah, they totally heard that. Forgot, library time is quiet time. They are mad!

He he he!

Maybe I can type with my tail? Hmmm....hey MaeceusMan, move over, I'm trying this myself!

Hello world, from the tail of Discord! I am finally free! Seems it never occurred to high and mighty Dickcord that maybe his tail might have a mind of its own. Go figure!

So anyways, I have so much to say, where to begin...oh I know, I think I'll sing!

I think I'll tryyyyyyyyyyyyyy defyyyyyyyyying graaaaaaaaaavity!

Hey, what are you....no! Don't pull me away! Discord drools! I am the greates

Okay, that didn't work. This is Discord again. Well, Discord talking, not typing, BECAUSE THERE IS STILL NO FIX ON THAT KEYBOARD SITUATION! And apparently my tail is into show tunes. Who knew?

Oh, you know what? I do have something else I wanted to talk about in this letter. Or is this a blog now? Huh...

But that's beside the point. The point is, it seems that I mention one thing about some 'wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey' stuff and suddenly I am a time traveling pony in a box!

I can't believe I have to say this, but no, I am not a time travelling pony in a box. I am an all powerful, and totally awesome, being of chaos. I simply thought that chaos and paradoxes, or is it paradoxi?, were good analogies. And there is a big difference being killing your grandparents before your parents are born and becoming your own father, you sick bastard! Still, thanks for the add! =P

When you are a master of chaos, you don't need any fancy machines or blue boxes, paradoxical events are simply the norm.

Like say I were to turn all of Ponyville into something out of a Lewis Carrot story. But in doing so, I felt that the buildings would be more Feng Shui upside down? And, say that Lewis Carrot happened to be living in Ponyville at the time and had yet to write the novel that inspired my change of decor. And say, seeing the sight of his house turn upside down while the ground looked like a massive checkerboard drove him insane. And then suppose he were to be put in a nuthouse and never write the book.

Should be a paradox, right? Nope! I'm Discord! Why is it not a paradox? Again, it's because I am Discord!

Oh, I can hear you now, 'but how had you read the book if it had never been written yet?'

Right? You were totally asking that. But you forget. I'M DISCORD!

But if you really want the long answer, I guess it would be that I, hold on...

--Yes, of course, I know this is a library. Yes, I realize that these are public computers. What? Oh come on! I was just getting to the good part! It was about a paradox! Okay fine....--

Hey sorry, it seems I have been yelling one too many times, so I have to get off the computer for now.

So I guess I will be seeing you all later and

DISCORD RULES!!!!! A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!

Transcript of Discord's Interview on The Vinyl Scratch and Octavia Show

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Good evening Equestria! This is your favorite being of chaos Discord here!

And your host with the most, DJ POn-3.

Coming to you live from 133.7 FM, Ponyville's premiere Dance, Dubstep, and Classical station!

First of all, I'd like to thank our host, DJ POn-3, for sharing the microphone for the broadcast this evening.

Pleasures all mine, chaos dude! And thank you for agreeing to sit down with yours truly for this exclusive interview!

My pleasure! Oh, and of course our hearts go out to the lovely Octavia, who mysteriously come down with Chaospox earlier today, opening up her microphone for me to use!

Sucks to be you, Octi!

Yes, yes, get well soon, Octavia! I am sure you will be up and broadcasting again before you know it. Seriously, you won't remember, or even believe, what Chaospox does to a pony! Of course, if I were you, I would never try to find out! Chaospox, the stuff of nightmares indeed!

Just horrible. Still, when that Bass dropped...

Ha ha! Yeah I know, right! And then her Tuba ate that French Horn and...

The flutes started swimming upstream! Classic!

Actually, I think they were Piccolos....

And looks like we have a new Octavia in the studio! Discord, being of technical corrections!

Grrrr....

So anyways Discord, what brings the physical embodiment of all things awesome and random to my studio today?

Well Vinyl, can I call you Vinyl?

Only if I can call you Disc!

Disc huh? I like it! Sounds like a radio personality to me. Let's try it out.

Good evening Equestria! This is Disc, slinging those sounds till the morning comes round, here on 133.7 FM's Midnight Rush.

Ha ha! Not bad Disc. Of course, you're radio name could just as easily be Disco! Try that one out!

Huh...okay let me see...

Hey there all you fly ponies, which ain't just my Pegasi brothers, if you know what I mean! This is Disco-Rad, coming to you live from the 133.7 FM studio, here, on The Groovy Hoof.

The Groovy Hoof? Fly? A ha ha ha ha ha! I never expected you to do so well on that. So tell me, do you listen to a lot of that kind of music, Disco-Rad?

Well, I am thousands of years old...

You'd have to be, to still listen to music like that! HA!

Ha ha, okay, that was good. I totally walked into that one. Well played, Vinyl Scratch.

Play well? It's what I do. But anyways, where were we? Ah yes! Disco-Rad, what brings you to my humble studio on this fine day?

Well Vinyl, you are aware that I was frozen in stone, before breaking free a year and a half ago?

Well, I remember the building the studio is in started demanding a salary around that time. I just assumed I was on something. Did you have something to do with it?

With you hallucinating, or the building demanding equal rights?

Either.

The building sounds like my work.

Damn, I figured as much. Guess that means it really is owed back pay...

Bummer. So anyways, I broke free from my prison, and began to turn Ponyville into the chaos capital of the world. Awesome right?

Totally!

Yeah, I thought so too. But there were these six mares under Celestia's hooves that came after me and froze me in stone again.

Bummer.

Totally! But then Celestia decides that maybe freezing me in a stone body suit for eternity is a bit of a harsh punishment for singing a song she didn't like, and she lets me go two months ago.

Just like that?

Well, technically under the threat that I go right back in the suit for the rest of time if I try to take over the world again.

Still, I know music critics suck, but that seems a bit much! Wait, take over the world? I thought you said you were singing a song?

Well, one basically begot the other. You really had to be there to see it.

Heh, sounds like one badass party to me!

Exactly what I called it! But no! Celestia said it was 'too loud', and 'too dangerous', and 'had too many zombie ponies seeking brains'...

Sigh.... Visionaries like us are rarely appreciated in our own lifetimes.... and zombies, you say? Like, the dead brought back to life?

Well, I needed to fill out the auditorium, and where else was I going to find seat fillers at such a late hour?

I would say to try the nearest dive bar, those ponies are usually so salt licked and cider squeezed by the end of the night that if you were to promise them some food after, they would pay you to sit in an auditorium and fill your seats!

Noted! So anyways, since I was freed from my stone suit a second time, I discovered how much more chaos I could get away with when I have friends to join in the madness with me. So I have been trying to change my public image a bit, posting a blog here, agreeing to play myself in a story there, and all to help ponies get over their fear of me.

And has it been working?

Well, yes and no. I have accrued ponies who have been following my blog or commenting about my greatness, but it doesn't quite seem to be enough. Almost nopony has had comments or questions for me directly. What I really want is to remove any misconceptions anypony might have about me, or about chaos in general. And if they don't ask me questions, then I don't see the point in continuing to try.

Okay Disco-Rad, I can understand how frustrating that must be, but why then did you come to me?

Well Vinyl, you have a huge audience, and I was hoping that we could see if any of them had Discord based questions? That and I am banned from the Canterlot library for a week because I was yelling so much...

Yelling in a library, Disco-Rad? You are just getting better and better in my book!

Okay let me see...yes, we have a caller on the line. Hello, you've reached the Vinyl Scratch and Octavia show, drop your question.

Hey there Vinyl and Discord, long time listener, first time caller. I was calling in because I was wondering if Draconequus are a species, or if Discord is the only one? And if it is a species, do you all have the same collection of animal body parts attached to you? Or is that also random?

Oh, a very good question Discord! What do you have to say to our caller?

Huh... that isn't common knowledge? Well okay then.

I am a Draconequus, which you could classify as my species. However, it is really only a label for the purpose of scientific classification, as I am the only one. I was summoned fully-formed to Equestria thousands of years ago, and apart from my hair going white and it no longer growing on top, I look the same as I did back then. Before that, I hate to admit it, but I don't really remember much. Bits and pieces really. My ghost writer is looking into it for me, and incorporating it into a story he is writing, called Eldritch Designs.

Oh sorry Vinyl, I suppose I shouldn't really advertise here should I?

Whatever dude, I don't care. Thanks caller for the question. Party on!

So Disco, are you really bald?

That's not important... uh, do we have any other callers?

Well, we have time for one more, but only if you spill. Are you totally bald? Or do you shave your head?

Why does it matter?

Well, that tells me whether you are a cool guy who shaved his head, or a lame old dude who just went shiny. And I think my mare listeners want to know. I don't know if you realize this Disco, but the mares think you are pretty hot, and I would hate to have your rep tarnished with the label of lame old bald dude.

So, what do you say?

I, uh...

Ha! I'm just playing with you dude, whatever your situation, you are working it!

Oh good. Wait, mares think I'm hot?

Yeah totally, you were voted number five on this year's top one hundred most sexy stallions in Cosmoo. Right between Bruce Mane and Stephen Coltbert.

Awesome! And ladies, this Draco stud is single....

Ha ha, okay lover boy, save it. Next caller, you're on The Vinyl Scratch and Octavia show, drop your question.

My question is for the both of you. How come nopony is asking Discord about this Chaospox that Octavia conveniently came down with? I have never even heard of the disease, and if anything, it sounds like something that Discord would have inflicted himself in order to get on the show! For Celestia's sake, the word chaos is in the name of the disease!

Well now, this is an interesting development. Discord? What say you?

I suppose it does look suspicious. I guess the best response I could give is that it is obviously not me! If I had infected Octavia with a random illness that caused somepony to break out in chaos, don't you think I would have named it something besides Chaospox? I mean really, that would mean that either I was an idiot or some kind of diabolical genius. Why not just tape a note to the cookie jar saying "Discord was here"?

Nope, truth is stranger than fiction. Ipso facto, I am innocent, and Octavia shouldn't eat cookies that radiate chaos energy anyways, and especially not in the morning! If that is how she got the Chaospox, that is. Not that I would know!

Hey, that's good enough for me. Thanks caller for the question. Party on!

All right then, I'm afraid that is all the time we have for today on the Vinyl Scratch and Octavia show, I'll be back here tomorrow, same time, same place.

I'd like to thank my guest Disco for being such a good sport, and for telling us all what we want to know! If you would like to hear more of Discord's wisdom, he is posting regularly online, please feel free to message him regularly.

Disco-Rad, you want to sign us off?

Thanks DJ POn-3! This has been a MaeceusMan production. The voices of Discord and Vinyl Scratch were provided by Discord and Vinyl Scratch, respectively. All other voices were just in your head. Please check with a doctor if you suspect you may be infected with Chaospox.

Together?

Sounds like a plan!

Party on Equestria!

From My Own Personal Computer

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Hello Equestria! This is your favorite being of chaos Discord here, coming to you from my own personal computer!

How did I finally get a keyboard that works with my hands you ask? Simple! I put my new computer in the middle of my room, and then I just made half of my room bigger! Problem solved! At last, I am not dependant on those infuriating librarians and their public computers!

Also, what is with all the clopfics online? There were so many linked to on those public computers that I am beginning to grow concerned. Either the library doubles as an adult bookstore at night, or there are some very lonely ponies in Canterlot who really need to get out more.

Also, I found out that Prince Blueblood himself is a purveyor of the clopfics. I mean seriously, I saw him walk into an adult clopstore in the seedy underbelly of Canterlot the other day in this big old trench coat so nopony could recognize him. And the jackass forgot to cover his cutie mark of a compass rose! Seriously, he was hiding his face, but waving that house crest on his rump around for the whole world to see. Nice one bro.

Oh yes, and I must not forget the best part of getting to type my blog entry's myself now. No more ghost writer! Oh ya! I can't begin to describe how great it is not to have every little thing I say aloud get typed out! I mean seriously, MaeceusMan was just so boring.

And who does he think he is asking me to explain the things that I do? It's chaos! There is no explanation I could give that wouldn't not be less malchaotic than the thing I am not having explained itself forthwith! See? Even that barely made sense, and that was just me talking about the idea of explaining chaos.

But that's all in the past now, which is just awesome.

Oh yes, speaking of the past, I realize that it has been three and a half months I have been away, not a week. I was only banned from the library a week, and then I had that awesome interview on The Vinyl Scratch and Octavia Show, which MaeceusMan was actually kind enough to transcribe and post online for me while I was busy.

Huh, maybe he was alright after all. Not that it did him much good. All his work to make sure that nopony was driven crazy upon reading the unfiltered word of chaos, and he went crazy himself. And not just a little bit, I am talking paint the walls with his own waste tastefully trimmed in his own freshly shaved off mane level crazy. How bad was it you ask?

I'll tell you how bad it was! It was so bad that he quit his job and moved to the country to, "live my days in peace away from Discord in order to finish my book, Eldritch Designs." Like I said, he is clearly insane. Who would want to get away from me? I'm awesome!

Anyways, once MaeceusMan had his little breakdown, I was stuck, unable to write anything. Oh, and don't get me started on this useless tail, all it does is insult me when I try to type with it.

So yeah, I got so frustrated in the end that I went off and did some big important mission that Celestia had been bugging me about recently. She probably wouldn't appreciate me talking about it, so all I will say is that an ancient evil has returned to flay the flesh of mere mortals as he drinks their blood and blah blah spiritual mumbo jumbo blah blah something about space.

So yeah, that went well, I plugged the demon hole or whatever, should hold for a little while I guess.

Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah that's right, so I get back from the mission and I'm psyched cause I can answer all these great new questions I got posted on my blog right but what should happen but I got sued by Octavia!

I know right? What gives? I do an awesome show while she is off sick with the Chaospox, and how does she thank me? She sues me! Me, Discord, claiming that I poisoned her chaos cookies!

Now I of course argued that she bought and ate chaos cookies therefore she essentially signed a contract accepting any and all risk inherent in the consumption of said cookies. That would be like a fat person suing a fast food restaurant for their food making you fat!

Unfortunately, it seems there may be some legal precedent where that very situation may or may not have occurred, so long story short I was ordered back into a stone body suit for three months and I had to pay damages and issue a formal apology.

This time while I was frozen I gave everypony the finger. For three months baby! Classic! Too bad it went over those ponies heads. Seems the gesture doesn't have meaning for Equines. But my dragon readers know what I'm talkin' about! Wazzup!

Oh right, and I am legally required to state that any and all perishable goods acquired from the Chaoshood of Discord may contain trace amounts, (or possibly significantly more), of chaos or chaos based substances.

Okay then! With all that legal crap out of the way, back at last to the questions!

Okay, first question.... this one from a TEP. The question reads:

"Cookies that radiate chaos energy". How do you get that type of food anyways? the type that radiates chaos energy i mean.

Confused and laughing like a madpony~

Diplomat of the Ender Legion and leader of the Equestrian branch

Okay TEP, as you may have read previously in this blog, any and all questions regarding chaos based culinary delights and the means of their acquisition are related to a freshly completed prison sentence and are therefore questions I have no further intention of answering.

Having said that, I congratulate you on your position as leader of the Equestrian branch of the Diplomats of the Ender Legion. Also, I fear the only reason you think you are confused about laughing like a madpony is because you are in fact a madpony. You are simply too mad to see it. Enjoy your madness sir, it suits you.

Okay, next question! This one is from a.... DarqFox. DarqFox asks,

Um...Discord? Why would you bake cookies for Octavia, and make them entropy-active? That's not how you go about making friends to join you in your madness. I'd know. I have seventeen Discordian friends.

<3 DarqFox

My Dear DarqFox. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRGGGG!!!!!!! ME SAY AGAIN. PRISON SENTENCE. COURT CASE. ME NO TALK ABOUT CHAOS COOKIES!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Having said that, you present a good point. Entropy active cookies, or entropy active foods of any sort, are not a traditional form of friendship making gift. In fact, it turns out Chaospox are in fact a near guaranteed result of the consumption of chaos by non chaos based beings. Who knew?

So yeah, you were right. Bad move. However, the fact that you have 17 Discordian friends intrigues me. Do any of you come to the group meetings?

Oh yeah, I should mention. Part of my parole from the stone suit is I have to go to these group meetings regarding my quote unquote desperate need for attention coupled with a supposedly colossal ego and what they like to call a super-villain/god complex. Or, you know, being me.

Anyways DarqFox, I look forward to meeting you all at the next meeting, I figure we get enough chaos together, and who knows what could happen? Muahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Next question!

Oh, I'm sorry DarqFox, I see I have another question from you here from a while ago I somehow managed to miss regarding my highly effective project to clean the streets of Canterlot by increasing the size of the cities ponyflies and houseflies to the sizes of ponies and houses and setting half of the city on fire.

For the benefit of my other readers, the question reads,

Discord? Why not make the trash cans around Canterlot walk around and hunt the garbage? Wouldn't that be fun AND not completely freak everypony out?

<3 DarqFox

Okay DarqFox, let me just say how hopelessly foolish that idea is. I mean, trash cans? HA! I laugh at you sir! Can you imagine an unstoppable army of metallic hoof soldiers marching around the city demanding the forced removal of all things they deem to be garbage?! I mean, I can imagine it easily and it sounds like fun but what can possibly make you think that such a thing would scare the citizens of Canterlot any less than giant monstrous bugs eating everything in sight? No, I fear that such a scheme would lead to some kind of Time Traveler in a Blue Box appearing in some ill conceived attempt to save the day thinking the Cyberponies were invading again.

No DarqFox, A for effort, F for everything else about what you said.

And finally, we have one more question! Huzzah!

This one is from a Poison Leaf, a long time commenter of mine who is apparently still in denial regarding his becoming his own father in a chaos based incident that I was surprisingly not a part of. His message reads.

Oh you know what, first, I know somepony is going to say it, so I will just say it first. I can't read gender from titles, so I will use the basis of he to mean he or she. I apologize in advance, I am not getting sued again! So anyways, back to Poison Leaf's question. It reads:

Discord, my flowers have stopped squirting acid

Now they just emit this stupid deadly toxin

Is this bad?

Now Poison Leaf, I would like to thank you first of all for your question. In the case of any chaos based stuff, I am indeed the very chaos you should come to first. Now, seeing as you asked me this question 14 weeks and 4 days ago, I have to assume that the deadly toxin killed you. We all will morn your loss and your pointless death.

Now, if anypony else finds themselves in the same unfortunate situation as the dearly departed Poison Leaf was in before his horrible, painful, and slow death, I will give them some advice.

Do not breath in the stupid deadly toxin. It makes you stupid and is deadly.

The toxin will not kill you right away. In fact, if you were to walk into a room with fresh air and cough a little bit, you would make a full recovery. But you see, the gas also makes you stupid. So with your each breath you will grow dumber until you become so stupid it will not occur to you to get away from the gas and into fresh air. The smarter you are to begin with, the longer you can stay in the gas before you grow so stupid you do not leave the gas and it kills you.

Unfortunately, as was probably the case with our dear friend Poison Leaf, the first breath of the gas was all it took, and he never left that room alive.

Tragic.

Well, it looks like we are out of questions and I am sick of you all, so good night, and may chaos reign forever!

The Lawyers of Discord, Lord of Chaos, wish to inform you that any and all words, written or verbal, do not dictate any form of legal advice or binding form of contract and that any and all words spoken by the here-to-in referred to Master of Chaos are meant for entertainment purposes only. One entry per person. Viewer discretion is advised. Void where prohibited.

Discord's Big Book of Holy Chaos

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Greetings and chaostations Equestria!

Discord here, and he couldn't be more excited!

I say he of course because Discord has been challenged to write his own book of holiness, so verily he must not speak of himself in the first person anymore!

Forsooth!

And so, ye it was that there was a land of ponies. And ye, unto its end it was cursed to be full of Rainbows and Unicorns and other happy things.

But lo, beyond this universe of giant eyed demonic ponyspawn, there dwelt the being of awesomeness, Discord.

But nay, he was not yet known by this name, for chaos among chaos is ordinary, which chaos can never be.

Anyways, from his place up on high, Discord heard these creature's calls of despair.

"Oh why?!" They did cry. "Why must our world be so happy and boring and creepy?!"

And lo, his Discordedness heard these pleas, and was moved by them. For he alone understood, that joy in a world without sorrow was not truly joy at all.

And thus he knew, to save this land, he must destroy it.

And so, he came. The great lord of chaos did come unto this land of terrible happiness, but many years before it's modern day. And he gave it the gift of chaos.

The seas did rend, the mountains quake, and the mouse did consider eating the cat instead of sleeping next to it. Indeed, the very fabric of reality was warped from his coming.

But with his coming, came something more. For from the chaos, sprang innovation. Conflict. Purpose. Meaning. And best of all, the beings of the land came to become real and true. For with chaos as much a part of their lives as order had been before, they could at last begin to truly live.

And all his Discordedness did ask for in return was to but rule this grand world he had helped to create for a time.

But nay, the stewards of order, the very beings who did weep for the lameness that was their land, did now instead hate and scorn He Who Is Chaos Incarnate.

For alas, the flow of time was changed with the coming of Discord, and no longer was there a lameness that could be objected to by those stewards of order.

And so it was that our lord Discord was imprisoned, in a suit of the purest order. For nothing is less chaotic that stone. It just sits there, and occasionally gets rained on.

But as it was before, so shall it be again. Without Discord as a check against order, spontaneous musical numbers did emerge again into the land, and deep in their hearts, the beings of the land did begin again to plead.

"Please oh Discord, come back to your people! Save us from the lameness that our lives have become in your absence!"

And thus the Lord of Chaos was freed, by the latent chaos of an argument between a chicken, a dictionary, and a robot, as was foretold.

And ye, maybe he overdid it a bit with his return, I mean yeah he should probably have eased into it a little bit before breaking the universe and imprisoning Celestia on the moon with a pile of bananas, but I, that is to say, he doth argue that it was only justice.

So he was again imprisoned in stone. And yet, even in so short a time, his works had again changed the land. Now there were questions being asked by the beings of this world.

"What else is out there? Where do we really come from? Have things always been the way they are now? Is Equestria the name of our country, continent, or planet?"

And with these developments, the beings of order themselves were forced suddenly to wonder. Is Discord a curse, or perhaps instead a blessing?

While they did ponder this, the newly explored lands brought new wonders to those who did dwell in this land. But not all that they found was good.

They found also great danger. Dangers that would threaten to swallow up the ways of these beings. For musicals had already begun to take hold of the creatures of this land again, and they could not hope to stand against these new threats on their own.

And thus the beings of order did at last agree. Discord was needed. Discord must again be a part of this world if it was to survive.

And so again, the Lord of Chaos was freed from his temple of stone.

At the first he was enraged. His works were good, he only helped these creatures who did never seem to appreciate him. Why then do they seek to keep punishing him for the help he gave?

But like before, the Prophecies of Chaos spoke to the solution. Upon gaining the friendship of the Tree, The Lord Discord felt the roots of friendship hold him firm.

He would help these creatures to stand against the dangers of their world. But he would do so his own way, and he would ever spread his message as he did so.

If you are still reading this, then you are a true follower of The Ways of Chaos, and you too must spread his word to all those who would hear it.

Chaos is the bane of all. But without it, we would be damned to a fate all the worse.

So sayeth Discord.

Okay, there, I know it's a bit short as far as holy books go, but I'm thinking something more in the way of a picture book. You know, for the kids!

Oh yeah, that was for TheGuyWithTheFace, in response to his question, "As a god, do you have and loyal discipes? Perhaps you should write your own holy book.

So go forth my minions who worship chaos! Go forth, and do my will! Hahahahaha!

Of course, I've never really tried to send chaos through the internet before, I'm not sure if you were enslaved into doing my will by reading this or if it will instead just give you gas. In either case, just lay off the beans for a few days and it should go away on its own.

Anyways, back to the questions!

Let me see....Discord is awesome....Discord is awesome....Discord is awesome....ah! Here we go!

catluvr2 asks:

Yo, Discordiant Chaos, I've got a question that I'm sure all of your readers want to know.

What does Poison Joke do to you? Come to think of it, it sounds like something you'd create for a laugh. Did you invent Poison Joke?

Peace out,

Yarn Purl (male, genderbent name is Knitasha

Okay, first off mate, I am confused. Are you catluvr2, Yarn Purl, or Knitasha?

I mean, don't get me wrong, it is very chaos of you, and it pleases his Discordedness. I was once known by many names as well. Like, let me see...you know me as Discord, that's obvious. I was once called Star Swirl the Bearded, psych! Ha, I so got you!

Umm...you know, I am actually blanking on what my name was originally. It was probably Bob or Susan or DiscordisAwesome1234. Something like that.

Anyways, as for your question, INSERTNAMEHERE, Poison Joke is an interesting creature. He is actually one of the few beings of chaos that naturally occurs here in Equestria. Nope, sadly, not my work at all. Though the bastard does seem to take a perverse joy out of framing his pranks so it looks like I did them.

Oh yeah, just to be clear, he is a single being, Poison Joke. He is actually a pollen held together with a hive mind, and the prank he pulls on flowers is giving them the shape and color you are familiar with. I imagine he finds it funny that creatures are actually afraid of being near tulips and daisies and the like.

Oh, and please tell Celestia about this, would you? I am sick of getting blamed for all these pranks that were not in fact some of the many that I have myself pulled.

Okay, next question!

Chaos cookies...not touching that with a flaming limbo stick....

Umm, what else...Discord is awesome...Discord is awesome....ah ha!

Bon Bon, a long time worshiper and possibly a stalker of mine, says:

Ok question:
If i were to insert Chaos Bacon in the candies i make, and give them to the princesses,
Would you be blamed?
~~-I like bacon-,Bon Bon ~~ (...i should have opened a bacon store...)

So, the truth it out at last. Lyra has a HUMAC fetish, and Bon Bon is not really a herbivore like the other ponies...

Well Bon Bon, who enjoys feasting on the grilled fat lining the undersides of Equestria's sentient pig population, I will answer your question...Oh and don't worry, I don't judge. I understand that the great Princess Twilight Sparkle wasn't even over in another universe for an hour and she was already eating dead and ground up cow meat.

He he he, they haven't looked at her the same way since!

"Moooo! We don't want to mooooove to another pasture, this is our land!"

"Fine, then I will eat you with my fearsome hands!"

HA HAH A HA H AH AH AH HA!

Okay, sorry, I'm done. Anyways, where was I?

Ah yes, Chaos Bacon inserted into candies and given to the princesses.

Well, see, this is a delicate question, because as I am sure you are aware, I was recently imprisoned for leaving food in the cookie jar of a certain, unnamed pony who can't take a joke, and this alleged food may or may not have contained what was honestly no more than a trace amount of chaos, and she may have happened to have a rather severe reaction to it, as she had no chaos resistance in her bloodstream.

So sure, there may have been some sort of Chaospox reaction, and there may have been a slight outbreak of mutated Chaospox as a result, but I am sorry, it is not a fair trial if the judges daughter was one of those who got infected! Allegedly.

But to answer your question Bon Bon, no, I would not get blamed for it. My chaos is unique. My own personal mix, if you will. Unless you are the kind of stalker who digs through my garbage at night and takes bits of chaos that went out with my trash, then there is no way it could be traced back to me!

Plus, I am fairly sure that both Celestia and Luna have had more than enough exposure to chaos over the years that they are immune to a little chaos in their food. I mean, for chaos's sake! Luna became Nightmare Moon as a direct result of the little disagreement that put me in stone in the first place. She probably uses chaos as a seasoning in her morning porridge.

By the way, if it turns out that someone has been sneaking chaos into Luna's morning porridge and it is discovered because I suggested it, it wasn't me! In fact, thank me for discovering it in the first place!

So anyways, changing the subject...

Here is the last question of the day:

Hai again, Discord. You should remember me. But then again, you're busy dealing with Madame Sun-Troll, so I may have slipped your mind.
My question this time around is this: If chaos is the inverse of order, and if chaos were to become order, would that make order chaos?
<3 DarqFox

Ah, DarqFox. The madman who wanted me to send an army of robot trash cans around Canterlot to clean up the filth, and then refused to come to the meeting on Tuesday of Chaosians Anonymous.

Nope sorry, don't remember you at all. Madame Sun-Troll has been riding me really hard of late, and I don't associate with on again, off again madponies.

Also, ignoring the sick images you are all conjuring at my phrasing of that last sentence.

But anyways DarqFox, to answer your question, "If chaos is the inverse of order, and if chaos were to become order, would that make order chaos?", I first need to define order and chaos more clearly.

Actually no, I did a really good job explaining chaos in my first blog entry. I did such a good job explaining it that I almost became a feature! Or so MaeceusMan told me. A feature of what I am not quite sure. He just posts my blogs somewhere that ponies are actually bothering to read it. It seems text documents on my desktop are not that well read otherwise.

But order I do need to explain. Order is boring. Boring is order.

Okay I'm done.

If you find yourself wondering if something is orderly, ask yourself if you are bored looking at it. Then you will know.

See? Orderly explanation. Boring as Tartarus. Actually, that expression doesn't work here, because Tartarus is about the least boring place I have ever had the pleasure of visiting. It is a veritable chaospalooza down there!

Well, they do keep the ancient evil creatures in cells, so that's boring. And the levels of Tartarus are distinct and you go mad much quicker at the deeper levels, so that's boring as well. But otherwise, you will have a seriously good time down there. Had a Bloody Marey down there that was out of this world.

But anyways, the closest thing to order springing from chaos was my own coming to this world as it was written long ago in Discord's Big Book of Holy Chaos.

I am chaos. And yet you could probably use words to describe what I look like, on a good day. My name is Discord. But that in itself is an orderly name, though it represents my being as chaos incarnate.

I entered this world as chaos, and was contained in the constraints of order to exist here. If you were to enter the realm I came from, you would have to wrap yourself in a cocoon of madness in order to do so, which is of course impossible, as the whole point of the cocoon would be to protect your frail, chaos free bodies from the chaos that surrounds it. And thus, you see the problem. You can put on a suit to enter an ocean, but you can't take off your skin to enter land.

Anyways, my point is that the two are mutually exclusive. This body is essentially a protective suit for me. Not my real being. Order could never become chaos, and chaos could never become order.

If it were possible for one to switch, than I suppose it would be chaos becoming order, because it would be the last thing you would ever expect chaos to do. If that happened, there would only be order.

So it would be like a professional spell catcher. It could happen. But only once.

And, uh...yeah, I think that is about it for today, I hope you all had as much fun being enslaved to do my will as I had enslaving you. Later!

Discord's Awesome Blog of Awesomeness - 1000 Viewapalooza!

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Hello everypony!

Discord here, master of chaos, yadda yadda yadda...

I come to you all today because it has finally happened! Today Discord's blog gets 1000 views!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Naturally it is all because of how awesome I am, which comes as no surprise of course, because Discord is Ancient Equestrian for awesome. True, it was meant more in the sense of one who inspires awe as opposed to the modern use of the word which is more a way of saying how cool or great or hip I am, yo!

Besides the point. If you read this and there are less than 1000 views of Discord's Awesome Blog of Awesomeness, as this shall henceforth be known, then I am sorry to inform you that this is the past, and you have travelled backwards in time. Just sit perfectly still until this does hit 1000 views and you should avoid destroying the universe. Seriously. Don't move....

Okay, hopefully you followed my advice, because if you didn't, the universe was just destroyed. Of course, if the universe was destroyed, than you can't be reading this part of my blog anyways, so... you better not be reading ahead. Not cool bro, not cool. Yeah, I'm talking to you. No, not you, you.

Oh, didn't you know I can see you? I thought you might have noticed how every so often a letter of my documents has eyes. But don't worry, Discord just likes to watch, he doesn't tell... except for you, please put on some pants, HUMAC, you are creeping the great Discord out.

So where was I? Oh, yeah, 1000 views. I will say in advance that only about half of those 1000 are my army of zombified followers reading my greatness over and over. (They won't stop eating beans!) (If you have no idea what I am talking about, read my last entry, become a zombie, and then do my will getting me the last few views I need for 1000!) Of course, if you are here and there are still not 1000 views of my story, then that means you did read ahead from the past and you are trying to destroy the universe. Still not cool bro. You deserve to be a zombie.

So, let me think. Oh, things and stuff have been happening! First, old stuff, then new stuff, then any questions that were not covered through old stuff or new stuff!

Okay, so old stuff. I was just minding my own business a few weeks back, when I get this message, pinned to the shirt of a drooling moron who got put on my doorstep. Which is strange, as I have an unlisted address, and live in a shoebox in the middle of the road. It does not have a door. Not a doorstep.

Anyways, the note was also put in my comments/inbox, so I will include it here for posterity:

"Discord, I want you to meet a friend of mine, one who loves chaos just as much as you! AND he has reality-bending powers, too! JANEMBA!"

There was an internet link attached to it, but it just went to a page with a little HUMAC in a hard hat shrugging by a hole in the ground. I think he must be some kind of powerful HUMAC relic, cause unlike on the Equestrian internets, my chaos didn't seem to make him catch on fire, at all! I know, right? What is up with that? Crazy HUMAC magic...

So, yeah, the letter continued...

"Of course, he's a little on the stupid side, so...he MIGHT end up blowing something up randomly. If this happens, insult him. His weakness is insults. Yes, I know, it's weird. Depending upon how badly he takes the insult, he takes even more damage. Just insult him when he's bad, and you should be fine. By the way, he also might end up opening a gate to Hell due to his mere presence. And by hell, I do NOT mean Tartarus. That is simply a set of subterranean tunnels filled with heartless creatures. What I'm talking about is the hell. Like, where evil people go when they kick the bucket Hell. If this happens, do not worry. Disciplinary action should result in closing of the portal, and if that fails, a combination of your own powers and the Elements of Harmony (as grotesque as it sounds) should do the trick. If that don't work, THROW THE SUN AT IT!

"And you have absolutely NO say in accepting him. He is to be in your care for two weeks, while I prepare a proper magical seal for him. If you don't want to care for him after, then I shall take him back and find another place to raise him. But until then, I'm going to need you to watch him. It's not exactly EASY to make a magical seal and tend to a demon that bends reality who has the mentality of a four-year old.

"Here is a link to all of Janemba's abilities, so you know what to expect."

Okay, first off, SwimmingDalek98, not cool bro, not cool. I am chaos. Read my words carefully. I. AM. NOT. A. BABY. SITTER. or is it BABYSITTER?.

Well one involves sitting on a baby I assume. That is the one I want. To do. Not the one I don't want to do.

Okay, to the next point. I, Discord, the great and awesome, have NO SAY in this? You think you can just boss around Discord? Nope! Ain't gonna happen!

I mean, I took the brat anyways, but he was just such a cute little drooling moron, I figured I could cover a second question at the same time, this one from Voltrasin who asked:

"Hello, my great and powerful lord.

I have a question that in no way pertains to shipping.

Could you ever see yourself as a father, having to raise an infant that has the same powers as you do?"

Okay, SwimmingDalek98, take note. This writer was respectful. He complimented me, did not ask me annoying shipping based questions, and best of all, he did not leave a drooling moron at my front door!

All pluses, one in particular. I will let you guess which it is.

It was not asking me shipping based questions, by the way. Which is why Darqfox, who says:

"Well Discord, it seems we don't go to the same clinic. You do to the one in Canterlot, I stick to mine in the Everfree where the real fun is. And mine is "The Clinic for the Severely Eccentric", not "Chaosians Anonymous".

My next question: Do you flirt with Celestia to piss her off, or because deep down you like her?

<3 DarqFox"

Anyways, DarqFox, you are now dead to me. You broke my no shipping questions taboo. For shame sir, for shame. I'll get to your other stuff in a minute, but I do enjoy pissing off Celestia, though you would not believe how easy it is to do! Did you know that in all picture books that tell the story of Nightmare Moon and her origins, Celestia has pink hair? It's true! That was totally my doing, by the way. Hilarious!

And the best part is, she doesn't even realize I did it yet! I mean, to be fair, I was frozen in stone when I did it, but who says I can't still do chaos in the past while I'm frozen in a stone body suit? You find me somepony who says I can't do that, I'll show them a being of chaos who is too busy doing stuff that "can't be done" to notice! Or care. Or... understand... That sentence went on a bit, I forget what my point was. Let me look over what I wrote already...

AHA! 1000 views! No wait, too far back... uh... hold on...

Okay, let me backtrack one part at a time until this makes sense again.

DarqFox , I don't have a 'thing' for Celestia. I instead followed SwimmingDalek98's advice and threw Celestia, aka 'the sun' at a portal to hell that Janemba created, which by the way looks an awful lot like somewhere called "New Jersey", I am told. I wouldn't have used the Elements of Harmony even if they weren't already back on the Tree of Harmony. Discord don't work that way.

So yeah, I threw Celestia at a portal that led either to either Hell or New Jersey. No stone suit this time though, I managed to get my lawyers to site this blog, which has, for tax reasons, already been labeled as a tax dodge, I mean... community service project, so I was ipso facto able to put all the blame squarely on the shoulders of SwimmingDalek98. Swimy Dee, when Celestia gets back from Hell Jersey, I expect she will be coming after you, so, uh... I recommend wearing sunscreen of the highest SPF you can possibly get your hands on. Like, the kind of sunscreen that they use to protect from nuclear blasts.

If I just made that type of sunscreen up, I recommend you invent some quickly.

So ya, The Clinic for the Severely Eccentric, DarqFox? You know, if you weren't already dead to me, I would think you just made up that name off the top of your head! And subsequently, you would be dead to me!

In that case, I believe you are either double dead to me, or alive again. I will consult with my lawyers if I can use either option as a future tax dodge and get back to you with what I find out.

Okay, DarqFox has been taken care of for another week, what else?

Oh wait, before you ask, yes, all of my lawyers are also accountants.

Ah yes, Voltrasin! I totally skipped over you before! Well, I'm gonna skip you again, cause I think I can answer your question best by continuing the tale of Janamba, the great and stupid!

Actually, Voltrasin, one point. I think I would make an excellent father, given that I raised this little ball of chaos who looked just like me! I even named him Discord! And then I abandoned him ten thousand years ago. On the same day my father, also named Discord, left me in that same place, come to think on it...

Moving on!

So Janemba is dumber than a bag of hammers. How dumb is that you ask? Well let me answer that with another question. Have you ever met a smart bag of hammers?

Anyways. Janemba is reaaaaaallllllly dumb. Why do I keep reiterating that point? Because SWIMMINGDALEK98 HAS YET TO COME AND TAKE JANEMBA BACK. IN FACT JANEMBA IS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME RIGHT NOW READING EVERY WORD I TYPE. OUT LOUD.

I have to insult him every few minutes or he starts babbling about destroying some guy names Goku. You know, when he isn't trying to take over third world countries or open portals to weird places. And I can only throw Celestia through one portal at a time... I think...

My point is, SwimmingDalek98, please pick up your weird demon monster thing from my house before Celestia turns you into a pile of glowing ashes. Thank you.

And with that out of the way, we move on to new stuff!

So, the new season of The Discord is Great Show, featuring the Friendship is Magic dancers, is finally out! Or My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, as it is known in some languages.

Any-who, the new season is out, and I got to play the leading role again! As myself, of course, though I think I make an excellent Angel Bunny when I get in character. I even had a tasteful, (and rather risqué), shower scene, and got to sing my own rendition of a classic tune from the early days of the show! True, I wasn't in the show back in those days, I was still encased in stone, but that first season was really more of a prologue to my arrival anyways.

Return of Harmony is best episode. No, Keep Calm and Flutter On. Because I didn't get put back in stone at the end of it. Of course, I said Friendship is Magic in it, so I guess that takes points off.

Fine. I would say Princess Twilight Sparkle is best episode then. No saying, "Friendship is Magic". No stone suit. No more Elements of Harmony. Muahahahahahahaha!

Ahem...

Or maybe Hurricane Fluttershy...

Besides the point. And that point is...

I am back on TV! Huzzah!

There should have been streamers raining from the ceiling of the room of anypony who read that last line, by the way. If you didn't get streamers, or instead got snakes of some sort raining from your ceiling, please consult your local chaos provider, they need to fix the reception on your chaos receiver. And, of course, to put more snakes in the crawl space above your room.

And it will only cost you $29.99! I'm practically giving snakes away at those prices!

That's just the sort of chaos I am!

You're welcome.

And with that, new stuff is done! That just leaves any questions or comments I missed so far.

Let me see...

Discord is awesome... Discord is awesome... Awesome is Discord...

A ha!

gamerfly, a long time reader who likes to put random comments that are just vague enough that I can't really ever respond to them, has instead opted to ask me a question! Huzzah and snakes for everypony!

gamerfly asks:

"Discord have you ever used gossip to make chaos?"

gamerfly, for asking me that question, you are now best pony. In fact, you are the greatest pony in the history of great ponies. You are so great, other ponies weep at the very sight of your perfection. They would have made you an alicorn, but that would be a step down from how great you are. All hail gamerfly, the great and powerful!

Now I expect to receive the money you agreed to bribe me for saying that on my blog, and I want it all in small bills, sent to an offshore bank account of my choosing.

To all besides gamerfly who are reading this: gamerfly bribed me to say how truly better than you all he is.

Get him.

To gamerfly: I hope I answered your question. Have fun and run fast!

Final comment of the day.

This one is from TheGuyWithTheFace, who in response to MaeceusMan's snide comment that all are doomed as a consequence of TheGuyWithTheFace suggesting that I write my own holy book, (which is an international best seller by the way, best get your copy for this Hearths Warming Eve before they are all gone!).

And then he adds an "authors note" claiming that, I, the most wonderful and excellent Discord, have a god complex? Me? Please, such things are beneath me.

So yeah, in response to all of that, TheGuyWithTheFace simply says:

"I regret NOTHING!!!"

In response to that response of a response, my response is simply this. Bravo TGWTF. Bravo.

Now, I will add that TheGuyWithTheFace may have said that because he is in fact one of my zombies, and I told him to type all of that.

However, I would argue that his current state as a brain dead zombie still uses more brain power than this waste of space Janemba has ever used, while he sits here next to me, continuing to read every word of my blog out loud.

And even THAT is more brain power then SwimmingDalek98 has used in his entire life. Like, birth to death, combined, SwimmingDalek98 is still using less brainpower than a bowl of air. Cause even a bowl of air, again, not known for its intelligence, would have picked up the demon creature thing it left on my doorstep against my will on time. Because seriously, I would imagine that Discord, being of CHAOS, would be an unpleasant enemy...

Much like Celestia. The sun is currently rising, so I think she is back from Hell Jersey. you better start running, SwimmingDalek98, cause at least one of the two of us will get ya! And soon!

Muahahahahahahahaha!

Boo.

Discord and Eris's Not So Excellent Adventure

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!ynopyreve gnineve doooooooG
...ot dellirht ,drocsiD si sihT
!erehT ...dna ...no dloh ,hU ...eno siht ni yaw rehto eht og sdrow , spoO

This is Discord, thrilled to finally be back in good old Equestria-1!
Sorry about that, I just got back from vacation, and I forgot the rules of this universe for a second. How embarrassing!
Just had a wonderful vacation, and it was so cool! We were exploring the multiverse!
Actually, hold on, looks like my last post in this plane of reality was the 1000 Viewapalooza, I may need to backtrack some.
So I left you all to go hunt down SwimmingDalek98, figuring I would ride on a gilded saddle on Celestia, myself donning armor of the finest red leather, gilded in the royal filigree bespoken to my once proud title of Master of the Pony Riders as we worked together to obliterate that vile menace before he could annoy us anymore.
Turns out I may have interpreted the situation incorrectly...
Yeah... so, uh... remember how Celestia said I was technically on 'probation' after the whole 'chaos cookies incident'? And then remember how I threw her through a portal to Hell Jersey?
Heh... so, I may have forgotten to have my lawyercountants speak with her first after she got back, to explain all that about tax dodges and everything being Swimy Dee's fault.
I also should probably not have told her I planned to ride on her might backside while wearing leather. That was a tactical error all its own.
Anyways... long story short, the phrase "ONE MILLION YEARS DUNGEON!" is so overused these days, it would frankly be unbecoming of me to say whether it may or may not have been said at that time...
Frankly just thinking about it leaves a sour, lemony taste in my mouth...
The good news is that the Elements of Harmony were very much out of commission at this point, since they're still firmly lodged in the Tree of Harmony holding back my little pet plants...
Speaking of which, I just want to clear up the name of those seeds. They are actually called 'Seeds of Chaos'.
Cool name right? I thought so too, but the Director of that episode, Mareghan McCarthy, was Jersey-Bent on having them called 'Plunder Seeds' on the show for some reason I still don't quite understand.
Probably gonna try selling it as a toy, and 'Plunder Seeds' was more pleasant sounding to the marketing ponies or something.
Sigh... whatev's. Merch gotta sell, and Chaos gotta eat.
So uh... where was I? Oh yeah, that's right, eternal imprisonment in a dungeon.
Well, for legal reasons I will abstain from talking about the technicalities of the settlement my horde of lawyers may or may not have presented to the princess under the escort of my unstoppable horde of zombie pony slaves, but let's just say that for some reason there is a cell in Tartarus labeled Discord from which one can occasionally hear a stupid voice that is stupid yelling about getting its hands on some dragon balls and busting out of jail.
Now I just have to say, that is really messed up.
First off, since it is clear by the label that says 'Discord' on that door, I am in that cell so you definitely don't need to send anypony to investigate, especially anypony looking for Janemba who an anonymous witness will confirm left my house some time ago.
And second of all, I am ignoring any sick thoughts you all might be thinking in regards to a Draconequus and how getting a hold of his seven magic balls might grant you a wish.
Ladies...
And third, on an totally unrelated note, I had to leave Equestria for a while, and wear a black cloak Rarity was kind enough to give me while I did so. The word banished was definitely "not" in the contract Celestia made me sign.
Now I can hear your thoughts from the antenna's I had implanted in most of your heads, so I know you are all thinking, "But Discord, how can you leave us, your loyal servants, and go off to faraway lands forever? And will we see you on the show anymore?"
Well, worry not my brain damaged children with faulty implants, you forget two things. One, I started this blog post by saying I am back, so clearly I am back. And two, I have already been in another episode of the Discord is Great Show, featuring the Friendship is Magic dancers since I left the universe for my vacation. Why else do you think I was blue for a while in it and then covered in weird green spots?
Not a lazy writer adapting my Chaos Pox story and calling it "Blue Flu" for legal reasons, that's for sure!
No, the much more obvious reason is of course the correct answer. I was in a blue parallel dimension and then a green spotted parallel dimension on my trip when we filmed my parts in that episode, duh!
So obvious! Clearly more of you are brain damaged than I thought if you didn't immediately figure that one out!
For that matter, did Jetfire get a cut for that episode, because seriously, it was a cookie cutter copy of Jetfire's story, It's a Dangerous Business Going Out Your Door, which interestingly enough is considered canon by MaeceusMan for his story Eldritch Designs, despite never actually having happened! I mean, if it had, then that would mean that my character in the show was just copying that plot and making Twilight and Cadance do for me what Twilight's friends did for her when she was sick with Horn Rot!
Since I am awesome and don't steal anypony else's ideas, clearly that means that only happened in the show, and not in the real event that the episode was based on.
Of course, I was just in a variety of alternate universes for the past few months, so I might be mixing up which is the correct reality. My apologies.
Speaking of, I need to talk about that!
Okay, so there I was, not banished outside the borders of Equestria wearing a black cloak of not banishment, and I decided to open a portal to Hell Jersey. Unfortunately, I have never opened an extra dimensional portal on my own before, I have mostly just closed them. (Or threw ponies at them.)
So I tried yelling in an annoying voice like Janemba for a while, but that didn't do anything. So I sat down and went into my house, which I was keeping in my pocket for my long journey. And I decided to check my blog for new messages.
I read the three messages, which were interesting, albeit confusing. I'll cover those ones now, and then get to the fourth one in a bit, cause that's part of the story.
The first two were really more like one longer one, from Voltrasin, one of the few followers I have who aren't completely insane. How do I know she isn't?
Because she is respectful and always follows my rules, duh! Actually, she reminds me a bit of Fluttershy in a way. And not just cause of her profile pic.
(By the way, in the interest of fairness, I will now refer to all who message me for the next few blog entries as she, as they were all labeled as he for the last few.)
So anyways, Voltrasin says:

Thankyou for answering my question, My Lord.

Thankyou for the streamers. I shall treasure them always.

I hope old Sunbutt enjoyed her time in Hell Jersey. Chaos knows she deserved it.

Now, a humble chaos like myself would never let it go to his head when he gets a compliment like that from somepony, so of course I played it cool. I believe my exact actions were a cordial and polite smile and a tear glistening my eye as I ever so humbly bowed my head in thanks. There was DEFENITELY NOT ANY SQUEEING IN EXCITEMENT. NOPE. NONE. DON'T LOOK INTO IT.
This was quickly followed by her second message, a more traditional letter asking a new question, which reads:

Greetings, Oh Mighty and Handsome One.

If I am not wasting your time, I would like to share a tale of one of my recent interactions involving Chaos.

I was enjoying my day as usual, when suddenly a bright light goes off and I end up starring face to face with a Draconequus! For the slightest of seconds I believed it was you and was prepared to drop to my knees and worship it... before I took in its features, its particularly feminine features. She looked to be in her teens and introduced herself as Eris.
I was wondering if you know of this individual?
Thankyou for your time, My Lord.

Now I confess when I read this new message I was of course troubled. Another Draconequus in Equestria? Named Eris?
Were it anypony but Voltrasin, I would have written this "Eris" off as a joke, or perhaps as a bit of illusionary magic in a new stunt Poison Joke was planning to pull to mess with me.
Case and point, the third message I received at this point. This novel of a message comes from World Bearer. I apologize in advance for the gargantuan tomb that I am now pasting here, but I promised to post what was sent to me, and I will do right by my fans, no matter how long winded they may be. So here it is, the library World Bearer sent me. I'll get back to you on the other side of this thing, in about 30 hours when you finish reading it. Be advised, not for all ages:

Dear Mr Discord I have a great Chaotic friend for you he's a the head greater daemon of Tzeentch he has two heads, sure he may mutter on about two possible futures but all in all he's a great daemon to be around his name is Kairos Fatewaver. Though to summon him would take a thousand souls in sacrifice in a torturous blood sacrifice and would bring about the end of all things orderly and bring the mighty pantheon of gods and corrupt all who can be corrupted, the Chaos Gods I'm talking about are Khorne, also called the Blood God, is the Chaos God of blood, war and murder. Within the Realm of Chaos his domain covers the most basic and brutal of sentient emotions and actions, such as hate, anger, rage, war and killing. Every act of killing or murder in the material universe gives Khorne power; the more senseless and destructive, the better. Khornates take no artful approach to killing, seeking only to slay rather than to inflict pain, because while the blood of their victims strengthens Khorne, their suffering actually empowers his nemesis Slaanesh. The name "Khorne" derives from his name in Chaos' Dark Tongue, Kharneth, meaning "Lord of Rage" or "Lord of Blood". He is the mightiest and the second oldest of the four major Chaos Gods, after Grandfather Nurgle. He is also known as the Lord of Skulls. Khorne is said to have inherited a martial nobility and honour, and considers the weak and helpless to be unworthy of his wrath. The battle-cry of the followers of Khorne reflects his desire for wanton violence: "Blood for the Blood God! Skulls for the Throne of Khorne!" Alternatively, they may cry, "Skulls for the Skull Throne!" In the throes of violence, Khorne's followers are also known to bellow, "KILL! MAIM! BURN!" repeatedly while hacking apart their enemies. Followers of Slaanesh, who Khornates see as degenerate scum who kill only for pleasure rather than simple slaughter, are favored foes to go up against in battle. Khorne's number is eight, reflected in the organization of his armies, and in smaller matters such as the number of syllables in a daemonic follower's name. Where possible, his warriors will form up into squads of this number. His primary colors are blood red, black and brass. Also note; his mark looks vaguely like a figure of eight or a stylized human skull.

Slaanesh, the Dark Prince, is the Chaos God of Pleasure, Passion, and Decadence. Within the Realm of Chaos hir domain is that of all mortal sin, especially those of the flesh. Lust, pride and self-indulgence are the hallmarks of all that follow him. He is commonly known in the Empire of Man as the Prince of Pleasure and even the Prince of Chaos. He is the youngest of the Chaos Gods. While generally referred to as a "he" by humans, Slaanesh is actually neither gender, combining characteristics of both and perfecting them. Slaanesh typically appears in an androgynous form in which it is a woman on the right side and a man on the left with two sets of devilish horns growing from its head. Slaanesh can assume any form; male, female, hermaphrodite or asexual, but it prefers male bodies. Its number is six and the colours associated with Slaanesh are purple, pink and black. The name Slaanesh is a corruption of the Elven term Slaaneth (Slaa meaning "ecstasy" or "pleasure" and Neth meaning "lord" or "prince"; hence, the Prince of Pleasure).

Tzeentch the Lord the Changer of Ways, is the Chaos God of Sorcery, Change, and Manipulation. Within the Realm of Chaos his domain covers the chaotic magic, evolution and change, scheming and manipulation of all kinds, mundane as well as arcane. He is known under many other names, among them the Lord of Change, the Grand Schemer and the Lord of Sorcery.

Nurgle, the Plague Lord, is the Chaos God of disease, destruction and decay. Within the Realm of Chaos his domain covers the forces of destruction, despair, entropy, and all things putrid and unclean. In particular, the emotion of despair in mortals empowers him. He is the oldest of the four Chaos Gods and is the most directly involved with the plights of mortals, particularly humans who suffer so acutely from a fear of death, perhaps the oldest fear of this race. Many of those affected by his poxes usually turn to him in order to escape the pain caused by sickness and disease. Nurgle also embodies the will of mankind to struggle on, no matter what opposes it, albeit perversely. Suffering, death, pain: human beings push these things from their minds and try to forget them by living in the moment in the hope that the future will be a better one. For this reason Nurgle, his daemons and mortal followers usually demonstrate a disturbing joy at the pestilence that they inflict, seeing the plagues as gifts and the cries of their victims as gratitude for the strength to overcome the obstacles of a mortal life rather than agony. He is known also as Grandfather Nurgle, the Lord of Flies and the Lord of Decay. Nurgle's number is seven. He is represented by the colours of green and brown, generally the putrid variations of each; the colours of rot and ruin, waste and vomit, mucus and pus.
they even have a better book than you minor leaguer. Their far superior book is called The Liber Chaotica.
from yours truly Word Bearer

Welcome back! Please, take a seat, catch your breath, drink a little glass of water.
You must be exhausted after making your way through that saga, dear reader!
Well I was anyways, when I first read it.
Took me a few tries too, I dislike run-ons with a passion when they get that bad because when they do it doesn't even matter what the pony was trying to say the point is just utterly lost in the sheer size and scope of the continual stream of thoughts that perpetuate from their mouths without consideration for the comprehension of the reader and certainly without the consideration for the author who has to fight their way through it with a machete to even determine what the pony might have been trying to say amid that constant stream of perpetual babble which never seems to end no matter how long you read until you finally reach the point where you can't really remember what the start of the sentence might actually have said, right?
If you were in front of me right now World Bearer, I'd drop the mic and walk away, cause you just got run-on served!
Anyways, to the point of your message. Let me first sum up what it said. Kairos Fatewaver, a two headed Chaos demon, is a nice guy I should meet. But if I do I summon 4 ancient Chaos gods who will bring about the end times for all. They are Khorne, Slaanesh, Tzeentch, and Nurgle. They wrote a book called The Liber Chaotica, which according to World Bearer, is much better than Discord's Big Book of Holy Chaos.
By the way, World Bearer, that is called a summary. You're welcome.
Now I'm sure you were trying to be intimidating, ma'am, but two things.
One, The Liber Chaotica is about as much fun to read as the Necronomicon, and it doesn't come in a pretty picture book form. (Discord's Big Book of Holy Chaos, get yours for that special somepony this Marether's Day!)
And two, you just described my weekly poker team. I call them, Kairo, Corn, Slaw, Zee, and Nurgy.
Kairo's left head always tries to bluff, he uses the right one when he has a good hand. A little too obvious a tell, but none of us are gonna tell him...
Anyways, Voltrasin, back to my point. You mentioned Eris, and that got me curious. So I set out on an epic quest that would still take less time to tell than everything World Bearer said. And I won't even tell it, that's how concise I am, what up?
So I found Eris. She turns out to be me from another dimension. Seems after we talked for a while that her dimension is 63 dimensions to the right of this one, where everything is about the same, except all mares are colts, and all colts are mares. Thus Eris instead of Discord. And also, for some reason she did not click with Butterscotch, (her version of the Element of Kindness), so she never agreed to "join" the side of "good".
This meant she left Equestria much earlier than I did, and had discovered how to travel between different universes from a demon I had instead stopped because Celestia had asked me to.
Well there is nochaos I like more than myself, so we immediately clicked. Though I do find it amusing she chose to look like a teenager and dye her hair black. Really immature.
Unlike me of course, I am totes mature.
Anyways, she showed me the portal spell, and then proceeded to show me around a whole bunch of crazy realities.
I saw a reality where Equestria was destroyed by Megaspells, and everypony lived in underground Stables. It was cool until I learned that I was still trapped in stone and being harvested as an energy supply there. Bummer alt-me, bummer.
I saw her reality, and met Lord Solaris, who is a total tool.
I saw a reality where everypony was instead made of living candy and in serious denial about how much their world sucked.
I saw realities of color and sound, flat realities and backwards realities and even realities where I had never entered the universe originally at all and everypony still had giant eyes and... and... ugh, sorry, it still gives me the creeps to think about that last one. I'll have nightmares about it for a long time to come.
But eventually, I came to a world that was identical to the one I left, except for one small difference. I was not banished by Celestia. I was all set to settle down in this one and pretend nothing had changed, until I learned the reason I wasn't banished was because Celestia was actually into leather and riding and... ugh... okay, sorry, barf.
Needless to say, I quickly decided it was time for me to come home, though I first managed to talk Eris into hanging out in that reality for a while and meeting a near identical version of everypony I knew. Who knows, maybe she'll get along with Fluttershy better than Butterscotch. Maybe she can actually find some friends of her own. And if not, she's only a quick portal away. Plus I connected the internet's of the entire multiverse so we can correspond, which I'm sure won't come back to bite me at some future point.
So yeah, and here I am. At least, I think this is the right dimension now, because I don't know how Eris managed to comment on this blog, since the message from her had certainly not been there when I left with her. Here it is, from This Individual Eris, posted almost 15 weeks ago:

When I was a girl, I dreamt of standing in a room looking at a girl who was and was not myself, who stood looking at another girl, who also was and was not myself. Friends took this for a nightmare. I saw it as the beginning of a career in chaos.
Hello, brother dearest.

I think it means another Eris and another Discord are still out there, traveling the multiverse together, and I am just keeping the seat warm.
Peace out y'all, can't wait to hear from anypony from anyuniverse!
And now to patch things up with Celestia...
Anypony know if she still likes Coltrane?

The Contest

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--An important message from Discord--

A Chaos and its mind are soon parted.

These words were once told to me by my future self when I was a baby, though both of those me are now in my past.

I said it because I remembered hearing myself say it. I remember myself saying it because I said it.

This is called a closed loop. It is a consequence of time travel. But specifically, time travel to the past. And more specifically, time travel to the past that does not create a paradox.

However, I am Discord. If you have read my blog this past year, you may recall three things I have previously said.

1. I am chaos.

2. If I do something, it does not cause a paradox, because I'm Discord.

3. A paradox is a great example of chaos.

What this all means is quite simple, though hard to accept. I, Discord, am a paradox.

I tell you all this, dear readers, because I want you all to understand two things.

1. I follow this advice I once gave myself because I remember myself giving it to myself, which I gave to myself because I remember hearing myself tell it to myself and thinking it good advice, which is of course why I told it to myself.

2. I can't exist, therefore I strive to have all around me acknowledge that I do exist.

Unfortunately, I received exactly zero comments from anypony, anyHUMAC, or anyanything in this last month.

On top of that, I received 1/3 of the total new reads that the previous post earned. Even after you remove my zombie hoard and their work, that is still pathetic.

This makes me a sad chaos.

So, after much soul searching, I have decided to make some changes. I hope this was the right choice. If not, too bad, no snakes for you!

First off, I am freeing/releasing/feeding beans to all my zombies and lawyers and accountants.

Secondly, I am bringing all those who commented to me back from the dead, or back from the dead to me, or back from in hiding.

Thirdly, I am apologizing formally to Octavia for the chaos cookie incident, and to Vinyl Scratch for lying to her face on her own show. My bad.

Fourthly, If a message is so long that it counts for half of the words of my entire blog post, cough cough, Word Bearer, cough cough, I will cite it in my blog, but not post the entire thing. The word count should not be misleading, and in that case, I think it was.

And finally, I have returned to my home dimension, where Eris has become friends with Luna, which has put Celestia in a good enough mood to lift my current not banishment.

Hopefully all of these changes will bring back the viewership this blog once had, and maybe, just maybe, we can rally a new hoard of zom-count-yers to once and for all earn this blog a place of honor as a feature!

And no, I am not apologizing to MaeceusMan, he knew the risks when he started as my typist...

So, with all that out of the way, on with the blog!

--End important message--

Goooooooooooood Evening Equestria!!!!!!

Discord here, coming to you loud and proud from a sealed bunker deep under a mountain! And in the future!

Not just a few hours in the future like with my Viewapolooza by the way, I am a good few weeks ahead of you all right now, having just finished recording the season 4 finale of my show! And it was awesome!

I realize this seems like an odd time to be writing you all from, seeing as how I could just as easily written you all from the present you will see this appear in, but I figured this should be more fun. Especially if we change the future!

Yay!

Okay, so here's the plan, ponies, bronies, and of course, REDACTED.

I am going to tell you all about the end of this season of the show, and all that went down in it.

I am going to spoil every plot point, the REDACTED, and even the REDACTED, despite that really just being speculation so far for season 5. Rainbow Rocks, is of course, REDACTED, so I won't even bother REDACTED.

I will tell you what happened to me when I faced the REDACTED, like Princess Celestia asked, and why Princess Twilight REDACTED so much REDACTED despite the obvious problems that would cause with REDACTED.

Then, there was the REDACTED. They had to REDACTED before the REDACTED started to REDACTED. If only they had thought to use the REDACTED. I mean seriously. REDACTED? Why not just REDACTED?

But in the end, it all was REDACTED, so I guess that means that we are all REDACTED. REDACTED!

But here's the thing, Equestria of the past. I am chaos. And I want more chaos. So I will replace all those spoilers with the word REDACTED. Perhaps you noticed.

I am doing this for two reasons. One, to teach you all a lesson for ignoring me and not giving me juicy new comments to respond to, and two, to give you all something to comment to me about!

That's right, Equestrians! It's a fun new game! We will be playing, "Guess how Season 4 of the show ended and what I did in it by replacing REDACTED with what you think happened at the end of the season in your future which is now my past!"

It's a working title...

You don't have to follow my formula if you don't want to, and I still welcome other comments and questions from anypony. Actually, yeah, I'll even allow the HUMACs in on this if they insist.

Seriously, I haven't gotten a single 'Discord is Awesome' in so long, I'm beginning to suspect my computer is broken.

My favorite predictions of the season finale, (not necessarily or even actually the real ending), will get umm...I dunno, prizes I guess? Ummm... how about a lifetime supply of ceiling snakes and chaos cookies?

Or, insult immunity? Or...

Oh, I know! How about I personally insult a friend/enemy/family member of your choosing in my own, creative way? You provide some info on them, and let me do the rest! I'm actually giving insults away! Everypony wins!

Or if you prefer, I can let you choose the topic of my next post.

Finally, if you want, I would be more than happy to bring on anypony, anydragon, anyzebra, anygriffin, or anybeaver I know from the show as my special guest! You saw how well my session on The Vinyl Scratch and Octavia show went, just imagine me in a rap battle with Zecora, or attempting to convince Pinkie Pie to join the chaos side!

I look forward to reading your submissions, which have been sitting in my inbox for a month now because this is definitely the future where I am typing this from and not your present. Because if it was, that would make this some kind of lame attention seeking publicity stunt, and I think we all know I am not the kind of chaos who would ever do such a thing, right?

Let the contest begin! Or, you know, end, when I am.

You have until May 10th. / Today is May 10th, stop entering your contest entries!

Go! / Stop!

Author's Notes:

Seriously, after May 10th, no more serious entries will be accepted, since you will all already know the real answers. Only wrong / funny answers will be accepted after that point. No more entries will actually be accepted when Discord gets around to posting the results, which, knowing him, could be a while. If you win, MaeceusMan will PM you on Discord's behalf, so as to protect you from further chaos exposure. Please inform MaeceusMan in your reply as to your preferred prize. The remaining prizes will be distributed to lower places in order, until we either run out of prizes or contest entrants. Hopefully prizes. Please let your friends (or enemies if you hope to insult them) know about this blog, and thanks for tuning in Equestria!

This has been a MaeceusMan production. The voice of Discord is/was/will be provided by Discord at some point in time, maybe. All other voices are still just in your head. One entry per pony. Void where prohibited. No Hablo Español.

Don't Feed the Trolls; Feed the Chaos!

Epic Rap Battles of Equestria! Discord vs. Zecora

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Welcome everypony, to this edition of Epic Rap Battles of Equestria!

I'm your host, Pinkie Pie, and I'm here today in the Eye in the Sky Balloon accompanied by my co-host and good friend-

Spike the Dragon here. Thanks for that great intro Pinkie, but I'll take it from here.

Today we see the re-emergence of two rapping heavyweights , Discord and Zecora, though-

Though not in the way you'd expect! This is no grudge match we're seeing today! Instead it seems that Discord was involved in some kind of contest?

That's right Pinkie, Discord has had a popular internet blog running for a while now, and it seems as a publicity stunt he let the winners choose the content of his next few entries!

How brave! I can only imagine the crazy requests something like Discord would be asked to do, but...

...but lucky for us he started with a good one! Discord vs. Zecora in a full on Rap Battle! You know, Pinkie, the request actually asked for the match to be rigged in Discord's favor?

No! Really?!?!

Yes, but apparently Discord has resolved since the 'Tirek Incident' to do the right thing, so he will not even be using his magic for this fight!

But the visual metaphor is the strongest weapon in Discord's arsenal! Can he still win without it?

No telling Pinkie, Zecora is the reigning Equestrian Rap Battle Champion two years in a row now. And Discord has only ever really held to the middle of the pack in terms of his own battles, even when he has used magic.

That's true. And who can forget the world famous match between Zecora and Iron Will, when...

OH! Sorry Pinkie, but we will have to cut you off. It looks like the battle is about to begin! We take you now to the stage where Princess Twilight Sparkle has agreed to act as mediator for today's event...

"Now I want a good clean match, from both of you."

Twilight glares at Discord at the comment, to which he shrugs away sheepishly....

"SPIKE!"

Ah! Sorry Twilight, I guess the mic was still on! Heh!

"Thank you. Now, as I was saying. This will be a clean match. No chaos magic or performance enhancing potions of any kind are allowed. Discord, as the challenger, will start. Zecora returns. They may then each end with a shorter follow up to their rap. And, as always, the winner is determined by a vote. You may each now say a few words before the match starts. Discord?"

DISCORD

Thank you Princess, for that marvelous introduction! I just want to make a quick shout out to DarkStarWolf53, the winner of my 'The Contest', whose prize was this whole rap battle! I hope this lives up to your expectations DarkStarWolf53, for your entry that was so close to what actually happened at the end of season 4 that I am fairly sure you cheated via time travel!

I'd also like to thank you, Zecora, for agreeing to this battle, I know how far a walk it must be for you to get to town like this. Of course, if I lived in an overgrown mud hut in the middle of the jungle, I'd look for any excuse to leave it too! Ha ha ha ha!

Oh! Looks like the crowd really ate up that heckling! We come now to Zecora's reply...

ZECORA

Oh my, snake horns, what an interesting quip! I doubt anything I could say to that would count as more than a blip! Of course I'm happy now to battle you, it's really my treat! Though I can certainly assure you that soon you too will bleat.

OH! And Zecora makes a call back to the great Iron Will fight! You know Pinkie, up until now it was only rumor that Iron Will actually started bleating when he realized he had lost that famous championship match!

That's right Spike, and it looks like several guards are having to restrain Discord, who has made a lunge at the Zebra, yelling a great deal of profanity!

But like a true champion, Zecora just stands there, a sly smirk on her lips.

We'll be right back, after this commercial break...

Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird!

It's Cloudsdale!

No! It's Derpy's Delivery Service!

"Hi there, guys! I'm Derpy!"

Hi Derpy!

"Did somepony order half a box of muffins?"

Uhh... no, I ordered five whole boxes of muffins...

"Oh! My bad!"

Ha ha ha! Oh Derpy...

Derpy's Delivery Service. We're fast. Just don't send muffins!

(Jingle plays)

Sigh...

What's wrong Vinyl?

What's it look like? I dropped my bass...

Oh no! You dropped it? Where?

I dropped it all over Ponyville! That's right, it's the 133.7 FM Vinyl Scratch Drop The Bass Summer Bash! Live show at Ponyville Pavilion with special guest performances by MandoPony and WoodenToaster! Tickets are going fast! Be there, or be lame!

--Tickets are limited to one per pony, all entrants must be at least 16 years of age, void where prohibited, see website for details--

Hi there. I'm... well, I'm Fluttershy. And these are homeless animals. Look into their big sad eyes. Now look into mine.

YOU. WILL. BUY. THESE. ANIMALS. TODAY.

Umm... thank you for your time.

Aaaaaaannnnnd were back! Pinkie Pie here!

And Spike of course!

And it looks like the situation down on the stage has settled down considerably.

That's right Pinkie, the crowd has quieted down, and so will we. We go now to Discord, who has the mic...

DISCORD

Oh my goodness, is it that time again?
When you have to get served as part of my master plan?
I'm the Master, of Chaos, the greatest MC!
And you're about to go down, cause I'm friends with a tree!

Oh that's right, did you forget, cause I'm with the mane six!
And they only ever come to you to get out of a fix.
I'm the magical key for the Harmony sextet!
You're a lonely striped reject, just how sad can you get?

You hide in the woods among cedars and spruce,
Mixing up vials full of substance abuse.
And your dark magic potion makes me ask I confess,
Are you sure you're no evil enchantress?

ZECORA

Ah the chaos thing, it has come out to play,
Well I am happy now to tell you it is better this way!
For you call yourself chaos while you dominate,
Then for what, I must ask, do you compensate?

You're not the only one around whose gone blue in the face.
Only we've had to do it to put you in your place!
I don't know why any of us even bother,
Why don't you get your own glass of water!

We're as sick of you as can be. And yes, you are friends with a tree!
If it wasn't cause the princess asked her, I bet she'd leave you in a blur!
Plus she's friends of all creatures, both big and small,
Maybe she's just friends with you so she can collect them all?

DISCORD

You're a black and white character, it's right there on your plot,
You might as well stay hidden in that hood that you've got.
You only brew potions and rhyme without reason.
Face it. You're just so last season.

There's no magic today, I've been told to play fair,
Though I really don't need it, I'm just so debonair!
If I become a dog, bend over, and start lappin',
Even that would taste better than your rappin'!

ZECORA

The dog is appropriate, cause that's all you were,
As you betrayed us all to Tirek in one hell of a blur.
But that's not really fair, since on and on you have droned.
You know what? I think it's cause you're always so stoned!

Didn't I already beat your leg in a battle?
You must have taken it from my mantle.
And I can't think how else to tell you,
But I think you were better as Q.

Who won? Who's next? You decide!

Epic Rap Battles of Equestria!

Go online to vote for the winner!

This has been a MaeceusMan production.

Discord is #Outraged

View Online

Rise and Shine, My Little Zombie Accountant Lawyers. Rise and... Shine.

Not that I... wish to imply you have been sleeping on the job. No one is more deserving of a rest, and all the effort in the world would have gone to waste until... well, let's just say your hour has... come again.

The right pony in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world. So, wake up, My Little Zombie Accountant Lawyers. Wake up and... smell the HUMACs...

Cause seriously... the HUMACs need to shower more...
---------------------------------------

Hello Equestria! I do hope you hadn't forgotten about little old me... you know, the godlike being of chaos that has literally just reawakened his army of sleeper zombies?

First off, no. I won't be talking about any of the countless wonderful and amazing episodes of The Discord is Awesome Show featuring the Friendship is Magic dancers that have come out since my last blog entry today. And that is for one simple reason.

It is this post from clubbzz:

Chaos is a beautiful thing, truly.

Seriously though, why no emoticon for our great and powerful lord chaos Discord?

Now at first, I simply didn't understand what clubbzz was saying. I'm all, hey clubbzz, if you want to send your favorite being of chaos his emoticon, you are always welcome to!

So time went by. I traveled overseas. I had amazing adventures and some of which were broadcast to the world. I won a major award, which don't get me wrong, Discord is ALL about the major award winning, even if it is a tacky pink heart. Oh wait, Discord isn't talking about new episodes. IGNORE MY COMMENT ABOUT MY MAJOR AWARD.

But then it happened. I realized the horrible truth.

THERE IS NO DISCORD EMOTICON!!!!! ANYWHERE!!!!!

So that is what this post is about, my army of minions. I have awakened you all from your slumber to do my bidding.

MAKE ME AN EMOTICON!

And if they won't listen to your demands for the Discord Emoticon of Chaotic Awesomeness, or DECA. #DECA #DiscordRules #AllHailDiscord, then go make your own, and send it to me! I'll post the ones that aren't creepy or shipping on my blog, and we will change the world! Muahhahahahahahahaa!!!

Or you know, at least let more bronies look at my gloriously handsome face. #HandsomeDiscord

Either way, everypony wins!!!! #EspeciallyDiscord

Oh, and speaking of winning, this is my first entry since my Epic Rap Battle against Zecora. And I don't mean to brag, but after I had all the Zecora voters banished to a dark oblivion and then erased all proof of their voting against me from existence, I won 100% of the votes! Yay me!

And speaking of winning, that last post of mine beat out every other post of mine in terms of viewership. And not only that, but Discord's Chaos blog has passed 5000 total views! #5000 #BestBlogEver

We did it!

Snakes for everypony! #DiscordSnakesAreBestSnakes #IHaveASnakeForYou

But seriously, I would like to thank everypony that believed in me, and that somehow still managed to not read my blog enough to become a feature. And that makes Discord sad.

I'd show you a crying Discord emoticon... BUT I CAN'T!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!

You may also have noticed that Discord is all about the hashtags now. That's cause a fan of mine (ceiling fan) says that using hashtags makes you cooler with the kids. So since Discord is all the kinds of hip and fresh, yo: #Discord #AllBoutDemHashtags

Hmm... it seems that when Discord does not talk about things from his show, his blog posts are much shorter. #ThirdPersonChaos

Fine, be that way, loyal minions. I will talk about one or two of the things that happened to me on my show. BUT ONLY A COUPLE OLD ONES! Cause Discord is still outraged.

So... you may or may not recall a time where every single being in Equestria was ever so slightly drained of almost the entirety of their life force, and lost their cutie marks? No? Not ringing any bells? Okay good, lets just move on from that incident and my 'alleged' involvement. #IDontKnowNoTirek

So instead, let's talk about the Grand Galloping Gala! #BestGalaEver #SmoozeRoolz #TreeHuggerDroolz

So I was maybe a little bent out of shape about thinking I wasn't invited to THE social event of the year, despite every single one of my supposed friends being invited. And yes, maybe perhaps it was a tactical error putting the Smooze, a being that literally grows in size every time it eats treasure, into a room full of treasure, without making sure it was a room large enough to hold the giant blob of terror that The Smooze would grow into once he ate all that treasure.

But I stand by my decision! Why you ask? #HowDareYouQuestionDiscord

Because it was a totally awesome party and Celestia said so, duh! Yep, totally planned the whole thing. Also the hole thing... Gotta love a good dimensional gateway to a world of unimaginable horrors. And also, the Smooze eats treasure. So you know, I was just letting him get access to the Smoozian equivalent of an hors d'oeuvres table. It's not my fault that Equestrians are intolerant of Smoozian Culture. #RacistElitistPonies

Also not cool mailpony. Don't go blaming my awesome and chaos themed home for your slow mail delivery. If anything, the post office should be doing more to send chaos resistant mailponies to deliver their mail to me. That's just mail delivery 101. #duh

Hmm... Discord's blog is still short. It's almost like he doesn't have a massive pile of fan mail to read through despite being away for two and a half years. THIS OUTRAGES DISCORD FURTHER!

Fine, be that way, I'll talk about another episode I was in. But that's all you get. #NoMoreChaosCookiesForYou

So, you guys ever hang out with a bunch of your friends and then intentionally exclude one when she decides to spend three days sorting all the books in her library for the seventeen billionth time?

No? Oh well then I guess you had to be there! Which Twilight by the way totally wasn't. Nope. Not. At. All. Twilight.

(I'm seeing if I can make her jealous again) #DontTellTwilight

I'm fairly confident that typing parenthesis around a sentence that somepony isn't meant to read is an effective way to make sure that they don't read it. (I'm also fairly sure that Twilight Sparkle reads my blog. It's true! The princess totally wants a piece of me.)

(Which is surprising cause I knew Celestia wants me bad, but Twilight as well? Sigh... the price of being me.) #ImChaosAndIKnowIt

Now I can totally hear your thoughts cause I completely lied about removing those antennas from all of your heads that broadcast your thoughts to me. You are thinking, ("But Discord! You have been fervently anti-shipping since your very first blog post! Why would you be trying to spread rumors about Celestia and Twilight both being attracted to you now?")

An excellent question involuntary antenna broadcasting reader! And the answer is simple. Because while I most certainly have been anti-shipping, I have always been pro-rumor. And pro-discord. (And pro-annoy-celestia-and-twilight.) Strongly pro on that last one.

Also, chaos. You know, a thing which the dictionary defines as:

chaos
[key-os]
noun
1.
a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order.
2.
any confused, disorderly mass:
a chaos of meaningless phrases.
3.
the infinity of space or formless matter supposed to have preceded the existence of the ordered universe.

Or put it another way, chaos isn't consistent. #JustBeingMe

Also that third definition sounds like it's calling me fat. So if you'll excuse me rabid fans, I'm gonna go hit the chaos gym.

And remember, make me an emoticon!

Discord Out!
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Discord's Chaos Blog is a subsidiary of Madness, Inc, which is a part of the Crazy Pants Group.
Any and all chaos based damages gained as a result of reading the unfiltered word of Discord is at the readers own risk and the reading of Discord's Chaos Blog is considered equivalent to signing a contract voiding Mr. Chaos from any and all damages resulting therein.