Where do you want to start?

View Online

"All of Time and Space; everywhere and anywhere; every star that ever was. Where do you want to start?"
- The Eleventh Doctor

Raggedy Adventures

Chapter One: Where Do You Want To Start?

Edited by Rain-M24

Hello, my name is Colgate Minuette, and this is the story of my time with the best stallion in the universe. His name is the Doctor. I know what you're thinking, but he's not that Doctor. He's my Doctor. You probably know him as "Rags," but that's not his name. Of course, "The Doctor" isn't his name either, but it's good enough.

***

It was just another day at the office. Yep, nothing quite like rotted molars, plaque-encrusted bicuspids, and cavity-coated incisors to make a day suck. Of course, that was before it became the best day of my life. Before I met my Doctor, and before I opened my watch. I had just sent Bon Bon back home to Lyra, and was about to close up for the night, when I heard the little bell on the door go ding. This was odd, of course, since everypony in town knew that it was closing time. Then, like a flash, in rushed a gray stallion, with a weird metal... thingy clutched firmly between his teeth. Of course, now I know that it was his Sonic Screwdriver, but let's not get ahead of ourselves, okay? I was puzzled by him, so I did what I always do when I'm curious: I asked questions.

Oh, how the Doctor loves questions. Why, I remember this one time-- Oh, wait. Can't tell you yet. Time travel, it really messes with you. Now, where on Gallopfrey was I? Oh, yes.

"Sweet sugar-free suckers! Who are you?"

The stallion just... waved me off. Naturally, I got P-O'd at that. I mean, here was this strange stallion in a bow tie and a stupid hat, intruding on my place of business, making weird sounds with a metal thingy, and ignoring me. Who wouldn't be upset under those circumstances? Nopony I know, I'll tell you that much.

"I'm the Doctor, now please shut up, I'm trying to save the world."

Naturally, I assumed that he was nuts.

"Yeah, right. I don't know what you're going on about, mister--"

"Doctor. I'm The Doctor."

"Doctor who now? You know what, it doesn't matter. Just get out of my building. I have a big day tomorrow. Pinkie Pie's coming in, so I need to be at my best." Honestly, with the amount of sugar that mare consumes every day, it's a wonder that she still has teeth.

"Oh, Pinkie? I haven't seen her in ages. Well, ages for me. I doubt it's been a week for her," he blabbered, still absent-mindedly scanning the room with the Sonic.

"What? That doesn't make any sense, Doctor Whoever-You-Are."

"Aha! There we go," he exclaimed, opening... some kind of secret compartment in the wall. Inside was a... thing. It looked a bit like a squid, a mosquito, and a hedgehog had a very ugly child. Picture a purple squid with six eyes, a mosquito's... nose-thing, and a hedgehog's spines. You just try getting that image out of your mind.

"I mean--" I continued, making my way over to him, "WHAT THE HAY IS THAT THING?!"

"That, my dear, uh... I'm sorry, what was your name, again?"

"Colgate."

"Right, thanks. That, my dear Toll Gate, is a Zaarthanog. Nasty thing. It feeds on-- well, pain and fear, among other things, so I'm not sure why it's here. It can't possibly get a good meal at a... I'm sorry, what do you do here, again?"

At his question, I proudly stuck my snout in the air and said:

"It's Colgate, and I'm a dentist."

"Oh. Well, that explains it," he muttered, whilst turning back towards the Zaarthanog.

"I'm sorry, but what did you just say? I'll have you know that not a single one of my patients has ever complained! Wait, what are you doing to the Za... Zuhr... Czar..."

"Zaarthanog. It's an emotional parasite; and I'm trying to get a proper reading on it, so would you be so kind as to shut up and let me work?"

Oh, that did it. Nopony, and I mean nopony tells Colgate Minuette to shut up.

"What? NO! Doctor or not, you do not talk to me like that, especially not in my own office! You and that... Zaar-thing are leaving here right now!"

DOC... TOR...

"Did you say something? Please tell me you said something," I asked the Doctor.

"No, that would be the Zaarthanog. Stand back, and watch me do my thing."

Oh, no. He looked... thrilled. Almost like he wanted to show me how great he was. Things like that don't usually end well for the ponies showing off. I watched him turn back to the Zaarthanog, and address it.

"Yes, I am the Doctor. How might I be of service?" he asked it.

THE... DOCTOR... SUCH... PAIN... HATE... FEAR... DELICIOUS... DELICIOUS... FEAR... SO... MUCH... EMOTION... TOO MUCH...

The Doctor gave me a look that said: I've so got this.

THE DOCTOR... A LEGEND... THE ENDLESS FEAST... MY WORLD... SURVIVED CENTURIES... OFF THIRTY MINUTES NEAR YOU... WITH ALL THAT HATE... PAIN... RAGE... PASSION... I COULD BE... IMMORTAL...

Hearing that, the Doctor seemed to get less cocky. That... can't be good.

THE OTHERS... CALLED ME MAD... FOR WANTING TO FIND YOU... BUT I KNEW... THE DOCTOR... LOVES EQUESTRIA... SO VERY MUCH...

"Doctor... what's that thing talking about?"

"Oh, I went to its planet a while back. Didn't like it much, and left. That was back when I had my last face... and about 1000 years back from its perspective, so... yeah."

I blinked, momentarily dumbfounded.

"Its... world? Last... face? A thousand years? What the hay are you?"

"Oh. I haven't mentioned that, have I? Sorry, I'm getting old. Downright ancient, if I'm being honest. As I said before, I'm the Doctor. I'm 1,387 years old, I'm a Time Charger from the planet Gallopfrey, this is my twelfth body, I have two hearts, and I fight evil."

YOU HATE ALSO YOURSELF WITH A PASSION... CAN'T LEAVE THAT OUT... YOU BLAME YOURSELF... FOR EVERYTHING.

The Doctor got really mad at that. I've seen ponies get mad before, but... it was so much scarier when it was the Doctor. It's hard to explain, but when I saw him glare at the Zaarthanog, I nearly wet myself.

"Now, let's not go there, Zaarthy. I know you're just trying to sustain yourself, but don't milk me. I've already got enough emotions in here without you aggravating me. Look, you've already mooched enough emotion from me to live, oh... I'd say roughly twelve thousand more years of a very active lifestyle, fourty-nine if you just... hang out. Of course, that means that you can leave now. In fact, you could use a ride home. Wait! Almost forgot!"

With that, he gripped the sonic back in his teeth, and scanned the Zaarthanog. After staring at it for a couple of seconds, he turned to me.

"Oh. Well, that's not good. I'd been wondering how he got here. You see, Colgate, Zaarthanogs won't develop space travel for another... six hundred years, give or take a few weeks, so he couldn't have gotten here on his own," he said, before turning back to the Zaarthanog. "So, tell me: how did you get here?"

I THINK... HE SHOULD... BE THE ONE... TO TELL YOU... DOCTOR...

"What? Who?" the Doctor asked, urgently.

"Me."

I turned around, and there was a blue pegasus. Dark blue, though. His mane was all spiky (not to mention a lighter, but still kinda dark, shade of blue), and his cutie mark was a constellation. I couldn't tell you which one, I was never too good at that kind of thing. Oh, and he was wearing a black waistcoat over a light blue shirt. When I say "light blue," I mean "almost white." Then the stallion turned to me. I was about to make some lame excuse for why there was a gray stallion talking to a... thing in my office, but the stallion spoke first.

"Hi, Captain Jack Harness," he said, with a charming grin and an extended hoof.

"Colgate Minutte," I said, shaking his hoof.

"Well, hi there, Colgate Minutte. Nice watch."

"Stop it."

"Doc, I was just saying hello!"

"For you, that's--"

"What watch?"

They both turned to face me, and Captain Harness pointed at my neck while he spoke.

"The one around your neck."

TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER TWO

It's a Chameleon Thing

View Online

"But it's not a watch, it's a thing, a chameleon thing."
- Martha Jones

Raggedy Adventures

Chapter One, Part Two: It's a Chameleon Thing

Edited by Rain-M24

"Yeah, there's no watch there," I said, turning from Jack to the Doctor. "Doctor, tell your friend that I'm not wearing a watch."

"But you are, Colgate. I don't really want to believe it, but there's no point in denying what I can plainly see. Everything matches up. You might be a Time Charger," the Doctor said.

Looking back, it's kind of funny that he got so choked up. I mean, he was on the verge of tears. Tears. Can you believe it? Of course, given what I now remember about him, it's not too surprising. Oh, wait. Spoilers, right? Sorry. I tend to get off-topic. Have I mentioned that before? Ugh, I'm doing it again. Aw, ponyfeathers. Anyway, the Doctor was so overcome with emotion that he didn't notice that the Zaarthanog was growing. Not just a little bit, but a whole bucking lot.

"Doctor, I think that might need to wait. Turn around."

The Doctor was so overcome that he just did it. Trust me, later on, you'll understand how big of a deal that is. Anyhoof, he turned around, and the Zaarthanog was huge! I mean, it was at least three times its original size. When the Doctor saw it, he gulped. I had no idea why that scared me, but believe you me, it really did. The Doctor looks like he's seen a lot, okay? Besides, shut up.

The Zaarthanog seemed to have decided that the emotional energy the Doctor had allowed it wasn't quite enough. Typical guy, give him a more than generous offer, and he says "screw you," then takes everything. No, I haven't been divorced, I just have a bad history with stallions. It's not my fault, though; I mean, they're so hard to find, I wasn't exactly raised in an area where stallions were abundant! You know what, I don't care what you think of me, you need to hear what the Doctor said to the Zaarthanog.

"Hey! Now that was just rude. Admittedly, I based my calculations on my last body, so they aren't exactly accurate, but-- wait, where's Jack?"

Looking around, I noticed that he was right. The Captain had vanished, and...

"When did that mare get here? No, better question: Miss, how did you get in here? The door is locked, for crying out loud!"

Yes, a strange mare had arrived, and Captain Jack Harness had vanished. This mare was a cream color, with a two-toned red mane, and-- wait a minute! That's Roseluck! What in three haystacks is Roseluck doing here?

"Rose? What are you-- oh, I see. I get it now, very clever," exclaimed the Doctor, who had apparently recognized Roseluck as well.

"Doc, I don't get it, what's Roseluck doing here? Didn't she up and vanish a few years back?"

"Rose used to travel with me, late in my Ninth and early in my Tenth lifetimes. Since I know why, or rather how, she left me, I know exactly what's going on," he said, rather matter-of-factly. "You see," he continued, picking up the sonic screwdriver in his teeth, "Rose got trapped in a parallel universe on an adventure. She came back once, but that was a special case. Last I heard, she heads up that universe's Torchhoof Institute, which Jack heads in this universe. Anyhoof, The walls between the universes are closed, very closed, actually, so she absolutely cannot return. This, of course, means that the Zaarthanog must be attempting to manipulate my emotions. Unfortunately, he's greedy, so he picked two of the ponies that bring up more emotions from me than any others. Jack made some sense, but Roseluck? Not a chance."

When the Zaarthanog heard that, oh, you had to see it. The look on its face: Oh, priceless! The Doctor had been using the sonic on the Rose analogue the whole time, and you can probably guess what happened next: "Rose" turned into a very weird, very blank-looking metal thingy.

"Oh, that's interesting. A psychic-projection drone, clever!" exclaimed the Doctor.

"Doc, do you really think that you should be complimenting the anachronistic galaxy-traveling alien parasite on its intellect?" Whoa. Not a sentence I ever thought I'd use.

"Politeness is key, and I'll get to you later, Rebate," the Doctor said, offhoofedly, while turning from the psychic projection device to the Zaarthanog.

"Now you," he said to the (still very large) Zaarthanog, "have been a very naughty Zaarthanog. I mean, stowing away on a supply ship, stealing a Psycho-Projectron Mk 12 from the planet Stallonious 9, and then toying with the emotions of the oldest, most crafty veteran there is? Clever, I have to admit, but it's mean, and just plain rude. Also, I've complimented you several times now, and you haven't once said 'thank you,' so you're clearly rather rude, as well."

Okay, can you believe it? That Zaarthanog was terrifying, and he spoke to it like a misbehaving little foal! You can't tell me that's not cool. The Zaarthanog seemed to still be reeling from it too, since neither of us realized that the Doctor was still sonic'ing. Well, it got on my nerves a little.

"Doc, what are you even doing with that thing?"

"Oh, you didn't realize? No? Well, Poll Mate, I've been using my lovely sonic screwdriver here to signal the Stirrup Proclamation. Before you ask, they're space cops. Now, I'd estimate that they've been monitoring the entire conversation, and should be here in, oh..." he paused to check his pocket watch, here, then closed it, looked back up, and said: "now."

As soon as he said that, bright light poured in from every window, flooding the room. The ceiling levitated- that's right, they pulled the ceiling off- of the walls, and a bright light (I assume it was some kind of tractor beam or whatever) shot down from the sky, surrounding the Zaarthanog. As it was dragged into the air by the beam, the Doc just kind of looked at the ship (from which the beam originated) until it flew off, when he shouted:

"And don't come back!"

I wish I could tell you that I said something snarky to the Doc, or shouted something witty at the now-gone ship, but I can't. My mind had been blown too much in the last half-hour for me to think clearly. The roof thing was the straw that broke the metaphorical camel's back. The "camel" of course meaning my brain, and its "back" being my ability to roll with the weirdness. A mare can only take so much. The Doctor seemed to notice this, though.

"Hello? Colgate? You there? Well, don't worry, it seems that you've suffered minor shock, but I suppose that's to be expected. After all, this has been a pretty eventful day, and-- my screwdriver!' He then scurried over to a twisted hunk of silver and copper, a pained expression on his face. "My sonic screwdriver...." Okay, that did it.

"My place of business is nearly destroyed, half the town's going to be talking about aliens for the next week, I have to clean the teeth of Pinkie Pie, of all ponies, tomorrow, and you're worried about a screwdriver?! Wait... my name."

"What about it?"

"You got it right... wait! Why are you so upset over your screwdriver, anyway?"

"Oh, that. Well, when I lose something, I generally choose to be overly dramatic, and have a good cry, you know? That way, I can get it out of my system, and move on. Now, we were going to talk about that watch of yours, weren't we?"

Oh, right. Almost forgot.

"Look, it probably doesn't even work. It's... stuck, or something. Let's just move on," I said, trying to reason with him. I mean, so what if I've never really noticed the dull silver watch around my neck before. Then again... I wonder what the inside's like...

"Colgate, what are you doing?"

What was I doing? Oh, I was taking off the watch so I could open it.

"Colgate, you might not want to do that..."

I didn't hear him, well, I did, but it was kind of like... background noise, you know? I was just so focused on that watch... I wasn't thinking, I just... opened it. I remembered. How could I have forgotten? It was all so clear now. I knew who I was.

"Whoa, Doc, memory surge. Long time no see, by the way. Romanadvoratrelundar, at your service."

END OF EPISODE 1

Romanadvoratrelundar

View Online

"By the time I've called that out, you could be dead! I'll call you Romana."
- The Fourth Doctor

Raggedy Adventures

Chapter 2: Romanadvoratrelundar

Edited By Rain-M24

The Doctor stood there, his mouth agape. Admittedly, I could have chosen a different way to reintroduce myself, but the one I chose was just so much fun, you know?

"But you know, I kind of like 'Colgate,' much better than Romana. Never did care much for that, but you were so insistent, weren't you? No! Wait! 'Cole' would be even better! Oh, yes, Cole! It's just brilliant! Ponies used to call me that while I was living as Dr. Minuette, you know, and I always really liked it! Oh, wait. Doc, are you feeling well? Then again, I guess it's to be expected. Been a few years since the Time War, I suppose."

The Doc just sort of stood there, taking it all in. Hm, might take a while. I wonder if my old TARDIS key still works... Oh, wait, I don't have it anymore. Horsefeathers. Oh, well, at least the Doc seems to have regained his composure.

"Well, then, I suppose I should probably get back to the TARDIS. Oh, right!" he exclaimed, facehoofing, "I need a new sonic! Hm... You know, I rather liked the Sonic Cane, maybe I'll go with that. Oooh, yes. Yes, I think it'll do rather nicely. It was good seeing you again, Romana, I wish you the best of luck with Pinkie Pie's teeth. And, to a lesser extent, with rebuilding your destroyed dental practice. Also, tell Pinkie that I said hi. No, it's probably best that I do that personally. Knowing Pinkie, she might cry up another river if she found out that I was in town and didn't say hi. You know, I might be rambling, and I apologize for that. Intellectual build-up, you know? Tends to happen when I go too long without talking, dreadfully sorry," he said.

Wow. I had almost forgotten how rambly he could be. Then again, it's to be expected that he's gotten ramblier with age. Wait... rebuilding? Oh, right. My practice was destroyed. Hm, I wonder...

"Hey, Doc, this actually seems like a great opportunity for me to leave. I mean, my practice is destroyed, and I don't really want to work on teeth in one little (albeit incredibly significant during this time period) backwoods village, not when I know what it's like out there in the universe. In light of all that, I suggest faking my death," I told him. Please don't let him realize what I'm doing...

The Doctor looked me dead in the face, and I have never feared anyone's gaze more in all of my 504 years. Now I remembered why that look he gave the Zaarthanog had scared me: it was his "Oncoming Storm" glare. The rage and disapproval in those ancient eyes of his could make Discord trap himself in stone. By the time he opened his mouth, I was ready to apologize for absolutely everything that had ever happened or ever would happen.

"Romana, we are not going to fake your death. Not only would that shake Ponyville to its very core, but I can tell that you're mostly just saying that to get out of Pinkie Pie's dental appointment. No, we'll say that you've decided to move. I'll be back in three days for the going-away party, ta!"

With that, he ran off. After he rounded the corner of Berry Punch's house, I heard a noise which I knew all too well.

So he still leaves the brakes on, then? It's good to see that some things in the universe never change.

The next few days were horrible. I'm sure that my friends noticed that I had been acting kinda differently, but they probably just chalked it up to stress, since none of them mentioned it. Daisy gave me some free tulips, though. She said it was a "consolation snack," or some such nonsense.

When the party finally was thrown, I didn't enjoy it too much. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it more than most of the parties I'd been to, but for a Pinkie Pie "Goodbye-Colgate-Enjoy-Trottingham-Keep-In-Touch-and-Oh-Yeah-Good-Luck-With-The-New-Deantal-Practice-Thingy Party," it was a bit of a drag. I was just too anxious to go, you know? When I saw the Doc, my hearts each skipped a beat. I quite literally couldn't drag him out of there fast enough. No, seriously. Pinkie wouldn't let me leave until the Doctor gave her a firm talking-to. Even then, she started crying because she didn't include "bouncing around space and time in a blue police barn" in the party's theme. Luckily, when I told her that she could make up for it next time, Pinkie returned to her usual, happily-go-lucky self.

Needless to say, I don't plan on coming back to Ponyville for a long time.

**(In the TARDIS, after the party)**

"So, Doc, where to?"

"I hadn't really thought about it, Roma-"

Fortunately, a firm hoof to the face stopped him from saying the next word.

"Doc, I said to call me Cole, remember?"

"Oh, yes, quite right. My bad, Rom- I mean, Cole." the Doc corrected, rubbing his cheek.

"Anyway, what were you saying?"

"Right, I was saying that I hadn't really thought about where we'd go. Now, I think I'll just do some stuff, and we'll see where we end up, okay?"

"With you driving, that would've happened anyway," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Yeah, yeah. Ready to get going, Cole?" He asked, already pushing buttons, flipping switches, and puling levers like mad.

"Sure thing, Doc," I replied, taking a seat on the sofa he kept in his Console Room.

"Then we're off!" He shouted, flipping the big De-Mat switch.

VWORP

***

VWHRRR

I have to admit, I was a bit on edge. My first adventure in centuries, and I could hardly wait to open those wooden doors. Once I did, though, I was greeted by a most unusual sight. Well, for this life, anyway. After all, it's not every day that one finds an entire platoon of Lunar Guardsponies, weapons at the ready, crowded around oneself. I wasn't really upset by it, though. Only one thought could go through my mind right then: I've really missed this.

TO BE CONTIUNED

The Time Lord

View Online

"Is it bad that I've really missed this?"
- Amelia Jessica Pond

Raggedy Adventures

Chapter 3: The Time Lord

The Lunar Guards surrounding the TARDIS looked about as terrified as could be expected. Which is to say, not scared at all. As I'm well aware, the Lunar Guard prides itself on being prepared for anything and everything conceivable. Still, one could suppose that a TARDIS materializing in the middle of the Grand Hall wouldn't be covered in their training, and it didn't seem to be, given their reaction to the TARDIS.

"Why are you stopping, Old Bait?"

"Okay, Doctor, two things: one, I keep telling you to call me Colgate, and two, why don't you come out and see for yourself?"

The Doc sighed loudly at this. You know, I hadn't really noticed before, but he was a bit curmudgeonly this time around. Can't say he didn't make it work, though. Anyhoof, the old-fart-that-didn't-look-like-an-old-fart trotted out of the TARDIS and into the Grand Hall of Canterlot Castle, muttering something to himself about "foals these days". He didn't even seem to notice the Guards; he just stuck out his tongue and tasted the air.

"Okay, Canterlot Castle, Equestria, Equus, 11:34 AM on Tuesday the 23rd of Neighpril, about... 1432 CR. Okay."

The Guards seemed annoyed by this. You know, behind their military bearing.

"Right then," he said to the soldiers that were holding us at spearpoint, "Which one of you is in charge?"

"I'll ask the questions," the Guard directly in front of me said, stepping forward. "Now who are you?"

"So you're in charge, then?" the Doctor responded, turning his head to the Guard.

"Yes, I am. Who are you?"

"Look, I'm really not in the mood for this right now," The Doctor told him, "Can I just see the Princess?"

"Absolutely not. You pose a potential threat."

"An understandable assumption. Strange ponies in a strange blue barn that couldn't possibly hold the both of them materialize in the middle of the Grand Hall, so naturally the Guards, that's you gents, assume Defensive Containment Position Alpha Seven," the Doctor prattled, almost dumbfounding the Guard-in-Charge. Almost.

Still, for anypony other than the Doctor, that'd be fairly impressive. At least he wasn't upset. As I remember, that happens pretty often. Ponies tend to get mad when you trot all over their authority, you know.

"How do you know what it's called?" the Guard asked, his irritation almost evident in his voice.

"What what's called?" the Doctor replied, a bit to quickly for my liking.

"The maneuver. How did you know?"

"Are we really talking about that? Look, I don't feel like chatting with you children. I have some friends to visit."

"Children?!"

Oh, great. He managed to make the soldiers mad. Admittedly, it took him longer than I expected.

"Listen here, whoever-you-are, you had better st--"

"DOCTOR!"

The Guard was interrupted by a shout that could only be attributed to one mare in all the universe. Even after all these centuries, I still haven't encountered anything more memorable than little LuLu's Royal Canterlot Voice. The shout was followed by the sound of a galloping Princess, who was followed by her calmer, less-enthusiastic (but still pretty excited) sister. Of course, the Guards were rather taken aback by the sudden arrival, not to mention the foalish behavior, of the Harmonic Sisters.

"Princess, you should stand back. We haven't yet assessed the threat of these intruders," the Guard told Luna.

Needless to say, she was mildly upset by the obvious misunderstanding.

"CAPTAIN NIGHTFURY, RELEASE THE DOCTOR AND HIS COMPANION AT ONCE, BEFORE I HAVE YOU DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED, THROWN INTO THE DUNGEONS, AND REPEATEDLY SPANKED TO THE TUNE OF THE PONY POKEY!!"

See? She barely threatened him at all. Of course, I haven't seen her in about 843 years, so I might have some distorted memories. Oh, how I wish I could describe the look on his face when she said that. It was priceless. I mean, talk about your Kodiak Moments.

"Captain, I believe what my sister is trying to say is that these ponies are old friends of hours," Celestia interjected.

Of course, the Guards backed off. They probably would have already, but I think they were just too scared of the fabled Wrath of Luna. She can be pretty terrifying. Why, I remember this one time when she-- I'm getting off-subject, aren't I? Sorry.

"My apologies, Doctor and Colgate," Captain Nightfury said, his head lowering a little.

"Nothing to be ashamed of, Captain. You were simply doing your duty, even if you did it excessively," the Doctor said as he walked past the Guard, patting him lightly on the shoulder.

"Sorry, Captain Nightfury. He's just cranky because he's such a geezer," I said, trying to make up for the Doctor's rudeness.

"Hey!"

"Well, you are!"

"That's not the point, Romana!"

From there, it became a whole different argument. I won't bore you with the details, but, needless to say, that stupid top hat of his has quite a few dents now, and he will remember to call me Colgate. As he picked up his stupid hat (and his stupid self) from the floor, I noticed Luna and Celestia looking at me with, well, fairly stunned expressions. Of course, on seeing this, I stopped rolling around with laughter and got back up on my hooves.

"So, how have you ladies been recently?" I asked them -- Celestia and Luna, not my hooves --, regaining my composure.

"Romana? I didn't realize you were still, shall we say, ticking," Luna said, grinning a little at her wordplay.

"Neither did I, kid. I was living as a dentist back in Ponyville," I told her, "And these days, I go by Colgate."

"I will remember that, Colgate," Luna said as she resumed walking.

"So, Princesses, anything interesting going on tonight?" the Doctor asked, catching up with us.

"Well, Doctor, we were just about to have some old friends over for dinner," Celestia said.

"Really, now? Who might these 'friends' be?" the Doctor asked, sounding both curious and worried, as he often does.

"Doc, don't be so thick, she means us," I told him with a roll of my eyes.

"Hm? Oh, yes, right, us," he replied, smacking himself on the head ever so lightly. "That makes a good bit more sense than a changelings posing as Starswirl and Scorpan; so shall we head for the dining hall?"

Now, it's gonna seem like I'm skipping to halfway through the meal, but…

***

"Omnomnomnomnom…" said the Doctor, gobbling up apples as though he hadn't eaten in months. Seriously, he was eating them whole. WHOLE. Like, cores and all. And don't even get me started on the bananas; there might be an entire peel stuck between his teeth. He is clearly not the neatest eater this time around. I bet his teeth are just awful, too.

Ugh. The thought of what his eating habits are doing to his teeth sent a shiver through me. I may have to punch him after we finish eating.

"So, Celestia, how are things going nowadays?" I ask, trying to turn my attention to anything other than the Doctor's mouth. Oh, hello, shiver. I was just beginning to miss you.

"Well, actually, things are going fairly we-- Do you hear that?" she said, turning her head to the left.

Of course I heard it. It was an impossible sound, one that was brought either or fear to those who heard it anywhere in the universe. There was no way we could be hearing it, but there it was: the screeching of a TARIDS's materialization matrix clashing with its brakes. Only one Time Charger would be landing like that, and he was already here.

VWORP

And there it stood, about ten hooves' distance from Celestia's seat, a tall, thin, blue police… box?

"What?" we all said, incredulously.

Then the door opened, and two ponies stepped out. First out was a grey Pegasus mare, her golden mane and googly eyes catching my eye. She was followed by a brown Earth Pony stallion with a very… pointy brown mane and a Cutie Mark that I didn't even need to look at to know who he had to be.

"What?!" we repeated, more incredulously.

"So where are we now, Doctor?" the mare asked, clearly not having seen us yet.

"Well, I don't know, Derpy," the, Not-Doctor replied, "I'm still new to your universe, so I haven't quite gotten a hold on the different worlds and times yet."

"WOT?!" we repeated yet again, still with more incredulity.

Real Doctor stood up, cleaned out his teeth, and turned to face the stallion.

"Excuse me, Doctor, but who are you?" he asked Not-Doctor.

"Oh, sorry, didn't see you there," Not-Doctor said to Real Doctor, "Well, it's nice to meet you, sir. As you said, I am the Doctor, and this is my assistant, Derpy Hooves."

"My name's Ditzy Doo, actually," Derpy said.

"Well, I like calling her Derpy Hooves. Sounds much better, don't you agree, mister, uh… I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name," Not-Doctor said to Real Doctor.

"I am the Doctor," Real Doctor replied, straightening his stupid hat, "And I have never been you. Then again, as impostors go, you are fairly impressive. I mean, you have a companion, a TARDIS, even got the Identification Symbol correct. One major flaw, though: Police Box? Really?"

"What's wrong with a Police Box?!" Not-Doctor replied, clearly kinda riled, "What does yours look like, a Police Ball?"

"What? Of course not. My TARDIS is disguised as a Police Barn, thank you very much," Real Doctor replied, haughtily.

Can't resist feeling superior… same old Doctor.

"Police… Barn?" Not Doctor asked, blinking once in confusion, "Police… Barn. Police Barn."

"Yes, you tieless impostor, a Police Barn!" Real Doctor shouted at Not-Doctor.

For some reason, this made the faker burst out in laughter. I'm talking a full-on fit of uproarious giggling and guffawing. No joke. I think this might have offended Real Doctor, but that's just a guess based on the face he made.

"Sorry for interrupting, Doctor, but I guess I was bound to run into you eventually," Not-Doctor said, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Oh?" Real Doctor asked, raising an eyebrow, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I crashed into your universe from mine a few weeks back. Well, relatively speaking," Not-Doctor said, rubbing the back of his head with a forehoof.

"Sounds unlikely, but I'll play along. Do go on, Doctor," Real Doctor said, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, as I told Miss Hooves here, I was going past the Medusa Cascade when I… well, I may have gotten bored and decided to screw around with the controls," Not-Doctor said, clearly a bit embarrassed at telling this to another Time Charger, "Which resulted in me crashing in Ponyville, around… uh, Derpy, what year are you from, again?" he asked his wall-eyed companion.

"I'm from 1002, Doctor," Derpy said, chuckling a little at her pseudo-Doctor's question.

"Right, that," Not-Doctor said, "Sorry, I haven't really had a chance to get a firm grasp on your calendar system just yet."

"Really" Real Doctor asked, softening his glare only a little bit, "Then what's my name?"

The question brought a gasp from everypony. Well, everypony except Real Doctor and Derpy. Real Doctor because he was the one who asked it, and Derpy just looked confused. But then, that might have just been her eyes.

"Doctor, what does he mean?" she asked Not-Doctor, "You told me your name was 'The Doctor', why would he ask what your name was?"

Of course, that was just strange. There's not a pony who meets the Doctor and doesn't what his name is. The thought that she simply believed his name was The Doctor was amazing. It seems she lived up to her name.

"Well, Derpy, that's kind of a long story, so I'd rather not explain," Not-Doctor said, looking both exasperated and amused at his assistant's question, "Doctor, you know as well as I that I can't go around telling people my name, so unless we're getting married..."

"Well, you're almost certainly a Time Charger, I'll give you that," Real Doctor said, looking contemplative.

"Wait, wait, Time Charger?" Not-Doctor interrupted, "That's what we're called here? Time Chargers?! Makes us sound like something that slowly powers up telephones. You guys definitely got the raw end of that deal."

"Oh? And what are you, then, Doctor?" Real Doctor asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I, Doctor, am a Time Lord. Bit of a pretentious name, I know, but it fits," Not-Doctor replied.

"Doesn't sound like it did much for your egos," Real Doctor said with a grin.

"Well, Doctors, this is all very interesting," Celestia said, causing the intruding time-travelers to take note of her for the first time, "But now that we're all clear on who is what, could we get back to dinner? I'm sure our new guests are simply famished."

"Why, thank you, Miss Tall Pony," Not-Doctor said with a goofy grin, "I'm glad to see that somebody around here has some manners."

Clearly, this was his first time meeting Celestia. His so-called "assistant" seemed to be having trouble picking her jaw back up. I guess these guys were for real, after all. That kinda sucked, since now I'd have to come up with a new name for him. Maybe "The Brown One"? Nah. "Hourglass Butt"? Nope. Buck it, I'll just stick to "Not-Doctor".

"Wait," Real Doctor said, looking around the room, "Where's Luna?"