Rap Settlement

by zel

First published

Pony representatives get down with the shit.

There is no better way to resolve conflicts than good rap battle.
And some rape.

Thank TeXXy.

The Chapter In Which Everypony Dies

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“All I want to know, is why the Earth Ponies are hogging all of the food!” shouted Commander Hurricane, stomping a bitter hoof down on the table before her.

Chancellor Puddinghead retorted angrily, “US? We’re not hogging all of the food, you are!” She paused. “Oh wait, you’re right! It is us! Well... It’s only because you mean ol’ pegasus-usususes are making it SNOW LIKE CRAZY!”

“For the HUNDREDTH TIME! It’s not us! We’re not making it snow, It MUST be the unicorns. They’re doing it with their... uh... freaky magic!”

Princess Platinum replied with a highly audible gasp. She was clearly offended.

“How dare you? Unlike you pegasi ruffians, we unicorns would never stoop to such a thing. Hummaphuh!”

The crowd replied with a loud “Hummaphuh!” noise, mimicking their ever-so-graceful representative. As the ponies in the stands settled, somepony spoke up, breaking everypony else’s concentration.


The three racial representatives arose with a gasp.

“Show yourself!”, They shouted in unison.

A dark maned alicorn arose from the gather of ponies. Releasing another gulp of air, almost choking this time, the three representatives gleamed forth at the pony floating above. To their dismay, they witnessed a tall, red alicorn with the cutie mark of a 50-caliber round.

“I, Dark Haunter, the most powerful and awesome pony in the universe will judge your battle, and from that, we will settle who takes control. If anypony retorts, I will be forced to induce a sexual act upon said pony.” He smirked. “Mind you, if you don’t act now, the crazy transparent horses from the clouds will come and force cold air upon you all... FOREVER!”

Commander Hurricane thought for a moment.

“Alright, fine. I’ll do your stupid rap...thing.” She lowered her head. “...dick...”

Dark Haunter glared to the other delegates, both nodding in agreement to Commander Hurricane’s decision.

“So, it is settled. You three will begin your gangsta raps in no more than fifteen minutes, Starting with Commander Hurricane, then to Chancellor Puddinghead, and lastly, Princess Platinum.”

Minutes passed, each pony concealing their brutal rhyme ideas for fear of the other race hogging ideas as they did food. Commander Hurricane stood up, fixing her uniform as she walked nonchalantly to the room center, where a table was set to be used as a stage. She cleared her throat, her heart racing. She fought to keep her mom’s spaghetti down, but her hooves were sweaty, knees weak, legs heavy. She trembled. She was nervous, but on the surface she looked calm and ready to drop F-bombs.

She began.

“Look at you, earth and uni, from up in the clouds you both look puny! I always win, chillin’ on top, looking down and thinking ‘pop pop pop, watchin’ buckin’ ponies drop!’. You all look so stupid walkin’ on the ground, your ugliness is truly profound. I got style, swag, looks, All of the above. Hell, of course I do, you’re the ugliest ponies I can think of! You know what, screw this shit. My rhymes are so powerful, you take em’ hard like you take a hit. Honestly, I’d finish this verse, but I seriously don’t feel like calling in a nurse.”

Commander Hurricane backed off the stage, looking her proudest as she’d done her best in the hardest of all battles. She seats herself, boastful smile and all, with a devilish grin toward her competitors, giggling at their nervousness. Meanwhile, Chancellor Puddinghead stood up with a gleam in her eye, but feeling the urge to back off from the biggest challenge in the history of pony challenges, but realizing if she didn’t compete, she’d win nothing more than hate from everypony else along with brutal flankplay from Dark Haunter. The pink talking horse steps up on the creaky table-stage, cracks her neck, and proceeds to drop the sweet, sweet rhymes.

“Yo, It’s me, Big Chancey P. I’m comin’ in like 1-2-3, you can’t top this G. What are you talking about, ugliest pony? To me, you just look like one big phony. Honestly, What is this? A little filly’s classroom? Talk shit to me, and you will feel my buckin’ doom. Oh, and you, Princess P. You act like you’re so hard, except you’ll never be like me. I’m the toughest of them all, hell, my rhymes will make you crawl. Hate me more, buckin’ unicorns, I’ll beat your flank with just my damned flugelhorns. Oh, you’re nervous? I wonder why that would be. Come on, filly, you know you wanna come at me.”

Chancellor Puddinghead bounced herself off of the table. She grinned at the other two contestants, who stood with their jaws dropped to the floor. Princess Platinum, at the most nervous moment of her life, tensed her muscles and continued forth.

“Mr. Haunter, Sir, I don’t think I can do this. Can I please be excused?”

P. P. batted her eyes wildly at the alicorn, who looked at her and laughed.

“Nope. Sex. Come with me.” The alicorn’s horn emitted a red, sparkling glow that lifted Princess Platinum off of the ground, carrying her into another room. The door was shut. At that instant, everypony within the establishment stayed quiet to listen.

The only thing heard was the voices of the two ponies, beginning with Dark Haunter.

“Heh heh heh. Let’s get this goi- Wait a second, you have a penis?”

“Tummy Sticks, motherfucker!”

The crowd gasped as they heard what sounded like Dark Haunter having batteries shoved into his urethral passages. Wait...

Minutes later, after the gasping and painful groaning had stopped, both P. P. and Mr. Haunter walked out, one smiling and the other crying.

Dark Haunter collapsed onto the floor, watching as Princess Platinum made her way to the stage-table. She stepped up, tensed her muscles once more, and began.

“What were you saying, Chancellor Puddinghead? Talk shit about me again, and you’ll be buckin’ dead. My genitals alone are more powerful than you completely, they’ll fuck anypony indiscreetly. Just ask that guy back there, I beat his ass like a drummer beats a snare. You’re next if you keep this bullshit up, You’ll be covered in enough cum to fill a glass cup. Best part is, I am not even trying! You have magic, and you have flying. I have style, which leaves you crying. I’m sexy from hoof to mane, but the heat of my rap is enough to scorch your brain. I’m done.”

Everypony died.