Vaginas Are Serious Business
Dedicated to Carpet “Mr. Rat” Burn
Spike was doing normal Spike things when he had an epiphany. This epiphany came about in the form a certain very sexy rainbow maned pegasus, who was stopping by Twilight’s library to pick up the latest instalment of the Daring Do saga.
“Twilight!” Rainbow Dash sped past Spike, knocking him into a stack of books. “Twilight! Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!”
“Rainbow! Calm down! What is it?” Twilight asked to the excited Pegasus. “Use your words Rainbow!”
Rainbow Dash lay on the floor, he chest heaving up and down, her face and lower regions plastered with an expression and certain liquids that conveyed something of megatonic awesome-sauceness was going down. She struggled to catch her breath and calm down her nerves, as her body shivered from the pure excitement.
“You will NEVER guess what happened to me last night!”
“Did you get laid?”
Rainbow Dash’s air deflated a bit, her monumental arrogance diminished at the fact that Twilight guessed her secret so quickly and effortlessly. “Well, um.. lucky guess! But you still don’t know who with!”
“Please Rainbow. Was it Derpy?” Twilight teased her friend.
Rainbow Dash became somber. “Twilight, it’s not funny to even joke about taking advantage of the mentally handicapped.”
“Derpy’s not mentally handicapped, she’s just got a lazy eye!”
“That sounds pretty handicapped to me!”
“Gosh Rainbow, do you have to be so fucking insensitive? The girl’s saved countless star systems from the Galactic Empire, and you called her lazy eye ‘handicapped?’ So rude!”
“Jeez, I was justing kidding! You don’t have to be such a retarded cunt!”
“I thought it wasn’t funny to make fun of the mentally handicapped,” Twilight said with a smug grin.
“Well, you’re not mentally handicapped, so I win,” Dashie said, with a grin that rivaled Twilight’s in terms of self-assured assholeishness.
“On second thought,” she said, grinning even more and causing a nearby squirrel to be slightly aroused with her pearly whites, “You might actually be mentally handicapped.”
Twilight merely rolled her eyes at Rainbow Dash, “So what were you going to say before? I would have thought that what you were about to tell me was pretty important...”
“Oh yeah, that’s right!” Rainbow shouted, suddenly becoming very excited again.
“So... Who was it with Rainbow? What happened? How did it happen? Tell me!” Twilight shouted like an excited school-filly with a crush.
“Well, I was walking down the street, and all of a sudden I ran into Scootaloo...” Rainbow began, before Twilight let out a scream of absolute horror.
“Rainbow, you’re a... OH DEAR CELESTIA! OH MY GOODNESS!” Twilight hyperventilated as she looked on in horror.
“Twilight... I didn’t.. I was going to say that I ran into her and then we talked for a bit! You should let me finish before you go assuming things! Oh goddess...” Rainbow said, picturing what Twilight had mentioned in her mind. “How could you think that I would do that? With a filly? Gosh Twilight, do you think I’m THAT much of a slut?”
“Actually, I was going on the moral repercussions of that—”
“What’s a ‘moral reprewashoosit’?”
“—But yeah...” Twilight grinned sheepishly. “Anyway, go on...”
“So, after I ran into Scootaloo and molested her for a bit—”
“Wait, I thought you said you didn't do that kind of thing!”
“Well, sometimes I lie. I’m the element of loyalty, not honesty, you crusty turtle vagina. I was heading to Pinkie’s Party as I had been planning on doing anyway. After I got there, Pinkie opened some of Applejack’s specially aged cider, and did we EVER get smashed!” Rainbow Dash giggled. “It was so awesome!”
“What happened next? Go on, tell me everything!” Twilight giggled while totally not invading Rainbow’s privacy in any way for the sake of gossip. That would only be appropriate for Rarity to do! No, this privacy invasion was in the name of science!
“Well, I was totally shit-faced, so I stumbled around the party a bit. Then...” Rainbow Dash frowned. “I actually don’t remember the rest of it. But, I woke up this morning super hungover and with the taste of roses in my mouth.”
Twilight gasped. “Rainbow Dash, you didn’t—”
Rainbow Dash nodded, and Twilight Sparkle began to laugh like a madmare. “Jeez, Rainbow, I didn’t think you would go after Roseluck!”
Rainbow Dash scowled. “Hey, I was drunk! Anyway, she wasn’t that bad. Best carpet I ever ate!”
Spike had since recovered and had been absently listening to the conversation while he dusted off some of the books on the lower shelves, relocating a small family of scorpions who had set up a nest in a hardcover copy of “Multiple Magical Mysteries.” Neither of the mares were paying much mind to him, but when he heard the last sentence Rainbow Dash had spoken, he was tempted to change that by asking one of them about it. Our story would have gone very differently if he had chosen to do so, but instead he decided to keep quiet and hope some context would be provided.
Why would Rainbow Dash want to eat carpet? It just didn’t seem to make sense to him, carpets didn’t look too tasty. All they did was sit on the floor and gather dust and mud from pony hooves. He resolved to see what was so great about carpet eating by asking Twilight if he could eat some of her rug once she finished speaking to Rainbow Dash.
“How do you know that if you can’t remember anything?” Twilight deadpanned.
Rainbow Dash patted the top of Twilight’s head condescendingly. “Oh Twilight. One of these days you’ll learn.” The pegasus sighed, reminiscing on all the other carpets she had consumed. “Anyway, you got the new Daring Do book? I heard it’s supposed to be really good! Especially because it’s been forever since the last one was written!”
Twilight smiled, and levitated a book from her bed. “I still haven’t gotten around to reading it. Tell me if Daring Do and The Kingdom of the Crystal Ponies is any good! No spoilers, though,” Twilight said with a wink.
Rainbow Dash felt her face blush a little before she turned to leave. “Heh, thanks Twi. It was fun talking to ya,” she smirked, pushing her way out the door.
Good, she’s gone, Spike thought to himself. Now I can ask Twilight if I can eat some carpet!
The little dragon scampered over to Twilight, who smiled as her assistant approached. “Hey, Spike! Didn’t see you there, did you get the scorpions out of the bottom shelves?”
“Eh... Yeah, Twilight! I got stung once or twice, but they were big scorpions, so I should be fine. By the way, I was wondering if I could ask you something, Twilight.”
“What is it, Spike?”
“Can I eat your carpet?” The dragon asked innocently. “I thought I should ask first since—” A purple hoof shot out, and bitch slapped him in the side of the face.
“Ow, Twilight!” Spike rubbed his face tenderly. “What the heck, Twilight? What was that for? I just wanted a taste! Rainbow Dash said it was delicious!” More smacking followed.
“Spike, that is highly inappropriate!” Another smack was thus delivered to Spike’s succulent baby face. “It’s bad enough that you would even suggest that normally, but it’s highly unprofessional for a sister-brother relationship we kinda sorta have.”
“But what’s so inappropriate about it? I mean, who would wanna eat yours anyway? It’s all dirty and sweaty, and just plain gross! Jeez, Twilight!”
Twilight’s expert hoof delivered another professional back-hoof onto Spike’s innocent face. “That’s it, Spike, get out of this library right now! Get out and don’t come back until you’ve learned some respect!”
“But Twilight—” Twilight shoved her hoof into his mouth, interrupting his speech.
“No buts! Out. Now!” Twilight yelled at the disheartened youngster. “Gross? I’m not gross... I’m totally hot. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be with this?” she grumbled under her breath.
Spike felt rejected. Which was totally appropriate for this scenario, because his lifelong friend and sister figure had just beat his face and kicked him out. “I mean, jeez! It was only over a carpet. I don’t know why she got so mad...” He grumbled as he walked out the door and into town, dragging his feet all the way.
Spike was still in the dark about what he had done wrong. However, in lieu of his beaten face, he decided to treat himself to a sapphire cupcake down at Sugarcube Corner.Those delicious confectionary treats had always been able to cheer him up when he was down. Come to think of it, the carpet at Sugar Cube Corner was probably pretty sweet after all of the sugar and baking ingredients that had been spilled on it. Pinkie was a friend, maybe he’d ask her if he could get a taste of her sweet carpet after he bought some cupcakes?
Maybe Twilight had just over reacted, or maybe it was impolite to lick one’s own carpet? Spike resolved to ask Pinkie after he’d purchased his goods from the store. After about twenty minutes of waiting in line, Spike finally reached the front counter where Pinkie Pie was working.
“Hey, Spike! I’m so super-duper excited that you showed up today!” Pinkie popped under the counter, and popped up with with a cupcake covered in crushed red gems. “Rarity had some rubies left over, so I thought I’d crush them and save them for you on a cupcake!”
Spike smiled up at the hyper pony. “Oh gee, thanks! Hey, Pinkie Pie, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure!”
Spike took the cupcakes from Pinkie’s hooves, and asked the question that had been harboring itself in his mind for so long. “Hey Pinkie,” he leaned in closer. “Do you think I could get a taste of your carpet? I bet it would taste really sweet with the way you live.”
Everypony fell dead silent, staring at Spike with mixed looks of shock, horror, and amusement. Pinkie Pie giggled nervously at the dragon. “Not right now little Spikey, I’m working silly! It does taste pretty sweet though, I like to lick it sometimes when noponies looking, but don’t tell anypony...”
At this point, an older mare came and whacked Spike in the head unmercifully with her purse. “Shame on you, you unscrupulous ruffian! Why, back in my day, you could buy a penny for a nickel!”
Spike had no idea what these “pennies” or “nickels” were, all he knew was the throbbing pain in his head. “Ow! What, do you keep bricks in that thing?”
The old mare smiled. “Yes, actually! You may want to go to the hospital.”
Spike swayed dizzily, stumbling around a bit. “I think that you may be right... I’ll have a chocolate covered banana please...” Spike fell face first onto the floor, unconscious.
The lights blinded Spike as he slowly opened his eyes. He was laying on his back in a rather large bed, staring at a white ceiling. “Huh? W-where am I? What’s go-”
“CLEAR!” Nurse Redheart screamed, and slammed the chest paddles into Spike’s body. Many volts, too many to count, although it was at least seven, were sent coursing through him. Spike conglobbled and bobulated everywhere, twitching and squirming as these newly invented words would imply.
Spike stared lazily at the ceiling through half-faded eyes; it felt as if he had been slapped by an angry sturgeon.
“Oh, good! You’re awake. We were afraid we’d have to turn you over to Doctor Nickolt...”
“What’s wrong with Doctor Nickolt?”
“Nothing, really,” Nurse Redheart giggled nervously. “Well, sometimes he gets rather over zealous with the bonesaw...” Spike gulped nervously.
Spike rubbed his head, blinking to try and shake the buzzing sensation. “Wha- What happened?”
“Well… You kinda got your ass beat by an old lady. We’re still not sure whether you passed out from embarrassment or if it was from the ton of bricks that she had in her purse. I mean, seriously. I feel sorry for anypony who tries to rob that mare. They’re gonna be having brain stew for lunch.”
Spike began to salivate as he imagined the delicious prospect of brain stew. As an aspiring cook, he couldn’t hope to to imagine the spices and complimentary secondary ingredients he could use in such a brain stew. Spike shook his head and look at Nurse Redheart. “Wait. So… Do I need to stay here still? I don’t have a concussion or anything, do I? That’d suck…”
“Well, that depends,” Nurse Redheart said. “Do you have insurance?”
“What’s insurance?” Spike asked. Faster than seemed physically possible, Spike was laying on his face outside of the Hospital. Collecting himself, he walked in weird little loops back towards town, the world spinning all around him.
As he dizzily wandered through ponyville, he accidentally collided with a yellow pegasus who was doing her best to creep through the town unnoticed. Looking up from the ground, he saw that it was none other than Fluttershy, the only yellow pegasus in town.
“Oh! I’m sorry Spike,” Fluttershy said in a small voice. “I didn’t see you there.”
“It was my fault, I’m a bit dizzy,” Spike told the pegasus, who smiled at these words. Giving Fluttershy a scrying look, he raised an eyebrow. “Say, do you think that you could help me out?”
“Oh, of course,” Fluttershy said happily. “Anything for a friend!”
“Do you think we could head back to your place so I could munch on your carpet for a bit?” Spike asked. Fluttershy made a small gasping noise, and blushed bright red.
“All the other girls I’ve talked to are being really weird about it,” Spike continued. Fluttershy cringed, and her back legs squeezed together. “Yeah, kinda like that!”
“I’m not even sure that they understand what I’m asking them!” Spike finished, looking up at Fluttershy with a somewhat annoyed expression.
Fluttershy stared down at Spike, her eyes large and unmoving. Spike looked up at the mare, frozen in place, and waved a claw before her. When Fluttershy still didn’t respond, Spike took the only logical course of action, and began to back away very slowly.
Spike continued to back up very slowly for about a half hour or so, before realizing that he had backed up slowly into the Carousel Boutique. Looking around at the shop, he spied Rarity buried under a mound of clothing, and smiled to himself; if anypony was to be nice and courteous, it would be Rarity.
Spike cleared his throat, which prompted the white mare to emerge from the mound of clothes. “Rarity?” he called out, and Rarity turned to face the baby dragon.
“Spike!” Rarity called out. “How are you? How’s Twilight? Tell her that I’ve nearly finished those book covers that she requested. They were a bit of an odd order, but I was happy to do them all the same. The challenge did add a bit of variety, after all.”
“Well, actually,” Spike said, scratched the back of his head with a claw. “Twilight kicked me out for the day.”
Rarity gave Spike a look of confusion. “Whatever for?”
“Well, that brings me to a question I wanted to ask you, actually,” Spike said. “Can I eat your carpet? After Rainbow Dash talked about it, I’ve just been obsessing over how it tastes!”
Rarity looked down at Spike in horror, blushing furiously. “Rainbow Dash told you about... the night we...”
Spike cocked an eyebrow. “What?”
Rarity blushed ever harder, almost enough so that Spike could feel the heat from her cheeks radiating off of her. “Well, nevermind, that’s not important. All that matters is...” Rarity shifted her glance to the side, muttering something unintelligible. Composing herself again, she gave Spike a stern look. “The heart of the matter is, it’s very uncouth to just demand that you perform such an act without at least a bit of foreplay... and besides, Spike, you’re far too young for that sort of thing!”
“Why would I be too young for it?” Spike asked indignantly. “Also, what’s foreplay?”
“I think you just answered your own question,” Rarity told Spike, still blushing furiously. “I also think you’d best be on your way, Spike.”
“B-but, Rarity!” Spike whined as she ushered him out the door. With every step she took, her blush grew even deeper. “I wanna know what the big deal is! Tell me!”
“I-I’m sorry, Spike, but you’ll just have to ask somepony else.” With a final push, she closed the door on Spike and he was left standing in the middle of Ponyville.
“Now how am I going to find out? I could always ask AJ, but… She’s always white knighting all over the place. Even though she can’t tell a lie for crap, she’ll probably just keep denying it.” Spike snickered to himself. “She probably doesn’t even know what it means anyway. So, the only person left to ask is…” A Rainbow blur flew overhead as Spike sat still, holding on to a faint glimmer of hope.
“RAINBOW! Get your flank down here! I need to ask you a question! This whole thing is all your fault, so you’d better get your butt down here right now!”
Rainbow landed in front of Spike, poofing up a cloud of dust as she smiled. “Hey, Spike! How’s it going?” Rainbow tilted her head in confusion as she watched Spike’s irritated expression. “Uh… Why do you look so pissed off?”
“Because, I’ve been walking around all day trying to get answers, and you’re going to give ‘em to me!” Spike stomped his foot on the ground and pointed an accusatory claw at Rainbow.
“Uh… Sure, what is it?”
“Well, I sorta… overheard you talking with Twilight earlier, and I heard you talking about eating carpets, and I got sorta curious… I just wanted to know what the big deal was! Why would anypony want to eat a carpet? But anytime I asked anypony, they started acting all freaky and weird. Even Rarity pushed me out of the boutique!” Spike fell to both of his knees. “I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON!”
“Spike…” Rainbow blinked a few times. “What did me and Twilight tell you about eavesdropping?”
“I’m sorry, Rainbow, I just couldn’t help myself! I mean, why would anypony want to eat a carpet? They’re icky, and dirty, and ponies walk all over them all day.” Spike looked to the ground, bowing his head in shame.
“Spike… Did you ask Fluttershy?”
“Uh, yeah, why?” Spike leaned over Rainbow’s shoulder, only to see Fluttershy standing in the same place. Her eyes were open and unblinking, her face glowing a deep scarlet color. Her hindlegs were clamped tighter than a vicegrip. “No way… She’s still standing there?” Spike shook his head in horror and looked Rainbow dead in the eyes. “R-Rainbow. What does ‘eating a carpet’ mean?”
“Well, uh… You see, Spike… When two ponies love each other very much, and one’s a girl….”
“No! I don’t want any of those kid explanations! I’m an adult dragon! Give me the adult explanation!” Spike crossed his arms and looked at Rainbow, who then gulped.
“Well, I guess you’re old enough, so…” Rainbow reared back and flopped over onto her back.
Spike screamed in horror was his eyes fell upon the space between Dashie’s legs. His mind shattered and warped as the visuals of things best not seen by anything wishing to keep its sanity flashed into his view. Spike gazed into the abyss, and indeed, the abyss gazed back into him.
“So yeah, I haven’t washed it in a bit,” Rainbow Dash said with a roll of her eyes. “You don’t need to be so critical.”
“Is that a tentacle coming out of it?” Spike screeched, shuddering in pure, unadulterated terror.
“That’s probably just Oswald, my Vag-Squid,” Rainbow Dash told him. “Woke up a few months ago with him in there. Was only a little tiny guy back then. Fluttershy assured me they weren’t poisonous, so I kept him. He keeps the place from getting too dirty.”
Spike vomited all over himself.
“Wow, rude,” Rainbow Dash said, giving Spike an annoyed look. Spike looked up and Rainbow Dash, eyes unfocused and throat burning. As he watched Oswald eat some small grubs, he felt as though his lunch was about to come up for a second time.
“Anyway, are you gonna eat the carpet or not?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Just go around Oswald, I hear he tickles a bit when he gets into your mouth.”
“That’s what eating carpet is? Sticking your mouth in... that?”
“What’d you think it was?”
Spike thought back to all the mares he had talked to, then blanched as he realized what he had been asking them this entire time. “OH DEAR SWEET CELESTIA, WHAT HAVE I DONE?”
“I’ll tell you what you haven’t done,” Rainbow Dash said, visibly irritated. “You haven’t gone to town on me! I hope you’re better than Roseluck, she was pretty bad. Kept throwing up. Probably had too much cider.”
“Yeah, that’s probably why,” Spike muttered, taking another terrified look at the horror-hole.
“So, you gonna do it?” Rainbow Dash asked, grinning devilishly. “Or are you too scared?”
“I’m absolutely horrified,” Spike admitted. Never the less, he leaned down towards the “carpet”, the smell of an entire fish market that had been shat upon a thousand times in the hot sun barraging his nostrils.
He puckered his lips, closing his eyes as he approached the terrifying prospect. However, before he could reach any flesh, he felt ten cold, slimy tentacles wrap around his head and drag him into a full collision with the danger zone.
Rainbow Dash smiled, and let her eyes roll up in her head as waves and waves of pleasure cascaded over her. Spike screamed and screamed, but it was no use; in the depths of vag, no one can hear you scream.