PonyEarth universe. A brony wakes as Princess Cadance.
Set in the PonyEarth universe. Eljay wakes one morning to find himself in the form of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. Now a pretty pretty pony princess, she begins her trek to New York to help fend off Discord's plan. Can she overcome the obstacles in her way?
I drew closer to being awake, as Winamp grabbed the “This Day Aria” from my pool of seven thousand tracks on my computer. I occasionally put the media player up and turn off the monitor if I have trouble sleeping.
The kind of day of which I've dreamed since I was small . . .
My barely awake mind picked up on it and I sort of dreamed the whole musical number in surprising detail. I shivered slightly and shifted my body a bit under the blankets. Something left me uncomfortable, so I rolled over onto my back to get up . . .
. . . and winced as I caught something underneath me. I bolted upright, trying to free the trapped limb.
Everyone will gather round, say I look lovely in my gown . . .
I flinched at the purple to pink gradient feathers in my peripheral vision, attached to limbs I'd never had before.
“So,” I said, testing my voice and finding a pleasant and teasingly familiar mezzosoprano. “It happened to me as well, huh?”
I did a quick inventory. My arms ended in hooves: Check. Pink coat: Check. The golden shoes kind of gave me an idea of which pony I'd become. “Lucky me, I'm royalty.”
But they don't know that I have fooled them all!
I knew about all the people waking up as ponies, of course. Heck, I'd used my dad's Facebook account to look at the walls for the souls who became Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie, and Equestria Daily was covering the more visible occurrences. Like Lauren Faust and Tara Strong as the diarchs asking the Elements of Harmony to come to New York.
“Well, I doubt they'd turn away another Princess, and Fluttershy has Shining Armor with her,” I said and felt a gnawing surge of jealousy. “Whoa.” I blinked at the force of the surge.
I shook my head, feeling the slightly odd balance. 'Right,' I thought. 'Horn and long mane.' I dropped to the floor, landing steadily on my hooves. My left wing brushed a stack of CD cases and sent them clattering to the floor. In response, I folded my wings. The clutter of my room, while navigable as a human, was only marginally so as a pretty, pretty pony princess.
“Ow, my masculine pride. Or what there was of it.” Before I left my room, I tapped the power button on the computer monitor with my horn, bringing up the screen so I could see to shut it off. From how uncomfortable I was trying to do that, I picked up a pen in my mouth and used the keyboard shortcuts.
That finished, I picked my way past overflowing book cases and through my open door into the hall of the apartment I shared with my elderly parents. I stepped into the bathroom, thankful for the knobs and levers designed with heavily-arthritic seniors in mind. I had to rear up and put my fore hooves on either side of the sink to look in the mirror.
'Yup,' I thought. 'I'm Cadance, all right. Lovely eyes that could swallow your soul, tricolor mane, with nary a hair out of place, oddly enough.' I felt a bit of a surge of pride. “Well, if I have to be a pony princess, at least I'm pretty.”
I then went to check on my parent's bedroom, to see if they were up already, or if I needed to wait in the living room so as not to startle them too badly. I entered the room and the scent of vanilla and spices filled my nostrils. I did see two sleeping forms in their bed, but the equine shapes in blue and yellow told a different tale. I crept as quietly as gold shoes on linoleum would let me.
My parents had been turned into the Cakes. And yet, the peaceful smiles and the way they were cuddled into each other was simply adorable and heartwarming. A deep sense of satisfaction filled me.
'So that's what Cadance's special talent feels like when it's fulfilled, hm?' Smiling, I crept to the living room and plopped down on the seldom-used couch. Normally I would have gotten breakfast before trying to see what was on TV, but apparently Cadance had had a big dinner the night before. I just wasn't hungry.
I imagined the remotes floating over to me, and was pleased when they did. I marveled at adapting so easily to a new form, and a new form of manipulation. I turned on the TV, and then the cable box and began channel surfing.
And promptly stopped. I'd forgotten what a wasteland daytime television was, and I really didn't feel like seeing the election shouting matches.
“ . . . President Obama, it's his fault we have ponies. This ad paid for by PAPA.”
“Really? Existential crisis on our hooves and some skinhead yahoos are electioneering?” A bit of bile seemed to come up in my throat as I accidentally released a Houyhnhnm-worthy epithet.
“Who-who's there?” I heard Mrs. Cake's voice call querulously from my parents' bedroom.
I got up and made my way down the hall. “Mom, Dad, it's me, Eljay.”
I stepped into their room and the two earth ponies in the bed were as far from each other as they could be and still be on the bed. I very slowly walked towards them.
“Mrs. Cake” gasped. “So lovely.” Right then, I knew that my mother was behind the blue mare's eyes.
I smiled and what I intended as a chuckle came out a giggle. “Thanks, Mom.” I turned to address the yellow-orange stallion. “Dad? I told you guys about this the day before yesterday. I . . . just didn't expect for all three of us to get hit at once, if at all.”
“I can hear.” Dad said in numb shock. “My back doesn't hurt.”
“And you're missing your fingers.” I teased gently. “Here, let me help you two out of bed.”
“When I get you two down, stay on all fours and imagine you're walking on tiptoes and your middle fingers.” I advised as I began helping Mom down first. “Walking follows the same limb order as crawling.”
After both of my parents were standing wobbly on their hooves, and staggering slightly around the room. I broach an uncomfortable subject. “I need to get to New York.”
My father frowned, putting a far more serious look on Mister Cake's face than I ever saw in the show. “Why?”
I paused for a moment, collecting my thoughts. “Last week, when this whole thing started with people turning into ponies, the creator of the show and the actress who plays the main character got turned into the two most powerful ponies in the setting, and asked for the people who got turned into the six main characters to come to New York to try to help set things right.”
I bit my lip. “I'm potentially the third most powerful pony. I kind of think they might want me on hoof.” I lit my horn and grabbed the cell phone from my mother's night stand.
“But how are you going to afford it, dear?” Mom asked, and the scent of vanilla and cardamom grew stronger.
“I'm just not going to make my car payment. I've just practically lost my job, anyway.” I pouted a bit. Suddenly, I was in an awkward bakery-scented hug from both sides. I basked in the love and support, and I felt better. 'Hugs are great like that.'
“Right. Well since I need to go, like, very soon to catch either a bus or train . . .” I trail off as I try to figure out how to open the flip phone and dial my sister for help. “I'm calling Kay to see if she can keep an eye on you two while I'm in New York.” I wiggle one of my hooves. “These likely aren't very good at opening packages intended for fingers. You guys are going to have to use your mouths for a lot more daily tasks.” My magic fumbled the phone open and I grabbed one of dad's pens from his shirt pocket on the bedpost.
“So let me get this straight,” my sister Kay said over the phone. “You need a 'thumb buddy' to get you to the bus station so you can get to New York to deal with this pony mess?”
“Yes, exactly.” I said.
Kay groaned. “I'm coming over. No way I'm just going to take your word on it, not when you sound like I should be having you babysit Braden and be worried you're going to clean out my fridge.”
“Sis, we've already been over this. What more proof of my identity do you want? The time your entire softball team called me Payton for no good reason? Or the fight over MP3 players we had last year on the way to Florida to take care of Mom during her transplant recovery?”
“I'm still coming,” my sister barreled on, her tone brooking no interruptions, “even if it's just to meet the girlfriend you've met and somehow convinced to read from a script for some sort of prank. Don't think I can't hear you breathing over the speakerphone function. I'll be there in an hour. And Eljay, she sounds cute.” With that , she disconnected the call.
I sighed and looked up to the ceiling. “Of course she's cute, she's a perky pink pony princess.”
“Well, I don't blame her.” Mom said, her concern following a natural path in Cup Cake's face. “It is pretty ridiculous on the face of it, and you know your sister doesn't have cable.”
'How many of those grey hairs are Pinkie's fault?' I absently wondered. “Mom, you look a little put out. Let me get stuff from the cupboards, and why don't you try baking something quick? It might relax you.”
“Bucking HORSE!” Dad swore as the cable remote clattered to the floor. He blinked at the minced oath that came out.
“Do you know what channel you want?” I ask gently as I levitate the dropped device.
“Weather channel, please.” He sulked. “I want to know what to expect on the road. And turn it down, it's too bucking loud.”
I changed the channel and adjusted the volume. “There you go! I'm just going to see about our route on my computer and do some other stuff while we wait for Kay to get here.” I pause at the tight anger on dad's new face and flick an ear at the rattling of pots and silverware. “Why don't you help mom in the kitchen after you get what you want? It might help you get used to your new situation faster.”
Dad's grunt was all the answer I needed. I powered up my computer and created a Hotmail account and a Facebook for 'Mi Amore Cadenza.' I did some silly things, like the grand tradition of the Duckface into my dad's digital camera and set it as my profile pic. I checked Pinkie and Fluttershy's pages and stopped in shock.
Someone had shot Fluttershy.
Fortunately for my nerves, enough posts let me know that she was all right, but the grim Pinkamena photos in response shook me badly.
Still, with shaking hooves and a bit of strain from my horn, I posted on Fluttershy's wall.
“Glad you're all right, and that you met up with Pinkie. See you in New York! -- Mi Amore Cadenza”
I took a moment to gather my laptop and a few things that I could conceivably use on the trip. Unfortunately, none of my clothes would fit or even be marginally useful. So I mostly just loaded the extra space in my messenger bag with wall chargers, pens and so on.
I carried the bag to the living room and sniffed at the air. Apparently they'd spilled some vanilla in the kitchen. Ready to do my part to help clean up, I arrived to an amazing sight.
Apparently, having mom and dad do things related to their cutie marks had been a good idea. They danced around the kitchen, mixing, cleaning, and nuzzling each other. Dad had calmed down greatly, and they both seemed to have gotten over their fit of the clumsies. In fact, mom was putting Mrs Cake's body through a series of balance exercises that I had only thought Pinkie or maybe Applejack capable of. She had a cool cupcake pan spinning on her poll.
“Honey?” Mom asked Dad. “Can you get that cupboard open?”
“Right away, Sugar,” he replied and did so.
“Thank you, Kumquat!” She beamed at him, before getting a serious look on her face and peering at the top shelf.
“No problem, Blueberry!”
“Would you like me to help, Mom?” I asked from where I was standing.
“No, dear,” she said gently and stamped a hoof. I felt the shudder go through the building and a box of raisins tumbled from the cupboard. She hopped up and caught and balanced the box on her nose. “I got it, thank you!”
I smiled. “Good to see you're handling it well at the moment. Just... this should probably be your last batch, otherwise we won't be ready to leave when Kay gets here.”
“Of course.” I took a moment trying to find the spill; the vanilla scent smelled wonderful, but it was a little strong. Not seeing any puddles of extract on the counters or floor, I returned to packing, this time, trying to find things for Mom and Dad. I packed simple toiletries, like shower gel and shampoo, even though I knew there wouldn't be enough, or we'd go through it quickly.
It felt really strange for all of the packing for the three of us to boil down to my messenger bag for the electronics and a tote bag for the toiletries. As an extra precaution, I grabbed winter hats and scarves from the closet. The hats would probably work best for Mom and Dad, considering the long spear of bone and magically-laced keratin sticking out of my skull.
I walked back into my cluttered mess of a room and worked on loading my MP3 player with a good mix of things to help my parents get their minds off of their sudden change. It should help me too, but I had a strong feeling of purpose, being royal. Pretty pretty princesses were usually all flash and no substance. Cadance had a lot more willpower than one would expect, surviving those caves as well as she did.
I stumbled slightly, almost falling on my face, but I caught myself. 'Now, now, Eljay, you are royalty. Act like it. Grace and poise.' I thought. Regaining my smooth gait with a sense of satisfaction, I began to head to the kitchen to check on my parents again, when I heard my sister using her spare key in the lock.
I turned to the door and put a smile on my face.
“So, Eljay where’s this girl . . . friend . . .” Kay trailed off, her jaw dropped.
I impishly smirked and spread my wings slightly. “Hello, Kay. I told you it was me.” I turned my head to the kitchen. “Mom? Dad? Kay’s here!”
“Be right there, dears!” Mom caroled.
“B-but. B-but how?” My sister said, her hands covering her mouth in shock.
“Best I can figure,” I said with a hooded gaze, “magic.”
She frowned. “How can you be so flip? You changed into Lisa Frank’s top model!”
I couldn’t help it, I broke into giggles. Cadance’s voice made it sound like tinkling bells.
“Would you rather I make like Galadriel? ‘All shall love me and despair?’”
“I have no idea who that is.” She said, staggering towards the living room. “But if anything else, the weird references clinches you are who you say you are.”
She froze again as she turned the corner to the living room when Mom stepped from the kitchen, plate of cupcakes in her mouth.
Mom’s eyes lit up and she set the plate on the coffee table. “Kay! Would you like some cupcakes?” She trotted towards my sister, her slightly disheveled icing-swirl mane bouncing. She reared up and hugged Kay’s waist. “I’m glad you came so quickly, sweetheart!”
‘Huh,’ I thought. ‘Mom must have spilled some of that vanilla on herself.’
“There’s no way you can be hugging me like that,” Kay said dully, her eyes glazing a bit from the shock. “Horses’ forelegs don’t move like that . . .”
“Ponies.” Dad said as he walked out himself. He frowned, apparently wondering where his indignant tone came from.
I stepped behind my sister and gently nudged her to the living room and to the high-backed swivel chair Dad had originally used for his computer until he had to use a wheelchair.
“So,” I said. “Believe me now?”
Kay shook her head and absently reached for one of the cupcakes. It was obvious she was thinking. After the metaphorical gears ground for a bit, she gave me a sharp once-over.
“You’re not getting on a bus, Eljay.”
“What? I’ve got to get to New York and there’s no way I can afford airfare!”
My sister got shakily to her feet and walked over to me. She smacked my rump, right on the cutie mark. I squawked in embarrassment.
“Those legs mean you can’t sit in most commercial vehicles . . .” She smirked weakly. “. . . Sis.” She looked over to Mom and Dad. “They might, but not you.” She drew her hand in a tired arc down her face, before noticing the computer.
“You finally set up a Facebook account?” A playful tinge entered her voice. “It took getting turned into a pretty pink pony to get you into the 21st century?” A snort of disgust escaped her. “A duck face profile pic? We’re fixing that right now.”
With something to focus on other than the impossibility of what had happened, my sister quickly nudged the three of us into a ‘family picture’ pose in front of dad’s now unnecessary wheelchair and took a picture with the camera still attached to the computer. A few quick clicks later and my profile pic had changed.
My sister grinned in satisfaction and then clicked away from Facebook, bringing up Mapquest. “So where in New York are we going?”
“‘We,’ Sis?”
“I already told you you weren’t getting on a bus, you dipstick!” Her playful smile took the sting out of the insult. “And like you said . . .” She wriggled her fingers at me. “ . . . You need a ‘thumb buddy.’”
“All right. We’re going to an old shoe factory . . .”
A few minutes later, we were out of the apartment building and loaded in Kay’s Dodge Nitro. Mom was buckled into Braden’s booster seat, and Dad, being slightly larger, was buckled beside her. What baggage I’d packed was in the rear seat foot wells.
As for myself, I rattled my horn against the kennel cage separating the cargo bay from the passenger seats. “Attica! Attica!”
“Eljay, sweetie, it’s not that bad is it?” Mom asked, swivelling her head back to look at me.
“No, Mom, I understand why I’m back here, and the fleece blankets make it more comfortable than I was expecting, really. I'm just being silly.” With that I settled in for the start of the ride.
We pulled into the nearest Wal-Mart fifteen minutes later. After a brief discussion, we decided it was best for Kay to go in on her own, after she rolled down the windows. It was unseasonably warm, after all. As a kindness, she left the stereo on, and tuned it to the oldies station.
Of course, being the goober I was, I sang along with it.
“Yummy, yummy, yummy! I’ve got love in my tummy …” Of course, I got the song stuck in my head.
My sister came out soon after, with a couple bags and a wide grin on her face.
I didn’t trust that grin. Not. One. Bit. As well I shouldn’t have.
After she dropped her bags of snacks and toiletries into the footwells, she pulled out a rhinestone-encrusted T-shirt and a pair of scissors and smiled at me. A friendly argument and some wing and tail pulling later, and I was sitting outside the Nitro, in a hastily modified Trailer-trash Bling shirt that said “Princess,” faking a smile for the camera.
Fighting down my blush as I climbed back in so we could get underway, I muttered under my breath. “Yep, this day has been just perfect...”
Chapter 3: Deceptive Cadance Thorsday, October Fish, 2012, Noon-ish EDT
The Holyoke Mall was slightly unusual in this economy, in that it was still fully occupied and seemingly bustling. From the school busses parked outside and the “My Little Pony Live Show” banner over the entrance, a vibrant events schedule seemed to be the reason why.
As Kay undid Mom and Dad’s seatbelts and I opened the liftgate with my magic, I looked nervously at the banner.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” I asked, shrugging out of the T-shirt and making sure the regalia that had stayed in place remarkably well was presentable.
“Aren’t you hungry, dear?” Mom asked.
“I could use a drink or something, and I’m a tad peckish myself!” Dad piped in. He had a hoof up to his head as though he was massaging a headache away.
“I’m not really hungry at all.” I frowned, then turned and smiled at everyone. “But if you are, I’m sure we can find something. I’m just worried about the kid swarm inside.”
“Aww, but I bet they’ll love you, Princess Candace!” Kay teased.
“It’s ‘Cadance,’ but I may have to start insisting on ‘Mi Amore Cadenza’ out of you.” I sniffed haughtily and regally began to move towards the mall, soon followed by my laughing family.
When we got to the food court, we could see the throng of children for the show. As I had feared, the stage was set up for the horrendous Calgary Stampede live show with badly off model mascot costumes. Sadly, I found myself drawn to the stage just to see how horrid it actually was. My bile fascination did not go unnoticed, however.
“Eljay, sweetheart?” Mom asked from the table she and Dad were seated at while Kay got their meals. “Are you all right?” Again, I was struck by the loving concern that seemed to be permanently etched in the blue mare’s face.
“Of course I am.” I soothed. “I’m just going to go see what the ruckus is about over there.” I nodded towards the stage.
“If you’re sure . . .”
“I’ll be fine, and it’s not like you’ll lose me in the crowd.” I said gently. With my mother placated, and Dad focused on where Kay was getting the food, I gracefully stepped over to the show.
It wasn’t quite as bad as I’d feared, at least musically. The poor dancers in the costumes very obviously had not had a lot of practice. Unfortunately, I’d crept a little too close to the throng of children.
A multitude of little girls shrieked out. “Princess Cadance!” Almost before I realized what was going on, I had been engulfed in a wave of adorable little girls who smelled strongly of vanilla.
I smiled softly down at them. “Hello, little ones! Is everypo- everyone enjoying themselves?” The response was overwhelmingly positive. I looked over to see the teachers and chaperones looking on in consternation, and one was drawing nearer. I spared a glance back at my family and they had terribly amused smiles on their faces as they sat at a table and ate.
“Okay, everyone! Can you give the Princess some space, please?” A harried looking teacher had drawn up. "I’m sure she has a very busy day planned.”
“Oh, don’t worry, ma’am, It’s fine.” I smiled down beatifically at the little darlings. “I have some time to spare, and I just love, love, love kids!” I looked around and gently nudged a few children away. “Sweetheart, can you let go, please? Somepony, er, someone else wants a turn.” Still smiling, I turned back to the teacher, my eyes scanning the throng. “I don’t know why they smell like vanilla though.”
My eyes lit on one little boy standing aside, with a smile on his face. He was wearing a T-shirt with the legend “Troublemaker” on it.
“Hey, little guy!” I called. “You can come on over, too. Ponies aren’t just for girls, you know!”
“Okay, Your Majesty!” The little guy’s grin widened, showing that his parents were due for an orthodontic nightmare. He scampered over and hopped up on one of the benches nearby. He reached out. and I lowered my head so he could touch my mane. Then, the little scamp swiped my crown.
“Now, kiddo that wasn’t very . . . nice?” I stood, flabbergasted, as the little boy twisted and stretched like taffy in slow motion, reminding me of the transformation scene in An American Werewolf in London. My little crown was also stretching in his hand, forming into a mirror, of all things. The stomach-churning spectacle had already scattered most of the children around me except for the four clinging to each leg.
My horror was only compounded when the transformation was complete. Standing before me was Discord in all his glory, looking into the mirror he’d made of my crown. The dirty so-and-so was admiring himself in the mirror while kids and parents and shoppers ran screaming, except for the foolish souls who had their cell phone glued to their eyes, taking pictures and videos of the confrontation, like my own sister, Kay. Seemingly satisfied, the chimeric creature turned to me and purred.
“Come on, now.” He paused for effect, gesturing up and down his form with his lion’s paw. “I’ve shown you mine. Now, show me yours . . .” He drew out the word suggestively. “ . . . Queenie.”
“What are you talking about?” I spread my wings and tried to shield the children still clinging to me from the monster before us.
“Oh?” The gleeful surprise on his face annoyed me greatly. “Oh! This is rich!” He skipped gaily over a few steps, swirling in a graceful arabesque. “You haven’t figured it out yet? You are truly, really as dense as her? maybe that is the deciding factor on who gets what pony, their level of oblivious ignorance." he chuckled with a sneer.
"I'm not going to let you harm these children." Said children clung tighter to my legs. As we spoke, my parents began to walk over, salads and Subway veggie sandwiches hanging in bags from their mouths.
"I’m not here for them. I don't mess with kids.” Discord scoffed dismissively. “They have so little grounding already, why bother? No... The real joy. The real kick and rush is when I take some grown Mare's life, and turn it upside down." With this, he turned the mirror to face me.
The horrified face reflected there had brilliant green eyes and a straight blue-green mane with ragged ends. The twisted horn and tiny fangs combined with the dark green coat showed me Chrysalis, the Changeling Queen.
"I wouldn't expect anything less but total protection of a food source, from an insect such as yourself." He continued.
"No. It's a trick. You're good at those." Edgy caution and fading hope warred within me.
"Oh come on, really?” His disdain was palpable, “You are dense. Tell me, if you are Cadance, why have you not once used your magic to cause love? No you’ve been feeding off it.” He chuckled gaily. “It really is quite amusing that you are so determined to hang onto a false identity." He leaned down to one of the kids, handing her the mirror and shooing her away. “Run along, little monkey. Higher life forms are talking.”
"I'm not . . . a monster." I said defensively. “Spreading love doesn't always have to be blatant little hearts everywhere!”
Discord nodded. "No more a monster than I am," he said with a wide smile, before vanishing and reappearing next to me. "Boo." with that, he grabbed hold of a feather on my wing, and pulled. It came out painlessly.
'Molting already?' I shook my head to clear it. Strong wafts of vanilla drew my attention to where Mom and Dad as the cakes are standing flabbergasted next to my new Royal Archivist, Kay. At that point I remembered I had Discord in my personal space.
"Gah!" I lit my horn, letting out a burst of offensive magic that shattered like sugar glass against Discord, raining green sparks across the floor. I swallowed dryly. ‘How the hay did I not notice my magic was green?’
"I need allies in this world, I can easily buy out corporations and make powerful changes in the key places, but I am alone from my world. Here I offer you a chance at something more than Armageddon. I offer you..." With a flourish, Discord pulled a golden apple from thin air, sparkling with energy. "Absolution. I can let you sleep. Let the queen take over until this is all over, you don't have to watch this world fall."
Mister Cake, no, Dad, leapt in to plant a buck to Discord's face. "Keep away from my so-daughter you bucking freak!"
Discord sighed as he was knocked back a few steps. "I am a freak? Just as I said a moment ago, no more than her. You may have realized you feel tired? Maybe a slight headache? She has been consuming your love with reckless abandon! I offer a way out for her."
My eyes widening in terror, I tackled him away from Discord. "Dad! that's basically Pony Satan! We've got to get out of here! Kay, take Mom!” I looked back over my shoulder to the teacher. “Ma'am, please, take the kids!"
“Pony Satan?” Dad gulped. “Pater noster qui es in caelis....”
‘God, it feels weird to hear Mister Cake’s voice chanting in Latin.’ I thought.
Mom pranced slightly, her worry very apparent. “What’s he talking about?” Kay scooped her up and began running to the parking lot. Dad paused, lips still moving in prayer, before following them.
Discord looked to my family running away with a bit of amusement before frowning. "I grow bored of this." He then grabbed hold of my horn and a green fire begins to seep from his hands across me. "I will have my ally, if I have to burn your mind from this body myself." he growled as he let go and the green fire started to spread.
"No, no, NO!" The flames flickered, revealing the holes in my legs as I ran towards the exit. I felt naked and exposed. Not because I was shapeshifting, but because I didn’t choose to. My wings were no longer covered in feathers. Nearing the doors, I frantically searched for my family.
I spotted the Draconequus right behind them by the entrance. "You would probably want to follow her." He said calmly. "You are her lunch and dinner, after all." he chuckled darkly.
Heart thundering in my chest, I skid to a stop just in front of them. Chrysalis’ sexy alto with a slight buzz spills from my lips. "Mom! Dad! Kay! Come on! I saw a church on the way in!" Green flame answered my will, forming a familiar bubble that enveloped us and twisted space until we landed a mile away, at St Jerome's Catholic Church.
Discord reappeared and laughed, walking slowly and ominously towards the church, causing some people to run in fear and a few to just look at him and shrug. "Oh, Chrysaliiiiis.” He sang out. “I need a queen for my chaotic empiiiiire!"
:: We should take the deal. :: Chrysalis’ voice echoed in my head, cementing the truth.
"What? No! He won't honor it.” I replied aloud. “Or not the way we'd want. He's the epitome of the Jerkass Genie."
"Sweetie?" Mrs. Cake asked.
"No, that's Mom." More vanilla filled my nose, with a hint of cardamom.
"Why are you talking to yourself?" Mom’s concern was palpable, and Dad was starting the Hail Marys.
Kay later told me that my expression then was one of the most haunting things she’d ever seen.
"She’s going crazy." Discord said from a disturbingly familiar chaise lounge next to them.
My family let out a terrified squeak and hid behind me, trying to keep me between them and Discord.
"No, I lied.” The Draconequus said, considering, his face lighting up. “She’s slowly discovering her inner bug pony! so much better, dont you think? At least she isnt going crazy." He rolled his eyes.
:: Why are you bothering to defend these three? :: Chrysalis buzzed. :: You can find more food anytime you like! :: Her certainty faded as I absently noted all the humans looking at both of us with fear. :: We . . . just need to figure out how to turn into these monkey things. ::
"Chryssy, can we hash this out when we don't have an existential crisis on our hooves!?" I asked in exasperation, stamping my riven hoof. Behind me, Dad was knocking on the church’s front door while my sister was documenting everything with her cell phone’s camera.
"Ooh, she's talking to her inner bug pony again, I can practically hear the buzzing." Discord chuckled, tossing the golden apple between his claws. As it spun, I absently noted the Greek letters etched across it.
"Kallistoi." Eljay-Chrysalis I try to snark. "I'm not exactly going to be winning that one from Paris unless I cheat.” Behind me, an old priest was opening the door and my family began to pass the threshold. “But yeah..." I looked down the aisle and indicated the crucifix over the altar. "I kind of have precedent for females taking apples from snakes. It's not a Good Idea."
Discord sighed from the entrance of the church. "Well then... I will have to come back for you. Chrysalis will be less... uptight." With a snap of his fingers, he vanished. leaving us standing in a small church, my world shattered.
I had to give the priest credit, though; he took a weeping bug pony having an existential crisis in his church with remarkable aplomb.
Crying in a church isn’t terribly uncommon. Whether it’s the brimming joyful tears of a bride, the weeping of mourners, or the simple wails of an innocent baby who just wants a bottle, it’s usually expected, or not commented upon.
Crashing from a terror-induced adrenaline rush and realizing that one has been eating one’s family without them knowing it was something entirely different. My sister’s natural reaction to me crying, approaching and trying to comfort me, filled my nose with vanilla.
::That’s love, and it’s not your nose,:: Chrysalis corrected. ::Hmm. Quite filling, as well.::
“Kay, please stop.” My new voice was thick with emotion and tears. “I appreciate the gesture, but I might hurt you until I get a hold of this.” My sister jumped back as though I were on fire, and I tried to get up and walk away. “Tried” being the operative word.
“What the hay?” I asked, rubbing my nose with a holey hoof. “I was able to walk just fine as Cadance.” I got on my hooves and wobbled for a bit, reminding myself of one of my grandmother’s newborn foals.
I tried to get a better hang on my walking when I felt a splash on my back. I turned to face the source and found the priest, aspergillium and bucket of holy water in hand. Despite being a lapsed Catholic at best, old instincts made me cross myself in response. His shock was amusing, but his relief was tangible.
I paused in the middle of my wobbly circuit and began to make my way to the confessional. ‘It’s been a long time,’ I thought, ‘I may as well get shriven.’ I stopped for a moment, catching Mom’s eye while Dad prayed and indicated the confessional with my horn so she’d know where I was, and I caught another waft of love-vanilla.
I settled into the narrow booth as best I could, my tattered wings buzzing slightly until I found my balance. I waited for the priest to take his place, and began. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been far too long since my last confession...”
Minutes later, feeling lighter than perhaps I should have, I was working out how to kneel at a pew. A prayer reference card floated in a green aura before my eyes, and I began my penance.
I absently noted a scent of peppermint and gingerbread as I prayed.
::Whatever you’re blathering on about,:: Chrysalis chimed in, ::keep it up, this love is delicious.::
I screwed up my face in concentration and continued the prescribed course of Hail Marys, Our Fathers and so on. As I did, the peppermint and gingerbread scent faded into a kind of muzzy haze, like I knew it was there, but it wasn’t as urgent.
I also felt like I’d had a good meal. Worried, I looked to my parents, who were nestled up to each other. The vanilla scent I’d come to associate with their love had a touch of cinnamon to it now, but it was now as muted as the Christmas-like scent that had filled me as I prayed. They looked fine, and since I wasn’t hungry anymore, it wasn’t likely that I’d hurt them any time soon.
I looked around the church. “Where’d Kay go?”
Dad looked a bit confused, almost endearingly so with Mister Cake’s face. “She called a cab so she could get the Nitro from the mall. You were in there quite a while.”
I tried to chuckle self-deprecatingly but it came out as a giggle. “Well, you know, when a lapsed Catholic has reason to be in a church, they’re going to take a while in the confessional.”
Dad snorted in amusement. “Be that as it may, Kay should be back soon, shall we go wait for her?”
I looked with trepidation at the door. Did I really want to go out in public like this? And aside from waking up disguised as Cadance, I really had no idea how to shapeshift yet. ‘I need to accept, adapt, and survive.’ I mused, then lifted my head. ‘If I must be a Queen, then I need to have some dignity.’
My delay didn’t really hamper my parents, who had already stepped out to wait for Kay’s return. As I began to wobble out the doors, I heard a joyous shout.
“Mommy! Ponies!” An adorable little girl in pigtails had glomped Mom.
I hesitated. ‘Should I go out? Should I disguise myself? Do I even know how?’
Mom was handling the glomp attack surprisingly well, using her pediatric nurse’s training to good effect, while Dad was placating the girl’s mother.
My ears twitched as I heard Kay’s Nitro coming down the road. I stepped down the stairs towards the curb and immediately froze at a terrified gasp. Seconds later I felt a warm pressure on my forelegs and the scent of vanilla and modeling clay assaulted my senses. I looked down and realized the little girl had switched targets.
I barely had time to register my surprise when suddenly, I was being buffeted by a large purse. I blanked out the incoherent shrieks from the mother, mainly because I was concentrating on using what magic I’d been able to figure out to keep the strikes from causing me grievous bodily injury.
“Susie! Get away from that monster!”
“But Moooom!” The little girl whined. “Changelings need love, too!”
I heard the Nitro pull up and the door open, followed by the clack of boots on pavement and the crack of knuckles popping.
“I suggest you step away from my sister, bitch.” Kay’s voice was cold and flat. She brought her fists up into an almost parodic version of the Notre Dame mascot’s fighting stance.
“Kay, not in front of the kid.” I slowly began to edge towards the SUV, hoping that things could be reasonably handled. My tattered dragonfly wings began buzzing and I felt the pressure of my body weight shift from my hooves to my withers. “What if the little girl were Braden hugging a mountain lion?”
“Nobody messes with . . . “
“Kay!” I shouted. “I’m willing to disengage without any further incident! We have places to be and this situation doesn’t matter.” I side-slipped in midair, intent on just getting in the car and getting this stupid confrontation over with.
Then, the lady’s purse smacked me again and set me spinning. Her terror spiced her love for her daughter into a heady, savory feast.
I blanked out for a moment, and when I came back to myself, the woman was on her knees, staring blankly into space, and I felt like I’d just gorged on a Thanksgiving dinner.
I turned back to the little girl who was staring wide-eyed at us. “Little one, your mother loves you very much.” I said kindly. “But she’s going to need to know how much you love her. Can you give her a big hug and tell her?” At the little girl’s determined nod, I smiled. “Good.”
More subdued, my family piled back into the SUV and got back to the Interstate.
Kay had bought a few things to make the trip more pleasant, which all have the vague scent of “PetsMart” to them. My parents were wearing seat belt harnesses that let them sit more comfortably. Various pillows were scattered about the back seat, and a Great Dane-scaled dog bed made the cargo bed more tolerable, even if my twisted horn kept poking the ceiling.
There was only so much interstate scenery I could tolerate, so I spoke up. “Kay? Do you have a wireless hotspot on your phone?”
“Huh?” She asked distractedly from the driver’s seat. “Oh, sure.” She almost unthinkingly lifted the phone from between the seats and ‘handed’ it back. I caught it in the grasp of my magic and brought it back through the bars of my safety cage. It was only the purest luck that I had a stylus instead of a pen or pencil to use my laptop with. A couple minutes of wrangling electronics, and I had my laptop connected to the internet.
Thankfully, all the updates were up to par so I could get right to the browsing. I popped over the my now-inaccurate Facebook page. And found a reply to one of my attempts at communicating with the Mane Six.
“So I hear you're Cadance! Or at least have her form. I have the body of the Pinkinator! And the scientific inquisitiveness of Bill Nye. So let's conduct an experiment shall we?
First, get yourself a comfy couch, make sure it's really comfy, and I mean comfy. Now make yourself a plate of plain old crackers. Don't matter the brand, just hard and crunchy and a lot of them. Also, music! Music is important. Very important, relaxing music for the Cadenza. Do all of this before reading any further.”
I absently noted the box of Triscuits my sister had bought before and tilted my head as the latest poppy . . . thing . . . played on the radio. ‘Enh. It’ll do.’ I returned to the message.
“I'm serious. Get your big fluffy tail to the kitchen and get yourself those noms. They must be bland.
Did you get the noms? Are you relaxed? Cause if you aren't the experiment's not going to work.”
“Yes, Pinkie,” I subvocalized and rolled my eyes. ‘Hey, you never know, she might be fourth-walling me as I’m reading this.’
“Now that you have noms and comfy resting, I need you to figure out telekinesis for me. Just, you know, anything. I'm no unicorn, though I met one yesterday, so I'm not sure what to tell you. But don't think with your horn is my guess. Think with tentacles of magic, grab a cracker and eat it. Do this again until you've got a rhythm, don't read any further.”
“I take this cracker, and eat it!” I try to joke, though it comes out flat, morose, and surprisingly like the Death Note character’s voice. I shake it off and return to reading, but leave the crackers alone.
“No I'm serious. Again. Don't read further. There's a reason for this, trust your Auntie Pinkie. She's got a lab coat and goggles so she's clearly a scientist.”
The burst of laughter startles me and my parents in the seat in front of me. Oddly enough, I felt lighter than I had since the church. “I’m okay, just someone responding to me on the internet,” I say to ease their fears.
“Have you got down nomming regularly? Good. Now I need you to answer one question, and I need you to answer it very, very, very, very calmly, because this is for science and your emotions going wild will ruin the results. Are you ready for this? Are you? Huh? Well then....
What color is your magic?”
Already knowing the answer, I worked up my response, trying the “tentacles of magic” to work the keys on the battered laptop.
“Thanks, I needed that. the presentation of the inquiry was just humorous enough.
My answer: Green.
Unfortunately, I don't need the experiment. As you may have seen or heard on the news, Discord spelled it out for me. In the middle of a group hug of 'primary demographic.'
Bless the little girl screaming 'changelings need love, too' as her mother dragged her away. Also, unless Discord was messing with us: Churches are safe, or at least old Catholic cathedrals are, anyway.
-- The Pathetic Leech,
Eljay-Chrysalis”
Still feeling a little stuffed, and not really feeling like unnecessarily making my sister’s phone bill atrocious, I decided to set my current status to ‘Changeling Queen in transit,’ shut down my laptop and take a nap.
Instead of the usual muzzy and fitful doze I had come to expect from trying to sleep in a moving car, I found myself in what looked like a throne room based on the "bee levels" from the various Donkey Kong Country games. Half of it looked dark and forbidding, the other half was warm and inviting. I momentarily paused to realize I was back as the version of myself from yesterday, and Chrysalis sat on a twisted throne in the dark half.
"Mm, yes," she drawled languorously. "Welcome to my parlor; I hope you enjoy your visit."
I quirked an eyebrow. "Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure that the actual royal chamber at the hive looks nothing like this."
"Well, my side is almost right... But, that's the badlands for you." She smirked. "Why do you think I started the invasion?"
"Resource mismanagement followed by jealousy and a poor grasp of your diplomatic options." I stated baldly.
She harrumphed and stood from her throne. "Be that as it may..." She strode to the border between dark and light. "We do have some issues to discuss."
I sighed. "Yes, we do." I strode to the border myself, and when I was close enough, I latched onto her in a carapace cracking hug. "It's all right, Chrysalis. We'll figure out a way to keep ourself fed morally. And our little changelings, too."
She stiffened in the hug. "I-idiot! I meant being able to work our disguises."
“Mm, yes.” I drawled back at her. “Of course you did.” I blinked, momentarily disoriented from a small case of double vision.
The Queen’s grin widened fractionally. “Well, it seems you’ve already started picking up on the hive mind.” She crossed the demarcation between light and dark and the two throne rooms began to blend. He eyes flashed brightly for a moment before she nuzzled me. “Now to begin your lessons. First, we need to prime your pump . . . ”
The near familial hug I’d initiated was now like a lovers’ embrace, a metaphor Chrysalis seemed happy to strengthen as she began a trail of kisses down my face, beginning at my forehead. Each kiss lit a bit of warmth within me that grew in intensity with the next kiss, so that by the time she reached my mouth, the spot on my forehead was almost painfully hot.
:: Oh, my, yes! :: I exulted . . . to myself? :: Let’s try an old favorite again, Eljay. ::
The fire that had begun on my forehead consumed me, and a similar green fire surrounded Chrysalis. I found myself looking down a white muzzle at the lovely pink face of Cadance.
Chrysalis-as-Cadance danced back and gave me a long, considering glance. “Not bad, not bad at all. Now, grasp that fire and pull it around you like a blanket while thinking of somepony you’d like to be.”
“O-okay. . .” Shining Armor’s voice answered my call. I gathered what I could still feel of that fire and began to pull it around me . . .
“Don’t think of Princess Luna!” The Changeling Queen called, teasing.
“Wh-what?” I stammered, as the adorable tones of Season One Luna answered me.
“Mm-hm-hm!” Chrysalis throatily chuckled. “I see now why Mother pulled that on me as I was learning. It’s hilarious.”
“Verily,” I sulked. “‘Tis to laugh.”
“Don’t be such a whiny larva. It’s not behavior befitting a Queen.” The faux princess of love glided around me, Chrysalis’ ‘damn, I’m sexy’ walk subsumed under the smooth, regal gait we’d had as Cadance. “Hmm, yes. Quite a good job, if I do say so myself.”
“Thanks be unto thee, ever so much, Your Majesty,” I replied. :: Sarcasm, just one of the many services I offer. ::
“Oh, I’d noticed. It’s definitely one of the traits we’d shared before this whole fiasco.” Chrysalis nodded before reverting to her normal form.
“Well, ‘twould seem We have acquired some modicum of skill at metamorphosis. Fain would We have such at basic daily tasks...”
The Queen hooded her gaze at me. “Try somepony else or revert; I’d forgotten how much Luna’s archaic speech annoyed me. Just take that fire and blow it out like a candle, or squeeze it into a ball at the base of your horn. Rather, where your horn would be if you happen to change into a pegasus or earth pony.”
“Okay...” I did as instructed, but instead of returning to my bipedal self, I seemed to be looking Chrysalis in the eyes.
Her hooded gaze of annoyance shifted to sultry bedroom eyes. “Why, Eljay, I didn’t know you liked my form that much!”
“Mercurial much, Chryssy?” I drawled back to her.
She barked a laugh and sat down on her haunches. “Shapeshifting will do that. Our instincts help us fill our roles, after all.” She sharpened her gaze and I had the distinct feeling of someone rummaging through my head.
I grimaced slightly and mentally reached for Chrysalis’ head. Turnabout was fair play, after all.
“What are you doing?” She frowned at me.
“You’re digging in my head... I thought I’d reciprocate.”
“Fine,” she snorted. “Just don’t whine at me if you don’t like what you find.”
I snorted my self and grabbed a ‘file’ that looked promising, before it exploded into a flurry of images that jolted me awake.
I got control of myself back in my sister’s Nitro with a mouth full of plush and stuffing. I spit it out and observed the fang marks in a heart-shaped pillow. “Apparently, to gorge on storge gives me nightmares. Good to know.”
I looked ahead towards the front of the SUV, and noticed that Mom and Dad were snuggled together on the back seat, and each of them also had a pillow in their mouths. It was incredibly adorable.
:: And potentially delicious. ::
I rolled my eyes. :: Yes, but we’re still quite full. :: I continued my survey of my surroundings, and my sister was playing some Mexican pop over the stereo, concentrating on her driving. I was about to ask where we were, until I saw the Basketball Hall of Fame pass by on the right.
