“It’s pronounced with a ‘lie,’ not a ‘lee.’”
“Presenting Lyra Heartstrings of Ponyville!”
“Your highness.”
“Lyra… we’re friends. You know you can just call me Twilight. And talk to me outside of royal court.”
“I know. But I’m here because I want to make a formal request of the Princess of Equestria. I don’t want it to look like I’m asking a favor to take advantage of our friendship.”
“All right… if that’s your reason. State your business, Mrs. Heartstrings.”
“I’m here to ask about… um… well, it’s something that I think is classified. Maybe really high up. I don’t know whether your aide or your guards are allowed to hear about it.”
“Oh. I see. Okay. I have a soundproof meeting room where foreign leaders sit with me for private conversations concerning state secrets. If this is regarding a subject that’s on a need-to-know basis, we can talk about it in there. Raven, I’ll be back shortly – no need to shift anything around. Ly— Mrs. Heartstrings, follow me.”
“Wow… for a private hallway, this is really fancy.”
“Leaders and dignitaries from other nations pass through here – we want to make a good impression. You know, most ponies don’t get a private audience with the princess, even if they show up and say that it’s classified. You may not want our friendship to influence your request, but it already has.”
“Then why are your guards looking at me like I might attack you at any moment?”
“It’s their job to protect me. I know you’re not a threat, but as far as they’re concerned, you could be a rogue changeling out to avenge Chrysalis.”
“Her? After what she did to me… she got what she deserved. There is no way in the world I’d ever help that louse.”
“Unless she planted an order deep in your subconscious to be carried out years later.”
“What? I wouldn’t… she could do that?”
“We don’t know that she couldn’t. Even though I don’t think she did, that’s one of the reasons the guards will be right outside the door. They might not hear our conversation, but they’ll have a way of knowing if I’m in trouble.”
“How?”
“That’s classified. From you. Have a seat.”
“Oh, wow… this is the comfiest chair I’ve ever been in. Mmmmm…”
“Thanks. But look, I’ll get right to it: we still haven’t found a way to unequivocally ensure that Equestrian magic can’t enter the other world, and until we do, we can’t allow anypony and everypony through as tourists. I’m sorry, and I know you’re—”
“No, this isn’t about that. This is about something else that’s classified.”
“Something else? If this isn’t… what is it?”
“Well… are you allowed to change decrees that Princess Celestia made?”
“I suppose I could, if I believed it was justified. But there would have to be a good reason for it. To which decree are you referring?”
“It’s… um… okay, so let’s say, hypothetically, that Princess Celestia knew about a certain agency secretly operating in Equestria on behalf of the government or maybe the military. But then one day, something bad happened and the agency had to be shut down. The princess didn’t want that bad thing connected to her, so she ordered all records of the agency destroyed and all the agents had to take on new identities.”
“Are you saying Celestia made you— wait, no… you’ve been Lyra Heartstrings ever since we were fillies.”
“This isn’t about me. So imagine that, hypothetically, part of the princess’s decree was that if any of the agents ever said anything about the agency, they’d be banished from Equestria. Hypothetically.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Not hypothetically.”
“And imagine, for the sake of argument, that one of the agents thought she was going to be killed during a monster attack, so she confessed everything to her marefriend because she didn’t want her to be left with questions afterward. Thank the stars, she survived, but now she’s worried the government will find out she told somepony and banish her. Even though she’s married now and didn’t want to keep any secrets from her now-wife and she’d never tell anypony else. And neither would her wife.”
“If she’s worried about the government finding out, then why are you telling this to the head of state?”
“I’m not telling you anything. I’m asking about a hypothetical situation and whether you’d be able to change that decree if such a decree existed.”
“I don’t think that defense would hold up legally, but okay, I’ll play along. If Celestia didn’t want this connected to her, then it would be difficult for me to find the decree in the first place in order to overturn it. That’s assuming I thought it was reasonable to overturn it. But if I read it and felt it was too extreme, I could annul or amend it, yes.”
“Then if you happen to come across a decree like that, could you consider changing it so a pony won’t be banished if her wife knows about the secret? It would really be a weight off her back. And maybe also she could tell her parents? She hasn’t yet, but she feels bad about not being able to explain anything to them.”
“I can’t make any promises, but I can at least take a brief look. I don’t have time to try to unearth every secret decree going back a decade or more, though. Can Bon Bon give me the name of the agency so I know where to look?”
“Bon Bon? Who said anything about Bon Bon? Also, she doesn’t know I’m asking about this, so please don’t say anything to her. The mare I’m hypothetically talking about wouldn’t want anypony to know that she might have theoretically told somepony else.”
“That makes things much more difficult. I suppose I could ask if there are any files that cross-reference Bon Bon, but if this decree applied to multiple ponies—”
“That wouldn’t work. Um, assuming this is about her. Part of the cover-up – the supposed cover-up – was that she had to take on a new name. So her current name wouldn’t be connected to the decree.”
“Without some kind of lead, I can’t help.”
“Well… if such a decree existed, it might mention a pony named Sweetie Drops. Hypothetically. And this imaginary pony who never existed as far as I know, she never mentioned the official name of the agency. But… you might want to look into the history of the bugbear that attacked Ponyville five years ago.”
“Bugbear? The monster the girls and I fought the day Cranky and Matilda got married?”
“Yeah, look into that. Maybe it’s connected to this theoretical agency. Maybe it was captured some time before, and then it escaped and attacked Ponyville. Hypothetically.”
“You know, you can stop with this ‘hypothetically’ business.”
“No I can’t. If you decide not to change anything, then I never admitted anything.”
“If you say so. Okay: research the history of the bugbear, see if it’s connected to a pony named Sweetie Drops, and decide whether that pony should be allowed to tell her loved ones about a top-secret agency without it resulting in exile.”
“She doesn’t have to explain everything. I just don’t think she should have to be afraid of being banished just because she admitted a secret to somepony she loves and trusts. If, you know, there was such a pony. Hypothetically theoretically for the sake of argument.”
“Right. This is clearly pure conjecture. Is there anything else you came here for?”
“That’s it. But now I don’t want to get out of this comfy, comfy chair.”
“Well, you have to – I have to return to the throne room.”
“Aw, all right. Oh – Bon Bon thinks I’m here because I wanted to find out whether it ever matters, legally, if Heartstrings is spelled as one word or two on official documents or paperwork.”
“If all of your other information and cutie mark match, it should be okay either way. Even a couple of generations ago, misspellings of proper names on legal documents were surprisingly common. For example, the obstetrician who delivered my father wrote N-I-T-E instead of N-I-G-H-T on his birth certificate.”
“Thanks – that’s good to know. Turns out they had it wrong at the bank back when we first merged our accounts and it’s been causing a headache now that Bon Bon wants to refinance our mortgage.”
“I have one last gift for you. Here.”
“Now you’re spoiling me.”
“I’m supposed to spoil you on your birthday. Open it open it open it.”
“I assume it’s some kind of gift certificate… wait, what? Where did you get an official decree from Princess Twilight?”
“Read it.”
“I… oh my goodness. Is this real?”
“Completely real.”
“I can’t— this really says this?”
“It’s right there. ‘Although the existence of this agency must remain a secret from the public at large’… ‘it shall be up to the good judgment of its former agents to determine whether certain nonspecific facts about the agency may be revealed to a limited number of ponies’… ‘said former agent shall not be subject to disciplinary action.’”
“But how…?”
“Remember when we visited Canterlot a couple months ago and Lemon Hearts was showing you around the kitchens while I went to go speak to Twilight?”
“You did this?”
“Happy birthday.”
“This is just— you are the best wife in the world. Thank you. Thank you so much. I love you.”
“I love you too.”