Edgelord
Deep in the bowels of your mother's basement, you, an edgy Reddit Man with a three inch penis was sitting behind his desk at your ‘cumputer’. Your ‘cumputer’ was covered in dry cum stains from all the years of masturbating profusely down here with your small three inch penis. You wore a black t-shirt, and very loose black pants. You had an unkempt, greasy neckbeard. Your most defining feature was your black fedora on top of your head. Despite the evidence to the contrary, you considered yourself an intellectual genius and a bastion of masculinity.
And then a fucking portal opened up, and you were teleported into the magical fucking land of Equestria. You were not startled by this in the least, you knew this day would cum. You even anticipated a very friendly pink Earth Pony approaching you with a big happy smile on her face.
“Hello there, human! Welcome to Equestria!” she shouted; raising her two front forelegs high into the air.
You growled at her angrily and pulled your right hand back to give this annoying pony a slap. You could see Pinkie’s eyes widen in alarm at this. Then, with a roar you sent your hand hurtling towards her cheek. However, this didn't really work out as planned. Pinkie Pie simply ducked her head at your attempted strike.
She opened her mouth to speak but you stopped her when you attempted to strike her again. Only for the same thing to happen again.
You became greatly frustrated at this turn of events; screaming like an autistic retard. Your next plan of action was to simply lunge at her, barreling your mighty fat neckbeard body forward. This also failed since Pinkie Pie simply darted to decide to move at such speed she was little more than a pinkish blur.
“Stop it! I’m warning you!” she said sternly; glaring at you with her eyes narrowed to slits.
You were panting out of breath. All this physical activity was taking a strain on your fat neckbeard physiology. You took a deep breath before lunging at her again, only for Pinkie Pie to simply turn into a pinkish blur again, and seemingly disappear from sight.
You stood there wondering where she went, until you felt something tapping your shoulder from behind.
“Last chance, buddy,” Pinkie Pie spoke, her voice laced with venom.
You swung around and attempted to hit her. Only for her to backflip away from you. She then gave you a sweet smile, tilting her head to the side, before lunging at you with her two front hooves. You were unceremoniously turned into a pile of bloody paste from the resulting strike upon your fat belly.
Darkness. This was the end. At least, it should have been until you found yourself opening your eyes. You groaned as the light hit your eyes. You appeared to be in a hospital. You attempted to get up but there were leather strap restraints binding your arms and legs to the bed. You were bound to the bed and unable to get up.
“Let’s try this again,” said Pinkie Pie. You turned your head to the side. The mare looked at you with a frown on her face. “Hello there, I’m Pinkie Pie.”
“How am I–” you said before being cut off.
“Magic!” she shouted, before lowering her voice. “Now, say hello back to me.”
“No! I will not say hello to you Pinkie Pie. I want to hit you because I hate you.”
“I get it, Anon, you have a very small penis. But that's still no reason to assault a pony. I mean, I would have got you potions or magic to fix that issue. I would even help you lose weight with exercises with me and Rainbow Dash. And oooh, you could have had a threesome with me and Rainbow. Oh my yes, you could have had a magical time in Equestria, but you decided to be an idiotic edgelord Reddit Man. Tell me, what was the point of all that? Like just why did you try to assault me for no reason? All I wanted to do was say hello. But you were like I'm a fat greasy neckbeard who likes hitting women… or mares in my case to prove how manly they are. And another thing, why are you so—”
“Shut-up-shut-up-shut-up!” you shouted like an idiot.
Pinkie Pie turned around and showed you her backside. “Look at this fat pony butt. You want this butt, don’t you?” Your three inch penis became erect at the sight of it. “Well, you are not getting this ass. But do you know who is?”
“What?” you asked in an angry tone.
Just then a true manly man walked into the room. Commander John Shepard. This true bastion of masculinity picked up Pinkie Pie; his hands sinking into the soft plush fat of her ass. Pinkie Pie stuck her tongue out at you, mocking you.
“This could have been you, but no. You decided to take another path, buddy. Take care of yourself, young man. You are going back home. The mirror portal is scheduled to be delivered to Ponyville tomorrow. I'm throwing you into it. You will be reunited with your cumputer and returned to your mother's basement. Have a nice life being a burden on the taxpayer, Neckbeard Reddit Man.”
You sighed in defeat. Maybe this wasn't the most optimal choice. You had dreamed of going to Equestria, but you decided to blow it by being an absolute idiot. Whatever the case may be, at least you have your video games on your cumputer. But that would require redemption and change, you don't believe in change, all you know is that you are a Neckbeard Reddit Man. You will have your revenge one day, this is not the end. For you are legion, they may defeat you but another neckbeard will take your place, the power of the neckbeard can only be contained so long.
Pinkie Pie simply shook her head at you, before turning to Commander John Shepard. “Reporting for duty, Shepard,” she said in a hot breathy voice.
“Report to the ship as soon as possible. We'll Bang, OK??” he said in a manly voice.
“Hehehe!” Pinkie simply giggled.