Why Pinkie Pie Isn't Allowed to Play Chess Anymore
In Ponyville's Golden Oaks Library, Pinkie eyed a chessboard tearfully. "I don't really like to play chess anymore. Last time I tried it, ponies got very upset."
"How could a silly BOARD GAME make ponies upset?" Rainbow asked.
Fluttershy said softly, "It isn't silly. To some ponies, chess is very important. Chess can be an all-consuming intellectual obsession."
Rainbow laughed. "Pfft! Whatever. Silly eggheads."
Twilight put a foreleg around Pinkie's shoulders. "Pinkie, if you don't want to play chess, you don't have to. Even though I was really hoping somepony like you, who's really good at making things fun, could help to make the library's new Chess Club a success."
Pinkie shook her head. "The Equestrian Chess Federation asked me not to play chess anymore, and not to say why. But if all of you can promise to keep it a secret, I guess it's ok to tell YOU."
Twilight, Rainbow, and Fluttershy promised.
"It all started one summer when I was a filly. I was in Ponyville, visiting my Nana..."
***
Pinkamena Pie's Nana, a rose colored earth mare with a white mane and tail, opened a kitchen cabinet. "Are you in...HERE?" She shook her head. "Nope, just my bowls and cups."
Nana touched the icebox. "Are you in...HERE?" She opened the icebox. "Nope, just the usual vegetables and flowers."
Nana tugged open a silverware drawer, and a little pink filly popped out. "SURPRISE!" Pinkamena shouted. "Bet you never thought I'd be in HERE!"
Having fallen over backwards, Nana picked herself up off the floor. "Pinkie. How did you even FIT in there?"
Pinkie giggled. "I guess some of the rules about other ponies just don't apply to me. I can do a LOT of weird things, especially if they're funny."
Nana pursed her lips as she thought. "Your mother likes things very orderly and sensible. I suppose she wouldn't enjoy seeing you behave like...whatever you just did."
Pinkie's smile vanished. "She doesn't. It seems like practically every week we find out about another thing I'm not allowed to do. Or more than one thing."
"I'm sorry, Pinkie."
"Me too." Pinkie's smile returned. "But for the rest of the month, I don't have to worry about her! It's just you, me, and Funsville!"
"Funsville?"
Pinkie showed Nana a sheet of paper. "Look! Ponyville's public library has a board game club every Lunday. Doesn't that sound like fun?"
"And today is Lunday. Are you saying you want to go?"
"Yesplease."
Nana smiled. "Have fun. But whatever you do, stay out of the Everfree Forest. Just to make sure, don't go into any forests at all, not even the littlest tiniest bit. I don't want the Everfree's wild creatures to get you."
"Yesmarem!" Pinkie stood on her hindlegs to salute with one hoof, fell forward onto all four legs, and ran in circles around the room before she shot out the front door.
Nana chuckled. "I don't know why I even worry about wild beasts getting her. Nocreature could catch a pony who moves that fast." She snorted. "And if they DID catch her and eat her, a moment later she'd probably just jump unharmed out of a bush a hundred hooves away. Somehow."
***
Pinkie shot through the lower half of the library's divided double doors, leaving the upper half undisturbed. "I'M HERE FOR THE FUN AND GAMES!" she shouted.
A faded mustard colored pony looked over her half-rimmed glasses at Pinkie. "This is a library," she said. "Even while we're hosting the board games club, please keep your speech down to a normal volume."
"OKAY!" Pinkie agreed exuberantly. "THIS IS HOW I NORMALLY SHOUT!"
"No. Please do not shout in the library."
Pinkie stage whispered, in a tone that could still be heard across the room, "How's this?"
The mustard pony adjusted her glasses. "An improvement."
"Goody!" Pinkie hopped and cartwheeled across the room, to a row of three folding tables upon which sat boxes holding different games. Three foals were already there: a gray earth pony colt whose brown mane was 'styled' in a rough bowl cut, a tiny pink pegasus foal with a pale blue mane and tail, and a white unicorn filly whose mane and eyes shared an elegant shade of violet. The white filly extended one foreleg. "My name is Rarity, fashion designer extrordinaire."
Pinkie grinned. "Wow! You sure are pretty! And I'm Pinkamena Pie. I work in a rock quarry."
"Thank you." Rarity's eyebrows rose. "You work in a rock quarry, at your age?"
"Don't worry! I don't pick up any rocks I can't lift. But that's not why I'm here. I'm here for the FUN!"
"I wonder what games we should play?" the tiny pegasus foal said. "We have Candytown, Snakes and Slides, Oopsy-Daisy...but of course, those are all baby games for babies. I'm sure the rest of you are FAR too mature for those."
"I'm ok with any of those!" Pinkie answered, "if they're what YOU want to play."
The gray colt tapped a box with one forehoof. "I see we have the most intellectually sophisticated game of all. Chess."
"Golly!" the pegasus foal said. "Do you know how to play chess? Could you teach me?"
The colt nodded, a satisfied smile on his face. "I'd be happy to."
"Thanks!" the little foal squeed. "I can tell you're a really really really smart pony, so I'll bet you're super good at chess already."
The colt set out the pieces, and started explaining the rules to the pegasus.
"Hmm," Rarity said, looking over the other games. "Pinkamena, I wonder if you know anything about the strategy of Snakes and Slides? Somehow, my little sister always beats me at that game. I wonder how she does it?"
Pinkie replied, "I don't know how to play ANY of these games. My parents like to keep things serious. On the rock farm, the only game we ever get to play is 'hide and seek for rocks,' and that's only because my big sister Maude begged and pleaded for weeks."
Rarity blinked. "Huh."
"Maude can be VERY persuasive."
"Well," Rarity said, "I HAVE played chess a couple times before, and I see we do have another set. Chess has a reputation as a very serious game. Perhaps your parents would be willing to let you play it at home, too."
"I sure hope so! Show me how it works."
Rarity laid out the board and put the pieces on it. "These smallest pieces are pawns. A pawn normally moves in one direction, forward, just one square at a time."
"Oh," Pinkie said. "It can't just go wherever it wants to. That sounds exactly like living at home with my folks."
Rarity nodded sympathetically.
***
The gray colt turned away from his own game, to tut-tut at Pinkamena's and Rarity's. "I can see you two have very little idea of what you're doing."
Pinkie scowled at him. "This is my first time ever playing chess."
"That may be," the colt said. "But chess is a game of both logic and creativity. That is why chess is the highest and best of all games."
"Even better than checkers?"
"Checkers is the runner up."
"Oh. So how do I get a better idea of what I'm doing?"
The colt studied the board. "Even as a beginner, you need to look at the board from as many different perspectives as you can. A potential move that eludes you at first...come over here."
"Ok!" Pinkie dove under the table, and popped up beside the colt. "Is this close enough?"
The colt eyed her unblinkingly. "Surely. Now, imagine you are not yourself, but your opponent."
Pinkie popped up beside Rarity. "Hi, Rarity!"
The unicorn filly's lips curled into a smile. "Hello, Pinkamena."
"I'm just pretending to be you for a minute. I hope you don't mind."
"It's fine, Pinkamena." Rarity walked around the table to Pinkie's side of the game. "I suppose I might try the same method myself."
"Oh!" Pinkamena said. "USUALLY, this pawn could only move forward. But if I'm on the opposite side of the board, everything is opposite! I think now I want to move it to the last square it can go. I wouldn't have wanted to do that before, because then it would just be stuck. But this is OPPOSITE DAY, where everything can be reversed and turned around, so I'll do it anyway!" She moved her pawn.
The colt picked up the pawn, replacing it with a queen.
"YES!" Pinkie cheered. "This really IS opposite day! I moved my pawn using opposite strategy instead of regular strategy, so my weakest piece turned into the STRONGEST kind of piece!"
The colt pursed his lips. "I suppose that is a way of looking at it."
"I LOVE this new strategy of playing opposites! It's so much fun!"
"Well," the colt said. "Enjoy yourself."
Eight moves later, Rarity was checkmated. "Thanks for the game," she said. "It was fun! That was a lot longer than I can usually last against Sweetie at Snakes and Slides."
At the next table, the gray colt said, "This is a surprise."
The tiny pegasus stared at the board, where the colt's king lay on its side, checkmated. "Wowie! I guess I got really lucky. Or you're just a really good teacher."
The colt shrugged. "Either way. But maybe now you should try playing against another beginner. Pinkamena?"
"Hello?" Pinkie answered.
The colt cleared his throat. "Would you like to play chess with Cozy here? This is her first day ever playing chess, just like you."
"Huh," Pinkie said. "Didn't she just beat you?"
"Yes, but it seems worth a try anyway."
"Well...ok."
Less than twenty moves later, Pinkie scowled at the board. "I think I'm already losing."
"Maybe," the colt agreed. "But remember, chess is about playing CREATIVELY. Don't just do the most obvious thing. Try to think of alternatives, tricks not just anypony would think of."
Pinkie stared at the board for a few minutes.
"Oh!" she finally said. "CREATIVELY. So...what if I could make two moves in the same turn?"
"Huh?" the pegasus said. "But--"
"What if my king and rook do a little dance together? They swing each other around, so the king ends up HERE, and the rook lands HERE. Then I won't be in check anymore! And then Cozy's queen is in trouble."
"WHAT!" Cozy shouted. "You can't DO that! There's NOTHING IN THE RULES THAT LETS YOU--"
"But what if it WAS in the rules?" Pinkie asked. "Wouldn't that make the game more interesting?"
The colt sighed. "Let me show you." He plucked a book from the table, and nosed it open. "See? Nothing in the rules of chess says...wait. What IS this?"
"And while we're being CREATIVE," Pinkie added, "What if a pawn could go forward TWO squares the very first time it moves, if it wants to? That would help the game get started faster! And instead of moving forwards like usual when it captures, what if it has to capture diagonally, like a tiny part time bishop? Wouldn't that be wacky?"
"But...but..." The colt goggled at the book. "How did this happen? Why does the book SAY these things?"
Cozy glared at Pinkamena. "How did you DO that?"
Pinkamena shrugged. "I was just being creative! Because that's what Mudbriar told me to do. He's a very smart pony!"
Cozy gritted her teeth. She pulled books from the library's shelves, opening them on the table. "How? HOW can all the chess books say the same thing as whatever weird, stupid new chess rules she made up just now?" She poked Pinkamena with a hoof. "Did you sneak into the library before game club, and replace all the books with your own lying, cheating FAKES?"
The librarian joined the gamers. "Little dears? Could you please try to be quiet?"
"She's cheating!" Cozy drummed her hooves on the table. "She replaced ALL THE BOOKS WITH FAKES THAT HAVE HER STUPID FAKE RULES THAT SHE JUST MADE UP! DON'T YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT THAT, SINCE YOU'RE A LIBRARIAN?"
"Please show me, young mare."
Cozy pointed at the open books. "Here. And here. And here and here and here!"
The librarian pursed her lips. "Young mare, the book says castling is a normal part of chess. I'm quite sure it's always been part of the rules. I'm sorry if you didn't know about it, but it isn't cheating. That's just how the game is played."
Cozy jumped up and down ragefully. "I was just sandbagging, you dolts, by PRETENDING I didn't know how to play chess! I have an Equestrian Chess Federation rating of 2280! I'm a regional tournament champion! Last month, I played Bobby Fisheater to a draw! If this stupid 'castling' thing was a real rule, I would know about it! You're a liar! Why is everypony trying to cheat me! Why are you all so unfair and nasty to me? I hate you all!"
The librarian shook her head. "I'm sorry, miss..."
"Cozy Glow! Cozy Glow, regional chess champion and future grandmaster!" She glared at Pinkie with murderous desire. "Someday," Cozy said, I'm going to find a way to beat you, Miss..."
"Her name is Pinkamena," the gray colt said.
"Pinkamena will DIE! ALL of you will DIE! I will HAVE MY REVENGE!"
The tiny pegasus' flank glowed.
"Oh," the librarian said. "You got your cutie mark when you vowed murderous revenge. This is very bad. This is very bad indeed."
The little pegasus said calmly, "I will kill you all." She stomped out of the library and flew away.
"So..." Pinkamena said. "I had no idea trying to play creatively could cause so much trouble."
The gray colt stared at her. "Did you really...do that? Did you...magically change the official rules of chess, just to win one game?"
Pinkamena shrugged. "Maybe? Sometimes when I go on a wild tear and get really creative, even I don't understand how it works. I just wanted...to make the game more fun?"
The librarian scowled at Pinkamena. "Young mare...I don't really understand what just happened here. But just to be safe, I think you should sit out the rest of game club. Maybe you should sit quietly and read, and not interact with the other foals."
Pinkie sighed. "I'm sorry." All her muscles tensed for a moment, as she quivered in her chair. She glanced at one of the open books, seeing it unchanged. "Now it isn't working. I'm so sorry. I don't know how to change chess back to the way it was. Just because I did something once doesn't mean I know how to do it again, or how to undo it. I didn't mean to make chess no fun for SOME ponies, by making the rules crazy and wacky and weird." She bawled. "I ruined game night for everypony forever!"
Rarity patted Pinkamena's shoulder. "There, there. At least we'll always have Snakes and Slides."