Honk Honk
*BANG BANG BANG.*
Twilight Sparkle is woken up from her wonderful dream of a unicorn ruled nation where everypony had the same horn length, as a loud hammering thumps against her door.
“Wagh?” She had a bad taste of cotton mouth and her hair was frazzled. The clock read 5:00am. “H-hello?!” She half shouts in bemusement and slight trepidation, who could be trying to get into her room this early? It couldn’t have been Spike, not unless he had a sudden growth spurt.
“Twilight. Open this door right now.”
It was Anon, and his voice perked the mare right up. He sounded deathly serious in way she’d never heard before, as a matter of fact it was so rare to hear him like this, that she kicked her bedsheets off in a matter of moments, before getting tangled in the process.
‘Oof!’ She grunts as she face plants.
“Twilight?”
“I’m okay, I’m okay! What happened, what’s wrong?!” By the time she’s reached her final question, her magic had flown the door wide open.
She was met with Spike’s chest. He dwarfed the frame of her bedroom door, his face hidden.
Suddenly Anon popped out behind him. “Spike got a growth spurt but that doesn’t matter right now!” He pushes the titanic drake out of the way, who grunts.
“Hey!” Spike disappears out of frame and is never seen again.
Twilight is stunned as Anon walks up to her and starts shaking her by the shoulders.
“Twilight! Twilight! Twilight!”
“What! What the buck is it?!”
“There’s a talent show happening soon!”
Twilight looks to her clock, which reads 5:01am, before snapping her gaze back to the human. “Really?! This is what you wake me up for? I thought something terrible happened!”
“Well I did find out I’m slowly dying from second degree pony fucker sickness but that doesn’t matter because something terrible did happen!”
“What?!”
“I don’t have any talents to show off, like, at all!”
“So? Who cares?!”
“Me, myself, and I, That’s who! The number one carer-er in the whole world!”
“You wake me up before the sun’s risen, scare me half to death with promises of something awful having happened, and then tell me it’s about a talent show?!”
Anon nods rapidly.
“You’re absolutely right Anon, that is really bucked up now that I think about it.” Twilight hums as she sits on her haunches, looking glum. “You really don’t have any talents you could show off?”
“Not a single one!”
“How terrible,” She gasps before pointing at him. “What about that thing you do with your fingers? Where you make your thumb look like it’s been horrifically torn off?”
“You mean this?” Anon uses both hands to make it look like half of one of his thumbs is moving up and down, disconnected from it’s origin.
“Yeah! That’s sure to woo the crowd, right?”
“No because everyone in this town already knows I can do that! It won’t be a surprise! The ponies need something new, something fresh— something to take their breath away!”
“Hmph. That makes a lotta sense.”
“Thanks babe I thought real hard on that.”
“What did I say about calling me that?”
Anon sighs. “…I can only call you babe in public to help keep up the rouse that we’re dating.”
“Because I don’t want the town to think I’m gay.”
Anon nods. “Which there’s nothing wrong with.”
“Of course,” Twilight fur is suddenly drenched in sweat as she nervously laughs. “I- I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them or anything.”
“You’re so kind and wonderful Twilight, this is why we’re pretend dating.” Anon smiles at her.
Twilight nods back. “Okay look, I think I have an idea. Let’s dress you up in clown make up.”
“…and?”
“Well… do clown stuff I guess. Juggling?”
Anon gasps. “We ask Pinkie Pie to help!” He grabs Twilight by the cheeks. “Quickly, there’s no time to waste!”
“Actually we do, because the bakery doesn’t open until six thirty.”
“Damn. I guess we do have time to waste…” Anon hums, before slowly tapping his fingers together coyly. “Wanna burn it by practicing our fake kissing?”
Twilight sighs. “Okay, just no tongue this time.”
Anon grins. “Sure thang babyeee.”
>One fricking AWSOME time skip later<
“How do you feel, Nonny?” Pinkie Pie smiles.
“I look so cool. Actually hold on.” Anon’s face drops into a faux frown. Before tugging his lips into a strained smile. A single tear slowly rolls down his face but it miraculously doesn’t smudge his makeup. Suddenly he lets his lips snap back to a frown, but it doesn’t last. “I’ve always wanted to have a defining character development moment.”
Twilight snorts. “Well Anon, what do you think you should learn?”
“Well… we’ve got like what, ten minutes to learn something?” Anon grunted. They were behind the stage erected within the town’s main square. The talent show had already started, currently there was some pony spewing fire, or something. “Not exactly enough it time to learn anything…” He mumbles.
“Well you shouldn’t have spent so long fake, er— real kissing me.” Twilight shifts her eyes to Pinkie Pinkie momentarily.
“Sorry, I got lost in your eyes babe. They glittered liked starlight and I was star struck. You put me under a spell. What I’m saying-“
“Eight minutes, Anon.”
“Shit… Pinkie, beam your knowledge into my brain quickly!”
The hopping fluff of pony leaped behind Anon. “Sure thing Nonny!” Then she puts her hooves on his head and sends the human into a convulsing fit. Complete with pained groans and frothing at the mouth.
“…Is he ok?”
“I’ve never been better, hun.” Anon is suddenly on his feet. “Let’s rock— or do clown stuff I guess.”
Twilight nods. “We believe in you!”
“Number 19? We’re ready for your act.”
Anon starts sprinting towards the curtains of the stage, slightly scaring the stallion that had called for him. “That’s me.”
“R-Right this way, sir.” The stage hand gestures towards the closed curtains. Suddenly a loud buzzer rings out and the fabric parts to reveal a sad looking pony with an eggshell white coat who walks past the both of them, muttering something about how ‘they didn’t appreciate a real mc these days.’ And how he was going to ‘save the rap game.’
His is ignored.
“What is your act again?” The stallion asks Anon.
“Clownin’ around.”
“Okay. You can go now, the judges are waiting.”
Anon strolls through the curtains to the waiting crown of ponies and is immediately hit with stage fright, as it seems as if everyone inside Ponyville had gathered there today. Five judges sat at the very front of the crowd, writing on paper. They perked up at the sight of him.
“You’re Anonymous the… clown?” A judge: one Filthy Rich, intones.
“Yuh.”
“Ugh. Well… I hope you’re at least better than that filthy zebonics spouter!” Filthy Rich’s wife Spoiled Rich grumbles.
The other three judges are background ponies nobody cares about, but they seem to be in agreement with Spoiled.
“Show us what you can do, Mr. Anonymous.”
Anon puts his hands up and bends his knees. “Alright here I go—“
The entire crowd starts booing immediately. Four out of five denial buzzers are pushed. Filthy Rich hasn’t pushed his yet but he seems to be shaking his head in disappointment.
“Anon, that was the worst thing I’ve seen in years… but you tried, and I feel like you might’ve just been using energy in an act you have no love for. So because of that I’m giving you another chance, is there anything else you can do?”
The whole crowd waits in anticipation, chattering and whispering to each other.
Anon sighs. “Yeah. Sure.”
He does the thumb thing.
The crowd goes wild. Some feint. Some burst into tears. Some have to be taken off site with stretchers— it’s pandemonium. The golden buzzer goes off. Spoiled Rich is crying from the beauty of it all. Every judge gives him a standing ovation.
Anon’s friends come on stage, congratulating him.
“Wow Anon, I guess that never gets old, huh?” Twilight grins, as she watches one of the judges come over with a massive bag of bits.
Pinkie Pie giggles. “That was amazing, Nonny! How do you feel?”
Anon shrugged. “Well, if today has thought me anything it’s that you should never try anything new and should always remain in the box that you’ve placed yourself in— and that you should never dream of growing past what your peers have decided as the greatest thing you could hope to achieve.”
“Wow Anon… that’s like, so beautiful.” Twilight sniffles as her voice wavers.
“I know, I came up with it.”
“Wanna kiss for reals?” She whispers.
“Hell yeah.” They lock lips in a pervasive and borderline disgusting way. The sounds they make are obscene and kind of gross. Everyone, including the judges, whoops and hollers.
They live happily ever after.